I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”
Silence.
Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.
“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.
“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”
“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.
“There have been. Yes.”
I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.
When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.
Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”
“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”
Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’
Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.
I had to do something, but what?
Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.
My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.
People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.
Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.
After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.
For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.
Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.
The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”
It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.
Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.
I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.
I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.
Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.
I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.
Annette — that was truly beautiful. Thank you for that!
Annette…..
Incredible! There is no other world to describe how I felt after reading you comment.
Praise God! That even in your 60’s God is renewing and restoring you into a new women with a new purpose. A purpose to minister a new thing.
Thank you for sharing.
As I have gone through my own battles God has so blessed me with TRUE Joy. If I could collect all the tears I cried out to God in a bottle and use them to heal so many women from the pain. The pain that causes them to see themselves lesser then the way God sees them.
Be Blessed my dear sweet sister, as you are one of the most beautiful women God has designed for an incredible purpose.
Rose
Ashley,
When I was young, and the only daughter of my mother, she doted on me often.I had aqua blue eyes and deep auburn hair. She worked for over an hour each time she did my hair into very long pencil curls. I was truly blessed by having such a loving mother. She also was a strong Christian, and she knew beauty was vain. As my mom did my hair, she would often tell me I was beautiful, but I should never consider it in such a way, that it would overshadow the more important things in life. She’d tell me to never let any vain comment about my beauty……..go to my head. She must have said it enough to me growing up, because it still hasn’t gone to my head.
I have been married for more than 4 decades, and in the last yr I have learned
of my husband’s secret “pastime.”
Looking back my mother prepared me for these times, by always making sure I understood where “real” beauty comes from, and it is not what we see in a mirror.
Our beauty is reflected from our soul’s mirror.
She taught me to have strong character, deep goodness. The virtues that are lasting, even now as my hair turns white, and wrinkles come.
Being taught, that Everyone in the World, are equal, in the sight of God.
I am not impressed much by titles, nor wealth, nor beauty. I look at it this way.
No matter who we are, we all die, and return to dust, and in 100 yrs. we will all LOOK the same. We all return to our maker, where the only beauty, in his eyes, are measured by our love for his Son, and if we have believed and excepted Christ as our Lord.
I never have felt, that I have been less, than the women, he has lusted for.
Remember, that song by Helen Reddy, I AM WOMAN…….I am strong.
I know WHO I am in God, and my husband’s sins belong to him, and I am not the reason, he has failed me, or God. He owns all it, alone.
If God would give me a choice……..that I could be the most beautiful woman in the World, and be separated from God, or be the most ugly, and have God’s
love, grace, goodness, and glory, in my life…………I’d say,
“Bring on the warts !!!”
Once, in a phone therapy group, one wife, said, she opened up one of the porn sites her husband had viewed, and the only thing she came away with, was the fact, that all of the porn women, seemed to be driven, by demon spirits.
So let them, have their looks, their bodies. I only feel pity and sorry for them
when they will be judged. Their vanity will do nothing……..then.
Remember, we live in a shell, it is our Spirit, that resides inside us, and that Spirit is inside every soul, beauty has no value. We are eternal, so none of
us, will keep these “shells.”
God is so wonderful and so GOOD to me, and He tells me…. I am of value,
everyone is. I really dwell, on the fact, that I know his complete goodness and faithfulness. It is deeper now, so much deeper, my thankfulness, that I know
His truth, his perfectness, when I put it up against, the sin that my husband
has done. It just makes God even more dear to me.
Would any one of us, really want, to be one of those women, in any of those
videos or pictures ???? God forbid !!!!!
This has been written, in memory, of my mom. I love her more today, than yesterday. I am in my 60’s now, and I so admire her and how she taught me and passed on the greatest Love of her life, Jesus. What a priceless gift. She helped prepare me, for the devastation, that has come into my life, 50 yrs
later. Little did she know that……….but God……DID. Thanks God, You really do love me.
Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow.
Annette
p.s. Happy Mother’s Day Mom, I miss you so much. I will always be
indebted to you. You were the first person to tell me about Jesus and
His love for me. You were a wonderful mother.
Wow. Ms. Annette, this is sooo beautiful. You really ARE blessed. I’ve been dealing with this for about 4 years now (married 5). Guess WHEN I found out about his addiction?! It was the day after giving birth to our first son . I got a phone call from Verizon, while I was still in the hospital bed, telling me about a $600 bill. I was VERY highly upset thinking, they’ve GOT to have our account mixed up with someone else’s. (My husband and I shared an account that didn’t include the internet at that time) Then, when I got home and found out from the COMPANY where all the charges came from, I almost lost my mind. I felt so betrayed and violated and ESPECIALLY upset RIGHT after I’d had our child. Now, 4 years later, it’s STILL going on, and I’m CRYING out to the Lord to help ME deal with this rather than JUST praying for HIS deliverace. Websites such as these are helping me. I don’t want to talk to people concerning my husband’s addiction because I don’t to put him to shame MORE than he already is by me KNOWING that he’s still doing what he’s doing. I appreciate your statements. Keep ME in your prayers. It’s the END times, and satan is trying to tear down the saints of the most high, and he’s using THIS issue against ME really strongly right now, but with the help of the Lord, and through the power of his spirit, we WILL overcome this battle! Thanks again!
