I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”
Silence.
Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.
“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.
“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”
“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.
“There have been. Yes.”
I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.
When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.
Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”
“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”
Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’
Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.
I had to do something, but what?
Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.
My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.
People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.
Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.
After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.
For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.
Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.
The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”
It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.
Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.
I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.
I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.
Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.
I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.
My husband told me (in front of another couple we were eating with) that our daughter looked better in my old clothes I handed down to her then I ever did. I was devastated. Most people tell me she looks just like me. I just can’t feel sexy around my husband now and am devastated. I also feel embarrassed. I know I look good for 53 and 4 children but now I just feel ugly most of the time and I rarely go out. I know he looks at porn and I just don’t rate anymore. I just can’t get past his comment. My husband is a man of few words who doesn’t give out compliments. I told him I was hurt but he didn’t say anything further.
Bev, what really troubles me is not so much what your husband may be trying to say about you.
What really troubles me is that he seems to see your daughter as a sex object that he can judge as “looking better than you ever did.”
I find it deeply, deeply troubling that this “man of few words” would verbalize this in front of another couple.
Bev, the real concern is not about you and whether you can feel sexy, although I am sorry it impacted you this way.
The real concern is that your husband looking at your daughter as a sex object.
I hope you will take careful consideration of what your boundaries need to be after such a devastating statement. Here is an article that you might find helpful.
I would encourage you to find a therapist for yourself immediately, someone who can help you process what is going on with this man, face the reality, and make healthy decisions not only for yourself but especially for your daughter, who depends on you for her safety and protection.
Peace to you,
Kay
While we were dating, my husband emailed a certain lady he was having a fling with(while dating me) “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever come across” the pain I feel in my heart, I cannot explain.
I will try my best to see myself the way God sees me. Thanks for the article
See yourself the way God sees you and treat yourself the way God treats you: with total respect and freedom from victimization and abuse. You are not required to be the victim of anybody’s sin, including your husband’s sin. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might help. No matter what your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Peace, Kay
Thank you for this article. Im sure it was not easy to write and share. My husband is a wonderful man and always so kind and loving to me but he has made a few off handed comments to me that wounded me and sent me looking for Christian advice online.
This past weekend he said, ” I think you are beautiful, I don’t care what everyone else says. ” It stopped me dead in my tracks and although I tried to keep positive thoughts and move on it hurt deeply and I am still hurting days later.
As a godly wife, it is one of my top priorities to be loving and pleasing to my husband. I now feel like I will never attain that goal. like I am a source of shame to my husband because of my appearance.
You are right, the devil is the true enemy and he comes only to kill, steal and destroy. Thank you again for this article, it helps me to know how to direct my thoughts and prayers surrounding this situation.
God Bless and You are very beautiful!!
Your husband’s comment “I think you are beautiful, I don’t care what anyone else says” sounds like emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting. It sounds like a very carefully constructed comment, designed to make you feel shame filled.
I wonder if those “off hand comments” are really as “off hand” as they seem.
I wonder if they are really so “few.”
Here’s the truth: you are already fully pleasing, whole, valuable, just as you are.
Your husband is not God. He is not your source of value.
Here are a couple of books you might check into if these “offhand” comments continue. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Peace to you,
Kay
Wow. Thank you so much for this article. It has really helped me to feel better.
Hello,
First of all, you ARE beautiful. After reading your blog post (thank you for it!), I couldn’t believe this happened to a woman as attractive as you. I feel your pain. I am in the same situation with my current partner. Your article made me feel relieve in that I am not alone. He has said hurtful things – to my face and I also saw him making comments online on women’s photos, where he actually said he found a woman with very large breasts more beautiful than his own girlfriend (me). I am still unsure if I can forgive him. Right now, it just hurts very much. I will read some of the links the poster above me shared, I think they are helpful for my situation.
And I remembered another thing. I chose my boyfriend, but before there was another man who courted me. The last time I met him, he said to me: You aren’t perfect, but you are perfect for me. And that, I realize now, was one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me. He relieved me of the pressure and necessity to have to be the most beautiful. Even if others are more physically perfect or better in other ways, they aren’t me and that was what counted for him. There are men, humans, like this out there, and I learnt my lesson.
God bless you.
Thank you for writing this (and you see, reached to me even after 8 years).
I was devastated when my husband said a girl he dated is “beautiful like me”. I’ll be giving birth to his child in less than two months.
I constantly ask myself why am I nothing more but equal to other women?
However, I found strength in your post. I agree, sometimes even if it’s words from your loved ones, they can hurt you and are not entirely truthful.
What is more important is what God thinks. Sometimes us humans are too unintelligent to see through beauty.
Hugs to you.
