If your husband watches porn, you’re not alone. Statistics show that MANY husbands are regularly watching pornography. Up to two-thirds of men, including married men, consume porn habitually.1 Read these comments on our blog:
“I overheard my husband watching porn in the room, when I entered he hid his phone under the pillow and pretended to be sleeping. What does that mean? Why did he do that?”
“My husband developed erectile dysfunction at age 52 and I just assumed it was because of his long history of high blood pressure and/or blood pressure medications … I didn’t know he was still addicted to his porn for over 25 years!”
“I loved my husband. Never refused sex and eagerly participated and initiated. I greeted him at the door with a smile … I read books and articles on how to be a loving and respectful wife. I did my best not to complain. I lost all my baby weight and kept my figure … And he still looked at porn and refused me sex.”
These are just a few of many. Whether you caught your husband watching porn or you’re just trying to understand why he uses it, keep reading.
Should I be concerned my husband watches porn?
If you ask the internet, you’ll find many people trying to convince you that porn is no big deal, that everyone uses it, and that you just need to understand why he does it, accept it, or maybe even join him watching.
But we’ve heard from enough wives to know that this answer doesn’t cut it. Furthermore, we’ve spoken with THOUSANDS of men who recognize they shouldn’t be watching porn, who feel bad about it, and really want to stop (even if they feel like they can’t).
Even if you don’t have a moral problem with pornography, you should be aware of the effects. For more, see Porn In Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (And How to Heal).
I’m angry my husband watches porn—is this justified?
If you’re a Christian, the Bible actually teaches that porn using porn is a form of adultery. If you’re angry about your husband’s porn use, you’re not being old-fashioned or unreasonable. Pornography isn’t a normal part of relationships. You probably feel hurt and confused as to why he would want to do this.
If your husband lies about his porn use, that’s also concerning. A strong marriage requires trust and honest communication. You can’t have that if someone is lying.
My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?
If you’re concerned that your husband might be addicted to porn, here are a few signs to watch out for.
Disinterested in Sex
A common sign of porn addiction is a lack of interest in real sex. While some psychologists argue that men watch porn because of a hyperactive sex drive, researchers who study the issue—as well as the painful experience of thousands of wives—recognize the very different reality. The comment we saw earlier from a wife whose husband refused sex represents this.
In many cases, this disinterest comes from porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Many men who have watched porn for an extended amount of time actually lose the ability to perform sexually without porn. For more, see Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn to Sex With Me?
Emotionally Distant and Withdrawn
When people are hooked on porn, they often become emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from the people around them, especially their spouses. Some men default toward emotional distance, and there may be a variety of reasons for this other than porn. However, porn often contributes to this behavior.
Different Sexual Preferences
Numerous studies show that pornography can change sexual preferences and may encourage an interest in violence, fetishes, or other extreme sexual behaviors. If your husband pressures you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with, this could be porn’s influence.
For a more complete list, check out 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?
What to Remember if You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
Maybe this is the first time you’ve caught him using pornography. Maybe you’ve caught him many times and have finally reached the breaking point. Maybe he’s even gone so far as acting out and having an affair. Maybe he’s belligerent, insisting, “It’s no big deal” or “It’s your fault I need it.” Or maybe he claims to be repentant but doesn’t seem to be taking steps to stop.
- See related: 10 Ways You Can Help Your Husband Leave Porn Behind
Remember you are not the problem.
If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the real roots of the problem.
Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This cutting question can be difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.
However, your husband’s porn is not your fault. There are many examples of men married to world-renowned beauties who were still addicted to porn. Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni are celebrities famous worldwide for their physical appearance, and both were married to alleged porn addicts.
- See related: Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?
Pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others and to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But you could be a world-famous super-model, and you’d still be unable to compete with the constant variety and novelty available through porn.
Get help for yourself, then focus on your husband’s behavior.
Right now, your emotions are probably dominated by alternating feelings of anger and helplessness and numbness, and your thoughts are dominated by his use of pornography.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the first step is to look for help and encouragement—for you. Find an encouraging support group, a trustworthy friend, or a counselor. Better yet, get all three!
3 Recovery Stages That Spouses of Porn Users Often Experience
(This section is adapted from our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband).
