This comment is a whopper. Earlier this week a man was reading through the comments from wives on one of our popular posts and left his own criticisms. I’ve posted his thoughts below and my own response to him.
Let me say this, there is a huge difference between a casual watcher of porn and someone who ‘uses’ it. If your husband is ignoring your sexual needs, ignores you, etc., etc., and chooses porn instead of you, or spends hours watching the stuff then obviously there is a problem.
But I’d say that most men who watch pornography are in no danger of this. They turn it on, do their business, turn it off, and go about their day still loving their wives and showing them attention.
Most of the posts on this forum are from jealous women, who are upset their husbands don’t sit around all day fantasizing about them. If you took away the pornography (which is a whole other issue) men would just close their eyes and use their imaginations, and it’s probably not going to be starring you. So as long as the man isn’t an actual addict, just get over it. There is nothing wrong with it.
Most of the problems the women have described come from their own low self esteem and intimacy issues. Do you think that if your husband found you watching porn he would be upset you were lusting after other men? Or would be excited? Be honest.
Also, I find it very very amusing that all these “Christians” are posting about how they are upset that their boyfriends look at porn or that their second or third husbands look at porn. If you’re so high and mighty to have a religious-based moral issue against pornography, what are you doing having premarital sex or getting divorced?
My Response:
First, thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty.
Second, you’re really not in a position to call the commenters hypocrites. Hypocrisy is pretending to be what one is not. Honest Christian believers know full well they are desperately imperfect. The fact that any of the commenters here have sinned in the past is not in question. We all have.
Third, you really have hit the nail on the head: the difference between these women and you is that their expectations about marriage are utterly different from your own. When these couples vowed to “forsake all others,” these wives really believed this meant striving to channel all their affection, romance, and sexual energy within their marriage. For some of these women, that expectation was made clear from the get-go, and their men chose to keep their obsessions with virtual women a secret. For other women, that expectation was left unstated and both walked into marriage blind.
Either way, the solution is not changing their ideals. Christian ethics around this issue, or about any topic for that matter, are not merely based on a rigid principle of “God says so.” The same God who commanded men not to lust after other women is the God who created marriage and the human sex drive. When He commands something, it perfectly aligns with how we are designed to work as human beings.
The point is this: these women want their husbands to stop fantasizing about other women because they firmly believe this is how marriage was designed by God for experiencing the greatest blessing.
It is precisely because sex is so good that they don’t want to see it cheapened by lust. It is precisely because marital intimacy is so rich that they don’t want to see their marriage lose out to the fantasies that drive solo-sex.
Lastly, I agree with you about one thing: Not all men end in the trenches of addiction when it comes to porn. Many do not. But more and more men and women—even many non-Christian men and women—are coming to the same conclusions: porn is the enemy of intimacy because of how to reshapes our minds and sexual beliefs.
Abstaining from pornographic fantasy is not a shackle. It is freeing. When I was young I never said to myself, “When I grow up I want to be the kind of man who masturbates to pixels on a screen instead of using my sexual energy to please and serve my wife.” Making the choice to love and serve my wife is a blessing to both of us.
What are your thoughts? Should women just “get over it”?
I’ve been reading all the comments on here and I must say, it makes me feel really stupid. My husband and I have been married for over 38 years. He just confessed approx 1yr ago that he has been addicted to porn and started looking at it when he was 13. I never
had a clue! Our marriage was far from perfect but I didn’t have any idea he was doing anything like that. He had talked to our pastor a nd I have talked to our pastor’s wife. He says he isn’t doing it anymore, but I’ve really struggled and am struggling with trust issues. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone else, but I feel like I’m carrying around a deep, dark secret. I feel like he isn’t being completely honest with everyone else. He wants everyone else to cont to think our marriage is “great”. Everyone thinks he’s such a saint including our 3 grown children. I don’t think their opinion of him would change all that much except maybe cause them to respect him even more for the courage it would take to “confess” something like that. I want our marriage to last “til death us do part”. I’m just having a hard time knowing how to deal with the wide range of emotions and feelings. Married 37 years without knowing? How is that possible? He did tell me that he “always was a master at deceit”, which makes it even harder for me to trust him now.
