Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
Kay, I have been crying everyday since the breakup. Why if I know he is not good for me I want him back?. It’s like if I was addicted to him and I am going through withdrawal right now.. I feel DESPERATE, I have a lot of anxiety. I think about him all the time. It’s taking me time to accept that he doesn’t love me and on top of that he left me with an STD (herpes) that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I am going to have to go through rejection in order to find someone. It’s embarrassing and hurtful.. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to stop hurting. I don’t like the feeling of needing him in order to be okay. Now there is something he said to me that I can’t get out of my head. That I MADE him think he has a problem and that I am a super jealous person because I used to get mad at his porn use and fake profiles..
Healing takes time. It just does. Sometimes when a relationship has been especially traumatic, that can make the healing even more difficult. I would encourage you to at least find a group that might be a safe place to process through this, to find support with others who understand pain and healing. Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, even Al Anon can be so helpful. You might want to think about personal counseling as well. You’ve got a lot of emotion here, and you need safe places to process that.
I would also say that the things he told you, about it being your fault–well, that looks to me like a manifestation of his own defense mechanisms. He may rationalize to himself that you made him this way, so he says that to you. It’s not true! But it may be how he explains his behavior to himself. Here’s a little YouTube animation I did that explains a bit about defense mechanisms and why people use them.
Find some safe people who can help you process through this, help you think about the truth instead of lies, and help you think about how to be healthy going forward into future relationships. Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay!! Now I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to know anything about me. He was my best friend for the last 3 years. He said he loved me many times. He told me he couldn’t see his life without me, bla, bla. What can be a reason that he is so mad at me? I haven’t looked for him I don’t think I am since he was clear when he left about breaking up. there are things I just don’t understand
I think you can be the target of a lot of anger simply because you’re the person who knows what’s going on in his life. I have a little video about defense mechanisms at YouTube, which might help you understand how this anger gets displaced onto you.
Sadly they will never be satisfied. I have been stupid enough to live in the same situation and also making excuses for this sick behavior. These men watch porn and I am pretty sure more than that. Open up your eyes ladies before you wake up and it’s too late. I let it slide with my sick hubby for years when we I married him only at the age of 20. He lies and manipulated years after and 3 kids later it only got worse. If you spot it early I beg to run before bringing in children because they only get crazier and believe me it will effect your children as well. Please listen because once it starts into the children then you start Being just as guilty because once the children are teens they view this type of behavior . It can put a strain on them against you as well.. why did mom stay .. even worse get involved with the same type. If they aren’t willing to get help and as they stated it takes years of work.. get out and take care of you before you make your life a living hell / the children. God Bless!
I was in a 3 year relationship where my ex and I lived together for 1 year. When we moved in together I earned he watched porn before work, after work, during working hours, when I wasn’t home, sometimes on his way to work and in the bathroom while I was on the living room which was literally 10 feet away from the bathroom. He rejected me multiple times when I tried to have intimacy with him making me feel unwanted. I started to feel depress, ugly, not good enough for him. I lost all confidence I had in me. He used to ask me if we could have a play night where we both dressed up and I would agree but then I would get home and he had already masturbated leaving our plans aside. Hes explanation was that he did it because he didn’t know if our plans were going to happen or not. He also opened a fake match.com a month before we moved in seeking for a serious relationship. He has a few fake facebook accounts where he sent hundreds of friend requests to girls, escort listings and porn stars trying to open conversations with them. One of the porn stars is a girl he would always watch on the internet and he sent her a message telling her how beautiful she is. Can someone explain to me why escort listing?.. I became obsessed with the situation and I started to do research all the time. I went to a therapist because I wanted to make sure if it was me the one that was overreacting or if it was normal to feel this way. I spoke to him about the way I was feeling but it seemed like he didn’t care. He kept in doing it. He said watching porn was just a stage from guys in their 27 to early 30ths, and that some percentage of man do it in USA. He would never do research about the consequences on his job, health nor the relationship we had. He became more intimate but he didn’t stop watching porn. He said that he needed to watch porn to be able to be intimate sometimes. I started to look at his phone and he used to hated it. He would stare at girls when we were together etc… I was never able to trust him again because he would always change his password on his phone, put in on silence, turn off his notifications, leave it on the living room and never charge it anymore.. He used to do things that made me think things.. My concern was that he was probably not sure about me or that he was probably not happy with me. He was pushi, always wanting to fix my schedule. I used to get up at 5:20 am, go to school do homework than work and get home around 9:30pm, I had no time to go to the gym and he would insist often on it. I am a pretty 33 year old woman, 5’4in, 105lb. I am not overweight but he wanted to see muscles on my body. He started to point out my imperfections which made me feel ugly. I be ame distant with him because I was hurt. He broke up with me a month ago and asked me to move out. He told me that now I can go get married and have kids. That his parents and his brother think it was the best. That I made him think he has a problem. That I was a jealous pearson. He does not want to know anything about me. And I am still inlove with him. I feel it was my fault he broke up with me. I think I somehow cornered him.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. You didn’t corner him or have unusual expectations. You just wanted a normal relationship. And it sounds like he isn’t able or willing to do that, due to his porn use.
He is making choices about how he deals with his sexuality, and those choices are completely his own.
I would encourage you to continue in therapy, to learn what healthy boundaries will look like for you in future relationships. We’ve written a lot about boundaries in relationships, here and here. If you haven’t found a group for support, those can be great, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch.
Continue to read and educate yourself–the patterns you’ve seen here in this relationship are very common with porn-addicted men. Understand what you’re seeing and what it means, so you can be wise in the future. You might want to read our free download, Your Brain on Porn, which details the how the brain works in addiction. That will help you understand how this is not your fault, but the result of choices he’s making. His behavior changes him, and not in good ways!
Blessings, Kay
I suspected something was going on but didn’t actually catch my husband until we had been married for almost 7 years. He was drunk and thought I was asleep. The light from the laptop made me open my eyes and I did a double take and grabbed the computer out of his hands. I was utterly disgusted at the filth I saw on the screen. My husband literally FLIPPED OUT! Saying crazy things ( keep in mind he was drunk) trying to blame it on 2 of our sons, then acussing me of things, all the while saying I DON”T CARE, I DON”T CARE anymore! He then told me I over-reacted and asked haven’t I ever seen people having sex? Fast forward to last Thanksgiving, while trying to find Excel on my laptop, I right clicked on Windows Media Player and found the mother load. Ditto for our PC upstairs. I also found over 300 downloaded pictures, downloaded videos, and several hidden libraries with locked files. Which interestingly have all been deleted. Again, I was beyond upset, disgusted, and shocked. I tried talking to him about it which was a joke. He blamed others, totally denied any part of it and told me it was not to be discussed again and he didn’t give a rip about my feelings. Just 3 weeks ago, he looked at porn on MY CELL while I went to ladies room in a restaurant. He thought he deleted out of it but doesn’t know how to work my phone. Again, I asked if he’d been on my cell and deny, deny deny! Aside from the fact that it is porn, the sites he views are exceptionally disturbing because they are extremely violent and with young girls. So not only am I dealing with an alcoholic but also with a sex addict who refuses to take any responsibility for his actions. Just a lot of deceitful behavior and dirty little secrets.
Beth, I am just so sorry. I think you’ve got to consider what healthy boundaries can look like for you in this situation. You might want some help thinking this through in a group like S Anon or Al Anon.
And, I should tell you, if he has downloaded child pornography, then he can be prosecuted for that by the FBI. If you’re seriously concerned about the age of the girls involved, call your local law enforcement and speak with them about it. I know that would be a tough step to take, but I want you to understand that if he’s downloading child porn, then it’s very serious indeed.
Blessings, Kay
I’m positive after 30years of marriage , gunshot but lasted my husband started sex texting women on facebook.he fell asleep and a text came thro it was extremely explicit .I text the woman back and had a reply saying I couldn’t keep my husband satisfied so it was my fault. Since then we broke up then talked and tried our marriage again , now after three year’s I’ve caught him watching porn constantly when ever he can and where ever even the toilet while he’s having a wee , our sex life don’t exist he pays no attention too me and says what he’s doing is normal he does not realise he’s got a problem I however can’t take no more all I’ve read is true he’s got all the profanities of an addict , I feel alone, ugly and very much Un wanted .
I am so, so sorry. It’s heartbreaking to hear this.
First of all, let me tell you that this is NOT ABOUT YOU. This is not about you being inadequate as a person. This is about your husband substituting a quick sex fix for the hard work of a real relationship. Unfortunately, our culture has taught men to ignore emotions (be a man! big boys don’t cry!) to the extent that it’s much, much easier for a man to turn to porn (boys will be boys!) instead of work out how to be emotionally engaged in a relationship. Porn is like McDonald’s. It’s quick, it’s good in the moment–but long-term it’s healthy for exactly NO human being. It’s not good for you (obviously!) but it’s also not good for your husband, as all he has after 30 years of marriage is fake relationships.
Second, whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy for YOU. Many, many women in your situation will meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disoder, so find a counselor to help you process these events and emotions. A support group is a great idea, too. Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you, and consider what you’d like your life to look like from here on out. Sadly, it does sometimes come to divorce. That is a simple reality in today’s world.
Your husband absolutely is capable of recovery–so many men have proven that! But, it will be up to him to make those healthy choices, and meanwhile, you’ve got to decide what’s healthy for you.