Ms Annette,
You’re an angel! Too bad your husband doesn’t realise this fact :(
And I’m pretty sure your mother is in the safe hands of God and that she’s happy and peaceful there :)
I’m pretty close to my mom too, she’s the most beautiful woman there is, another angel like you! :) :)
You have sort of made my day and I can’t thank you enough! I have been carrying the same pain (the hurtful words that I’m not at all pretty etc. etc. etc.) given to me by the man I married and loved with my heart and soul, for four years now. Crying and losing my cool have become a common thing because of this, and I have been praying everyday for an answer or some relief at least because I even became sort of suicidal at times. And finally God has decided to send me the answer, through you! :) your words are truly empowering and has given me a sort of positive energy and after reading your post I immediately stopped crying, and it really made me smile! :) yes, this is a big deal for me because it’s the first time in 4 years that I’ve been able to look at myself and see beauty and grace (I used to be pretty happy with my looks prior to marriage, and his comparison and ways of pointing out my physical flaws killed that happiness and my confidence overall, to a point where I lost my job and am still struggling with interviews. Yes, it’s been that bad.).
I tried to address the issue all throughout these years, even stopped talking to him at one point and stayed completely out of touch with him for about 3months (I moved out of our house). He’s not addicted to porn, but he goes on and on about certain women on screen, and this went on for about two years, till I moved out and stopped talking to him. We don’t have kids yet, and in the future if we do, I’ll pass this message on to them and give them proper awareness while growing up so that they’ll be better equipped mentally and emotionally to face such bullets (I hope there won’t be any, still) in their lives.
Eventually I moved back in for the sake of ‘saving the marriage’ (divorce is looked down upon and divorcee women are frowned upon in my culture, so, yeah, I had to cancel that plan, plus he’s not a bad person, he sort of cares and has supported me a few times when I needed help, so I shouldn’t just forget all that) and till this moment I haven’t received an apology from him even after I told him several times that it still hurts. I feel he doesn’t care enough or simply doesn’t want to admit it or thinks that what he said and did was right despite the pain it caused me.
Negative comparison is the worst thing anybody can do to a human being, especially to a spouse or child. I’m sorry to read all of the posts here, I can feel your pain, all of yours :'(
I hope you all stay strong through this difficult phase and heal those wounds completely.
Ashley, Kay, and rest of the wonderful people here, thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone or that I’m not worthless or less in anyway for that matter! :)
❤Shr33
P.S. Ashley, really, I don’t understand why your hubby thought anyone else can be more attractive when he already has the perfect beauty in his life!
Wow yes I love that you said your mom always told you because I just said I’m going to make sure I tell my children how beautiful they are but don’t let it go to your head beauty is in the eye of the beholder , so if a man tell her she not the best , she might be hurt but remember your the best in God’s eyes we are all wonderfully made . I just experienced the pain of be told , your not the most beautiful thing is all the woman say they ask they mN I didn’t he just said it. It hurt I never thought of my self that way but when some one come and just gut punch u out of nowhere it hurts
Sweet Annette, child of God.
I’m reading your comment/reply in 2018. I don’t know if you will ever see this, but I see I’m not the only one your message has touched. You’ve touched my soul deeply. Your message is like therapy for me. 😭💞
Thank you.
Thank you for this beautiful article. As a wife who has always been too scared to ask this question, I felt your pain as I read this. Thank you for focusing on the truth of beauty and God’s beauty in each of us.
Thanks so much, Ashley, for such an in-depth response. I appreciate it.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
This is me. I’m devastated. I’m angry. I’m crushed l try do hard to be beautiful for him . He has told me so many times to him l am not. I have just written a song about it. I knew from the beginning. Were married now. It is horrible for me.
Hey everyone, thanks for commenting. Thanks, Luke, for posting this.
To Dene — That night was truly one of the worst nights of my life. The pain I felt, the rejection, felt like it would reside in my heart forever. I never, ever thought I’d feel like my husband thought I was beautiful, much less the most beautiful woman in the world. But Dene, I have to say, your feelings of doubt will go away with time. It takes effort from both sides of the marriage, but it can heal. Obviously you’ll never forget the moment he said those words, but the way you look at that day can change. My life — and our marriage — has changed so much since then. The way we both see love and beauty has changed. And this had made such a difference. I believe you can have that same hope and healing. Time, time, time … but love heals wounds. :)
Justin — Thanks for sharing your heart. Lord, please bring a beautiful, godly woman into Justin’s life to complete him and become one with him.
