Is your husband addicted to porn? If you know—or suspect—he is watching porn, how can you tell if it’s an occasional past-time or a full-on addiction? It can be traumatizing to find out that your husband is entrenched in this habit—and deeply confusing as well. Someone addicted to porn may genuinely desire to quit but feel unable to break free. Here’s some information to help you better understand if your husband is addicted to porn.
So, Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?
Discovering that your husband watches porn can be very painful for wives. But understanding the situation can help you address it. Not everyone who watches porn is addicted to it. While men (and women too) may watch porn for many reasons, a few characteristics usually distinguish an addiction.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Porn
If he’s struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for online material or even physical items (like DVDs). Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
Next Steps to Take if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husbands are watching pornography. If you believe your husband has a porn addiction, what can you do? Here are some important next steps to take, for your own benefit as well as your husband’s.
1. Remember that his addiction is not about you.
When a husband is caught in pornography addiction, he will often lash out and blame his wife for his behavior. However, he is not addicted to porn because of something wrong with you. It is simply not true that if you looked different or acted differently during sex that he would not struggle with porn. A porn addiction means that he’s been conditioned to prefer that to real sex.
2. Get help and support for yourself.
Regardless of whether your husband is seeking help for his recovery, you need to make sure you seek help and support for yourself. Find other women who can come alongside you and provide encouragement and community.
3. Establish boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
4. Learn more.
We have more free resources available, both for you and for your husband as starts the recovery journey.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been addicted to porn but in my recent relationship tried very hard to avoid it completely. I must it’s been unbelievably difficult at times. I must have been watching porn from an early age and it has hindered my ability to perform and engage with woman on many occasions. The biggest part about porn is the novelty, the endless amount of videos and images of every situation imaginable. It’s possible to be in a relationship with sex 2/3 times a day and I can still crave the novelty porn provides. Reading everyone’s comments has been useful as I have recently relapsed again and it has given me more motivation to stay on track. Being addicted to this novelty can be so damaging to a relationship as I know I love my girlfriend as I honestly felt so happy with her when I was off the porn but when I relapse it feels like the relationship is somehow preventing me from fulfilling fantasies I see on screen.
To those wondering why your husband is looking at weird porn it’s just the novelty once again, it really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something new to watch. Watching so much porn you become desensitised to just regular sex so you search for more novelty until years later when you need the worst kind to get you off.
Hope this explains a few things from a male perspective.
Hi, Daniel – thank you for your honest sharing. This is a form of accountability right here – at least a step in that direction. I truly hope you’re able to find a trusted friend you can speak regularly and openly about your struggles. For me, I couldn’t handle the fight alone. Eventually, I always lost. A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken! (Bible – me, God, trusted friend).
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
Also what in the world is going on with all these comments about your husbands or boyfriends beating you? I’m sorry but any “man” that lays an abusive hand on his wife or girlfriend clearly has very deep seated self esteem issues. Also, as bad and damaging as the porn industry is, it doesn’t make boys into disrespecting men. I grew up watching porn and I turned out to be quite a loving, caring, empath.
