Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
There are a lot of generalizations here regarding who is at fault when porn addiction happens. I think we forget that each situation is so different and unique.
I am not proud to admit that I have used porn in my life, my marriage etc. My actions and anyone’s actions are there own responsibilities.
I would never blame my wife for my actions, I have to own them. In saying that, in my situation, her neglect to nurture our sexual relationship in marriage did affect me. It does not excuse my actions however.
Porn was something I used in my pre-marriage years and teens occasionally. Maybe it was my answer to “staying pure”.
My wife and I had sex before marriage, she was my first, I was not hers though. I remember the excitement I had around sex with her…when with her I never was even thinking of porn. My focus sexually was completely on her. I remember knowing how much she was attracted to me and how she wanted me. It made me feel 10 ft tall and that I could conquer the world.
When we got married, sex became infrequent, always initiated by me, and lots of rejection or turn downs. Now…it’s completely ok to say no at times…but if it is happening more than half the time…and sex is never initiated by that party…it will effect a person. I can see it effected me.
I used porn and it affected my thinking and got me doing things that were far away from my character I had built up for 28 years prior. Those are my actions and responsibilities and those desires have gone away since I stopped all porn etc. However, looking back , i can’t help but think that if sex was mutually sought after and treated as a way to serve each other in marriage, and meeting my needs that way was more of a priority and honor for her rather than a chore…it’s hard to think that I would be at this same place in life.
Again, my actions are my own…but I remember being very excited about our new marriage and how sex with her was going to be the only option and a regular occurrence in life….I also remember the disappointment I felt after hearing no, I’m tired, I have a headache literally hundreds of times. I also remember the scoffs I heard at the mention of sex, the quick no”s, and even hearing “can’t you just do it yourself” once….
So while porn addiction needs to be dealt with, and those actions are that persons responsibility alone…I believe in my situation I could have been helped to battle temptation a lot more….
i will be married going on 33 yrs . I should have realized when I found porn magazines before we were married that he had a problem. I married him should have realized when we didnt have a lot of sex on our honeymoon that our marriage would be in trouble . I did miscarry twice in first 6 yrs we were married. My husband has always been a contractor on the road . First 10 yrs I say him 23 days of yr. I have caught him thru the years talking to women online copied all the emails . He would buy them gifts and their kids. Always in Saying it was work related. We got to the point he was buying jewelry and lying to me . I went to visit him and confronted on pics of her and her kids . while he was at work I found 60 porn tapes under his bed in a shoe box. I bagged them up and took them to a dumpster. Next day he joined match dot com. I called and even talked to her. She said she had nothing sexually to do with my husband . He did buy her I love you bracelet and paid for her and her son to go on vacation. He was out of town on job interview that week same general area . I called hotel and was told my husband was never there. We went to marriage therapist. He said no more porn . do porn checks and have found up to 60 sites disguised as baseball sites. We have not had sex in over 10 yrs. He blames it on his diabetes. Sure he touches me once in a while but no passion . I need to have passion to be needed. He has made sure nothing is in my name the cars everything. I can’t afford to leave. I can’t stand being in a loveless marriage anymore. I have no place to go. Im at wits end. I just found porn again . He says he puts it on to irriate me. Really need help. I’m going on 62 . I need someone to grow old with who wants me . Wants to be with me! I’m so sad So Alone!
Oh, Lynn, your story just breaks my heart. It’s just so sad to think about all the pain you’ve suffered all these years. I want to encourage you to get support for YOU. You can’t control what he does, and it seems like your options are limited in so many ways. But you can take care of YOU, and I hope you will do that. Find a counselor in your area. Find a group, like Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon, or xxxChurch. Take care of YOU.
Here’s a listing of our top articles for wives. Here’s a link to a free video series for wives that you might find helpful. Here and here are two free downloads for wives.