Peace, Kay
Hello women who are suffering from your partner’s porn addiction. I cannot recommend this workshop enough. It’s called Women in the Battle. It is a faith-based weekend workshops that take place a couple times a year all over the US. It is for women like so many posted here that are survivors of a partner’s sexual integrity issues. Is explains what happens in a mans mind when porn is introduced. There is a man’s workshop too called, Every Man’s Battle. Wives listen!! You are not the cause of his addiction! Pleas repeat that a thousand times! Dressing sexier, better sex positions, losing weight, etc—-not of that will CURE HIM!!! So please don’t spend your energy on that or on believing an addict’s lies. Pleas attend http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
3 weeks ago I realized my husband was using porn. We talked & agreed it is his problem and he asked for help. He will talk with a psychologist next week. But…I just don’t know how to act around him anymore. I don’t know how to dress around him. My deep anger inside makes it impossible to look him in the eyes, hug or kiss him. Up until 6-8 wks ago, we both were madly in love with a healthy sex life. Now, he can’t. Idk how to “be” around him so I try to find chores to keep me busy.
I think it’s okay to cut yourself some slack here as you try to process the reality of what’s been going on in your marriage. You don’t want to stay in this stage forever, and you won’t. But being shocked is normal.
I’m really glad your husband is going to see a psychologist. I would also suggest that he look into a group like SAA, Pure Desire, or some other well-established group for men with porn issues, and then stay in that group for at least a year. Even with the best response initially, it usually takes around 5 years to fully recover from a long-standing porn habit. Most men don’t realize just how deeply ingrained the problem is, or how much work it takes. So just be ready for that!
I would also suggest that you find a counselor to talk to, so that you can process through the anger you’re experiencing now, plus whatever other emotions surface over the course of recovery. I think you need to find a group for yourself, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, even Al Anon have been helpful to women I know. xxxChurch has online groups for wives, too.
Here’s a link to some of our top articles for women; those may help you begin to process through what’s happening for you. We’ve also got two free downloads, Porn and Your Husband, and Hope After Porn, that you may find helpful.
Blessings, Kay
How are things going? What’s your journey been like?
A sleep,if he wake up in the middle of the nite he continue with his drinking. I feel stuck and lonely in this marriage.
Susan, I really hope you’ll reach out for some help just for YOU. A personal counselor might be one option to look into. Groups are another great way to find support, and they are often free: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Al Anon, Pure Desire, xxxChurch. Whatever your husband chooses to do, there are great ways for you to find support and connection. You CAN choose hope and healing, no matter what other people choose. Blessings, Kay
I have had to deal with porn in two marriages for the last 35 years. What I have learned is that no one is studying this problem in our Country. It is a devastating problem for the wife. It took me 10 years before I could trust someone after my first husband and then I found out my second husband had the problem. Porn destroyed both men but they never could see it. All these men do is lie to the wife and then hide everything they do on the computer, phone, etc. There can be no fixing the problem when the men hide everything and figure as long as you don’t see it, they can’t be doing it! I am 62 and have heard horrible stories about what the older woman has to go through with their grandpa husbands usage of porn. Several of the women that I know are basically waiting for their husbands to die. One woman has to put up with her husband who is on a walker bringing home strippers from the strip joint frequently. He is wealthy so these young woman accommodate this man. Our society is so sick and no one is doing anything about it. Once the porn addict gets away with viewing porn all of the time, they can advance to gay porn, animals, children, etc. I hope that one day I can get out of the hell that I am living in. I have been roommates with my husband for many years now. When sex has been tried, I have to do everything because he can have an orgasm. And when it’s over, he gets up and goes out of the room I finally said that I was not going to be used like that so we have been roommates. I don’t have sympathy for the men who get on these websites and put all of the blame on the woman. If your husband is telling you that you are not attractive anymore or they are not attracted to you anymore, or they feel that you don’t like sex, then they more than likely are a porn addict. My husband has stated everything listed that a porn addict says or does. If you watch their behaviors when they are out with you, you can tell that they have habits that they don’t realize they are doing. Sorry for the negative comments but I am done and if I could support myself I would be out of this controlling, unloving marriage. Counseling has already been tried but he always says that I am making it up. —-Wrong because I have caught him in the past and have found much on our computer going through the backdoor. Also, my husband has all of his computer and phone activities hidden. I can’t even see the pictures as they are pattern and masked. I think this husband of mine is bisexual. There is no conversation with my husband at all becuase he blows up if I suggest anything off color. So, I know that he is way into this porn. I am sex starved and sick of it. I am finished with going to counseling to make anything better with this man. He is too nasty, mean, controlling, etc.
Hey Deborah. Actually, there are people who are studying pornography in all sorts of different ways. The problem is, no amount of studying can force people to make good choices. The only thing we can really be responsible for is our own healthy choices. So, while counseling is never, ever going to force your husband to change, it can certainly help you to have good boundaries, to take charge of your own emotions, and to live a healthy life for yourself, no matter what your husband chooses to do. With the history you’ve described in your marriages, it seems like S Anon might be a good fit for you, to provide support for you emotionally and to help you decide how to be healthy in these circumstances. Whatever your husband chooses, I hope that you will choose health and healing for yourself. Blessings, Kay
Nice Article
My husband has admitted to watching gay porn. We are in the recovery phase. But the statement above concerned me. My husband is working on almost a year free and clear of porn. If a man watches gay porn, does that mean they are gay? Seemed to me that his tastes escalated from being addicted to porn for so long. Would love insight on this issue.
Hi Emma, unfortunately, 12 step programs have been proven to be ineffective in treating sex addiction, as they have NO BASIS in scientific fact or research. Many such programs, particularly those created by Patrick Carnes (himself a sex addict) are thinly-disguised attempts at blaming the victim, i.e. the wife, for the addiction. Dr. Omar Minwalla has performed extensive research on sex addiction, as has Diane Strickland. Their findings? Basically ALL sex addicts are also suffering from narcissistic personality disorder and/or sociopathic personality disorder. These disorders cannot be cured or treated. Unfortunately, neither can a so-called sex addiction. Sex addiction is merely another method that a damaged individual uses to control and hurt another individual.
Amen Kay and thank you for your clear insight and truth of the matter. Porn is not a sign of a failing marriage. It is the CAUSE of many failed marriages. It is a habit that has usually been honed for years, long before the innocent wife enters the marriage covenant. At its root is pain medicated by selfish desires. Tom speaks as if men can’t help themselves and if they aren’t getting the “love” they need, it’s not their fault if they are driven to consume porn. Sin! Just plain selfishness at someone else’s expense. Thank you for challenging his defensive stance here which is merely denial. With this attitude a man like this will never find true “love”. Selfless and sacrificial. Getting rid of the porn is a GREAT first step to gaining your wife’s loyalty, respect, trust, and yes, LOVE!
My husband has been addicted to gay porn for 17 years, he finally has come out of the closet, if your husband truly loves you, you should be enough, but if you husband is watching gay porn, you have other problems, I asked for a divorce, I dont want to continue to be married to a gay man.
I’m so sorry, Sharon. How painful for you and for your husband. Blessings as you heal and walk in freedom. Kay
I agree completly. Just remember this was most likely a part of his life before you entered it. If you feel like something is not right go with your gut. After going to sex addicts anonymous meetings he realized how deep seeded and how much pain he was causing me and how miserable porn was making him. Be firm and get him/ her help. By attending 12 steprogram ( 2 different ones each week. This was a real eye opener as to the path he was headed down if he didn’t make drastic changes.
Thank you Kay.
You’re welcome :)
My husband is addicted to porn he’s becoming really aggressive and angry lying all the time doesn’t know fact from fiction anymore blaming me
I’m so sorry, Michee. That is a pretty normal thing that happens, unfortunately. I think when a man is doing things that violate his own values, he feels a great deal of shame toward himself. It’s too painful for him to face that shame. He denies the reality of it. He tells himself lies. He projects all of that outward at the one person who knows the truth: you.
I think you’ve really got to consider your own personal boundaries in this. What is healthy for you? What is right for you? And then, painful as it may be, take the steps you need to take toward what is right and healthy.
If he’s aggressive, if he’s taking his anger out on you, then the most important thing in my mind is YOUR SAFETY. You may need to remove yourself physically from the situation until he figures out how to take responsibility for himself.
Have you read anything on boundaries? I wrote a short article about it a while back, which is here. And I think the stories in Hope After Porn are a good demonstration of what boundaries look like in these situations.
Stay safe! Prayers for you today! Kay
My boyfriend of 17 years had a sudden change in his appearance and social behavior. We have not had sex in ten years. I found out he was addicted to porn and meth. After serving him with a restraining order and dragging him out like luggage I thought I would be at rest finally. I was doing yard work and I found wires connected to my electrical meter, which ran all the way to the electrical pole and into our basement. My electric bill is three thousand dollars. I never paid the bills so I just found out this mess. I am trying to pay it down, but with the discovery of all these wires and phone jacks I don’t know what to do. I believe he ran my mother’s cable up to the tune of two thousand dollars with porn. Should I call the electric company and have all the wires removed like I did him. I am afraid that they will shut my electric off. Off course that is the only bill in my name. I did not realize the deep shit I was in until I had him removed and served with a restraining order. he was arrested for having stolen motorcycles on our property and the police and I know that he is making meth somewhere. I am soooo afraid of this man, but now I have to worry that he is watching me through our electric smart meter. I cannot believe I did not notice the wiring system he had on top of the house and around the house, in the basement, just about everywhere, but he hid it well. His meth addiction and porn addiction are equally scary. We go to court for a final retraining order soon. My lawyer wants to know what part of my life is in danger from the manipulation, the lies, the installing of booby traps and the tapping into our electric to watch porn. This man is soooo scary that I may just move. He went as far as to put a eye in my phone behind an icon. How do I get this nightmare out of my life. We are not married, but he is on the deed and we have a 14 year old daughter in common. On my birthday he was looking up ways to kill someone with common house hold items. He tried to get me fired by hacking into the firewall of my company and sending nasty grams. I told the police all of this and they said it is on the internet and anyone can access it so it is not a crime. I guess finding my body would be the crime. His addiction goes beyond porn, he is addicted to leaning how to make bombs and hacking is his biggest problem. Even though he is gone I feel like he is still watching me. I tried to tell his mother that her son needed mental help and she got mad at me and is in denial. The police arrested him but he was out in one day. My lawyer said it is hard to get a life restraining order. Really that won’t work because I can hold it up as he shoots through the paper. I really cannot believe all that I went through and all that I submitted, they tell me that it open access public knowledge. Little do they know he is a time bomb waiting to go off and I told them that. Someone needs to listen to me before my body is found floating in the river. I have a temporary restraining order and go for a final on the 13th. help help help
Hello, Jacque – is your life seriously in danger? We have to take all comments like this very seriously. Please let me know.