When a man who is addicted to porn watches his session or whatever, mass amounts of dopamine are flooding his brain. That amount would normally never enter the brain under normal circumstances with a woman but because you have full access to any fantasy at your fingertips with porn, the brain is given huge doses therefore when that man is with his wife or girlfriend his brain isn’t producing enough dopamine thus not giving him the satisfaction he requires…
You see? It’s a vicious circle… But it is not men who are at complete fault and I believe saying that is misinformation and only hurts the women who are trying to recover from their spouses behaviour.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 yrs. He’s had a porn addiction the whole time. I didn’t find out until I had our youngest daughter. One night she was crying and I woke up and he wasn’t there.. i went to get the baby and he was in the office on the computer. I didn’t say anything but the next day i went through the history of the computer and there it was…teen porn. I kept quiet n logged my findings. I finally got enough nerve to say something n he got very defensive and then it turned into a crying session. He swore I was enough n would quit. Well 2 yrs later about the time to get our oldest a cell phone. I looked at his phone thinking it would be good for her. I was in front of him looking at the apps and I found a teen porn site app. I nutted up and threatened to leave, so once again I gave him another chance. Still to this very day he continues to watch it. Now he just deletes everything to make sure i don’t know. We do have sex regularly, every other day. Im a very freaky person too. Im no barbie doll but im not fat either. He does show me love, and affection but he can’t stop. I don’t know what to do, he says if he goes to counseling they will arrest him. He’s more worried about that than my feelings. Im stuck, I stay at home and he works. I have nothing n he won’t let me work, I believe its because he is scared of me leaving. I don’t know what to do! How do I make it stop, how do I feel safe leaving my girls home, how do I trust, how do I leave… he’s made me dead inside. He knows this is tuff for me giving my oldest was molested by her biological father at 3 yrs old…. I’m truly scared something could happen if he can’t stop eventually looking won’t be enough eventually. Please any advice would be great!
Well, if your husband is trafficking in child pornography, then I’d say you have a very important decision to make. He says he would be arrested. Let me ask you this: does he need to be arrested? Is he putting children in danger? It sounds like you’re afraid to leave your kids with him, so maybe you already know the answers to these questions.
If he is endangering children, then you can go to your local police and tell them what you know. I know that would be horribly difficult and painful, but we are the parents. We are the adults. We can do hard things when those hard things are the right thing. And in the end, there are no “other people’s children.” Any child victimized by child pornography is our child.
It sounds to me like you are a strong, capable person. I know you can do the right thing for your children and for these other children as well.
Peace to you my friend. Kay
I just caught my husband of 16 years masterbating to an online porn video. I forgot something at home and returned unexpectedly and he was on the floor next to my bed masterbating I was devistated. I left immediately and went to work. I text him and told him I didn’t want to see him that night and I would be looking at divorce papers. He said we can work this out I’ll stay away but don’t file the papers. I talked with someone and knew my kids would be devistated and knew that if I worked hard I could try to get through this. I asked him if we could talk and if he would be willing to be open with me about anything I wanted. We met and talked for hours he answered my questions but I just didn’t feel I was getting the whole story. I felt betrayed, humiliated, and ugly. Even so I was so turned on we ended up having the best 60 min sex ever. The next morning I felt so dirty. I mean how could I sleep with someone who has hurt me so bad. Today he forgot his phone and since he told me I had full access I went through it all. There has been at least a year (he told me only a few months) of him looking at these videos. I am really having a hard time now trying to rebuild this. He told me he is willing to stop looking at all of this, see a counselor, and do whatever he needed to do. He told me to quit looking at it and let’s just move forward. I just feel so betrayed I am really having a hard time and I feel so inadaquate around him. I don’t want to make a mistake and think oh now he will just go find someone to look at. I am just now going through my days like a fog trying to hold everything together for my kids.
Hi Jesica.
I’m sorry this is such a tough time for you.
I’m glad, though, that your husband sounds like he wants to work on his issues. I would suggest that he find a Certified Sex Addiction (CSAT) therapist.
Meanwhile, I think you need a counselor just for YOU, to help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Make sure that you get help that is helpful to YOU! So many times I hear from women that their husbands have gotten all the support while the wife has gotten almost no help at all personally for the grief and trauma of such a discovery. Don’t be that story! Take care of YOU!
You might appreciate the website Bloom, which has private forums for women in marriage betrayal recovery, as well as classes you can take and other supportive resources.
