Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
My experience as a porn addict who has all but ruined my marriage is this:
It was not my wife’s fault in even the slightest. She is gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, etc, and has a strong sex drive.
But yet, I resorted to isolation and porn, and I denied her sexual intimacy, because I was always already “spent”, so to speak. Complete selfishness on my part.
It makes me sad when I hear men blame their wives for their porn addiction.
That is all for now
Thank you for being so honest. It’s refreshing to hear someone take responsibility for themselves, and frankly, that’s the only path to healing.
I’ve literally spent the past 4 hours reading every comment on this article .
I’m 43 and was married for the second time almost 2 years ago .
I knew my husband had not had sex with his previous wife for 5 years …he claimed it was because she had put on 65 pounds , which she really did . However , I didn’t know he had a porn addiction until before we were married .
We were having sex all the time and honestly because nothing was different and he was wonderful , caring , loving , supportive and having sex with me , I wasn’t very concerned.
Three years later …he’s still very loving , caring , supportive , affectionate BUT we have sex once a week now . I’m very fit , have had a breast augmentation, look about 30, have had face fillers , wear sexy clothes , make up etc …ITS NOT THE WOMENS fault !
I love my husband but I have to say , this is getting old quickly . I was single for 13 years before I started dating again and I’ll do it again .
It’s such an incredible waste when good marriages are ruined by a mans refusal to get help for their porn addiction .
I don’t let it ruin my self esteem or take me to dark places because at the end of the day I love me .
Ladies , when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired …we will finally leave .
I feel so frustated and like giving up. We’ve been married ten yrs n my husband is a senior leader in the church. I complained of his lack of affection and even suspected he was cheating but there were no evidence. In 2013 he gave me one of his phones to use after mine got lost and i discovered he had been watching porn. When i asked about it he denied. I let go of course after some convincing lies. Recently i have been using the laptop to do a project and i hav made weird discoveries. In his search history it was full of porn sites he had visited. In his pictures saved in drive there was a picture of his erect penis, i recognized by the bedsheets. In the dustbin i saw two funny looking photos and decided to revive. I saw they were photos of his erect penis taken on webcam n shared on you tube. I asked him about them and he denied taking such photos. He says those are not his photos yet i could recognize his tshirt, pair of shorts and our sofa. His constant denial is driving me insane. Ironically, he is waiting to graduate with a masters degree in counselling psychology. I hav asked we seek professional help and he says he has no problem. He now says i suffer from paranoia. That i think i know all the answers, and that i think i am always right. I’ve cried for days on end. I don’t know what to do. He rarely has interest in me sexually and the naive woman i am thought it was just his type. He once joked about it n said he could as wel hav become a priest without struggle if he were a catholic. He hurts me more when he talks of me creating things that do not exist. I told him we pray about it he said he doesnt need any deliverance as he has no problem. I’m devastated. I don’t know who to tel and how to even say it. We are staunch born again christians and this is just too much. I have lost trust in him and cannot believe anything he says. I can’t imagine sex with him. It would feel dirty. I cant even pray.
I feel like leaving him. I am willing to walk with him if only he can put his pride aside n admit he has a problem.
Pls help, i am desperate
You are not paranoid. He is gaslighting you. Don’t go along with that kind of mental abuse. You’re absolutely wise not to trust him: he is not trustworthy. He’s not able to tell himself the truth, much less you or anyone else.
I think your idea of a separation is a really good one. I think when you’ve got a situation like this, where clearly he has very significant problems, and he’s unwilling to face them, a separation gives both of you time to consider what the way forward will be.
I would encourage you to find a counselor JUST FOR YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. A group for you would also be great, and you might also like the resources at Bloom for Women.
Your husband needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Marriage therapy will not help until he is well into recovery.
Trust yourself. Find support for yourself. No matter what your husband chooses, you can make healthy choices and walk in freedom.
