Shelli remembers well the day her husband John called her up to confess his secret obsession with pornography. Years of guilt, shame, and wasted time had finally taken its toll on John, and the emotional dam broke. He knew he needed to tell his wife the truth.
“It took me by complete surprise,” she says, “I didn’t have any clue that it was even an issue.” But after the shock came the hurt. “There was definitely a death of all that I thought was real,” Shelli says. “Everything that we had had prior to that felt artificial…that I was believing a lie, that I didn’t know him, and I didn’t know who he really was, and the way he felt about me was a big lie.”
John and Shelli Mandeville share part of their story on the documentary Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography. Sadly, John and Shelli’s story of a marriage nearly destroyed by pornography and addiction is all too common. In 2002, at a meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the divorce attorneys present said over half (56%) of their cases involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”
Do wives need to lighten up?
In a presentation given at the Witherspoon Institute, Dr. Jill Manning spoke about the impact pornography can have on wives. “It has been troubling and intriguing to me,” reports Dr. Manning, “how many times I encounter derogatory beliefs about this group of women, beliefs that dismiss the magnitude of the issue and the legitimacy of it, by framing them as pathological, overreacting, and frigid women who need to lighten up. ‘After all, he’s just looking?’”
Some women, in fact, have “lightened up.” Not all wives react negatively to their husbands using pornography. Ana Bridges from University of Arkansas’ psychology department says in her own research she has met many women who have justified their husbands’ behavior. “All guys look at porn.” “It’s better than him having an affair.” “At least he’s not always coming to me to get his needs met.”
Bridges labels these rationalizations as “permission-giving beliefs:” things we tell ourselves that make certain behaviors seem normal or healthy. Ironically, it is pornography that often teaches and reinforces these beliefs in the first place. If we receive a steady diet of media that portrays illicit sex as the norm, it is easy to get the impression that “boys will be boys.”
How a woman reacts to her husband using pornography is based in part on what she believes healthy sexuality and relationships should look like in the first place. So, what if, just for a minute, we asked ourselves how our relationships could look if we didn’t live in a pornified culture. What if, for a brief moment, men turned their eyes away from the fantasy images—the airbrushed photos, the clever video editing, the breast enhancements, and the thumbnail images that portray women like dogs in heat—and instead focused on what pornography is really costing them and their wives? Before we quickly label distressed wives as overly conservative prudes, what if we peeled back the layers and instead saw women who were mourning the loss of something they should rightly expect from their husbands: intimacy.
Who says porn is bad for marriages?
John and Shelli certainly understood what porn was costing them. “Accept an impossible appetite and an impossible standard, and it steals from the true beauty of what marriage is supposed to be,” John says. “It’s the perfect theft of growing old together. Who wants to grow old together in a culture where all we honor is what’s young?”
Consider how the research bears this out. Pornography doesn’t teach men to serve, honor, and cherish their wives in a way that fosters romance. Pornography trains men to be consumers, to treat sex as a commodity, to think about sex as something on-tap and made-to-order. As Dr. Mary Anne Layden writes, “It is toxic miseducation about sex and relationships.”
- In Dr. Gary Brooks’ book, The Centerfold Syndrome, he explains how pornography alters the way men think. Because the women in porn are only glossy magazine pictures or pixels on the screen, they have no sexual or relational expectations of their own. This trains men to desire the cheap thrill of fantasy over a committed relationship that requires them to connect to another human being. Pornography essentially trains men to be digital voyeurs: looking at women rather than seeking genuine intimacy.
- According to a study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, after only a few prolonged exposures to pornographic videos, men and women alike reported less sexual satisfaction with their intimate partners, including their partners’ affection, physical appearance, and sexual performance.
- Another study that appeared in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found similar results. When men and women were exposed to pictures of female centerfold models from Playboy and Penthouse, this significantly lowered their judgments about the attractiveness of “average” people.
- Dr. Victor Cline’s research has shown that sexual arousal and excitement diminish with repeated exposure to sexual scenes, leading people to seek out greater variety and novelty in the pornography they view.
- French neuroscientist Serge Stoleru reports on how overexposure to erotic stimuli actually exhausts the sexual responses of healthy young men.
- Dr. Dolf Zillmann reports when young people are repeatedly exposed to pornography, it can have a long-lasting impact on their beliefs and behaviors. Frequently, men who habitually view pornography develop cynical attitudes about love and the need for affection between partners. They begin to view the institution of marriage as sexually confining. Often, men develop a “tolerance” for sexually explicit material, leading them to seek out more novel or bizarre material to achieve the same level of arousal.
Dr. Judith Reisman summarizes it well: Pornography causes impotence—an inability to function with your own sexual power. “If he can’t make love to his beloved,” says Reisman, “If he has to imagine a picture, if he has to imagine a scene, in order to actually reach the heights of completion with this person, then he’s no longer with his own power, is he? He has been stripped. He has been hijacked. He has been emasculated. He has, in effect, been castrated visually.”
We might say the real problem with pornography isn’t that it shows us too much sex, but that it can’t show us enough about what real sex is. Porn treats sex one-dimensionally, packages it in pixels and rips it from its relational context. It titillates with images of sex but cannot offer the experience of real intimacy.
Am I not enough for him?
“It’s not because you’re not enough, not beautiful, and that he doesn’t find you attractive,” Shelli Mandeville says. “It’s so important that women get that.”
Easier said than done. One has only to glance through online forums and blogs on this topic: many women feel his porn use is somehow their fault. They feel they have failed their partners sexually. They feel if they were only more attractive or more available he wouldn’t rush to the porn to get his fix. Researchers have found that wives and girlfriends often feel a loss of self-esteem in these situations.
However, comparing marital intimacy to pornography is like comparing apples to oranges. “The type of pornography that’s available now was never available in human history,” says Dr. William Struthers, author Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain. “If you can get on a 50-inch HD television a picture of a woman engaging in a sexual act, the brain’s not wired to expect that kind of thing, because there aren’t women who have 50-inch-HD-TV bodies out there.”
Even the tabloids show us that the so-called picture perfect women can’t possibly compete with fantasy. Why would Tiger Woods cheat on his swimsuit-model-wife Elin Nordegren? Why would Peter Cook spend $3,000 on Internet porn when he could come home to Christie Brinkley? Why would Charlie Sheen be drawn to a digital harem, being married to Denise Richards?
The answer is that a mind trained for fantasy will find reality dull, no matter how supposedly stunning that reality is. Many men have conditioned their brains with this “digital drug” (as Dr. Struthers calls it). Some men train their minds to be turned to viewing sex from certain camera angles. Others train their minds to be turned on by certain physical characteristics. Others train their minds to expect variety: many images, many women, many physical types. And this toxic training begins for most men at a very young age.
Take John and Shelli, for instance. John remembers seeing porn for the first time when he was 10 years old. That’s when his habit began. “So when you’re 12 and 13 and you’re not married, you think when you become married, that this whole habit you’ve created for yourself will just go away because now you’ll have a sex partner,” John says. “But the problem is, it’s not actually a sexual experience, it’s a fantasy experience that your body gets trained for. So now, the reality of the marriage isn’t the fantasy.”
Feminist author Naomi Wolf puts it best. She believes the onslaught of porn doesn’t increase but deadens male libido, leading men to see fewer and fewer women as porn-worthy. “For how can a real woman…possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?” No woman can compete with this. “Today,” Wolf writes, “real naked women are just bad porn.”
Steps for Guilty Husbands
John Mandeville offers his words of advice to men: “You’re either going to give in and go for it, and sacrifice everything for pixels on the screen, or you make a commitment to what’s real—what’s a real human sitting next to you, and commit to whatever it takes to make that work.” And turning to Shelli he says, “And we had to make that decision together.”
Where do men start in making that commitment?
Accept responsibility. Men often blame their wives for not being attentive enough. Certainly, an inattentive wife can be frustrating to a man, but using this as an excuse for virtual adultery is nothing but cowardice. Counselor Joe Dallas writes, “The wife who is inattentive, indifferent, or downright abusive is responsible forher sins, not his. No woman, no matter how odious, makes her man commit adultery, so if a wife sins, let her account. But let her account for her sins alone.”
Many times men are putting the cart before the horse when they use this excuse. It may not be her inattentiveness that has been the catalyst, rather it may be a sign of him not initiating real romance and true intimacy in the first place. And, of course, other issues affecting intimacy may require professional counseling.
Talk is cheap. Fred Stoeker, author of Every Man’s Battle, says, “You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what ‘trustworthiness’ means to her in your marriage.” What does your wife need from you? She needs more than an apology. She needs to see you are making every effort to change. Ask her what she needs to see from you so trust can be rebuilt.
Be patient. Remember guys, your wife may not understand your attraction to or struggle with porn like you do. And if she has just found out about your struggle, she may be dealing with a whirlwind of confusion and hurt. Just as you desire patience from her as you distance yourself from pornography, give her the same patience. Allow her the freedom to express the hurt she rightly feels.
Get accountability. The late psychologist Alvin Cooper believed that there are three main factors that draw people into the Internet porn: Accessibility, Affordability, and Anonymity. He dubbed this the “Triple A Engine” that drives the digital porn market. Like a three-legged stool: kick out one of the legs and it will fall.
The leg of anonymity is the easiest one to remove. When you remove the secrecy of your Internet use, you eliminate much of the temptation. We do this through accountability: we make ourselves willing to account for where we go and what we see online, allowing trusted friends and colleagues hold us to task on our commitment to stay pure. Use Internet accountability software as a tool in your commitment.
Make real intimacy your end goal. The goal is not simply “quitting pornography.” That, of course, is admirable, but it only leaves a void. What pornography attempts to imitate is what, in the end, we really desire: intimacy with another human being. This is what husbands must strive for in their marriages.
Reclaim what pornography has stolen from you. Choose to break the cycle. Choose to stand for intimacy in a culture drowning in illusion. “So we’re drawing a line,” John Mandeville says, “and whatever it takes, the generation that grows up behind us is going to run where we stumble.”
Love this article. It’s really powerful, and it gets straight to the point with the stories. No repeats. Just a solid blow to the conscious of the porn addict. Excellent job, Luke!
I am so sick of the duality in the issue of sex (mostly within “christianity”) and shallow (hurtful) judgments of bigots. So the overwhelming majority of women will feel low self worth and devalued and undesired if their spouse isn’t disgusted and ashamed by porn… so what? That only speaks ill of what the majority of women are – to wit: the overwhelming majority of men would cheat on their wives if tempted by whatever their attraction is and they knew they could get away with it. Cheers to all you few women who either endulge with their husbands, would never react with shame and disgust if he admitted interest but would work through it TOGETHER, and those for whom it would never be worth talking about because what they REALLY have could never be touched by either one having imperfections. Cheers to you – you have and get to enjoy (not porn – speaking of the most beautiful thing in human existence) what the majority never will. And of course cheers to the few men that never would.
I TRULY wish I could say cheers to you all… ENDULGE! Cheers to the men (and women) who do it behind their partner’s back. Unfortunately the truths behind porn are sick, and unloving – and even the other end of it (viewing) is overwhelmingly addictive, destructive, and well… satanic.
And of course doing anything behind a spouse’s back that would hurt them is a mockery of love and trust.
There is a God, and for once in my life I can say that it’s unfortunate that He is not just – He is Merciful. Yes (bigot) I know He is both, you and your shallow mentality belie the point – that although to those ripped apart by it bigotry and shallow shaming words and heart are FAR sicker than (almost) anything in the realm of sex in the end your sin is as blotted out as the rest should you so desire to choose.
To give all the readers of this that are shallow bigots what they seek (an excuse to put me and my heart’s cry in a box, file it away as “understood” and sickly judge “yup, darkness hates the light”) – but actually more for the very few that might need to hear because of an entirely different heart – here is the oversimplified version: Few, damn few if any, men, have ever felt what I have towards my bride, nor let her in to every thought and part of my heart. Few could – few are like me and even fewer have met such a beautiful soul. And I have lost her, because of porn. Not because of an addiction I was unwilling to face. Not because I was unwilling to “give it up” (or for that matter give ANYTHING) for her sake. But basically because I could never, truthfully, before God, own that it was literally the same thing as adultery (at least in the heart), nor could I honestly, before God, tell her that I would never again be tempted by it. Few will believe or understand this, but it is for those few I really write anyway – I NEVER, EVER in a billion years would have cheated on my wife, nor did I struggle with lust. If I manage to remain alive through this period of my life I hope that I one day will be used to slay the satanic hatred spewed by good-intentended voices within “the church” – but again, to be truthful, I will likely never have the ground to stand on as an honest assessment deems it likely I will drown myself in whatever drug or filth promises to kill the pain, as I confess I simply am weak – but not in the way 90% of you will judge.
Her beautiful soul, for any women that might fall somewhere between the two oversimplified categories of “overwhelming majority” and the few – truly believes she is seeking, obeying and following the Truth, Way and Life. And she is… the best she can. And yet in the mix one of the deepest loves that has ever been between two humans is a casualty – WAKE UP! IN JESUS’ NAME HEED THAT AS A WARNING AND NOT SOMETHING YOU “GET”! If ANY part of your heart doubts your natural (church-endorsed) self-protective oversimplifications and judgments, if ANY part of your heart twinges “but I love him” – FOLLOW THAT VOICE!!! TO HELL WITH THE CHURCH AND WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW – TO HELL WITH ANYTHING ELSE – LIVE FROM THAT HEART – RISK IT ALL – Even if you do it and end up finding you did it to a man that wasn’t one of the few, one that wasn’t worth it – YOU WILL HAVE NO SHAME – AND GOD WILL HEAL THAT HEART… it’s the other choice that rot your heart and succumb to blindness and worse, at least for the rest of this life.
And to any men (and boys) with open hearts – stay away from porn. It’s stupid – but don’t ever judge those that haven’t as if you know what their real sin is, and don’t ever partake in satanic bigotry, oversimplification, and shame – spewing. When hearts are finally revealed you would rather be guilty of the former.
my husband did sports in high school and said most the guys sat in the back of the bus on away trips and watched porn. I feel sad that for most boys, porn is their first ” sex education” . It is like is is over, before it even started.
*conscience
I have been married to my husband for less than a year… only 8 months… and I caught him a few months ago watching porn. I felt so bad… I confronted him. He lied of course and still lies till today. He would deny it over and over again. I have taken his phone and blocked certain wifi access with open dns codes to prevent him from watching porn but at this rate he would stop at gas stations or wherever when he is not with me to watch that filthy shit.
