I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”
Silence.
Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.
“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.
“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”
“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.
“There have been. Yes.”
I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.
When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.
Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”
“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”
Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’
Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.
I had to do something, but what?
Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.
My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.
People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.
Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.
After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.
For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.
Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.
The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”
It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.
Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.
I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.
I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.
Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.
I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.
My ex husband did all the same things! I was having babies and it emotionally exhausted me to the point I didn’t want to live anymore. I knew my babies needed me. So I left. I don’t understand the cruelty. I do not believe they understand or ever will the emotional pain they inflict . I have been divorced 3 years and thinking about his porn addiction and his other women scares me half to death. He got a young lady pregnant while we were married. That was when I knew it was over. Porn always leads to something else. Women that have men with these sex addictions….get out. Your only other choice is to risk your health and stay with your husband. I’d rather raise my children with good health.
Hey Julie, thanks for sharing your experience. We talk a lot about healing and restoration here–and that’s what we hope for–but we recognize that we don’t always get what we want, and then we have to make hard choices. Many women find that the healing just isn’t happening, and the guy is stuck in his addiction and won’t do the work to get out. I really appreciate you sharing that perspective to encourage women who find themselves in that place.
Blessings in your journey of healing. Kay
Kate bruner thank you so much for your reply. It is a true breath of fresh air that I needed. Internal happiness is within us and when we miss place it or loose it, we become something or someone different without intention. I have forgotten me. I love very deeply. I am a proud mother of three , wife and daughter but somewhere down the line I forgot to love me. As I start the journey to find love for myself, I truly thank you for your kind words and gguidance. Crystal Thomas September 3, 2014. 1:12 pm
Hey Crystal, thanks for writing back! I love it when we get to have a conversation. I think it is really easy to lose track of your own inner health, when you’ve got so many demands from the outside. The love that heals me the most isn’t something I’ve been able to conjure up from within, though. It’s been learning to receive God’s love for me. The difference for me between loving myself and receiving Love from God is wrapped up in hope. I’ve spent most of my life trying hard to do the right thing. In fact, I just wrote a book about it, which is up at Amazon right now. The thing I found when I was trying hard was that I could only hope in myself, in getting everything right. I actually did really well at that for a long time, but then the wheels came completely off the bus and it was a wreck. Then I had to learn, instead, to receive Love from God instead of trying to work it all out for myself. That sounds so weird and complicated when try to say it in a couple of sentences–hence the book :) Another good book about this is Emily Freeman’s Grace for the Good Girl.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am in the same situation. I love my husband dearly but will I ever trust him again ? Will I ever stop comparing and competing with ever beautiful woman I see ? Will I ever feel beautiful again. As my 5th anniversary gets closer I want to be happy and excited and pure innocent love back that came so natural. But I feel as if his porn addiction has taken that away. I pray for all woman that struggle with this every day. Crystal September 2, 2014 12:24 am
Hi Crystal, well, I think you trust him again when he is trustworthy. When he does the work he’s supposed to do, faithfully, over time. We talk about boundaries here a lot, (here’s an article link for you) and I think good boundaries are one of the best ways to restore trust.
You comparing yourself to other women, though, I think is more about your own healing journey. When I look at what you’ve written here, I think you might be connecting beauty to happiness and love. And let me tell you, as somebody who’s 48 years old, connecting your happiness and your worthiness to be loved to your beauty is not a good plan in the long term. Unless you have really serious money, and are willing to endure a lot of pain, all your pretty parts are going to head south, sag, and collect cellulite.
So, while your husband needs to get his act together and be trustworthy, I’d say you also need to consider how you’re going to be really, soul-deep okay with yourself without comparing and competing for perfect beauty. Because even if you could hit that mark today, at some point in the future it’s going to be a no-go, and then what?
So let’s hope he gets trustworthy! He has work to do!
But while we’re waiting for him to do that work, take this as an opportunity to work on how you are inside yourself. You are loved with an everlasting love. Precious. Honored. God delights in you. That has nothing to do with how you look, and everything to do with who you are: His beloved daughter.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share your experience. I havebeen battling against envy for many many months after my husband has mentioned that he found his brother’s girlfriend more beautiful than me. I used to be confident, but after i heard what he said, something in me died. The dream to be the only girl for him is lost, and i find myself constantly trying to be more beautiful, doing makeovers,exercising just to compensate and become the most beautiful to him.
Its frustrating that no matter what i do, on mybest, i feel i cant just compare to that girl. And it breeds a lot of resentment in my heart, i wish i didnt care, but i do… And that is where i find hard to cope with. Its sad that outer beauty counts a lot in our society. In my heart of hearts, i long to be the only one, the most beautiful one to my husband.