Peace to you, Kay
Of course reading this as a constantly rejected husband my hair stands on end and as an argumentative debater I want to take down a lot of the illogical statements like saying that porn usage is a symptom of a poor relationship, not a cause is simply putting blame upon the porn abstainer rather than the porn user, but after simmering, it simply boils down to this:
What do you expect, and where do you place the blame for the misery in the relationship when a husband has put in 10 years of pursuit of perfection and self improvement and being “christlike” unto his abuse and is finally going to turn left at that intersection of temptation he’s so many times turned right at? Its entirely him? If he can’t get over his “porn induced” desires to have sex with enough light to *see color?* and actually SEE his partner naked during sex? (no we’re not talking about threesomes or sex swings, or bondage, or the extreme porn desires so undeservedly asked for from common housewives by porn-consuming men, just some light).
Is anyone here capable of seeing beyond the porn decision to the root of the problem that somehow seems to still exist even if you rewind time to before a husband “strays” into pornography?
I know its just an anecdote, but *I* am not described by these wives who say “he could have had sex with me any time he wanted it”. *I* am the husband who did the “right thing” all the damn time, read self-help books on how to become more attractive, read more articles than you can shake a stick at about how to properly “woo” your wife, followed the advise of “continue to date your wife after marriage”, who completed the “love dare” (google it).
I and I alone am to blame for my decision to view porn. Absent that stupid decision, our marriage is still worthless to me, despite its perfection from every angle except the bedroom. Feeling unwanted and uncared for still sucks no matter how much fancy paint, trim and chrome you put on it.
I place the blame for the misery equally 50/50 on every couple, including my own marriage. My decision to dishonor our marriage is my own, hers is her own. They are equal. Hers preceding mine doesn’t change that or in any way indicate I’m trying to shift the blame to the first sin committed by her as any responsibility for my idiotic actions later on. I’d wager MANY marriages take this form, in which the condition of misery due to both partners’ equal 50/50 failing at their sex life exists before pornography ever enters into the equation.
Hello! Thanks for posting this. I feel like my husband has an unhealthy attachment to porn. He wakes up in the morning and watches it for about an hour before he goes to work. He has flexible hours and has told me in the past he’s going to start going to work earlier so he can get home earlier.. But he never does and when I ask him about it, he tells me he likes to catch up on the news before he goes to work. Once he gets home and we’re spending time together watching tv he’s constantly on his phone. If I glance over, I see that’s he’s watching porn. This morning I woke up because I felt the bed shaking. Sure enough he was masturbating and watching porn while I was sleeping right next to him. He doesn’t know that I know he’s watching it. I’ve had trouble bringing it up because I think he’ll get very defensive. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Hi Jen. Well, I’d say it’s time for a real conversation with your husband about what you have observed.
Think about your boundaries ahead of time, and what you’d like to see instead of the current behavior. Here and here are a couple of articles you might want to read so you can think this through.
You might want to share this article from The Gottman Institute, the foremost experts in marriage in the world.
Your husband will probably need help changing his behavior, his thoughts, and his emotions. A CSAT therapist can be a big help to a guy in his situation. Groups like Pure Desire can also be helpful. He will have a lot of work to do.
Meanwhile, you’ll need help as well. Many women meet the clinical criteria for PTSD in situations like this. Find a counselor just for you who can help you process emotions and have healthy boundaries. You will also benefit from a good group. And you might want to join the online site Bloom, where women are supported through groups, classes, etc. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy!
Peace to you, Kay
Kay,
Thankyou so much, your response and attachments have helped alot!
Thankyou!