Marshall – Great comment. So honest. Thank you for that. Here are my thoughts:
The woman God has waiting for you is without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the world — for you. But here’s the thing … there is no MOST beautiful woman in the world. We are all beautiful — inside and out. Comparisons are not healthy, whether it’s a woman comparing herself to another woman or a man comparing his wife to another woman. We are individuals, each created to glorify God’s and highlight His beauty in our own unique ways. I am the most beautiful me. And the same goes for every person in this world. Your wife will be the most beautiful woman to you because beauty is more than looks. A wife is a treasure, a husband is a treasure. We grow old together, hold hands on the porch when our kids are old, and grieve when the other dies first. We love beyond appearance. So, yes, it’s possible to truthfully say to your wife, “You are the most beautiful person in the world.”
We just need to think about our definition of beauty and ask God to give us a pure, healthy view of true beauty. We can’t look at beauty through the world’s eyes, it must be through God’s.
If we are all honest, women and men, we know there are other attractive people in the world. To compare ourselves and put ourselves on scales with someone above us … it’s not how God sees us, so we shouldn’t see ourselves or others this way.
My hubby couldn’t have answered better at that time, because he was being honest. Because of his porn addiction he had an impure, worldly view of beauty. He has changed since then. When he tells me now, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.” I believe him. Because I know that he’s talking about more than my hair and eyes and physical traits that will fade as we grow old together.
The night I asked my husband this question I was the one in the wrong. Yes, he didn’t understand the fullness of true beauty at that point, but I was looking for him to validate my worth and beauty, instead of seeing that through God’s eyes. I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have needed to, but I was insecure and hurting after finding out about his addiction.
We have both changed since then. Having an understanding of true beauty, love, and pure intimacy has made a huge difference. So … that is my advice to you … discover the beauty of seeing people beyond the surface. Know that when you meet your future wife you will not have to lie in order to say, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.” Yes, there are other beautiful people in the world and if we wanted to place ourselves on rating scales we could, but we choose not to … because we know that beauty is so much more than the surface. God proves that by being the most beautiful thing and not even being visible to our eyes. :)
Hope that helps a little!
My husband was a porn addict which of course means he also was a liar. He has been clean for a long time now. But I still don’t trust him. He always says I am more beautiful than anything he has ever looked at. I am so mad because I know that it is impossible for him to have thought that way with all he looked at. I have been begging him to tell me the truth that I wasn’t always sexier than the models he viewed but he denies it. One time he started to admit to it but since then has taken that back as Satan putting false ideas in his head. But really if you have that addiction how can your normal plain wife compete? How do I get him to tell me the truth? I feel I need the truth to be able to start trusting him again. I don’t want to believe a lie that I am the most beautiful to him and always have been.
I think a couple things could be going on here. First, if he was honest with himself, he would say that his heart gravitated to the “beauty” of the women in porn because they had become his standard of people. Second, it is important for both of you to realize that a man can change his standard of beauty, making his wife that standard. I’ve experienced this in my own life. There is a part of me that will always have a weakness for pornography, but the more I actually think about the women I used to lust over, the more I realize they can’t hold a candle to my wife. This is primarily because I’ve worked on making my wife my standard of beauty, as I hope your husband has been doing as well.
I just did this .. I needed to know. I felt I wasnt enough, and this to me confirmed it. He asked another woman out right after I separated from him. Since then we have worked on reconciling and I asked him “everything aside from physical, who would you choose,” …. it wasnt me. And this is someone we DO know. She isnt anything super model-ish either. I work so hard to be attractive to him, I have had plastic surgery, I diet constantly, I tan, I dye my hair.. I try to keep up my appearance, but he would still choose someone else physically. The thing is, I wouldnt. He is my standard of what is attractive, he is overweight, balding, short, and years ago, that is NOT what I would have chosen, but I cant even begin to think of anything other than his appearance being more attractive to me now. I feel like all of this “upkeep ” is for nothing. I get looks and hit on by other men a lot, but it doens nothing for me, I dont want anyones attention but his. I read something about making your wife the standard of beauty, she should be what you compare other women too and they dont add up to her, I wish he felt that way about me. I feel ugly and frumpy and plain in his eyes. How am I suppose to feel beautiful and number one to him to be able to enjoy sex again, especially when for so long he rejected me and chose porn or fantasies with women we knew? I feel settled for not adored, that doesnt make me feel like I am what he wants. I am crushed.
Hi April.