When somebody wants to conceal something, they can. It’s so frightening! And it just turns your world upside down. I hear you. But it doesn’t mean you’re stupid! It just means he wanted to hide this from you, and he did.
I don’t know if you’ve found Hope After Porn, which is a free download. It’s four women telling their stories, talking about the choices they made toward recovery. I think it might help you feel a lot less stupid–so many of us have been through it. And, there’s hope. There is.
As far as struggling with trust issues? Yes! Of course you are! We trust people when they are trustworthy, and we know they are trustworthy when they behave in trustworthy ways over time. Your husband hasn’t been trustworthy. That’s just the real trust issue: it’s him, not being trustworthy. He can be trustworthy, but things have to change big-time. I think there are two different kinds of trustworthiness in situations like this.
1. Practical trustworthiness: he does the work of blocking the internet, eradicating other types of pornography, changing habits that supported his behavior in the past, etc. Ongoing accountability is often a good step to take. I think he’d do well to join a group or go to counseling. The American Association of Christian Counselors has members throughout the country. I don’t know if you ran across this article here on the blog, but it’s something you could pass along to your husband with ideas. Primarily, it will be his job to do what it takes to demonstrate that he is trustworthy on a practical level. He probably won’t be 100% successful all the time, because this is a life-long behavior, and habits like that take time to change. But he should be doing the job, and getting back up to do it again when he fails. You should know what’s going on (although the level of detail is up to you), and you should feel confident that he’s working hard to be trustworthy.
2. Emotional trustworthiness: he turns toward you emotionally. He invites your emotions, your thoughts, your need to know. He listens. He connects. He cares. He’s genuinely remorseful. He doesn’t blame you. He supports you in getting the support you need. He might even become more willing to talk to other people and be emotionally trustworthy with them. When that happens, it reinforces to you that he’s open and working and healing.
You know what, I think you’re going to need a bunch of support in this, too. No matter what he chooses, you can make good choices for yourself. Here are some things I think can help you in this:
1. I hope you’ll find yourself a counselor and let someone help you carry this burden. I get that he’s not ready to tell the world. But you shouldn’t have to carry around the deep, dark secret either. Counselors keep confidentiality.
2. Educate yourself, so you understand what’s going on. I hope that what you’re reading here on the blog is helpful to you. Dig into the free downloads, even the stats pages. There’s even a free video series. There are a lot of voices, a lot of experiences here. Hopefully that helps you feel less alone.
Know that you are God’s beloved. He has you safe, no matter what.
Me and my husband have been married for almost 9 yrs now. I discovered his porn habit on Valentines Day in 2007. He always says he wants to make our marriage work but doesn’t seem to put much work into it. We have spoken to various pastors in our church and keep getting passed from one pastor to another. Two nights ago I discovered that he was looking up porn sites on Face Book as well as looking up women in our town on Face Book that are virtually naked. He says its because I’m not giving him enough sex, but he doesnt seem to see how often he rejects me because he’s tired or not feeling well. All this is disturbing enough, but several of the sites he visits are “barely legal” or “hot teens”. He is step father to my 2 girls who are 14 and 12. This really has me concerned. I am so tired of the hurt involved with this. I am tired of crying over him and my kids don’t need to see me crying. I love him very much. If I didn’t I would not have tried to make it work all these years. But I can not erase the images from my mind of what I keep finding. I can never compare to those women. I want to be everything to him and for him. But I am tired of hurting and have told him that right now I am one foot out the door. I don’t want apologies. I want to see him take action on his own to show that he wants this marriage to work. Even as I write the tears are falling. As a woman it is hard to separate the fact that his looking at those images doesn’t affect his love for me. In my mind, if you truly love someone, you would not want to hurt them in any way. Especially if it’s something that hurts and affects your partner so deeply.
Hi Rachel, thanks for commenting and sharing some of your story.
