I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”
Silence.
Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.
“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.
“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”
“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.
“There have been. Yes.”
I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.
When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.
Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”
“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”
Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’
Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.
I had to do something, but what?
Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.
My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.
People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.
Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.
After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.
For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.
Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.
The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”
It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.
Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.
I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.
I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.
Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.
I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.
( dr.mac@yahoo. com) is a wonderful, he just restored my marriage and my husband is back for good…
Sorry to say this, but in my experience, most men tend to objectify women. Where are the real men who love their wives as Christ loved the church? I think most men are immature and need to grow up.
Hi! I have suffered from physical illness and depression coupled with Anxiety. There has been a lot pressure on my marriage and I have picked up 15 kgs – I am working hard to lose that weight but my medication is making it more difficult. My husband has made it clear with little hints here and there that I need to lose weight (which I know and am trying to do). A couple of months ago he blurted out that since my weight gain he no longer finds me attractive – I left and lived with my parents for a couple of weeks – the pain I felt and still feel is indescribable. I wasn’t planning to go back but he apologized profusely, saw our marriage counselor on his own and assured me his attitude would change.
During a recent discussion, he said he wanted to be honest with me about his thoughts and admitted that he often looks at other women at the gym ect and feels sad because I don’t look like that. He said he promises that he will change his attitude as he knows it will ripped our marriage apart. It was not a surprise to me as I’ve seen the way he looks at other women and it hurts so much.
I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t just leave – many people have claimed that I’m an attractive woman, I’m kind and a good woman – if he can’t see it, that’s his problem right? I love my husband (I would never compare him to another man – he is the most attractive man to me because I love him). Is it wrong for me to expect the same from him – shouldn’t your spouse be your ultimate standard of beauty?
After everything I’ve been through I hoped that my husband would be rock – not break me down even further. We are both Christians and he had me believe that while he thought I was beautiful he asked me to marry me because of my kind heart and inner beauty . Now I feel as if that was all a lie – and i’m thinking that if physical appearance is so important to him I don’t want to be married to him anymore. I don’t want him to try to not compare me to other women – or try to see my beauty…that should happen naturally.
What will happen when I have children one day? Will I then also be compared to others? PLs advise me – I need the honest truth (for my own mental health and sanity)….should I give him yet another chance (his had so many already) or consider separation with intent to divorce?
Thank you!
Charlotte, I am so, so sorry. Your husband needs to take responsibility for himself. The sad reality is that as men view porn, they become more and more entitled. Somehow he’s come to believe that all women are objects for his visual enjoyment. One visit to a marriage counselor is unlikely to dig deep enough to rid him of this dysfunctional point of view. I would say he needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and I’d say let him work on his issues for a while and then decide if you want to make a life with someone who objectifies women, and who will feel free to tell you that you’re not living up to his standards. That doesn’t sound like “love, honor, and cherish” to me, which is what most people promise to do. Your marriage relationship should be the place where you’re valued most in the world, not treated like a sexual object or a number on a scale. Peace to you. Kay
Thank you for this post and for sharing something so personal. It helps to know I am not alone. You are not alone either. From reading the comments here it (these words from our husbands), seems to be distressingly common. I’m going to keep praying that God will help all of us to realize the value he has given to us that can never be taken away. I first read this post several months ago when these emotional wounds were fresh. I have started EMDR therapy and it is helping some. I also just cannot get over his opinions of me which have been stated and confirmed multiple times. Again, thank you for your vulnerability. It helps more than you can ever know.
Is the beauty the most important thing for a woman? Isn’t it primal and culturally conditioned since women used to be men’s child bearing machines.
This made me cry Because my husband has told me he does not think I am the most beautiful women. It breaks my heart because I just feel so unloved and undesireable and not pursued.