I think what you’re describing here is what happens to a lot of us: we get caught in the lies of porn just as much as our husbands do. We objectify ourselves just as much as they do. And just like our husbands need to see beyond the physical appearance to the heart of us, WE NEED TO DO THE SAME. As long as we play the game of physical beauty being our most imporant part of ourselves, we are colluding with the lies of pornography and objectification.
If he’s ever going to be healthy and capable of true relationship, your husband has to stop believing those lies.
And if you’re ever going to be healthy and capable of true relationship, you have to stop believing that you are defined by how you look and how your husband feels about how you look.
You’ve got to start being okay with you, exactly as you are. All this performing and perfection is exhausting to the soul–and it’s a dead-end road. You’re going to get older. There will never be enough plastic surgery to stop time. Then what will you do? Who will you be?
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole. Find a counselor who can help you process through these thoughts and emotions. Find a group that will support the real you, just as you are.
You don’t have to perform well or look perfect in order to be valuable. You are precious and beloved just as you are. Live in that truth and let it set you free.
Peace to you, Kay
This hit very close to home for me. I’m not married, and one issue that’s keeping me from pursuing marriage is this problem.
Is it possible to marry someone who’s NOT the most beautiful woman in the world to me?
Of course, I think the answer is yes. But what happens in those moments when those questions come? What if I can’t truthfully say, “You’re the most beautiful person in the world”?
Marrying someone knowing this up front feels like cheating her out of something she deserves. But from my side, how do I change? Or do I just go into it knowing that I will have to change as I go along?
How could your husband have answered better? Should he have just told you not to ask? Should he have said up front that he’s having problems with this issue?
Suggestions?
I’m thinking out loud here – I know there are a ton of questions here. Thank you for sharing. I’m headed over to read more from you blog.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
When you love a woman, you don’t compare her to other women. You just see this light, this beauty that is deep.. Also, there is more than one “most beautiful woman in the world” even if you had perfection, would it be enough?
Would you want a woman who sees you as human and loves you, is totally attracted to you and happy with you as you are…. or do you want a woman who would always look past you because you just not quite perfect.
You must be completely attracted, but attraction goes deeper. Maybe you don’t want to marry at all. Don’t be with a woman you dont really want or are attracted to- you’re just going to hurt her.
Yes, I definitely think men should marry women they think are the most beautiful. Otherwise you are doidng them a bad favor. But we all know that the more you love someone the more beautiful they seem, what I am saying is you should marry a woman you love most in the world and this will make her seem the most beautiful in the world … So when she pops the question you will have a positive answer :) And make sure you keep loving her, cuz once you allow yourself to slip out of love you will see her, for example, as average not as the “most” and that is bad….and sad…
Yeah because someone else will think she beauty and you don’t , and it’s not fair , what if she just thinks your amazing which is why she would marry,
Your wife doesn’t have to be the most physically beautiful woman in the world but she should be ONE of the most beautiful women in the world to YOU. To you, her beauty should go beyond her physical attributes because you know her character, her heart, her humor, the beautiful attributes she has that make you smile. All of this, added with her physical appearance, should make her overall one of the most beautiful women you know. Does that make sense?
Hi there Marshall!
As life goes on this will be a lesson for you. And it’s one that you can, and should, learn before you even think about rushing yourself into a marriage.
I learned this very lesson over the course of the past four years… I have dated many men, have fantasied about marriage with a few: but have only known unconditional love ONCE. It is with a man who in the beginning was not my “type” he was not even on my radar, though I wouldn’t have said he was ugly, just not physically “appealing” to me at the time. He’s bigger, different features than I was used to looking out for. What I didn’t know was that this circumstance was a gift. Over the past few years working with him, laughing like I’ve never laughed before, everytime a true and genuine smile came to my face because he just SPOKE to me- I have gotten to know him, I’ve seen the goodness in him, his undemanding generosity, his exceptional sense of humor that matches mine: the way he understands me: how he treats other people. This was a love that’s GROWN in my heart, from taking my time. These now have been the most exhilarating liberating feelings I’ve ever felt: and I thought I felt overwhelming elation like an expert before. This is truly what the most convicted people in love will try to explain over and over again to those who don’t know what real love is waiting around the corner, about how this love was “different”. How they just KNEW before they married their spouses, that it would go the distance…
I fell in love with the beauty in his heart and absolutely, ABSOLUTELY find him the most beautiful, sexy, man on the planet now : and I wouldn’t pick anybody else. It’s game over from here, haha.
You need to wait for that kind of love. That kind of important soul connection can and WILL overshadow any physicality: I look at him now and all I see is a sexy man who I can’t keep my hands off of, and you can’t force that kind of switch but when it’s right, that light will switch on its own.
When she’s the right girl no matter what “typical” appearance you THOUGHT you liked: oh it won’t matter anymore. You’ll only have eyes for her.
THAT’S the woman you marry.