Just as there are five stages to the grieving process, researchers have identified three distinct stages in the recovery process for a marriage broken by betrayal.
1. Impact Stage
- In this first stage, you will search for an understanding of why this happened.
- Your feelings may be constantly in flux. They may include fear, hurt, anger, numbness, and disbelief.
- You may second-guess your husband’s motive for every behavior, even habitual ones (like checking email first thing in the morning).
- Your husband may not be able to distinguish between appropriate shame for wrongdoing and his pathological sense of toxic shame.
- Your interactions with your husband may be chaotic or intensely negative, leading to more frustration and anger with each other rather than resolution.
- You may begin to re-establish barriers and boundaries (such as sleeping in a different room).
- You both may feel like the balance of power has shifted. You may feel like your husband has proven his power by ruining your relationship, and may lash out destructively against him to regain a sense of control. Your husband may feel like he has no negotiating power.
2. Meaning Stage
- You will begin to search for a more thorough understanding of why the betrayal occurred, such as whether this was a habit from childhood, or whether a traumatic event in the past makes him fear intimacy with you.
- You will look for the necessary information to determine the next steps for your marriage.
- You will begin searching for ways to rebuild trust and intimacy.
3. Moving On Stage
- You will begin moving forward with a new set of beliefs about your relationship and start putting the event behind you.
- You will come to terms with what forgiveness means for you, and how it is connected to reconciliation with your husband.
- You may be required to make changes to your relationship with your husband so that it can continue (or end it, if necessary).
- You may still get flashbacks, but they will be less severe and disruptive, and you will recover more rapidly from them.
What to do next when your husband watches porn
1. Pray, seeking God’s wisdom and comfort.
Jen Ferguson is a wife who faced the pain of her husband’s porn addiction. She writes:
“God doesn’t want prayer to be our last resort. He desires to be at the forefront of our marriages, and prayer keeps Him in this rightful space. It also keeps us in our rightful place—the place where we’re not the ones in control, but He is.”
Don’t make prayer a last resort! Pray for yourself, your husband, and your marriage. God can do incredible things.
2. Find a supportive community.
As a wife whose husband watches porn, you need to know that you are not alone. There are many hundreds of thousands of other women who have faced the exact same struggles. We said this already but it bears repeating: Take the steps to connect yourself to a group of like-minded women who can encourage and support you on the journey.
3. Take advantage of free educational resources.
A spouse’s porn problem can be confusing and complicated, but fortunately, it’s no longer difficult to learn more. At Covenant Eyes, we’re committed to equipping you with resources for the journey.
Check out our free ebook, Porn and Your Husband (linked below). It’s packed full of information about porn addiction, along with practical encouragement and more detailed steps you can take to help yourself and your husband.
- See related: The Best Books on Porn Addiction And Recovery
4. Talk to your husband and ask questions.
If you haven’t already, you need to talk to your husband, but these conversations can be challenging. Be prepared to do two things. First, tell him how you feel. Explain how his porn use affects you and how it hurts your relationship.
Second, ask him questions and be prepared to listen. Some questions you might ask are:
- When were you first exposed to pornography?
- How long has this been a struggle?
- What steps are you going to take to be accountable?
5. Establish healthy boundaries.
Your husband’s porn addiction isn’t your fault, and that should encourage you. But it also means you can’t fix him or force him to change. While you can certainly encourage him and establish consequences, ultimately, he needs to decide for himself that he needs to quit porn. This means healthy boundaries are a must!
Counselor Kay Bruner offers some helpful advice in her article on Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction.
1Proven Men Porn Survey (conducted by Barna Group), located at https://www.provenmen.org/2014PornSurvey/ accessed May 23, 2022.
I just have a simple question for the writer of this post. What did you do about these things? Were you still being intimate with your husband when he was indulging in porn? Did you guys do couple counseling? Or did he? What steps did he take to get free from this other than prayer and what did he do to reestablish trust between you guys?
April wrote a fairly detailed account of her story in our book, Hope After Porn.
Sorry for all the typos, I’m using Swype.
