Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
I also struggle with SSA and I want a breakthrough . ❤ Julian
Julian, Check out the website livehope.org. It is a part of Living Hope Ministries in Arlington, Tx. I have found it very helpful in my struggle. Also Celebrate Recovery is a great program. Go to Celebrate Recovery. org to find a group near you.
Awesome and 100% true insight. Thanks.
I dont really have people in my social circle that I can talk to, so my struggle continues. It would be nice if Covenant Eyes would help with a support group system for others to talk to through their program. I feel like your story, except that I cannot reach out in the way you can. Thank you for your post. It was the first one I have responded to.
-Steven
Hi Steven!
Thank you for reaching out! Although we do not offer our own support group tool, I do want to recommend a group that the author of this blog post (Noah) offers! Check out Beyond the Battle and consider joining an upcoming group!
Above all, be strong in prayer! Keep fighting against porn. I am praying that you will be able to find a group of supporters to walk alongside you.
Blessings,
Moriah
I have saw the history in my husband’s phone and pornhub is up there. I believe he has been watching it and yes, it bothers me. But he won’t admit to watching it. We still have sex and the sex is still as good as it always has been but I’m getting frustrated because he just won’t admit to watching it. The fact that he don’t even clear out the history, well did he want to get caught or does he just not care.
After reading several of these stories it made me realize that I am not alone. It is also very concerning to me because it seems as though most of these situations do not end well or do not become resolved at all. My husband and I have been together 5 years and married for three. I never withheld sex, I am loving, caring and attentive to his needs. I am the one with the high sex drive. He says he just doesn’t think about sex very much he’s always worried about work which I understand. He has a very demanding job. I have on more than one occasion checked the history on his phone and I noticed that he looks at porn fairly often, sometimes right after he leaves the house on his way to work. Occasionally looking at porn on his lunch break ( which he is in construction, so that means sitting in his truck in a McDonald’s parking lot or in some other random place ) which that does not make sense to me if he is not thinking about sex very often then why would he be looking at porn? I never made a big deal about it never even said anything to him. He would come home and complain about his phone being out of data, and I would laugh and think to myself ” that is your own problem and not mine to worry about ” one day he asked to use my phone to look up farm equipment for sale I didn’t think anything of it I let him use my phone and I went to take a shower. We continued with our day. Later on my curiosity got the best of me and I wondered what had he really been doing on my phone. I checked the history. Yep, porn. I was mad. I went and put a porn blocking app on my phone. No way was I going to let him look that stuff up on my phone. As time goes by, we rarely have sex. Only when he feels like it. And it isn’t even that great. Its like two minutes at the most and generally only he gets off. He thinks I can become aroused on a whim and then actually have an orgasm. Um, no. Fast forward to a few months ago. He drops his phone at work and it wouldn’t make calls anymore. He comes home complaining about it. I offer to let him use mine, and I’ll take his. I don’t make many calls anyway. After the fact, I realize now he can’t look up porn anymore. I sign into my google account on the “new” phone to check email. I realize both phones are signed in to my Google account. Google knows everything, and remembers everything. I realize that I can check my Google activity and see what both phones are doing at anytime throughout the day. I see that he looked up porn. I know it is not capable of showing anything because it is blocked. Of course he is not going to come home and tell me that he tried looking up porn and it wouldn’t work. So he started looking up YOGA on YouTube. Next best thing I guess?? How desperate must you be to look at girls in yoga workout clothes doing stretches but you tell me you hardly even think about sex. Hmm. I confronted him about our lack of a sex life, asking if he was mad at me, he says no and asks why..I told him because it had been over a month since we had sex so I thought I must have upset him in some way. He says he’s just worried about work and doesn’t think about sex that much. I’ve tried sending him naughty pics. He doesn’t really respond or say anything at all. I have to ask him if he liked the pics and he just says yes. I’ve tried lingerie. He looks at me the same way when I wear sweat pants. It blows my mind. He’s good to me otherwise. Not much of a romantic but then again he never was. I have gained a few lbs over the years and I literally mean like 10 lbs. He still acts like he did before I gained the weight. I’m not sure what to say or do. I’ve talked to friends of mine they say he’s probably just too lazy to have sex. Maybe that’s true. Yesterday he came home from work and says His phone mysteriously did a factory reset all by itself. I’m sure his history is full of porn, just from the last few days. I have not checked. I already know what I’ll find. I’m concerned about myself because this has done a number on my self esteem. I’m not ugly. I have never had a problem getting men to notice me. Even now. But I don’t care about them. I’d like my husbands attention I just don’t know how to get it. Should I be concerned or am I over reacting?
