Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
My daughter is 20 years old and lives at home. What do we tell her?? My husband doesn’t want to say anything, he’s heart broken over it. But I know she has to be wondering what’s going on. I kicked him out for 3 weeks…and all he told her was that he “messed up”.
The biggest issue is that my husband was looking up ‘celebrities nude’ (so not porn celebrities…like Jennifer Lopez or Megan Fox). I can’t watch these ‘celebrities’ anymore…so my daughter is going to notice all these shows and movies that we aren’t watching anymore.
We don’t know what to say…what to tell her or how much to tell her.
Any help is appreciated!
I personally think it’s a good idea to be honest. I know that’s tough, but I really do think it’s the way to go. We had to make that decision in our family, and telling our kids was absolutely the best choice. They didn’t have to guess or make up stories or be worried about what they didn’t know: they knew. It was hard, for sure. But it was honest. And I think the truth matters, especially as our children are becoming adults and needing to know how to deal with life as grown ups. Honesty is the way. Even when it’s incredibly painful. Peace, Kay
I’m just not sure what to do. My husband has zero interest in me at all. I’ve talked about our sex life with him and how “taking care of himself” is really hurting our relationship, he claims he’s not using porn to do it. He doesn’t seem to want to change and not just in the bedroom area but in every area of our lives I am his last priority. I don’t want to end or marriage I still love him very much and we have two kids too. But I just don’t know what to do I’ve tried talking. I even tried flirting and trying to be sexy which gets him to laugh at least. I should also add that I do not turn him away EVER, if I did we’d never have sex. Do I just leave it the way it is and just try and be happy? I’ve tried asking other sites and get told that I’ve probably gotten to old, I’m 31, or to fat for him to find me attractive. So any other advice other than that would be appreciated.
Hi there. I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. And I’m so glad you had the good sense to realize that “too old” and “too fat” are lies.
Unfortunately, I think that there’s a big lie in our culture that sex is the foundation for marriage, when in fact emotional trust and intimacy in the foundation we really need. Men in our culture are trained to avoid their own emotions (big boys don’t cry) and act out instead (boys will be boys). Many men are therefore not equipped to be attuned to their own emotions, much less the emotions of their wives. Porn/masturbation is the perfect solution for emotion-avoidant men. It provides temporary relief from difficult emotions, it always feels good, and it never asks anything in return. Real emotional connection and intimacy, on the other hand, does require hard work. It also has a much greater reward than the temporary fix of a quick orgasm. (Also, real emotional intimacy won’t cause Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction!) BUT–men aren’t trained to understand any of that, and it requires some education.
I would say this: stop trying to make yourself sexy enough for him, and concentrate on the emotional intimacy of the marriage. One of the best resources for strong, successful marriages is the research of John Gottman. His book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, distills thousands of hours of research down into manageable pieces. I highly, highly recommend it. The book includes quizzes at the end of each chapter so you and your husband can read and discuss. And here, the Gottman Institute talks about how porn harms marriage. That’s a great article to share with your husband, as you ask him to participate in making the relationship more intimate and connected.
If your husband is not willing to participate in building up your marriage, I’d suggest that you find a counselor for yourself who can help you process your emotions and consider healthy boundaries.
Peace, Kay
This confuses me…so hopefully someone can help. My husband (in recovery now) searched for much younger girl porn (NOT children)…some were actors (around our daughters age!). Is this any different from looking at any type of porn? Or is it all basically the same?
Also, while confessing, he stated that he felt like he “had a right to look at those pictures/people”, when I asked him ‘why’ he did it. Is this normal?
He made it seem like there was either some anger in why he looked at the porn, and/or like he ‘deserved’ to look at porn.
Thank you for your help.
Hi Tiffany. Part of the problem with porn is that it trains the brain to need MORE. More quantity, more risk, more boundary-pushing. It is very common these days for porn actors to either be very young or to look very young. I’m not saying it’s okay! Just that it’s common. I think the question of age is something his counselor should address with him.
As to the “I have a right”–well, that sounds like basic defense mechanism thinking. He knows he’s wrong, so he’s explained to himself why it’s okay, and he verbalizes those things to you. As he gets into recovery, he should be able to recognize those defense mechanisms as lies, and he should stop thinking and saying those kinds of things. If he’s doing 12 step recovery, that should come in step 3 “fearless moral inventory.”
He may continue to believe these things for a while, but you don’t have to! Here and here are some short animations that explain defense mechanisms and gaslighting, so you can recognize them when they happen.
I’m sure he does have many emotions tied to his porn use. Men, unfortunately, in our culture are trained to avoid their emotions (big boys don’t cry) and act out instead (boys will be boys). Porn is great for men, because it distracts from painful emotions, makes them feel good for a while, and demands nothing in return, until you end up with ED and a broken marriage.