What your husband is doing is terrible. It is so hard to deal with something like this for as long as you have been dealing with it.
His excuse that you aren’t giving him enough sex is, quite frankly, pretty lame. He’s a Christian, right? The fact remains that he is called by God to maintain purity in his eyes, actions, and thoughts even if he wasn’t having sex. What are single Christians expected to do? Practice self-control and, if they desire to do so, seek to be married. What are married men expected to do? Pursue romance with their wives and, when the opportunity for sex isn’t there, practice self-control.
What do these pastors at your church say? What has their advice been? Have they given him any action steps he needs to take?
It hasn’t really been discussed with our counselors. We will be going to a marriage seminar in a week and I’m hoping it will be discussed more there. He also finally sat down with a couple of men who I really trust today and discussed it. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed about this because I feel like I’m at a breaking point and have been more often than not in our marriage. Every time, though, God keeps pressing on my heart that I need to keep this marriage together. I’ve also had a couple of friends who were praying for us tell me that they believe that our marriage will be more incredible than I could ever imagine if I keep pressing on. It’s just incredibly difficult and I find myself doubting God constantly. I guess I would really like to know what would be the best way to help and encourage my husband through this. Thank you so much for the prayers. I need an incredible amount of strength to get through this.
I pray that continued meetings with these men are helpful to him, that the marriage seminar will speak to both of you exactly where you are at, and that your counselor addresses these issues head on. You are doing so much already to help your husband. Continue to pray for him and be an encouragement, but also find the help you need for yourself: friends and mentors who can listen to you and encourage you through all of this.
I am married for 9years but the nineyears were painfully because I did not know what was going on till he confessed to me.he used to watch maids bathing,he could peep thru the bathroom window,he would go to massage palours ,road strippers ,masturbate,&playboy videos.he would keep naked women pictures in his phone.i felt betrayed &taken to b a fool struggled to move on I felt less of a woman &i feel I need to rise up above everything&rediscover myself.this affected my performance@work because I could not concertrate well.but I hv discoverd some receipts of the palour&videos I think he is nt yet decided so I feel I shld move on but please advise how can I move on
Angeline, I’m so sorry to hear about your pain right now. What your husband is doing is shameful.
I highly recommend you read this little book. It is free and you can download it from our website right now. It addresses you questions.
I am struggling right now with the idea of staying with my husband. It’s been 5 months since I found gay porn on my husbands phone. It’s not the first time and there’s been regular porn as well. He also had an affair which had started before we even got married. We’ve only been married 4 1/2 years. Right now I’m angry and hurt because he has not made an effort to get real help, he has only told a couple of people (one of which was a pastor) who did nothing about it and he didn’t even explain the full severity of it. What should I do? We are going through counseling right now because we recently got into an argument and the cops were called (on me) and that has really put a strain on our marriage. So on top of the fact that I don’t see godly sorrow for anything that he has ever done and that he’s not getting help for his problem, I feel that my marriage is over. What should I do? I truly don’t want a divorce, but I can’t take the mental/emotional distress of my marriage much longer.
Hi Babbs. You are right to feel anger over this situation. It’s good that you’re reaching out for help.
What does your counselor say about all of this?
Drop him unless God tells u otherwise. Life is 2 short 4 all of this drama. Only remorse my 1st husband had was getting busted. We were married 16yrs! He didn’t care how I felt until I told him I wanted a divorce. By the time he took notice, I was moving out and buying MY OWN HOME. Best decision I’ve ever made. Good luck. I’m praying 4 u.
Thank u for the blog I am glad to knw I am not alone.i need to know how can I move on because I had idolized my husband for long
I don’t think my husband will go for being accountable. He’s a liar! I shut down all of the computers, except for my laptop years ago. He now uses a small tablet. The size of your hand. Last time I caught him with it was Thanksgiving night around 9:30pm. I was like “Really!!! You couldn’t wait until Friday?! Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving for me!” I’m was numb and sick until I found this site and one other christian website. I had him read “How a Wife feels About Porn” and he was humbled and said he was going to change, but I doubt if he will. I’m wondering if it’s worth it or is it time to move on. I’m tired of him always having me in turmoil. I need peace.