Belinda
I’m so glad!! Thanks for letting me know! Kay
Hello, there. I’m a 43 year old women. I have been in a very unhealthy relationship for about 20 years now. I have been with a man who I feel has narsasistic personality disorder. We have two children together a fifteen year old boy and a 10 year old girl. Early in our relationship I knew he would look at my Victoria’s Secret magazines very often and do his business. I tried not to let it bother me. Through the years I have let a lot of his behaviors go, even though it has at times bothered me a great deal. Confronting him with any of his issues only makes him get physical by either throwing things at me, or pushing me. I should have never gotten involved with someone so unhealthy. There are a few more things about him I would like to add. He is incredibly lazy and feels as though he is owed something for continuing to work a job that he does not like, because he has kids and a house, but has no motivation or desire to go and get another one. For the most part I thought he was pretty loyal to me in the early years, when we moved in to our house about 14 years ago we had internet my kids were still very small then. We would keep the computer down in the spare bedroom. I would often find naked pictures of women and at times I would find a porno in the deleted trash. When I asked him about it he said he did not know about the porno’s popping up he said it was probably due to looking up naked pictures of women. This bothered me but I just thought that all guys have to do this, so I accepted it. Some years later we got rid of the internet, I’m not sure why, but just about two or three years ago we got it again after not having it for some years. My boyfriend was able to hookup the internet In the bedroom and move and disconnect the laptop through different rooms in the house, this was new because before it was stuck in the spare bedroom only. He would say that he needed the internet for work e-learning for his mandatory inservices. As time went on I would find him in the bedroom with the door closed asking that no one come in when I knocked. I knew at this point he was doing his business on the computer. Eventually he was starting to loose interest in me sexually. My daughter woke up one night to get a drink of water and said she saw dad at the dining room table watching people have sex and ran down stairs. Soon after this my daughter also told me that my son was staring to look up naked pictures. When I found out about this I called my cable company and had the internet disconnected. My boyfriend seemed bothered by this because he said it was not discussed with him first. I stated that I did not want my son having access to anything and everything and that is was not healthy that both children at one time or another had found there dad looking at porn. I stated I did not want my son to look at pornos, he would end up disrespecting women, and become a jerk about sex and women. This leads me to a few weeks later when the kids were out of town with their grandparents, my boyfriend came home from work and just decided that he wanted to be upset again about me not talking to him about turning off the internet. This night he ended nearly killing me physically. After all this I told him he was sick, and to kick the crap out of me because he did not have porn to come home to was horrible. At this point have formed a plan to leave and I’m moving toward it, I’m giving myself two more months and then kids and I will be gone. How do I help my son not become like his dad, I’m worried about him and fear when he is out on his own he will be looking up porn constantly like his dad did. I really worried about this. I don’t want my son to be like his father. When I had tried to tell his dad about the unhealthiness of it he was indifferent. My kids dad is very vocal about women he sees on the television and what he wants to do with them infront of the kids. The only reason know this is because my kids told me what he says when I’m not there. How do I help my kids at this point. I feel If I was to find another man, I would want it to BE A healthy relationship, but I have had no good roll models about what a good man is… and fear there all gone or already married and taken. I feel like I will eventually need to show my kids my daughter especially what a good healthy relationship is so she does not repeat the pattern I have. The only problem is,… is that I don’t know what one looks like, Help how do I fix us?
Hi Victoria. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. My heart just breaks for you and your kids.
I’m glad you have a plan to leave, and I hope you have help and support at this time? The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you’re leaving.
You should be able to find help, support, and resources through a local women’s shelter. There are abuse hotlines open 24/7, as well. National hotlines should be able to help you access local services. You are NOT alone in this, and many loving people are waiting to help you through. Please access those services if you have not already.
I think in leaving this abusive relationship, you are giving your children the best example possible. I’m so, so proud of you for being able to do that.
I would suggest that you all enter therapy when you are able. You should be able to all find counseling services through your local women’s shelter, or through a local non-profit agency like a family advocacy center. You are all victims of crime, and you should be eligible for very affordable or free counseling services. Not only will your children have the opportunity to process their emotions and have support, but they’ll also see you modeling getting help and growing–which is all any of us can ever do!
None of us are perfect. We walk in the light that we have at the time. You’ve been in this situation, and now you have the light to move forward. That is a powerful, powerful thing for your children to see! Access the services that are available to you, and walk forward together. As you walk into the light, you’ll find more and more light. That’s how it works! Don’t worry about fixing everything all at once, just take the next right step.