You’re a beautiful human being, and thank you for being so open and courageous. I am concerned that your husband negatively compared you to another woman when you were in need of emotional support. That is a red flag of emotional abuse. You may want to educate yourself on this topic. Emotional abuse tears away at a persons self esteem. I hope you continue to grow in your faith, and perceive your beauty inside and out, as we all should through God’s eyes.
Thank you for pointing out this red flat, Alicia. For more signs of abuse, check out the Power and Control Wheel from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. (Emotional violence is violence!)
Hi, I have been dealing with my husbands porn issue for 6 years. The other day I found out the same thing that I was not the prettiest girl to him. Something that should have been a no brainer considering the porn and cheating. It broke my heart I must have cried for half the day. I don’t understand how someone who is supposed to love you above all else can compare your looks to some bimbo. I still don’t understand and I still don’t know how to feel. It hurts everytime I think about it. I just want to die and let him find someone he does think is beautiful. Why does it bother me so bad. Why do I want to throw in the towel over what a cheating man thinks. Because I love him? Pride? I don’t know all I know is it hurts so bad and I don’t know how to deal with it. Please help.
Hey there.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I think there are a couple of things that might help.
First of all, make sure that YOU are getting the help and support that YOU need in order to deal with this situation. Find a counselor for YOU. Find a group for YOU. Check out the online resources at Bloom, to see if those might be helpful to YOU. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy.
Second, if your husband is so caught up in his craziness that physical “beauty” is his measure of your worth, well, we can’t help his crazy. But that doesn’t mean you have to live in it. I would just BET that he’s not the most handsome man on earth and yet he thinks he can judge you this way? PUL-LEESE.
Hop off the crazy train, my friend!
If he can’t understand your value as a human being beyond some particular collection of body parts, then yes, it’s probably time to think about your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.
You are NOT required to live as a slave to your husband’s sin. There is life, peace, and freedom for you.
Peace,
Kay
I still don’t see… how you can be ok knowing your husbands truth… if a man loves you he should be able to fight that I mean I struggled with not looking at other men for oh 3 months tops then it was easy to not notice them not to look all I know is they are people passing me if anything I worry more about women looking better yeah she may have flaws but obviously not to my husband if he can take his eyes off me and stare down another woman…. it’s 5 years and married for 4 years…. how can that be love it’s not hard to switch your mind if you truly love that person. I love God and everything but what I’ve read is what men or some men do some women even is adultry for just looking men only listfully look at women how can you be sure he isn’t Fantasing about that woman when he stared her Down and looked back at her ass it’s different if it’s face beauty but when they look at the parts of a woman where eyes shouldn’t roam then that is not real love they have for their wife. I can see a mans face and say oh he has nice green eyes or face in general but looking down and saying oh nice ass or boobs or what ever male or female that is not right.. I will never feel beautiful until my husband actually can show me I am his only and doesn’t need to see someone else’s body parts… weather clothed or not… I hate when I hear people justify men or woman who look… I know I’m beautiful in Gods eyes but I’m living with my husband and see this i shouldn’t need to see it nor should he be doing it plain and simple uplifting your wife is what men need to do and not just with his words but with his actions and patterns
Objectifying someone else is never okay. Other human beings are created in the image of God, they are valuable because of that, not because of how they look. If your husband treats you and others are objects, it’s time to think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this relationship. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. You bear the divine image of God. Your relationships shoud reflect this. You are not required to live under someone else’s slavery to objectification. Peace, Kay
My husband is addicted to porn. We have been dealing with this for a few years now. He says he has quit. But it is so hard to trust him. He lies about everything, even stupid insignificant things that no one would need to lie about. I would never ask my husband if I was the most beautiful woman to him, because I already no the answer. It’s no. I am over weight. But I never felt ugly. In fact I always felt pretty. Until my husband said to me “Of course I look at porn & “expletive” because look at you!” I felt like I had been slapped in the face. It hurt my feelings so much to know the person that is supposed to love you, feels this way about you. We have been together 25 years. Since I was 17. Divorce isn’t an option. I just don’t know what to do & how to deal with all my feelings and emotions. When I cry he just says I’m feeling sorry for myself. I pray constantly, I receive some comfort, but it’s still not fixed.
Anne, I am so sorry.
Every person is responsible for their own choices, so your husband’s choices can’t be your fault. I’m sure you know this, even if he doesn’t.
Your husband’s lack of compassion for your pain is a very difficult thing to bear, and I’m so sorry for that. His dismissal of your emotions is called gaslighting, and is a form of emotional abuse.
It’s very common for people to project their feelings of shame and guilt onto others, and when we’re the closest person to someone who’s violating their own values, we’re the most likely target. You might want to watch this short animation on defense mechanisms so you can be prepared for these kinds of behaviors.
Find a counselor who can help you process your feelings and create healthy boundaries. Here and here are some articles to help you start thinking about boundaries. You might also like to check out the resources at Bloom.
Peace, Kay