What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You Imagine you go to the doctor and learn that you might have cancer. You are sent home and told to come back next week to find out. You don’t know if you have cancer, what kind, or your prognosis. Suddenly you don’t know what your future looks like or how much of a future you even have. As you look at your kids, you’ll wonder if they will have to grow up without a mom or dad. You don’t know your own reality anymore. What will you focus on during that next week? Will … Continue reading →
If you had tried to convince me 11 years ago that I needed to respect my porn-addicted husband, I would have laughed in your face. Not the “funny ha-ha” kind of laugh. More like a sneer with words dripping with venom: I’ll respect him when he’s worthy of my respect. What has he done that is remotely respectable? You’re telling me that I need to respect him? After he has repeatedly disrespected me? No. Absolutely not. No one tried to convince me, though, because no one knew. No one knew Craig was addicted to porn. No one knew that our marriage … Continue reading →
Fantasy seems like an invincible foe. Close your eyes and you can picture anything you want, with no one to stop you. Unlimited helpings of dessert, without gaining any weight? Done. Scoring the winning touchdown in next year’s Super Bowl? Done. Being on the beaches of Tahiti instead of studying for your final exam? Done. The Danger of Fantasy Your imagination can take you places in the blink of an eye with fantasy. The first question one might ask is, what’s so wrong with this? The above examples of fantasy are certainly innocent enough, but what happens if these fantasies … Continue reading →
Some movies start with a serene setting, only to have the world collapse around the main character in the first two minutes. A wife discovering porn is a lot like that. Life seems normal, almost on autopilot. Then she picks up her husband’s iPad and, on a hunch, glances at his history. Her world explodes. She feels shock, betrayal, hurt, anger, and confusion–all with white hot intensity and all at the same time. Then her husband walks in. She explodes on him. Neither saw the bomb coming. Neither of them know what to do with the raging fire resulting from … Continue reading →
Fifteen years ago, Dave called a dating line hoping to have a sexual conversation with a woman. Even though he confessed it, he was unwilling to admit the seriousness of his offense. I asked him to leave. He gathered a few things and stormed out of the house angry and devastated. It wasn’t just the dating line incident that prompted this decision. Twenty years of his on and off sexual acting had inflicted trauma wounds. Strip clubs, adult bookstores, and pornography had violated the sanctity of our marriage. I was finally at the point my counselor had warned me about, … Continue reading →