I hope those ideas and resources will be helpful to you. Please let us know how you’re doing. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole. Blessings, Kay
I’ve noticed an obvious lack of guys commenting on this so here it goes. I’ve struggled with porn addiction since I was about 13. It has been a constant struggle for me since. I would make incredible personal development victories, and the first thing the relapse would always be pornography. Every personal flaw that I exhibit from time to time I can trace back to this addiction. I would feel angry and unhappy, unfulfilled and irritated. Every day was a search for something a little better and when I wouldn’t find it, it would send me into this miniature fit. You have to understand, this isn’t simply about choice after a number of years. Sure, every time I did look at porn it was a choice in essence, but there are far deeper things influencing that decision. You feel like there is something so deep you can’t reach it, and it controls your life. Your brain chemistry is whack, and you’re trying desperately to fix it. The problem with fixing an infected organ with the same infected organ should be relatively obvious to most. I can’t begin to explain the struggle I have had with removing these activities from my life. I don’t blame anyone but myself for the situation I have found myself in. It had nothing to do with my wife, her “performance in bed”, or how she matched up to the my corrupted mental image of pornography’s “ideal woman”. Even if my wife didn’t exist, I would have still had the problem. It’s so deeply rooted that her presence almost had influence. To assume that a man’s addiction to porn is solely or even partially based on his wife is pure BS, to be honest. I don’t think men look to porn to make up for their wife’s “flaws”. If they looked to porn for the solution, it had already been an addiction, in my opinion. You don’t just decide to use porn to fix things, porn already has to be a factor before a man (or woman) decides that it’s the route they will take. I can never say that I will ever be completely rid of this addiction. I find my mind wandering just writing about it, that’s how corrupt pornography can make you. Every waking second is strangled and thrown down a rabbit hole of lewd content. It’s a terrible thing. I wish I had never discovered it. I wish someone was there to tell me that I would regret so much wasted time, ruined relationships, vile synapses and literally non-existent self-worth if I chose the path to pornography. But now I actively fight it every day, even after years of no porn. It doesn’t go away and your mind is filled with bullet-holes and scars to remind you that at one time in your life there was something there that controlled you. I hope this testimony helped shed some light for those who are wondering what it’s like. It’s only my opinion and I have no idea if it’s all right, but I hope it does help. Thank you for posting the article. I can honestly say I exhibited every one of those symptoms at one point or another in my life.
Hi Steve.
I am honestly so glad you replied to this, I’ve been reading these comments for what seems like hours trying to find even a smidge of something to make me feel better about my situation. Although everything I have read has hit home to me, and has great relevance to my current relationship, hearing it from someone who struggles with this personally rather than someone else looking in made it that much more surreal.
I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for about a year and as far as emotionally we have no problems. We rarely fight or argue and are able to actually talk things out which is something I did not have in any past relationship. He loves me and my 4 year old daughter unconditionally and shows that with each day. But he does struggle with porn addiction, and I came to realize that about 3 month’s into our relationship. We had gotten up one morning and I had said I wanted to have sex, he asked if we could that night instead and I thought nothing of it and proceeded to my usual mornings. I had just made breakfast, and realized he had been in the bathroom for some time and didn’t really think much about it until it was going on 20 minutes. I knocked on the bathroom just making sure he was okay and not sick or something, and I must have startled him and heard his phone drop to the floor. I went to open the door but only to find it was locked. I asked what he was doing and completely out of breath he told me he’d be out in a minute. I waited, and when he came out he said he must have ate something bad and kind of laughed it off. I didn’t show it but I had a very real feeling of what he had.been doing. I never went through his phone, his browsing history or even questioned what he did when I wasn’t around. Well that day I had an overpowering urge to check his phone while he got up to use the restroom, and there it was. Tab after tab of porn videos. Numerous different sites, while none of it was violent in nature, there was a lot of it. I brought it up to him and naturally he denied it until I told him I saw it with my own eyes and then he finally admitted to it and promised he would stop. It was a short conversation, and given we had never had trust issues before I wasn’t too concerned. But as the day’s went by, I found myself thinking about it, and realizing. How often he took his phone where ever he went even just to the kitchen to get food, how often he’d spend 20+ minutes in the bathroom (after turning down sex), how often I was the one to initiate sex. As the months went by I caught him denying sex with me only to turn to porn moments later. Every time he promised he would stop and understood how much it hurt and upset me (I had been involved in a 2 year relationship previously with this problem, just more extreme. He would tell me I was ugly and would show me these women and say he’d never love me because I’d never look like them). There was one night maybe 5 months ago that made me realize just how bad his addiction was. He was at work and I at home. We have multiple tablets and laptops and he stays signed into all of them. My daughter was playing a game on a tablet and had gotten into his snapchat account. I went to close out of it but not before seeing some of the names of his “friends” on there. They were all porn related accounts, with pictures and videos of women foreign and local.. and I knew then that this was more than my bf being a horny and sex driven 25 year old man. Now I be already typed a novel so I’ll fast forward to present day. Since then, and after several anxiety attacks on my part, he has deleted all social media frequently tells me to check his phone. Which is relieving in a way although he could still be viewing it and just deleting it. We had another episode about 2 week’s ago but when I brought it up instead of denying it he admitted right away and to my surprise started to cry. It was then he told me about being molested as a child and he thinks that is why his brain works the way it does. He told me he wanted to get help but has yet to pursue that, but I am giving him time. The fact that he’s trying so hard to stop, and even that he no longer tries to deny it shows me that he does love me and does want to change. But should I be pushing him to get help sooner? I’ve tried really hard to be understanding no matter how might it may hurt me. I know this is something almost out of his control and that just like with drugs, can become a true addiction.