Chris (Covenant Eyes).
kay in response to Jens situation and many others it seams like you really have nothing to say besides telling a lot of this women who are very well kept together (those who have their heads on straight), that u advise that THEY get counseling, as if these poor victims who aren’t part of the issue to seek out mental help. Why comment at all if you aren’t really advising anyone or offering up some great solution, all you do is promote these links to counseling as an advertiser for this and these book you’re promoting you might as well ad a advertisement strip every so many columns and leave it at that. and to those coming onto this webpage knowing it’s a Christian site plastering that God isn’t real , Just exit the site I’m so sick of atheist always trying to impose their beliefs on the Christians. true Christian to harass others beliefs yet they force their theories into all our schools as if it is a scientific fact. men who have this issue need real help and no real help is being offered here. and the church should not try n seek a profit to help their flock, God have mercy.
Unfortunately, the only person we can be responsible for is ourselves. There is no way to change the behavior of a porn-addicted spouse. Men who want to change their behaviors can find plenty of advice on this site, but for spouses, their only real choice is to take responsibility for processing their own pain and choosing healthy boundaries for themselves.
This is a difficult reality, but it is reality: there is no quick fix for wives in these relationships, only a commitment to personal health and wholeness, no matter what the addicted spouse chooses.
All too often, wives are neglected in the recovery process. All the emphasis is put on men fixing their issues. I very often see women who, years later, still suffer from PTSD symptoms because they’ve never had therapy for themselves.
Advising wives to find help for themselves is not about blaming them for the problem in ANY way; it is about making sure that they get help to address the very real impact porn has on their lives.
Hope that helps,
Kay
I would agree that the world would be a better place without porn but God create good and evil and left us free will.
I have been married for over 20 years and have never met a married guy who doesn’t question his own decision to have gotten married because of the expectations and control put over them by there wives which causes them to doubt there relationship. If a man felt loved he wouldn’t dare look at porn because being loved is far more addictive than porn. People want houses, careers, vacations, fancy restaurants, and forget that they are putting their relationship at the middle or bottom of their priorities. Its both partners fault. Porn is a symptom of a failing relationship. Getting ride of the porn doesn’t fix a troubled marriage. Love and honor your spouse like the bible says or your marriage will end one way or another.
What you’re doing here is blaming wives for the husband’s behaviors. Blame is a defensive substitute for personal responsibility. When a man uses porn as a substitute for taking responsibility in his marriage, that is his choice. It is not his wife’s fault. She is responsible for herself and her choices, but she doesn’t force her husband to look at porn. That is his choice. He has the responsibility for his own behavior, and no one else. I find that people generally place blame when they are ashamed of their own behavior. The more blame, the more shame the blamer is feeling. The solution to this is not to continue to place blame on others, but rather to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices.
Thx,this helps.Just when you said”being loved is far more addictive then porn”. He knows I love him with all I am. My worries lie in ;if he’s looking at porn to learn how to touch me. Because the way he touches me is how I’ve seen in porn.And he’s NEVER touched me like this before. He has watched porn
I’ve caught him. It makes me feel less then what I know I am. It’s caused huge arguments. He’s not deprived in sexual intercourse or attention very far from it in fact. I think that if I don’t give it to him for just a little while that he will resort to porn. He even admitted to me without me catching him that he looked at porn to get me upset because I went out one night. He’s in shape now more than ever, but his job is concrete so that’s a given every season. I to have slimmed down and look healthy and feel beautiful for the most part unless he is being inconsiderate all of my thoughts and the issues going on in my life. I feel alone a lot of the time. He has gotten a very bad temper and has even put his hands on me in a bad way. He gets distant a week or two out of a month. Is that normal for a man? I do everything I can for him, I am NOT weak, I am a good woman, inside and out. The porn thing and looking at it for advice on how to touch me is bothering me. For example he look at lesbian porn I’m thinking to see what women like obviously a woman knows what a woman wants. It bothers me to the point of silence and distance. Which I’m afraid of because I don’t want to argue with him anymore. We will be married within a couple years. I am clueless as to what to do feel or think.
Hey there. So glad you wrote in. I want to encourage you to continue to think about your boundaries. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries. Here’s a free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their stories in recovery. That might help as you think through what to do, also.
One of the things that’s so common in porn is women just being used as sex objects–no voice, no value, just whatever the man wants. Unfortunately, that kind of thinking gets transferred over to the marriage relationship really easily.
I’m concerned to hear you say that he’s developed a really bad temper and has been physically abusive. All the more reason for you to consider your boundaries–not just for your sexual preferences (which do count! not just his!) but also for your physical safety.
If you feel that you are in danger at any time, please get to a safe place immediately. Call 911 if you need to.
The bottom line is this: if this is going to be a real marriage, BOTH of you matter. BOTH of you count. It’s not just about what he wants and needs sexually. Your sexual wants and needs matter too.
Make sure you’re getting support in this! Personal counseling can be helpful, as well as groups like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, or xxxChurch.
Whatever he decides to do, make sure that you are making healthy choices for you, and getting the support you need.
Blessings, Kay
I didn’t know my husband very well when I married him and probably wouldn’t have married him if I had known of his porn addiction. However, I was only married 3 months when I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered my husband was not there. I was looking for more sex and quickly ran downstairs to find him asleep at the computer. His face was literally on the keyboard, his jean zipper was undone, there were tissues all around his desk. I didn’t understand what I was seeing as porn addiction was never discussed or heard of in 1998. I moved the mouse or flicked the screen. Maybe the mouse hadn’t been invented yet and saw thousands of downloaded files. I woke him up, tears running down my face! Appalled! Scared!! Confused!! He was angry. He said if I was a better wife, he wouldn’t look at porn. I tried to kick him out of my condo but obviously felt stuck and thought we could talk it out. We never did and for years I tried to ignore it. I would quietly go down and bring him to bed. Frustrated sexually because we never had sex! Whenever anything was initiated at all I never said NO and I did my best to initiate but when my son was born- only because I paid for a cruise where it was too expensive for him to use the computer, did it become unbearable. In many ways he was a good man but I needed more sex and we were on different schedules. He was up from 10 pm to 3am looking at porn. He would be irritable and cranky when I would get him and the kids up in the morning. After dinner in the evening, he would fall asleep putting the kids to bed from 8 to 10 pm. I’d eventually have the dishes done, lunches made, floors cleaned- we lived in Bermuda so to avoid the bugs everything had to be cleaned a lot- go to bed. I tried to wake him and he’d yell that I was just jealous of him spending time with the kids so I tried not to disturb him. I would try to talk to him and eventually requested counselling but he told the counsellor that I was just imagining and he really didn’t spend that much time at the computer. Now he’s remarried and I have no idea if porn is a problem yet. Maybe he learned to put his real intimacy first.
I have been fighting this with my husband for 23 years. There has been no sex for eight years. All I can say is if you are married your husband’s penis will more than likely turn to a weenie. My husband has nine of the symptoms of porn addiction. He likes Asian women that look like they are 13-14 year olds and pee on him. I guess with the holagrams, he thinks that they are.
Hi Danielle, I’m sorry you’ve had such a long and painful struggle in your marriage. I hope you’re finding support for yourself in all this. Personal counseling is often helpful for spouses. Groups are great, too: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon, xxxChurch–those are all places spouses can find support. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy, YOU can choose to work on healing and recovery from the pain. Blessings, Kay
Hmmm what if your not married you could say oh well then a failing relationship but just maybe he had this problem before it all began in the first place! A man wouldn’t watch porn if he felt loved you are so incorrect alot of these men have women who cater to they’re every need who are willing to fulfill his sexual needs when ever he wants it and who could be his freaky fantasy if he only wanted her in that way I agree your relationship is in trouble when your man would rather sit in front of a screen convincing him self in every way he can that she isn’t doing something right to continue the behavior he didn’t want to admitt he has a problem cause he doesn’t want to fix it so he claims bull crap like if she only acted this way or that cause it sure in the hell isn’t my fault I feel justified now off to get love from my hand
Hi Miranda. I agree with you that blame is never the answer. Men who choose to look at porn are choosing to look at porn. Blame is simply a way to shift responsibility to someone else. When we engage with trying to correct blame, usually we just create a bunch of drama that serves to distract from the truth: each person is responsible for their own choices and behavior.
The only way to combat blame is with healthy boundaries. We’ve written about that here and here.
