This comment is a whopper. Earlier this week a man was reading through the comments from wives on one of our popular posts and left his own criticisms. I’ve posted his thoughts below and my own response to him.
Let me say this, there is a huge difference between a casual watcher of porn and someone who ‘uses’ it. If your husband is ignoring your sexual needs, ignores you, etc., etc., and chooses porn instead of you, or spends hours watching the stuff then obviously there is a problem.
But I’d say that most men who watch pornography are in no danger of this. They turn it on, do their business, turn it off, and go about their day still loving their wives and showing them attention.
Most of the posts on this forum are from jealous women, who are upset their husbands don’t sit around all day fantasizing about them. If you took away the pornography (which is a whole other issue) men would just close their eyes and use their imaginations, and it’s probably not going to be starring you. So as long as the man isn’t an actual addict, just get over it. There is nothing wrong with it.
Most of the problems the women have described come from their own low self esteem and intimacy issues. Do you think that if your husband found you watching porn he would be upset you were lusting after other men? Or would be excited? Be honest.
Also, I find it very very amusing that all these “Christians” are posting about how they are upset that their boyfriends look at porn or that their second or third husbands look at porn. If you’re so high and mighty to have a religious-based moral issue against pornography, what are you doing having premarital sex or getting divorced?
My Response:
First, thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty.
Second, you’re really not in a position to call the commenters hypocrites. Hypocrisy is pretending to be what one is not. Honest Christian believers know full well they are desperately imperfect. The fact that any of the commenters here have sinned in the past is not in question. We all have.
Third, you really have hit the nail on the head: the difference between these women and you is that their expectations about marriage are utterly different from your own. When these couples vowed to “forsake all others,” these wives really believed this meant striving to channel all their affection, romance, and sexual energy within their marriage. For some of these women, that expectation was made clear from the get-go, and their men chose to keep their obsessions with virtual women a secret. For other women, that expectation was left unstated and both walked into marriage blind.
Either way, the solution is not changing their ideals. Christian ethics around this issue, or about any topic for that matter, are not merely based on a rigid principle of “God says so.” The same God who commanded men not to lust after other women is the God who created marriage and the human sex drive. When He commands something, it perfectly aligns with how we are designed to work as human beings.
The point is this: these women want their husbands to stop fantasizing about other women because they firmly believe this is how marriage was designed by God for experiencing the greatest blessing.
It is precisely because sex is so good that they don’t want to see it cheapened by lust. It is precisely because marital intimacy is so rich that they don’t want to see their marriage lose out to the fantasies that drive solo-sex.
Lastly, I agree with you about one thing: Not all men end in the trenches of addiction when it comes to porn. Many do not. But more and more men and women—even many non-Christian men and women—are coming to the same conclusions: porn is the enemy of intimacy because of how to reshapes our minds and sexual beliefs.
Abstaining from pornographic fantasy is not a shackle. It is freeing. When I was young I never said to myself, “When I grow up I want to be the kind of man who masturbates to pixels on a screen instead of using my sexual energy to please and serve my wife.” Making the choice to love and serve my wife is a blessing to both of us.
What are your thoughts? Should women just “get over it”?
I should add that we obviously should bring our wives into the picture, and we should care how they feel. But I am trying to get to the very heart of the matter.
To approach this from a different angle, I’m going to avoid debating whether or not wives have a right to be jealous when their husbands view pornography. As I considered the original comment, I felt like scripture shined some light on the subject for me. I think that the fundamental problem with the objection to—abstaining from pornography in order to appease jealous wives—is that wives should not be the foundational motivation that compels us to give up pornography; God should be. 1 Thes. 4:3-8 says, “It is [God’s] will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is [holy] and honorable, not in passionate lust like unbelievers, who do not know God…” Holiness is a standard [God] sets up for us, and it is not measured by our wives or any other human being, but by God. Listen to where Jesus lays the standard: “You have heard that is was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” 1 Thes. goes on to say “that in this matter no one should take advantage of a brother or sister.” The reality is, the actresses and models in pornography [are] real women. By viewing pornography we take advantage of their vulnerability and their slavery to their own insecurity and sin. The trap of selling their bodies exists only because we are willing to indulge our appetites on their weakness. I’m not suggesting that they are innocent, just that we are certainly not innocent either. Pornography is powerful precisely because we know that it is not [just] a picture. That’s why it is so easy to participate in what we see. Our minds and bodies require [some] reality as the basis for our fantasies. 1 Thes. continues: “The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a [holy] life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being” (it’s not about rejecting our wives) “but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” King David understood that our sin is a trespass against God, not man. That is why after he had sex with another man’s wife and then had that man killed, he prayed to God, “Against You, and You alone have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” In the end, we live accountable to God alone. David went on to confess, “so that You are justified when you speak and blameless when you judge.” This explains [why] David’s sin was against God alone. God is the only one righteous enough to point the finger. His perfection is why He is “justified when He speaks.” If we base our motivation to pursue holiness on anyone else’s righteousness, at some point we can use their faults as an excuse for our own sin. They do not have the right to demand that we be holy (still, the humble man can accept rebuke from another sinful and imperfect person and repent). But God can tell us to be holy because He [is] holy. Therefore, no man can ever excuse himself before God by pointing the finger back at his wife or anyone else. We stand before God and God alone. We don’t even need to bring wives into the picture because they do not form the basis for our pursuit of holiness; God does.