I am 24… My husband is 10 years older than me… I used to be a model in my homeland but none of that matters cause I feel awful… disgusting and ugly because of the porn. I feel I am not enough… I feel he will leave me any moment and replace me just like a thing
I am so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now. While there is not a whole lot we can do for a husband in denial, there is still quite a lot we can do for ourselves. I want to encourage you to find a counselor and a group (S Anon, Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch) where you can process your emotions and be supported in healthy boundaries. You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their experiences and boundaries in recovery. Your Brain on Porn is written for men, but you might find it helpful to understand everything that happens in a man’s brain with serious porn use. I hope those ideas help! Blessings, Kay
So, my significant other watches porn. I do not know how often he does but I have caught this 3 times now. He hides it from me. He knows how I feel about it and he also knows it bothers me and kills me knowing that he gets off to other women. Women of his choosing….women who do not even resemble the same body type as me. Mind you, I have sent him loads of sexy pictures (nude) JUST so he didn’t ever feel like he needed to use porn. However, he still did. Because men need variety right? God men need all of it and F what and how us women feel. Even though I wouldn’t classify his porn watching an addiction it still bothers me nonetheless. The fact that he chose porn over all the images I sent him of myself….HURTS. the fact that he has LIED about it hurts. So for the third time finding out I decided to just let him do it. (NOT THAT I EVER HAD A SAY BECAUSE HE STILL DID IT BEHIND MY BACK) I feeel as though I have to force myself into accepting this and allowing it and being okay with it since its never going to stop and the fact that “every guy does it,” I must not care. I care. I always will. He said he would TRY to stop watching porn. Funny…..because we had agreed to not watch it the first time we had discussed it. So you mean to tell me on the 3rd time you’re willing to actually try? The thing is is why do I have to accept this? Why am I bashed because I do not appreciate my BF finding sexual release through other women?
Hi, Melissa – please take care of you. You do not have to accept that “every guy does it.” You deserve to be treated wonderfully. Here is a great post about boundaries. He needs to man up and think about your feelings.
Best, Chris
Affirmative!
A cliche. It takes all sorts to make this world and all sorts will do as they please. My wife and I are half way discussing my mild(whatever the size) use of porn. We have a pretty good relationship from my perspective. As I heard from my wife not in hers. We have a calm relationship so I didn’t feel shame, as always I heard what she said and I have started to tell her what my thoughts are. This is as far we have got.
Hamish, you are in complete denial. If your wife is discussing it with you, it’s because she is practically dead inside from all the pain you’ve caused her from your addiction. Yes, your addiction. If YOU consider it “mild”, at least you realize it’s there. But in fact, it’s bigger than there, it consumes you and destroys your wife to her core. You need to wake and realize that if you dont stop, you will completely drive her away, either divorce or cheating. And with your behavior addiction, she has every right, in fact, I would applaud her if she did!
Yes, you are right that “all sorts will do as they please”, but just remember, that goes both ways. She can and hopefully will leave you or cheat on you, if you do not get help ASAP. This was posted some time ago, (2011), how’s it going now?
From your perspective, is NOT reality, no matter how justified you feel. If you are posting on this site and have had initiative to look it up and attempt to realize, “mild use of porn” , you know deep down you are wrong and need help.
You have a calm relationship, that’s only because she is so beaten down from it, that she has no other response for coping with this pain caused by your addiction.
You should feel shame, as you are literally killing her slowly, inside. Every Time you watch porn, she dies more, whether she catches you or not.
You say you heard her and what she says…Well what did she say? You didnt give her insight. You only provided your perspective, and defended it. If you actually heard her, and loved her, you would realize the anguish your addiction is causing.
I beg you, for her sake, get help ASAP. Stop the porn immediately, cold turkey, no if ands or buts about it.
If you really love her, do it. Or else leave her and put her out of his misery.
I know this is blunt and aggressive. It’s what you need, your eyes opened.
THANK YOU!! Thank you or putting into words the things that I feel about pornography and for helping me to feel justified in my hurt. It is killing real relationships and I feel hurt to the core for all relationships with porn in the middle, including my own. May God continue to give us grace.
@Liz – Thanks! That was the whole goal of this article. Too many times we hear from women who are made to feel unjustified in their hurt, and both husbands and wives need to understand there are legitimate reasons why they should be concerned about pornography.
I to needed to read this article. I have felt childish in my thoughts of hurt and anger, like I have no right to be upset. My husband would never talk about it with me. He actually lied every time I asked him about it after I found it on his phone. He knows how I feel about those things and he continues to do them. He his a great husband to me with the exception of the porn and all that goes with it. It just makes me feel more normal in my thinking knowing that I am not alone and have a right to feel the way I do.
You absolutely do have the right to feel the way you feel, Angie. I also hope that you’ll put those feelings to good use by finding support for yourself, and thinking about what healthy boundaries might look like for you. Our emotions are signals that something is wrong, and they should help us work toward healthy solutions. Personal counseling can be a good step toward processing emotions well, as can groups: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch. If you haven’t read our free download, Hope After Porn, you might appreciate that as well. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy. Blessings, Kay
Hey I’m a 14 year old guy and I don’t have a lot of money. Is there a way for me to get covenant eyes (or any accountability software) cheap or at no cost?
@Eric – Yes. We actually have a hardship program for people in your situation. Just give us a call and we can give you more details. 877.479.1119.
I would just like to say thank you for all the information. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce, because of his porn use. I have caught him over & over. He keeps telling me he is going to quit. It has been five years now and he has not quit. I love him, but I am better off without him. I deserve better. I did not realize there were that many wives going through the same. Thank you. Darla
I am going through the same thing. I am very sorry you are going through a divorce. I am actually pregnant and expecting our first baby and he is watching pornography, and I threaten to leave him and it doesn’t work. He is very defensive and says I am the only girl in the world that gets offended by this and that I just need to get over it! It’s just not that easy. Especially now when I am extremely moody and sensitive. I just don’t know how to make him stop.
I’m RIGHT where you are Darla. We’ve been married going on 5 years, and I’m at the point of wanting to just leave. I found out exactly one year later what he was doing. It’s crazy because he’s actually a GOOD husband and great father, but this unresolved pornography issue is killing me and I don’t see how I can stand it anymore.
I am in the same boat. I told my husband ” I don’t care if everyone in the world thinks it is ok, I don’t and I am the woman he vowed to love, honor and respect!” Watching porn and lying about it breaks everyone of those vows. I am trying to forgive him and support him in his struggle, but it is not easy. A friend recommended a book ” Every Man’s Battle” she said it helped her husband overcome his porn habit.
i am allways finding him watching porn, 6yrs now,,i used to feel sexy, now i don’t even know how to approach him…we had a wonderful first 6 months of our own intamicy, till he stopped pleasing me,,,so took me a few years, but i’m done pleasing now , cause i bet it doesn’t even please him, i’m not the one’s he fantazising over….he hardly touches me, so i quit too…says he loves me, but,,dunno, that’s a deal brake for me, i feel myself leaving, don’t want to feel like that,,but i know my heart is going away. so sad, cause he is perfect, and can be the perfect lover..must be me is what it’s boiled down to, guess i’m not attactive or sexy enough no more
Don’t tell yourself that, Stella. A man entrenched in porn will never find a woman that lives up to his fantasies, no matter what she looks like. Porn trains men to want a fantasy experience. Porn allows a man to choose whatever kind of woman he wants, however he wants, how every many of them he wants, whenever he wants, customizing her however he wants, all for his own pleasure with no thought of another person’s desires or needs. No real woman is that clickable or customizable.
A man can change, but only if he wants to change.
To Stella – your worth an attractiveness and even how he feels about you have NOTHING, NOTHING to do with this issue. I don’t know him, but regardless please don’t believe THAT lie OR the OTHER: that his struggle speaks to HIS worth or value of you, necessarily.
To Luke – you can’t heal with poison.
I agree. What poison are you talking about exactly?
Darla – I am often told that I am the only female that reacts like I do. I do not believe that to be true. I don’t stay with a man that looks at nudity at all – not just pornography – because nudity is also a form of cheating. I should be enough and all he needs. As should you….
Pornography ruined my childhood, the beginning culprit in being molested and further abused. After years of recovery and pain, it now it has re-surfaced in my “happy” marriage.
To ALL THE BLINDED MEN AND WOMEN who believe it is okay, check statistics on how rape and molesting begins. It also dehumanizes, demoralizes and degrades women to the fullest capacity. It ruins lives and souls. It ruins love and trust. It ruins families and children who need a daddy in the home.
Women crave attention and the feeling we are beautiful and loved, how would those same husbands feel if we innocently “clicked” on websites where another man fulfilled those desires, telling me how much he loved and adored me and I interacted and responded back? …… or maybe I shouldn’t speak so clear about that, it will open another money making door for greedy pigs to feed on human desires without consideration of how many lives it ruins.
The bottom line is- if a website for women like that was out there, I wouldn’t go there….EVER- even if I had a deep urge or desire for it- because of the commitment I made to my husband and God. That’s what the problem is- its that “something” that’s missing. And the fact we were fooled into believing they had “it” too. I dont know how my story will end. I’m sick and destroyed.
I feel the same way. I wouldn’t ever want to do anything that would betray my husbands trust yet he’ll do it to me.
porn has destroyed my marriage. I have been married to the love of my life for 17 years. it gets worse. we now have a sex less marriage ease of his porn use. he will not stop . I love him UT porn has destroyed me. I fell so ugly and disqusting. I really feel like I need counseling to build myself back up from what porn has done to me. I don’t want a divorce but he will not stop. last night I shot his computer 15 times with a block 40 .
Hey Lisa, I agree that counseling, just for you, is a great idea. If you want to stay in the marriage, and you shot his computer? That’s a whole bunch of red flags waving. You really need some help and support to get through this in a healthy way. I recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a good place to look for a counselor. You might also look into a group like S Anon, or I’ve even had clients who found Al Anon helpful if there was no S Anon in their area. Please do get help, just for you. You can heal and be well, no matter what your husband chooses to do. Blessings, Kay
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WONDERFUL SITE AND ARTICLES, however it begun it helps so much with that burning pain in my chest right now. 3 days of hell needed a comfort and u gave me that.
Thanks, Janny. I hope you continue to look around and find more information that is helpful to you.
Lisa, I feel the exact same way. Good for you- I want to take a sledgehammer to his computer! You go girl!
My husband is addicted to pornogrophy and is an alcoholic. I have been trying to help him in both areas but he has refused everything. He is distant, cold and unloving. I have stuck by his side for the last 22 yrs. but I’m at the end of my rope. Our relationship has been one sided, I take care of the bills, the kids, and of course there’s no intimacy of any kind, not even a kiss when he gets home from work. I am a Christian and have been hoping and praying that he will one day repent and want to change. I am bound to him by our marriage covenant and I want to honor God in it, but I honestly would rather live bymyself for the rest of my life than put up with this for the next 20 yrs. I would appreciate any advice on how to help him to repent, or what I could be doing…I feel like I’ve tried it all…but it’s always me trying…I don’t see any hope for us in the future…
Hi, Andrea
Your desperation and exhaustion is very evident in your comment. It is something I have encountered often in the past few years. I’m sorry you have struggled so long without any hope.
I normally don’t do this, but you are exactly who I had in mind when I wrote Redemptive Divorce.
After enduring my own struggle with a wayward partner, I found that I was not alone. Many other believers suffer as you do now. Eventually, I found a biblically sound, legally responsible, grace-oriented way to break this cycle of misery once and for all. I gave this process the name “redemptive divorce.” The book explains everything in detail. The advice is theologically sound, remains true to the face-value, straightforward teaching of Scripture, and offers practical counsel on how to use the courts in a grace-oriented, yet responsible manner.
You can find it here.
Give it a look. Pray about it. Then, let us know what you think, either here or at MarkWGaither.com.
please, leave ur husband, you deserve better, people who we struggle for, who refuse help and or our love don’t deserve a second of our attention! Stupid book not going to fix her husband, u people make money on someones unhappiness and pain, you make me sick!!!
@nohope: you are kidding yourself if you think your next husband will be some kind of a saint. All men struggle with temptations and addictions as do women. We all have fallen short of perfection. At least give him and your marriage a chance to restore itself before throwing in the towel.
More than 20 years trying is too much. We are better alone. He will be better alone and will be able to reflect on things. It is better for the children as well.
Thank you for the encouragement in this issue and the article! I have almost been married a year. We got married very young but have been together for about 6 years. I found out he watched porn when we were a good four and a half years into our relationship and it bothered me then. It was an unresolved issue because it fell on me that I didn’t “want it” enough for him I guess. He has been enlisted in the military and been away from me for a good six months last year. We got married and I now live with him away from all family and the back home friends. I came home from workearly one day to only catch him in the aftermath. Porn gives me a bad bad feeling in my stomach and grosses me out. I feel degraded as a women because I would never ever do the things he watches. He told me he wont watch it anymore but it was just to make me feel better. He hasn’t quit. He is going to Guam in October for 6months and I know for a fact of will be part of his life there and it not only angers me but makes me feel so so uncomfortable. I’m so thankful that I never have to worry about him cheating but I guess his trained fantasy is more than I can compete with let alone control. I’m at a loss…. any feedback would be appreciated, I’m definitely going to keep searching for more information!
Lane
Hi Lane. Yes, I encourage you to look around more and see if you can find any other helpful information. I recommend you download the e-book mentioned above for starters. You are right: “his trained fantasy is more than I can compete with let alone control.” He has trained his mind for a fantasy experience custom-tailored to his own desires. But the fact is no one, especially him, should make you feel as if you have to live up to the unrealistic fantasies created by the airbrushed, acted, and edited world of pornographic media. He is the one who needs to escape the fantasy trap and come back to reality.
I don’t say this to make it sound as if reality is somehow a dull experience. Real marital intimacy can and should be passionate, personal, fun, and joyful. Unfortunately, so many men (myself included) have spent years feeding themselves on the fast food of porn. We’ve become “sexually obese.” Conditioned on this, men don’t recognize the pleasure of sitting down to a fine meal of marital intimacy. Their libido is exploited by this kind of media. Porn makes men into terrible lovers.
If this is something that bothers you (and I believe it should), then first talk to him about how you know he hasn’t stopped. If he said he would stop and hasn’t, he needs to be confronted about this. Then I would talk to him about why him watching porn makes you feel the way you do. I highly recommend these two articles by Mark Gaither on our blog. They will offer you some insight about how to talk to him: “What’s wrong with a little porn?” and “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?“
Great article. Thank you. Very informative. As i have been looking for answers why my partner of 7 years is quiite addicted to porn or anything that has to do with sexy / flirtatious women in their bikinis etc. For years i have been looking for answers…i was under the impression that i am the one with a problem, he told me i had to chill out and stop being so insecure. This is not an issue of insecurity. I told him one day…he should just be on his own so he can do al the things he wanted and make all those fantasies come to reality. He is in his 50s but he like very young women ..those women in the porn/mags etc.
I am ready to move on anytime, just waiting for the right time. If i am destined to be on my own..so be it . rather than be with a man who gets excited or amused by looking at other women porn or not.
Hi Leigh. Glad you found it informative. I pray your husband comes around soon.
Am 26, your husband sounds like mine, 4 years I feel I should run for my dear life.I delivered my second baby two months ago, I didn’t heal well & had to go back to work, I still am bleeding & caught him watching porn, when I was 4 months pregnant I saw on his Facebook messages to another woman telling her how he can’t stop thinking of her & they need to be more than friends,,am sick of it
I think it’s so, so important to consider what healthy boundaries would look like in a situation like this. Here’s a basic article on boundaries that might help. You might also appreciate the book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Have a look at those things and let me know what you think–Kay
I am 27 and unfortunately grew up watching porn. I have realized and admitted I have a problem to both myself and my fiancé. I was around the age of 13 when I first discovered the relationship ruining pornography. It has caused so many problem within my relationship/family! The biggest problem being: I love my fiancé T*****y more than anything in this entire world….if only she could see, or believe that. Porn has made her feel our relationship is fake or fraudulent. I know my love for her is strong and real, but she does not. Pornography has indeed ruined my life! I hope and pray there is time to rebuild and fix what porn and I have broken….trust, respect, compassion and love.
