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Rebuild Your Marriage 10 minute read

My Husband Watches Porn: Handling a Spouse’s Porn Addiction

Last Updated: March 1, 2024

If your husband watches porn, you’re not alone. Statistics show that MANY husbands are regularly watching pornography. Up to two-thirds of men, including married men, consume porn habitually.1 Read these comments on our blog:

“I overheard my husband watching porn in the room, when I entered he hid his phone under the pillow and pretended to be sleeping. What does that mean? Why did he do that?”

“My husband developed erectile dysfunction at age 52 and I just assumed it was because of his long history of high blood pressure and/or blood pressure medications … I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!”

“I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile … I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure … And he still looked at porn and refused me sex.”

These are just a few of many. Whether you caught your husband watching porn or you’re just trying to understand why he uses it, keep reading.

woman with a question

Should I be concerned my husband watches porn?

If you ask the internet, you’ll find many people trying to convince you that porn is no big deal, that everyone uses it, and that you just need to understand why he does it, accept it, or maybe even join him watching.

But we’ve heard from enough wives to know that this answer doesn’t cut it. Furthermore, we’ve spoken with THOUSANDS of men who recognize they shouldn’t be watching porn, who feel bad about it, and really want to stop (even if they feel like they can’t).

Even if you don’t have a moral problem with pornography, you should be aware of the effects. For more, see Porn In Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (And How to Heal).

I’m angry my husband watches porn—is this justified?

If you’re a Christian, the Bible actually teaches that porn using porn is a form of adultery. If you’re angry about your husband’s porn use, you’re not being old-fashioned or unreasonable. Pornography isn’t a normal part of relationships. You probably feel hurt and confused as to why he would want to do this.

If your husband lies about his porn use, that’s also concerning. A strong marriage requires trust and honest communication. You can’t have that if someone is lying.

My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?

If you’re concerned that your husband might be addicted to porn, here are a few signs to watch out for.

Disinterested in Sex

A common sign of porn addiction is a lack of interest in real sex. While some psychologists argue that men watch porn because of a hyperactive sex drive, researchers who study the issue—as well as the painful experience of thousands of wives—recognize the very different reality. The comment we saw earlier from a wife whose husband refused sex represents this.

In many cases, this disinterest comes from porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Many men who have watched porn for an extended amount of time actually lose the ability to perform sexually without porn. For more, see Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn to Sex With Me?

Emotionally Distant and Withdrawn

When people are hooked on porn, they often become emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from the people around them, especially their spouses. Some men default toward emotional distance, and there may be a variety of reasons for this other than porn. However, porn often contributes to this behavior.

Different Sexual Preferences

Numerous studies show that pornography can change sexual preferences and may encourage an interest in violence, fetishes, or other extreme sexual behaviors. If your husband pressures you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with, this could be porn’s influence.

For a more complete list, check out 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?

What to Remember if You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn

Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I need it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.

Remember you are not the problem.

If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the real roots of the problem.

Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This cutting question can be difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.

However, your husband’s porn is not your fault. There are many examples of men married to world-renowned beauties who were still addicted to porn. Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni are celebrities famous worldwide for their physical appearance, and both were married to alleged porn addicts.

Pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others and to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But you could be a world-famous super-model, and you’d still be unable to compete with the constant variety and novelty available through porn.

Get help for yourself, then focus on your husband’s behavior.

Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography.

It may seem counterintuitive, but the first step is to look for help and encouragement—for you. Find an encouraging support group, a trustworthy friend, or a counselor. Better yet, get all three!

3 Recovery Stages That Spouses of Porn Users Often Experience

(This section is adapted from our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband).

Just as there are five stages to the grieving process, researchers have identified three distinct stages in the recovery process for a marriage broken by betrayal.

1. Impact Stage

  • In this first stage, you will search for an understanding of why this happened.
  • Your feelings may be constantly in flux. They may include fear, hurt, anger, numbness, and disbelief.
  • You may second-guess your husband’s motive for every behavior, even habitual ones (like checking email first thing in the morning).
  • Your husband may not be able to distinguish between appropriate shame for wrongdoing and his pathological sense of toxic shame.
  • Your interactions with your husband may be chaotic or intensely negative, leading to more frustration and anger with each other rather than resolution.
  • You may begin to re-establish barriers and boundaries (such as sleeping in a different room).
  • You both may feel like the balance of power has shifted. You may feel like your husband has proven his power by ruining your relationship, and may lash out destructively against him to regain a sense of control. Your husband may feel like he has no negotiating power.

2. Meaning Stage

  • You will begin to search for a more thorough understanding of why the betrayal occurred, such as whether this was a habit from childhood, or whether a traumatic event in the past makes him fear intimacy with you.
  • You will look for the necessary information to determine the next steps for your marriage.
  • You will begin searching for ways to rebuild trust and intimacy.

3. Moving On Stage

  • You will begin moving forward with a new set of beliefs about your relationship and start putting the event behind you.
  • You will come to terms with what forgiveness means for you, and how it is connected to reconciliation with your husband.
  • You may be required to make changes to your relationship with your husband so that it can continue (or end it, if necessary).
  • You may still get flashbacks, but they will be less severe and disruptive, and you will recover more rapidly from them.

What to do next when your husband watches porn

1. Pray, seeking God’s wisdom and comfort.

Jen Ferguson is a wife who faced the pain of her husband’s porn addiction. She writes:

“God doesn’t want prayer to be our last resort. He desires to be at the forefront of our marriages, and prayer keeps Him in this rightful space. It also keeps us in our rightful place—the place where we’re not the ones in control, but He is.”

Don’t make prayer a last resort! Pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. God can do incredible things.

2. Find a supportive community.

As a wife whose husband watches porn, you need to know that you are not alone. There are many hundreds of thousands of other women who have faced the exact same struggles. We said this already but it bears repeating: Take the steps to connect yourself to a group of like-minded women who can encourage and support you on the journey.

3. Take advantage of free educational resources.

A spouse’s porn problem can be confusing and complicated, but fortunately, it’s no longer difficult to learn more. At Covenant Eyes, we’re committed to equipping you with resources for the journey.

Check out our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband (linked below). It’s packed full of information about porn addiction, along with practical encouragement and more detailed steps you can take to help yourself and your husband.

4. Talk to your husband and ask questions.

If you haven’t already, you need to talk to your husband, but these conversations can be challenging. Be prepared to do two things. First, tell him how you feel. Explain how his porn use affects you and how it hurts your relationship.