Reading your comment helped ease my mind a little. I AM good enough and he doesn’t watch it because he wants those women. He has a chemical imbalance due to years of sexual abuse, he is sick, he is an addict. But he is a wonderful man and loves me more than I can even fathom. And I will stay by his side through this because he WANTS to change, just may have never had someone in his life that hasn’t passed judgement without learning why he is the way he is.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your difficult journey. So many men say this doesnt affect the family so “why you making a big deal about it?” Well you explained it very well. If you want more help, I encourage you to visit Every Man’s Battle workshop. God Bless. http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
Seriously dude you need to read a no nonsense book by STEVE GALLAGHER ” wORSHIPPING AT THE ALTER OF SEXUAL IMMORALITY” It really helped me to understand the real issue and problem of this type of sin.
This guy does not give you an excuse for your choices. He even says if you have to get rid of your computer or phone or change a job ,,that what you do IF you REALLY want to change ,,,other wise you are just kidding yourself. The bible says if needs be pluck out your eye if it causes you to sin…think about that? God wants us to take drastic measures to be OVERCOMERS IN CHRIST JESUS,,,IF INDEED WE REALLLY ARE IN CHRIST.
Steve
Your testimony sent chills down my spine bro.
At 34, with a failed marriage and many failed girlfriend relationships. I can now see why I sabotage my life whenever I reach personal goals. I tried to change so many times over the years but keep relapsing. My latest attempt I was clean for 3 months and then I was waking up in the middle of the night for no reason with a strong urge to watch porn. Even if I was busy the whole day and dog tired to get some sleep. The thing you said, it’s like trying to fix an organ, but using the same infected organ. At 34 now I am starting to understand and get a glimpse of this colossal monster I am battling in my life. To think it starts so simple as finding your older brothers hustler magazine and escalates over the years. Thank you Steve. I can see now others have fought this battle, I’m not alone. Slowly I am removing triggers in my life that cause me to relapse. Alcohol, coke, ecstacy and removing myself from friend circles that frequent strip clubs or party scenes. Thank you for your testimony and I hope many more in need of this message hear it. If anyone told me over the years I had a porn addiction I’d laugh it off and that’s my mind lying to itself. Only now I can see its influence in my choices and actions in life. I had to hit a wall and call it what it is.
Hi Kay,
Reading all these comments brings so many questions I don’t know where to begin. Over the past two years it’s become apparent that my bf has an issue with porn. I love him. I’ve had boyfriends who have looked at porn in the past and I didn’t even flinch. I’ve honestly looked at porn and stopped once I started dating my man because I don’t need it. But when he looks at it I start shaking, I literally become physically ill. I’m always worrying when I’m not home that he’s jerking off to other women. Is it wrong of me to feel insecure? I just wish I didn’t care like in my past relationships. We have plenty of sex, I’m also willing to try new things (minus a few). I know he’s a really good person and he loves me so much. He would never cheat on me. But he uses all of these things as excuses for looking at porn. “At least I’m not out there cheating on you”. Sometimes in a way I feel like it is cheating, it makes me sick thinking of him looked at other naked women. I was hoping this day would never come, but the other night at 4 am I walked out into the living room to find him doing…you know. And he makes me feel like it’s my fault. I’m not having sex with him enough, I don’t try to make him orgasm for long enough (he has a hard time climaxing from some medication, and I’m sure the porn). We are both recovering drug addicts so I would like to think I understand addiction, but I have a hard time being compassionate on this one. After years of tears and fighting, he knows it kills me, yet he still does it. And he looks at trannys, shemales, and today I found incest porn. Which he claims he didn’t look at, obviously there’s no way it just got there on its own. So I’m wondering should I be questioning his sexuality? I read that men watch fantasies that they would never actually act out on. I can’t get the image of walking in on him out of my head. He got so defensive and said things I never thought I would hear him say. I can’t seem to shake it. And it caused the biggest blow out fight we’ve ever had….the next day he’s looking at porn again. He downloaded a different search engine thinking I wouldn’t find it. Now it’s becoming an obsession for me, I can’t stop wondering what he’s doing, I always want to check his phone and laptop. It’s embarrassing that I’ve become this way because that’s not who I am. I’ve also been with men that do not look at porn, so the excuse that all men look at porn is a joke. So I’ll check out more of your links and consider going to a support group, but if you have any answers that would be great! Thank you.
