If your husband watches porn, you’re not alone. Statistics show that MANY husbands are regularly watching pornography. Up to two-thirds of men, including married men, consume porn habitually.1 Read these comments on our blog:
“I overheard my husband watching porn in the room, when I entered he hid his phone under the pillow and pretended to be sleeping. What does that mean? Why did he do that?”
“My husband developed erectile dysfunction at age 52 and I just assumed it was because of his long history of high blood pressure and/or blood pressure medications … I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!”
“I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile … I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure … And he still looked at porn and refused me sex.”
These are just a few of many. Whether you caught your husband watching porn or you’re just trying to understand why he uses it, keep reading.
Should I be concerned my husband watches porn?
If you ask the internet, you’ll find many people trying to convince you that porn is no big deal, that everyone uses it, and that you just need to understand why he does it, accept it, or maybe even join him watching.
But we’ve heard from enough wives to know that this answer doesn’t cut it. Furthermore, we’ve spoken with THOUSANDS of men who recognize they shouldn’t be watching porn, who feel bad about it, and really want to stop (even if they feel like they can’t).
Even if you don’t have a moral problem with pornography, you should be aware of the effects. For more, see Porn In Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (And How to Heal).
I’m angry my husband watches porn—is this justified?
If you’re a Christian, the Bible actually teaches that porn using porn is a form of adultery. If you’re angry about your husband’s porn use, you’re not being old-fashioned or unreasonable. Pornography isn’t a normal part of relationships. You probably feel hurt and confused as to why he would want to do this.
If your husband lies about his porn use, that’s also concerning. A strong marriage requires trust and honest communication. You can’t have that if someone is lying.
My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?
If you’re concerned that your husband might be addicted to porn, here are a few signs to watch out for.
Disinterested in Sex
A common sign of porn addiction is a lack of interest in real sex. While some psychologists argue that men watch porn because of a hyperactive sex drive, researchers who study the issue—as well as the painful experience of thousands of wives—recognize the very different reality. The comment we saw earlier from a wife whose husband refused sex represents this.
In many cases, this disinterest comes from porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Many men who have watched porn for an extended amount of time actually lose the ability to perform sexually without porn. For more, see Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn to Sex With Me?
Emotionally Distant and Withdrawn
When people are hooked on porn, they often become emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from the people around them, especially their spouses. Some men default toward emotional distance, and there may be a variety of reasons for this other than porn. However, porn often contributes to this behavior.
Different Sexual Preferences
Numerous studies show that pornography can change sexual preferences and may encourage an interest in violence, fetishes, or other extreme sexual behaviors. If your husband pressures you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with, this could be porn’s influence.
For a more complete list, check out 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
What to Remember if You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I need it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
- See related: 10 Ways You Can Help Your Husband Leave Porn Behind
Remember you are not the problem.
If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the real roots of the problem.
Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This cutting question can be difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.
However, your husband’s porn is not your fault. There are many examples of men married to world-renowned beauties who were still addicted to porn. Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni are celebrities famous worldwide for their physical appearance, and both were married to alleged porn addicts.
- See related: Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?
Pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others and to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But you could be a world-famous super-model, and you’d still be unable to compete with the constant variety and novelty available through porn.
Get help for yourself, then focus on your husband’s behavior.
Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the first step is to look for help and encouragement—for you. Find an encouraging support group, a trustworthy friend, or a counselor. Better yet, get all three!
3 Recovery Stages That Spouses of Porn Users Often Experience
(This section is adapted from our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband).
Just as there are five stages to the grieving process, researchers have identified three distinct stages in the recovery process for a marriage broken by betrayal.
1. Impact Stage
- In this first stage, you will search for an understanding of why this happened.
- Your feelings may be constantly in flux. They may include fear, hurt, anger, numbness, and disbelief.
- You may second-guess your husband’s motive for every behavior, even habitual ones (like checking email first thing in the morning).
- Your husband may not be able to distinguish between appropriate shame for wrongdoing and his pathological sense of toxic shame.
- Your interactions with your husband may be chaotic or intensely negative, leading to more frustration and anger with each other rather than resolution.
- You may begin to re-establish barriers and boundaries (such as sleeping in a different room).