Second, ask him questions and be prepared to listen. Some questions you might ask are:

  • When were you first exposed to pornography?
  • How long has this been a struggle?
  • What steps are you going to take to be accountable?

5. Establish healthy boundaries.

Your husband’s porn addiction isn’t your fault, and that should encourage you. But it also means you can’t fix him or force him to change. While you can certainly encourage him and establish consequences, ultimately, he needs to decide for himself that he needs to quit porn. This means healthy boundaries are a must!

Counselor Kay Bruner offers some helpful advice in her article on Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction.


1Proven Men Porn Survey (conducted by Barna Group), located at  https://www.provenmen.org/2014PornSurvey/ accessed May 23, 2022.

  1. Dan

    One more thing. Covenant Eyes says I must depend on God’s grace to stay pure.
    Why not just tell my wife to get interested in sex as the Apostle Paul admonished in 1 Corinthians 7, instead of focusing on kids, and house cleaning, and shopping, and meals, and every other responsibility imaginable (jobs, as her husband, which I do more than 50% of anyway)?? (Oh, I forgot an hour of devotions each morning.)
    If she cannot devote 15 minutes twice a week to intimacy while in bed, instead of showing an interest about every one to five months… and her husband is tempted by porn, maybe she should look at herself instead of dissing her husband. Men get weary feeling like their wives are tolerating the husband’s sex drive. No wonder he succumbs to the incessant sex-charged temptations in which he is visually swimming in this culture. The allure of the free constantly available porn woman will forever be with him once he is addicted, no matter how hard he endeavors to resist this and break free. And 50-70%, it is reported, of Christian church-going men have been exposed to porn. Perhaps it is time for Christian wives to step up and win their husbands back from the temptress.

    • Hi Dan,

      It isn’t an either-or situation: Depend on God’s grace to stay pure OR have sex with your wife frequently. Sex with your wife is a grace from God.

      That said, it is true that married couples should frequently have sex (as least frequently enough that neither the man nor the woman is tempted by sexual immorality). This has been a theme on our blog before.

      Both husbands and wives need to improve communications around sexual topics. If he wants to have sex more and she doesn’t, this needs to be discussed in light of Scriptural principles. Yes, if a spouse refuses sex or only begrudgingly has sex, this is not a healthy sexual relationship and should be remedied.

      That said, this does not cure a lust problem. I know many men who have very sexually available wives (having sex many times a week or every day) who still look at porn. This is because marriage will satisfy your sex drive but not your sin drive. Sin wants what it can’t have; it wants what is forbidden. Sex with your lawful spouse doesn’t satisfy this. Only Christ can change our hearts.

    • Personal Responsibility Anyone?

      Blame-shift much ?

    • completely broken

      Dan, I can’t compete with the women in porn, so what makes you think that having more sex with my husband is going to keep him honest? He couldn’t stay honest even within our first year of marriage and he blames me, saying the I’m not ‘there’ when we have sex. Althewhile, I’m ‘there and insecure of my body and efforts bcause I’m not experienced like him’

    • In one sense, you are completely right. As long as your husband is trained by porn standards, one woman will never satisfy him. More sex is not the answer. Sexual frequency in marriage is good, but it isn’t a cure for a man who only sees his wife as one of many sexual experiences.

      It isn’t just the bodies of the porn stars that set the standard. To be sure, porn companies hire them young and encourage them to get breast implants, but that is only part of the reason why porn is alluring. Porn producers edit out the hours of footage, choosing only the best material. They train the girls on what to say and how to say it. They piece the sexual experience together on screen, making the viewer believe that the woman was enjoying herself 100% of the time. On top of this, the Internet only makes matters worse: a man can click around for hours, looking at one woman after the next, finding the sexual episode that suits his tastes at that very moment. There is no woman in the world, no matter what she looks like, who is that clickable and customizable.

      What you husband is doing to you is deplorable. Looking at porn and then blaming you. You are “there” when you have sex? Neither are the thousands of women he’s seen on screen. If what he means is he wants you to enjoy yourself in the bedroom more, well fine, but he shouldn’t make that into an excuse for his own lust.

    • Ella

      “And 50-70%, it is reported, of Christian church-going men have been exposed to porn. Perhaps it is time for Christian wives to step up and win their husbands back from the temptress.” This is one of the most dangerous statements i have ever read. The first sentence is true. Combined with the second sentence it creates a devastating lie. That lie is that wives being sexually available to their husband or not is related to his porn use. To blame your porn use on your wife is simply choosing not to take responsibility for your sinful choices. As a Christian sex addiction counselor I consistently see couples where the wife has a very high sex drive or simply lives by the belief system that she should never refuse her husband, yet they are still sitting in my office. Frequently he does not even want sex with her anymore because he has come to prefer porn. Other times they do have frequent sex and he is still using porn. Another phenomenon I see often is the wife who does not feel safe to be vulnerable with to be sexual with her husband because of his porn use. She feels judged and compared to the women in the screen; she feels used, like an object, because he is not emotionally present during sex; she feels lonely and unloved. You are clearly very bitter. I don’t know if your perception in your marriage is accurate or not. I do know that you said your porn use started before you met your wife. I do know that porn use causes a person to become self centered and skews their perception of just about everything. I do know that you felt the need to brag about an hour of daily time with God (possibly a skewed perception or a flat out lie since all porn addicts are very good liars). And I know that your spiritual maturity is quite lacking since you felt the need to point this out and because of the many lies from Satan that you believe. I point this out not to criticize, but to hopefully show any vulnerable naive person who reads your harmful words that there is no credence there. There is nothing but a man too selfish to recognize he just spit in the face of an unbelievably courageous woman who was brave enough to write this beautiful article, using her personal story to help others with the wisdom she has gained from her experiences and from her relationship with Christ.

    • Ella

      I made a mistake. I said the first sentence was true. Actually I’m pretty sure the accurate percentage of Christian men who have been exposed to porn is closer to 100 percent.

    • Dan,
      It’s important to understand the hermeneutics of 1 Corinthians 7. The Christians in Corinth wrote to Paul asking him about celibacy since the presence of sexual immorality in Corinth was everywhere at the time. Since the fear of sexual immorality was so great and they saw what was happening in Corinth they took things to an extreme and made a decision not to have sex with one another. Many married couples abstained from sex out of fear. The question they were asking was if was ok for a husband and wife to have each other in a sexual sense. They feared sexual immorality that much! This was not a case of wife denying her husband because she had a headache. Also, early Christians in Corinth were prone to practice asceticism (extreme self-denial for religious purposes). Paul starts by saying “it’s good for a man not to have sex with a woman, but because of sexual temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife” He goes on to say don’t deprive one another and your body is not your own but if you don’t understand the reason behind it you miss the entire point. Paul addresses the men first, not the women. He also adds that this is a concession not a command. Dan, it’s difficult for me to believe how easy it is for men to blame their sin on their wives these days. Please be careful in how you interpret scripture and try to see your part in this.