Great thoughts, Ben. Certainly both the horizontal (human relationships) and vertical (God relationship) are impacted by our sins. The two greatest commandments should be kept together and seen in light of each other.
Thank you Ben. Well said!! This is encouraging to see men standing for purity. I haven’t seen it so I was really doubting its existence (men striving for purity and faithfulness).
I wanted to respond to Sue. My husband and I were in the same situation with him thinking he could do it on his own for years and not wanting to tell anyone else. The ministry he finally consented to was phone counseling through Doug Weiss’s ministry (sexaddict.com). Maybe it was the privacy of it being on the phone or the convenience, who knows, but it has helped. He is now part of a men’s accountability call (moderated by a therapist from the ministry) every Monday night with guys from all over the country. He never misses a call and it has brought him such freedom! This was definitely a turning point for him, so I wanted to share it with you :). Much love and prayers to you!!
Sue…I feel for you like I do for my wife. Your husband needs to find an SA meeting. They have saved my life and my marriage. He will find there men just like him. He will discover he is not alone. He will discover a brotherhood and a connection with people and God that will see him through this addiction.
Paul…I used to think like you do and I was wrong. Any recovering sex addict will have come to realize that sex is absolutely optional. Sex is not owed to either partner. Sex is only one form of intimacy and isn’t required for a happy, healthy and intensely intimate relationship. Until a man figures this out, he and his marriage will never be complete.
Sex is part of the marriage relationship. Yes there are men who did turn to porn AFTER their wife would go months without sex and intimacy. That is how I felt close to her. She didn’t care. She would rather meet other married men for coffee but they were only friends to talk about our problems. Never talked to me. Never would go to counseling. Now I am free from porn for almost a year but she has a new boyfriend…one of the friends she had and we are divorced. Tell my three kids again how the cold fridge wife is to deal with her own problems and the man hair has to get over it?!?! How did that go? When you go months on end without intimacy from your wife and you are still showing her love, how do you deal with that when she wont do anything about it or thinks nothing is wrong? Nothing is wrong with having male friends when you are married. Tell that to my three hurting children!! Mom was selfish but she can go sleep with someone else with no problem. Just not the person she was married to for 17 years! Porn is wrong but so is withholding sex or promising and not following through. Intimacy is part of marriage. Don’t try to tell me it’s not part of a strong healthy marriage. You are delusional if you think it is not!
You make some very good points, but I’m afraid you missed the point that I was trying to make. I am not talking about a man whose wife refuses sex with him BECAUSE he is into pornography, but a wife who refuses sex over several years, THEN he turns to pornography. I am not saying this makes it right, but it just seemed to me that this was an aspect of the discussion that was not being covered. Since the husband would never consider having a physical affair, yet his wife is cold and indifferent to his physical needs, he feels that he has nowhere to turn. Pornography is certainly not the answer, but he feels that he has no other outlet.
When a couple pledges to be faithful to each other, they are saying to one another (among many oher things, of course) “YOU are the one person I will turn to; and I will be the one you turn to for sexual satisfaction and fulfillment.” When one partner decides, for whatever reason, that sex is no longer important to him or her, they are BREAKING the original covenant they made with each other. If one of the couple turns to someone else, or even to pornography, then we naturally say that unfaithfulness has occurred.
BUT I believe it is equally as true to say that unfaithfulness has occurred when one of the couple breaks that early promise to be the ONLY ONE who meets those needs.