Hey Jenna. This is such a tough issue! I think you can tell in a relationship when porn use crosses the line, and when your partner starts to choose porn over the relationship. When that happens, you’ll get the blaming behaviors, and I think that’s because your bf knows that he’s over the line and he’s choosing to have his primary relationship with porn, rather than with you.
It’s very common for women in this kind of situation to have symptoms consistent with PTSD. When he’d rather have porn than you, it does carry the same dynamic as cheating.
Porn use can escalate in various ways, especially if he is experiencing some erectile dysfunction, and it is true that users become less sensitive to all kinds of material. The most commonly watched porn today is very violent and degrading to women. Once that becomes “normal,” you need increasingly provocative images to provide the chemical high you’re after. It may or may not be an indicator of sexual identity issues.
Since you’ve been in recovery before, I’m sure you know all about boundaries, but here and here are a couple of articles. And I definitely think that S Anon might be a help for you right now, as you process what’s happening and what you need to do to be healthy in the midst of it.
One of the best books I know about relationships/marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It’s interesting, but sex isn’t one of the things! It’s all about knowing each other, being able to work through issues, learning how to agree to disagree when you need to, and truly caring about the other person’s emotions. If you have one person in the relationship who thinks, “I get to do whatever I want, and you just have to suck it up” then I’d say you’re probably going to struggle to make the relationship work. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about Gottman’s ideas on building trust.
I hope those links help! Blessings, Kay
My partner of six years has. struggled with porn. It got to a point he was using works computers to print off images. I found them in our shed hidden away, they had disturbing images ranging from the normal sex scenes to twisted. I confronted him, and realised he had an out of control problem. together we did research bought the book ‘The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography’ . I read it all, he read parts. he decided to get a phone so he couldn’t get on-line or see images. And told me to have a password so he couldn’t get on-line without my present. I felt like a prison officer. (The images haunted me, but I wasn’t going to lose my partner he had an illness) We booked to go see ‘Relate’, he went to one session and then had a violent outburst smashing his glasses, saying he had sorted his problem himself. That was two years ago. He has had numerous relapses, I slackened my guard on the computer and he found a way round. We got now TV a few months ago and he started researching the dark web which frightened me so I put parental controls on the computer. Since them he has been rude and snide with me demanding alone time , depression episodes every two weeks, withdrawing from intimacy.We discussed dopamine addiction, and was looking at natural ways for him to get a fix..Three days I found out he had been in a sex shop and hidden porn in our bedroom. I confronted him, saying he needs to get help and so do I. He decided to leave me. Said I was too controlling. We had such a good life together, apart from his addiction he is a wonderful man, He is a victim, who refuses to get help. My heart is broken, there is nothing left for me to try, He made his choice
Oh, Lorna. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re suffering right now. It sounds to me like you were as healthy as you could be in that situation. You did all the things I’d say to do: educate yourself, get behavioral helps in place, have good boundaries. He just made choices we wish he hadn’t made, and all the symptoms you describeof rudeness, demanding alone time, depression–clear indicators of those choices.
This is such a huge loss, when you can see what a wonderful person he is in other ways. It is heart-breaking.
I hope you’re finding support just for you in the face of this grief–personal counseling, maybe a group like S Anon? It’s so important that you’re card for properly through this time.