The one you won’t have to worry about lying to: because you already know no other woman will do.
You haven’t seen real beauty yet: I believe if it can happen for me it can happen for you.
Good luck 👍🏻
Hi I’m glad someone’ss still posting in 2018. I have a similar question as Marshall’s.
I am not yet married but we’re living together and have 2 kids (my eldest is from a different dad). Through 5 years, we’ve fought over porn and now, I said I’ve had enough. I was decided to leave but he said he will change. He’s accepted his “addiction” and knows he can’t do it alone. He said he thinks the blessing of marriage can help us.
I don’t think I can. His porn is almost always on big breasted ladies and I am super small breasted.
He was never appreciative of my “beauty” no matter how much I dress up or make up for date nights or stuff.
I think it will help him better if he got a woman of his “type” and I got a man who is more into small breasted woman.
Not that that’s the only thing that matters in a relationship, I know.
But on what Marshall said, wouldn’t it just have been easier and better for both sides this way?
I appreciate your thoughts.
Marriage makes absolutely no difference, as the many women who write in here could testify! Your partner has to make his own choices and do his own work. He doesn’t need a wedding certificate for that. He can start any time at all! Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you might find helpful. I think you are wise to wait and see if he’s willing to do the work he needs to do. Peace to you, Kay
bondChristian
I kind of agree with you. We can’t punish men for being honest. We want men to be honest! i think it is a Disney fairy tale that a woman will be the most beautiful princess in the world. Humans are not perfect. Even if we were physically perfect, it would be unfulfilling to be valued only for that. Ask any gorgeous girl or guy always getting hit on because of their looks. It’s far better to be appreciated for our inner qualities, and have our partner and friends choose to be with us because of our ways, traits, and qualities. Not looks. Don’t ask your husband stupid questions like “who is the fairest in the land” and then cry when it’s not you, ladies! You sound like an Evil Queen. Instead, observe your husband’s actions to see if he’s tender with you and likes your company and appreciates you. it’s all in the actions, that’s what you want. Loyalty in marriage is a choice. It’s not an involuntary thing brought about by the wife’s attractive appearance. It’s a choice for each partner every day. So, men, don’t lie. Women, don’t ask stupid questions about who’s most beautiful. Everyone, radiate your best self from within and keep close to God.
Open your heart. When you have your heart open and feel love, beauty is beyond everything this illusion of what we can see with our eyes. It is what you feel. I suggest studying the chakras.
I’m eternally thankful for how the Lord has transformed my heart in the past 13 months. Prior to that, I didn’t have a clue as to what the beauty of a godly woman was being a slave to immorality…but that’s no longer the case. I’ll take a woman consumed by Christ over the filth this world portrays without a moment’s hesitation. I embrace my singleness right now, but I look forward if God would ever have me marry a woman whose beauty the world couldn’t hold a candle to. Continue to shine your light on the world Miss Weis, and I pray that more men would cherish beauty like yours. God bless you.
Thank you for that , I don’t won’t worldly beauty it’s not beauty at all because have you seen Cameron d with out make up hurrible and she is mean. Most of these women the men trip behind have bunches of make up their not real . They look older when it’s off, I’m living for God’s beauty and it’s not covering what he has mad because alot of men have told me I was devastating and to find your own man don’t think so is crushing Because you really don’t care what no one else say but your man but , when he don’t feel the same as you do bout him all of a sudden. Something I feel is up, sorry for rambling but I hope you find the Godly beauty you deserve
How true this is! I asked my husband the same question many times after I discovered his addiction. I got the same silence. I felt the same heart break. I still ask the same questions. He now tells me that in all truth, I AM the most beautiful women in his eyes. And even with that, I STILL feel doubt, and will NEVER forget the pain of knowing there were times he compared me and found me failing.
Thank you for a motivational reminder of how true beauty is defined, and that God is the only one we need approval from.
God bless you.
Wow Ashley! What a woman! The strength you show in this post is absolutely amazing! You are an amazing amazing woman! Isn’t it funny how beauty can shine through this post too? Its a lie that someone can be more beautiful than someone else :) It’s all a lie! You are a beautiful being and the fact that your husband can’t see THAT truth just goes to show you that he has some work with God to do yet. Addiction in any form is a way of numbing ourselves…. many men and women use fills to make themselves feel less vulnerable… so, it realy has nothing to do with you. My boyfriend tells me there is no comparison. Sure, there are women with bigger boobs, a smaller nose, bigger eyes… but I am connected to his soul and in that my beauty is SO much deeper. Your husband is stuck but it is incredibly strong that you have managed to see yourself as the perfect being you are! Very inspiring- thank you!