In many cases, the wife will say to her husband, “Why is it ALWAYS about sex with you?” And he wonders, “Why is it NEVER about sex with you?”
Hopefully this has clarified my earlier point, and opened up further discussion on this whole subject.
You have made your point. Thank you for clarifying.
That is another post for another day: it is a worthy subject that needs its own space. I totally agree.
I would like to know the % of men that has happenec too!! I seriously doubt very many men started porn for that reason. I am a wife of a user and he did NOT start because I was frigid or ever said NO. I am sure many women who are commenting on this site or are reading this would all agree. Up until this past week I would nevr had said no, but now after finding new material and fianlly confronting him after 26 years of marriage and 16 of them celibate (not by my choice) all I want to do is throw up, cry, I dont even want to look at him let alone think of sex!! So yes NOW I woukd say NO. I would love to know a % of porn users truly started because their wives were “frigid”!?!?!
The “she’s frigid, so I had to” story is just immature blame-shifting.
Two people who are committed to their marriage relationship ought to be taking responsibility for their own issues within that relationship. If a wife is struggling sexually, that’s her issue to deal with, in conjunction with her doctor and probably a therapist. The husband, if he is committed to the relationship, will deal with his own issues in healthy ways without blaming his wife for his choices.
I want to encourage you, in your situation, to get help and support as you think about how you can take responsibility for your health and healing in this situation. You might want to go to counseling for yourself, seek out a group, and do some reading on how other women have created healthy boundaries. Let us know how we can help. Blessings, Kay
If a wife has been refusing sex, the answer is to talk to her, pray for her, and seek professional help. Not turn to porn. And certainly not to wait years or even months.
Just like if a husband is refusing emotional intimacy, the wife isn’t justified in having an emotional affair.
It’s insulting to yourself to pretend to be a helpless bystander in your own marriage.
My husband covered up his poem addiction for 23 years. It had all of the horrible effects on our marriage. The lies he told to cover it up were extensive. It eventually developed into him spending money and talking to people in chat rooms and possibly even meeting people in person. He says he isn’t doing it any longer but he still isn’t going to counseling and he has no filters on his devices. He is defensive all the time and I just do not trust him. Until he makes changes I can’t trust him. I am broken and alone. I have been to many counseling sessions and have been advised to leave. We are Christians and in a church where the pastor knows about this issue between us. The topic is rarely brought up there is no support. I want to die.
Kare, I am so, so sorry for the pain you are in.
My main concern for you is that you’re feeling so alone, and so crushed by the situation that you want to die. Please reach out for help FOR YOU right now.
There are call helplines open 24/7/365: 1 (800) 273-8255
You can also text a helpline: TEXT “GO” TO 741-741
If you feel that a counselor you’ve talked to before is a good, helpful fit for you, get back in touch with that counselor right now.
I think you are wise to be cautious about your husband’s story at this point, but whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be healthy for YOU. You don’t have to be a victim of his choices. You can choose healthy boundaries and recovery for YOU.
I hope you will do that today.
Peace to you, Kay
There are no scientific evidences and it is a social cliche/ affirmation to say men need more sex/ sexual freedom than women. Or women are more spiritual and should keep to be moral, men are more stupid being and need no moral — Sex drive come from brain +heart, not from hormone condition / aging / sex — A wise person never talks about sex differences and treats men/ women alike. Men/ women point fingers to their partner to seek an excuse for their cheating. It’s the typical character/ behavior of addiction
Quote: It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe/ situation, that lures him to evil ways
I’m certainly not condoning the use of pornography or excusing it in any way. However, the discussions so far have overlooked one very important factor.–the wife who has broken off all forms of intimacy with her husband. She took a vow as well as he did, and when that happened, they were BOTH saying “I will be the one who will satisfy you in every way.” Too often, however, that “every way” somehow eventually excludes sexual intimacy. The man really loves his wife, and would NEVER have a physical affair, but his needs are too strong to ignore. SHE ignores them, but HE cannot. I see the women complaining that their husbands no longer engage in sexual intimacy with them because they are involved in pornography–I just thought it important to look at the situation from the other side: the man whose wife has already frozen him out BEFORE he turned to pornography.
Great point, Paul. It feels like a vicious circle: He gives into porn, she feels hurt, she withholds sex or finds herself emotionally stunted and unable to be aroused, he feels the strain of the relationship, he returns to porn to relieve his tension and anxiety, and the process starts all over again.