Peace to you,
Kay
sadly, we are coming into over 30 yrs of marriage this year and we are active duty military family. my dh had an emotional affair when we were @10yrs and grieving a child loss. I tried to forgive him and we went forward. There were good and not good times. he is an omitter about many things and I kept trying to trust but his behavior was off many times. we would fight and love just as passionately and I would throw the past at him and then I would try to forgive and move forward, eventually we agreed to table the D word and settled into a routine. I don’t think either of us are truly happy, if we are honest. I do think we love each other, though. fast forward to 3 weeks ago and I find a porn site on his phone I borrowed in a store and of course I explode, I was abused as a child and porn was a big part of it. How could he do this, but this time he exploded all over me and shut me down. he ranted that I had never forgiven him and was holding onto every little thing among other things and I had to admit he might be right. he denied using that browser and I wanted and needed to believe him but my gut was churning. we tried a special date night a few weeks later and it was ok but we just don’t connect anymore and sex is pretty much non existent for a few years now. the desire is there but we have let poor health (I have dealt with chronic ute’s, vag infections and pelvic floor issues) and other things consume that desire. I know what the Bible says about denial but we talk about and it seems ok even though both of us wanted to. Mind you I am far from material but I was hoping for a little token but when he came hm for another many Valentines w/a diff excuse for no token, wanted to get you a flower but the store was sold out, I scolded of course they were sold out yesterday, then we went out as a family for dinner and then to 2 stores and not once did he try to pick me up anything, but we still had a tentative date postponed from numerous other times to get together/have sex/we don’t even refer to making love anymore, but he fell asleep while I showered and woke up long enough to give a raincheck, quick peck, cop a feel and I pushed him away. I felt rejected and disappointed, but let me say this I am later in life and intercourse is painful many times and if follow through I hurt for days or we just try for 5 mins and I have to stop. (I am looking into an alternative to hormones, while they helped, I didn’t like the chemicals–but I had been planning and prepping with moisturizer for a few days) I am also battling a uti that keeps trying to get me (used to have them regularly along with vag infections-but not since the sex had tapered) annoyed I came downstairs and decided to play solitaire on his iPad, I don’t know why but I looked at his browsing hx and to my disgust there was a porn sight bookmarked to his reading list, couldn’t see any other sites except acceptable ones. I wanted to crack him on the head with the iPad then I panicked and tried to get into his mac and pclaptop-I couldn’t figure the passwords. I prayed and tried to go bed and hoped it looked different in the morning, the kids were up late making a racket and I ran out to the kitchen yelling at them, coming back then slamming the door, startling him and screaming something about sorry to disturb his wet dream–I was furious. Note he has always been an early riser but has been getting up progressively earlier, he takes his phone into the bathroom, I can hear his phone blips and I’ve gotten up several times to see what he’s doing but he tells me he’s not on his phone and to go back to bed. That next morning he got up @ 2:30am and was out the door by 3am. I sent him a snarky text, yes I was mad, I refused to answer his texts or calls most of the day and was finally able to confront him that night. got a flat denial and I don’t do that answer. I tried to tell him these are people’s daughters and children of God and to think of his own daughter and would he want some person watching her like that. I was still furious-he told me it didn’t matter what he said, I had tried, judged and convicted him and he was right. he agreed to phone and internet accountability whatever I wanted but I could tell he was really upset. next morning he gets up even earlier and leaves (same bathroom routine and then out the door), he had duty that day. I slept and got up, got into the MacBook and everything looked ok, until I clicked on the last date, I was deluged with the nastiest addresses, ever–I continued to peruse different dates and they were fine/confusing maybe I was crazy and he could have been hacked-I should mention he had been on an overseas billet w/out us. then I click on another date