What a beautifully written post, by a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart. I endured the same thing from my husband, and I still struggle with it as well. Reading your post brings tears to my eyes. Seeing myself through god’s eyes and having confidence in my own style/ beauty is something I discovered a long time ago, but seem to have lost perspective on after hearing the similar, but worse words from my husband. I still cringe inside when I see a woman that is more his “type” and for years avoided going out in public with him, to avoid the feelings of shame when we saw a beautiful woman. It’s funny, I’m blond and blue eyed, with big boobs and a small waist, and always got a lot of unwanted attention from men. My husband has lusted after petite, less curvy, dark haired women.
I’m only mentioning this because it seems like our husbands tend to lust after polar opposites of ourselves and I want to let any woman who’s struggling with the same things as me, know that no matter what you look like, it wouldn’t have been enough to stop the cycle of porn and sex addiction. Blond, brown, light, dark, big, small, they want what they think they can’t have. There’s a cruel irony here. I’m sure plenty of women my that my husband lusted after, are dealing with feeling unattractive to their own husbands. While I cringe inside at seeing their beauty while with him, their husbands might have lusted after someone my type, while all either of us want is our own husband’s attention and appreciation.
For men reading this:
I’m well aware that I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world, every woman knows this. I don’t need to be the “most” beautiful woman to my man, but knowing that he appreciates me and my beauty, is what really matters. There are plenty of wealthy men in the world, I know my husband isn’t by far the richest (or even rich for that matter). But I “appreciate” that he choses to share his wealth with me and I want him to know it’s enough, more than enough, to keep me satisfied, happy and committed. I think that’s what woman are looking for. There is no “the most beautiful” woman, because tastes changes and looks change with age, but I want to know that what I’m offering to my husband is appreciated and enough to keep him happy and committed to me. If I spent my days googling and ogling every rich man I could think of, lusted after them, showed more appreciation for these “wealthy men” than the man who actually wants to be by my side… I’m sure that would make him feel unappreciated, like he wasn’t enough for not being at the top 1 percent. I’m sure he would feel sour about pouring what little wealth he does have into me, when by all appearances in that scenario- I would happily use it up and leave him if a richer man offered his goods to me. It’s a matter of appreciation and security, more than it is vanity. No woman wants to invest their youth and beauty into a “beauty digger” the same way no man wants to invest their money and time, into a “gold digger”. We all want to be appreciated for who we are, what we have to offer and know our investment into our life partners aren’t just a drop in a bucket with a hole in it. None of us “have it all”, but we all have something to offer. It’s no different than a woman draining a man’s bank account and leaving him for a richer man, that for a man to stay with a young pretty woman, then leave her for a younger prettier woman once she starts to age and can no longer attract the same amount of suitors. Only unlike men, once our value in society is gone (beauty and youth), it’s close to impossible to get it back. So think about that… It’s all about security and appreciation.
Disclaimer: I’m well aware people hold much more value than simply looks and money, however those are the chief values society places on each gender. It’s superficial, but also relevant in finding a suitable partner, so there is a lot of pressure for men to earn money and for women to be beautiful from an early age.
Hey Cindy. I think you’re hitting on a really deep issue of personal value here that’s so important. Men and women, we all wonder at a deep level: “Am I good enough?” We all want to figure out how to be good enough, and culture has various answers for us. We know they’re not real, true answers about who we really are, but they’re so easy to fall for anyway! I think one of the gifts of growing older (I’m 48!) is that I can’t control my appearance as much–well, not without a lot of serious reconstructive surgery–and I’m having to learn to live with who I am, apart from how I look. It’s not especially fun to have bags under my eyes and cellulite in strange places, but I do love having at least some measure of peace about who I am. Part of really being who I am means separating myself from the judgment of others–even my husband if he’s all screwy in the head about appearance–and really sinking into what God says about me. That I’m precious and honored and valued. That He delights in me, even when skinny jeans are not the best option any more. I’m actually starting to look forward to the day when I have the courage to give up mascara altogether. :)
You’re beautiful! Inside and out. I mean, your huge eyes, gorgeous smile and those cheeks! Perfection, seriously, it’s his lost. Some men are blind because of lust, sad.
I’m going through this now. My husband, from who I am now seperated, had affairs. He is an alcoholic and co addiction is women. He recently told me the reason he had affairs was because he didn’t want me real bad. The women he had affairs with were younger and more for than I am. I got the message. Now he says he wants just me because he realizes what he had. I don’t believe him and can’t get the words out of my head. I always felt that was true but hearing it still hurt. Mind you, I’m not ugly by any means, I’m just not 38 anymore. I feel so sad and ashamed. I can’t hardly look people in the eye. I need help.
Hi Diane.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re feeling. I hope your husband is sincere–I do believe that people can change. I hope that’s happening for him.
Even if he makes all the best choices from here on out, though, you’re so wise to recognize that YOU need help and healing. I would encourage you to find a counselor who is just for YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. You might also appreciate the website Bloom, where you can find private forums for women in recovery as well as classes for couples and other helpful recovery resources.