Blessings, Kay
I’ve been married to my second husband a month. The thing is, I found out my first husband looked at porn in our first month of marriage. After that it became an addiction. He wasn’t interested in intimacy with me and when we did have sex there was nothing in it for me and it was over in about a min or two. It was very hard on me. My self esteem was ruined. The hardest was during my first two pregnancies and after. We eventually divorced after so much pain and heartache and so many other lies that contributed to the porn. Now, I’ve been married two weeks and my husband has slowly in the last few months been different. But that last two weeks have been the worst. We also have a baby that was born a few months ago. I’m 27. Every man in my life including my father whom I do not speak to anymore has turned out to be a pervert. It’s so sad really. I have never had a man in my life that didn’t do porn or cheat. So, back to my current situation. He started by keeping his phone with him all the time. Then it was his temper. And I cook dinner for this man every night, keep his house clean like he likes it, and watch all the kids including his 2 from his previous marriage. We used to have sex every other day and then suddenly it became maybe once a week and once again it’s whatever he wants. I am so frustrated because he makes me promises and says he is going to have sex with me tomorrow night or I’ll make it up to you (our 5 min session that was all about him) I’m going to go downtown on you tomorrow. I wait and wait and it never fails that he’s too tired or stalls or changes plans. He recently bought all kinds of toys. Spent hundreds of dollars. He keeps them locked in his safe because he says he doesn’t want me using them when he’s not here. But we only used one or two twice in the last 4 months. He is looking at other women all the time now and when I call him out he just gets angry and defensive. I went through that with my first husband. He tells me it was me in the first marriage bc he swears he’s not doing it and I’m accusing him. He always wants me to keep it shaved and and I do but then he doesn’t even touch me. Now he’s started telling me my boobs aren’t big enough. I had a reduction at 17 bc the were an E and I am 5 ft tall and 120 lbs. now they are a full c, I sometimes wear a D bc of the fullness. But I have some scars. And he’s telling me I have no butt. He also told me my girl area shouldn’t be tucked in. It’s not. I just don’t have any lose skin to hang out. He also told me he was infatuated with a girl at work bc she looked like me but her butt was bigger and that he watched her walk up and down the stairs. Then he started telling me later that she gets around at work and was transferred to his location bc she was such a whore. Now, he’s calling his ex wife at night when he is in the road and swears it’s over the kids. I called him out on it last night and it was just a 3 min conversation but he claims he didn’t talk to her at all. It’s on the bill. You see, everyday he checks my phone several times and also looks at the bill. He has also gotten this temper and hit me a few times. I tried to talk to him about that and he says if he really wanted to hurt me he would and I wouldn’t get back up. He doesn’t even look at me anymore. The thing is I’m so in love with this man. And I am devastated. I got a hold of his phone when he was asleep and found his hidden app with hidden movie. It was young girls like teenage.I’m very petite. People say I have a pretty face and that I look very young. I know I’m not ugly but I feel so ugly. He makes me feel like I’m not enough woman and tells me that if my job at home was a real job I’d be fired. We have 5 kids together. I had two and he had two and now we have one of our own. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. He was in the phone with his mother last night when I texted him and told him the really bad stuff I saw on his phone. His mother texted me and asked me what the hell I was trying to accuse her son of. I texted back and said I wasn’t accusing just asking how it got there. After I talked to him on the phone and he clicked get in bc she was calling…. She proceeded to tell me I was a little bitch and she’d kick my ass. He never told her she was out of line that I heard. She texted me today and told me he was going through the same hell he went through with the first wife. Yet she talks to her like she’s her best friend. My moms all I’ve got bc he doesn’t even allow me to talk to anyone else bc he says they’d talk me into leaving. But he tells his mother everything and she tells ex wife everything and she’s always trying to get him alone. I’ve been through so much in my life from physical, emotional abuse and even men in my family being innppropriate bc of my big bust before. I hated me for such a long time. I remember one time I was about 13 and I was harassed constantly over my big boobs. I was in the mall with my friends and thus man holding his wife’s hand with kids was staring so hard that it made me feel so nasty. And I never showed any cleavage. This was just with a t shirt . Obviously I had gotten much much worse things said to me but this bothered me the most. It’s bothered me so bad. Even my dad started at them over the dinner table the whole time we were eating. My husband knows all of this but he had the nerve to tell me that they looked better back in the day. We dated in high school before my previous husband. I’m jut feeling so numb to the world. I’ve been through so much trauma in my life also as a child to now all the things I deal with on a daily basis. I feel like I’m on auto pilot now. I don’t know what to do. I feel as if I’m so hurt I’m going numb to everything. I have this baby and I wouldn’t ever want him left alone with any of his people and I know if we split I’d have to. I’ve been through that with my other two. I’m so lost and so hurt and fm have no one. The thing is I’ve lost all hope in men. All men bc of my experiences with any man that was supposed to mean something. I still love this man but it’s like he’s a stranger to me. And nothing I do makes him happy. But you see he is always asking me why I’m not happy and tells me I’ll never be happy. But obviously he’s the unhappy one. I’m the one trying to cope with the fact that I’m not what he wants anymore. Help?
I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced in relationships.
It sounds to me like you’ve been treated as an object by so many men, when in fact you are the precious, beloved child of God, created in His image, and valuable beyond imagination.
The life you live needs to reflect the value of who you are. And the situation you’re in now, with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse does not match up at all with who you really are, and how God wants you to experience life.
I want you to find some people who will treat you with the care and respect God wants for you. Maybe a personal counselor. Maybe safe people in a group, like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or xxxChurch.
Get with some people who can help you experience love, who can help you process the emotions you’re experiencing, and who can help you think about healthy boundaries for yourself and your children.
You were not created to be abused. You were created for freedom and an abundant life.
Blessings, Kay
Porn addiction has nothing to do with love and everything to do with a sick twisted lustful addiction If they were not loved why would they marry in the first place
I’m sorry but that is bs. My husband is battling a porn addiction that he has been dealing with since we’ll before we met. My husband does love me. Very deeply. But the issue is chemical and we are overcoming it together. I do not out excess control over him, but I do have standards. It isn’t right or fair to place the blame on wives all the time. I keep fit, I’m “good in bed”, and he has been struggling with addiction regardless.
Hey Alexandra, you’re absolutely right. It isn’t right or fair or helpful to blame wives for the choices their husbands make. A man’s choice to look at porn has nothing to do with his wife’s appearance or sexual availability; it has to do with the choices he’s made. And, you’re also right to have standards and boundaries. You can’t have a healthy relationship without those. Keep up the good work in recovery! And thanks for speaking up. Kay
I have to completely disagree with you because I’ve been married 10yrs and have gave my husband all my love and attention and always no matter what it maybe think of what he’d think say or do pretty much walk on egg shells to make him happy and guess what he still looks at porn.. It’s an addiction and although the person may want to change its hard and may never but as a spouse of a porn addict it’s draining and can only take their actions and having to walk on egg shells for so long so it’s not just what goes on in marriages to cause people to view it…
Thanks for speaking up, Jasmine. The truth is, the person with the behavior is responsible for their own choices. When men blame women for their choices, they are often simply verbalizing the defense mechanisms they employ to rationalize their choices.
Our choices are our own. The only way forward is for each person in the relationship to decide what is healthy, and to make choices accordingly. For spouses of addicts, this usually involves getting a rigorous self-care regimen in place (perhaps personal counseling and/or group work like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, or xxxChurch) and then deciding what kind of healthy boundaries need to be in place.
Blessings, Kay
It can be the woman’s fault!!!
If the wife has no sex drive and continues to turn the husband down when he wants to intimate then it is VERY easy to turn to porn for the relief a man needs.
Men are real easy!!
Eat, sleep, and SEX!!!
I agree that kids can take up time and energy, but they take up time and energy for a good dad as well. When the wife is a stay at home mom and the husband works all day to keep it that way then I see no reason why the wife needs to always turn a guy down
Thank you Tom for this facto truth, it hit close to home, and helped me take a closer look at my relationship now after my husband’s over 20 years of porn and phone sex. Thanks from the bottom of my heart, yours hit right where it should and light bulbs have went off.
I’m sorry but your opinion here is very narrow minded. I adored my husband when we got married & was eager to please. He also knew that porn was unacceptable if he was going to be in a relationship with me. Partly due to my naivety, mostly due to his great skill at manipulation, I fell for the lie that he chose me out of his love for me & God & that he was living in victory from his porn addiction. Upon getting married we included in our vows to be faithful to each other mentally, emotionally, & physically. I knew his temptations & thought that having a wife always sexually willing & available would help. I also knew that men could be sensitive to a refusal for sex so I determined to never refuse or seem uninterested. To my surprise, on our honeymoon I was refused for sex (I was not upset, just surprised because I thought that’s what he wanted), & later found out that my new husband had not made it through our honeymoon without viewing porn. So please, explain to me how my husband’s serious, life-disrupting addiction to pornography that started when he was a child & that has cost him 3 jobs in our 5yrs of marriage has been the result of our failed marriage.
I’m sure you mean well, but from the opinion you gave you sound as if you are either ignorant on this subject or are in denial. I would encourage further study either way.
I think your response is crazy. I have been dealing with this stuff for 35 years from both 1st and 2nd husbands. They both lost their erections. I was an excellent lover, wife, mother and person. The first one (an alpha male) decided that I wasn’t sexy enough even though I could wear anything out of Victoria’s Secret and a bikini to the pool. After we divorced, I had no trouble in dating men. They all called back. Sometimes, I had dates scheduled three nights per week six weeks out. The men came on to me everywhere. I treated my husband like a king until he decided that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Then 35 years later, he tells my 37 year old daughter that he made a big mistake in leaving her mother. The second husband is not attractive but I did try to love him. He was no good in bed but I made it work. He could not wait to get married and then I found out that I should have left him upon returning from the honeymoon. He was constantly looking for women everywhere all of the time. He was an omega male who complained all of the time over something. I must have been really down to have married him but he seemed so interested and acted like he loved me. This man is more heavily involved in porn than the first one was. We can’t even go to a restaurant on our anniversary without him almost having an orgasm in the elevator when a young Asian woman get in with her boyfriend. This was his signal for sex because that is what he likes. The porn destroyed two marriages and I can’t wait to get out of this marriage. No more needy men for me! I will just date them from now on — have sex and run.
When u first got married my husband was watching it and I felt very unloved. Now come to find out his daddy has a issue with porn he’s an addict. I’m afraid when I’m not home and at work my husband may be watching it. Secretly because I asked him did he have any problems he said no. I don’t even trust my own husband and I have lately been angry all the time what do I do?
Hi Crystal.
It sounds like it might be time for another conversation with your husband. I think you could take ownership of your own fears, and ask your husband to install accountability software on his devices, just for your peace of mind. If he really doesn’t have a porn problem, that should be a pretty easy way for you to feel safe. If it turns out that he does have a problem, he would do well to find a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to help him through recovery.