- You both may feel like the balance of power has shifted. You may feel like your husband has proven his power by ruining your relationship, and may lash out destructively against him to regain a sense of control. Your husband may feel like he has no negotiating power.
2. Meaning Stage
- You will begin to search for a more thorough understanding of why the betrayal occurred, such as whether this was a habit from childhood, or whether a traumatic event in the past makes him fear intimacy with you.
- You will look for the necessary information to determine the next steps for your marriage.
- You will begin searching for ways to rebuild trust and intimacy.
3. Moving On Stage
- You will begin moving forward with a new set of beliefs about your relationship and start putting the event behind you.
- You will come to terms with what forgiveness means for you, and how it is connected to reconciliation with your husband.
- You may be required to make changes to your relationship with your husband so that it can continue (or end it, if necessary).
- You may still get flashbacks, but they will be less severe and disruptive, and you will recover more rapidly from them.
What to do next when your husband watches porn
1. Pray, seeking God’s wisdom and comfort.
Jen Ferguson is a wife who faced the pain of her husband’s porn addiction. She writes:
“God doesn’t want prayer to be our last resort. He desires to be at the forefront of our marriages, and prayer keeps Him in this rightful space. It also keeps us in our rightful place—the place where we’re not the ones in control, but He is.”
Don’t make prayer a last resort! Pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. God can do incredible things.
2. Find a supportive community.
As a wife whose husband watches porn, you need to know that you are not alone. There are many hundreds of thousands of other women who have faced the exact same struggles. We said this already but it bears repeating: Take the steps to connect yourself to a group of like-minded women who can encourage and support you on the journey.
3. Take advantage of free educational resources.
A spouse’s porn problem can be confusing and complicated, but fortunately, it’s no longer difficult to learn more. At Covenant Eyes, we’re committed to equipping you with resources for the journey.
Check out our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband (linked below). It’s packed full of information about porn addiction, along with practical encouragement and more detailed steps you can take to help yourself and your husband.
- See related: The Best Books on Porn Addiction And Recovery
4. Talk to your husband and ask questions.
If you haven’t already, you need to talk to your husband, but these conversations can be challenging. Be prepared to do two things. First, tell him how you feel. Explain how his porn use affects you and how it hurts your relationship.
Second, ask him questions and be prepared to listen. Some questions you might ask are:
- When were you first exposed to pornography?
- How long has this been a struggle?
- What steps are you going to take to be accountable?
5. Establish healthy boundaries.
Your husband’s porn addiction isn’t your fault, and that should encourage you. But it also means you can’t fix him or force him to change. While you can certainly encourage him and establish consequences, ultimately, he needs to decide for himself that he needs to quit porn. This means healthy boundaries are a must!
Counselor Kay Bruner offers some helpful advice in her article on Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction.
1Proven Men Porn Survey (conducted by Barna Group), located at https://www.provenmen.org/2014PornSurvey/ accessed May 23, 2022.
Reading these is such a great help for me, but I’m completely lost. I’m a young woman, grew up with a wonderful, loving family in a Christ-centered church and yet I’ve been addicted to pornography on and off since I was a pre teen. It disgusts me to think about the person I’ve become. I grew up knowing that premarital sex wasn’t okay and I waited… until I thought I was in love with a non-Christian. He never pushed me to do anything, was actually very respectful of my relationship with Christ. And yet, I wanted him to love me, I wanted to please him. And I finally gave in. Not even to him, but to another friend of mine. I was 19 at the time, my first boyfriend had been killed in a car crash and nobody had ever told me they loved me (besides family of course). I just wanted to be loved. Now, I’m 21, I’ve slept with 11 different guys, the 11th of whom is my fiancé. I love my fiancé very much, but I’ve been slowly letting him destroy my relationship with God. My porn use is back; I no longer go to church or read my Bible. Most of that stopped anyway, once I started partying here at my university and sleeping around. I told myself it was okay. I told myself I didn’t need “organized religion”, that I have my belief and that’s enough–I don’t need to obey God. And for a while, I’ve been allowing myself to believe that. But God has been trying to pull me back since that first time and I’m finally going to let him. I don’t know what to do for my fiancé, though. He grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, and even though he stopped attending church with his family in 6th grade (his parents had cheated on each other and I think he gave up on God at that point), he still believes in God and that Jesus is his son, but he doesn’t believe he needs a Savior. He doesn’t believe people need church. And he certainly doesn’t believe that pornography or sex outside of marriage is wrong. In fact, he thinks it’s completely normal to watch porn and to have sex as much as you want. He thinks Christianity is stupid for telling people not to give in to our natural urges. I’m at a loss. Breaking off the engagement with him, I think, would be the best way for me to get my life back on track… But it kills me to think of doing that. Please, I need advice. I am so lost right now.
