I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”
Silence.
Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.
“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.
“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”
“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.
“There have been. Yes.”
I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.
When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.
Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”
“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”
Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’
Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.
I had to do something, but what?
Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.
My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.
People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.
Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.
After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.
For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.
Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.
The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”
It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.
Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.
I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.
I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.
Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.
I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.
I’m sorry-but reading ur post has made me so mad! My husband is the very same way! So all those attributes that your husband finds so beautiful…I say let those men find a woman who has those attributes. My thinking is that I’m beautiful. And I deserve better. Even if “better” means…by myself. I will never allow any so called man tell me that someone else is in any way better than me. Marriage is not a contest. the way I see it-if she’s so beautiful them go! Don’t cry over this, be grateful! Ur seeing HIM in his true light. As an ugly individual that basis self-worth off what someone looks like! I say dump him. It’s more likely-that he will run back to u all apologetic begging ur forgiveness Bc I can tell u first hand that he’s going to have a really Hard time finding anyone that’s willing to even put up with him. And I would place those words on my grandmothers grave. U deserve better and u deserve more
Wow, what a lovely thought that the love from God is unconditional and it is the only truth. Other people’s views and social conditioning is nothing, irrelevant, pointless, especially when compared to God’s love. To view oneself through God’s eyes and find that there is only love is wonderful, thank you for the post xxx.
(((robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com))) … restored my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me……………………
Hey, just reading through your post and some of the replies. Although my husband of 23 years has not had a porn addiction, he does drink quite a lot at times and this tends to cause all kinds of trouble. a couple of days ago I got a call out of the blue from a friend that I see from time to time. She’s always been a good friend to me as far as I knew, but she said she called to tell me something and she didn’t want me to get mad. So I’m think OH NO, and she says that my husband has text her and ask her out just the evening before and she’s not sure what to do about it. I ask her to send me a copy of the text not that I didn’t believe her, I wanted to read it for my self, it read like this:
“I would like to talk to you sometime,
if you would be interested in seeing me.
I have always thought you were very
beautiful…if you say no Please don’t tell
on me just because I think your beautiful”
Well needless to say i have been crushed ever since. I ask him about it and at first he lied to me and said he had never talked to other women. Then I read the text to him word for word. I told him he has never once in all the time we’ve been together had ever said I was beautiful much less VERY BEAUTIFUL. I don’t know what to do. My heart is broken, I feel like I’ve wasted all these years with someone who just kept me around to make his life comfortable (I do all the cooking, laundry, shopping, child care, cleaning etc.) How do I forgive and forget when I’m not sure it won’t happen again. And to make things worse my friend tells me this isn’t the first time he’s gotten in touch with her. But it was the first time he ask her out. So Now What???? I’m so lost….
Hey Trish. I’m so sorry, but so glad that your friend was honest with you. I think you need to carefully consider what healthy boundaries will look like in this situation. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and figure out what’s going on. Peace, Kay
Hi there , This article gives all woman a perspective that how to see ur beauty. Whenever we get dependant on others specially on our boyfriend , Fiance nd husband for our beauty it hurts . Its rare to find a person who loves truly ur soul otherwise they love ur physical appearance. That is the reason by the passing of time when ur outer beauty faded so called that love fades itself.
yeah, but let’s not forget that that shape god created to whom he sees as perfect other people men who are the ones sexually stimulated by it doesn’t sees it that way, god sees the hottest and ugliest people (according to people’s perspective)
both equally perfect, while people’s see some as ugly and some as hot.
Summary, God is so selfish and unfair
I was feeling quite sad tonight, and reading you ladies comments makes me feel like I’m not crazy. I’m not married though. My exboyfriend 4 yrs ago told me he preferred blue eyes. I have brown. He told me since then that what he meant was, HE wished HE had blue eyes (he has light brown). Also since then I was able to guess his passwrods to his dating websites and true to form, every woman he’s contacted has had blue eyes. You’re not going to believe this, but half the reason we broke up was because I always felt second best. It’s a sad feeling to look into your man’s face and feel doubt about yourself in your heart. On the other hand, it’s a glorious feeling, the feeling every woman should feel at least once, to look at your man and feel confidence and peace deep in your heart. Bad feeling feeling second best. I resented him greatly and to this day, can honestly say, if he had not made me feel second best, we’d probably still be together.