Don’t get caught up in the lies. Make sure you have good support for YOU! Bloom for Women is a wonderful online resource. Peace to you, Kay
Kay, thank you! Thank you very very much!
I do have one last question…sorry for taking up so much of your time.
When I said ‘young actors’, I meant that he looked up regular tv/movie actors in the nude. Such as Selena Gomez or Brooke Hogan. These girls are my daughters age…and she watched their tv shows when she was little (when the actor was little). He also looked up much older tv/movie actors.
I guess I just want to make sure that is insignificant. Our tv/movie watching has been scarred to say the least! I can’t seem to watch anything except the news.
Thank you again!
I think that’s a question to explore with his counselor. The whole scope and context of his porn use will be a better barometer, because it is so common for men to view young-looking women these days. It’s just good to have that outside person who’s seen it all before, knows everything about this particular case, and can be objective. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is a good choice.
I have a question. My husband used to watch porn all his life (he’s 49 now) up until 5 years ago. I don’t think he watches it anymore, but I don’t know for certain. Anyways, he has ALWAYS had difficulty expressing emotion, showing affection to anyone (as in our kids) but me, and now we have recently discovered that our 13 year old son has been watching it. I’m scrambling to get my son help. He meets with our pastor, and our neighbor, who is a youth minister. My husband however seems indifferent to the whole matter and has taken no steps to help our son. It’s been me who has gotten filters on the internet, me who has set up requests for help and me who has had talks with my son. My husband is just not in it. It’s like he doesn’t care. I have suffered from severe depression before and he has literally ignored my pain. Is this a result of previous porn addiction. Can just stopping it change the effect porn has on the brain or is there some other steps? I’m his only relationship. He has no friends, and no desire for them.
***important note*** we used to watch it together before we became Christians. I don’t pry on his devices because I know how much God has changed me, so I trusted that he changed too. But his apathy concerning our son is disconcerting, to say the least, and now my antennaes are up.
Hi Mimi – although there’s no evidence he’s slipped, there are some “orange flags.” If he had a decades long addiction, the chances of him being able to stay clear, while in complete relational isolation from friends and accountability are very minimal. I’m speaking from personal experience. For me, now that I’ve come through an addiction and am now living in freedom, I have 3 sons. I am passionate about shielding them from my past baggage. In other words, your husband’s reaction is puzzling to me. I would expect the opposite. Your husband has an immense opportunity to speak honestly with your son, and relate to the issue, and then help him break free with prayer and confession. He cannot miss this window. His influence to help your son defeat this issue will be more powerful than just about anyone else your son might talk to. I’m being blunt, but your husband must engage. For the sake of your son.
Regarding your husband’s recovery, just stopping isn’t enough. That’s great, but there’s something deep-seeded, some wound or desire that led him to addiction in the first place. That’s still there. It doesn’t sound like he’s living in freedom. Accountability can help deal with the heart issues. We have a great resource for finding Biblical accountability, but he has to want it.
https://www.covenanteyes.com/accountability-partner-ebook/
Chris
Covenant Eyes
Hello,
I would suggest this workshop for your son. They have a teen one, but you can call them at the link and ask about it. The earlier the better.
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
I don’t know what to do or where to go! I have been faithful for 19 years.my husband on the other hand likes to look at porn. Our love life is nothing anymore. Once or twice a month and that does not go well. When everything is over I feel horrible and he usually ends up in the bathroom for hours and I mean hours. I have explained how it makes me feel but I dont seem to get anything but hatred. I’m selfish if I bring up what bothers me, it usually turns into a pitty party for him. I already have no friends or family just him and our 3 kids. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to be free. I feel bad for that but need to feel something more. I have stayed threw abuse and a drinking problem and figured one day all will get better but it doesn’t abuse stopped for the most part and the drinking stopped for 6 years but has returned. He literally has not purchased a gift for me in so long that I can’t remember. He says if I pick something out and he basically runs a debit card with family money on it, it is like a present from him. I have never stopped loving him but fear he is no longer in love with me.
Hi Kay. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage. Thank you for honoring us with your story here.
By this time, I know you know that you can’t make your husband change. If he wants to be in recovery, that is a choice he will have to make for himself.
However, YOU can make healthy choices for you. You can think about boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles. Also our free download Hope After Porn talks about different boundary choices. I’m sure you must have considered what separation would look like, and here’s what Luke Gilkerson found when he set out to study the question.
The main thing I’d recommend is that you find support for yourself. Being isolated just makes everything worse. Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and make good choices. A group would also be a good source of support.
Many, many women in the situation you’re describing will meet the criteria for PTSD. Please get help for yourself. No matter what he chooses, you choose good health for you.
