Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
I agree porn is vulgar, but the thing is, so is life & reality.
You religious have built your own fantasy that it somehow isn’t,
You are WRONG .
Men are Beasts.
When you accept that reality you’ll get along much better with men.
Lol men aren’t a creation of some divine “God”
This is where you are going wrong. God doesn’t exist.
& this here is further proof.
We are just an animal like every other, with animal needs & instinct.
Your husband is showing animosity because you are invading, rolling in with the bulldozer on what he sees as his personal domain that is none of your business.
Hi, Ryan, we definitely have needs and we have certain instincts, but can you explain why we are so different than animals? Even Richard Dawkins struggles to conclude on why the extreme, sometimes nonsensical altruism shown by humans far exceeds anything found in nature. It cannot be explained by “mutual benefit” or “kinship,” and instead, he labels it with a “selfish gene,” which falls far short of the self-sacrificing, “leave my family and give myself completely” to another tribe of people, etc. There’s nothing like that in nature. Because we might be similar, but man, we are different in that very specific way. How is that explained? Evolution alone is not enough. Another set of genes would have figured out that altruism is just a good way to be, and another species would have done that by now. At least that’s what I think. Thoughts?
Chris
I need some real honest help. My husband is a porn addict. Has struggled in the past with substance abuse, now porn.
Here’s the biggest problem: he is a narcissist. He has no God. He is a god. So there will never be a 12 step program to help him be accountable to a higher being.
Is there another option? He has successfully broken me down to zero. I’m slow. Took me 18 years to realize his “love” has been a game of conquer, conquer, conquer. No children. Wow, yes, I spent 10 years trying to get pregnant only to discover he knew all
along I wouldn’t succeed.
I’m 47 years old. Scared of being a failure. So here I stand – in hell. No sex, no love, no valentine cards anymore.
I’m so embarrassed.
Hi Paris.
I’m so, so sorry.
So many things you wrote here make me so sad. I’m so sad that you feel unsuccessful, a failure, and embarrassed by your husband’s personality disorder. I totally understand that, because this is what happens when you’re with someone like this: they transfer all their inner pain and shame onto you. Narcissists love to find the nicest, most loving, most giving people to prey on.
I think your option is to no longer accept his pain and shame into yourself. Don’t accept his rules any longer. Stop playing his game. Stop being so nice.
Let him live with his own reality, while you get help and support for you.
Find a therapist who is well acquainted with personality disorders and helping the victims of abusive relationships.
Build healthy boundaries for yourself.
You matter. You count. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and care. Live a life that reflects the value that God sees in you, as his image-bearer on this earth.
Peace to you, Kay
I’ve been aware of my husband’s porn addiction for a long time. He has erectile dysfunction, medication induced. He was prescribed Cialis but didn’t like using it so I ended up not asking or expecting anything.
What hurts me is he said he couldn’t get an erection at all and no longer had any interest in sex. It transpires he lied to me, he can and he still does. He is a Narcissist and it seems to me that’s part of the issue. Lovemaking if it could be called that, was always about him anyway. There are major trust issues. He has lied about contact with other women but they were objects to him, to bolster his NPD. Time was when I might have put some energy into working through this, but my health has taken a major dip and I haven’t got the resources or reserves and he doesn’t have any drive to seeing anything from anyone’s viewpoint but his own. He did go for counselling and came back and bragged how he’d tricked the counsellor into believing everything was my fault and siding with him, classic NPD! I don’t expect any support from him and it’s not that surprising he is still lying. Now he wants me to ‘talk’ but that’s his code for he will make a pack of excuses to end up with him trying to provoke me. He’s furious because I’m not playing his game. He will just have to get used to it. I value me even if he doesn’t. His porn issue isn’t and never has been about me, it’s stuff he has refused to deal with.
Oh, I am so, so sorry. Having a spouse with NPD is devastating and exhausting. When you stop playing the game, that will not make him happy! The hard thing with personality disorders is that they never seem to get worn down in the game-playing. They’re kind of like the energizer bunny. So he may not actually get used to it. In my experience, the personality disorder simply displays itself in new behaviors, and I think you have to be prepared for that.
I hope you’ve got good support through a personal counselor who can help you process emotions, stick to healthy boundaries, and make good choices as time goes on.
Keep valuing you!
Peace, Kay
I have caught my husband numerous times and I let him know that one more and I’m done. It’s not a matter of his love for me, it’s a matter of his love for himself. There are consequences in life and I’m not paying his any longer. Last night was the last straw. It’s not even the porn so much as it is the distance, and his self absorption, the deception and me paying for his issues. He chose to take the risk and made a decision to once again put himself before our marriage and me. Addiction, whatever, it’s mind over matter. He doesn’t get sick or have physical withdraws if he chooses not to watch. I understand men are wired differently but so what, women are wired differently too but I can tell myself no. I can put others before myself. This time, I’m not however, I matter. My happiness and my resolve, my contentment and loyalty to me matters. I deserve better and if I never get better than I’d rather be lonely without someone than with. Standing firm in my decision because I matter.