I think there are a number of issues here.
First, each person should account for their own sins. To stop striving for marital intimacy is sinful, unless someone has been abandoned by their spouse. Both men and women need to be active in removing whatever barriers exist for intimacy. Let each person account for his or her sins alone.
Second, a woman who has been scarred by her husband’s virtual infidelity needs the grace of his patience. If he found out that his wife had just committed adultery, he probably wouldn’t be “in the mood” either. The golden rule is central here: how would he want to be treated if the situation was reversed? He should extend that same grace to his wife.
Third, women should be careful to distinguish between withholding sex as an act of vengeance and deliberate separation in order to repair shattered trust and shattered emotions. The two can look very similar, but one is longing for a renewed sense of trust and intimacy while the other is malicious. Vengeance is never the answer. However, there is something to be said for a period of sexual separation so both husband and wife can be devoted to prayer and realigning their hearts with truth (1 Corinthians 7:5).
Often men can get very frustrated with their wives when days or weeks have gone by without sex. I think of the Song of Solomon where the lover comes to his wife’s door in the early morning hours looking to lay down with her, and she turns him away with an excuse. He responds in love, coating the nob of the door with liquid myrrh, what was then a romantic gesture (Song 4:4-5). This is what prompts her heart to long for him again. Yes, a woman can sin against her husband in odious ways, and yes, she will be held accountable for these sins. But men must also learn to be the initiators of romance.
I totally agree that we are to both do our part in our marriage. The Bible states that. Men would like you to believe they turned to pornography because of what their wife did or did not do for them in their marriage.
Look at my story. When we first got married I would have liked sex daily, my husband only wanted it a couple of times a week. After a year he was down to once a week and the rest of the time he rejected my desires. I got over it and once a week became good enough. It was years later that I found out he had been hiding a porn addiction all that time. He wasn’t interested in me, though he claimed he loved me and I satisfied him sexually. He was a porn addict.
And.. there is no such thing as a casual porn watcher, like a casual drinker. If you are using porn, you are cheating on your wife. PERIOD.
Have you ever thought of things from the wife’s perspective? Think about how hard it is for me to be sexually intimate with a man she knows is thinking of other women to satisfy him.
What came first, the husband’s porn or the frigid wife debate? In my case, the porn came first. For 25 yrs, my husband & I took turns being the initiator for sex & the other never said no. And then one day….WHAM! What happened? I had to get a home computer for my work & with that came curiosity on my husband’s part I guess. Well, suddenly I was the only one initiating & he began refusing more & more. Since we were getting older, I figured his testosterone level was dropping. Stupid me! And then, one night I caught him in the act of self-pleasuring to a naked, very young lady on the computer screen. At first, I laughed it off. But as our intimacy together continued to plunge & cease entirely, it became much more serious to me. Not only was my husband not interested in being with me, due to so many available, much younger screen ladies, but he also had porn ED at its finest. He couldn’t do it with me to save his soul. To make a long story short, this battle went on for 5 years. He stopped 2 yrs ago. The ED has gotten better, but he still can’t function about half the time now. Before he quit porn he couldn’t function with me at all. Viagra, Cialis, etc didn’t work because it is not a penis problem; it is a brain problem. He conditioned & changed his brain into thinking that an internet screen meant sex, instead of his wife. So, there we are. What came first the husband’s porn or the frigid wife? Well, I was never a frigid wife, so the porn came first. I missed my husband terribly. I still do. I miss the man he used to be before he turned himself into an impotent, virtual porn unit.
It breaks my heart and makes me just crazy that good marriages get thrashed by the fake pleasure of porn. I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve suffered. It sounds like your husband has taken some steps toward better health, but you’re still in a lot of pain. I’m wondering if you’ve ever had support for yourself, either in a group or in therapy? Or if you’ve had the opportunity to talk this through with your husband at all? I like to recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to look for a counselor locally.
I think marriages can definitely be repaired after a porn habit. It’s work, but it can definitely be done. If he’s porn-free at this point, that’s huge, and I think your marriage could definitely be on the road to healing, if that’s what you’d like to see happen. I wonder if you saw this article a few weeks back? I’ve been trying to write some more blogs for women who are in long-term recovery with their husbands. That article includes a link to a previous article on that topic as well. I’m trying to facilitate some conversation about how to get into real healing, once you’re past the crisis. You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn.