Peace, Kay
True. Porn is something serious that both men and women get addicted easily. When people get addicted to porn or the internet they show a lot of emotional changes. I had the similar experience and my husband had to recover from the addiction. Since he is a freelance designer he used to spend most of the time with the internet. Then I came to know that it can be cured only by the love and care. Even we consulted a sex addiction therapist from Edgewood Health Network in Toronto as an outpatient. Now he has recovered almost completely.
Its not a comment actually I am facing the same problem and I feel I am inadequate and have no idea how to resolve this situatio .. I love my husband married only a year and half and during this he cheated on me wth a girl hving video sex and then he is using porn instead of coming to me I am really hurt and have no idea what to do how to solve this .. I am always having doubts bout him I check him I am not in my clear mind . I was prgannat and he was cheating on me with another girl then I confronted and he said sorry and then I lost my baby and he is acting too sexual jot towards me but towards porn . Even in a week if he ha sex with me once he is released only by hand and not in the place or with me but only hand and he is not bothered as well and most of the time he cannot even get released so he stops with me and go in other room and get released .. he ask me whatever I do for him but he is not satisfied some times he says that I am tired others he say u cannot release myself so what should I do I know he is watching porn everyday and doing it like releasing everyday and I am lying next to him waiting for him to come to me but he won’t I initiate he refuses .. what should I do where should I go .. I cannot even think straight I am inadequate for him this is killing me please suggest what should I do . Should I talk to him that whats the reason or just let it be because I think it will get worst then better please replu
Hi Ana. I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through in your marriage.
It’s important to understand that extensive porn use with masturbation will produce erectile dysfunction (ED). That is not your fault. That is just what happens when men use porn and masturbation too much. He might want to read Your Brain on Porn, which helps men understand what they’re doing.
The problem is not that you are inadequate in some way. The problem is, he is making choices that are messing up his body. If he wants his body to work correctly again, sexually, then he has to make changes. These are his responsibility, his choices to make.
What you can do is to be healthy yourself, no matter what he chooses. Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries for you to read. You might also like our free download Hope After Porn. A support group could be a great help as well. And I always recommend counseling so that wives can process their emotions and make healthy choices with good support.
Peace, Kay
Hello,
Please understand it’s not you. Porn is an addiction and as such you have to repeat to yourself it’s not your fault. Cheating breaks us to the core-I know! Thats why boundaries are so important. Please read book Boundaries (has a pencil on the cover).
Please check out these workshops. One is for you Women in the Battle
http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
God hates divorce, but porn is already a form of cheating so restoration and transparency is crucial if you are to survive in marriage. God is in the business of restoration, but only when the person is committed to change his ways. It may be hard but its possible. However, nothing will change unless the porn is addressed. Lust (porn) takes, while love gives.
My husband he watches porn and jerks off in bathroom or when I am home or it don’t matter where he doesn’t touch me or he just lays there while we have sex he has me I don’t understand I love sex I’m in my 40s
Unfortunately, this is a pretty common story. I hate it! And I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I’d say you need to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. A counselor could also be a good resource for you, as well as a support group. Your husband will need to take responsibility for himself and his recovery. Whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be healthy for you. Peace, Kay
So many typos thanks to auto correct…. *He told our CATshes has beautiful blue eyes
This has become a very wearisome topic for me. I’ve been married to a man with a porn habit for 20 years. I knew it when I married him. How foolish I was. It’s had its evil hooks in him for over 40 years. I think he probably feels defeated, like he’ll never be free. Something happened today that allowed me to honestly tell him I don’t trust him and that we have a dishonest relationship. Not sure what God wants me to do now. I told him I’d like us to go back to a recovery program we attempted last year and his reply was like I am making him miserable. I just want peace. I am a Christian, so use he but he’s enslaved. I’m sad but I’m also tired. I know I’m code pendant. I’m not sure if I can leave him though staying means things will be veg get better. We live each other but sometimes I want out. So bewildered. Thanks for listening. My self esteem had been so low though there’s been a little improvement recently. He told our car today she had beautiful blue eyes and it made me sad. I wished he would tell me that. Porn has almost ruined him but I know that God never gives up and with Him amazon gift change us possible. I just think he has to want it enough to pursue it and if he doesn’t or just feels too hopeless what goes that mean for me?
Hey Steph. I am so, so sorry for all the years of pain. I’d suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself. A support group can be good in addition. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy. YOU find support and healing. Peace, Kay
Hello,
Please check out these workshops. One is for you Women in the Battle
http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
And this is for the men…
http://newlife.com/emb/first-steps/
God hates divorce, but porn is already a form of cheating so restoration and transparency is crucial if you are to survive in marriage. God is in the business of restoration, but only when the person is committed to change his ways. It may be hard but its possible. However, nothing will change unless the porn is addressed. Lust (porn) takes, while love gives.