    • For the record, I never refused my husband and I am an attractive lady. Don’t use that as an excuse.

    • stephanie

      Dan, speaking as a wife of someone who struggles with porn and lust, it isn’t that simple. I don’t think you understand how much of a gift it is for your wife to share her body with you. When your husband betrays/ rejects/ ignores/ disrespects/ doesn’t cherish this gift by lusting after other women, how do you think the wife feels? It is very difficult for a woman to be interested in sex with a man she feels is not going to cherish one of the greatest gifts she can give him. If you expect your wife to have sex with you and to put forth an effort, you need to not only undo the hurt you have caused but make her feel like the most beautiful woman to you as she may have once felt. I know in the beginning of my marriage, I was very confident with my husband and was very engaged, willing, and open when it came to our sexual relationship. After 3-4 years of on and off porn/ lust issues, I have lost that confidence in being able to turn on my husband. I am still very interested in sex and desire more than anything a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. But when I am with him, I feel ashamed and like I have to compete with his extensive past (and present). More than anything do I want to hear him tell me I am beautiful, that I turn him on, that I am enough for him… but no matter how much I have verbalized my struggles, he has yet to give me any assurances. I am starting to get suspicious that he only comes to me for an “outlet” to his lust– not because he actually desires me or to be intimate with me. Sex is all about him and when he wants it. He seems to only be turned on after seeing/ lusting after another woman. What wife wants to be intimate and share her body with someone doing that?
      All I am saying Dan, stop thinking about yourself and maybe your wife will put down the distractions that shield her from the harsh reality that is her marriage.

    • Jess

      Ok Dan… I somewhat agree with your “one more thing” post but I think you are wording it wrong. The way you are wording it is blaming it too much on your wife which women will get upset about. It is not her responsibility to win you over. It is her responsibility though to have sex with you. It is also not her fault that you strayed. It is very difficult to be sexually frustrated. However just because you are starving does it give you the right to steal?

  2. Dan

    I am over 35 years into a marriage that is evangelical Christian from the beginning to the present; and continuously in church. Raised all the children and they are well respected in their faith. But porn has been in and out of my life since I was just after elementary school. Most have heard the story of the lingerie section of the department store catalog; or a friend with a Playboy mag, etc. that started it all. I have watched this evolve in the culture from print photos to videos to internet streaming. I have struggled with porn, but never touched another woman than my wife.
    After much reflection, and many periods of being into porn, and then long periods of being out of its involvement – the view of wives, and Christian wives, that it is not their responsibility is both correct, and incorrect. This is not simple and uncomplicated. Sex is the most powerful force in the physical body and lives of most men. It is at the core of nearly every one of them as a consuming drive. And it always has been and always will be very challenging to manage. This is not new. Read the story of Tamar, and of the lives of King David, King Solomon, even Noah and Abraham. Raw lust plays a part in much of the Bible. It may be each man’s responsibility to do what is righteous, but his loving wife could help him greatly. Most men’s hormones run on a restoration cycle of one to three days, while many women seem to run on a hormone cycle of sexual desire of biweekly or even monthly. This leaves to inconsistent objectives by each marriage partner. Porn changes the brain and is addicting like a drug, like cocaine or meth. But if a wife keeps her enticement of her man active and interesting, then he has much less drive to seek it out in porn. And he really does not need to seek hard to find it – it is available for free in short vids with a quick search engine review. All men know that. The culture is drowning, immersed, saturated in sexual stimulation and temptation, and putting all the impetus on men only perpetuates the problem. If a man is a quality, caring husband – as most intended to be at the wedding – then his immersion is this sex-saturated modern culture contributes to his fall to temptation. It was rarely his original intention. Wives acknowledgement of this and efforts to counter this illicit lure – to draw him sexually to her would be infinitely wise. Most Christian wives I have known are clueless after many, many years to their husband’s struggles, and show little interest in helping him overcome these temptations by luring him sexually constantly to them. Blame itbon the wife’s low self-esteem, or on her insecurity, but the temptress is always there alluring her man away. And if she does not counter it, even the best of men often stumble, sometimes badly, and sometimes stumble and stumble and stumble.

    • jennifer

      Why is it that as a woman temptation is also all aond me to fall And stumble.. The difference between a man and a woman Is that she doesn’t fall and stumble When she truly loves her man… So don’t make up any excuses As to why you watch porn… Its called self control.. And if you truly loved your wife you wouldn’t Ever have to deal with this.. I’m sorry I’m not being rude I’m telling you how it really is.. There’s no place for porn ever in a relationship

    • Christy

      Dan, men who struggle need to band together and help each other……..A women actually can not change a man. Every individual must be open to correction from God and God’s moral standard. I think you are probably familiar with passages of scripture about marriage and they do not suggest that it is wise for a women to be sexually alluring…but alluring because of a sweet and loving character. Physically experiences are important to both genders equally…There is no wife on the planet who doesn’t want her husband to be attractive sexually. Haha! Try being a man who takes responsibility for his actions and attitudes and speak up and share your struggles…because hot damn that’s attractive.

    • Dan,
      Don’t make up your lame excuses. It has nothing to do with that. It doesn’t matter how sexy or how much sex she gives him. It has to do with him and his unfaithfulness. One women is not enough because he is messed up and has deep issues he needs to work out with a counselor.

    • Julie

      Wow, Dan, that was the most insightful, honest, balanced, transparent, informed and helpful post I’ve read yet. Thank you so very much for posting the truth, the facts, and the advice. What wisdom. I hope that you will reap complete and unending freedom because of your willingness to sow your time and wisdom to help readers on this sight understand their husbands better. Wives remember – we HAVE to be “harmless as doves but WISE as serpents”! Bless you Dan….

    • sd1904

      Are you seriously saying that if women were to sexually i twice their husbands more they wouldn’t need or want to look at porn? You are so ridiculous. Many woman have sex with their husbands daily, happily trying out new sexual position s and fetishes only to ha e their husbands continue with the obsessive porn watching. Quit trying to blame women for their mans pervers

    • anonymous

      Lies. If he was engaged in port before getting married their is NOTHING a wife can do to fix or stop the problem. He has to want to stop . To REALLY WANT TO STOP.