Let me know what you think of those resources. Blessings, Kay
I strongly disagree with this. I give my husband every thing he wants. Yet even if I make it obvious i want sex hell watch porn and then have no interest in sex. I have never broken off sex from my husband.
Perhaps there has been withdrawal of intimacy, but often the guy has been turning to porn and neglecting intimacy with his wife before she pulls back. Porn lies even while it pretends to tell the truth. For those who claim no one gets hurt, this is denial. A lot of people are hurt, including the spouse. God did not provide His ways because He wanted to fence us in. He gave us His ways because He made us and knows us intimately. He knows how we are designed to live because He made us. Following the Designer’s instructions leads to the best – anything else isn’t even second best.
As a struggling wife of a husband who is a frequent user of porn, I have for years tried to convince myself it didn’t matter. It matters. God calls the union between man and woman to be pure and lust after other women has no place in the unity of marriage. After confronting, pleading, supporting, and encouraging my husband to seek help as a Christian man, he still has not done so. He insists he can break this habbit through prayer on his own. I disagree. He doesn’t want to tell anyone else or have an accountability partner nor will he seek counseling. I have moved out to separate myself from the situation until he decides what is important in his life. Me or ideas of other women in his mind. I finally have accepted the truth that his issue has nothing to do with me, personally. It existed before we met and I just didn’t know about it until after we were married. I love him and only want him to be well and whole with God.
I thought I could beat the habit on my own and tried for 18 years. I finally realized that I could not do it myself. It took a while, but I found a group.
Sadly there are still too few groups out there to deal specifically with sexual addiction. I travel over an hour to attend. However, there are other resources and support that can be found.
Also, for a Christian man caught up in the web of lust and pornography, shame is a great factor, and the feeling that I should be able to “just do a little more” in my own spiritual life to “beat this thing”
It is amazing how deep the shame runs in Christian communities. It is perhaps one of the reasons why pornography sinks its hook so deep.
My husband has been addicted to porn for the past 6 months. We haven’t even reached our two year mark, we have a couple months. We just had a child together as well. Porn has taken over his life and I have told him calmly how this affects me and how it affects us and he said it is not something he can stop doing. He also said he is not addicted. but watches it 24/7. So I am afraid to give an ultimatum and give us a break. I’m afraid he won’t stop and that he will begin hiding and lying to me about it. I am proud of you for standing your ground. I am learning to stand on my ground but so scared to. I feel lost and not sure what to do other than to turn to God and keep praying. I know that when men go down this path they become extremely desensitized and end up with porn induced ED which he has now but is in disbelief. I know it is not me, but this is not what I want in a marriage either. I chose him because he didn’t watch porn or go to strip clubs. I want to stop being intimate with him, because it seems to be only me and he can’t stay hard. I am pulling away, this is not the marriage I signed up for. I will fight because I don’t believe in divorce, but fighting this battle is beginning to take it’s toll on me.
Wow, we could be married to the same man, except that I haven’t moved out. I wish I had your strength to do that.
“Just get over it” is what I used to say when I was in my addiction and in denial of my problem.
Maybe there are women out there who enjoy pornography, but from my vast research, these same women are just as broken as the men who become addicted to porn.
Whether or not you believe in the addiction, the facts remain that just watching porn releases powerful chemicals in the brain, rewiring the brain. A person with addictive tendencies will become addicted quicker than one that does not. Over time, the intense pornography will warp the arousal template and yes, men will begin to fantizise about other women while being sexually “unintimate” with their wives.
The bottom line, pornography is about intensity, not intimacy. Building real intimacy is based on being truthful and working on the spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy before any physical intimacy.
Exactly. I sometimes think talk of “addiction” might actually distract people from the overarching issues. What if I asked, “Is it okay for me to emotionally abuse my wife every now and then? As long as I’m not addicted to it, is there a problem with that?” That’s a silly question. Of course it’s wrong. By making “addiction” the criteria for whether porn use is right or wrong, we miss the fact that any use of porn robs something from us and our spouse.