I NEED HELP, ADVISE, COUNSILING, ANYTHING….PLS I don’t want to lose her!
Hi Jacob. Thanks for your comment. I sense your desperation and I challenge you to take big steps to regain your fiancé’s trust. I would ask her specifically what rebuilding trust might even look like. It will probably involve steps taken to cut off your relationship with pornography and steps taken to build intimacy with her. She may not even be able to answer your question easily, and if she doesn’t know what to say, then make an action plan yourself. Cut off all porn access points. Tell her you plan to get to the bottom of your addiction to porn and then take steps to get that help. Tell her you will do this because it is the right thing to do, regardless of if she is ever able to give you her trust again.
I encourage you to listen to this story from a couple I know who nearly lost their marriage over this issue. I think you’ll resonate with Darren’s story. I hope it speaks to you in a fresh way: “Dealing with Porn in a Marriage: Darren and April’s Story.”
If you loved your wife you would stop. If you love porn you will not stop
I’m a wife of a porn user. We are on the verge on divorce. I came into the marriage knowing of his past and we had God at the center. All I can advise is that you give it up 100% right now and love her. She is worthy and she is real. Porn will rob you of everything you love, it will destroy your family. I have 2 children with 2 men and both were users. I feel regretful for this because I want to take the blame. Porn ruins lives. In my case it ruined my husbands life, my life and my children’s lives. Save your relationship. Love her. Truly. Love God. That’s all I have to say.
Blessings to you, Rachael. May God bring healing, hope, light, and peace to you today. There is restoration and redemption, because that’s Who our God is: a Redeemer. And his Love never fails. Kay
Words are difficult. My thoughts are like leaves blown to and fro, in a blustery wind that doesn’t allow me to focus on one mere leaf, but the swirling myriad …
My daughter told me about Covenant Eyes, which is to say that her father’s addiction to pornography has been a problem for so very long and had such an affect on her that in her own, young, marriage she has asked her husband for more than just promises, but guarantees. He’s made himself accountable to Covenant Eyes then, for her, to help assure her that what happened between her parents won’t ever happen to them. He loves her too much to ever see her so demeaned. I’m grateful to him for that, and for his willingness to understand how her father’s addiction shattered the marriage and the family, as well as her fear of having the same happen to theirs.
The matter of Covenant Eyes wouldn’t have come up – which is to say, she may never have told me, had I not told her that I suspected her father of sexually abusing our youngest and disabled child. He who cannot speak for himself. I made it clear that I have no proof – only suspicions, but that these suspicions, along with her father’s frequent accessing of “teen” porn sites – sometimes twice a day – have prompted me to seek the means to end our 30 year marriage. Counseling is out of the question. We’ve been there and done that. Due to his inability to be honest and assume responsibility for his actions he continued to blame me. Many of you who have posted here know how it goes – “If you were woman enough …” “If you took better care of me …” “There must be something wrong with you…” No counselor could break through. He was raised by a man who taught him well that there’s nothing more to life than sex, and that sex is love and love is sex. Aside from a sexual relationship he knows nothing about relationship, which is why he’s never had a relationship with either his daughter or his sons.
I say this about his father knowing the family dynamic as well as I do. His younger sister, and quite brokenly, confided that her father had sexually assaulted her when she was young. Though I was the wife of his son, he attempted to sexually assault me too. When I slapped him, my husband’s father, for his advances, my husband became angry – at me – insisting that his father was a “harmless” drunk and I should just let it go. I couldn’t, and no longer allowed him into our home, or around the children, alone. It’s been a problem, and it has to end now. Right now.
Tonight, though, I struggle with what to do in the here and now. My first inclination is to take the logs I’ve obtained of all of the porn sites, to include the teen sites, my husband has accessed to the State Attorney. I have more than 20 pages full going back 3-4 years, having only recently happened upon them when a virus came down on all of of the computers (wireless/network) and I had to try to figure out why. Now I know.
I don’t want to access the sites my husband has been frequenting in an effort to determine if the involvement of the State Attorney might be called for, depending upon the age of the teens he’s been watching. I do have the logs of the sites, as aforementioned, printed from his Google account. He accesses the porn now via his android cell phone and cable TV. I wouldn’t know if he could access child pornography via DirectTV. I think not, but am not certain.
Might there be someone at Covenant Eyes to whom I could send some of these logs to see if the teens he’s watching are underage, so I know better how to proceed?
None of this is going to be easy. But, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and trust God to see us through.
Thanks for your time. Also, all of you here who have posted know that my greatest of all hopes and prayers are with you.
Hi Willow. We’ll get in touch with you via e-mail to address this concern. Thanks.
Been married a little over one year. Found that my husband looked at porn after telling me he had no desire to see other women like that. The women looked nothing like me. He lied at first then said he sid not look to masterbate but looked because he did not feel like I found him attractive. He said when he looked he felt attractive. We have had a very active sex life. He says I don’t have to worry that he will not look again and that he only thinks of me and wants it to only be between us. I can’t seem to let go and afraid that lack of trust will make it worse since he was honest about his feelings. He also said it was extreme ly hard to admit to me why he looked. It is hard for me ro believe that he dis not look for a sexual reason.
You say your husband looks at porn because the women staring back at him make him feel attractive. Whether or not he classifies that as a “sexual reason” for looking at porn is of little consequence. The real question is whether he is making strides to gain your confidence, to make you believe that he is looking to you for his sexual satisfaction.
It is very common for men to look at porn because the fantasy world makes them feel attractive. That is, I imagine, one of the main reasons men look at porn. The fantasy world is a place where he can feel like he is the center of another’s sexual universe.
It would be good to know what he means by you not finding him attractive. It is great that he has been honest with you so far, but my prayer is that he will really be more honest with himself and find out why, in a sexually active marriage, he enjoys the buzz he gets from watching porn. What about the pornographic fantasy does he like? The attention? His wife gives him attention? Is there something about what the girls in porn say or do or look like that makes the attention so alluring to him?
Speaking as a man who used to be addicted to porn, I know exactly why that fantasy world drew me: I was the center of attention from women that I considered “trophies.” These were women who looked like the cheerleader I could never have in high school, so porn supplied me with a fantasy world that made me feel like a “real man” who could merit the sexual attention of such beautiful women. I am happily married today, and have no doubt in my wife’s attraction to me, but the world of porn will forever be an alluring thing — not because I don’t get attention from my wife, but because the attention I get is not on my terms. Marital sex is wonderful, but focused on mutual giving. Pornographic lust is also pleasurable (and empty), but driven by selfishness. There’s no other person to please. The porn is all about me.
I can’t say whether this is your husband’s experience; this is only where I am coming from.
As for building trust in your marriage, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of an e-book I edited a while back called Hope After Porn. It is written by four women who’ve been in your shoes.
the first time I learned about my husband’s porn was a year & a half ago three weeks before we got married. As I was leaving him, his parents stopped me, and like a pendeja, I stayed. My husband hasn’t made love to me in over six months. Worse, when he does want it, he treats my body like the BS that he watches on porn. It’s humiliating and I can’t compete with it. I am a beautiful and loving latina. I am a homemaker, which makes it difficult for me to get up and leave because I depend on him financially. I just recently sold my car to help his business from a financial fiasco. He tells me he is too stressed to be intimate.
Instead of being intimate with me, he would rather watch porn. I have had it. I want to leave tomorrow. My problem is that I made a promise to God that for better or for worse…. My husband refuses to stop and has told me to deal with it or leave.
I’m forty. He’s 39. He works, I have MS and minor disabilities.
Hi milly. So sorry to hear about your abusive husband.
Do you have a support network? Anyone you can talk to about this?
I am currently on this situation atm.. my partner and i have been together for 3yrs, we have a baby boy and sex isnt there all the time cause im usually tired from watching our son, working and doing home duties… I caught him watching porn before which made me feel so ugly, not giving him enough and betrayed as I have just recently given birth to our son that time. He said he would stop and promised me.. He said he only did it to release as this is something ‘men’ do. but it made me feel so insecure and lost trust in our relationship… I thought he’s finally changed as our sex was starting to become more often… although some days i get really tired from work and watching our baby. then when i had a look on his ipad i saw that he’s been currently watching porn but he tried to delete the history but he left one out by accident.. I felt soo betrayed and ugly that he would still go watch porn eventhough im making all the effort to have sex with him every now and then. I want to leave him but its not that easy… i want my son to have a father. sometimes when we have sex i feel like im being used as a tool so that he can release watever urge he’s got…he does all this weird things youd get from porn and i feel like there is no love in our sex except using me as the girl that would do anything. I feel so used, ugly and betrayed that when i see him all i picture is a perverted man. that i cant trust him with anyone because i feel like if hes doing something that hurts me and ive clearly spoke to him that it hurts me and make me feel less.. he still doing it.. later on he could just get someone or anyone to just do it with. or just give in to temptatns gecause he has no self control now… i dont know what to do and it seems as if no one would ever understand me when it comes to this matter…
You’re definitely not alone!
I recommend two things. First, go read Porn and Your Husband. It will give you some suggestions for next steps for your relationship. Second, go find a good counselor or pastor for advice. Make sure it’s someone who treats porn as a real issue, not just “a healthy or normal behavior” (it’s normal, but it’s not healthy). They’ll be able to give you tailored advice for what to do next.
Hey mms I know how you feel. My husband watched porn 4 weeks after I had our baby. Though is been almost a year I still have very raw pain that comes up sometimes. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that a year into our marriage he “cheated” on me with porn. After I had our baby. I often feel ugly and unattractive. .. but I gave it to God and forgave him. I often meditate on scriptures that show me I’m precious in God’s eyes. .. this makes the impact from my husband less hard. ..he can’t take that away from me. .although he seems to have changed I still have suspecting times but I won’t allow it to make me crazy. . Hang in there there is more to us women than bring “attractive” enough. I think the problem is in the man who chooses to do this.
I hear you, we sail on the same boat, I think the thing to do is leave, run for our dear lives
All of you “christian” woman should repent! The marriage vows say death do us part. The bible says God hates divorce! You need to Love your husband as Christ loves the church. Divorce is of Satan! No Christian woman should ever think about it. Most countries in the world don’t even alow divorce! I believe Jesus would say who ever can cast the first stone can get divorced!
The Bible permits divorce in two situations: adultery (Matthew 19) and unbelief on the spouse’s part (1 Cor. 7). When a husband is unrepentant in his use of pornography, it definitely falls in the category of the first situation, and quite probably reflects the second situation.
That being said, the goal of separation and even divorce should be, ultimately, reconciliation. In fact, we’ve heard stories where separation has been the wake-up call the husband needed to stop using pornography.
By the way, the verse you paraphrase, Ephesians 5:25, actually reads “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” Perhaps if husbands did a better job of following this command, their wives wouldn’t need to consider divorce as an option.
Whoah! Jesus also said if you look at a woman and lust after her you have commuted adultry in your heart… if you repeatedly cheat on your wife then your are GUILtY of adultry. You would be blessed to have a wife stay with you after adultry. My husbands porn addiction has freed me to live and love a man who does not cheat on me. I am choosing to stay because I know God hates divorce…. However, if the porn stays or comes back… I GO. I will leave. I am young and beautiful and I would rather live alone than to live with an adulterer. Don’t ever repremand a woman if she chooses to leave an adulteress man!
God hates divorce–BECAUSE divorce at the time that Jesus spoke those words was actually a way of abusing women. Only men could instigate a divorce, and they could do it for the simplest reasons. Once a woman was divorced, she would be outcast from society with no means of support–she would literally die of starvation. Jesus was making it harder for men to abuse women with that statement, so it’s highly ironic to me that the church today so often twists it to force women to stay in abusive situations! I agree with you, Jesus is on the side of victims. Never on the side of abusers. When we put ourselves on the side of abusers, we’re setting ourselves up against God. Thanks for speaking up here.
Hi. I found porn on my husband’s phone and it felt like a brick hit my heart all I could think was is this what he wants? Is he thinking about these perfect woman when we are together? He rarley wants to make love to me and blames it on stress. We do have very stressful lives but if his sex drive is so low why would he be looking at these sites? I confronted him and probably not in the best way but I was hurt. He said its normal and it’s a man thing and to let him be a man. He drew a comparision to the fact that he doesnt cheat, doesnt go to strip clubs, doesnt go to bachelors parties. I don’t understand this? Should I feel watching other real woman have sex a small thing compared to what he could be doing? I have body images issues from having 3 kids but I dont want him any less and he has never said anything poor about my appearence but just the fact that I do consider this cheating. I don’t know what to do. Should I just be grateful he isn’t having sex with this women just watching? He’s so quick to tell me he doesnt love me and would be better off without me because I dont talk to him the exact perfect way he would like and offers me no slack for being hurt or stressed out myself. I don’t know. My exhusband use to look at porn ALL the time and then when that wasnt enough he DID cheat.
Hi Sad in Florida,
Your husband is justifying his behavior. It may be “a man thing,” but it doesn’t make it a good thing. It is, sadly, normal, as your husband said, but that doesn’t mean it should be normal. Yes, he isn’t doing more outwardly destructive behaviors (cheating on you, going to prostitutes, etc.), but that does not minimize the damage he is doing looking at porn.
Chances are his low sex drive is actually related to his porn use. Heavy porn use will decrease a man’s desire for actual sex. This is something you husband needs to understand: you aren’t against porn because you’re against his sexual pleasure, but because you are for it. Is this really the kind of man he dreamed he would become: sneaking off alone to masturbate to pixels on a screen rather than making love to his wife? He needs to understand how porn is robbing him of real pleasure.
As for you, it would be great for you to find some support: friends or mentors or counselors who can help to reaffirm you and give you good advice. It sounds like your husband is a bitter man and I would highly recommend both of you have some kind of marital counseling. I pray your husband will see the damage porn is causing him and his marriage, and I pray he will wake up and start treating you right. I pray also for you, hoping you find the face-to-face support you really need.
Dear Sad in Florida;
First of all, let me say that I am sorry that this has happened to you. Your reaction is normal and warranted. Furthermore, your husbands behavior is not “normal” as he puts it. It is typical of men but not normal. The lies in our world have taught us that seeking sex and pornography is a normal male thing. The truth is that he is really seeking true intimacy and love. (believe me, I was there just a few years ago). Despite the world views, sex does NOT equal intimacy. Your husband has an emotional and spiritual hole in his heart that he is desperately trying to fill and he likely doesn’t even know it. His methods (typical methods by men) of trying to fill this hole through porn, affairs, prostitutes etc. are ineffective and leaves one empty thus creating the insatiable urge to do it again, and again, all while being totally blind to the devastation we cause to those who really do love us. Our focus is on us and our needs. We are focusing inside rather than outside. If your husband is like me, and like most men looking at porn or worse, he is afraid of true intimacy, afraid of really “being known” even though that’s what he truly craves inside his closed heart. Porn is safe, it will never reject him, it will never criticize him. But on the flip-side, it will never truly accept him, it will never know him, and it will never really fulfill him and give him what he really and truly needs. He needs a wake-up call as to what he is really doing and how he is affecting you and his family. The destruction that he his causing not to mention the ultimate damage of this sin to his soul.
You should not accept his behavior and say that “at least hes not doing worse”. Lust is lust, sin is sin, rejection is rejection. It still destroys your marriage and your family. Years ago, i used to say horrible things to my wife about her being overweight. Today, I truly feel that my wife is beautiful. I see her inside, I see hear heart and the beautiful person she is. And that true love makes me want to be close and intimate with her. Even though sex between us does happen, I crave the true intimacy not the sex.