Your writing has helped me cry out to God. I knew i needed His help in this, but i didnt know what to pray for. Thank you for showing me hope, that i can ask God to change how I see myself, and to see from His eyes. Iwish one day, i can finally defeat this feeling, andbe confident.
Zoey,
I believe you will come back here one day, I did. I want to tell you that I believe you are going to feel better. You are going to grow stronger in the Lord like I did. Looks don’t matter. In fact, I have a lot of looks and my husband STILL found a woman that he thought was better than me. Everyone even beautiful women get hurt eventually. God wants us to understand how he hurts when we turn to other gods instead of him, that is what I learned. This man, my husband, I love but he is just a tool God used to show me what I am doing to him. Men are easily led, and lied to through false attitudes. A real women is just that -real. Be proud of yourself, respect yourself. God loves you and he made you unique and beautiful don’t let anyone rob you of that fact.
I’m struggling with feeling this way currently with my husband, and its like its even nagging at me even though our relationship is amazing. I feel this strong need to be the most beautiful to him although the wise part of me knows its insignifcant, I am still struggling with low self esteem. I was pretty comfortable in myself before about 4 months ago although I had settled with the fact that I would always want sex more than my husband and had resigned to asking for it probably a fourth of the time that I needed out of fear of more rejection. He never ever initiates. Anyway then I found out he had been using porn like 4 times a week when I was asleep. We had both used porn earlier in the relationship but I had come to see how it is essentially cheating and we had a promise to each other not to use, which I kept despite thinking about it many times. As far as I knew he was also abstaining as he knew how much it hurt me. This was a critical blow to my self-esteem. I had been settling for barely ever having sex because I taught myself to be grateful for sex every 1.5 to 2.5 weeks and here he was getting off with other women as much as I would love to! Our relationship has actually been strengthened considerably by this episode yet my self worth has been seemingly permanently affected. I know my own self image shouldn’t be dependent on his views of me but it is impossible to feel good about myself without focusing on every little flaw I can find. I can’t pass another attractive woman without thinking about what he is thinking and I am so paranoid about him using porn again to appreciate these “perfect” women. Please pray for me that both of us will be able to see with new eyes of what beauty truly is. I need God to continue working in our marriage to give me a sense of comfort and to give my husband “new eyes” for me. Thanks for your stories.
Jax, you poor thing, he should be having sex with you three times a week (apparently that is a normal healthy rate) and he clearly has the energy for it if he spent that time with porn. I’m sure you solved your problems because you wrote four years ago. Just putting down some solidarity/ support.
I would like to share something, I can identify with you on many levels. My husband and I were in love when we met each other and we struggled a lot in life. He was very busy all the time with school and work for many years and this put a strain and on us. We had kids during our first years of marriage and in the back of my mind I was always waiting to be with him. I was waiting for the day they he would be done with school so we could relax and enjoy our lives. When he finally finished and got his degree and a good job he had to get training out of town.When he came back he informed me he and a partner had seen a “beautiful” woman. I was in shock. He even went into detail about it. I went from thinking I was the most beautiful woman to him to a pile of rubble. I didn’t say anything about it for about 5 years. Then when I met his friend I had to confront him and ask about this woman. His friend confirmed it and agreed to the comment and even added she was the most beautiful I have ever seen in my life…(he said this in front of his new young wife). Finally,
I went into a fury..when I got home. It lasted about 1 year. I can’t tell you how bad I got. I thought I was the most insignificant nobody in the world. One reason for this feeling is because I knew my husband really loved me and we were special. We had something special. So this feeling was nothing I could deal with. I hurt myself with drunken binges that got me in trouble. I put myself in risky situations and I didn’t care what happened and I’m not even that kind of a person. The truth is you never know how your going to handle certain things in life until they come your way. Yes, my husband changed. He didn’t change how he perceives other women, he changed how he perceives me. He values me and loves me and has changed his behavior in such a drastic way that I can’t be angry any longer. A true change in personality that is consistent. That is what gave me peace. Many times when a man lets his eyes stray its because he has given himself over to his natural instinct. He’s not showing love or gratitude for what he’s got. Words are powerful. They can build you up or take you down. Truth of beauty is not what hurts women, its when their men don’t see theirs and they do not care if they hurt the other person by revealing the truth of their opinion. That’s not love. I would not tell my kids that some other kid is smarter or more handsome or prettier because I would not want to hurt my kids. Plus, I see their beauty and I would point out what makes them beautiful and I would build them up. That’s love.