I’m checking this out this site as this morning I was faced again with my concern, my wishful thinking that his secret porn won’t be a problem going forward, or maybe it’s harmless… yet I’ve read, heard it is serious.
Should I stop now.. not marry this man with his secret, which I’ve happened upon, but he would deny or become livid if asked.
He was up earlier than usual this morning, and always has morning time alone it seems, either in the bathroom with tablet or on computer at table. Or phone with who knows who.
This morning I went downstairs, which don’t usually do at that hour, and he was at computer with shorts and tablet held oddly in lap. Wasn’t that happy to see me which would be other times — think I interrupted his ritual, he seemed uncomfortable. This has become a routine, him up hours prior to me, and more so past 3 weeks, and also we’ve not had sex for almost 3 weeks. He doesn’t express interest, I must initiate.
When he left suddenly to get dressed for work (He jumped up and almost bolted upstairs), I noticed computer hadn’t shut down. He was acting odd and I’ve known about his secret, so wondered if this explained his behavior and it did. He was transferring some female titled file to a hard drive (he has 3 attached to computer –definitely hiding alot), but the computer was on hold, he thought it had finished transfer ;(
He hides it = #1 concern = a secret = affects our relationship/me/him in many ways.
He has so many of the behaviors I’ve briefly seen scanning the comments-
Decrease in sex, secret time alone in the bathroom, always up before others at his computer/devices, has many downloads on his devices of porn (has accidentally left them open so how I know), otherwise devices always locked, on occasion forgets or doesn’t realize didn’t shut down, I walk by, appalled, hurt, feel deceived, feel like not enough — but I know this is him, he has a problem. I don’t want his problem, like other addictions they worsen — correct? Asking all of you that thought it wouldn’t interfere with your relationship…?
Who is this man that acts like he loves me, wants to be married, but why, why marry someone/me, I wonder? Does he think I’m ok with lack of sex, am I the fake GF or wife? On numerous occasions before knowing about the porn, have asked if he’s not attracted to me, etc..given his lack of sexual or even touching as we used to do. Gives some physical excuse or he has to sleep…
I talked with him about my own needs/wants and he said I need to make it happen, need to initiate, help him be interested. Not the person I met. But I didn’t know he was already involved in this type of stimulation, often with other women behind my back.
All the signs and more, now better understanding why he doesn’t have much money? How much to buy all these files, or is he stealing them? This is an addiction, not drugs or alcohol but he comes from family with those issues. Has managed to avoid those addictions, yet has others. I thought was a caring person many years ago when we met. Over the years, seems changed, becomes distant, had secret affairs he denies with Many women, seen the temper escalation, short fuse over ridiculous things, has been angry and violent in past, throws things, then calm for many months or even only a few outbursts in a year. Yet I know even that is not ok.
I am afraid to marry this person because of his secrets, denial, lies and dishonesty which I know about but he thinks is covering up so well. Then he acts great again and I think he’s over the secrets, porn, outbursts and then it’s back maybe for only a night or day. But the porn has never stopped, seems getting worse from his patterns.
Should I ask about it, or I’m thinking just run. He will deny, lie, get angry.. Porn is a secret, his secret, and it does feel like he’s cheating on me in yet another way. Knowing about this makes me not want to have sex with him — is he using me while visualizing one of his porn scenarios, is he actually With me? So hurtful, feels like such a Lie.
Maybe it keeps him from cheating again with a real person? Is that a justification they use?
But it doesn’t matter if real or virtual, I become not real, he’s not with only me intimately, and I can’t be all the many women and whatever it is he needs from fake vs real.
This isn’t my fault, or us having a pressured relationship. He’s controlling everything the way he wants it to be. The secret/lies are proof of that.
I didn’t know about his porn, or the women he was cheating on me with, when he said were exclusive — later found out because left devices open. Oh yes,.. more… he’s also been on dating sites while living together and just recently. When asked about it, he said was an old account — totally lie because the location showed up as current. Said I’m the only one, he’s not With anyone else, I was clear having internet relationships are With someone else, all he does is say what he thinks I want to hear.