If your husband is willing to take accountability and do the hard work of looking inside himself then both of you can turn your marriage around.
If your interested, I wrote a candid book on my addiction and my recovery. Its called “From One Addict to Another”. I would be happy to mail you (for your husband) a free copy of the book. You can contact me through my website at addict2addict.org. If your husband reads my whole story, he may just get what hes doing and how its effecting you as well has what he is actually looking for.
I will pray for you and your husband.
Hi everyone. Thought I would post my story, its kind of long so I apologize in advance. I will start by saying that YES the majority of “stuff” has happened in the past. That being said, I started dating my husband when he was married (I know horrible I know). But I didn’t give him sex, we hung out and flirted alot, kissed. I knew he was into porn then and when his wife finally divorced him and we became exclusive and moved in together. It bothered me but I bought into the whole, I have needs and I’m a guy and hey I didn’t want sex all the time as I had endometriosis and alot of pain. In fact remembering alot of the sex way back then, it hurt! So yes, although it made me feel like crap, what could I do, let him have his fun. Fast forward to when I was in my late 20’s and two kids later .. we got our first computer.because I didn’t and still dont drive so I wanted to find a job I could do at home. Well a little while after we got the computer I still had no job, my husband had made complaints about that since “that is why we got the computer” aside from him looking at porn and camgirls and what he says .. searching women who look like me lol but I’m right here! Ok anyway, One day he throws it out there that he thinks I would be good at being a camgirl and shows me a couple of websites. If ya can’t beat them join them you say? Thats exactly what I did. For 10 years no less I was taking naughty photos, having livesex on camera and appearing on shows like Playboy channel and Howard Stern. We even met up with one of the owners of a site I worked for for a hotel photo shoot that just turned into sex which was videotaped. He whacked off to that tape for years. I stopped all adult sites and appearances when I was 37. Then I hit 40 and it felt like a ton of bricks hit me in the stomach. I’ve guess I had gotten so used to the high of what I used to do and sex being all around us during our intimate times (of course at night while the kids were sleeping) that after a few years of feeling like I was living an honest “good” life working customer service on my computer .. that I started noticing my husbands wandering eye and it hurt. He was still in porn mode especially since he has a vasectomy and had to get rid of stuff before his check up to see if he was sperm free. He would whack to porn behind me as I took calls and tried to work (my office is in my bedroom). And it just felt bad to me. His cousin would send him naked photos and of course he had his own sites he got to see what he wanted to see on also .. it just made me feel so diconnected from him and created one hell of a grip on me that I can’t release. Even if he looks at another woman I feel sick because if feels always about sex. He has erection problems and has for a long time with me. There are a dozen excuses for it that some of should have cleared the air .. I love sex now. I want to do it all the time well I did .. thats starting to diminish as I just dont feel sexy enough for him. It really wasnt about porn for the past two years its just about his need to see sexy or half dressed women and really make it known from his facial expressions that he was mentally tearing that up. My kids are grown, one moved out. I’m bored. And Im terrified that this will be the rest of my life. My husband sneaking admirations of women whenever Im not around and when I am, how blatantly obvious he makes it when he pretends not to look .. but he really is. I have software on the computer so he happens to run into a hot celeb once in a while because of course they are on the sites he has to go to for his email or all of his other fantasy crap. I like to call them time wasters. And all the while, I feel cheated and I feel my kids were cheated growing up because their daddy stayed up half the night entertaining himself and slept the day away on his days off. Leaving me to be the one who did MOST of the housework and most of the raising the kids. And our son has Aspergers, what a difficult child he was. I got through it. Now he is making changes, he calls them adjustments. I feel like what that word means is he doesnt pull up junk o the computer anymore because he knows I will see what he has seen. He does come to bed with me now because I stay up half the night with him and we have much more sex now. But if Im not around he still claims that hes not looking and he loves me and doesnt want to hurt me but I dont feel like I can trust that at all, nor do I really know why its killing me. And he hates hearing about the past since he is trying so hard for me. Thats how I got this way. ALL of my life with him had came to a head, all we have been through, all that I felt I’ve been through alone. Like I said, hit me like a ton of bricks when I hit 40!
What I want to know is, if there are so many women out there who are going through this … where can we come together? Where can we form an alliance or free support for each other. I cant afford to pay for counseling and I thought if we all got together .. heck even just to go our for lunch, dinner or drinks once a week or so .. that would really help all of us to let it all out and feel part of something at the same time. I know if would help me. Girl power! lol. Im 43 btw but I still like to have a good time. I have no girlfriends but one who lives far away from me and I dont see her as often as I’d like to. Since I dont drive, I’d love to know whats local and what other ladies would like to form a bond. Can email me at my email address listed. Thanks for listening to all of that. I feel better for a couple of days once I get that all out .. then boom something else happens and Im sure its more ME than my husband at this point .. but I simply cant trust, have caught too many lies. Thats what happens!
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I don’t know many places for women to gather to talk about these issues. There are groups that are designed for partners of sex addicts, like POSARC and S-Anon. There are also church groups that are broader in focus, Celebrate Recovery.
There is, of course, a great irony to your situation. For years you helped to produce material that led the lusts of men, many of them married. Now, you are experiencing more of the hurt that comes when your husband doesn’t “have eyes for only you.” It sounds like you’ve talked about all of this with your husband, but what has he said in reply? He obviously doesn’t believe lusting after other women is wrong, but what has led to your conviction that it is? Have you told him why you are hurt by it?
My heart hurts for these wounded women and children that are all part of the seed planted by porn. I have been married 22 years the last two I have stayed after catching my husband in porn I stayed letting him get help to work through this. It has been two years of my waiting on him to talk to me two years of my reaching out to him two years of his continued lusting which he has done for years, friendships with women pet names ect at work and masturbation.First I will tell you as women, let Christ be your groom now. He will show you what a husband is meant to be. Let Him help you with you. God will not change your husbands heart no matter how much you pray i have done that for years, He is not a God that forces Himself on any one. What I have learned is we can pray for a softening of there heart, laborers across his path and a hedge of thorns around him. Scripture says we can ask for that and I do. Pray for there eyes to see. There is no situation that is exactly the same but he pain disbelief betrayal fear and death of a marriage is common ground. I have stood and God promised me in the word He would never let me be deceived by him again. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. I knew when my husband was still into the lie and sadly he was. As long as the evil is left to linger in your home the seed of it will continue to impact us. I am done. I am so many things that there are no words for but I have fought for this marriage for years to no avail but what God has raised up in me through it is amazing. This is past hard but to live with such a horrific sin is an insult to God and a horrible witness to my family. My story is long with many twists and turns to long for this site. So I kick the sand from my shoes and ask God to lead me as I have him leave.
The comments I read about it’s not sleeping with other women is a lie! Looking at porn you are sleeping with everyone one you see including the men. Your masturbating to it is seed falling on barren ground. Open up the word !! It would be better to pluck out your eye than to let it lead you into sin!. It does not matter the excuse or the reason is is an evil thing that is driving marriages to hell!. If you loved your wife would you die for her? Many would say yes but seeing this killing her in front of you has not stopped you. Get Christ get in the word listen to only christian music talk to her pray together get accountability partners turn your back to it and reach out to other men! Let the sin become a tool to reach other souls your destroying you your wife your family! Get scriptures print it out place it every where With Christ you can do all things. God help us God help this country.scripture says in the end times we will do right in our own eyes.
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What is the reality that these men actually change? I’m 40 years old and have been married for almost 20 years. My husband is a good man and father. He’s a leader in our church and always willing to help others. Everyone loves him.
We’ve been dealing with his pornography use for our entire marriage. Although I didn’t know it until about 5 years in. The first time I found out he was very angry. Reluctantly went to therapy to pacify me. We went through this every few years.
After the birth of our daughter 11 years ago I found more stuff. This time he was truly remorseful. I was heartbroken and in tears. He voluntarily spoke to our pastor and a few other men, became part of an accountability group and really saw how it was damaging our marriage.
That brings me to now. We are 3 months shy of our 20th anniversary. He is in our praise band at church. I find these sites he’s been visiting again. He said he was ashamed and had already been trying to put them behind him. That’s why he recently joined a new Bible Study.
At this point I’m just tired. It’s the same thing over and over. I wonder if he can ever change. He’s so good at lying I wonder if he’s lying about other things. I think of leaving but then I wonder if all men are like this. Would I just be going to put my trust in another man only to be lied to again. Also I don’t really want a divorce because they are messy. My own parents divorced 3 times and it was awful. Plus my kids love him. It would break their hearts,especially my daughter, if I left him. They do not know about his secret life. So a divorce would be a shock for them.
I am just so tired of trying. Do I just accept that it will always be this way? Do I hope one more time that he will change and be honest with me? Or do I just leave and stay alone? At least I would know that someone isn’t betraying my trust.
Hi Numb,
What your husband is struggling with is sadly common among Christian men. There are, of course, many men who sin in this way year in and year out. Others find freedom (I’m one of them, as have many other men who’ve written on this blog).
It is impossible to say (not knowing your husband’s story) what more he should do. If I was sitting across from him, I’d ask him a series of questions.
1. Do you have regular (weekly) accountability with another godly man or men about pornography, lust, and the thoughts and intentions of your heart?
2. What have you done to sever access to the pornography?
3. What have you done to avoid the rituals (i.e. getting on the computer late at night, etc., etc.) that often lead to toward temptation?
4. Have you cried out to God for help? (I mean, really. Not just thinking about it or feeling bad about it.)
5. Have your sought out discipleship in the church to help you get to the root of the reason why you look at porn in the first place?
As for you, Numb, many would tell you to ditch your husband. Many wouldn’t blame you for doing so. But you are no fool if you stick around and watch the transformation that could take place in him. I encourage you to do that.
Your husband definitely needs to rebuild broken trust. This is his job, not yours. Your job is to spell out for him what rebuilding broken trust looks like to you. What does he have to do and continually do to rebuild your trust (beyond just the porn stuff)? What can he do to demonstrate that his heart is changing?
I hope this helps.
My husband watches rape porn, even though he knows I’ve been raped and abused throughout my childhood, and he is the only man I’ve ever been in a relationship with and slept with.
When I found out I confronted him and he said he was sorry and would stop, but a year later, I found he had still been watching it the whole time. Again I confronted him and threatened to leave, I was so upset. But again he promised to stop. Now he doesn’t seem to get that just because it doesn’t say rape in the title it’s not rape, the videos he watches are just so degrading to women. I mentioned this and now he still watches porn but I haven’t seen anything bad though I know it’s just a matter of time. He watches it every time I’m out of the house even if we have just made love, how is that supposed to make me feel? He says that all men watch porn, that he can do whatever he wants with his body. I said yes he can, but I don’t have to put up with it. He says it’s just fantasy and he wants time to himself where he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone else, but there’s more productive things he could to with time to himself, something that doesn’t cause the woman he loves so much pain.
He tells me all the time that I’m beautiful and sexy and he tells me he loves me but how can I believe it when he watches porn all the time? If I say outright it’s porn or me, what if he chooses porn?
That is a critical question, isn’t it? Are you willing to put your foot down in a way that means you might lose him?
I’m so sorry to hear your story, Kana. It is terrible what your husband is doing, both to you and to the women who are being abused in those videos. His endorsement of that material only further enslaves those women and only harms his marriage.
He is right: many men watch porn, and it is a cultural norm. But that does not mean it is right. There are many things that are common activities, but just because something is common doesn’t mean it is healthy or good.
It sounds like your husband has changed his tune over the years. Before, he said he would stop. Now, he defends his actions as normal.
I highly recommend you read this series, especially part 3. It will help you to take some next steps.
Porn has always been an issue in my 5 year relationship with my bf we have 2 kids and the reason I haven’t married him is because of this. Hes a freelance arist & says that he does it for refrence/art only but I know that may not be true because he would hide it from me and delete it. So just last week I decided to allow him to do what he has always wanted draw cartoon/anime pronography with certain rules in place but he has failed to abide by them. I have never.seen him put this much effort in anything which really hurts he doesn’t even put as much effort in gigs that pay but yet he will view porn and draw for hours on end yesterday he was up until 10-4am which really upset me because he has never worked on a paying project this much ever! The only.reason I allowed it is because he’s always wanted to draw this but he just told me about it about 2 years ago & always says how much money he would make and even though I always said no I always found he would look at porn so that’s why I finally said yes but to be honest it hurts me how much he is into this shit having him stare at women’s private part all open and there huge breasts and beyond explicit images of them hurts a lot. I don’t know what to do I feel like if he does not do this he will be miserable for the rest of his life and regret it.
Jen,
Don’t feel as if you are trapped and unable to do anything about this. For your situation, I’m going to recommend you download this e-book and read it. It will help to bring you some clarity. I know you aren’t married to him, but your relationship is much like a marriage and has the same dynamics. I hope this books helps.
Hello,
I want to first say that I’m married to an amazing man of God that has my heart. We have a beautiful eighteen month old daughter, and are now 4 months expecting from a planned pregnancy. We are going on four years of marriage and for the first two years had a very plentiful and healthy sex life. My first pregnancy with our daughter however did bring about some marital problems. Even though I am a woman of God I was experiencing a lot of things spiritually alarming. Our sex life came to screeching halt. I felt worthless, shameful, and undesirable. I had always had problems with self esteem prior to my marriage. He started becoming friendly, and very familiar with women in his workplace. I felt threatened by these women, but I held it inside for so long because I thought I was just being jealous. I did find a candid picture of two of the girls ay work in his phone, which was a little peculiar. I finally did talk to him about it later and we prayed together about it and he told me that my feelings were not unfounded, since these women did mean to cause our marriage harm. He since then promoted to a manager and is now working at a different store. Praise God. Though since we are now expecting again I just recently found that my husband had looked at pornography. I confronted him about it, and we talked very peacefully about it. I told him I wasn’t angry at him, I know this has to be embarrassing and I realize that it is a real struggle for men. I just feel really hurt. Especially because of the pain I went through for our first pregnancy. It is important to me to exhibit grace, not be the victim, and not feel maliciousness towards other women. Though I can’t shake the feeling of hurt. The only reason i know is because I went to look on his ipad to find some shows on a netflix app for our little girl and there was a page open that read “free porn.” I calmly addressed him about it and I had to explain, which made me feel that if he could have denied it, he would have. What really hurts me is that day he let me nap and put the baby down, he came to bed sometime after wanting sex. Only for me to find that he looked at porn beforehand. It makes me wonder about our previous sexual encounters. He often stays up late and plays video games, and sometimes will come to bed and want to take me very quickly while I’m asleep. Which I don’t mind because in my little pea brain I feel like “He loving me!” But now, I wonder if I was just a conduit to his arousal from the pornography. I honestly do not know how often he frequents those pages, I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to nag, and poke, and prod. I honestly don’t know what a porn addict is, or if he is one. I do feel very fearful. A part of me just wants to initiate sex more, in hopes that it aids in preventing temptation, but the other part is afraid to bear my pregnant body to him. Especially since from here to six months I am only going to get larger, gain more, weight, and feel less desirable.
Hi Callie. So sorry to hear about this discovery of your husband’s porn problem.