    • Kay Bruner

      Yes. The responsibility for behavior lies solely with the person who chooses that behavior. When men are using porn, that is a choice they’ve made for themselves, and it’s their responsibility. Thanks for speaking up.

    • Brenda

      Dan, are you serious? “Luring him sexually constantly to him”? Unbelievable that an intelligent person would even write that. I happen to be a very sexy woman. I keep myself in shape and get attention from men all the time. I am available to him anytime he wants. I know how to please and he knows it. Yet he still prefers sex with pornography because he is SELFISH. He wants to be pleased and have HIS desires and needs met, without the burden of caring about another person’s needs. Lovemaking is all about giving and finding pleasure in pleasing your partner. If both partners do that, it is beautiful. It is an exquisite emotional, physical and spiritual connection, just like God intended it to be. The more you give, the more you get. But he wants me to come on to him, make him feel desirable. Then I do all the lovemaking to him, while he lays back and enjoys. If I don’t initiate sex (which I don’t anymore, what a surprise), we don’t have sex. So he just goes to his fantasy women on the internet who are willing to do anything he pleases without having to give anything in return. My husband has not fulfilled my sexual needs for 5 years and I have been faithful to him. He has not been “luring me sexually constantly” (or ever!) , yet I have not broken our marriage covenant by being unfaithful to him, and believe me I could. Then I find out that all that time he has been wanking off to internet porn and contacting girls on facebook. So much for your theory.

    • Jess

      Dan, explain this to me… I am six years younger than you were when you posted this. I am very sexual and sensual. My biggest complaint during my ten years of marriage has been not enough sex. I get very frustrated. The lack of sex sometimes is all consuming. I would like sex every day or every other day… And I’m the wife! Men think I’m sexy. I have gotten many comments through out the years and continue to get comments. I enjoy doing and trying everything. The thing is when my husband and I have sex, no porno can compete with it. I will not get elaborate and leave it as that. So why did my husband have a porn addiction for a year of our marriage? Why was he doing it solo for even longer than that? Why was I left alone and even contemplated cheating on him. I have watched porn and it does nothing for me sexually. I tried watching it to satisfy what is missing. I think that men do not actually enjoy the act of sex with a woman. I think men do not want to be bothered with the physical activity. We now have sex about twice a week which is still not enough for me. Physically it hurts me. Emotionally and mentally it is damaging. I think that when men talk about it as a “need” is a joke. Sex is a need! Porn is not! You saying that a woman should lure her husband I feel is a joke. My husband no longer watches porn because he has no access to it. He has a simple phone, and no money. If he has to spend money he does so on a debit card and gives me any receipts. I hold him accountable which he actually says all wives should do. If you have a problem with porn you should hold yourself accountable! Take away all access! Yes you can live with out the Internet! My husband has done so for nine years! Although he is no longer watching porn he still does not have that much of a sex drive towards me. I think men that have enjoyed porn like the variety and the cheating aspect of it. My husband likes it when I have different looks and change up my appearance. He has also liked being physical outside. Notice I say physical and not intimate. I find it hard to be intimate because we are not having sex often enough for me to feel a emotional connection. I know that makes no sense to most people. When your needs are not met… When your physical needs that you have no control over are not met it is hard to not have resentment towards the only person that can fulfill them. I believe I could possibly have too much testosterone in my body. I am not sure why I am so much different than a “normal” woman. However if u you are “normal” for a woman with your sex drive or have a over active sex drive it seems not to matter when it comes to a dissatisfying sex life in marriage. It is though total nonsense what you wrote Dan.

    • Laura

      Dan,
      What a joke. Man up and take responsibility for your addiction..

    • --

      Wow. That was the most insensitive line of crap i have heard. And usually these comments are so positive. You just said the opposite of what every article here will tell you. So ladies, act like a porn star and your husband wont watch porn. See? It is your fault after all!

    • Mimes

      Its like you didn’t even read one woman’s comment with the crap you’ve said here, typical male

    • Julie H

      Pornography destroys the trust, safety, and vulnerability in relationships. When emotional intimacy is gone, it is not fair to say that you the woman should lure her husband back to her. As a woman whose 26 year marriage has been eroded from secret porn use, I am telling you that it is horrible for you to blame her. He is the one who put the pornography into his brain, and his bedroom. Women experience trauma and betrayal. There needs to be a coming together equally to understand the effect porn has on both partners. We are trying to save our marriage. We are in counseling and if I hear “ porn is not about you, it’s him” one more time I may just punch my therapist. There should be no secrets in marriage or committed relationships. I discovered by accident recently that my husband had never stopped. Raising kids, one of them severely disabled, I thought his distance was because of his anger. I am currently trying to find confidence but most days I feel like I need to lose enough weight to look like those women. But I can’t. I’m not a prude. We started sleeping in the same bed again in Nov. I am still sexually VERY INTO my husband. He says he is too. Tells me all the nicest things. But he doesn’t cuddle me, he isn’t interested in initiating sex, he gets frustrated when I try. I try everything that used to be great with us. Foreplay disappeared long ago because with porn he doesn’t need it. I am trying. And being honest. And he is so distant. We go on dates, we compliment each other, we are proud of our children, and I think I am still an attractive woman. I am trying. But I go to bed most nights feeling lonely with his back to me. He doesn’t even know what emotional intimacy means anymore. Men can watch as much porn as they want thanks to private browsing and secret apps and accounts. But the human being in your bed who loves them, is the one who suffers. If a couple is not having sex because of other issues, they should work together to get over those problems. It’s normal, ups and downs. I am 52. I feel sexier than I was in my 30s and 40s. Vibrant. But he rarely even “sees” me that way. He has been secretly looking at porn since the last time I caught him in 2006. We almost split up. But he made a big commitment to me. I am so busy and he is often very angry and spends a lot of time alone with his phone, iPad etc. I should have known better.

      Don’t assume that every woman needs to pursue her man in better ways and he won’t need porn. Because porn destroys his ability to want her in the same way.

      The couple needs therapy, prayer, and understanding. I think my husband is still looking at porn, trying not to. Says he isn’t. But he is never in the mood. He will flirt with me, and talk about it during the day. But we get into bed, and he is too tired. Rolls over. And leaves all of my needs and desires ignored. Triggering my insomnia, insecurity and betrayal.