Hi there. I’m so glad you found a safe place here. I hope you’ll continue to find safe places where people love you and value you as you are–created in the image of God, beloved, precious and honored. You’re never second best to God, and you won’t be second best to people who really, truly love you. Blessings, Kay
I can all relate to all the women out there. I also found out about my husband watching porn on his stupid cell phone, 10 months after getting married. It has already been 5 years after finding out, and till this day i still canot trust him. Every time we go out is a struggle for me with the fear of him finding someone else attractive. I get really depress if i think that he finds someone else attractive. He dosent even have access to any kind of internet because of my jelousy. Since that day i never feel good enough. Every time whe have sex all i cant think is probably he is getting of to the thought of other women and not me.
Hey there, thanks for sharing. I think it’s pretty normal for women to have the kinds of feelings you’re talking about, but it does worry me that you’re still feeling so insecure 5 years on.
First of all, I want to say that it is your husband’s job to deal with his choices online. Hopefully it’s not just you making sure he’s not using the internet. I can’t even imagine a person “not having access to any kind of internet” at this point in human history, so I’m not sure exactly how you’re making that happen. I think a healthier approach would be for him to learn how to manage his own internet use in a better way. If he never figures that out, if you keep on with the situation as it is? PORN IS STILL CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE, even if he’s not looking at it. He needs to get in control of his own stuff: internet filtering, accountability with real live men who can help him through, counseling if he needs it.
Second, just like his stuff is his job, your stuff is your job. The struggle you have with fear, depression, and your own thoughts about whether you are attractive enough? That is your problem to deal with. You may need a personal counselor to help you process through this. You might also benefit from going to a group where people are talking about how to have healthy boundaries and how to make good choices for yourself without having to control others.
Third, I hope you’ll take advantage of the resources here at Covenant Eyes, Porn and Your Husband and Hope After Porn are free downloads. Here’s a link to some of our most popular articles for women.
Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think. There is more for your marriage than being stuck like this! Blessings, Kay
Hi there – This comment is for the wonderful author Ashley Weis. I have been looking everywhere for your book, Beyond the Mirror and have had no luck. Amazon and Barnes and Noble carry it but for a very expensive amount of money! I believe that your book is definitely worth the amount they are asking for, but I cannot simply afford it. Can you suggest any less expensive options? I discovered my husband’s addiction about 10 months ago. He is free of his bondage but of course, I am still growing in my relationship with God after discovering this. Your book would be of great help! Thanks for any help.
Hi Catherine, I wonder if you’ve checked out our free download, Hope After Porn? Several women share their stories of recovery. And here’s a list of more articles here on the blog that you might find helpful. All those resources are free. Blessings, Kay
My story is this – married to the man of my dreams for 22 years. Last year I discovered him watching porn, and over the next year has admitted more and more things to me, including watching porn every night for a year, and fantasizing about his co-workers, friends, the checkout girl at the grocery store, ending up at the point where he admits that I “stopped being the girl of his dreams” 13 years ago, but that it’s “starting to come back”. He said he didn’t find me attractive at all when he first met me, and that for the last 13 years he “wasn’t proud to have me on his arm”. I have since lost 50 lbs, went blonde (for ME), and dress to be more attractive. He says I look better. But even still, he can’t give me a compliment without qualifying it – “I think you’re beautiful, but you’re not the ONLY woman I find beautiful”, “I really enjoy looking at beautiful women – but hey – you’re one of them”, and my favorite “I think other women are beautiful, but you’re cute too”. He admits to checking out dozens of young women a day. Do I have to just accept this as “boys will be boys”? My esteem is devastated.
This makes me so sad, Kerry. Research is showing that with extensive porn use comes this kind of narcissistic entitlement: “You’re only valuable to me if you meet my personal standards of beauty, and I’m always looking around for something better, just because I can.”
The crazy thing about this is that we KNOW our appearance is only skin-deep! We KNOW that real relationship is about who we are in the inside, not how we look on the outside! This is not news to anybody! And yet, we end up living our lives all on the surface, when the emotional and spiritual nourishment we need, and all HAVE, deep inside of us, gets ignored in favor of something that’s not even real. It’s heart breaking.
Your husband may indeed live in this sad and shallow lie for the rest of his life, and that is devastating if he makes that choice.
But YOU. YOU don’t have to live in those lies! I don’t care how much you weigh, how much cellulite you have, if your clothes come from Goodwill, or if your hair is purple. You can know the truth and let it set you free. This is who you are: precious and beloved and valuable and honored. God loves you with an everlasting love, and He has a life for you based on that truth, that reality.
If you live in the lie like your husband does, yes, your self-esteem will continue to be devastated, because there is no way you can live up to the standards of airbrushing in real life. Plus, you’re just going to keep getting older and everything is headed south, every single day from here on out. Appearance is a fleeing mirage.
I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? I think you might find those stories interesting–some women who decided not to let the lies of porn rule.
Let me know what you think! Kay