Of course, it is good and healthy for both of you to initiate sex often in your marriage, but he has to be intentional about not looking at pornography as well. He has to see it as a problem himself.
This book might be a big help to you. It’s called Porn and Your Husband. It’s a free downloadable book that will walk you through some of these tough questions.
Hi Everyone, I just read some stories and honestly tears came into my eyes like water fountain just turned on. I am so sorry for what you ladies have been going through. I would like some advice because I just don’t know what to do. Today is the horrible day that I also found out my husband has been watching porn. The sad part is that all this time, I thought he was religious and loved me. I trusted him so much. The worse part is that it has been going on for more than a year. Since I found out, I’m only thinking about divorce apart from crying. I feel very veryyy confused. I don’t know how to deal with this. Usually I share everything with my sisters, or family, but I feel so embarrassed to tell anyone. He’s searched up porn sites, viewed youtube, porn sites, and images of actresses. I just can’t believe him. To me, porn is very similar to cheating on your wife. THe only difference is that you are not touching that person with your hands, you are touching the person with your imaginable “hands” or your desires. It feels just like he slept with someone. I have only loved him and can’t even imagine him loving someone else. Maybe he doesn’t love them, yet imagines to have sex with them??? How gross and hurtful? I just can’t live with the thought that my husband would do such a thing. I always found him calm, gentle, loving, and respecting me. How can he do this then? If he had done it before our marriage, maybe I would have understood. But even after marriage? It makes me feel like crap. I have always made myself available to him. I don’t understand why he would do such a thing to me. and it didn’t happen only when I was not available. Sadly, he’s been doing this even when I was available. I don’t know how to confront him. I always found my self pretty, and had confident. This just made me lose my self esteem. I feel like crap. I would like to offer some advice to males who watch porn and are reading this:
My entire purpose of sharing my feelings was for Males WHO WATCH PORN. Please don’t destroy your relationship, and don’t lose your loving wife over some internet crap. It is hundred times better to stop right now before its too late and she finds out. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive my husband. Because addiction is hard to quit, and porn does get addicting. Save your relationship if you can, while you have time. If your wife found out already, beg her til she forgives you and make it up to her in every single way possible. and NEVER disappoint her again. Thanks for reading.
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for writing. I do hope men stumble on your words and take them to heart, because they need to be heard.
You said you were looking for some advice, so I’ll try as best I can to reply…
1. The reason why watching porn feels similar to cheating is because it is a type of unfaithfulness. He has been unfaithful to you with his eyes. You are right to feel betrayed because that is exactly what he had done to you.
2. Your marriage is not beyond hope. Countless couples have stared this unfaithfulness in the eye and chosen to work through it, chosen to forgive, chosen to rebuild trust. I do not know what is in store for your marriage, but I do know your marriage is not beyond hope. (You can listen to interviews from many couples on our blog to give you hope: Darren and April, Chris and Cindy, and Traylor and Melody.)
3. Your questions are very common for a wife who is facing this problem. I highly recommend you read this series of posts by Ella Hutchinson. She addresses many of these issues.
I too am in the same boat as most of you. It has crushed me every single time I have found that my husband turns to porn and it has sickened me to the point where I am ready to divorce him so he can be free to watch whatever he wants. I hate the way he is making me feel. I feel not good enough, ugly, fat, boring and many other things that I know I am not. I don’t even have any desire to touch him anymore because I feel like every time we have sex, he is thinking or imagining someone else he wants. I don’t even know anymore if he really wants me or something else. Of course he says he wants me but how am I supposed to know if he really means it or is just saying it to make me feel better? It absolutely does make me feel cheated on and I feel like I want to cheat on him. And if I do that, whether he finds out or not, I know this marriage will be over because I will not be able to stay with him if I am going to be dishonest. It happened before when we were together 20 some years ago. He was giving a girl at work a ride home sometimes and I was convinced he was cheating with her so I decided to cheat on him and eventually was not able to live with the idea of being dishonest so I broke up with him. I found out he wasn’t cheating with her but it was too late. I never told him until we got back together in 2005 and he didn’t take it very well even though it happened 20 some years ago. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I always have the feeling he is secretly looking at something or someone and I can’t take this feeling anymore. He gets mad when I catch him or he says the same thing other guys say… all guys do it and I know that’s not true. We end up in screaming matches over this which I can’t take at all anymore. He always says he won’t do it but I just feel like that’s what he thinks he needs to say to make me feel better. I do have to admit that he doesn’t do it very often but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. This is affecting everything in my life and I need to do something to change this immediately or I am going to go crazy.
I had a chat with a psychologist/social worker a while ago, and she has a saying : “if you spot it, you’ve got it”, meaning if you see something in someone that upsets you, the issue causing the frustration is actually yours, not theirs.
There’s a recurring pattern in your post : “I can’t”, “I feel like”.
I don’t want to generalize and I’m not close enough to your relationship to contextualize a lot of this accurately, but it seems the two big issues you guys are/were experiencing are deeper than pornography : insecurity and dysfunctional communication. You said yourself that you’re boyfriend didn’t cheat on you, but insecurity made you do something horrible. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So is its opposite. You can be looking at the most beautiful flower, but if you’re eyes want to see it as a dried up cactus, that’s what you’ll see.
In the same way jealousy and insecurity can ruin everything you look at.
As the Bible also says, there’s a time and place for everything…I think this applies to porn as well. Watching porn doesn’t mean you’ll start cheating on your wife, take her for granted or withdraw from the marriage sexually or emotionally.
Come on guys, watch it with the cliches and generalizations !
Different strokes for different folks…
Obviously, we disagree on this (as you can tell from the above article). This article doesn’t say all men withdraw from intimacy with their wives because they watch porn, but that this is a risk. Watching porn is unfaithfulness to your spouse.
You are in denial if you believe that it is not affecting you or your spouse. The Bible clearly shows that even looking at another woman is sinful, so clearly a time and place for everything would not include watching porn! Get real.
Hey Jen, thanks for taking the time to reply.
I hear you but I think you’re misunderstanding me – I’m not trying to assert that porn does not affect me, my wife, or my marriage. Anything we come in contact with affects us, from somebody’s second-hand cigarette smoke thru to yes, pornography. That porn has an effect on me and my marriage does not mean that the effect is necessarily a negative one – that depends on the person(s) involved. Jesus himself says in the Bible that it’s not what goes into you that makes you unclean, it’s what comes out of you. So just because I consume sexual material does not make me unclean. I’m unclean if I treat my wife badly, or behave in a way that does not please God. And no, I don’t believe that God has a problem with someone expressing curiosity about sexuality. I believe that discomfort about sexuality is a human trait, not a Godly one. Thoughts?
Maybe you should be googling your brain on porn. Then maybe you won’t make your comments you just made. There is science that proves what it does to the person ane relaionships, Also what it does to the brain.
Since before puberty I have had a sexual fascination for women’s necks.
I don’t know how it started, and I have never suffered abuse.
Pornography created a way for me to gratify that obsession in horrendous ways. It has influenced my behavior to the point that I have watched it almost daily. More than once in a sober fit of satanic lust I even assaulted an animal when I had no access to pornography. When I became engaged to my dear wife I thought it would end. Now I’m a married man with a sexual obsession who secretly watches porn when I can no longer battle temptation. My wife deserves better, but I can’t bring myself to tell her what I’ve done. I’m a coward. I feel I have the strength to stop, but I have no motivation because if I haven’t told her, it doesn’t matter when I stopped; I still did it at some time, and it will hurt her more than I can bear.
She has spoken against pornography firmly, and I let her know that I agree. And I do. But I am a true hypocrite.
I considered whether I would have the strength to join a monastery and devote my life to repentance after she divorces me, but I’ve decided…
I’d rather either suffer my whole life in the flames of guilt, and go strait to hell,
or take my own life and go there still, which would by my just portion…
Than to see her heart break before my very eyes.
I’m just not that strong. God please help me.
@ Jan:
Jesus could never justify something as beastly as porn, you freak. Keep thinking like that and you’ll end up like me. I was normal once. I WAS NORMAL ONCE. Jesus said to lust is to commit adultery in your heart, so you have broken your vows as I have. curiosity is no excuse for sin. But none of this matters. You’ll say your part, and I’ll say mine, and you’ll do what you want, and what you say for yourself will have NO affect on the consequences in your future.
God help me and Jan.
Hi Me,
I know the thought of telling your wife sounds like it is worse than hell itself. Believe me, I get it. That is a confession no Christian man wants to make. It is terrifying and heartbreaking.
I know it must seem like a sacrificial act to put your wife’s happiness ahead of your eternal happiness, but what it sounds like you’re doing is putting your wife above God. You sound as if you are willing to brazenly sin against God, keeping everything a secret from you wife, so you can help your wife to avoid pain. You know I don’t know your heart. I’ve only read this brief comment of yours. But ask God to search your heart: are you willing to betray your marriage vows by watching porn, spiraling deeper and deeper into sexual bondage, keeping everything a secret, just so you can continue in the sin and spare your wife some heartbreak?
Going to hell won’t help things. Hell is the place where the insanity of our sin and self-absorption reaches an eternal climax, always lusting but never satisfied. Your wife doesn’t want that for you. You shouldn’t want that for yourself. Don’t spit in the face of Grace. Jesus is able to save anyone who comes to Him.
Change is possible. Change is more than possible because we worship a God performs the impossible. This is an addiction, but God can overcome addictions. But change will involve you letting the secret out. I know that sounds like a high price to pay, but it is not as big of a price as your wife is paying right now. She may not know about your addiction, but it is robbing you of the man you could be, thus robbing her of the husband she could have.
I know you’re right Luke. Deep down I know it.
Please pray for me. I don’t know how or when I’ll tell her but it will have to be soon.
We hope to have children soon, and I want her to know who could be raising her children before that happens so she’ll have a choice as to who or what will take that job.
I don’t know how to do it. I’m so scared. She makes me as whole as I’ve ever been, aside from this dark rift I’ve hidden.
Please help me find the strength to tell her, and to be alone without causing harm to myself, because the temptation will never be greater than at that moment.
I need so much help.
I will pray for you, yes. And I agree you do need help. If you don’t have friends or mentors that you confide in to talk about this stuff, then now is the time to get them. There’s no shaming in talking about this with someone so they can be a sounding board for you (before you talk to your wife). You certainly want to get all the wisdom you can about this.
I told her. It’s finally over. I told her and her whole family (except the young ones). I thank you so much for your prayer and encouragement. Now I can finally grow in Christ again, and be the man he wanted me to be. My wife has forgiven me, but she will never forget, and I don’t know if she’ll ever stop hurting. But I have committed to making my life a mission to grow in Christ and daily earn her trust.
Glad to hear you finally did it. Good work. That was hard, I know, but in some ways it is the easy part. The day-by-day work of regaining her trust is difficult as well, but it is well worth it. Here are some articles and videos to get you started:
1. Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage After Pornography
2. Tips on Rebuilding Trust With Your Spouse After Porn
3. My Husband’s Porn Addiction: How We Rebuilt Trust
4. How to trust again after pornography? 5 Commandments of Sex Addiction Recovery
I also highly recommend the two series by Christian counselor Brad Hambrick: False Love (for you) and True Betrayal (for your wife). Both are excellent and free. Get together with someone who will be your accountability partner, watch these videos together, and talk about them. It will change your life.
Hey Me,
I’m really proud of you for your desire to obey God. One of the most encouraging things in the world is when God drives us to the point where we must choose Him or death, and then He gives us the ability to do the impossible and choose him.
I want to challenge you to keep confessing even in the little struggles–in fact especially the little struggles to the godly guys you have as accountability partners in your life. Staying in the light is SO important.
Let me leave you with three thoughts:
1. Lust/porn are symptoms of a worship problem. As Luke often says, you worship your way into this problem, and you must worship your way out.
2. I highly recommend Heath Lambert’s new book Finally Free.
3. I think Zechariah 3 is a passage you might want to read. If you are committed to loving God today, you could hardly find a passage more encouraging and convicting in all of Scripture.
I’ll be praying for you as often as I can remember. Trust God to complete this work–and obey Him as you seize His promises!
I echo James’ thoughts here. Dr. Lambert’s book is excellent. You might also enjoy Tim Chester’s Closing the Window.
I recently found a USB stick with some porn on it. My husband claims is years old and he hasn’t viewed it, except the day he found it for one minute then he felt disgusted and shut it off. The thing is he didn’t throw it away, but looked it up, where I found it. I believed him, because he seems very remorseful, but I wonder why it wasn’t thrown away and I am torturing myself with the images I have seen of the perfect bodied women, so sexy and my husbands dream. I also have this sick need to want to view it again just to hurt myself more. I want to see what she has that I don’t, even though it’s obvious. I am the mother of 3 of his kids, and 6 months pregnant with our fourth. I feel like I need to trust him, but can’t.
Hi Becky,
I am so sorry your eyes were subjected to that. It can put some lies in your head, for sure.
Keep in mind, one of the reasons men get sucked into porn isn’t just because of the bodies of the women. What they are drawn to is the whole experience: they can see whoever they want, how ever many women they want, all completely customizable, all clickable, and none of the women have needs of their own. Porn is not just about lust, but about power. My point is that no woman, no matter how she measures up to society’s standards of beauty, can compete with an harem of women on a thumb drive. The problem is most definitely not you.
Assuming your husband is telling truth, it is good that he showed remorse and that his gut response to seeing the porn again was disgust. I don’t know the depths of his porn habit in the past, but it shows great progress to go for a long time not watching any porn.
He didn’t destroy the thumb drive because he wasn’t completely repenting of his sin. At the time when he hid it away, he wanted to reserve the right to come back to it some time. Perhaps he forgot all about it for a while and stumbled on it himself. I don’t know. Either way, I hope leaving a back door to temptation open has taught him something valuable. What is important now is the two of you talking about ways he can rebuild trust.
Excellent post Luke. Thanks so much! Keep up the good work bro.
Thanks, Bernie. Let us know if you’d ever like to write for our blog. Loved your work with Somebody’s Daughter.
My husband and I have been together for 9 years and I have known about his addiction for about 5 of thoes years. I have confronted him about it in the past but he denys it. In the last 2 months I have noticed a spike in his porn watching acitvity but I haven’t said anything about it yet. He buys the movies on our TV, I see the bill but he thinks I’m too naieve to realize what the $20 movies are. I think tonight will be the night I talk to him about it. We have 4 kids together, the youngest is 2 months and I just don’t have much of a sex drive and he seems to be offended by it.
I realize I have been neglecting him since at the end of the day I am too exausted. He hardly talks to me and when he does it’s only in a sexual nature. He dosen’t cuddle with me anymore, he turns away from my advances. The only time he seems interested in me is when I’m washing dishes and he will pull my pants down, jerk off behind me then cum in my undies. That irritates me. There is no foreplay, no talking or kissing then he walks away and I am left with a mess in my panties. I feel hurt and unwanted like I’m not good enough anymore.
Wow. What your husband is doing to you is about the most unmanly thing I can think of: using you for sexual pleasure and then turning around to get pleasure from women on a screen. Pathetic.
If you do confront him (and I recommend you do) go into that conversation with as much info as you can get. If you can get access to the movie titles, do it. If you can check Internet history in the home, do it. Find everything you can so there’s little wiggle room for him to lie or be evasive.
He may outright admit it. I recommend you read this book if that’s the case. It’s free to download on our website and it is specifically for women like yourself.