It’s true that to be accountable, a man must be willing to be honest with another person. Your husband needs to recognize he has a problem and find the help he needs.
I’m so sorry to hear how he’s trampling all over your heart like this. If he says he wants to change, that’s a start, but of course, he has to follow this up with actions. You might have your husband read some more things on our website to help him make these changes.
Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn
How to Quit Porn: 6 Essential Steps
Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage After Pornography
4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex in Marriage
As for yourself, Lea, you also need to talk to someone about this problem. Have you been able to confide in anyone about this?
I must address the comment that a wife should ‘just get over it’. That is the mentality that is just as hurtful and disrespectful as the actual use of porn. If a wife cares at all about her husband and her marriage there is no way to accept that in the relationship. Sometimes I have to wonder about some men’s intelligence. And as far as if it were reversed, again, if the husband cares at all about his wife and his marriage ABSOLUTELY he would be hurt and upset. Whether the man is addicted or not there is still nothing good about porn in a marriage, it always detracts from the relationship and if the man IS addicted it will not stop with just watching or normal sex. As a wife of a previous porn addict I am still struggling with issues a year after the fact. Any little argument escalates into a rerun of what I saw my husband saying and doing and all the hurt and anger comes rushing back. It’s going to end a wonderful once of a lifetime passionate love if we don’t get it together. And you know why? Because he thinks I should just ‘get over it’.
Exactly, Ginny. I hope this article demonstrates why that mentality is wrong.
I’m really glad you are reaching out. As a wife of a sex addict (which I found out makes me a co-sex addict), I know how hard it is to live with this secret. My husband has been addicted since he was 13 and I accidentally found out about it while he was attending seminary to be in ministry. I kept his secret for over 8 years and for the exact reasons you’ve listed above. I didn’t want him to be ostracized, there were no counselors that met his high standards, we were going to pray him through it, etc.
It seems pretty clear in what you’ve written above that your husband is lost in shame from his addiction. This causes him to go out of his way to keep it from you and others. I really respect you for reaching out to others to help you decipher the truth rather than depending on him to set reality for you.
Now, let me ask you two difficult questions: Do you idolize your husband? Do you look to him as your “spiritual rock”? I know I did, and even though it doesn’t sound like a bad thing, it can often times be a sign of co-dependency. Being a co-dependent (or co-sex addict) means we enable our husbands to continue in their addiction. We enable them when we don’t allow them to experience the repercussions of their choices and when we have no personal boundaries for our own lives.
Below are ways that you can start moving toward a new way of living:
1. Pray for God’s mercy and direction and get connected with a church body if you aren’t already.
2. Stop keeping it in the dark! (That’s where sin grows best.) Find three spiritually mature people that love you both and are interested in the survival of your marriage and read to them what you wrote to us (parent, pastor, bible study leader) ** Do not ask for your husbands “permission” to do this, or use it as a threat to get your husband to alter his behavior. He is your brother in Christ, you’ve confronted him in love and now it’s time for reinforcements. (Matt 18:15-16)
3. Immediately, if not sooner, find a sexual addiction christian counselor AACC.net. Not for him, for YOU! You have some very difficult decisions to make and you need someone to walk you through them. You need counseling as much as he does, but you are only able to make decisions for you. If he decides he wants to participate, great! If not, stay committed and watch how God changes you.
4. Find a Celebrate Recovery “type” group in your area. They normally meet at local churches and have groups that are specific to co-dependency. You can also look for a program supporting co-sex addicts at saa-recovery.org. This again is for YOU! Keep this self-focused and not as a tool to manipulate or shame him into action. Trust me…this type of action doesn’t last because it’s man-made not God-made.
5. Download Covenant Eyes on everything you have ownership of in your home. You can request that your husband do the same on his devices, but remember, these are your boundaries and he can choose to ignore them. This is where your counselor will help you with setting your consequences.