Sending blessings and light and life and prayers your way as you process your emotions and move forward. Kay
my fiance has been overly addicted to porn where we really dont have a sex life its about once a month now. i have caught him many times doing it, and the sites, and photos he has. it goes from teen porn, to lesbian porn, and hes even gotten to the point of looking up naked guys. its caused alot of problems in our relationship cause he always makes remarkes about my body, and my looks, i wait on him hand and foot and all i get in return from it is treated like shit because of it and it all started over his addicton, it makes it even worse cause i have 2 daughters ones not biologically his and it scares me of what could happen its gotten to the point where he chats with other woman and has slept with a couple so he can have more. i love him more than anything but its ruining our relationship and i dont know what to do anymore
Hey Sammie. I am so sorry to hear this. And the sad truth is, there isn’t much you can do to change his behavior. He’s been acting out pretty seriously, and that makes me wonder if you are even safe having sex with him any more. I think you need to consider what healthy boundaries would look like for you in this situation. Is it healthy for you to be there with him at this point? Emotionally, spiritually, physically–is this a healthy relationship for you? Ella wrote a good article about this recently.
I’d also suggest that you find support for yourself, through personal counseling or a support group like Celebrate Recovery or S Anon. Whatever your fiance chooses to do, you can make healthy choices for yourself. You might like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their own stories of recovery.
Many blessings, Kay
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. About 7 months into the relationship I found a lot of porn on his phone. It was all BBW websites, meet up and have sex websites, porn, etc. All of the women had huge asses and biggish boobs. I am a very petite girl with small breasts along with a small butt. This made me so angry that he would not only watch porn, when he has me, but also watch porn of women who looked nothing like me. If made me feel as if he wanted someone more like them, someone different. I begged him to never watch porn again and he promised. About four months later, I found more porn on his phone. I broke up with him, but then he told me he would put his hand on the bible to never do it again and to get me back. I accepted his offer. Now I went onto his Instagram, and is you type in “po” porn instagrams pop up. If you type in “bo” the same happens. Does this mean he is looking at porn again? Do you think be will ever stop? I can’t be with a man who watches porn it just disgusts me.
Hey Regan. Well, the signs aren’t looking good, are they? It sounds like he’s got a real habit going there, and he hasn’t been able to take responsibility for that yet. There’s far more to recovery than good intentions and swearing on Bibles.
He needs to filter his internet, change his habits, get some accountability and support in place (maybe a group like Pure Desire or Celebrate Recovery or even SAA), and repeat repeat repeat until he’s in a better place. Some guys have said that it takes up to 5 years to truly recover, and I think that’s pretty accurate. Here’s an article you could pass along to him, if he’s interested. Of course he can stop looking at porn. He just has to do the work, and it’s probably going to be a lot more work than he realizes right now.
Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries in dating. I’ve also got a short ebook at Amazon for girlfriends–it’s got some conversation starters and ideas of things to look for so you can trust yourself to make good decisions.
Actually, I think you’ve been wise and made good decisions so far! Just keep at it. I know it’s hard and painful to face up to these things, but I’m so glad you’re able to be strong and courageous even when it’s hard.
Blessings Kay
As I read the comments, I see so much emotional pain. I’ve been married for 10 yrs and since early in our relationship I quickly realized he used to use this method to achieve pleasure. I cannot talk about it, he has threatened me to leave me if I even mention this issue to him. He says he only looks at it “once in a while”, but I feel that this still brings lots of pain because he prefers porn over sex with me. If I engage to sex with my husband one a month I am the luckiest wife on earth. But this is not all, what concerns me is that one night he slept at my 8 yr daughters bed (she was sleeping at her grandma’s house that night) and on the next day when I woke up, I went to her room and he has tissue paper stuffed inside his underware. He felt asleep just like this and did not have time to throw the tissue away. That image disgust me. Just the thought he was looking a porn and masturbating on my daughthers bed. I honestly don’t want to pursue a relationship like this anymore. I have forgave him many times, prayed, participated in small groups, gone conseling, all the check list. I have a couple questions: 1) When enough is enough? 2) By being a “good Christian woman” and trying to keep my family together (and he knows that) Am I feeding his bad adition by giving him so many chances?
Hi Melissa. I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriage.
It sounds like you have done a lot of work, but I don’t hear you mentioning that he’s done anything to change his habits. Sadly, as you’re experiencing, we can’t forgive and pray enough to force someone else to change. If he wants to change, he will have to do that work himself. No amount of being nice and doing the right thing can for him. He has to choose.