Hey Emily. Thanks for being so honest and open. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of choices that you now regret. I want to tell you that there’s hope and redemption for you, no matter what. I believe that from the bottom of my heart! I think you know what you need to do, although it seems like a painful step to take.
I would encourage you to get with some people who can support you in healthy choices. Find a counselor, or maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery, or maybe both.
I think you would also benefit from thinking about your boundaries, and what kinds of choices you’d like to make going forward. There’s a whole series of books on Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that you might find helpful.
Blessings, Kay
Thanks for your article, ive downloaded your ebook. I hope it can offer me some peace as I’m really really struggling with this and it’s affecting my ability to be a mother as it’s all in my head and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m neglecting my children because I’m so filled with rage, sorrow and heartbreak and my kids deserve better. It’s not their fault i don’t meet my husbands ideals of what classes as an attractive person. He may not say it but i know, I’m not stupid. I’m not the big breasted Jennifer Lawrence he craves and obviously sees as his ideal women cos I certainly don’t see him googling fat girl next doors. I’m overweight with breasts that have fed 2 small children, my thighs are dimpled with cellulite, i don’t have the perfectly cut and colored hair of a porn star instead i have a 140 cm of plain brown hair that isn’t cut, i always saw it as my crowning glory, my beautiful long brown hair but now I see in his mind it doesnt compare to them, ive carried 2 children in this stomach, its not the flat belly he adores. I thought if I excite things up, if i buy a new wardrobe, loose a few dress sizes, take a real interest in my looks he would to. But now I see the truth. Its not me, it’s not my fault, I did everything I was meant to do and still im not enough. All i am is a cook, a gardener, a housekeeper, a tailor, an incubator for children, a babysitter, he doesn’t need me as a lover. He already has his whores
Oh Hailey, I’m so sorry. But you’re right, it’s not about you or how you look. Even if you were “perfect” (whatever that is!) it wouldn’t be enough. It’s not about you. It’s about the addiction. Ultimately, he will have to take responsibility for himself.
And you will have to take responsibility for yourself as well.
You can see how this is impacting your kids–to say nothing of how it’s impacting you. I hope the ebook helps, and I hope you can find someone local to you, maybe a pastor, therapist, or support group to help you process through the pain you’re experiencing. From your reference to your hair length in cm, I’m guessing you’re not in the States! I am not very familiar with support systems other than in the US, but xxxChurch has some online groups for spouses that might be helpful to you.
You might also appreciate the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s not specific to porn, but the principles apply to all sorts of situations in marriage where boundaries are required.
Let me know if those things help and if you have further questions. Kay
I found out that my husband had been going to live porn websites for years. I had a suspicion and told him that I hope he didn’t because to me that was cheating. I have to say that I try not to complain to my husband, so for me to say something to him was a big deal, and I did it nicely. To my disappointment, he continued going to live web sites, having live web sexual experiences with women. When I found out I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that the man I thought I knew would do this to me. I wanted to leave him but then I found out I was pregnant, (which was a blessing since he didn’t want to be intimate with me). So now I struggle, my daughter is the best thing to have ever happen to me, how do I raise her right when all I do when I look at her father is feel disappointed? I need help!
I can so relate to what you said here: that confronting the problem was a big deal for you, you did it nicely, and it had no impact. I’m so sorry! That’s so hard.
I don’t know if you had a chance to look at the book that’s referenced in April’s author notes at the bottom of the post? Hope After Porn is one of our most popular downloads, and it’s free. It’s the story of four different women and what they did in situations similar to yours. Each story talks about the boundaries that each person chose, which I think is really valuable. There’s not a one-size-fits-all, for-sure way to go. We all have to consider our own individual situations, and make the best choices we can.