Wow. This describes my feelings! I’ve never asked my husband whether or not someone was more beautiful than me simply because I KNOW I’m only “cute” and because I’d be too afraid of his response. Plus, to me, he ANSWERED that question WITHOUT me even asking him by some of the actions that he’s done. For one, (and this is by far the LEAST biggest inciden) I don’t wear make-up, but I was in modeling/acting school when I was younger and took nice pics with make-up on. One day I happened to say, “Man, I looked funny with that make-up on didn’t I?” Really thinking that I did. His response was, (keep in mind, he KNOWS I don’t wear any make-up), “No, I like that. You should wear some sometime in the bedroom.” Can you say total shock. I was like, wow. I was TOO hurt. As I said before though, this is the LEAST of the things that he’s said to make me feel “ugly” without him TRYING to make me feel that way. Don’t get me wrong. He tells me that I’m “Pretty” and “Fine” and compliments me all the time, but the OTHER things he secretly indulges in and other things he says to me WITHOUT thinking about it, is what makes me feel like crap.
I get you and that sounds like a litttle misunderstanding you and him need to work out. Your pain is valid. If he is wise he will aknowledge that. However so is his mind and it sounds like you do not allow him to be “honest” and if that is true you are in for serious trouble because if your husband likes “make-up” in the bedroom than either he will be unfulfilled by you or the worst case scenario is that he will find someone who would meet this need. No one is immune to an affair. Divorce is rampid in our culture. marriage is work. Would you risk your marriage because you didn’t care about his fantasies? Or are you willing to fulfill his fantasies to create a passionate and thriving marriage? Think about it. He is not having an affair but trying to express what he wants from you and my guess is that he wants it from only you. Make a list of things you want from him and allow him to make a list of things he wants from you. Fulfill the list and watch and see if your marriage does not bloom like you want it to.
I’m certainly not the most beautiful woman in the world. I’ve always had an “odd” slightly asymmetrical look, since I can remember, and while I don’t break a mirror, since high school I’ve known that I was well ‘down’ on the lists of beauty.
It’s always been interesting, knowing this. There is the basic, biological desire to try to be and look like the ‘alpha female’ – ie beautiful. But there’s also the knowledge that it will never happen. And through that came acceptance.
My husband loves my smile, my personality, my bubbliness, my generosity, my .. um, stuff I’m not supposed to say here. They’re all a part of me. And these are all a part of a woman’s beauty. Physically, yes there are many women he could name who are more beautiful than me. But that’s OK. It’s me he picked, and whom he fell in love with. I’m cool with that.
After all, we can’t ALL be the most beautiful girl on earth.
(Sorry this wasn’t much of a Christian reply.)
Susan , your post is real wisdom. Thanks for your perspective.
We shouldn’t ask our husbands to worship us. Just to respect, appreciate and love us. We should not be trying to be better than other women in anyone’s eyes. Just like our own ways and be liked for our ways. There’s utter joy in that. God created diversity and it’s all good =) You said it better when you said: “My husband loves my smile, my personality, my bubbliness, my generosity, my .. um, stuff I’m not supposed to say here. They’re all a part of me. And these are all a part of a woman’s beauty. Physically, yes there are many women he could name who are more beautiful than me. But that’s OK. It’s me he picked, and whom he fell in love with. I’m cool with that.
After all, we can’t ALL be the most beautiful girl on earth.” Hear Hear!
If a man does not look at pornography, then he can truthfully say to his wife “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” because she will be the “only” woman she has ever seen. That is the way God created it to be.
“If a man does not look at pornography, then he can truthfully say to his wife “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” because she will be the “only” woman she has ever seen. That is the way God created it to be.”
This just in defense of men who struggle with this addiction. I”m one of them and 10 out of 10 men including your very own pastors struggle also. This is just the fallen world we live in and “Every Man’s Battle” not just some “less than ungodly men.”
Unfortunately a man’s wife will NEVER be the only woman he will see. There is far more than online pornography. There are practically “naked” women everywhere you look or near naked. In the 50’s There is the image that the world has created that finds itself on every magazine cover while standing in line at Vons, every flat screen television in your families living room that has a tv show host loaded down with makeup and a thin waist, (notice how they don’t put overweight people in these same roles), a co-worker who is meeting emotional needs who excercises religiously and wears tight clothes, every Youtube side suggestion, every smart phone app ad that pops up, and on and on and on I could go WITHOUGHT ever pursuing online pornography.
What people have shared here is true. Its about the definition of beauty and we men all need to Return to God and his definition (repent means return to). At least in america this is true. In other parts of the world a woman’s feet is all you see. And in this truth, every woman has the responisiblity to uphold God’s purity and live and set standards of what they will and will not look like, what they will and will not wear.Some women would bash men who struggle with a worldly view but they themselves promote this view by owning Pintrest pages that have “sexy” women, clothing, etc all over them. We just need to help each other back to God. We’re all sinners. No sin is greater than another. Just one sin of any kind is enougth to be disqualified to be with God, but he forgives and we need to help each other get back to Him.
Him not being able to control his self is not an excuse there are naked men everywhere also