Huh, my husband is laying in bed next to me at this very moment looking at porn. He said he had a problem with it but he makes no aren’t to change. We have recently gotten back together after I fired for divorce last year from his cheating. My fear is that the porn week lead him back into another women’s arms… to put it politely. How can I approach him about it without him getting defensive? It’s like he’s so callous to my feelings to be doing it right in front of me! We’ve been married for 17 years and have 2 teenage kids. A boy and a girl. Help! I want to save my marriage but I want to save me as well.
I suggest you both read two of our e-books. The first is Porn and Your Husband. It will give you practical tips on setting boundaries…and if he also reads it, he might glean insight into how his porn use is hurting you.
Make sure he in particular reads our e-book The Porn Circuit as well. He may not realize it, but his porn use is changing the way his brain works, so seeing the science may give him a wakeup call.
This goes to Dan… You say I should be sexually available to my husband. I can only laugh out loud. I’m available 24/7 to my husband unfortunately he can’t perform sex with me because he can’t get hard without porn. There’s nothing I can do to turn him on. Only the images of porn can give him a hard on. So how exactly does ‘being available’ make him stop watching porn?
It’s called porn-induced erectile dysfunction and many young, healthy men suffer from it. He’s trained his brain to be only turned on by porn. He has to abstain from porn and retrain his brain if he ever wants his sex life back.
Hey,
So I came to this website because I am very interested about if men can just STOP watching porn? My husband and I have been married for 2 years, in the begining we had a couple problems and after we had been married for 6 months he watched his last video. So he says. My husband is wonderful, trustworthy, faithful and caring. He loves me and speaks kindly to me and values me and everything I say. He does whatever I ask and is still very happy. What I wonder is, even though we are happy could he still be lieing to me? He knows if I knew id probably leave him for a while but do you think its possible for a man to just stop? That he could really love me enough to just stop? He doesn’t have a very high sex drive but still makes love to me about 2 times a week, not sure If its low T or what, but growing up sex was everything to me and he grew up in a Christian house so I feel like he could be telling me the truth and hasn’t been watching, but I just want some opinions or if anyone has experience, could he of really stopped? I don’t want to have such high hopes if he really is lieing and then be heartbroken. And some people will probably find me very silly to ask these questions when it sounds like our marriage is so great, I’m just very curious because I know how many people have such big problems with it, can’t believe how he could just stop!
Not knowing the depths of his previous porn-viewing habits, it’s really hard to say. Can a man just stop and not look at porn (intentionally) again? Yes. Could he be lying? Yes. I’ve known many men in both situations. How frequently was he looking at porn a couple years ago?
There are a variety of reasons why a man can have a lower-than-average sex drive: stress, anxiety, low dopamine levels, specific medications, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure. Plus, many men have a drop in testosterone as they age. According to Dr. Harry Fisch, married people under 30 have sex about twice a week, on average (so you may be experiencing fairly average). Porn viewing can also be a cause of low libido.
There’s no harm in continuing to build trust in your marriage. If you see an area where there could be more transparency, talk to him about it.
In the end, relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. People can (and will) let us down. Sometimes, they will betray us and it will hurt like nothing else. But as Christians we don’t enter into marriage with guarantees of unshakable bliss. We enter into marriage with the faith that God will use all the ups and downs of marriage to make us holy. It’s only when we stop putting our spouse on a pedestal, expecting them to be our security in life, that we can finally rest and enjoy the good gift that marriage is.
Porn has become so all consuming and socially acceptable, it’s permeated so much of the media and culture that people assume to consume these highly produced images of multiple women is not only acceptable but even “natural”, which is a laugh.
I can tell you now, your husband watching porn has nothing to do with your worth, and everything to do with his lack of control over impulses and internalized disrespect toward you and other women. I am young and have had modeling offers more than once in my life, im “sexually available” to my husband, im usually considered to be very attractive according to the conventional ideals, and he still looks at it anyway. I downright refuse to accept excuses of the nature of “well these women mean nothing to me, it’s just a fantasy”. well I don’t want to be with a man who can look at women in such a way as that he sees people who he uses images of to “get off” as being less than human, because what’s going on in porn, which is usually very staged and painful/traumatic for the woman involved, is REAL. that woman is a real person too, and the industry behind what he consumes treats these women terribly. There’s no amount of money in the world that can make the trauma of being humiliated and even raped on film and having that distributed all over the internet for anyone to see, for anyone to jack off to and throw way, nothing could make that pain go away. I don’t want to be with a man who sees women this way, or separates those women into a class of subhumans in his mind, as if just because someone makes poor decisions or is in a situation where they participate in porn films, means that he can readily shame them while using their sin to his advantage. No one deserves that.