I hope as you read through the resources here at Covenant Eyes, you’ll feel supported to make decisions that are healthy and right for you and your daughter. We write about boundaries a whole lot here. Here’s a link to one of our articles. I think about boundaries as if they’re the front door on our house. We all have one. We close it and lock it to protect ourselves and our families from harm. Emotionally, we need to have the same capacity to decide what we let in our lives, and to close the door against things we don’t want in our lives.
The other thing I hope you’ll find here is that we believe in healing. We believe in hope. We know that people CAN get better. Of course we also know that it takes time, and effort, and a ton of work and commitment on the part of the person who has the addiction. Lots of the articles here are about that process of getting free from addiction and what that looks like, but here’s one in particular that you could pass along to your husband, if he’s interested in what change might be like for him.
While you’re dealing with all this, I hope you’ve got people around you who can support you through it? If it’s hard to talk to friends and family, sometimes a counselor can be a huge help as you think through your boundaries and decide what to do next. We recommend checking the website at the American Association of Christian Counselors, for a counselor in your area.
I hope some of those resources will help you. Please let me know if you have other questions.
Blessings,
Kay
Lol Porn is the best and all comments that support this post are from prude, christian housewives who deprive their husbands of stimulation. “Like dogs do it? Absolutely Not!” Grow up and enjoy yourselves whilst at least someone is interested in you.
Interesting blanket statement to say about a bunch of women you don’t personally know.
I am hurt right now as my husband put a lock on phone and on his browser on his phone you are still able to view the browser history. He left for fishing today and i felt wrong looking at his browser history but my gut feeling told me to do it, internet porn has been an issue in the past and i have caught him in the act on a couple occasions. I have reacted by being upset and then he reacts by being upset and ignoring more days like i did something wrong. This hurts so bad and today when i saw the last seven day history in his browser and it was all porn breaks my heart. I work from and i am home all day with him, he hasnt come home yet to confront this. I pray to god that he gives me the strength to be able to confront this in the right and calm mannered way.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It is sad how many men out there wrestle with this sin.
It is great to hear that you want to confront him in a calm and loving manner. Pray God will enable you be both compassionate and firm. Calmness is good, but don’t mistake calmness with being non-confrontational.
You might enjoy this post about steps you can take at this moment. Hopefully, it will bring some clarity.
In the end, the important thing to get across to him is what you expect of him, and not just about the porn. Certainly, you should say that you expect him not to look at porn, but you should also communicate that you expect him to get help from someone if he finds it hard to stop, and that you expect him to be honest with you about the nature and depth of this struggle. Ask questions about how long it has been going on, when he first started watching porn, when it turned into a habit, and how he feels about it. When you have this conversation, please come back here and let me know how it went.
If you need some help wrapping your mind around relationship recovery expectations, here’s another article you might enjoy.
April,
I’m curious to know how you enabled your husband. Can you give specific examples?
Hi Marie: The best way to explain how I enabled him would be to say that I never brought it to the light. I hid his addiction because I was scared and ashamed.
I was scared to admit it to myself. I was scared that it was out of my control. I was scared that I would end up divorced and alone.
I was ashamed for my husband. I was ashamed that I wasn’t a good enough wife. I was ashamed that our marriage wasn’t as good as everyone else’s.
Shame, guilt and fear drove me to protect the secret. I enabled my husband to continue with his addiction because I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought of every thing that could be done to change him and to change his desires, but at the end of the day the ONLY answer was to bring it to the light.
In retrospect, I allowed myself to die slowly, day by day. I wish now that I would have gone to friends, family or a trusted mentor, advisor or pastor. It was out of my own foolishness and/or pride, that I protected the secret.
My challenge to you today, is to ask yourself why are you protecting the secret?