Asking him for the truth is asking for a lie. I just really want the truth so I can SEE the Real him. That’s fair. He hides all of this, why, to keep me?
There’s so much more that I realized today writing this — for everyone to be aware of, maybe it’s not only Porn — More!
He saves conversations, pictures of women he’s been with, nude pics of them, has their names and phone numbers in his devices, says just friends — yet they are all single, and our long term relationship is a secret to them.
He knows women in so many states, have seen in messages says single and no sex for 2 years, all while living together during that time, have seen exchanged nude pictures, keeps Files on women from the past, likes and loves other women’s pictures on social media but not mine, hides our relationship.
Is he going to stop all of this when we are married next week or in a month?
Also, He has those 3D googles, which I believe watch/participate in Porn on that? He drops “easter eggs” sometimes saying someone told him can have virtual sex 3D on these things! So those googles have been out a lot more lately and at his computer today. ;(
As writing this, realize it isn’t only Porn for this man, or are all of these behaviors extensions of P addiction? His problem extends across so many areas and boundaries. All comes back to a person I can never feel Real with because he isn’t Real. He’s in a fantasy world, and I don’t know which is the real him, and it may seem so obvious and so easy to break it off from reading this, but remember it’s a well kept secret he hid from me the first 4 years, then found out little bits at a time once we lived together. And he acts so different outwardly/socially appropriate, says all the right things, states values, etc…EXCEPT in those irritable escalation times — then very nasty for a short time.
So sad because I do love the nice part of him, unfortunately he’s a package, and the other part is a secret, and I don’t know which part is the Real him or the majority .. So scary because it’s probably the part that isn’t good…
On getting married, which even this morning he talked about (why? I don’t get it) —
Think I’ve been fantasizing we’d talk, he would be honest, admit Any of this — then there would be hope, maybe I could get through it..beyond it, lalalala … but, if that were the case, if had a conscience, he would have already and wouldn’t be here, correct?
It weighs on me every time an inkling of it services, I am never 100% relaxed or confident in our relationship, feel as many times he is SO loving and would never do anything to hurt me, equally feel he could be 180 degrees in a second and walk away without a problem.
He loves his devices and always on one, but maybe the porn and social media attention is why. We are not We, we are him and his problem. And I am actually left alone with a partial person that isn’t really there for me, and has a connection problem.
I just read “R” situation from Jan 2019 — so much she said I have experienced and relate to.
I get how hard it is to make the break especially if married. I have the choice to get out, or in deeper (if I’m being real — is this anything that can get better?)
Kay — please give me your feedback. I feel that I need to run from this man, it’s so confusing because we have good times, are comfortable, it feels like he loves me and cares, says the right things… then I see the Proof, which I want to see, as R does also. Why is it so difficult?
I’m so sorry, Kelly. What a painful and difficult reality to be faced with. I think you’ve got to trust yourself. You know the truth of what’s going on here. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years of working with women in abusive relationships: if they abused you 100% of the time, of course you would leave. There has to be a period of good behavior to keep you engaged in the relationship.
Of course “nobody is perfect”, they’ll always say. We’re not asking for perfection, though. We’re asking for personal responsibility and a commitment to follow through on the vows you’d make in a marriage. We need partners who will, in good faith, work on their own issues. We need partners who care about how we feel, partners who will build emotional trust by turning toward us, rather than ignoring us or, worse yet, gaslighting us when their behaviors are discovered.
It’s hard to give up on the dream of what a person could be, what a relationship could be. But it’s way harder to deal with persistent addiction over years and years and years.
I would encourage you to find a therapist who can help support you through this with good boundaries (here, here, and here are some articles). You’ll probably also appreciate the online resources and support at Bloom for Women.
I think you know what the situation is here. Trust yourself.
Peace to you,
Kay
after 25 years of battling this with my husband..i am leaving…not divorcing but separating..I am damaged and traumatized by what I have seen. The lies, gaslighting and mockery are horrible…His anger has become unbearable…I stayed too long and have lost so much….heartbroken..
All the while he leads Mens Bible studies and plays on the worship team. His perfect image and reputation are more important. He lies to the counsellor and to the pastor saying he has dealt with it and it was just a small problem…that is a joke…5 hours a night is a big problem…I am done..