I would also say that you need to process this anger somehow. Many times anger is a sign of fear or pain, but those emotions are vulnerable, so we put anger over them so we can feel strong and able to defend ourselves. You might want to journal on a regular basis to give yourself a chance to understand how you’re feeling and why. Here’s a 3-minute animation I did just recently that demonstrates a quick and easy way to journal through emotions.
You might want to look for support for yourself through a group like Celebrate Recovery. And there’s always counseling just for you, if you feel stuck and can’t process through things on your own. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy as you move forward.
Blessings, Kay
This is not true. I love my husband very much. 3 to 4 times a day we use to be intimate. And yes since having the 5 kids things have settled down to a once a day or once every other day… but it slowly went down nothing abruptly. And he knows when he “needs” me, I would never deny him. I’ve experimented with him even though just the thought of the act made me nasuaus… by our of love I would put my mind in a better place and do as he wished in fear of him going some place else for his desires. Today I can honestly say it’s gotten a lot worse. He hides things… very secretive… and I can’t live this way any longer. After all the talks, threats, compromises and sacrifices I have made he still does the same thing. It hurts. And there is nothing more I can do for him. Every part of our marriage has become tainted in some way or another by him and a woman can only take so much pain emotionally before they succumb to depression. And your choices are to stay and live unhappily and sick for the rest of your life or leave and feel hurt for maybe a few months. If rather live sad for a few months then feel bad everyday for the next 70 years.
Thanks, Dawn. I think you’ve expressed some very important realities here: when sex is all about one person, and when it’s not about real intimacy or enjoyment, when it’s just about “experimenting” to keep one of the partners happy, that’s sexual objectification, not a relationship. And in order to have a marriage that works, you need more than just sex. You need a real relationship. I hope that as you process what’s next, you’ll find support for yourself. Counseling can be a big help at times like these, and groups are often a great help as well. Blessings, Kay
What if the addiction was hidden before marriage? How do you handle that?
Hi Shelly. I think honesty in the here-and-now is critically important. If he hid it in the past, but it prepared to be honest today, okay. Taking responsibility for himself is a solid foundation you can build on. However, if he’s not able to be responsible for himself, if he’s not really able to tell the truth, if he’s not willing to make changes… well, that’s a problem. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries which might be helpful as you think things through. Blessings, Kay
I found a video that I believe in my heart that is my husband having group sex how do I find out I know all his tattoos how they alter the videos. What can I do to get the picture on the video more clear. Every time I try talking to him he gets very defensive & angry. I’m very tired of dealing with this situation please any body tell me. I’m a wife mother going through alot.
Hey there, Angelina.
I’m a counselor, not a tech person. So I can’t help you with your video-quality issue (I’d say Google it, that’s a great place to get tech help!) but I want to offer you this idea: you can only be responsible for you. If your husband wants to be faithful and work on the marriage, he can do that.
If he chooses not to do that, you can still make healthy choices for yourself.
Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries. You might also like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the boundary choices they made. I would also suggest that you find a counselor in your area who can help you process your emotions and consider what it will look like for you to be healthy in the midst of this difficult situation.
Blessings, Kay
I’m so happy I left my porn-addicted husband 16 years ago! Yesterday I got an email from his most recent girlfriend, a woman who discovered his addiction after he stopped having sex with her. She broke up with him and is very hurt. She tracked me down and wanted to know whether I had the same experience. Yep, but apparently he’s worse now, and he absolutely refuses to discuss it. Remembering how awful I felt when I was married, knowing about my ex’s excessive porn use made me so grateful he and his porn are no long a part of my life!
Ladies: After you rid yourselves of your childish excuse for a man, you will feel much better about yourselves, about everything. You deserve better.
Hey Shiela. I’m so glad you were able to make those healthy choices for yourself. It’s sad to think that your ex has gone on to continue in relationship-destroying habits. It is so, so important for women to learn healthy boundaries, and to be supported to make those tough choices that lead to life. I think it’s really hard for women to realize that life can be whole again when they are in the midst of the terrible pain of relationship loss. Thanks for sharing your story of hope and freedom. Peace to you, Kay
More men should think this way.
Is there hope for the “pornified” brain in reversing the erectile dysfunction. My husband developed ED at age 52 and I just assumed it was b/c of his long history of high blood pressure and/or BP medications, but I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!!
Hi Lisa, to answer your question, “is there hope for the “pornified” brain in reversing erectile dysfunction”? The answer is “yes,” but it takes hard work to rewire a 25-year old addiction. Neurons that fire together, wire together, so if he’s serious about creating new habits and new patterns for his brain, then yes, he can recover. We explain the neurology behind porn addiction in our e-book, “The Porn Circuit,” which you can download and read here: https://www.covenanteyes.com/science-of-porn-addiction-ebook/ I hope this helps your understanding of the brain power behind his addiction.
-Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
I only look at porn as a release and only once a month or longer. I don’t look at deviate sex sites or physical abuse sex sites. Wow, could I be any more in denial thinking that this is some kind of justification. As a Christian I know in my heart that this is wrong and sinful. I have experienced the downfalls of looking at porn. I can pray and sing praise and ask God for deliverance, but find myself looking at porn once more. Ok, I can be out in public and not think twice about looking at another woman or even lusting after her. I can keep myself from looking at sexual explicit television. I can go months without looking at porn and then when I do afterwards I feel disgusted and ashamed knowing that I have violated Gods Holy temple as well as my relationship with my wife. It’s sad because when I have the urge to look I start praying and even during I can sense the Lord trying to draw me away but I continue. I find myself in a state of depression and a lack of interest in my wife when trying to be physical with her. I don’t want my heart to become hard to the point that I no longer feel the conviction that reveals Gods love. I don’t want this in my life.
Hey Steve. If you really want out, please find a counselor and a recovery group like Pure Desire. Telling the truth out loud to others is a great first step, and the best ongoing way to recovery. You also need to tell your wife the truth and get your devices into a place of solid accountability. Denial won’t help. Facing the truth, taking responsibility for yourself, and making real changes will. Recovery is absolutely possible! Peace to you, Kay
I think that is complete b/s. I have fourth stage breast cancer and yes I don’t a”look.ike the Barbie” he married. I take no responsibility for his addiction. It is a load of crap to tell women relationships lacking love create porn addiction. My husband has suffered with this issue from being raised in a household with a porn addicted father with easy access and the monster was created and just grew. I did my absolute best to,continue our romantic/sexual connection during 12+surgeries and chemo and radiation to remove my double d breasts. He admitted that his addiction began way before I came into his life. He used porn as a coping mechanism much like an alcoholic or drug addict. After discovering that during our 10 year relationship he still had not given up porn, despite my best efforts to keep things interesting and different in the relationship and showing extra affection I was NOT responsible for HIS addiction. I separated from him last June,once I discovered how deep this issue was impacting my self esteem, and health in general. I lived in a hotel for 2 months and bought my own condo and stressed that he must complete a 12 step program and enter counselling if we were going to remain a couple. Best thing I could have done. One year later, I have my husband back. Women, I can’t stress the importance of standing up and forcing your partner into help. He wanted it and said it was so awful hiding and feeling the guilt. Be strong and put your marriage back together. I knew if I left him the addiction wouldn’t go away. The next victim of porn addiction would be his next relationship. I love him dearly and wanted freedom for him for his peace and his own sanity. I thank God foremost, our marital counsellor, and my husband for loving himself and us enough to make changes to save our relationship. Final thought, best of luck to all families struggling with this outrageously addictive issue. Stay strong! Have a good network of people you trust and force him/ her to face this ugly reality. Best of luck to all dealing with this right now.
Sometimes it has to do with what we grow up around or who we grow up around but yes, ultimately it is our own choice I regret that I developed that habit I want to get help but I’m not sure where to turn I’ve been looking at this stuff since I was six and I ruined a beautiful relationship it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even value myself at all and I hate myself more and more each day please are there any recommendations to where I can get help
Hey Forrest. I am so, so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and guilt. I’d suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on what walls of defense you will place around yourself, including software (Covenant Eyes), accountability, and Jesus. Not that you’re deciding to fight, it will fight you back. The most difficult days might still be ahead, but “if God is for you, who can be against you?” And I’m confident He is for you.
Peace,
Chris
That’s a load of bollocks. I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile. I made and served him his favorite meals regularly. I supported him 100% through a challenging career move. I nursed him without complaint through a long illness. I massaged his aching back regularly. I welcomed his friends, hobbies, and free time. I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure.
And he still looked at porn, and refused me sex.
Absolutely rubbish” if he would feel loved”. I give all my life to him. I look after him I love him like nothing else exist on earth but I discovering him watching porno. Sex life, what ever he desire I’m with him. So don’t tell this bull s..t.
I have known for some time that my husband looked at porn. It has now got to the point that I believe he has a real addiction and maybe some other issues. Yesterday while at a doctors visit my husband went to the car and masturbated while looking at porn. I was lucky or unlucky that I saw him before my son did. At first he tried to deny what he was doing then he admitted it, but blamed it on me not feeling well. Finally he said he was sorry, and won’t do it again.
This behavior is scaring me I tried to talk to him about this and he gets angry and won’t listen.
I have been married for over 20 years and I don’t know if this is a new thing for him or something I finally caught onto. He never wants to have to be intimate with me, but is always online looking at porn.
I am embarrassed and not sure what to do. I try to keep myself looking nice , and always have a nice cooked dinner for him, but he doesn’t seem to be here, like he’s very distant. I think the addiction is destroying him.
I think you’re really wise to see the signs of what porn addiction is doing to your husband. As with any other addiction, you can’t control him or force him to change, but you can be responsible for your own emotional health and your own boundaries. I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process through all this; a support group could be a big help, too. And there’s an online community called Bloom that you might find helpful: groups, classes, support–lots of good stuff.
Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries that I think are useful.