These are real steps that will change your life, I promise you. I know that you don’t want to hurt or embarrass your husband, but he will thank you one day for taking these difficult steps. This addiction is bigger than the both of you and you will need help from the outside.
My husband will tell you that it was like he was in a very deep well. He told me that he was in control and could climb out on his own, all the while secretly blaming his position in the well on God. Between his anger and his self-reliance there was no room for rescue. But God is the great rescuer and I pray that through this pain and suffering you will grow to know Him more intimately.
April, Unfortunately at this very moment I only have a minute but I could not ignore this and risk forgetting to respond later. In many areas you have been very misguided as the partner of a sex addict. Please throw out the term co-addict. Get the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Email me when you have time.
Thanks for your comment April! Since I last wrote on this blog, we’ve been doing better. I have been able to control myself and keep calm when discussing his past or possible present porn use. I can’t always keep my anger in, but I do for the most part. I’ve decided that from now on, if we have a discussion about this or things I’ve found, if I feel like I’m losing it, I will tell him we need to take a break and finish this discussion at a time when I can. I don’t know if I’m a co-sex addict. I believe my issues are more along the lines of PTSD. However, both are not good, so either way, it’s not where I wanna be. I’m currently seeking help for myself and counseling from a trusted Christian friend who understands and deals with this sort of thing all the time. I might need additional help, but I don’t know yet. Some days I do better than others. I’m working on trusting God with my husband’s addictions and not trying to police him myself. I’ve been physically sick over this too for quite some time. I’m doing better now, but I don’t know if I can keep bearing this weight. He swears he’s been good for a month or a month 1/2, but there are several times when I feel he has slipped and lied about it. It could be every time I leave for all I know, but he says he looks at pics of me then or thinks about me. However, he said that when I was at work last night and first said he waited for me to get home and didn’t do anything. However, when I got home, the door to our bedroom was shut, and he was in the bathroom and there was a towel he tends to use for things like this still lying on the bed. It was used, just a little. I confronted him on that and he said he didn’t do anything, he just blew his nose on it and it smells the same. Then he admitted to using it but not finishing and deciding to wait for me. Then he thought about me when he was using it. Then he said a little might have escaped before he stopped using the towel. Then this morning he said that since he was trying to be honest, he wanted to tell me in case I looked at his netflix and saw his recent watched movies, he watched a certain movie that I saw a bit of with him before and asked him to turn off. he said he was tired and just wanted to watch it. This is while I was still gone. He said he stopped it before it got to the dirty scene. So I watched it to see what he was talking about and he stopped it after it showed some women of a certain nature…and yes it did get worse after the point he stopped it at, but it already had shown them and this was the only area of the whole movie that had sex scenes in it. Very graphic. He said he just wanted to watch the movie and new some of it was really disturbing so he skipped around through it. So the story continues to change and he didn’t start it from the beginning and stopped when it got nasty. He has seen this movie several times and knows where the nasty scenes are and they are all at the beginning where he lasted watched. His story doesn’t add up and combined with what he did last night with the door shut and the towel that was used a little bit, I don’t think he didn’t do anything, waited for me, or thought about me when he used the towel. I think he meant to watch that “soldier movie” for another reason, the movie is terribly disturbing by the way, so no good reason, and I think he betrayed me and lied to me again about what he did and even his honesty. What do you think? He said some parts of the movie were actually really good, but the movie is full of murder, that’s what it’s about. A soldier killing innocent people and their families and complete with graphic sex scenes at the beginning. Not my idea of a good or interesting movie. Just disturbing. So what do you think? Maybe he is still lying to me and has not even been thinking of me when he admits to doing things. I discussed seeking help. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t even want me to. I discussed putting covanent eyes on every device and at first he had such a problem with being “watched” but then finally agreed. I didn’t put it on though, because I believe in God’s demonstration of love by giving all of us free choice or the power to choose and make our own decisions whatever the consequence. So I talked to him about that and told him the choice is up to him, I won’t spy on him, or police him, but do ask that he be completely open and honest with me and be accountable by keeping history on all devices and not hiding things. So far for almost a month he’s been more open, but sometimes has hidden things or looked at other seemingly harmless celebrity bikini photos or article about bras or this movie. He plays on WoW online and goes to their chatrooms a lot, but I can’t find what he said or who he talked to specifically or what about because it doesn’t keep message logs. So I don’t know if he talks about the game or about other things and he has always had male characters but recently