and it seems fine until midway thru and then I wanted to vomit–local hookups and such. I took pics and sent them to him, decrying our years together and calling him a few choice words-God forgive me. He is baffled, cannot imagine how this happened. I’m being unreasonable. he must have gotten hacked…I get into his gmail and I’m finding all these sites, not visited daily but dating back to 2013, funny thing was all his devices hx’s were erased but he didn’t erase the caches. I am so glad in a sense and then I look at his timeline/gps and he is all over the place, taking hours to drive what should only be minutes and strange areas of apparent stops. dates don’t match with when he said he had duty and some of the stops are hours or even overnight- I want to believe they are just tower pings but then there’s my aching gut again. Forgot to mention I have found that he had IPVanish and some other engines. I can see an address timeline that match with the caches on the ipad but then the porn sites are missing and he had private browsing and do not track on his equipment. He has looked at Craigslist-claims they were for furniture and he has done that everywhere we were stationed and 3 months before he shipped out he was looking at Casual Encounters where he was going, all after viewing porn. In Dec he searched a local Craigslist Personal and they weren’t selling furniture. He was supposed to have duty but his gps shows him leaving the base and being gone for over 7 hrs. I stripped my ring off, it felt wrong to wear it-he stopped wearing his a while back due to work but always wore it on a necklace, he’s been leaving it behind more and more. I packed all his stuff and told him he needed to go and I need space. He is heartbroken, He says he did not do this, that I won’t listen and that I’m gonna breakup our family and turn his kids against him. the mass amount of apparent evidence says otherwise. Now the phone and text records have him talking to women I don’t know and making 1-2 min calls to numbers I can’t look up. I’m still looking at them-I went to prayer and prayed for him on Sat. The more you pray the less likely you are to hate, which I did tell him when I sent the first photos to him. He came and got his stuff, I refused to see or talk to him, the kids said he cried and he sent me a text telling me he loves me always and he believes God can fix this. He would read the Bible app before and after viewing the porn. I am so confused. I feel so many things right now. Angry, hurt, betrayed, humiliated, devalued. I changed the locks on the house. All I want is for him to own this but he is adamant he didn’t do this. Could that be true? What if I am crazy? I can’t stop thinking that he may have been hooking up for a while. I am going to my Dr tomorrow for a checkup. He has agreed to counseling, I think…God Help us, we need a miracle. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. We have another teen who had some issues with click bait from a vacay and dabbled in porn for a few months and I think he is trying to blame it on that but in checking the dates don’t agree and there was no accessability for the hx dates. We are installing Covenant Eyes on all our devices starting today. I also am using OpenDNS and it is working. I still love him and am holding out that this is some sort of malicious attack but he has since turned off all his GPS and it is killing me to wonder where he is and who he is with. I pray but I feel nothing but alone and I cry a lot. It was hard for me to write this, let alone send it. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. Also he only exhibits 6 of the 10 signs-could he be having a midlife crisis?
I am so sorry. I hope with some time apart to think, you’ll be able to understand what’s really going on here. It’s certainly difficult to believe that this could all be some kind of…mistake? Particularly when you have a relationship history that’s troubled, and you’re not emotionally or sexually connected as a couple, I would tend to trust the mountain of evidence you’ve uncovered here. “God can fix this?” Well… God never, ever overrides our free will. We always get to choose our behavior, and if your husband is serious about repairing the relationship, he can choose to do so. With God’s help, yes; but your husband has to do the work himself. There is no magic wand. Just a lot of work in recovery.
Meanwhile, I would suggest that you find a counselor for YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions in a healthy way, and help you decide on healthy boundaries. You could check into a recovery group for yourself. And you might appreciate the online support at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy.