I agree with you that him sleeping in your daughter’s bed is a very concerning issue. It may be that the problem is progressing to more acting out, and if so, your daughter’s safety is the most important concern.
My own opinion is that you need to decide what healthy boundaries look like for you and your child. Here’s an article Ella wrote recently that addresses that issue.
Recently, Luke wrote an article about when porn is grounds for divorce. He started out doing his masters thesis thinking that porn is NOT grounds for divorce, and in the process of studying, changed his mind. I think it’s very helpful and freeing.
And yes, I do think that we can take the “good Christian woman” thing to a place of enabling the sin of others. You’re the person in that relationship, and you can be the judge of whether that’s happening for you. I know you’ve been to groups before, but I wonder if you’ve been to S Anon or Al Anon? Those groups are really good for sorting out what’s your responsibility, and what is the responsibility of the other person.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU CHOOSE LIFE! For yourself and for your daughter.
Blessings, Kay
Omgggg please get the hell out of there for the sake of your daughter!!! My heart sank to read this. Seek help asap but get out and never ever leave him alone with her. A mother must protect the child at all costs. An addict will lie to your face. Please remember this addiction escalates when they are no longer satisfied. It will get worse. Praying you and your daughter is safe.
i been my boyfriend three i look at his phone porn email girl calling but he dont know how porn got on the he didnt know the girl he blame me what should i do
Sounds like it’s time to think about what boundaries are healthy for you in this relationship. Here’s an article about boundaries and porn in dating. Decide what’s healthy for you, and make those healthy boundaries! Trust yourself! Peace, Kay
Lately I haven’t been wanting to have sex with my fiancé because we have sex everyday sometimes all day when our schedule is freehand I just get tired of having sex sometimes. We have been engaged for 2 months now and things are really starting to change a bit from when we first met and were dating. He’s admitted to watching porn whether I’m away or sleep and don’t want any sex or just for the hell of it. It really hurts my feelings because it makes me feel as if I’m not good enough for him. Let me not forget to mention that he looks at other women while we’re out in public. He use to lust after them but now sense I have talked to him continuously on how it makes me feel and my self esteem dimenishes. He respects me a little more now. I accept that he’s been truthful with me on watching porn but it still hurts like hell. Also when I use to talk to him about looking at other women while I’m present he would just lie and say he didn’t do it or he wasn’t “intentionally trying to do it” . Even with watching porn and jacking off to it I get very upset with him and become very argumentive but yet and still he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say and brushes it off. Even when we’re sitting down watching a movie and two people are getting intimate with each other he smiles and chuckles a little bit at the site of seeing them. Anything he hear or see sexual he has to give some type of response to it. And that alone even upsets me. He says he doesn’t want to cheat on me or haven’t thought about it and that if he wanted to do it it wouldn’t be hard to do. But even with that being said I still have my doubts and fears. I’m starting to think twice on marrying him now, now that I see him for what he really is which is a pervert. He hates when I call him that and denies it and says he has self control, but I’m always so upset and don’t care what his response is because his actions shows me otherwise. I’m trying to brush these situations off but it’s really affecting me physically and emotionally.
Hey Amber. Well, your sexual relationship should be satisfying and healthy for both of you, not just your boyfriend. Your body is your own, and you should be able to draw boundaries and decide if you want to have sex or not. You shouldn’t feel pressured or coerced into having sex. That is not respectful to you as a person. That is treating you like an object.
I think you are wise to consider his behavior, not just his words. If you are unhappy with the way things are now, and unable to talk things through to your satisfaction, then that doesn’t seem like a good basis for a life-long relationship.
Think about what boundaries would be healthy for you. Whatever he chooses, make sure you’re making healthy choices for you.
You might want to join a support group–maybe an online group at xxxChurch or a group like Celebrate Recovery or S Anon. Find some safe people who can help you work out what is healthy for you.
You are a precious, valuable, beloved person. Your relationships, especially your closest relationships, should reflect that.