Trust yourself! You know what you are seeing, you know the damage he’s doing to himself and to the relationship. Think about what this means, even if it’s scary, and trust yourself with the healthy boundaries you’ll need, and get support! Peace to you, Kay
Not true..if someone has been addicted since a very young age to porn lying drugs..etc…there is definitely is a stronghold bondage between the person and these activities..My husabnd got off of drugs..but I am now finding that he has a porn addiction I think from what it appears
There is no God. Sorry to say, but its more complicated than just good and evil
Wow what planet do you reside on? I gave my husband all and then some and he still chooses to engage in behavior that is unacceptable in a monogamous relationship. All thanks to porn and sex addiction.
Hey there. Thanks for pushing back against the idea that women can control their husbands’ addiction with lots of sex. As you and every other wife of a sex addict knows, this is simply not true.
I think men who say things like this are doing one of two things. They are either engaged in gaslighting–telling a story that is completely untrue in order to confuse their victims; or two, giving voice to the rationalizations they use in their own heads that allow them to continue to violate their own values. Here’s a short animation on gaslighting, and here’s one on defense mechanisms. Understanding these dynamics keeps us from wasting our efforts on crazy-making discussions, when what we really need to do is build healthy boundaries.
Peace to you and keep living in the truth, Kay
Been married 23 years y father moved in with us now there six in the house my father lives in our basement were y husband would sleep until our daughter would leave our room my husband would sleep in the living room until he was able to come tobed someone gave him a taplap he asked some kids how do you go 9n porn webs because he said he was bored and it gave him the right to go on porn he’s 76 I’m 56 haven”t had sex in seven years because he says his medicines help help help
Hi Sue,
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing so much pain right now. I think the best thing would be for you to find help for YOU, so that you can process your pain and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself in this situation. Find a counselor just for you, find a support group, check out the online resource, Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you, Kay
Sorry, God did not create good and evil. Go to Genesis, chapters 1 and 2. Everything God created was good, very good. Adam and Eve disobeyed and sin was introduced into the world.
Oh I was once naive enough to believe this. I had put my husband above family, friends, and career. Picked up all his messes, apologized and took blame for all of HIS short-comings, and so on. Finding out he used porn destroyed me and our marriage, it wasn’t anything I did with regard to commitment or honor nor subservience. I was always faithful loving supportive loyal and dedicated with all attention on him. And kept up a pristine appearance. Cooked, cleaned, bought pleasant thoughtful gifts, made sure everything regarding the household was in line for his comfort, honored all his requests and commands even those which were blatantly selfish.
But you know what the men will say then?
“It’s you’re fault because you’re so good I feel I don’t deserve you.” “You’re too perfect” “You think you’re perfect” “You think you’re better than me” “Who you getting dolled up for, you must be cheating on me” ( Trying to look good for my own husband resulted in accusations of cheating, when I was only trying to be attractive to him – Meanwhile his “harmless” porn use had rendered his cock and balls useless while I was blaming myself for his lack of attraction since he denied using porn.)
It’s never men’s fault, is it?. This type of thinking you propose is that of a TODDLER.
Godly men don’t view porn, nor do husbands. Men who view porn are failing at both of these things, they are disingenuous charlatans. They are not husbands, and do not deserve wives. They can hardly be called men, while behaving so like an animal.
If the man is the head of household, it his his duty to guide his wife’s behavior with his own. Men who refuse to take part in this can not be the head of a family. You are fooling yourself, but you aren’t fooling me, nor the other women who see through this, and you should be ashamed of attempting to fool your wife into carrying the burden of YOUR failure.
totally disagree. I met my husband when he was already entrenched in porn. He was addicted when I got married, except I didn’t know till after a year of marriage when I cleaned his office out only to find YEARS of it.
Thanks for speaking up, Elizabeth!
This post is victim blaming and complete bull. Men who decide to view porn do so for their own selfish reasons, not because of any shortcomings in their wives’ behavior or appearance.
We had a wonderful loving giving reciprocation relationship. Until my husband found porn … I have been in my option an exception to the rule that you discribe, married for 32 years but thought we had a great Sex life, one I know has been satisfying for my husdand for sure… he’s rarely ever starts sex without oral sex for him and never for me as he thinks that is disgusting and nasty.. and defiantly never any foreplay for me, just me with him… he never lets me initiate that I want to have sex, he shuns me… brushes me off… there are time he calls me at work asking me if I can come home after he gets in from work at 4pm that he needs to F… me… then when I can’t he tells me that he jacks off to porn.. this hurts me to beyond measure… as I have a high sex drive and when I get home he’s ready to go to sleep at 7pm.. he knows I can’t even get close to hiim because. I cry myself to sleep feeling like he cheated betrayed me and then killed me with his confection he now has ET when we have sex and can’t have an orgasm and fakes it most of the time… he’s destroyed our marriage my heart is broke, I love him but this pain in my heart is unbearable..
I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I wonder what your support system is like? Do you have a counselor, a group, or an online resource like Bloom to help you through? I think you really need help processing these painful emotions, and working on what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation. Your husband is making unhealthy choices, but you can be healthy, no matter what he chooses. I hope you’ll reach out for help today. Peace to you, Kay
Sorry I don’t agree men are selfish you can love them to death doesn’t matter they want to look they will
That may be true at some points, but when men take there family for granted they miss out in gods blessings, as in my case, I went un noticed in my marriage and now we are separated. And I caught him watching porn and enjoying himself and then I found sites in his phone, enough is enough, I’m very torn up over this, he’s a christian man and knows better. He just destroyed ant hope there was.
I caught him one time while doing infront of his computer three years ago. Today, i saw on his history full of site of porn and it was the last page that he we’re into. I tried to talked to him and he get pissed, he said why im loozing his personal things. I don’t really know if he gonna stop really because it was a long time I caught him. I must be the one have the right to make mad because what he was doing makes me uncomfortable. One time, he’s private part cannot be even get hard I was thinking the other day that somethings wrong with him. He even get mad when I’m talking while mking love he just want me to moan. I feel so bad, I don’t know what to do.
Hey Jenny.
I’m so sorry.
I think you’ve got to look hard at your boundaries. What is healthy for you in this relationship? Here and here are a couple of articles that might help you think that through.
UHHHHMMMNNN.. be careful in the way you judge you shall be judged.. My husband of 24 years has had a problem with porn,masturbation( although he likes to go to those seedy adult stores to do it) I found out he went into or paid to go into a gay bathhouse,and when confronted with hard evidence he finally came up with the lame lie of” I had a weak moment and thought I was going into a strip club” are you kidding me? yes he was , I literally wanted so bad to believe him that I thought as well as MYPASTOR THAT IT WAS PLAUSIBLE….UNTIL… We went camping 3 years later and I found yup you guessed it GAY PORN on his phone that somehow got saved in a file he downloaded… OH BUT WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT hE SAID THE GUYS AT HIS WORK MUST HAVE SENT IT TO HIM AS A JOKE, to WHICH I REOKIED ‘that’s NOT FUNNY AND I WILL CALL THEM TOMORROW TO LET THEM KNOW” ..well needless to say he finally admitted to only looking for naked women on this site and somehow he pressed the wrong button and woops again! ..lol I have found out about numerous times that he brought home videos to watch, along with going to those seedy places. And I have really tried to be a forgiving wife and begged him to get help. But he has played me so many years ,and taken advantage OF MY GOOD WILL TOWARDS HIM. he ACTUALLY believes he would not ever do porn if we had sex more regularly..and then comes the reality that I have to remind him that while we were having sex regularly and quite satisfyingly I still was not enough for him. So the excuse he makes to throw me under the bus to cover his perverse escapades would almost be unforgivable…IF the good LORD had not shown me that as He had compassion on me a sinner ,I must do the same. So instead of being crazy mad about it anymore I just tell myself its not my problem, if he chooses to give himself over to the evil one he has free will but there is a price to pay. And unfortunately our whole family has had to pay for all his anger problems, and manipulative mind games ,as well as he causes so much discord in our home. He is critical and never does anything wrong. These are the facts am I angry no I can honestly say not anymore but I have to call a spade a spade. I actually fell quite sorry for him he must be very unhappy. On top of all this he claims he is a Christian, he even told me he wanted an annulment on our honeymoon and at least 200 times since then..not exaggerating he bullies me and our daughter if we don’t do what he wants. She is 18 now and cant wait to leave our broken home. There is soooo much more I cant even say
But PLEASE those of YOU who have not been the recipient of this kind of abusive, lying,perverse behavior PLEASE DONT tell us that we are the problem.
YOU MUST BE A NARCISSIST…
Can this lead to other kind of sexual addictions my son stays with my.mom sometimes and I’m worried about my stepdad
If you are concerned for your child’s safety in the home of another person, do not allow your child to stay there. Make sure your child understands personal safety standards such as “bathing suit” rules for younger kids (people aren’t allowed to touch you inside your bathing suit area). If your intuition tells you that someone is unsafe, LISTEN.
If you love and honour ur husband as you have said but he still watch porn every night. What should the wife do?
It’s time to think about healthy boundaries for yourself. Here and here are a couple of articles to help you get started. You might also want to find a counselor who can help you process emotions and build healthy boundaries. You might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Peace to you, Kay
Although I agree with your last statement that Porn is a symptom of a failing relationship and getting ride of the porn doesn’t fix a troubled marriage”, I do not agree that love is necessarily the answer. Love can conquer the world but true love is unconditionally and only a mother can love unconditionally.
There are several habits on a person’s character that can hit the sexual arousement in women making it harder to focus on trying to “love” him. When the sexual life declines eventually, and he turns to porn, only a couple with a high level of maturity and understanding of God’s work through the Holly Spirit can survive a divorce and a husband who watches porn displays a low level of maturity in my opinion. So my accentuation goes to understanding that many times (with a few real exceptions), there is something not sex related going on between couples that eventually will affect sex life and will lead to porn.