Hi i am Santiago and i’m 18 years old, i never had GF neither sex, when i had like 14 years old i found a Porn DvD on a trought many DvD from my father friend, since then i started to watch porn.
At the start it wasn’t so frecuent mostly because i hadn’t a way to watch porn, but now i’m addicted, i try to say to myself that im not, that im just doing it because i don’t have GF, but i think it’s something deeper than just that, when i started reading this i thought “nah this can’t be happening to me” but i started to realize that this might be actually happening to me, in fact it’s happening to me, i’m addicted to porn, when i started watching porn you could say it was just normal porn, but with the time i just got bored of it and i started to want more, and more, i have watched stuff that i regret, and even illegal stuff.
When i wake up i masturbate, whenever i have chance and i’m bored i masturbate, before going to sleep i masturbate again. I waste so much time on it that it’s draining so much energy from me, some times i might be masturbating for two hours until i’m able to end, i might expend 4 – 5 hours a day, i want to stop, i have wasted too much time on it.
I have just deleted a folder with +50 videos, and i’ll try my best to stop it, i’ll look into how to block porn websites.
Saludos, Santiago – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. You are in the middle of a tough battle, but it’s a battle that can be won (with a LOT of help). Here’s a blog post that I think you should read – let me know what you think: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/05/13/3-biblical-strategies-for-fighting-lust/
Peace, Chris
I dont know what to do i feel likeim being replaced by porn,my husband would ratger watch porn while im jerking him off then let me doing it on my own,and when i confront him he gets all mad and starts blaning me for causing him stress and saying its cuz hes fat and cuz im stressing him out…i reacently had a baby and ever since then he wants porn more then me and it hurts me but he doesnt care or get it….help me please cuz im about to just leave him cuz its like almist and everyday thing.
Hey there. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I think you’ve really got to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you here. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be involved with? That’s the basic question. What do you want? What is healthy for you?
I think a counselor could be a great resource to you right now, as well as a support group. And you might want to check out the online resource, Bloom.
The sad thing is, there’s nothing we can do to control another person’s choices. The good news is, we are completely in charge of our own choices! Whatever he chooses, I hope you will choose health and wholeness for you.
Peace to you, Kay
Hi kay
I am also a victim of the same situation as above .Its my second marriage and I have a daughter from my first mariage. My AGE IS 45. My husband is 54 yeard old and a porn addict. Intially all went well with him but last 7 yreas I am not physically bonded with him but many a times I have caught him red handed watching porn. At times I cried and tried to understand what is it so unique that he does not find any interest in me and makes him watch porn .I feel so humiliated and insulted .And yes ,He has knee jark reactions when I catch him and become very defensive,start abusing & become extremely violent .Its so surprising,why these kind of men get into marriages while they know themselves that they have conditioned their mind with pornography long back .Hereby they actually show their wives a wrong path in life and the wife has no option apart from finding peace in other men.How to deal situation,what I could understand as of now,it is a disease rooted long back .Cannot be treated .Is it better to overlook and go ahead with life ? Please advise
I am so, so sorry.
If he becomes violent and abusive, you must consider your safety first and foremost. I would never, ever “overlook” abuse.
My advice in any situation of violence and abuse is to LEAVE AND FIND SAFETY.
There should be services in your community for victims of abuse: women’s shelters, counseling services, etc. Here is a directory for many types of shelters across the US, where you should find safety and helpful services.
Please stay safe, first and foremost.
Peace to you, Kay
I am in the same situation with the exception of the violence. I’m 48 and he is 59, 2nd marriage, married for 18 years. My youngest son jjust Mariried so we are empty nesters as of last week. We were excited and happy. Our anniversary was literally 2 days ago and we went to dinner, took pictures but he was still distant. I’m a happy and positive person so I chose to enjoy the beautiful day. Many wished us a happy anniversary on social media. Although his distance made me suspicious, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And bam, I wasn’t looking for it but there it was, evidence in my face. So here’s the thing, I’m not buying this, “he can’t help it” junk. He can the same way I can. Was he damaged before me? You bet, but he wasn’t going to let me know it. I made this decision 2 years ago and that when he was caught again, then it’s over. Last night I reminded him of that decision and we are through. The funny thing is that I’m not angry, just disappointed. It could have been so great but I owe it to myself to do right by me. So here it goes…, I’ve never been alone since I married quickly after my first divorce and married my first husband at the age of 16. Don’t get me wrong, both ar decent men, yet neither understood that when I say enough, it’s enough. I will survive. So you are 3 years younger than me and I hope that in 3 years you don’t find yourself in my shoes when you could have moved on already. Perhaps everything will work out and you save your marriage. I tried and we both even went to counseling. He’s broken and I can’t fix him but I can have wisdom enough to change the things I can.