Blessings, Kay
I have been with my fiance for 2 and a half years! We were only dating 3 months when we decided to move in together! I wasn’t aware of his pornography addiction until one night I went to get online and a pornography ad was still on the screen! I questioned him about it and of course he denied watching it! So course from that point on, I was obsessed with knowing if he was watching pornography! I would search the computer inside out trying to find evidence! It is now 2 years later and I know that he is still watching porn while time at work or not home! He hides his addiction very well! He does treat me well and I can tell he loves me! We have sex 3-4 times a week, sometimes more! Although, there are times when we have sex I feel like he is acting out a pornography scene and other times I feel like we are “making love”! My question is, is it possible to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone who has a pornography addiction? Are there different levels of addiction? Should I let it go of he’s only viewing pornography when I’m at work? Help! I love this man… I don’t want to lose him because of pork!
Hi Jen.
I do think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who is in recovery and taking responsibility for themselves, even if they are not completely porn-free at all times.
And yes, I do think there are different levels of use/addiction. I wrote about that here.
The problem here is that your fiance sounds like he’s not really taking responsibility for his behavior; whatever his level of use, he’s hiding it. He’s not working on recovery. And generally, that means there will be escalation of use.
I think it would be helpful for your fiance to filter/block his internet, if he’s serious about being clean. He should have accountability partners besides you who are helping him keep to his goals and stay sober. You should know what’s going on, of course, and feel satisfied that he is taking responsibility for himself. Here’s an article you could pass along to him.
My opinion is that if he does not take responsibility for this, his use will likely escalate. I have yet to hear of a porn problem that just stayed isolated to one area of life such as “just watching at work.” (Does his work allow this? Or is it only a matter of time until he gets caught there and fired?) The reality of porn today is that it is so violent, so degrading to women. It causes chemical changes in the brain that require more and more stimulation. Our free download, Your Brain on Porn, addresses this issue. That would be helpful for him to read, if he is willing.
I hear that you don’t want to lose him because of porn. But the only person who can make that choice is him. He has to do the work. You can’t do it for him.
Whatever he chooses, you choose good boundaries and good health for yourself. Personal counseling can help, and so can groups like xxxChurch, Celebrate Recovery and S Anon. Find safe people, make healthy choices.
Blessings, Kay
Hello women who are suffering from your partner’s porn addiction. I cannot recommend this workshop enough. It’s called Women in the Battle. It is a faith-based weekend workshops that take place a couple times a year all over the US. It is for women like so many posted here that are survivors of a partner’s sexual integrity issues. Is explains what happens in a mans mind when porn is introduced. There is a man’s workshop too called, Every Man’s Battle. Wives listen!! You are not the cause of his addiction! Pleas repeat that a thousand times! Dressing sexier, better sex positions, losing weight, etc—-not of that will CURE HIM!!! So please don’t spend your energy on that or on believing an addict’s lies. Pleas attend http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
If i were you I would demand he attend this workshop for men. Its hard for men to admit they have a problem and this one brings much shame. Please check out Every Man’s Battle workshop
Thank you Kay!!
You’re welcome :)
I found out 6 months ago my husband was/is viewing porn. I don’t really know anything about that ‘world’. I guess love is blind and I lived in lala land for 10 years head over heels in love with my husband. I thought he felt the same but because my last husband cheated always felt like something was a little off in my gut but I would let it go because my husband would dismiss my thoughts as silly, so I’d let it go. Fast forward 10 years I find porn on his phone. I don’t know if I will ever trust him. I don’t know if he has ever loved me. He said he has stopped but who can ever know. I didn’t know for 10 years and I don’t know if he lied that whole time and or if he’s still lying. It’s truly heartbreaking that the love of my life ruined my faith in all men and the hope of anyone having a committed trusting marriage anymore.
Hi July,
I am so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can’t even imagine the betrayal and sadness you are feeling right now. Please know that you are not alone. Each day, I hear from both men and women who have caught their spouse/significant other with porn, and they feel just as heartbroken as you are right now. Porn is an ugly trap that is difficult to get out of.
The good news is that there is hope and healing. I want to encourage you to read this story on our blog. Although it is at first filled with brokenness and despair, the real-life couple in the story is able to restore their marriage and find trust again. I know that not all “stories” end like this one, but I pray that it provides you with hope.
For your own personal wellbeing, have you considered finding a therapist? I have found that in any struggle I am going through, a biblical counselor is an excellent tool. I’d also encourage you to read the resources at Bloom for Women.
I am praying for you! You are strong!
Moriah