It is so nice to know that there are other women out there who feel the same way I do. Not I would wish this pain on anyone, it is just nice to read through al the comments and know that some how even though I feel all alone I really am not. I have you all who are going through something similar. I wish it wasn’t this way. I married my husband almost two years ago when porn was not in his life. I married him because I knew he didn’t watch porn. We just had a child together at the beginning of the year and I noticed he was spending more and more time on his phone than with his family. From the minute he woke up until the minute he went to bed he was on his phone. I confronted him a month ago and he was very defensive and didn’t like me confronting him about this. He said he would stop. I also noticed his eyes were wondering more and more, he would say she looks good doesn’t she and other comments of other girls and If I just had their dress or those boots or her hair. I tried to let it go hoping he was actually not watching those videos. He stopped for two weeks, the sex was better he was more into it and I felt like things were looking up. I would love to have it at least three times a week, however he said all he wants to do is cuddle and hold me. I talked to him again about the porn because I looked on his phone and saw that he had been watching video after video after video for days and weeks. I confronted him again and he said it is something that will always be in his life. It is not something he can stop doing. WOW You have chosen porn over real sex with a real person who you vowed your marriage to. We both went into this marriage knowing that cheating is not what we will do to each other and divorce is not an option. Who knew it would come to this. Porn is cheating no matter how you put it. He is lusting after many women and those images are in his mind forever. He probably goes back to those images while we have sex. I just don’t know how much more I can take of this. How do I draw the line? what do I tell him to make him realize this is a real issue? I need help I can’t even focus at work anymore this is on my mind all the time. What about our baby?
I gave him a hand job recently he was limp most of the time and he said that wasn’t the first time he jacked off limp and still came. So we had sex four days after that and he went limp very fast, nobody enjoyed that night. I told him he has PISD or ED by porn. He is in denial and doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. I am not sure how many conversations I have to have with him so it sinks in. He gets so pissed when I even say the word, like it is something I am not allowed to say and I am not allowed to talk to anyone about this. he told me not to talk to his mother about this.
I feel so lost and so empty. I am having nightmares and starting to sleep walk again I am not enough for him and I am so afraid our marriage is over. He might have made a commitment to me but his eyes have not committed to me.
Hi Destroyed,
It is aggravating to hear about men like your husband. I understand the self-deception because I used to be trapped in that mindset as well, but it is still frustrating.
We published a book a while back for men who are experiencing problems in their love life because of porn. (It takes a purely secular approach and addresses the impact of porn on the brain.) If you think your husband might read it, pass it along. You can download the book, The Porn Circuit, here.
Wives facing these situations need to practice boundaries with their husband. This is difficult to do, but vital to save your sanity. I recommend you watch this video about that.
:'( I just don’t know what to do.Three months later after we got married I found under the guests bed about 50 porn movies, I was surprised but at the same time I was like “well he was alone for so long” our relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend was most of all by the phone because I was in a different country. Well, I acted like a normal person and asked him about them so that’s what he said because “he was alone, he entertained himself with that”….ok I throw them in a bag and took it away. Alright, everything was perfect until we got a new laptop six months later. After that, everything changed. He spent hours and hours configuring the software creating folders and I don’t know what else. One day I called his attention so he said he was playing spades online and invited me to watch him play, alright it was a wholesome entertainment. The days went by and began the nights, long nights because he stayed up until two three am “playing” so again I called his attention and talked to him let him know that I was a little uncomfortable because he was spending a little too much time on the laptop so he got mad. He started screaming and telling me that he couldn’t believe I was jealous of a computer, so ok I didn’t tell him anything else about that. I though that yes maybe I was jealous. But yes after that he stopped for like two weeks, he didn’t touch it for nothing. He started going to bed earlier than the usual, he wouldn’t wait for me, so at the time I came to bed he was sound asleep. Almost three weeks passed like that but then he started again, so now there began the real problems because at this time I didn’t tell him anything. One morning before he woke up I went trough the laptop history and yep all I found was a bunch of porn movies, so I asked him about that and again he got really mad. He told me I was crazy that it was just hallucinations so then he started using the incognito window so there’s nothing on the history but he still up late night. Our relationship began to deteriorate, we had almost not sex, there was not much confidence on my part. He didn’t wanted to touch me neither me touching him sometimes he wanted hard positions or like unusual things in bed and yes I tried to please him with all, even if it hurt my body AND my feelings, I just wanted to make him happy so wouldn’t look for it out nor watches porn. I didn’t mention anything about that for weeks, he wouldn’t accept that he watches porn anyways and I will be the crazy but I was depressed, angry, biter i got home sick, I felt trap, I was really bad. One night I was sleeping and I woke up about four am and he was still up, so I got up quietly and surprised him, he was there with the movie on and his ***** on his hands oh I was so mad I couldn’t say anything to him. The next day I tried to talk to him but again he denied everything. Right now we have been married for three years and seven months and I still know he watches it when I’m not at home, he does it when he is at work, on his cellphone and he still doesn’t accept that he has a problem. Right now I’m just like the housekeeper, no sex no communication, no affection? A part of me misses him but the other part feels disgust, anger, hatred. Right now more when three weeks ago I broke into his cellphone and :'( found that he has been looking on craigslist casual encounters and myredbook and a phone number that he said he doesn’t know who’s that. The worst thing is that he still doesn’t accept anything of that. We have not kids yet but my status migratory will be on risk if we get divorce. I just don’t know what to do or how because he doesn’t accept it so I can not help him. Sadly, when I know we have not had the best relationship for so long already I’d like to fix our marriage but I can’t by myself.