It is very sad, If I would have the power to change something in this world, I would put in jail those promoting pornography because it truly is a criminal offenset to promote whats proven to be a family and marriage destruction tool. I only hope God can save my marriage because only he could make that miracle happens.
Some men just have a addiction to porn no matter how much the wife is doing,so if the husband is addicted to alcohol I suppose that is the wife’s fault as well..get over yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I begin the conversation?
Hmmm. I’m sorry to to disagree, been married 30yrs, work raised 2 boys, he works away frequently. I’ve gone through this 3times now that I’ve found out that he’s looking at porn, each time forgiven and been quite liberal in bedroom as far as God permits.,now ridiculing me to friends that I’ ” look pretty good ” after a few beers. Tell me , what else can I do ,. Just accept it. I think not! I’m going stir crazy right now, I know its the last days, but, I need strengthen right now. I think I have loved and honoured my husband as the Bible teaches, the audacity you have to say for women to this is beyond belief, we know men are wired differently, but it also says in the Bible to have control over your life.
My husband felt loved. I had no idea about his porn use until our second year of marriage during my second pregnancy (at his insistence) when he brought home porn videos on group anal sex and wanted me to try it. I was a virgin when we met and that was very important to him. I had no sexual experience and I had high morals. He led me and my family to believe he was also. He wanted to get married within a few months and I only found out who he truly was years into our marriage. He was a sex addict, a compulsive liar, still having sex with his ex who was married to his good friend while he was dating me and after we got married, he has slept with most of his friends’ wives, and he was into anal sex, cyber sex and hookers. He took out credit cards and maxed them out without my knowledge throughout our marriage, abondoned me and the kids for months and years at a time, left me to die when I had a medical emergency and he refused to call 911 or take me to the er, and when I survived and in the hospital, fighting for my life as a young mother of two, he was having online affairs at home with these paid women, I found their naked pictures later. My kids would always find his porn, sometimes gay porn, with men with extremely huge p… in their mouths etc. so so distrusting and scarring videos would pop up as the kids sat on the family computer. Then he would beat them up to stop them from telling me. Also, everyone in my hometown and his said I was way too pretty for him and even today, people think I am his daughter, no one can believe us to be a couple because I was a beautiful girl then and I am still a very pretty woman and he is very obese and a physically ugly man. I fell in love with him for who I thought he was cause he fooled me as I was young and had no experience with man. I was head over heals in love and people who knew him told me I was too good for him looks wise and he was older so I found that attractive too. but
I would not listen to anyone who called him ugly or not good enough. And for years I kept making excuses for him, thinking maybe I wasn’t slutty enough, maybe I should open up my mind and have theeesomes and anal sex like he says, because he told me having sex with me otherwise is not fun, cause he wants orgies and threesomes and anal and he wants me to perform. I got huge breast implants. I am already a beautiful blond, so I looked like a porn star, but he still refused to touch me or my breasts. He could not get an erection and no matter what, after he got it, he couldn’t get off, he couldn’t have sec with a live woman, he had to do it on screen. He went from porn to paid memberships with paid hookups and he would have cybersexwith random women. He would sometimes shave himself completely and prepare for his partner. I was paying for his monthly memberships without my knowledge. I would always catch him though. Now tell me what I did wrong, if I did not love him enough, or if I wasn’t pretty enough, if I didn’t look like the images on the screen? I did all of those. Men hit on me anytime we went out together cause they would think I was his daughter and not take him seriously as my husband. It was so sad for all these men staring at me but my own husband wouldn’t even touch me for years. I had my breast implants taken out cause I didn’t want them anymore, since I had them put in for him and he never even cared, all he wanted was women on the screen. This man abondened our child when he almost lost his life, and he miraculously survived, he took off on his own child at this time for months and never called,never texted, never came home. Sometimes sociopaths pick really sweet good people. They pick undamaged, innocent people. That is why he picked me. That is why I ended up with him. Not because I didn’t love him enough. By the way, I skipped the parts where he slept with actual women when I was home with our babies wondering where he was over the whole weekend, he would be in bed with a woman he worked with all weekend, one of the many affairs he has had, but those were when he was younger, as the porn use got heavier, he couldn’t get off with actual women anymore, it would have to be group sex, perverted stuff and on screen porn stars and hookers. So tell me how would you have prevented this if you were me?
Hi Janet,
Thank you for speaking up. None of us are ever, ever responsible for the behaviors of another person. EVER. The person who makes those choices is responsible.
I am sorry for the terrible sexual and emotional abuse you have suffered in this relationship. It sounds like your children have suffered physical and emotional abuse in this situation as well. I hope you know that at Covenant Eyes, we respect you as a precious, valuable, autonomous human being with the right and responsibility to make healthy choices for yourself and your children.
We do not condone abuse in any form, nor do we believe that women are required to stay in abusive relationships.
You are not required to stay with an abusive person. Here, here, and here are some articles on healthy boundaries.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children. You can’t prevent or control his behavior. You can only make healthy choices for yourself.
Peace to you,
Kay
So wrong. I have always in our 19 years married been the one with a high sex drive. Every marriage has ups and downs but porn is even in Christian marriages. pastors suffer from porn addiction. Many women have blinded themselves to what their husbands do in private. I didn’t have a troubled marriage, we love one another deeply and more each day we are blessed to have. Yet my husband has a porn aSabddiction and we are working through it. All fall but we can be there to help them back up. Blinding oneself doesn’t better a marriage. Facing truth helps couples grow.
Tom you really do not know what your talking about and your answer is bullshit. I loved my husband i worshiped the ground he walked on he went to prison not only once but twice i stuck by him worked 2 jobs payong the bills raising the kids all on my own and it was never enough for him . He always put his daddy above us well he put his whole family above his wife and children. I know now it was my fault that it continued to be that way. nor was his father ever happy i have been through hell with this man you have no clue i been walked on and shit on his daddy and the local sheriff we in on a plan to send me to jail possibly prison. The save wqas by a phone call made by my husband that had butt dialed me and the whole converstaion was ion that voicemail. so no you can love a sorry ass maqn all you wont there are some that are not meant and dop not deserve to be loved. But here i am still trying to love that bastard and nothing has changed. Only difference is now he wants to talk to other women and im supposed to be ok with it.
Hi Tom.
Saying that porn is a sign of a troubled relationship is misguided. It’s like saying that alcoholics drink because there aren’t enough tasty soft drinks in the fridge at home. About 90% of married men use porn to get off on a regular basis. Do all of these men have bad wives?
Men need to take responsibility for their own habits and not compound the problem by manipulating their wives into making them feel responsible. If you can’t control yourself, own it. Be honest with yourself and her, instead of messing with her head through gaslighting. Be a real man
Thanks, Maggie.
Porn is a sign of a man making choices to view porn. That’s it.
Thanks for seeing the gaslighting and calling it out.
No your wrong. I did nothing to cause my husband to sin. I do not expect or even want any of the things you describe, in fact my husband is the one with the desire for “things”.
Pornography is often lied about prior to marriage, made light of, or completely ignored. My husband lied to me about his “love affair” with porn. He used it compulsively before marriage and despite having a young wife who wanted only him he continued to use it after to this day. He hides it, lies about it, refusing to admit it, and refuses to get help. Instead he has come up with the idea that I should allow him to make porn or myself so that he can use porn and not be cheating. I am so tired of all the lies and nonsense, which is what this all is. I have tried to be understanding, tried to support him, he just doesn’t want a healthy marriage relationship. That is his choice.
Sarah, I am so glad you are able to see the truth of what’s going on here. Those who violate their own personal values with porn use will often use gaslighting as a method of self-defense: they twist reality in order to blame their spouse, rather than taking responsibility for themselves. I’m glad you can see the truth. Thanks for telling the truth here! Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose a healthy and whole life. I’m so glad you know that! Kay
Really!! You’re blaming the wives? Wow.
Married my friend of 32 yrs and its been 9yrs as a couple. Even tho my husband is loved, desired sexually EVERY day,.and honestly spoiled more than any man or person I know. I put him number one priorty and treated like a king. I am loyal, honest, over board on showering him with love and affection, and gets anything he wants in bed except a threesome(I dont share). For the past 3 yrs (that I am sure of) he is cheating on me with porn EVERYDAY and lies to hide it from me(like I am stupid and will believe him). In fact, he matches all 10 signs stated above. ED has been an issue now for 3 yrs (but has no problem with that when he’s alone with his phone). He has denied any issues and gets very angry when I even mention it. He has now chosen porn over his wife and told me he doesnt love me anymore. I had to leave him for the first time ever. His addiction. was NOT a result of no love at home, so try again buddy.
Thanks Kolleen. I’m so sorry for your pain, and your experience reflects the experience of so many women: regardless of what you do, your husband will make his own choices. This is the reality: we are each responsible for ourselves. We can’t control others. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. I’m glad that you were able to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some good articles on boundaries as you continue to take responsibility for yourself.
Peace,
Kay
so what do you do stay or leave !
Tom, a lot of men have something known as porn addiction or are hypersexual. The difference between an “average” man and a porn addict/hypersexual, is that the men in the latter category have issues in which porn and sexual fantasies are interfering with their lives in a negative way; they’re out of control with their actions and behaviors regarding porn and sex. These men start out with vanilla porn, then harder stuff and soon spiral out of control. Before they know it, they find themselves voluntarily viewing violent porn, child porn, porn that they are not naturally attracted to but watch anyway just to get the next high and feel horrible after viewing it… etc. As you can imagine, this wreaks havoc on the human psyche, for the man, but especially for his wife when she finds out about how deep that rabit hole goes and succums to Betrayal Trauma Related PTSD as a result of her husband’s addiction. Also. The average man, who thinks he’s “normal” by looking at porn, is sadly mistaken. It doesn’t take much for a man to actually have chemical changes and patterns in their brains due to use of pornography. These men need help and need support.. they don’t need to be excused by someone who is either in denial of his own behaviors, or who is completely in the dark about the realities of porn addiction and the concequeces of the mental health issues that surround it.