Peace to you, Kay
What about men who think someone is more beautiful than their wives and don’t watch porn???? What about men who think their wives are the most beautiful while married to them but not after divorce? Who’s satisfied with a man who thinks you are the most beautiful just because you’re his?
I feel the same way. My husband was caught in sexual sin. Today he tells me im the most beautiful woman on earth-my body and face. All i need from him is honesty, why does he lie now to make me feel better.
You are beautiful! STOP that ! You are doing it to yourself! You have to accept that your husband no matter how nice or caring he may be ( i don’t know him), did something WRONG to you! He harmed you! He shouldn’t have said that ! I would have slaped him! You are probablyu WAY too beautiful for him and you can’t even see him. You are perfect in your OWN way! Do you know how perfect you are for some mean? Your husbund is not one of them because he is an unappreciative, imature stupid person. I am sorry, but it is true! Your story was so sad! It iis not your fault! It is your husband’s fault! He shouldn’t have said that to you, he does noyt appreciate you, you should have been the most beautiful woman in the world for him. And you would be for others for sure, I think that you should talk to your husband. It is nit your fault! You should feel PERFECT again! More perfect than ever before! APPRECIATE your beauty now! It is his fault!Take it out on him… he deserves it. Tell him hat he isa and WHO YOU ARE ( beauty wise) and that he is wrong. He should be with the woman that he finds attractive.
Thank you for this I just got hit hard by the same car. Yesterday my fience told me this and he asked well do you think I’m the most handsome man I said yes your mine all I see is you the best God made , so he says I can’t be fake , it’s not fake yeah there’s other beautiful woman but no one woman is more beautiful than the other so you must have some one in mind , we are all beautifully uniquely and wonderously made. But when you meat that one they are the best witch is why you love them they are all that and a bag of chips to you. Just because oh it would sound ok to say you don’t want to lie some people just want to say it because either he want to hurt me are want to be able to compliment woman body’s in front me , thing that kills me is that there are men that have said I was the most beautiful thing they ever seen now I don’t have to believe them the guy just said this to me could have said it to twelve other women before or after me, thing is someone else think so but not my own man, people asking for my autograph saying your the most beautiful thing , and my own man putting me down others people comments bout me I don’t care i want him to say it . But I look to God now He holds my beuty I don’t care what no one say anymore.
Ashley you are a beautiful and very attractive woman. Your smile is so radiant and pretty. IDC what any man or anybody thinks. I’m 34 n I hate that I’m getting older . but I love myself enough to know that looks aren’t everything .its just the devils society trying to trick us ..we are ALL beautiful women..I think we should not let some of these lustful men who look at all this bs make us feel different..I have learned to love myself when I couldn’t before ..it makes me soo mad that men get to choose and do wtf they want. As we get older and uglier tu them , while their old behinds get to try tu chase younger and prettier..LIES ..we woman have to encourage and stick by each other because its not fair we are made to think we have to be a certain way or look a certain way to feel pretty .I hate that and I hate what society is doing to us..On a positive note tho, we have to just be strong , love ourselves for who the creator made us to be , and share our wisdom with each other… I Love all of you , and regardless of anything or any words. YOU LADIES ARE ALL PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL. Believe it.. B blessed ..~hugs~
You are not alone in this .i asked my hubby the same question. But for me his thoughts were attraction to my next door neighbor..it hurt so bad as I would see her outside and compare myself to her .I’m still struggling with this everyday of every sec but I’m determined to not let this distro me
Dealing with a similar situation minus the pornography. Mine involves a person I know. Single very good looking mother of my child’s friend…..my husband was texting her a lot and falling all over himself whenever she was around. He said it was only related to our child. And when I asked him about it his response was “I can’t help it if she is attractive”. On a 2nd occasion, when it was brought up, he couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me I am more beautiful than her. Maybe it isn’t true but, it would be nice if he felt that way because I am his wife. Should I appreciate the fact that he won’t lie to me? I can try. But the truth is, my self esteem did not need this and when I told him this needs fixed and that he can’t just ignore it I was told he can’t fix it when he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. She is prettier than me, by far. And if he were meeting both of us for the first time, no doubt he would choose her over me. I just want to be confident enough not to care if he says things like that Clearly I have issues but, can’t he understand how that hurt?
Our value as human beings IS NOT IN OUR APPEARANCE.
Yes, we have to each own and work on that truth individually, and be responsible for living in the truth for ourselves: we are loved, we are safe, we are chosen, regardless of our physical appearance.
The problem is that your husband seems to have bought into the lie that value lies in physical appearance, and it sounds to me like he’s fishing around for something he thinks is more attractive, in the hope that he will feel more valuable himself, once he is attached in some way to someone he believes to be more attractive.