Please I need advices.
Thanks!
Hi Merceditas,
Your story is heartbreaking. It’s sad that there are so many men out there with loving wives who waste all their energy on a computer screen.
First, I understand your position is fragile, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put up boundaries with your husband. I highly recommend you read our book, Porn and Your Husband. It is totally free to download if you use this link. I also recommend you read through some of the articles in our “Rebuild Your Marriage” category.
I feel like you have just described me… I needed this today.. More than you could know…
it breaks my heart going through this same thing. I’m a 20 yr old pregnant mother. I had our first daughter a yr ago and am currently pregnant with our second daughter. I’ve always had insecurities about my looks that I knew even then we’re unfounded. I went from weighing 98 pounds pre pregnancy with our first to 130 at six months pregnant with our second. I just recently found out that my fiance has had an addiction to porn since he was seven. he’s promised to quit for me, but just last night I caught him watching it and lying about it. I’m at my wits end on what I can do to help work on his addiction. on top of trying to change up my looks to be sexier for him, I’ve been trying everything in my power to make him happy and distracted from the porn. been getting up with our daughter at seven in the morning and staying up with him till three in the morning to keep him distracted. I feel like I’m never going to be good enough for him to stop the porn . sometimes I even think it’d take me being in a crazy accident and getting hurt somehow for him to realize my feelings about wanting to feel wanted. I’ve asked some people for help and advice, but they’ve never been through this type of addiction or try to compare it to their relationship problems. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m never going to be good enough
If you haven’t downloaded Porn and Your Husband yet, you should. It will help explain what’s going on in your fiance’s head, and give you ideas for next steps to take to help him quit.
That being said, here are a few thoughts on your situation:
1. You say you’re tired of feeling like you’re never going to be good enough. The depressing reality is, he’s training himself for variety through a digital harem, so right now, you aren’t “enough” (and for the record, I hate using that word because it implies that sex is his “right” – it’s not). The key phrase is “right now.” As he detoxes, he will rewire his brain to bond sexually to you and only you. This will be a long process, but if he truly quits porn and focuses on your relationship, it will happen.
2. I’m being blatantly optimistic here, but he may not be lying about trying to quit. Many men think that because their porn use was secret, their recovery should be secret as well. Even if he’s not “addicted” to porn, it’s still addictive, and he likely will fall as he detoxes from it. You may have simply stumbled in at the wrong time. Of course, lying to you when you caught him was certainly not okay. (Neither was his porn use, but it’s an understandable failure.)
That being said, I recommend three things:
1. Reiterate that his porn use – and his lying about it – hurts you. Have him read “Porn and Your Husband,” which will actually give him insight into how much his porn use is tearing you up inside.
2. Have him pick a trusted mentor to hold him accountable for his Internet use. Don’t try to do it all yourself; it will only cause you pain.
3. Consider making his recovery a condition to getting married. Maybe it’s not 100% detox by the time you’re married, but he needs to take concrete, measurable steps toward quitting. Maybe it’s that he has chosen and met with a mentor at least 2-3 times, or even something as simple as “No computers/smartphones after 10 p.m.” If you’re going through premarital counseling, you might want to ask the counselor for some suggestions. If he doesn’t take these measurable steps, call off the engagement. You don’t want to deal with this your entire life. Even if you’re halfway through wedding planning and have bought the dress, it’s cheaper to call off a wedding than to deal with a divorce.