    • Sheils

      To the destruction of family, children and finance, we could all let our fantasies take over, but as respectful adults there is control. The sneaky behavior behind the porn and the person you are with this sneaky behavior depicts exactly someone who could not be trusted with your family life and cannot exist.

    • Kelly

      I have been reading all these posts and replies and this is the first time I felt the need to reply. Men looking at porn has nothing to do with their wives not wanting sex as regularly as men. I want sex more often than he does. He will look at porn so he can have sex with me. He also has looked at porn right after we have had sex and he has had orgasm. So I dont buy into the theory that his sexual drive isnt being met.

    • Deborah

      It sounds like you’re making the wife part of the husbands issue. Women have to “draw their husband to them..???”
      This is antiquated crazy religious thinking here. It’s entirely a mans fault for not working on his marriage and controlling his “urges” and honoring a sacred union. We women feel bad enough thinking we’re not sexy or attractive enough to please our man. We certainly don’t need that feeling of anguish reinforced. I don’t blame myself for one moment for my husbands lies and deception. I was a ready, willing, and able loving sex partner in our union. The ruination of our marriage lies with him and him alone.

  3. Kathleen

    This the first of the many things I’ve read in the past few weeks that made me feel like their is any sympathy in the world for a woman who doesn’t want her husband to watch porn. Thank you for taking time to write your thoughts and experience.

    • Ash

      My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and over those years there have been several occasions when I discovered something questionable in his email or in his browsing history. Literally every time I’ve confronted him with what I’ve found, he acts completely clueless and says he has no idea how it got there. He always says I have nothing to worry about and that he doesn’t look at porn anymore (which I know for a fact he used to do before we got married.)
      One time I found an email in his sent folder of pics of a girl, and it looked like he had sent the pics to another email account that was most likely his (similar email address handle to his.) He told me that never sent this email & had no idea how it got there. He told me his regular email account was probably hacked by his video gaming rivals and that he didn’t have any other email accounts that I wasn’t aware of. Likely story?
      There have been a number of incidents like this where it seems like a the evidence is there, but he always has some bizarre explanation for what I’ve found or he just says he has no idea how it got there… everything from porn sites on his phone, to half-naked girls on his Instagram history, to porn-ish videos saved on his Facebook account, etc…
      I guess I’m writing this just to put it out there and see what people think. Is it possible that he’s been truthful to me? Is it possible that these things just randomly happened & he didn’t do any of it? As I’m writing this, I’m pretty sure I already know the answer, but I doubt myself constantly and get so confused about what to believe with him. All I know is that I feel hollow when it comes to my feelings for him– like I know I’m supposed to feel something for my husband, but I just don’t have any feelings at all. Just totally empty.

  4. Kim

    I divorced over 2 years ago and I’m still blaming myself and thinking that didn’t do enough or was enough. It’s so hard to lose belief in the lies because the rejection is so painful. I know that I have to focus on God and not on him. God is the one who truly loves me for who I am exactly how I am. But living on this earth with so many men who feel that same was as my ex did does make it hard to be a strong woman who can ignore all of that negative feedback. Women are told to be strong and be themselves and yet we’re bombarded with “ideal” images in movies on tv and all around us. I’m trying as hard as I can to focus on God and to ignore it all. I wish others would too.

  5. Ariane

    I believed the first four lies completely, which is way more insidious, because I kept telling myself that his problem with me (and the overall problem with our marriage) was simply ME–the internal me, not the external me. I hated myself for not measuring up to being a good Christian wife, even though I did everything I could think of to please God, my husband, and the Christian community. My own sickness was such that I was on a relentless quest to be a near-perfect Christian wife who interceded constantly for not only for my husband, but our five children. In retrospect, I know that I would have never gotten what I so desperately wanted from him, which was emotional and spiritual intimacy. How could I have gotten this from someone who had short- circuited his own ability to be intimate with his heavenly father? The psychological damage that I allowed to be inflicted on me and that I inflicted on myself had everything to do with my personal worth and identity in Christ. I am just beginning to heal after a 25 year ‘marriage’ and the fall-out of a divorce five years ago. You know, in some strange way, I still am blaming myself. That tells you how deep these lies go.

    • I totally understand. I gained weight hoping that my breasts would grow. Then I realized they wouldn’t and now my husband at the time was even less happy with me. I struggled trying to lose weight because I was so depressed. I tried to forgive and forget (like everyone said). He would bring porn into our bedroom and then supposedly stop for several years and then do it again. I looked at my journals and this happened at least 5 times. I wanted to talk to him about it, but he would get mad and so I would wait until he was already mad and bring it up. I get down on myself for handling it wrong. Men like this want you to keep it secret so you suffer alone. They make you think you are the one with problems. I am finding out now that I am divorced and seeing a counselor that many of my feelings are normal. I needed to know my worth without my ex-husband.

    • my husband am I watch porn togetter but only when we are high I don’t like it but it makes him happy and it not offen but the last time we did all he could talk about was how they look we watch one dvd and there was a girl showing a close up of- – – he palse the movie over and over again then ask me how I would feel about being with another women I said no way is this what he wants he tells me its just the drug taking but I can’t seem to get this out of my mine !!!

    • Melanie

      Your post is really touching. However, in my situation my husband has gone as far as to tell me these lies. I’m not the greatest wife and we’ve had challenges in our marriage and porn has been in our marriage for all of our 12 years together. He’d do it, get caught, say he’ll stop because it was just because he was lonely or we fought or something. We’re back at it again when I found a list of his recent porn history and I was so angry the way I confronted him wasn’t the best. But I don’t want the pattern to continue anymore so I’m trying to not give in easily this time. But he’s told me things like if I had been better to him he wouldn’t have done this or he would feel bad about hurting me. We’re at a crossroads right now and it looks like instead of doing the work to win my trust back, he’d rather leave me. So it’s hard not to believe some of these lies when your own husband is reinforcing them.

    • Kay Bruner

      I’m so sorry, Melanie. The blame that you hear is more than likely part of his system of defense mechanisms; he needs to rationalize to himself why he does what he does. He probably even believes it at some level. That doesn’t make it true, though. No matter what you’ve done, he has the option to make healthy choices and he’s not doing that! None of us are perfect, we’ll all make mistakes in marriage. But the way forward is not to blame the other person but rather to acknowledge our choices, take responsibility, and take action to do better in the futhre. For 12 years, your husband hasn’t been able to do that. You might appreciate this short animation on defense mechanisms, and this one on gaslighting. Knowing what’s happening helps us respond without confusion, guilt, or fear.