I have been married to my husband for 6 years. Going into the marriage I had no idea about his porn addiction. We have struggled tremendously throughout our marriage because it’s on going. I’m tired of being lied to. Here’s the problem- this last incident he did come forth and tell me that he “slipped” but he lied about the frequency and type. He seems to be into some pretty graphic rape porn. Honestly, it scares me. It’s just gotten more and more graphic. I have tried to be understanding and work with him but I don’t know if this is where I should throw in the towel?
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, Tiff. Unfortunately this is the direction a lot of porn goes: more violent, more degrading. Does he know that you know about his lie?
Your husband (judging only from the details you gave and inference) is struggling. It is a complicated struggle – and you do need to confront ANY lies in a marriage, especially those related to sex… however please also don’t swallow anything you hear from even “Christian” sites or books – the one-sided carte-blanche oversimplifications that resonate with how you FEEL (valid) can be as sick and satanic as the world he is flirting with… if not more. I pray you will unreservedly continue to give him your whole heart and love as though you’ve never been hurt – that approach will never bring shame upon yourself, and if it brings pain it will be worth it in the end. It DOES without question need to be dealt with, but understand if you even have a towel to “through in” because your husband isn’t perfect or has sin – perhaps you have some soul searching to do yourself. Whatever flavor (denomination) or depth your walk with Jesus is, a human heart given to another is worthy of no less – and only you and God can work out what has been given to you and thus owed back – be very cautious in making that assessment and I highly recommend you be wary of ANY voice that resonates with what you feel. It is ABSOLUTELY without question you do not deserve to be made to feel like not enough, and that porn is dangerous – but so is ALL sin, and emotional abandonment is no less.
confronteI’m gonna be a bit short with this. Just want to know where my husband stands in between either having a addiction to porn or is it normal and how am I to feel/address it. I’m 27 he’s 32. We been married a yr. I confronted him about watching 2months ago. We sorta agreed from my point and his point of view. Now last night I checked his browser on phone and there’s a lot of browsing.. I can constantly have sex with him 4times a day if he would feel the same. We have maybe once a week then we were dating it was 2/3times.. now not so much. I tested him actually. Went 8days without making a give to him. He didn’t even budge. Idk what I’m lacking and why he feels he’s gotta be connected to that. I get I’m tired or I just wanna relax tonight. Right after he just took jes edge off… I hear this all the time any man would love to have a women like me. I’m a bit of a sex fanatic. It’s not like I have to have it. But mostly I love it with my husband and want to enjoy it now before my drive runs out… any help anyone??
Renee,
Nothing you are doing is driving him to the porn. You didn’t cause this and you can change it. This is something he must choose to change in his life.
It comes as a surprise to many people that men will still look at porn even though their wives are beautiful by society’s standards and are sexually very available. This is because looking at porn isn’t about just wanting sex. It is about wanting a fantasy.
I highly recommend you get this book (you can download it for free). It is all about women in your situation: Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives.
Luke – can I correct you, without it being taken as an attack? You are wrong to categorically say it’s about wanting a fantasy. Could be, maybe was for you… but you cannot just say that’s what it is – and I correct you not to split hairs or get my 2c in (believe me if I was getting my 2c in my post would not fit) – I say it because the struggle is for some far more complicated than anything I’ve ever seen addressed, and you are speaking to lives that may very well hang in the balance. I’m not even saying you’re necessarily wrong, but only he can tell you.
Renee – don’t believe (everyone here will agree) it has ANYTHING to do with being about you not being enough, your fault, or anything alone those lines. I would also encourage you (as most here will DISagree with) to NOT read anything – or listen to anyone but God and your husband. Be understanding, and honest. Above all woo him to be honest with you – give him a safe place to be real with you, it is VERY hard to tell someone you love something you know will hurt them – practically impossible if they don’t believe you will understand. He is not necessarily not worth fighting for… and focusing on you – what you should / should not have to deal with, what you deserve, how you feel or what is right / wrong is not the way to healing.
Hi Scott,
Perhaps the issue is related to the way I’m using (or not defining what I mean by) fantasy. Porn, by definition, is fantasy (as least as far as I’m using the term here), in the same way we would say all movies are fantasy: it tells a story about things that happen in an alternate world. Can you help to clarify what you mean?
This is a demonstrative evil industry. I have determined to pray, the WEAPONS OF OUR WARFARE are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds… WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD BUT PRINCIPALITIES AND POWERS AND RULERS OR DARKNESS. I believe we are praying for ourselves, marriages and families, we must pray that God and His great power destroy this entity, from the financing, producers, acting-victims, users, and the internet/websites, and human trafficking, i.e., “the seller of souls” this is huge !!! Our Lord IS our redeemer and restorer, HE is also a warrior!
I have been married to my husband for 27 years now and first discovered his porn just weeks into the marriage. He has told me in the past that he’s quit but I always find it. He has hidden it in some pretty creative places and when I find it, I’m not usually looking for it, I just happen to stumble upon it looking for a hiding place for a gift, cleaning or whatever I’m doing I always seem to find it. I always threaten it’s either me or the porn but of course I can’t leave because I really do love him and would feel so horrible to do that and also I cannot support myself. He has always said he needs the porn to masturbate when he’s feeling stress, can’t sleep or when I’m having my period. He has even admitted to masturbating at work and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it! He has been having a hard time finishing sex with me and I know it’s because I don’t measure up. I just don’t get it, it is very hurtful and he knows it hurts me but he continues with his porn He has even said to me that I only think I am hurt. He has also stated that he thought he had married a “modern woman” and when I questioned what that was I found out that it is a woman who not only is okay with porn but also watches porn with her husband. I had never given him any reason to believe I would be okay with that so I believe he was just trying to make me feel like I was old fashioned and not like other women. The latest thing is that I may need some expensive dental work so the trade off is he’ll pay for my teeth (I work also so I too will be paying for my dental bills) so I won’t harass him about his porn, I hate that he is using porn to bargain with, especially with my teeth! There have been so many fights over the years and then I feel so guilty about being so angry that I forgive him and then not only do I hate myself for being such a witch, I then hate myself for not sticking to my guns with the porn issue. I really don’t understand why men like this even bother to get married, sometimes I swear he loves his porn and his hand more than me! I feel so bad and guilty about it all and yet my husband doesn’t seem to have any of these bad or guilty feelings. I’m not the one who’s turning to porn so why do I always feel like the bad guy?
You feel like the bad guy because you are insisting he remove something from his life that he enjoys and that, quite frankly, many men enjoy, so it feels like you’re totally out of step with the rest of the world. In a sense, you are, because porn has sadly become the norm today.
Since I don’t know all the conversations you and your husband have had, its hard to know where to start, but here are some thoughts for you.
1. He needs to hear why porn is so detestable to you. Say, “You wouldn’t like it if I was sharing my body with the world online for other men. [Hopefully, he agrees with that.] You wouldn’t like it because I would be taking what is exclusively your blessing and sharing it with others to use me like an object. You know I’m worth more than that. This is why I don’t like porn: these women are being used as objects by other men. You are taking what is meant to be exclusively my blessing—that is, your mind, your sexual energy—and you’re spreading that around to countless women. When we got married, we took a vow to ‘forsake all others’ and this completely violates that vow. You may think it doesn’t because you aren’t interacting with these porn stars, but that is a difference of degree. The motivation is largely the same, but without the same risks: you lust for these women so you use their images to orgasm.”
You could also say, “I don’t really believe this is the man you dreamed you wanted to become. Instead of feeling the desire for intimacy and coming to me to let me satisfy you, you sneak around masturbating to photos. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Is this the mark of a real man? I don’t believe this is what you really want. I want to be your only lover. I want us to learn to enjoy sex together, to learn to please each other, to learn to really satisfy each other in ways that porn could never do.”
You could also say, “I also know a few things about how porn harms people’s minds. You may not buy that idea, but look at how porn has emasculated you. When you can’t reach orgasm with the woman you pledged to stay with until death do you part, there’s nothing natural about that. You aren’t an old man with health problems. The problem is in the way your mind has molded to prefer porn over real sex. If you don’t believe me, read this article, ‘Why Marital Sex is Better Than Porn,” or this one, ‘Neuroscience Speaks: How Using Porn Destroys Your Willpower.'”
2. You need to take care of your own heart. Whatever he does, you need to put up some boundaries in your marriage the prevent him from trampling all over your heart. You can learn more about boundaries in this video and this article.
Please let me know if this is helpful.
I knew my husband used porn but when I saw pictures of him and another woman I decided to check his porn file a few months ago, unfortunately I found a lot of homemade porn with him and the other woman in various places including our bed. However, we decided to stay together for the sake of our two young children but I decided to check his computer again. I know he is still watching porn but I am concerned that he has a lot of rape porn videos. When I asked him about this, he says he just downloads stuff but he doesn’t watch those types of videos. Right now, I don’t even know how to deal with this new development, still trying to deal with his affair.
Hey Elizabeth, what a tough, terrible place you’re in. It sounds like your husband’s sexual tastes have gotten pretty scary, and that leaves you with difficult decisions to make. I hope you’ve got friends and family to support you? I’d encourage you to reach out for support, either through a support group like Celebrate Recovery or through individual counseling. I like the American Association of Christian Counselors, because they’ve got lots of counselors all over the country. You might also like our free download, Hope After Porn, because it talks about how different women have dealt with situations like yours. As I read what you’ve written here, I’m concerned for your safety, emotionally, yes, but also physically as your husband acts out sexually. It sounds like you are far more committed to your marriage than your husband is. I’m afraid you might not be safe here. Please let me know if you want to talk about that more. Blessings, Kay
Like so many other women here, I’ve been fighting for this since a year now. The hardest was to identify what the problem actually was; porn Ofcourse, now I know.
I’ve been married for almost two years. My husband and I have 15 years of age difference, I am 24. So when the intimacy started to decrease, the first thing that came to my mind was may be its cuz of the age difference or some medical condition. Previously, I did not have much knowledge about things like porn addiction, sex addiction, etc. The bad thing is that I knew that masturbation is healthy for guys’ sexual health and so when my husband told me that he would masterbate occasionally I allowed him to.
But I never knew this would become so poisonous for our relationship. The fact is men who are addicted to pornography will come up with a hundred reasons to convince their wives that it’s okay.
When I noticed that my husband can go on fine with us not having sex for months but he won’t give up on his porn n masturbation, I realized that it’s not what I think, the sex drive is still there, it’s just that he won’t do it with me like normal couples do.
I had to bring the issue up *and may be he was waiting for me to bring it up* cuz addicts just wanna run away from their problems and not face them.
He has promised me so many times that he would make things better and the sex will revive but the truth is he has kept me in a sexless marriage and has no regrets about it. He doesn’t try at all despite of me assuring him that I’ll be standing by his side to help him fight through it. He refused to go for counseling, he refused to stop watching porn and he no more responds to me in bed.
I read all the different stories from different women here, women who have wasted so many precious years of their lives and have ended up being divorced. And honestly, this makes me frightened and scared to an extent I can’t even measure. I don’t wanna leave this guy in misery for ever. And I don’t wanna see my life getting wasted like so many poor girls. A part of me tells me to be patient and wait and the other part tells me to quit before it’s too late.
I have no answers, and no one has given me any solution for my problem till now.
Hi Amy, I hope the resources here are helpful to you. I wonder if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? And here’s a link to a “catalog” of our top posts for wives. One of the things I hope you’ll find here is that we encourage you to create healthy boundaries in your marriage. Of course you don’t want to be miserable forever–and the reality is, a sexual addiction is not a healthy place for your husband to be, either. Your husband absolutely can get free from this, but that will be a work that he has to do. Meanwhile, you’ll have to consider what your boundaries are. Especially in Hope After Porn, you’ll read about women who had to make those hard choices, and what that looked like for different women in different situations. I hope that helps, as you think through where to go from here. Let me know! Blessings, Kay
Thankyou Kay. I’ll definitely read the material you have adviced.
Glad to know I’m not the only one with this problem! Been married nearly 30 years to the love of my life. We have four grown kids. And the only thing we’ve ever fought about in our marriage is his porn addiction. No matter how much he knows it hurts me he won’t stop. And of course it’s always my fault. Our kids have zero respect for him because he looks at porn and masturbates where anybody can see. He thinks he hides it well but obviously doesn’t. After years of feeling ugly and inadequite as a wife I attempted suicide. My thinking was that if he was so unhappy being with me my death would let him get a “better” wife. I now know that no real, physical woman can make him happy. It’s gotten to the point where he can’t get sexually aroused during normal sex. He’s made countless promises to quit, but to no avail. I was sexually abused as a child by my stepdad and he used pornography to show me what “everybody” did. So my husband knows I equate porn with abuse, but he doesn’t care. I love him and don’t want a divorce but don’t know what to do next. We’ve talked about this at length and he refuses to admit he has a problem. He insists I’m the one with the problem. He’s been looking at porn since he was a small child, since his parents kept a lot of porn in the house as he was growing up. I realize I can’t change him. But how do I get over feeling ugly/fat/old/unworthy? I’m only 49. Do I really want to spend another 20+ years like this? Thanks for posting about how this problem affects so many.
Hey Kelly, I’m glad you wrote in, but I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. My main concern is for you, your safety, and making sure that you’re getting the help and support you need, especially following a suicide attempt. I’m hoping that you’re in counseling as you recover from that, and decide where to go from here. If you need to find a therapist, I recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a good place to look, as they have counselors all over the country.
I don’t know how deeply you’ve dug into our archives here, but let me just give you a couple of links that might be helpful to you. First, Luke recently put together a list of our top articles for women, and that’s here. We also have a free download called Hope After Porn that I think would be useful for you. Several women talk about their experiences in situations like yours, and what kinds of boundaries they needed to put in place as they worked toward recovery.
Boundaries are a thing we talk about a lot here, and if you haven’t read up on boundaries before, I’d highly recommend Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. The best way I can describe boundaries is like the front door of your house. Everybody has one, with several locks, usually. It’s normal and healthy for us to decide who gets to come into our house. We don’t just leave the door open so every criminal can run in and grab whatever they want! And we get to have the same thing emotionally, as well. We all get to decide when to open the door, when to close the door. It’s just that when you live with an addict for many years, and especially if you grew up in an abusive situation as well, your door doesn’t work the way it should, and it seems normal for people to just run in and out at will, doing whatever they way. The idea behind boundaries is learning to decide what gets to come in, and what has to stay out.
It sounds to me like porn has just been allowed to run wild through your husband’s life and now through yours as well.
I would hope that you can find your door and shut it, because your very life is at stake.
Read through some of those resources, find a counselor, and let me know how it’s going.
Take the best possible care, Kay
I found that my husband is on porn sites and making dates. He denied it and I found emails. He got a bj from a guy. He denied it and finally after days of crying and shouting he confessed and said that it did not mean anything. He is know giving his cell phone out to strange women/ He denies that he met any of them. He says that the is just messing with them. I asked him if he is gay and said no, that he was just experimenting. He claims that he loves me. It is like am living with a stranger. He keeps saying it is up to me. I can’t trust him any more. He is willing to get a STD test, but then he said that if he had something that I would have gotten by now. Wow, that sure keeps me from sleeping.
He wants things back the way they use to be. This is destroying me. I can’t eat, sleep and barely breath. Is he gay? Why does he hate me? I’m pretty, smart, creative and well educated. I have always taken care of him and our 3 sons. I do everything. He asked if I have a fantasy—YES to have a maid!