Inversely, I don’t want a man who sees every woman he looks at in porn as a potential sexual partner who he wishes he could really have sex with, because this is incredibly disrespectful to me and unfaithful. Again if it’s “just a fantasy”, why then does it occupy so much of his time and thoughts? I don’t think it’s healthy to have wide cognitive dissonance between the sex you frequently think about having, and the sex you have in real life. Despite what popular culture would want you to think, these things cannot and should not be divided. It is wrong to commodify sex and intimacy.
I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I know he watches porn almost every day. I don’t think why this makes me or any woman in such a situation uncomfortable really needs much explanation. It honestly makes me want to withdraw from sex and intimacy, knowing he does that. It makes me feel uncomfortable around him and I can’t help not trusting him knowing he turns to porn every day like it’s nothing. No matter what he says I know it influences him, I know it changes how he looks at me and at the women around him. I don’t want to be intimate with someone like that, why would I want to make missed vulnerable to such a person? Why would I want to open up around someone who enjoys looking at images and videos of women being humiliated and exploited every day, someone who is not truly faithful or committed to me as I am to him? It occupies my thoughts so much it debilitates me and makes it nearly impossible to work on my own life. I wish I knew what to do, but I don’t think he’ll ever stop. To not stop doing something that personally hurts me so much when you claim to love me… I don’t even want to think about it
Hi Sylvia. You’ve obviously thought a lot about this. When you talk to him about this, aside from saying that it doesn’t impact how he sees you, what does he say? Have you expressed all of these thoughts to your husband? Does he know how you feel?
I have been with my partner for 7 years, 18 months ago I had gone to bed early as I was unwell, I heard him setting up the laptop and getting drinks of whiskey, he went to the bathroom, I went to the lounge to find all his clothes on the floor, next to his clothes was a scooped jug of margarine and porn on the laptop. I can say without a doubt this chafed me from inside out, the deceit and the horror of the margarine was so discounting to me. I had so much trust in him, we have talked and talked about every subject including Porn so openly. I went crazy and just as has been said my trust in him and who he really is has never recovered. I too see that he looks at all women as porn stars, he perves all the time. We have had so many fights, he says he has stopped but I know he hasn’t. The lies continue, we have split up a few times are now together but the trus is so hard when the person you love is so dishonest. One of the hardest things is not being able to talk to anyone about this as it is so hard to bring up with anyone, you don’t know if they are going through the same, how do you ask. I die inside in silence, I hate what this has done to me, it has destroyed my happy beautiful soul as a person. Silvia I know how you feel.
Hey there, Sam. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in this relationship. It’s going to be so important for you to identify your own healthy boundaries in this situation. Here and here are a couple of articles to help you start thinking about that. You’d probably benefit a lot from a group–S Anon could be helpful, or even Al Anon if that’s available in your area. So many, many women are experiencing this same pain in relationships, but there’s a huge wall of shame and silence around the issue. I think if we can be brave enough to get into a group, that wall of shame and silence starts to fall and we’ll find ourselves in the healing company of others. Peace to you, Kay
I’m going to try to talk to him again soon. I have made a couple of lists so hopefully I don’t forget anything. I just feel like he either doesn’t get it or is too selfish. I have read some more blogs and articles on this site, which helps to reassure me that is not me and I shouldn’t put up with it. It makes me see a real difference in having sex and being intimate. When we have sex, its usually however he wants. Sometimes he does stuff that I don’t like or that hurts a little and he ignores me when I tell him to stop. I have to basically quit moving and firmly say NO STOP. Then he will quit that specific thing and continue sex, which sometimes for me is really hard to do. I worry that when he closes his eyes his is thinking of the women in the porn. I try to be more of what he is looking for but like you said, it doesn’t work and isn’t going to . I just worry if he doesn’t quit, and we ultimately have to split that he will ruin his life. He sometimes acts to quickly without thinking. I don’t want him to be stupid and lose his job or even go to jail. We currently only have one car, which is my car that I’ve been paying when he has and hasn’t had a job. If we split how will he get to work. I worry that this habit of porn he has makes him more likely to cheat in real life should the opportunity arise, which he said he would never do(but he also said he would quit porn). Its like a roller coaster, one day it feels awesome like it should- he loves me and is sweet and our life together feels great. Then, I find the porn and I feel sick to my stomach and disgusted and don’t even want him to touch me. I hate feeling like that, I just want that feeling of being sure within our relationship. I’m worried that eventually even if he quits however long from now, that it might be too late too save our relationship- that I may not be able to feel the same about him like I should.