So yes, you need to work on your own self and learn to be thrilled with yourself just as you are (because that’s exactly how God feels about you!), but he needs to figure his junk out, too.
He should understand how it hurts you when he’s texting another woman (good grief), and he should have the will and ability to give his attention to YOU as his spouse, no matter what anybody else happens to look like. If he can’t do that, it’s a problem.
Peace to you,
Kay
There’s a reason he married you and not the other women. If I was in an ordeal like that I’d say, “yes , there are women more beautiful, but I chose you.”
I truly have tears streaming down my face reading this! My heart aches for you. I really do understand how you felt. Men at times, do not realize how hurtful their words can be. Hope all is all and God really does heal all wounds.😀
Such a great post! Thank you for shared it!. And I have to tell you that you are so beautiful! I wish I could look like you! ^^ … something similar happened to me. Well my future husband I’m not his love of his life. He used to be in love with other girl who is really beautiful and I never going to be that way. I know that in the beginning I was his second plate, he always says that I’m pretty but only that, he never says I’m beautiful, sadly enough he used to describe this girl as such a beautiful women.. you know no one can’t compite with model and actress they are the platonic love of all the men.. so don’t feel bad! The hard is when there is a real women you can’t compite with. So that’s was te reason I stop competing against sometime I couldn’t win. I decide only give him the best I can. And I guess he is happy with me. Maybe I give him the calm and happiness he needed in his life, even if he don’t find me beautiful he saw something in me good enough for propoused. So what I do is enjoy life as much as I can with what God gave. And besides the percepption of beauty can change. Maybe what you need to do is show you husband that you are more beautiful than he tought ;). But that depends in you!… don’t feel sad!. I wish I could look like you!.. but oh well the ugly girls need to be in this world too! ^^
so glad I stumbled upon this I have felt this way for months just cause you catch them staring at another woman or porn and it does begin to eat at you in ways they will never understand because to them its harmless cause they don’t have feelings and or from obviously another planet where your feelings toward feeling disrespected doesn’t matter to them cause they feel they have done nothing wrong but to be a woman that is like a slap in the face that you aren’t fulfilling all of your husbands needs and that is something I had to really come to terms with granted I learned the guy I’m with is just an evil saddist asshole but all in all I learned to cope with these feelings because I know I’m beautiful and loved in a more way behind how people see me and god has bigger plans for my life than my looks alone I found this article very relatable for that reason alone just learning how to love yourself and not worrying what anyone else thinks about me is what I have found to prioritize more.
My husband has just told me the same also told me the spark has gone out of our marriage I’m so heartbroken hopefully I can find the beauty within myself
Hey Paula,
It’s a terrible thing that our culture has placed so much value on particular kinds of appearance, when physical attractiveness is a fleeting characteristic at best. Of course there is great and wonderful beauty within you! I hope you’ll find a counselor who can help you process through this pain, and discover the truth of who you really are. Find a group, maybe, to support you and help you work on healthy boundaries. And check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. Whatever your husband chooses to value, YOU can choose to value reality: the truth of who you are: precious, beloved, safe, whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
What do you when your husband is more attractive than you? There are moments of love and attraction between us but there are times I hear the words: I’m only with you because of the kids.” Now what? I love him deeply and don’t want to walk away.
Wow, that sounds like verbal and emotional abuse to me. I think you would benefit from talking this through with a good, experienced therapist who can help you process what’s going on here and build healthy boundaries for yourself.
Ashley your picture is stunning and your courage is beaming. Jesus loves you!
This brought tears to my eyes. I have been struggling with these same thoughts and hurts for the past few years. I have tried to push the lies away, but Everytime I see someone I think my husband would find attractive the comparison starts to occur. I get angry wondering why God would create some woman so beautiful and some woman so plain like me. I like to be attractive and to have my husband find me attractive. Why is this so hard to let go!?
Women are so highly objectified in our culture. Not just in “secular” culture, but in purity culture as well. Our relationships are reduced to our physical attractiveness, rather than being able to relate to one another as actual human beings. I think the more we are able to connect to ourselves, and practice radical self-acceptance, loving ourselves as Christ loves us, then the less we’ll be distracted by objectification. We’ll experience that we are more than our appearance. We’ll be living in the truth of our value and worth as image bearers of the Imago Dei. Peace to you, Kay
It hurts me so much when looks at other women. Even younger ones. He tells me he loves me. But it don’t seem the same. He lies to me too. I see him looking at other women.
I think you might want to consider your boundaries in relation to your husband’s behavior. You know what’s going on, it’s not okay with you, and you can’t control him. You can only control your choices. Here, here, and here are some articles to give some ideas of what healthy boundaries might look like, given the reality of the situation.