      I would suggest that you consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process emotions and create those healthy boundaries. The online group Bloom might also be a good place of support.

      Peace to you, Kay

    • Rowen

      In response to the “teen porn is not child porn” comment….sometimes it is. Porn sites have no regulations and they make a great amount of money from trafficking. Some is consensual and some isn’t you never know what you’re watching. Even “verified” actresses are found out to be underage and trafficked. The women in the industry are just as much victims as the women who are continually betrayed by their husbands who watch them. I think not only is it wrong for a man to go behind his woman’s back to watch porn but it’s also a disservice to femininity as a whole when most men nowadays know the porn they view has a 50/50 chance of being consensual or being abuse. And even those “consensual” videos men think they’re watching are showing men a completely backwards idea of women and sex in general. It’s sad. And the industry profits off intentionally hurting women and getting men addicted to images that are in no way accurate of what sex is.

  6. Kerry McGrath

    This isi exactly what needed. I thought I was the only wife who dealt with this. Thank you for sharing.

    • Iva

      No you are not. I pray that you strength your self in God and his live for you through Jesus Christ. The problem of Porn dont come alone, it’s hard to deal with the consequences of it in the marriage… May God bless you.

      I

    • Janie B.

      This has been helpful to see that I am not alone in this. Just recently I broke down because I found on my husbands phone porn sites and lots of them in the history. I thought we had settled this a few years ago when I discovered his porn tendencies and expressed my desire that we should separate because I did not feel I was enough for him. He went through the apology route and told me how much he loved me and he would not hurt me like that again. I struggled thru mother’s day weekend on how to approach him again. We went to visit both our mother’s over the weekend and I had to keep control and not break down in front of our families. When we got home Sunday night, I just could not hold it together anymore the “everything is ok” deal I went to take a bath and collect my thoughts on how I was going to address my discoveries. He came in the bathroom a few minutes later and found me crying. He pushed for us to talk immediately, but I told him we would talk later because our son (age 9) was still up and the conversation we needed to have was not something I wanted our son to over hear. I could see panic in his eyes at not knowing what the discussion was going to be about so he rushed to have our son get ready for bed (which it was time for him to get ready for bed anyway). When we kissed our son good night we went down stairs and I started the conversation with letting him know that at first I was very angry and then that turned into sadness because I realized I was not enough for him and told him I didn’t think I had ever been. I’m not a skinny person and I could never be those women he searched for and watched. He then told me that I was wrong that I was enough for him and then he said that he had been having ED problems and he was searching for answers as to why this was happening and said the sites with the medications have links to such sites (which for some reason he at this point I think he thinks I’m dumb) I’m crushed by this of course. He tries to reassure me that I am everything to him and in no way has he ever cheated on me, but to me he may not have physical contact but I still feel betrayed and that in someone he did cheat. This as you can imagine is not a pleasant or easy conversation to have. I’m at a loss, I want to believe him but when I look back on our past and his weakness as he called it this has been happening for years. We have been beee married for 17 years, but together for 24 years in all. I don’t know what to believe from him anymore. I our sexlife has not been great. It used to be but then it dimished to once a week and then maybe once or twice a month. I am not one of those wives who does not enjoy sex, because I do. I love being with my husband. He said he tried to tell me some time ago about the ED problems but he wasn’t really clear on the issue. He would say his mind is all for it but his body wasn’t. He tells me that my appearance does not matter, that he loves me for me on the inside and out. But my question is if it doesn’t matter then why would you be looking for skinny women? He then tells me that it’s like what our paster said it’s not real. But it is REAL even if you think it’s a fantasy it is real because they are real people and you are watching LIVE cams. I fell lost and frustrated and heartbroken. I just not sure what we should do next. I doubt he would go to counseling. I don’t know truth anymore.

    • Lisa Eldred

      First things first – understand that your husband’s problem has nothing to do with you. I know nothing of his personal situation, of course, but it may be that he stumbled across porn as a kid and has been living in secrecy for so long that he doesn’t know how to handle it anymore. It’ll be hard, but I’d also believe him when he says he loves you; men tend to be good at compartmentalizing, and he probably thinks of his porn use as something completely separate from his relationship with you.

      Of course, even if you believe him, that doesn’t mean that you should just accept his behavior. You’ll want to set boundaries for your healing and conditions for your marriage with the goal of reconciling to him and strengthening your relationship. Start by reading Porn and Your Husband, which will give you a starting point for boundary-setting, among other things. You may also want your husband to read it; we’ve heard stories from men who have read it and had a much better understanding of how their porn use was hurting their wives.

      You also mentioned ED problems. Many porn users have reported ED as a result of porn use; abstaining from porn helped fix it. I’d have your husband read The Porn Circuit for a better understanding of the changes porn makes to his brain chemistry and biology.

      Stay strong, and cling to God! He’s brought many marriages through this, and they’ve come out stronger in the end. I pray that the same will be true for you.

    • i accidently discovered my husband watching porn, it wasnt the porn that hurt me it was the fact that he looked at me in the eyes and lied. i trusted him with everything i still do but my feelings have changed for. we have only been married 6 months and he downloads it to extreme, he now knows its out of control and is trying to do something about it bt while i wait im going into depression, i feel shit about myself when before i was very confident, his opinion matters to me, i get jealous. the more he watches porn the less i feel anything im turning into a stone, my feelings are changing and i dnt want it to change. he did other things which i didnt know before the wedding, i wish he would just come and tell. whatever happened was his past but i have the right to know im gona be spending the rest of my life with this man that i thought i knew when in fact i had no idea. he said he was gona do something about it and the next day he downloaded another 200 videos. i need help, i cant talk to anyone about it and i have told him its killing me, i cried, upset over it for weeks and he doesnt even care. what do i do, i actually attempted suicide even looked for poison bt couldnt get my hands on it., he says he loves me so why does he watch it? it has only been 6 months? i dressed up for him every friday which he said not to do anymore, where am i going wrong,, i knw its not my fault bt it hurts. i have known this secret for 3 months and every day it just kills me little by little. when i go to my parents for the night he masturbates to it now to me thats cheating, why cant he see that? why doesnt he care about me i never forced him to marry me? why cant he just stop watching it for my sake, when is that day gona come when he puts an end to it, is it ever gona come? i hate it when someone tells me every man watches it coz i know for a fact they dont. i am planning on never having kids coz i never want another human being to go through what i am going through, it may seem small but when the person u love does something to hurt u it kills and is the worst pain ;(

    • Kay Bruner

      Hey there. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re in right now. I’m glad you found us here and had the courage to write in. I want to tell you that, as terrible as this pain is right now, you can absolutely find healing and hope. Whatever your husband chooses, healing is there for you.