Wow. I read the first 10 or so responses and to be honest. Its extremely one sided. Before everyone harps on me lets give a little insight. Ive been with my wife for 13 yrs. Married for 5. As we have aged questions have come up of fantasies and such. At first Ill admit I didnt want to talk to my wife about “fantasies”. Its a male thing. We like to hold things in or fear scrutiny. Admit it. If a man does not act how you Invision them then we are screwed. And not the fun marital way. In my situation my wife is an alcoholic. She was before we got married. I didn’t see the signs early enough but I vowed to be by her side. She has her ups and downs just like our sex life. But some nights we are on the same page then she chooses alcohol over our relationship. Then I turn to porn. Each couples situations are different, anyone who says that they are identical to anothers is leaving out honest information. Obviously if the relationship turns violent and or physical then get out and call the authorities. But if your not listening to your husband as much as he’s trying to listen to you…..then the blame is where you don’t want to admit. My main point is before anything gets drastic because you believe he has a porn addiction. Seek counseling. It helped my wife and I with our communication. You may be missing his cries for help…
God bless and have a good day
When i married my husband of almost 3 years now, there were things from his past he didn’t tell me about, things that would have changed my mind about marrying him. He was however honest with me about struggling with lust of the flesh(we are both Christians) i assumed from what he said that meant being tempted to looking at other women. I told him that porn was a problem in my previous marriage, he assured me that porn was not an issue of his at all. I trusted that. I was helping him look something up on his phone, he is not smart phone savvy, as O was typing in what i needed to look for, some history popped up, that is porn related, i was shocked but didn’t say anything. Knowing his nature, I’m almost positive I won’t get an honest answer, I’m scared to even confront him about it.
When you’re ready, consider your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles to help get you started. A therapist for yourself would be helpful, and the online resources at Bloom for Women are excellent. No matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Peace, Kay
I have been reading most of the post and I don’t know what to think. It’s like reading my own story just in someone else’s life. I’ve been married for 20 plus years, and the first 2 years I caught him watching p***and then he said he wouldn’t do it again. I knew he was, but we had two small children life is busy, and I became ill…. But once better things return to normal and our sex life was fine I thought. But I caught him one night watching p***right after we had sex. This blew my mind! What was he doing? What was he thinking? It made me feel like nothing. I confronted him and his response was would you rather me go all over town? I had no idea that he would even contemplate it. For she apologized again said he would not do it anymore and I believed him… I loved him I still do and I know I knew then that he loved me. Fast forward 2 10 and 12 years ago and all the sudden he had ED… His testosterone levels were low so we took whatever means necessary 2 make things normal again. Once again he was not deprived, when you’ve been married as long as we had you experiment, you both try to spice things up and that didn’t bother me. But now I am 49 he is 46 and he has no interest in sex intimacy or even sometimes conversation with me. I know that he would rather take care of himself and his phone is locked, I have no way to get into it to see what he is doing. But about two weeks ago he had made comments that were very let’s just say he was in the mood… About an hour later he went into the bathroom and masturbated. Of course he didn’t think I would find out and he just started saying he was very tired which is what he says all the time, but he left evidence. It’s gross but there it was. I confronted him he lied I told him he could not lie out of this, it’s right here. I asked him why when he had insinuated sex. His answer, I just wanted to rub one out and I didn’t even think about you, I’m sorry. He does not realize what that one sentence has done. Yes I know he’s watching p***, and no it is not my fault! When you have an addiction to anything deep down you know it’s your problem and you have to fix it. I’m scared that he’s so far into this then I’m not going to be able to take you much longer. I don’t even feel seen or heard most of the time and I have for the last time I asked or initiated sex. And even if we do have sex he’s not present, I don’t know how to find out or how to actually get the proof in my hand because he’s just going to lie about it and after 23 years I’m terrified of this, of p***being the reason that this much of my life and this man that I love is no longer going to be in it…. And for any man out there that says if he felt loved and cherished and taking care of he wouldn’t be watching p***, you’re probably a narcissist…. No I take that back you are a narcissist… Any suggestions any help, any advice on how to find out what he is looking at?
And yes he does have to take something 2 have sex but not to masturbate. I’ve often wondered about that and even asked him his answer was I don’t know anyways very agitated. I’ve learned a lot by reading the article and then reading so many other people’s experiences and I’m glad that I did read it cuz now it shows me that I’m fine oh, he’s the one and yes I’m putting blame on him right now, nobody’s perfect I’m not perfect or marriage has not been perfect but when it comes to looking at p*** and ignoring your wife when she is standing there willing and ready and asking and yes it’s your fault. I am 46, but I’m not hard to look at not being conceited it’s just true. I am no Miss America, but I’m not a piece of nothing that is so unattractive that my own husband cannot even want to touch me..