He keeps calling me from work—I don’t answer. He comes home and acts like nothing is wrong.
We will be home alone this weekend. I am not looking forward to it. I feel like saying I am meeting a girlfriend to shop. I don’t want to shop. I am exhausted.ANd I don’t want to listen to his lies.
We go to a counselor next week. I don ‘t think I will last that long.
Hey Carol, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re in right now. It’s just heart breaking. I’m glad you’re going to a counselor. No matter what choices your husband makes, or what boundaries you decide are healthy for you right now, counseling for yourself is a really necessary support, I think. You need a place of safety to process through your emotions and to think about what’s next, and a good counselor will provide that to you. If you don’t feel safe and supported with this first counselor, keep looking until you find that. Counseling is a very personal service, and you should find the person who fits YOU. (Check the American Association of Christian Counselors website if you need more choices.)
Your concern about STD’s is absolutely on target, and I agree that you should not trust him at this point. Trust is a gift that we give only to trustworthy people. He has a long, long road ahead before trust will be appropriate.
I don’t know if you’ve poked around here on the website much, but here are a couple of things you might find helpful: a blog post with a “catalog” of articles for spouses, and our free download, called Hope After Porn–several women telling their stories of recovery. There’s good stuff in there about boundaries.
You might also appreciate Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Hold onto this: his behavior is NOT about you. He’s addicted to porn, and it has all these horrible side effects. It’s awful, but his bad choices are his own.
Kay, thanks for getting back to me. I will check out the articles you suggested. This past weekend was hard to get through. I have a terrible cold because I am so run down. He wanted to go over this crap again on Sat. I couldn’t. So Sun. started out with him wanting to know what I have planned. Planned?? What a joke. Christmas is breathing down my neck and the boys will be home and I have to pretend everything is great.
I have to get me back.
I’m sorry your weekend was so tough. I’m not surprised you’re sick. Stress is an immune-system killer. It’s such a hard time of year, I think, to have the “holiday dream” so at odds with the terrible reality of your pain. But maybe that’s what Emmanuel really means? God comes to be with us in the worst days of our lives, when we’re just at the end of ourselves. I’m praying for you, that God will pour out his love and care for you all through this Christmas season. Blessings, Kay
My message is for Luke…I know you wrote this article a while ago, but I just found it. Thank you. Thank you for your willingness to discuss your own personal experiences with pornography. Thank you for trying to help both those struggling with pornography addiction and their partners. I was married 2 times (both hid their addictions from me, and neither of them stopped). By the second time around, I tried to take my life because I didn’t know where to turn for help. I didn’t know who to talk to. Although I am re-married again (to a very cool guy)…I still struggle with the effects. I have recently started my own blog to try and help others, but I admit it is still very hard for me to talk about. I am kind of forcing myself to keep writing posts. It’s been liberating, but I know it is helping others. Please keep publishing more articles…keep them coming!! Your words offer such great comfort to my soul. Thank you!!
Thanks, Lisa. I appreciate the compliment!
I’d love to read more of your story. Which post on your blog gives a good synopsis of it?
Hi Luke, if I had to pick a post…I think it would be “Lifting the Gag Order.” I discuss some aspects of pornography and addiction I did not understand (as a woman), and the effects it had on me…leading up to my suicide attempt. This was quite some time ago, and luckily I have received most of the help I’ve needed to recover. I would love to know what you think. Thank you, Luke!!
Thanks for sharing, Lisa. I think the “gag order” is something a lot of husbands place on their wives, especially if they are coming from particularly conservative or religious circles. The promise of confidentiality is a hasty promise, because sometimes the most loving thing we can do for others trapped in sin is bring them before others who can actually help them.
Luke, yes…this is exactly what happened. My goal at this point is to help other women in my own circles to open up and speak. I hope I can help people avoid the shame and powerlessness I experienced by keeping quiet. Thanks again for all that you do. Keep writing!! :D
“It’s not because you’re not enough, not beautiful, and that he doesn’t find you attractive,” Shelli Mandeville says. “It’s so important that women get that.”
This statement is such BS and totally skirts around the issue of why men watch porn. The average woman in America is not at a healthy weight. The average porn star weighs 47 pounds less than the average American woman. Why are men watching porn? Because most of the women are good looking and in shape and do everything in the bedroom.
You want to tackle the problem of porn realistically … start dealing with reality. Also, start admitting a puritan attitude towards sex has backfired in America. Making things taboo makes it desirable. A healthier attitude towards sex is need in America.
I mostly disagree. While many people (not just women) in America are not a healthy weight, this is not the central reason why men watch porn. Men watch porn because it is low-risk, self-centered, and enjoyable. Many men are drawn to porn who have wives who are sexually eager and not overweight. If Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband can have a $3000 porn habit, the problem is does not rest with the wife.
I do agree that a prudish attitude toward sex is not the answer. I completely agree we need to not make sex a taboo subject, as is the case in Western culture.
What I’m not sure about is your comment about tackling the problem of porn “realistically.” What does that mean?
Also, women need to stop blaming men for the destruction of marriages. The reality is that with the rise of feminism, marriage has been destroyed. Women take no responsibility for anything in life. Until then, men are always going to look elsewhere. Especially in America because American women are the worst out of every woman in the world. Heck, American women kill babies in abortion and then speak of domestic violence when they have killed more women than all the wars in the world combined. It is hypocrisy and women are at the center of it. If you think this is too harsh, I hope you don’t have a son because he will face what I am talking about —- hypocritical women who take no responsibility for anything.
I agree that if men are unhappy in their marriages, they will often look elsewhere for satisfaction, but why is that not their fault? Men need to take stock of what it means to be married, to be in a committed relationship where you “forsake all others,” no matter the circumstances.
I do agree that men and women need to stop blaming each other for their own sins. Let each person own up to their own problems.
Luke, I don’t know how to reply to your reply other than replying to my initial message. I want to answer your question because I think it is important. About Christie Brinkley, just because a woman is a world famous model it doesn’t mean she is good in bed or even has a lot of sex. I have found that some of the most beautiful women out there are terrible in the bedroom. Why? Because they think their beauty is enough. I completely understand why Brinkley’s husband went to porn. Also, Brinkley pushed sex herself. Why is she so suprised her husband would look at porn, when she literally personified sex for a generation of men?
See, this gets to the reality of sex. Women use it their entire lives to get what they want until they get so old they can no longer use it. Yet, we never call women on this fact. We skirt around it so we don’t upset the political correctness of this world. I mean literally there are billions of porn pictures on the net. That doesn’t count homemade porn, videos, strip joints, lingeries stores, etc. The reality is women make themselves into sexual objects. Like I said in an article I sent. There are tons of jobs in this world. Tons of them that do not require pushing sex.
That is what I mean by realistically. We are only dealing with one side of the equation. That is all we ever do. It is the male’s fault and the woman is innocent. Heck, we assume it is only men who cheat. Trust me when I say, as a single man, more women cheat than you can imagine. Two things happen in our culture we never talk about regarding women. They are that women are cheating like crazy and underage girls go after older men all the time. Society always frames the issue as the devoted mother staying at home while the husband cheats or the innocent underage girl who is victimized by a man. The reality if people actually dealt with reality is that there are many married women cheating and many underage girls purposely going after older men. If a person is an attractive male that is successful, you will see that easily.
Until women are more accountable. The porn/sex issue in America will never get better. But really this should not surprise anyone. The bible speaks of women who are temptresses. Nothing has changed from biblical days and America is the new sodom. Heck, internet porn traffic clearly shows this fact.
I don’t think we disagree. I don’t think men being accountable and women being accountable are mutually exclusive options, or that one needs to happen before the other. We write about both men and women taking ownership of their wrongdoings and lies they believe about sexuality. I understand that you are trying to correct an imbalance you see in communication out there, but the tone of your comments suggests you think men shouldn’t be accountable. I could just be misreading you.
I notice you did not post my comment which is contrary to all the rest of these. I am sorry I do not buy into the victim mentality. Also, there are very real reasons why people watch porn. The puritanism of America is one. The out of control obesity is another. The reality is if you escape to porn there is a reason and most often that reason is that you are not getting something you need at home. So, let’s be fair on this issue and post everyone’s comments. Also, let’s be honest about this issue. The women are good looking and on average, 47 pounds lighter than the average American woman. Then, human beings are made to have sex. If they weren’t, it would not feel good and we would not have been given hormones. Sex would just be a one time thing to propagate the species.
No reason I didn’t post your comment except that I was out of the office for the weekend. They’re up now.
This article has helped to finally accept that I have a right to be upset and disappointed. I have searched and posted in so many forums for advice only to be told “it’s a boy thing”, “he’ll resent you if you push him” or “you’re over reacting. It’s not like he’s cheating”. These comments only led me to believe that if I can’t get past it then there must be something wrong with me and that it is my fault my husband views porn.
We’ve been married for 2 years, but been together for 9 years all up. When we meet there were porn magazines in his room which probably should’ve been my first sign, but I put it down to a single mans right. I didn’t say anything about and we moved in together they didn’t come with us. 4 years passed without an incident (at least not one I knew of). Then during the pregnancy of our 2nd child I heard him moaning in our bed as I slept beside him. He was masturbating to porn on his phone. I pretended not to notice and sleepingly asked what he was doing. He said nothing and got up and left the room. I didn’t say anything about it. I assumed he was lonely because medically I wasn’t allowed to have sex during my high risk pregnancy. Afterwards he left slept on the floor after one night he hit me in his sleep. His excuse was he didn’t want to hurt me, but I still heard his muffled moans. I can’t express the pain in caused in my heart and I often cried silently asleep.
Once cleared for sex, our sex life picked up and I felt like a school girl in love again. He became so affectionate throughout the day. I felt happy and thought everything was fine. Then we got married.
Maybe the ring on his finger weighs him down? The porn returned. The history on my computer was explicit and again I felt hurt. When I confronted him, I was angry and probably didn’t handle it well, but he promised not to do it anymore. Our sex life picked up again for a short time, then dropped again just as fast.
One month his phone bill came in at $350. I went through the detailed list trying to find out how it sky rocketed. There were hundreds of entries to adult content text messages and phone services. He denied the whole thing. He said the guys at work were all discussing it so he sent one message and it automatically signed it up. Coincidently the date of the texts and calls were at night weren’t they? But I believed him and worked hard with the phone and adult companies to have the charges removed. When they continued to be denied after 3 months, my husband finally admitted they were his fault. I was angry he lied for 3 months to me, but after reading that I shouldn’t be confrontational, I calmly discussed it with him. Told him how it hurt, that I felt degraded and disrespected. He said he had a problem and wanted to stop. I asked if there was anything he wanted to try with me and he said no he didn’t want to see me the way he sees them. I was his wife not a porn star. I didn’t know how to react so left that comment unanswered. We ended the conversation with he will stop.
Recently while trying to help me find an app on his phone, I noticed porn videos on his downloads lists dated 3 days prior. Again he denied knowledge saying they must have downloaded by themselves. How can they download by themselves unless you’re looking at the sites? Does he think I’m idiot? Reinforced I was hurt and again he promised he’ll stop. Then today while looking for a website I visited last week in the computers history, there they are again! Dated the day after our last conversation. I’m so hurt and wondering if our marriage is worth the lies.
He isn’t home at the moment but I have the urge to make up the spare room and chuck all his clothes in there. I don’t want him to come home at all right now and I don’t know what to do. How can a marriage survive on lies, deceit, secrets and disrespect?
Hey Annette. I’m so glad you found us and wrote in! First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you’re experiencing such pain in your marriage. You absolutely do have the right to be angry, hurt, sad, scared–all of those things. This is NOT what your marriage vows were about!
Second, let me say that we believe in boundaries around here! While I’d agree that a lot of screaming and yelling and trying to control is not healthy, ignoring it isn’t healthy either.
His addiction is his responsibility–that’s one boundary. How you choose to deal with your marriage as it is right now–that’s another boundary. Have you read our free download, Hope After Porn? Several women tell their stories of dealing with this in marriage, and how they chose to handle their boundaries. You might also appreciate the classic, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
You asked, “How can a marriage survive on lies, deceit, secrets, and disrespect?” Well, it can’t. I think you already know that. It’s just a terrible, terrible place to be.
As you consider a way forward, I’d recommend locating a counselor for yourself, so you can think about what you want to do next.
If he’s at all interested in recovery, he might appreciate this article.
I am dying inside. I found out about my husband’s porn addiction two years ago. He was not remorseful until he realized how much it hurt me. I don’t think he ever felt remorse on his own though. He went through a year of a recovery program and we had some marriage counseling. That year he did great although I could see his commitment was half hearted but at least he went. He was fine all year and got his one year chip. Three weeks after he relapsed and looked at some celebrity nude photos. He told me right away because he panicked and realized he just lost his one year progress. It hurt me so badly I cannot even look at this celebrity’s face on TV. Fast forward 6 months and he was googling how to fix our fence and clicked on the one naked picture in all the google images that came up. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and moved on. (Ps I found that one myself going through his history). In the past 3 weeks he has clicked on 4 different links. The first again of the same celebrity while I was just in the other room booking our family vacation (which was to mark and ending to a hard but successful year because we are still married and somehow pretty happy inspite the relapses). His second and third clicks were for an app that keeps things private on your phone. We are actually both off of Facebook because he realized last summer that fb was a trigger for him, now he’s looking into private social media apps. The 4th click was the most disturbing to me but close second to the celebrity because I could not believe he looked at her again after what happened last year. This 4th link was of a family and I saw a little boy in there naked. My heart dropped and I panicked because I could not believe that my husband would even be curious about a link that said the word family. On top of that I cannot get out of my mind the extent of what it means that my husband is contributing to the propagation of child porn and possibly human trafficking. We have two young boys ourselves and I have been nauseous all week that he went to a site like that while he was in the bathroom and the rest of us were out and about in the house. Last night I had a crying fit. I couldn’t stop crying no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t stop thinking of that little boy and that my husband would look at that woman again with me in the other room booking our vacay. I cried for over an hour while he sat there and stared at me yawning and scratching his head and skin (which was seriously driving me insane because it sounded like he was just there out of obligation and not compassion for me) I told him to stop scratching and quit watching me. He got an attitude and left. I grabbed my purse and left the house with not shoes on and drove 100 miles. Now I’m sitting in my car with a broken heart and terrified/disgusted/nauseous to go home. All I keep thinking is “who is this person? Why did I marry him? Is my only solution divorce?” He did not even try to comfort me. He went and contacted his old sponsor, I took his phone and cleaned out all the apps, made him download a safety browser and told him if I ever see him on his phone I’m throwing it in the toilet. I am desperate, I feel so alone and hopeless. My parents are divorced and I can’t bring myself to hurt my sons that way, but I don’t think I can take the heartbreak over and over like this. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life. I’m so nauseous I have barely eaten all week and tomorrow we are supposed to go on vacation when all I want to do is hide in a cave and cry. Is my husband beyond hope? Should I move on? I keep asking God to give me a sign. To give me direction. I can’t go on living like this. Please pray for me!
Mary, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in right now.
I don’t think that divorce is the only solution; we do see marriages healed and made whole. HOWEVER, it does depend upon your husband’s willingness to work his program regardless of his relapses. It sounds like he was kind of white-knuckling it to the end of his first year, maybe thinking it would be all in the past by then. Clearly, that’s not the case, and he needs to pick himself up and get serious about his recovery again. I’m glad he contacted his sponsor, and I hope that helps him get back on track. It sounds like he really needs to get back into regular meetings and figure out what’s going on with himself.