You sound like you’re wrestling with a lot of important questions. First, I recommend speaking with someone who can give you good counsel that is tailored to your situation. Use this online directory to see if there’s a good counselor nearby.
He needs to know the seriousness of the problem by hearing how it is impacting you. As you said, you’ve already confronted him about it, but it sounds like its time to “up the ante.” He needs to know he stands a real chance of being without you (if only for a short time). You should not feel the pressure to have to perform according to porn standards, and he needs to come to grips with the fact that porn has warped his mind.
This is obviously a delicate topic, and shouldn’t be approached recklessly. That’s why I think you need to speak to someone who can talk you through this situation with wisdom.
I have read this article and all the comments. It makes me feel both better and worse. I have confronted him about his porn and the adult dating/hookup sites I have found. He promised me that he would stop, he said I was enough for him, that he didn’t want to lose me, that even though he made profiles and messaged women(even though the messages “didn’t go through” bc he didn’t pay for the membership) that I meant more to him. Well it slowed down for a while, I even said if he could atleast only look like once a month, not every other day and I said no more hookup sites. He said he woud quit all together bc I was all he needed. Now he is at it again everytime I leave the house for almost anything. So usually atleast 1 a week up to 3 or 4 times a week. I tried being sexier. I tried stripping for him. I never withheld. I’ve tried to be better in the act. Last night just kinda blew my mind. I have a workout class on Mondays. I told him before class that I had “planned” something for after I got home. Which we did, then I find out while I was at class he pleasured himself anyway and even checked out a dating site along with the usual porn. I don’t think he takes this seriously and he seems extremely selfish when it comes to having sex and “his way”. I don’t know what else to do. Every other site says what he does is normal and has nothing to do with me and I shouldn’t worry about it or nag or check up on him. All I can say is HELP. Any and al suggestions welcomed.
Hi Sarah,
I agree that watching porn is “normal,” in the sense that a lot of men do it, but it certainly doesn’t make it right. What is marriage for but to devote yourself to one person, “forsaking all others.” It is a betrayal of your confidence. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
That said, I’m not unsympathetic to his situation. It sounds like porn has got its hooks in him. This is a real problem with many men today: its starts as an occasional pleasures, then a habit, and before you know it you can’t stop. Science is showing today that this sort of this works just like an addiction to drugs and alcohol.
I don’t say that to excuse him. He has chosen his slavery, and now he needs to get help.
It is true that this thing has nothing to do with you. You can act as sexy as you want, but the fact remains is that he’s trained his mind to be aroused in a particular way. The porn-watching experience has become what turns him on: the variety of women, the novelty, the forbiddenness. No woman, no matter how seductive, is going to be able to compete with an online harem.
I say that not to discourage you, but to release the pressure you feel to fix him. This is not your job. Of course intimacy between you and your husband is important, but not as a means to get him to stop looking at porn. That is a road he must travel intentionally.
There’s so much that can be said about him breaking free from this (and you can find a lot of that on this blog). I’d rather focus on next steps for you. I highly suggest you read these articles: “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”
As a married man struggling with a porn addiction my advice to women is in spite of what is going on with his sin, make sure you do not fustrate youur spouse by depriving him sexually, the same goes for the men, make sure your wife is in need of nothing emotionally.