Luke,
Thanks for your blog and this post in particular. I have to completely disagree with the comment that the other man posted and have to mourn to be honest with the comments that were made. I speak from experience in saying that pornography and lust erode every part of a man’s soul and men are simply fooling themselves or denying the truth to think that they can dabble in it and expect to not get burned. I have been struggling with lust, masturbation, and pornography since I was 12 years old and I’m now 31. Lust has cropped up into my life in different ways since then and was taking over my life. It wasn’t just pornography. It is the looks at other women in the office, watching R rated movies, looking at commercials on TV, the woman jogging on the side of the street, even Victoria’s Secret websites and commercials. The problem is that we as men are approaching sexual purity from a legalistic point of view, by saying that if I don’t look at porn I’m honoring God and my wife. It’s simply not so. God expects us to have “not a hint of sexual immorality” and that is a totally radical idea compared to the idea of our culture. We are also told to love our wives as Christ loved the church. I’m pretty sure that means a radical devotion to serving our wives and cherishing our wives, which leaves absolutely zero room for anything close to a hint of sexual immorality. It is possible to do this but we have to pursue holiness that comes in Christ and seek to live a life worthy of him. God has blessed me so much in this since I went to an Everyman’s Battle workshop this past July. Freedom can be found and it’s completely freedom, not just from looking at porn. As men of God, God expects us to be holy as he is holy and to treat our bodies as temples. I failed in this for 18 years of my life and am now a witness to God’s transforming power. I hope any man who reads this wakes up to the reality that looking at porn and masturbating is a dangerous as jumping into fire. It will lead and progress into greater sin and can lead into adultery and total destruction. You’re a fool if you think you can handle it. Wake up!
Right on, Jon. I agree with him as far as addiction goes: not every man gets hooked as deeply as some do. But as for the overall thrust of his comment, I disagree entirely. Women loved to be cherished by their husbands.
I agree
Thank you. Thank you for saying this. As a woman it gets harder and harder to believe that a man can be faithful. It almost seems like as women we have to tell ourselves that all men cheat in some way and we have to accept it. But I don’t want to believe that. So thank you for saying what you said.
should we continue in sin, so that grace may abound?!?
Exactly! !!
This is exactly what my husband and I are going through. He was 12 when he was first introduced to it and is now 31. This isn’t the first time I found out. It’s actually the 3rd and LAST time. I have forgiven and forgotten but this time we are both being proactive, meaning going to therapy, have accountability partners for him as well as a support system for when I feel strong emotions. I pray He and you, along with all others struggling with this addiction, can be fully healed and restored. Grace & peace ✝️
I actually think both of you are misunderstanding women. A wife wants to be cherished by her husband, to think that they are the most precious person in their life. That’s just the nature of women. When they hear of their husbands looking at other women, indulging in porn, etc. it’s very difficult for them to wrap their mind around the idea that thishas nothing to do with their husbands feelings for them. They just can’t accept it. It would take a lot of support from other women going through the same thing, and much time and patience before they can fully accept this. It would seem naive to think that even religious women harboring their resentment over this because of religious ideals. Religion is a small part of this. It’s about themselves as women and wives. Perhaps some of the female commenters can weigh in on this understanding.
Hey Steve, I was merely replying on behalf of the Christian females who had left so many comments, mostly of a spiritual nature. That was the reason for the wording of my reply. I agree, however, with everything you said.
I do understand that a man watching porn has nothing to do with how he feels about his wife. However, you don’t even have to be addicted before porn begins to erode a man’s views of his wife & the way he sees her body. My husband is 60 yrs old as am I, & you’re not telling me that he enjoys looking at my 60 yr old body as much as he ever did, after watching 18 to 20 yr old porn stars. I don’t believe it. If you only have your wife, you don’t compare.
Absolutely. Women just want to be loved and cherished.
I think this leads to trouble in fact it did for me with my husband having sex with women on his phone and getting caught and still lying and denying it.
The maximum effective range of an excuse is zero. Denying it will not make the wound go away. This isn’t about “religion,” but about treating your spouse well and righteously. Using porn is selfish and self centered, focusing on one’s sense of self entitlement. God designed us and provided His instruction because He knows what will hurt and break us. Porn hurts and breaks us. Lust hurts and breaks us. Saying no one gets hurt is simply denial. I don’t believe the women need to get over it. It is time for the porn users to get over it and stop. Drinking poison a little at a time will still eventually kill you. As a recovering porn addict, I had to pull my head out of my backside (kudos to my proctologist) and start growing up. Hard process? Yes. Fully healed? No, but working on it. It is a journey. Steve, I hope you will join me on this journey.
Another thought occurs to me. Even if you do not believe in God. Even if you are not a Christian. Even if you avoid “religion.” Even if a lot of other even ifs. This porn thing hurts her. (And it can hurt him too, if the tables are reversed). Do you really need another reason? If you say you love her, do you really need more?