added a female one and yes she looks skimpy. Said he just got tired of having only male characters. I don’t know what to think about that. He said ha knows what choices he has to make and knows what the consequences will be, but I swear he’s still not changing. Or he is trying but every now and then caving in. I don’t even know if what he’s told me for the past month has been true. I kinda doubt it after last night. Like I said, still working on my trust issues with Jesus, and I can’t trust my husband right now. Trying not to retaliate, but that’s my temptation at this point because I’ve quite doing everything he wanted me to quite doing, which involved using substances to cope with pain. I stopped and have been relying on God. Now I feel tempted to get attention from other guys or just going out to dance or get massages since he doesn’t give me real massages anymore or any except ever now and then when I’ve begged him because I’m sore. I’m trying to not sink to that level but don’t know how to feel anymore because this is so brutal to me. I love him so deeply and knows he loves me back very deeply, but is stuck in his own selfish addictions or desires. I guess just let me know what you think about this and offer any other suggestions. Thanks!
Thanks for creating this blog post! I’m a wife of a porn addict and love him so much, but really need help! I’m seeking advice or encouragement on what I should do to help him and help myself. He’s the best husband I could ever ask for and has a close relationship with God and with me and with our children. He’s not like most men I’ve met or heard of when it comes to pretty much everything. He doesn’t cuss, drink beer, watch football, or hard core porn, doesn’t flirt with other women, at least as far as I know of. He has looked at porn, gallery pics of naked women exposing themselves. He’s had this problem since he was 10 and caught his father looking at porn and has been interested and addicted ever since and is 26 now. I first walked in on him pleasuring himself to it when I was engaged to him. It happened several more times and he promised that he wouldn’t do it anymore and we prayed together for help to beat this. He told me he was able to quit for a year, I’m not so sure it was quite that long, more like 6 months. We have an awesome sex life and I’m the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
However, I began to catch him looking at it again or finding it accidentally left on the history or on the computer. We’ve been dealing with this struggle hard for the past year now and especially lately, it seems like I’m finding new things that he’s been doing behind my back. I found more porn, dirty things he used, and he has an iphone and I found porn on that too. He had a program that would auto delete history from the computer and iphone. I confronted him about that and he was sorry and said he was struggling and doing better but has relapses. He agreed to be transparent with me when it comes to the computer, however, he said the phone has a chip or something in it that won’t keep history on. I looked at his phone and selected the show browsing history option and it worked for several days, but then history suddenly disappeared again. So I’d look something up again and see it in history and later the next day would check and it would be gone. Do you think he’s looking and then deleting? He claims he isn’t and we’ve talked about it being ok to be open and honest from now on because I won’t flip out as long as he doesn’t hide things from me because he wants my help. But the phone is a problem. I saw him look up an old friend’s facebook photo of her posing, fully clothed, but posing like a stripper standing next to a poll. He didn’t look at her other family photos or photos of her face but clicked on that pic. That made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t see him having personal conversations with her and she lives a state away. Also I found that when we watch netflix together at night, after I dose off he would still keep watching several more hours and I’d find him looking up erotic themed movies. We talked about that too and that time he said I was freaking out and it’s okay. They had good story lines he said, but then confessed it made his problem worse. He is different than most men, and because of that thinks he can’t take advise from other guys who were addicted to porn or to church counselors because they wouldn’t be like him or at his level of spiritual understanding or respect for women. But he knows this physically, emotionally and mentally beats me down because I can’t stand it. It hurts too much. I try to listen and be understanding and helpful and offered that he talk to another guy, but he wants to keep it secret and work with me and with God, praying in the moment he’s tempted. I don’t believe that will free him of his addiction. He always tells me I’m perfectly beautiful and it has nothing to do with me and I know he has had this problem a long time. He wants to change, but I don’t think he’s completely made up his mind. I leave for work in the evenings and know he’s been watching porn while I’ve been away even though I gave him pics of myself to do his thing to help him. I want to help him but can’t when he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his issue with anyone outside our marriage that could really help with accountability and support. He feels that there would be a condemning attitude towards him and is so ashamed of his behavior. Thank you for all your posts on here! It helps me to look at them. Please any advice about how to talk to him about covenant eyes for our internet usage and not dealing with this by himself anymore would be much much appreciated! I used to have ptsd and now have it full blown over this because I really truly love him and he loves me the same way, but has been unable to stop his addiction. Please help! Thanks!