      First and foremost, I am concerned about your level of pain, and the isolation you are feeling. I want to make sure that you are getting the support that you need as you walk this journey. I would recommend that you look for a counselor in your area and begin meeting with that person immediately. Also, I think you would benefit from a spouse support group at Pure Desire (if that’s available in your area), xxxChurch, Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Celebrate Recovery. I would also encourage you to think about who you can talk with about this–some safe friend or family member who can support you through it.

      I know you know that this is NOT about you! It sounds to me like your husband has had this habit for a long time. It’s not about how you look or how you behave or how sexy you are. This is about HIM. And it will be up to HIM to change it.

      With the level of use you are describing, it sounds like your husband will have a LOT of work to do! I would hope that he (1) gets his internet filtered, monitored, and generally cleaned up right away; (2) gets into a group like Pure Desire, xxxChurch, Sex Addicts Anonymous–anything really to help him be accountable on a regular basis. He would probably benefit from personal counseling as well. It will be a tough battle, no doubt, and it will be up to him to commit to that and do the work.

      Here’s an article I wrote a while back about what it looks like when a guy takes responsibility for himself, and here’s a listing of more articles for women with questions like yours. And here’s the link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their experience in recovery with their husbands.

      I hope some of those things help you consider a healthy way forward in this. I’m praying for you right now, that you’ll find exactly the right connections to help you through. Please keep in touch and let us know how we can help further. Blessings, Kay

    • melisa

      I know the feeling my husband does not even ask me if I want to have sex if he wants any he just gets in pissy mood and when I ask what’s wrong says I am going watch porn if you got problem with it oh well I then even go as far as say ok why not have sex with me while watching and he says what I have to have sex with you or I can’t watch it so not sure how to feel havesexhe usually just goes to bed pissed at me or what he’s porn either way I am left out and feeling like I am nothing to him

    • Kay Bruner

      I’m so sorry, Melisa. I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process these painful emotions and also work on healthy boundaries. You can read more about boundaries here and here. Your marriage relationship should reflect your value as a person! Peace to you, Kay

    • Karein

      I too, am struggling with how to trust. I have no one to talk to, because I don’t want to put thoughts of horrific imagery and unending heartache on anyone.

    • Kay Bruner

      Hey there. You might appreciate the website, Bloom, where you can join private forums with other women and also take recovery classes and find lots of great resources. Peace to you, Kay

    • Kimberly Sauls

      not changed and maybe won’t ever.My biggest problem is realizing I did all of these things, made him number one even made a fool of myself trying to dress up as a hot schoolgirl, and even though I see it all now I am lost with 5 children endured his addictions, his abuse mental and physical and have no self esteem , feel like I have lost myself and I am trying to find my out of this depression but it’s hard and unless people have been through it you can’t understand it,he thinks I can just get over it but after 15 years of pain and sticking by someone for them to turn on you and make claims so that they don’t feel guilt is enough for me to know it time for a divorce. I was never perfect but I was sure close to perfect in loving him but you can only take so much ,until you get to a place that makes you realize , maybe he doesn’t deserve me,maybe it’s time I love myself and be me not just Roberts wife. I could never love anyone else he has my whole heart forever,but Id rather be alone and able to enjoy this beautiful world with my kids , Life is short you know.I’m do tired of seeing women torn not changed and maybe won’t ever.My biggest problem is realizing I did all of these things, made him number one even made a fool of myself trying to dress up as a hot schoolgirl, and even though I see it all now I am lost with 5 children endured his addictions, his abuse mental and physical and have no self esteem , feel like I have lost myself and I am trying to find my out of this depression but it’s hard and unless people have been through it you can’t understand it,he thinks I can just get over it but after 15 years of pain and sticking by someone for them to turn on you and make claims so that they don’t feel guilt is enough for me to know it time for a divorce. I was never perfect but I was sure close to perfect in loving him but you can only take so much ,until you get to a place that makes you realize , maybe he doesn’t deserve me,maybe it’s time I love myself and be me not just Roberts wife. I could never love anyone else he has my whole heart forever,but Id rather be alone and able to enjoy this beautiful world with my kids , Life is short you know. down by men ,don’t be like me and wait 15 yearsfor an ounce of care or adoration from a man that isn’t capable of real love , if you face this and he doesn’t respect you enough to go to counseling,or stop,or try to make you feel better after showing true remorse than he never will and it gets worse ,did for mine he quit his job, he started abusing me,he started looking and younger and younger girls etc. Talk to someone or get counseling,I hid my problems and never had anyone but him and it can make you lose your mind and get trapped in a depression you can’t crawl out of, I pray for anyone struggling with this issue or similar I know how painful it is and you are NOT ALONE, reach out ,it’s his problem not yours you are beautiful and don’t let any man make you feel like you are not

    • Rock Burn Rinse

      Teen porn is not child porn. They are usually in their 20’s, they just use “teen” to describe young adult women. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, just that it’s not child porn.

    • Deborah

      All of you are living my life. I’m 72 and married my second husband 13 years ago ( he’s now 76) but we’re together 27. I waited until my kids were grown and out to marry him. He wanted marriage, I did not but my children loved the idea of us married so we did it. As I look back it started long ago. The glances at women, the young girls on the beach, waitresses in cafes, etc. but 8 years ago he started having trouble performing. He went to his dr and came home depressed. Dr told him he had ED and gave him viagra. I begged him to find an alternate solution… herbs, meditation. OTC supplements, and a therapist. We had an unreal sex life for many years. I was extremely attractive and my shape was very sexy. I say this not to brag, but to make a point that even if you look like a sexy superstar with a rock
      Hard body to die for…. That husband will still watch porn. To continue, my gut was telling me somethings wrong so I kept asking him if he was watching porn. He denied every single time. Swearing on our granddaughters life if you can believe it. To condense all this instead of writing a novel, this went on for months. He could barely have sex with me even with the Viagra. I cried continually and one morning I came downstairs and there he was at the computer watching his porn. I went insane, and was very ill for many months. I should have been hospitalized. We went to several therapists,he had individual
      Specialized therapy for this. He even swore up and down he never masturbated during porn. Even lied to the therapist who told him to come clean for the sake of his marriage. He didn’t. Fast forward 8 years later, we have sex, it’s not great, he needs viagra, I’m not in any way in love with him , not even attracted to him but we have family, investments, and we travel a lot so at my age I stayed. Didn’t want a second divorce at this point. The interesting thing is he’s continued to say he doesn’t masturbate…. Lol. This morning I came down to the kitchen for coffee and there he was, jerking off. I scared him and started to get angry and what do you think he says? “ I’m
      So horny for you , I can’t wait for sex tonight, it’s still so good with you, I was just holding and stroking it a little , I wasn’t masturbating”. So ladies, these men are lying dirtbags. If you can do it, get out now before you end up 72 with a lying deceitful shitbag. I’m sad this morning but not having a mental breakdown like I did years ago. He ruined our marriage with his lies and selfishness. He’s a narcissist and a lying pig. An old man still looking at young girls.