Peace to you,
Kay
Porn really does affect relationships, and I’ve been struggling for the past 7 months after discovering my partners addiction, and I found there to be minimal help or support available for partners of porn addicts, so I made a forum that is geared to the partners of porn addicts recovery. http://partnersofpas.boards.net
Hi,
. I am 73 my husband is 75. We have been married 3 ½ years. When we were courting he was loving, and respectful, also respecting my rule of no sex before marriage. We used to sit on the couch to watch TV and he would put his arm around me and cuddle up. From the day we married he has never once sat on the couch with me. As time has gone on he has got less and less affectionate . We have never lived together and I now know he doesn’t ever intend to. He has to sell his house and is planning to get another place of his own. I cannot visit his house without an appointment. I turned up one day to surprise him and he was angry about it and still is to this day. He is now packing to move and his daughter and son and his son’s lady friend are all helping but I haven’t been invited. I feel so shut out. I know he is into porn, as I found out when I saw emails from porn sites, where he had bought credits. When I asked him about this he said all men do it, (I don’t believe that for a minute). He said if it upset me he wouldn’t do it again. He has about a hundred emails from porn sites, hook-up sites etc every day. He says they are Spam. (So many?). He told me women should realize that it is harmless and like toys are for little boys. (So porn is ‘toys for boys’). I found he had a profile on Ashley Madison (the adultery site). He denied it said someone had stolen his details for it. All the likes and sexual preferences were him to a ‘T’ though. He was angry and said I shouldn’t look at his emails though I had the password and sometimes he would ask me to print a voucher or something from one of them. He recently told me about a dream he had of having sex with a woman. All the details. He said she had dark hair, as I am a natural blonde I know it wasn’t me. He watched a drama with sex and nudes and when the camera zoomed in on a bare bottom he told me she had a lovely bottom. He has never watched me undress not even before sex. He always closes his eyes and won’t look. Now he says he has lots of fantasies of having sex with all different women, none of them me, when it disturbed me he got angry and said any doctor would tell me it was very healthy. He has now changed his email password and blocked me, and I am thinking he is up to something sexually, but can’t know. Which is driving me crazy. I know he tells lies and just gets angry if I say anything about sex and says I am mad and have a mental illness, it is all in my head. I am now ready to separate from the marriage. It is affecting my health. I am angry, also hurt and feel betrayed. He told me he has seen a lot of porn in his life, I have a strong feeling he has been doing this through our marriage but have no proof and sometimes feel like a nasty suspicious woman. Counselling here in the UK is very expensive so that is out. My son and daughter are supportive and think I should get away from the marriage. Both are Christian.
I don’t want to sin but can’t take much more of this loveless, sexless marriage. I have been widowed twice, both marriages very happy with very loving men.
Pauline, I am so, so sorry. And with this one, I have to side with your son and daughter. It sounds like this man had serious problems before you ever met him, those problems continue, and he refuses to deal with them. Telling the truth about a broken marriage, while extremely painful, is NOT a sin! Here’s Luke Gilkerson’s article about porn and divorce. I think you will find it very helpful and comforting as you take that step toward separation.
Peace to you,
Kay
Can I join in?
Hi, Lynn – what would you like to join? Let me know.
Chris
The sin Lust is invented by religious.
We “Lust” because evolution developed our INSTiNCT to breed.
So you could say that, the only true purpose of life is a Sin itself to religious .
I’ll tell you right now from a Man’s perspective.
If i were your husband & you threatened to leave me over something as petty as me having a pull over porn.
It’ would instantly illustrate to me what the relationship is worth to you lol.
Hi, Ryan, there are some men who believe that the woman we are with is so precious, that she is worth our commitment. No one else. It’s about self-control and respect to treat her like the amazing, miraculous, creation/evolved being she is. When men/boys aren’t ready for that kind of commitment, then they’re probably not ready for a relationship. Just something to consider. Some important questions to think about: what kind of legacy do you want to leave for your future children? One that says, “hey, do whatever you want! Watch porn! Even though it might be based on violence, child sex trafficking, or abuse?” That’s just not something that feels right to me. Life is better when we keep our desires in check. It’s a sign of maturity, but some men just aren’t ready for that. I hope you are someday.
Peace, Chris
Look with your eyes.
This world is full of harsh realities that people cannot accept.
Learn to accept them.