Thank you for this post.. love love love… It has helped me understand that Im not alone first… and that Im not crazy or untitled to my feelings of betrayal. My boyfriend of 3 years whom I thought was the man of my dreams but in fact has been the worst relationship I’ve ever endured. After I found porn in his history I tried to say okay we can watch it together so I can see what he gets from it that maybe I could try the things to turn him on..but instead when I tried this approach he then tells me that it doesn’t really turn him on that he likes the sounds that they make is what turns him on.. B.s. …. but anyways so I said okay.. he moved in with me and said he had stopped looking at porn for me as I explained it seamed to be cheating in my eyes that it was giving me a low low low self esteem.. in which Ive always been pretty confident in myself.. he promised to stop.. I figured out how to use google web history and found that he lied and hadnt stopped. This has been going on for 3 years and he still continues to get caught over and over… he calls me a hore and tells me he is jus joking calls me a bitch.. idk but my self esteem is at its worst…. last night he begged me to go to work..i decided not to go and jus realized he didnt have to work today… whats he up to? I cant trust this guy.. he says he likes fake boobs so something ive always said id never do…he has me thinking I need… he is obsessed with my butt …so every time we go out Im obsessed with looking at women’s butts to see if there is going to be one better looking than mine that he is staring at… when ever a beautiful woman is near us he will make a big deal and say why cant you be normal and say that im staring at him to see if he looks at her…but unless he wasnt looking why does he point out every incident ..meaning he must be looking or he wouldnt notice …. Errrr! I cry over and over because I dont know what to do…. He will make sure my needs are takin care of in the bed but he hasnt done anything with his man hood in months… it makes me feel like something is wrong with me… he cant get it up…. I eat very little , workout, dye my hair..constant looking in the mirror to see what to fix…. Im on the verge of giving up completely because no man has ever made me feel so low… He isn’t in to church as I got him to go one day in 3 years and he made me leave church early so he can go get waisted the rest of the day and watch football… Now Im on prozac because of suicidal thoughts which crossed my mind for two months and stay in the bed and sleep so I dont have to think about it no more… Feeling completely lost…
Melinda, I am so, so sorry.
There’s nothing wrong with you, but your boyfriend is making some unfortunate choices. It sounds like he may be suffering from porn-induced erectile dysfuntion. And in addition, he’s objectifying you and every other woman he comes in contact with. None of that is healthy, but it’s up to him whether he wants to be healthy or continue in these patterns.
It’s very common for women in situations like this to have symptoms like you describe; in fact, many women will meet the clinical criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When we’re treating PTSD, the thing we first want to do is STOP THE TRAUMA so that recovery can take place. I would urge you to consider what healthy boundaries you might put in place in order to stop the trauma that’s happening for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. You might want to find a therapist for yourself, to help you process emotions and work on those boundaries. You could find a trauma-informed group to attend. The online resource, Bloom, is another great place to look for help.
Whatever your boyfriend chooses, remember that YOU can choose to be healthy and well!
Peace to you, Kay
In my opinion, it’s not about physical superiority but about relationship. Who could really be described as the most beautiful woman in the world? There will always be many more beautiful women than you and many less beautiful women than you. If you have a great relationship with your husband, you will become more and more beautiful to him. Part of it is physical…for example, my husband loves long hair and can’t stand short hair, so I grow my hair as long as possible. He tells me which clothes he likes. He doesn’t like dull colours. But oddly that’s pretty much what I wear anyway. I try not to gain weight. But it goes far beyond all that. There is a link between us that is greater than any connections he experiences with anyone else. I made a decision early in our marriage that I would make love with him as often as he wanted it. And that has stood til today. That’s our secret and we are more in love than we ever were. The romance doesn’t have to end.
Thanks for sharing, DeeDee. I’m glad your strategies have worked for you! I agree with you that the relationship is what matters, above all else. This article from The Gottman Institute really drives home the point that porn destroys relationship.
Unfortunately, none of us are able to control the actions of another person, no matter how we wear our hair, how skinny we are, or how often we’re willing to have sex. We can only offer our best in good faith; all too often, women find that their “best” is not enough and their husbands make terrible, relationship-destroying choices regardless of the wife’s best efforts.
Again, I’m glad things are working out so well for you!
Peace to you, Kay
Spot on, DeeDee. Great comment.
I’m so glad to have found this site. Reading through many of the posts truly makes me sick to my stomach. I’m a man married to a beautiful woman. And we recently got into a talk and i opened up about my battle with lust. I’m not making myself out to be a saint. It was hard to be open to my wife. And even more difficult trying to explain how God has changed me since i accepted Christ 3 years ago. I’m not perfect by no means, but the battle of lust has diminished a great deal; by Gods grace alone. I need a word of guidance and help. My wife has battle her whole life with her self esteem. And now that I’ve been transparent about my son I battle with, she’s devastated. Any guidance and prayer would truly be a blessing. It’s a real struggle for me to not feel condemned by my wife’s real justified pain.
Hi Phil, does your wife have Godly friends that she spends time with and can use for discussion and accountability? It doesn’t sound like you can fix your wife’s self-esteem struggles. As much as it helps to be open, it may be a situation where based on your wife’s struggles, you will have to find someone else to be open with. Maybe another man who can understand. I know that’s how it works best for me in my marriage. I have to use great wisdom in figuring out what things to share with my wife so that I don’t transfer undue burden to her from my issues (if that makes sense).
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
Thanks. Your post truly inspired my whole being. It’s heart breaking to know that my husband finds other women are more beautiful than me. On the other hand, i want to feel that i’m the most beautiful woman to my husband. All i can do to feel beautiful is to look through God’s eyes.