I think it’s also time for you to get serious about your own support. Many, many women who find themselves in this situation meet the criteria for PTSD, and yet I find that there is very little emphasis put on the wife’s recovery. My best advice to you right now is this: find a personal counselor. I hope your husband pulls himself together. But whether he does, or doesn’t, you’ve got to get help for you. You have children. You have to make good choices for yourself and for them in a tough situation. Get help while you do that!
You might also appreciate Jen and Craig Ferguson’s book, Pure Eyes Clean Heart. Here’s an article from Jen, with a link to the book at the end. What Jen says in this article is so true: Jesus won’t let go of you. Even when you can’t go on, even when you don’t know what to do. Jesus knows how to go on, and he knows what to do, and he holds onto you, every step of the way.
Blessings and prayers, Kay
Hi am having trouble with my man we been together for a year I find porn on him phone on Netflix and he tells me it was not him and that he loves me and wants to marrie me but he don’t touch me we do maby ones every two weeks or three weeks but love me he loves looking in the street at woman that are size 0 and big ass but he don’t look at me that way I just need some help in what to do cus talking to him is not the way to go I’m done with talking to him about it now he just gets mad when I start talking please help me what should I do
I don’t now what to do I’m just thinking of just leaving and letting him get what he really needs cuz he don’t show me I’m what he wants I want love and everything that a man in love will give am done with the lies
Hi Madeline, your frustration is understandable. And sometimes separation is a really healthy boundary to have. Have you seen this article by Ella? It might help you think through where you are, and what’s next. Also, our free download Hope After Porn is stories of several women who’ve been right where you are. Some of them chose separation as part of the recovery process as well. Whatever you decide, I hope you’ll get support for yourself in this. Personal counseling can really help. Groups are great, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch are all places you can check for support as you process these decisions. Blessings, Kay
The comments regarding women’s self esteem suffers and they think they are not “attractive enough for their husband” —After over 20 years, eventually your husband will tell you that “He’s just not attracted to you anymore and that you just don’t move” –but if you move he loses it”! His penis eventually turns to become a weinee and there is nothing you or anyone can do about it but him. Someone needs to get some real answers from women who have been putting up with this crap and staying married for years. Most young women do not understand until their husband can no longer have sex with them. Husbands start treating their wives awful and many of their behaviors change. I was a porn watcher with my first husband until it made him not want to be married anymore. After 30 years, he informed my daughter that he had made a huge mistake of leaving. My second husband is ridiculous and I believe he had become a porn addict in his early teens. He can’t do shit and is impotent with me now that I am older. So much for a wonderful marriage that he talks like we have as we have been roommates for a good 10 years now. He still acts like I don’t like sex but it was never a problem – lots of men when I had been divorced for 10 years and no one was complaining.
Hey Deborah. I think one of the underlying issues in many marriages is the question of boundaries. We just aren’t taught to think about boundaries, and how to respond when our boundaries are violated. As women, we often receive the message that if we’re pretty enough, nice enough, and have sex enough, we’ll live happily ever after. But the reality is, we can’t control the choices of another person, even when that person is our husband. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our own healthy boundaries. Our partners have to do the same. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great book on the topic, and here’s an article Ella wrote recently. Blessings, Kay
Good day!Before,I am confidently beautiful with the heart but after I found out that my husband was searching nude,sexy and erotic images and videos on facebook,I felt so ugly and unsexy.My husband has been working in a country where pornsites are banned.On his first contract for two years,He always asked me to send him nude pictures and videos of me.I told him I’m not comfortable doing those things but he told me he needs it really bad.I don’t want my husband to get it from another woman who will do it for him,so I did what he asked.That happened for two years.Then last november,he went home for a vacation.I found porn videos on his laptop.I thought that was okay since he said it was helping him to satisfy his needs.One day,I caught him watching it.I did’t get mad,and I just thought that he might want make love that moment,so we did.We made it while watching the video.From time to time he was looking at the video which made me think that maybe,he’s imagining that he’s having sex with the pornstar and not me.I didn’t told him what I felt because I know I can’t do everything he wants in bed.Instead,I tried to gave him the best I can to please him in bed.I gave it to him when he wants to,I made sure we enjoyed every moment of it.But when he get back to work abroad,I found in his search history that he has been searching for nude,hot and sexy images and videos on facebook.When I checked the dates,I found out that its the only thing he’s searching every single day.Everyday:( Last night we videochat and we did it on cam.I thought he wouldn’t search for nude girls on facebook because I already satisfied him that day.Today I checked his searches and I found 30 searches for 1 day.I feel bad for myself,and i’m thinking that i wasn’t enough to satisfy him anymore.I am also concern about him because I don’t want him to get addicted to it.And he might loose his interest in me and find another woman who can satisfy him.We have one child and he told me that for him,my body looks perfectly after giving birth.But now,I find it hard to believe it.I want him to know how I feel but I don’t know how to tell him.I know he would blame for invading his privacy.I dont know what to feel right now.Please help me:(
Hey Barbs. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage right now.
I think your concerns are legitimate, regarding addiction, losing interest in sex with you, and moving from porn to infidelity. We hear that story over and over again here: porn-induced erectile dysfunction, affairs, etc. Porn use does tend to escalate into more and more acting out.
And I think you’re perhaps also realizing that his porn use is NOT about you, your sexual performance, or your appearance. This is the choice that he makes, and it is his choice.
It seems to me that the number of searches you’ve seen indicates a fairly high level of use. You have to think about what your boundaries need to be in this situation. What is comfortable for you? What is healthy for you? What kind of relationship do you want to be a part of?
Here and here are two articles about boundaries as you think this through. Here are some more articles you might want to explore. Here’s a link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women share their stories.
It’s not easy to make these decisions. Take your time, think things through. Find a counselor if you want, to help you process your emotions and decide on boundaries. There are groups as well: xxxChurch, Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire.
So I am not the only one with this big problem. By reading of these commnets, I saw myself in them. My husband and I married for almost 12 years now, we have been together for almost 15 years. Our second marriage, both of us. We got 5 kids together, two of each from previous marriage then one daughter together. I have known about his porn addiction for long time, maybe about 10 years now. We tried counseling, we talked a lot about it and he tried to go to S anon, because he said he want to keep our marriage. All those things did not help him to stop.he constantly lying to me. I always see towels every where in our house that he used when he masturbate. Our sex life is so bad, takes months before we have sex. He is having problem with erection when we are having sex but no problem if he masturbate, watching porn. His reason is we are getting old and he is bigger, always tired. I caught him cheating with girls from another country, promising them to bring to america. Telling them he is divorced. I am the primary provider family for a while, now he has a decent job, helping me a little bit with the bills. We have separate account and he just giving me some money, not all his paycheck because I want him to be responsible for his own bills. Lately we are having fights about money, addition to our sucks sex life,, I feel like we grown apart. I have been thinking about separation but our daughter is not old enough to fully understand our problem. He also said that he is not leaving this house as long as our daughter is living here, means until she turns 18. I still love my husband despite of our problem but I am getting tired of our cycle. I am tired of getting mad that is what I told to my daughter then she said “if you are tired why don’t you separate?”. I want him to leave but he doesn’t want to and I don’t know the real reason for that. He still doing porn on his ipad and desk top when I am not around, I know it. I don’t know what to do anymore. Any suggestion?
Hey there.
I would say, find yourself a counselor who can help you process your emotions and consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation.
You might appreciate two articles about boundaries, here and here. Also, an article from Luke Gilkerson about when divorce becomes a reality.
I’m so sorry for the pain of this marriage, and for your husband’s ongoing problems. Whatever he chooses, I hope you will choose health and healing for YOU. Blessings, Kay
Hi Luke, many thanks for this article and for all of the other comment for which I’m deeply moved. I’m myself dealing with my husband’s porn adiction and getting nowhere. I’ve done so much research and observation of him trying to find out where he exactly comes from and why porn is something he seemingly “needs” in his life. My husband adiction is not a sex adiction. Is a fantasy adiction and I can see similarities with your own experience. He turns to porn because he has made associations with “porn and feeling better” his fantasies are not “sexual” let’s to speak. Are fantasies about being “better than” “more than” “winning” “being more dominant” “more assertive” etc… And the porn offers an excellent platform to live up to this fantasies instead of working in the real deeper issues that are bringing him down. So at this stage he turns to porn and masturbation for mostly everything. If he is not feeling good so he can feel good, if he is feeling good so he can feel better, if he is horny for quick release… Everything. I’ve confronted him about it and he denies it. He’s nowhere in a place where he will accept not even that he looks at it. I know it’s not sexual and overall fantasy because when he can’t masturbate to it, he will only look at it which in my opinion is pretty uncommon. Through his fantasies, my husband has built and builds an image of himself that doesn’t match the reality and allows him to get by in his “alternative” reality without having to deal with the deeper issues that have turned him to poem in the first place. I’ve been married for a year and a half and love my husband but how long can I keep going without him being ready to accept there are issues we need to work at? Our sexual life is deprive of intimacy and he doesn’t connect with me (or anyone really) at an emotional level. I’ve read “your husband and porn” as well as “hope after porn” but I’m not able to get my husband to move on from the denial even though he is accessing porn in the office if he knows I’m going to be home in the evening :-( otherwise he would look at it at home connecting his iPad to a massive to screen in the living room….I believe is the personality that drives him to the porn and not the porn itself. Porn is only a conducive mean and extension of his fantasy world. My husband is 40, I’m 36, we are both educated people and attractive (by this society standards) I feel he desperately looks to make connections with the real world and he is constantly looking at other women (no matter how they really look like) in the street in order to bring them into his fantasies to make it all seem more real for him. I’m deeply sadden and don’t know what to do…
Hey there. Well, it sounds like you’ve done a lot of thinking about this already. Your final sentence here is so, so important: you have deep emotions to process, and you have decisions to make. I would encourage you to find a good, mature therapist who can help you process those emotions and work toward healthy boundaries in this situation.
It sounds like you’ve already tried reaching out to him through normal means, and he doesn’t recognize the problem. The fact that he is unable to connect emotionally is especially important, and I think calls for you to carefully consider your boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles, as well as Luke’s article on when divorce becomes a reasonable option. I’m not saying that you need to divorce your husband, but that there are instances where divorce becomes the last sad choice, and it’s good to consider what boundaries really are appropriate or not in your particular case. Those are such difficult things to process, which is why I think counseling could be helpful. You might also appreciate the online group Bloom, which has private forums and classes you can take.
If you have not read any of John Gottman’s research on marriage, I’d encourage you to look at The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. And in reference to porn in particular, this Gottman Institute article. Gottman will tell you that the ability to connect emotionally is the most basic building block of a relationship. (Here’s a short video.)
I hope some of that is helpful as you process through these hard things. Peace, Kay
So I have read alot of your comments here. Most of us can relay some disagree.
Im here to venge just like you.
Im angry hurt loss confused sad depress unattractive my self esteem is 0%. Everything you feel I feel in so many words.
When I got married to my husband 2012 i already knew his flaws. We have had so many rough patches begining of our marriage but fought for many years to be where we are at now. Porn was an addiction for him. Even if i went to the extreme to do everything he watched i felt i was never enough. It led to other things as breaking our vowels Cheating not just once or twice or three times it was numurous times because i allowed myself to go ahead and be open and compermise to his needs. Yes i tryed the watching porn phase. It didnt last. It was boring to me. Cause he never did anything like that to me on porns but he expected me to do those kinda of things. Suppose to be 50 50 right. Well i didnt feel then i needed to put out anymore effort in out marriage we seperated id say 13 times the very last time was a very long time away from eachother he ended up in prison. Cause we fought over women that it domestically hurt us. Dramatically. He then promised never will he hurt me again were now in 2017. When he got out of prison he went straight to the women he cheated with me for years. Then he called me said he wanted to come home. Its veen a year he hasnt cheated. Im supposed to be healed from all this. Im not allowed to feel i cant trust him. Im not allowed to feel his variety addiction is 100% vanished. Im supposed to now feel im all he needs that god healed his sickness and his main focus and priority is just me.
NO! Church dose not help paying a counsler dose not help. Having your one best friend who is your husband is only suppose to make you feel safe secure sexy appriciated. I loss my self. I gained weight we dont go out we dont have fun we dont have the amount of sex we use to now im bored.
Did i ask for it? He oftwn tells me if i act right maybe we can have more sex or go on dates am i being punished now. I am suppose to be able to feel i can come to my husband say hey were not doing so well in this dept etc etc. Not keep it in tell that bomb explodes cause im too scare to speak cause im at fault often.
I believe hes been faithful this year. But the one slightest change makes me feel jumpy. He says im the only wife on this earth that acts bipolar cause he knows i worry. Well i was molded and no im not healed nor feel secure safe yet i dont know when i will. So i got upset with him yesterday asked if i cant be open with out it all being my fault then tell me Why are you still in this marriage?
He said he sometimes ask himself that!
I told him do remember you said that. I didnt speak to him for the rest of the day night. He left his phone home yes i went through it yes i went through call logs emails etc i didnt find anything to track him cheating. I did find porn though. I then lost it. Cause with him my experience before leads to other things as it did drasticly before. I asked him about it he said cause i did not give him sex last night. Right ummm we rarely ever have sex so that makes it ok now to watch porn. Rather then promiseing to move foward keeping our marriage strong he opened old doors and taking steps back again. Now no i can not teust him once again. He xant last no more then year. He says this is how marriages are its hard we work through it. Being deceitful looking at other womens goods then me. You dont even do those things to me how is that right?
My 17 year ole told me he may change for a bitt but it wont last very long she dont want to continue to see me hurt anymore so she chose to move away. I have made tremendous sacrifices for my marriage fought for it xause that is what your suppose to do. But im tired now. I feel he didnt change the bandaid came off hes back to his same ole habits and if not now it will ve here. No im not claiming it. Its just from experience yes porn destroys marriages compermiseing destroys marriages. Feeling hurt is more then words express by your husband that thinks your crazy now and you only allow what you make your self feel. No your husband is suppose to make you feel secure safe happy that there is no worries or am i just asking for too much cause now he says i am. Asking to be loved on emotionally attached mentally physically should not lead to porn. Your number priority is to make your wife feel she is the only one for you.
And i dont feel that no more.
I know my husband watches porn, he has since he was like 12, which it’s fine. Him watching porn is not my issue, I watch it too occasionally. Lately we have gone through a very rough patch, we are still going through it. What I have realized is that since we have been working to save our marriage, it’s like the only time he wants to have sex with me it’s because we were just talking about a porn star. I don’t arouse him anymore. I don’t turn him anymore. This is when I feel like our marriage is over. If I, your wife who’s ok with you watching porn, even talking about it, trying to try out new things to spice up our sex life, but clearly I my self can’t turn you on anymore, even if you say I’m beautiful and sexy and you love my body, but you only get aroused after a porn star was talked about, I feel like that we are done. There’s nothing else left between us and it hurts like hell. I feel like a complete worthless loser because I can’t turn him on anymore. What than? All I want to do is give up
Hi Val, it sounds to me like the emotional side of your relationship has eroded. Here’s an article from The Gottman Institute that you might be interested in reading.