    • Kay Bruner

      I’m so, so sorry for the reality that you’re living with. I’m so glad that you have been able to separate his behavior from destroying your mental health. You deserve more than lies and deceit.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  7. As you have so powerfully put it, pornography is a lie.

    I think most men know it is not healthy to watch porn. However, most men started their compulsion with porn in their teen years. Before the brain has had a chance to fully developed is the time that most addictions and compulsions are formed. Unfortunately, these habits follow men into their adulthood.

    I think if you ask men, that regularly watch porn, if they have tried to quit porn. I think most would say yes. And most likely they have tried numerous times.

    If a man is given effective strategies and activities on how to quit porn, they would most like want to try. The challenge is trying to convince the man that it is possible.

    Good luck with your efforts.

    • Jaime

      My husband thinks that I am wrong for asking him to stop watching porn. It simply makes me feel insecure. I feel like he looks at women as pornographic images. He imagines them naked.

      He loves looking at petite teen porn. I am 36 years old, tall, and chunky. How can I compete?

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Jaime,

      You shouldn’t have to compete. You are a whole, beloved, valuable person, no matter what size, shape or age. You should be in relationships with people who are capable of treating you with the respect you deserve as God’s precious image-bearer.

      I think you’ve got to consider your boundaries. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in, with a grown man who looks at naked children for fun? (I’d call the police, myself.)

      Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Seriously, if he’s downloaded child pornography, that is a felony. Don’t be an accomplice to a crime.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

    • Cheryl

      I want to say to young women that you are so much more deserving than this. I know there are financial and family concerns that seem like reasons you can’t leave. I’m just so saddened that years upon years and decades of this kind of pain will erode you to exactly what he sees you as – nothing.
      I made a huge mistake and remarried 9 years after my great love and soulmate and husband passed away. I knew hardly anyone gets to live and be loved as we did each other. It was 4 years after his death that I met the porn and sex addict and stupidly moved in with him and lived as married. We married 2 years ago mostly because I needed a more respectable relationship and he (a supposedly very religious man) said marriage to him meant fidelity.
      I am bitter. I know I’m old to him and he was never in any way attracted to me. Here’s what they’ll do to us, though. He would say I’m an Amazon, a freak, even HUGE, because I’m 5’6″. He must have young females under 5′ tall to be aroused. And is he ever! Public places he will relentlessly flirt with young waitresses in a very sexual way. I am appalled at young women, who respond to this attention. He charms people. He has no male friends. He would not even go back to a very qualified & well-liked physician because she was in his opinion too fat and he wasn’t attracted to her. Everyone is sized up as a potential sex partner and deemed a person of value if he wants her.
      I have saved about enough to make my way out of this. I just want to say if you’re young you have your whole lives ahead of you, far better without such a rotten, self-centered man – no man at all if you can’t find a decent, good human being who knows how to love. I had that for 31 years of my life. I will be with him again, and trying to escape extreme loneliness and grief was never worth this humiliation.
      God bless all of you. Please leave these sick individuals to each other. They are simply TOO flawed and beyond help. One wasted life is better than two.

  8. AJ

    I read this right after falling into the quick and easy temptation of porn. I’ve struggled with this off and on through my young adult life. I realize after reading this that I am becoming that self absorbed shadow of a person that you described. I do try to love my girl and I try to stay away from porn but it still comes back. I can easily see myself falling further down the path of caring only about me. I realize that, subconsciously, I want a care free woman. I suppose I can put that down to the times in my earlier years when women turned me down or even cheated on me, but the responsibility is mine. Having a carefree woman that I don’t need to be concerned of may be a weird fantasy, but there is nothing of love in it. I want to be a loving man. I don’t care if I have to chuck my laptop out the window I want to be a loving man. The internet makes this sin soooooo easy. There is nothing technology can do to prevent my finding these images. But the responsibility remains mine. I pray that God show me how to ditch this habit for good, not just for a month or two intervals. Thank you for sharing the horror of what you went through, it may have prevented another horror from happening.

    • Betterlife

      I knew I needed to give up porn also. The hardest part for me was the images that were left behind. I would go to that mental bank in my mind and view them as needed :( I found God calling me to pray…as soon as a pornographic image came to mind I would pray for that person, particularly the woman in the situation. God changed me through this he healed me and still is healing me. I pray frequently for those that are caught up in prostitution, which is what pornography is, and my perception has changed, porn no longer sexually arouses me. Thank you God!!! I am a woman. I was introduced to pornography at a very young age and I have struggled with the addiction on and off for years. I can say I am free now. Prayer works and when you begin to view the temptress/tempter as another one of Gods lost souls you can feel differently about them love them in the way Christ commands us to love one another! Praise God! He is amazing and he can save those that are lost we are called to pray for them!

    • Edna

      I am living the nightmare.. my husband watches porn… has toys… dating sites.. like craigslist.. I am ashamed to say.. reading his emails I found him also a cross dresser.. he enjoys sex with multiple partners.. almost 3 years.. since I found out and won’t stop.. he has done this for years.. but I have lost my mind .. I guess he is bisexual.. but I c it more gay.. thank you for listening!

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Edna,
      I am so so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. I would suggest that you find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process these emotions and consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in these circumstances. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries to help you get started. You can also find great resources for support online at Bloom. No matter what your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole, just for you. You don’t have to lose your mind; you can make healthy choices for yourself, and I hope that you will.
      Peace to you,
      Kay

    • Diana F Lunde

      Do it chuck it out the window
      It will save ur manhood and soul

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What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters…

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Rebuild Your Marriage

Porn Counterfeits Naked Marriage: With Dave and Ashley Willis

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters…

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