Thank you so much for this blog and the posts related to “wives of porn addicts.”
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. At the beginning of our marriage, he confessed that porn was a struggle for him and that he was seeking accountability through Internet monitoring and a friend to offer support. He later joined a small group and helped counsel other men who were struggling.
I have never “caught” him in the act or noticed any signs of infidelity in over 5 years, but just last week, when I asked him about it, he admitted that it’s gotten better but it’s still a problem for him. I was shocked–assuming that he had gained victory over this sin several years ago (even if the temptation is still an issue). We now have kids, are in ministry together and have an altogether happy and holy marriage. Because I felt so far removed from “that part of our life” and we seemed to be so close, I am all the more devastated he has been unfaithful to me all these years and never sought more help. He says he’s sorry but asserts that he can’t promise it won’t happen again. I don’t know if I can live through it and again, but I want our marriage to thrive.
He’s disappointed that I’m focusing on the betrayal rather than the progress he’s made, that it’s less frequent than before and feels stronger in that area. I’m having trouble connecting with him. I want to cling to him, not push him away.
We’re attempting to heal together but he seems so ashamed and defeated. I’m just broken over it. We’re trying to go to a counselor about it but have not gotten a call back from the people we’ve tried to reach. So, this blog is a lifeline to me right now as we wait to get help. Thank you again for the support and encouragement. I wonder if you could offer any specific advice for us.
Hi Elizabeth. I’m glad this blog has been a lifeline for you. Let us know if you have specific questions!
Elizabeth,
I would love to chat with you personally. I feel like we are in a similar boat. I have been married to my husband for 15 years, 9 of which he has been lying. A few years into our marriage he asked if I would watch pornography with him. I said yes to appease him (because I thought seeing what he was interested in would be better than having him hide it from me) but I couldn’t handle it so told him I wanted no part of it so we got rid of it. He never mentioned it again so I assumed he had things under control. 7 years into our marriage I found a bag full of porn videos in his truck and was devastated that he had been lying to me all those years. At that time he also confessed he had been attending strip clubs. He didn’t want to get outside help, no accountability partner nor was I allowed to talk to anyone what our marriage because he was ashamed. He wanted me to keep him accountable. That worked for a while but then he became resentful that I was asking him how he was doing, throwing in my face that I hadn’t forgiven him if I was asking and that I didn’t trust him or I wouldn’t have to ask. This last weekend I confronted him again because I felt deep in my soul he was hiding something from me. After blaming me and telling me all our marriage problems stemmed from me he confessed that he had been buying porn on the road for the last four years.
Again, I am crushed. He doesn’t understand my angry. He has had four years to process. I have had only a few days. I am not allowed to talk to anyone. If he knew I was typing this I would be in huge trouble.. it is like a huge betrayal to him that I would share our personal marriage troubles with someone. Yet, all the crap he has brought into our marriage, I’m just supposed to forgive that and leave it behind me. I told him he had to get help this time. I don’t want to be his ‘accountability’ partner. He lies to me. He needs to talk to someone he can’t lye to!
We too are Christians and to outside eyes he looks like a completely upright man. No one would be the wiser!