Thank you for speaking up. There are so many ways that defense mechanisms like denial come into play when someone violates their own values during porn use.
Pornography addiction is NEVER the fault of the offended spouse. I have counseled women and heard many horror stories of depths that pornography addiction can take a man or woman. We sin because of the fallen nature in each one of us, so the love and honor from won’t “fix” a mans addiction. Only the love of Christ and man’s complete abandonment to his sin will fix it. Please do not further abuse women with your careless words.
This is not a correct mindset to have as it relates to a man choosing to engage in sexual perversion by way of porn…your comments blame the wife for a man’s choice to sin.
James 1:14 tells us that each person is tempted by sin because of their OWN evil desires and lusts NOT because of their wife or failed relationship.
A man who does porn, does not feel convicted by the Holy Spirit and then justifies his porn use or blames his wife for his choice to engage in sexual perversion is deceived by the enemy and has a moral defect that he needs to go to God to help him…Only God can help a porn addict and nobody else….now people ( including wife) can PRAY for him and ENCOURAGE him but she cannot help him in his choice to sin. The man bears full responsibility as to his sinful choices.
If a wife bears some of the responsibility for a husband’s choice to engage in porn then who bears responsibly for a SINGLE man engaging in porn? Is it because of his failed relationships of those he dates? Is it because a single doesn’t ” feel love” by his girlfriend? How does a Christian single man stay sexually pure ? What is His Excuse if he does choose to engage in porn? Who fault it it then? What are his options in who to blame? Your not going to be able to answer this because the answer is the fault is his own…
Regarding porn in marriage, Christian wives have been lied to and deceived by the enemy into thinking that their husband chooses porn because she is not “taking care of her husband sexually ” this is wrong teaching and is emotionally abusive to even say to a wife…she is already devastated that her husband is engaging in perverted sexual activity and then the weight of being told its somehow their fault is wrong and not biblical….a man chooses porn because of Sin and not because he doesn’t “feel loved” by his wife. Sometimes in marriage you won’t ” feel loved” but that is not a license to destroy your marriage and engage in porn. If that’s the case, a wife is never safe in her marriage because if you have a rough patch in your marriage and a husband doesn’t “feel love” and there are relationship issues, the wife is at risk for her husband to engage in perverted sexual
activity and do porn…
Porn is Demonic, Perverted and a serious SIN issue (and adultery if married
and fornication if single) and men need to stop blaming others by taking responsibility for their free will and choice to sin and ask God to forgive them, fall in love with JESUS and let Jesus be your first love so God can heal, forgive and cleanse.
The answer to overcoming your Porn addiction is JESUS and a failed relationship or “not feeling love” has Zero to do with a man’s choice to commit adultery by engaging in sexual perversion called porn.
Um, no….a man who is deeply entrenched in porn use is an addict..the dopamine high controls his behaviour. I have been the most loyal and loving, caring spouse…i cannot change my husband’s heart or affinity for other women. Only God can change the heart and He did not create evil. Porn is evil and it is Satanic and only the Spirit and hard work can bring the joy and love a marriage needs to survive this tragedy. I pray and will always love my husband, but this addiction is not my fault.
I haven’t met a woman who doesn’t question her own decision to have gotten married because of the unrealistic expectations and control put over them by their husbands, and the emotional neglect, meanness, lusting after other women.
Porn is a symptom of an addict who won’t take responsibility for his own choices, has never grown up, and continues to blame other people for his decisions. I know several women who married men who lied to them about porn addictions they had had for years—years before they ever met those wives they lied to. How can it be their wives and failing relationship’s fault when the men were addicted before they even met their wives? I’m not saying their wives are perfect, but an addiction is never the fault of another person.
Interesting, that contrary to your sophomoric analysis (and even more sophomoric spelling and grammar) men who are loved DO “dare” to look at porn. It is a destructive and wife deprecating practice that erodes a husband’s attraction to, sensitivity to and for his wife. Yours is a pretty typical justification for married men’s use of porn.
See that’s where you are wrong… My husband was a porn addict before I even met him. I thought the same then at the beginning if I was the perfect wife according to the Bible showed him all the love he desired he wouldn’t have that problem. And I did, I did everything. I submitted myself to him in everything, I tried to please him in every aspect of our marriage and I never refused or rejected him sex. I even tried fulfill his every fantasy. But to no avail his addiction continued and I was left feeling inadequate, degraded and with no self esteem. Mind you he was happy with our marriage and said he loved me but I became miserable and asked God to end my life.
I’m so, so sorry for the harm you’ve suffered. I wonder if you’ve found the online resources at Bloom for Women? They are trauma-informed and so many women find them extremely helpful.
The husband is 100% responsible for his choices. Don’t you DARE blame his wife.
In my case it is 100% my husbands fault he uses porn. I give him EVERY bit if love & attention a woman can give. He always comes first. If I make 1 single mistake I get “punished.” Punishment is either locking up in the bathroom with his phone & lotion(then denying it) &/or silent treatment with zero explination. He decides when we have sex not me. Never me. I try to initiate & every single time im shut down unless he gets only what he wants,no reciprocation. Then he will refuse to ever be truthful about it.the problem with porn use, is that men refuse to admit they hurt their wives by intentionally making the conscious decision to remove their perfectly already hot wife, & replace her with porn. That is not acceptable. For men or women to deliberately block out your spouse so you can virtually cheat without a conscience is despicable & distasteful. Don’t commit to marriage if u know u can’t stop idealizing women through porn or other manners. Women are not born to be sex slaves & we have emotions & feelings & sexual needs/desires too that should be equally recognized by men. If u want your wife to look like a porn star when y’all get jiggy with it, talk to her, maybe shes into kinky stuff, but you’ll never know if you keep shutting her out in order to look at women you don’t have. Every time she gets shut out, u pick out a piece of her heart that she entrusted u with. If porn was taken from existence, ppl would have no choice but to explore their spouses in ways porn doesn’t do because its not reality. The reality now is, married couples using porn, eventually start comparing their spouses to what they watch, & it hurts both people in the end because the spouse is not a porn star like u wish, & she feels like shit since she can never meet those standards. How many men enjoy sex, when they know their wives are day dreaming of the man they were watching yesterday with an 8in dick & ripped muscles? Thats how wives feel when they know their husband was tugging it to some DD’s (the only thing I differ from with a porn stars body). They lie about it b/c they know its hurtful, but they would rather lie to spare themselves the explination, not b/c they give a shit about what they’ve done to hurt another person intentionally & deliberately. Get real, men use porn b/c their insecure. Point blank period. Insecurities come in many forms, but its not cool to reject your wife,yet use porn. Maybe if people would really actively try to put themselves in their partners shoes (like legit try to feel what they feel) they would realize the damage they cause & set their precious pride aside & make things right. Crawl out of your own butt & realize it takes 2 for a marriage & if u only want yourself & your hand & women u will never touch, stay away from marriage. Because marriage has a vow of sexual exclusivity & if one can’t handle that 1 sexual partner to look at & explore, than marriage isn’t for u. Not all women were created naturally growing up to look like porn stars. Men come in different shapes & sizes too & if you & your spouse accepted eachothers minds & bodies & decided on marriage, don’t betray your partner by not accepting those parts just b/c your insecure. Talk to your spouse about your desires& kinky shit u want. You’d be surprised to know that women WANT their men to say & do (with them) the things they want. Sex is better when u stop comparing & being insecure & selfish.Maybe trust that your spouse wants hot sex too. Or maybe your spouse wants to be what I look at when I spank it. Maybe she likes to watch. Selfishness & insecurities damage relationships when u project that shit on your spouse. So no. Its not ALWAYS both partners faults. 99% of the time, its just ONE person making the conscious decision to leave their spouse out only to replace them with….NOT THEM. Don’t blame others for your own lacknof self discipline & self control. Sex is better when ppm are HONEST with EACHOTHER.
It is always, always the responsibility of the person who makes the choice. The inability to take responsibility for our own choices is one of the baseline behaviors of emotionally immature and abusive people. Thanks for speaking up and pointing this out.
I would say that the situation you describe in your marriage is emotional and sexual abuse. I hope you’ll set the boundaries that you need in order to be safe from this kind of abuse. Here, here and here are some articles that might help. I think that the ongoing cycle of abuse through pornography will only end when as individual women, we set boundaries and are willing to leave relationships that abuse us in this way. Not only do we set ourselves free when we do this, but we empower those around us to be strong in their boundaries and we demonstrate to the next generation that this kind of abuse is unacceptable.
I think you would appreciate the support you’ll find at Bloom for Women as well.
Peace to you,
Kay
He had a problem BEFORE we got married… my trying to show him love without reciprocity on his part, and my trying to “help” where my hands don’t belong is what has me falling apart at the seams..
The best thing I can do is cling to God, and let GOD deal with him.
It’s between him and God ONLY and has absolutely NOTHING TO DO with my as a wife, or any of these men’s wives.
Keep your heads up ladies and don’t quit praying or cleaving to GOD.
Cleve to GOD more than you do your husband and you will remain strong and at peace in your minds.
With that; the more you will understand it has nothing to do with you, the more you’ll hold onto your self esteem etc.
You are confused. Porn addiction is like any other addiction. The brain gets flooded with dopamine. Then the real world is not stimulating enough. So they go back for more and more, and eventually it rules their life. They are always seeking their next high.Then they become so disconnected that they neglect their partner, and eventually cannot function in the real world. Ironically, the world that they’re trying to escape does go away when they lose their wife, their job, their self-esteem.
“Not feel loved”
Are you a sex/porn addict or the betrayed wife?
I’d guess the first, your reply is cold hearted and mean and tears at the very core of a woman traumatized by her husband’s sexual addictions.