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I’m so glad you can see the truth of this situation.
I would say, you don’t need to see the evidence on his phone. You know what’s going on, and you know that he’s not willing at this point to do anything different.
The question then becomes: what do you want to do? What is okay with you, and what is not okay with you?
That’s a question about healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles that will help you think about those boundaries.
You might also want to find a therapist who can support you. And there are wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women.
Trust yourself, set your boundaries.
Peace,
Kay
I’m not sure if this comment thread is still open… but I needed some advice.
My husband and I have always had a very loving relationship. We have been married for 6 years now. We are both Christians and over the years while dating and even while married we would talk about the negative effects of porn on a marriage etc.. I was always made to feel like he would never watch porn due to his being so openly vocal about it being bad etc.. for the most part he is a Godly man and has never in 6 years given me a reason to doubt or Mistrust him. We used to be intimate regularly when we first got married, but after the first year life happened and things slowed down understandably. By year 2 I started noticed a lack of interest in sex and every time I initiated I would get shot down with some excuse or another.. days would go by and occasionally he would give in.. by our 4th year I started getting frustrated with our once a month( if I was lucky) by the 5th year I started getting defeated. I had 2 miscarriages in our 5th year of marriage and it put a further strain on our marriage. I resolved to just stop initiating altogether and would just take what I got if I got anything at all. It just so happened we decided to start a family and I got pregnant pretty quick.
Sex now became even less of a priority for him. Fast forward to 7 months into my pregnancy.. I had been exhausted several days in a row and so I would take a nap every afternoon or sleep in some mornings. On one particular afternoon he tucked me into bed and told me get some rest while he was going to get some work done. I woke up a few hours later and walked in the other room only to see him quickly close out a screen. I was highly suspicious but I decided to wait and see if I could catch him in a day or two. I pretended to see nothing and we continued on with our day. Two days later, I hadn’t slept all night and took a mid morning nap because I was exhausted, when I woke I crept into the next room and again he got startled by my presence and he closed out the screen. I walked over to him and asked if he was hungry, and that I would fix us some lunch and he proceeded to talk about lunch plans while rubbing and kissing my pregnant belly. As we got up to head to the kitchen I leaned over him and grabbed his mouse to open his web browsers and he tensed up trying to get me away from the mouse. He finally grabbed my hand and turned me to face him and he admitted he had been watching porn.
I literally felt my entire world around me collapse. This man whom I loved so dearly had taken advantage of loyalty and trusting nature. I had never felt betrayal, disappointment, sadness and loneliness all at once like that before. He promised me he had only watched it two days. It wasn’t an addiction he swore. I left the house defeated not knowing what I was going to do, how could I ever believe another word of his. How could I trust him to be a strong leader for me and my unborn child when he had lied to my face and tried to hide it. After several hours of trying to collect my composure I sat down with him and asked him why. He claimed he has low testosterone and it affects his ability to get in the mood, so he tried to look at porn to see if it was going to do anything for him. I took his word at face value. But I’m not entirely sure I believe him. I have trust issues and it took me a really long time to break my walls down to let him in. I told him to fix his mistake he needed to get an accountability partner, we needed counseling, and he needed to see a dr for his low T issues and that we needed to communicate better about what we were going through so we didn’t have to go through this alone. I explained how demoralizing it was for me to always feel like I was throwing myself at him only to be rejected for the last several years and to always feel like he didn’t want to peruse me. I am 10 years younger than he is, physically attractive woman. I just felt so betrayed and hurt that it was easier for him to turn to porn than to communicate with me. It’s been 2 months since this all happened but he’s not made any changes or moves to rectify the problem. We just don’t talk about it anymore. I just don’t know what to do. It won’t be long before our little one is born and that just adds more excuses not to deal with the issues. I had spoken to him last month about following through on what we discussed and he agreed but still nothing. I’m just incredibly frustrated and feel like I have done all I can do on my end to forgive him but I need for him to take some initiative too.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I want to recommend this article in hopes of continual healing from what you have experienced. https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/09/29/healing-from-betrayal-trauma/