HI everyone
I think that porn is separate from the relationship altogether, I think that it is something that is far to accessable and for the person who is the addict cannot see the harm.
I am 25 my partner is 33, we have been together for 8 years and have a 4 year old child,
from early on in our relationship I found him looking at porn, I was only 17-18 so I didn’t no the extent or how bad it was, he told me its not a big deal and every man looks at it, over the next couple of years I must of caught him on countless occasions, each time with an excuse of its own, it started eating away at my confidence and I then could understand why he would want me if that’s what he was looking at,
my partner does not have many of the symptoms listed above, he wants to have sex with me daily and i am not a prude by any means i enjoy it a lot myself, he tells me I’m gorgeous and that he loves me every day, he would rather spend his time with me and our daughter than go anywhere else which many woman would be made up with.
but things have taken a toll, I do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth, I think to myself if he can lie to me about something that he knows breaks my heart then what else does he lie about.
years ago he had a big 3d tele he used to watch it on that until I kept catching him and told him the tele was going, then all these internet phones came out and made everything even more accessable, he would watch it going the loo, in work, any time I was out the house.
I have lost many friends due to my own depression over this as I don’t like leaving the house because I no that’s what he is doing and the one best friend I did have that helped me deal with this died 2 years ago and i resent him because i missed out on time with her because i wouldn’t want to leave him alone, I just cannot look at my partner and like him., I love him with all my heart but the years of lying is just defeating us.
I do believe he wants to be together, we both want our little family, but I’m my opinion if you want something so much then you will do anything to make sure you keep this, we have had 2 serious break ups mainly over this and his temper but we get back together cos he says things will change and he says he will stop and never does. I have blocked porn from our wifi and his mobile company to see if he was serious and he doesn’t moan to fool me, but he always manages to look at it, I thought he really had stopped but turns out he was watching it on youtube, facebook, and then I found that out and then he found another way now by doing it on twitter. what is his problem.
we couldn’t even watch a film without him googling the girl in the film or program to see if he could see them naked.
it hurts a lot and causes murder, i cannot live with it but equally so i am terrified of leaving as he is all i have ever known, i feel sad if i leave because of my daughter but i have just come to know that everything he tells me is a lie. he says he lies because he doesn’t want to cause an argument, but ive told him time and time again lying will make things worse.
i have seen some terrible sights, like all the years of this has built up he says its not like it was but an alcoholic cant drink at weekends can they, i used to come back from work he would be watching it, when my daughter was a baby he would watch it on his phone while she was in the room, but on silent. he has sat on the couch in the same room as me and his mum before now and watched it on his phone, ive caught him on the toilet, caught him in the kitchen, in the garage, and ok this was going back some time but that’s only because he is on to me now and so he knows how to hide it and when he can get away with it.
if he was a perfect boyfriend i.e he didn’t shout at me, or moan and get annoyed at the littlest thing, or if he would do anything to help me out, then i could of possibly over looked this, but its just made me insecure, paranoid, depressed filled with hatred for all men.
i have no idea what to do, as i am worried i would regret leaving,
i drive he doesn’t, i take him everywhere he might need to go, i drive all our family everywhere and he has never so much helped me clean my car and says its my car i clean it. i do the majority of house work and i work 6 days a week, still manage to pick my daughter to and from school cook tea, and he still says I’m half a job, he works too but i do so much more and if i said that he would fall out with me. he can say what he wants and moan about anything at me but if i did then its another story.,
if i mention porn to him it goes off, he gets annoyed and defensive, he agrees he used to have a problem but doesn’t look at it anymore and if i dare question him its not worth it for me, he just gets annoyed and turns it around on me.
i cannot deal with this any longer, we have a bit of debt and until this is gone i cannot afford to move out on my own, please can someone give me some idea what to do, i am lost I’ve never made a decision on my own as I’ve been with him since i was 17. i am just at my witts end. do i let it go and allow him to do this, or move on and concentrate on myseslf, i just wish he could be who he is as he is fun and caring and effectionate, but without the porn and the temper and the one sided relationship. please any feedback would help me so much.
Hi there Holly.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re suffering in this relationship. I do think it is very, very common for men with serious porn habits to become extremely self-absorbed and entitled, just as you’ve described. It’s also very, very common for women in this kind of situation to meet the clinical criteria for PTSD.
I think you do need to concentrate on your own health and healing. If you’re going to make good decisions in a situation like this, those will best come from a place of quiet and peace within yourself. Find a therapist who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Look for a group for support. Check into the online resource, Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and all kinds of support options for you.
I think at some level you do let him go and allow him to do this–only you take fantastic care of yourself as you do that, and make healthy decisions about what’s right for you.
Peace to you, Kay