I love these beautiful words of Spanish poet Antonio Machado:
“Traveler, there is no path.
The path is made by walking.
Traveller, the path is your tracks
And nothing more.
Traveller, there is no path
The path is made by walking.
By walking you make a path
And turning, you look back
At a way you will never tread again
Traveller, there is no road
Only wakes in the sea.”
Love and peace to you, with prayers for your safety and healing, Kay
It has been 13 months since I caught my husband with porn, we have done all of the suggested help. But I still feel gutted, I keep digging for more information on what else he has been looking at, which makes me worse, I look at my husband differently now. He has stopped, my husband has done all he can to show me he has stopped, but I cannot forgive or forget, it has been 15 years worth of hidden disgusting porn, I feel our life together has been a lie. My question is how long is long enough to call it quits?, as I cannot seem to move on and forget as my husband want’s me to do, along with everyone else?
Hey there. I wonder how much help you’ve gotten, just for you? Many times I find that all the energy and support goes into the husband’s recovery, with very little help for the wife. And many, many times women will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this. So even if the husband recovers well, the wife is left behind with a lot of baggage. I can’t answer your question about when to call it quits. I think every situation is individual and personal, and I think questions like that need to be dealt with carefully, and with great support. I’d suggest a counselor just for you, to help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. A trauma-focused group might help. And there’s a new online resource called Bloom that’s trauma-focused for women, and attachment-focused for marriage recovery. (The best approaches, in my opinion.) I think those resources might help you work through these really important questions. Peace, Kay
Living with a sexually addicted partner is a miserable experience. There is the realization that they sold you a bill of goods, in not being honest about their predilections, but most have not been honest with themselves. This does not excuse anything, however. If sexual abuse survivors do not seek help, and many can’t because they are not fully aware yet, there are a whole range of trauma-related coping mechanisms brought along as a skill set. If they are sexual abuse victims, they are probably reacting to that experience, thus the Asian women that look submissive and childlike for some. The partners they are attracted to suggest how old they were or how old their abuser was. Some men for instance abused by older women choose partners without public hair to compensate and attempt sexual expression. Sexual arousal and gender identification patterns are hijacked and disrupted and warped in sexual abuse. Porn offers a way to objectify a woman or man as body parts, and remain safe by not really emotionally connecting. Since no woman or man, especially as they age, can come close to the makeup, costuming and brain stimulation of constant camera actors and filters, it’s easy to take this personally, as if it’s something wrong with you, when it’s the mental and spiritual sickness of your mate. You are with a damaged individual (undeveloped adult) who does not know how to give and take, and invest in really loving someone. They often are stunted emotionally, and are playing a role they are ill-prepared for. Trust is the basis and security in any relationship, and since any addiction is based in shame, the person involved has to hide it, and thus deceive their partner. This can’t feel good, or produce open honest relating patterns. Deleting computer history, using someone as a prop for your dirty secrets, creating divorce and broken families with financial and emotional support vacuums and wasting someone’s time and good life years are some of the realities of this sham of existence.
What many people don’t realize, is even though they want to narrowly label this person as a sex addict or porn addict, the evolving realm of behaviors and role plays and exploration are often much wider than what seems obvious when mistakenly revealed. For instance, an Exhibitionist may evolve into sexually abusing related or non-related children, voyeurism, rape, etc. A minimum of 25% of sexually abused males will become abusers themselves, if untreated. So, having had an unwelcome learning experience, watching the devastation of my own family and choosing to understand this area, my belief is this involves a true spiritual journey. I’m not talking about ‘accepting Jesus’, or anything religious, but of taking your life back, and allowing your Adult to guide and protect your harmed Child self. When we do not accept the definition of the Perpetrator, for those whose sexual addiction or malfocus began when they were used or molested, and we take over the Protection of our lives, allowing total awareness of the past, maintaining our personal and spiritual boundaries, there is hope.
What you said makes complete sense to me, thank you for sharing