At first glance, the question, “Can you masturbate without lusting?” might sound like an odd question. Same with the question, “Is masturbation without porn a sin?”
For those who feel no guilt or shame about the matter, the question sounds ridiculous. For those who are utterly opposed to all masturbation, regardless of the internal dynamics that drive it, the question sounds irrelevant.
But for those whom lust is their primary concern when it comes to masturbation, the question is of immense importance.
Is it always sinful to masturbate?
Christians disagree on whether the Bible forbids masturbation or not. Some Christians point to Genesis 38:9-10, where Onan sins by “spilling his seed” (i.e. masturbating), to avoid conceiving a child as God commanded. It’s reasonable to conclude from this that God disproves of masturbation, at least in some circumstances. However, this passage alone does not give enough detail to conclude that masturbation itself is always wrong or why.
Why is masturbation sinful?
Jesus said that the things that come from the heart defile a person (Matthew 15:19). So the more important question is this: what is the heart of the matter when it comes to masturbation? What is it about our hearts when we masturbate that does—or doesn’t—make it wrong?
Many Christians have looked to Matthew 5:28 to answer this question. Jesus says, “I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” In other words, sexual sin begins with attitudes of the heart, not merely our outward actions. If a person can commit adultery in their thoughts without the physical act, then it follows that the real sin of masturbation is something deeper than the physical act.
So is it sinful to masturbate without porn?
The Bible is clear that watching pornography is a sin. But many wonder whether it’s still sinful to masturbate if you don’t use porn. Some still struggle with masturbation long after they leave porn behind. But is it really sinful if you’re not looking lustfully at pornography?
It’s important to remember that Jesus’s teaching about lust goes beyond explicit porn. “Adultery in the heart” could be any kind of sexual impurity. See Sexual Purity: What Scripture Teaches About God’s Plan for Sex. So then, just because you aren’t watching porn doesn’t mean that you aren’t lusting when you masturbate.
What the Bible makes clear about masturbation.
Though we haven’t answered the specific question yet (is masturbation itself sinful), we can already see some clear biblical teaching. Scripture teaches at least some masturbation is wrong. Romans 14:23 adds that anything that isn’t of faith is sin. That means that even if masturbation itself isn’t sinful, it’s sinful to masturbate if you believe it’s wrong and do it anyway.
Furthermore, the Bible teaches that when God saves us from our sin, he transforms and changes our hearts and behaviors—including our sexual habits like masturbation (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Followers of Jesus should seek to submit themselves to his commands and obey him whatever the cost. That means we should be willing to give up masturbation if we feel convicted.
3 Types of People and How They Masturbate
In his book Sex, Men, and God, Doug Weiss says there are three types of men in the world (and, I assume, this goes for women, too):
1. Men who have never masturbated (Type A) – Weiss believes this group of men is the smallest camp of men in the Western world. After years of speaking at men’s conferences, he’s only met 14 men who claim to have never masturbated. In other cultures, Weiss adds, masturbation simply isn’t a cultural norm and is relatively uncommon.
2. Men who do not fantasize or lust during masturbation (Type B) – This type of person stays “connected” to himself during masturbation—they don’t escape into fantasy. For this person, the act is merely performing a bodily function. As such, there is little emotion attached to the experience, and typically no sense of guilt or shame.
3. Men who lust during masturbation (Type C) – These men are “disconnected” during the act of masturbation; their focus is on a mental image, an actual image, or an object.
Why does it matter if there are different types of masturbation?
In his book, Weiss asks what happens when a Type B masturbator grows up and becomes a pastor, Christian counselor, or Bible teacher. If he universalizes his own experience, this man is likely to think there is nothing wrong with masturbation at all. If Type C men listen to a teacher like this, they either become very confused, or they are encouraged to believe that their lifestyle of fantasy-filled masturbation is okay.
Similarly, if a Type C masturbator becomes a spiritual leader, he will be likely to say that all masturbation is sinful. Type B people are likely to hear this and either get defensive or start feeling a sense of false guilt and shame.
So, is some masturbation OK?
In one sense, because Type B masturbation involves no lust, it would be easy to assume it involves no sin. This is true. But there is another critical question to ask.
What habits are you creating by repeated Type B masturbation? Many feel that the urge to masturbate is out of control. Are you becoming mastered by this habit (see 1 Corinthians 6:12)? If so, you might be reinforcing a false belief that your body is simply your own. Your body is for the Lord (6:13)—and your wife if you are married. “You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (6:19b-20).
More Questions About Masturbation, Lust, and Sin
Can you change how you masturbate?
Weiss says, in his 20+ years of professional experience counseling men around issues of sexual sin, Type C masturbators rarely ever become Type B masturbators. He welcomes men to attempt the change, but warns, “Be careful not to deceive yourself.”
Can you masturbate without sinning if you are married?
Weiss also reminds married men that when they take a vow of marriage, their sexuality becomes intimately tied to another person. He reminds men of the solemn command of 1 Corinthians 7:4, “The husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” Regardless of your motive for masturbation, your wife has authority over your sexuality. “God is the first, your wife is the second and you are the third owner of your penis,” writes Weiss.
For Weiss, the issue of married men masturbating is about honesty. Does your wife know you do it and does she approve? He writes, “If you can’t be honest with your wife about your total sexual expression, then you probably need to evaluate the reason for your ongoing lies to your wife.” If you don’t talk to your wife about it, why? Are you still holding on to the belief that your sexuality is “me-sex” vs. “we-sex”?
What if your wife is the one you fantasize about?
Even if after full disclosure to your wife, she approves of you masturbating, is it wrong to “lust” after images of your wife?
Here Weiss offers some sage advice: Does the woman of your fantasies match the woman you are married to? Do you change aspects of your fantasy wife that don’t match who your real wife is? Does she act sexually different in your fantasies? Does she look different?
If so, you are reinforcing a chemical process in your brain to be turned on by your fantasy wife, and this will only frustrate you when your real wife doesn’t measure up.
I would add to this: Masturbating to fantasies of your wife, while preferable to other images, also trains your body and mind to be more me-centered in your sexuality. Even if your wife approves of your behavior, you should ask whether this activity really helps to move you more towards the image of Christ, who emptied himself and sacrificed all for the love of His bride, the church.
We could talk about exceptions to the norm, of course—prolonged illness or geographical distance between couples. But we also shouldn’t let the conversation about so-called “exceptions” (even if we think they are legitimate) make us overlook the biblical principles that should inform our attitudes.
Ideally, fantasizing about your wife—a good thing—should be something that propels you towards intimacy with her, to where sex can be a consummation of love and self-giving.
What do you think? Can you masturbate without lusting? If so, does it matter?
Protestantism goes hand in hand (no pun intended) with Relativism. Did you know that around 100 years ago that Roman Catholicism and every major Christian denomination considered contraception a sin. Today, Catholicism is the only one that has not budged on this issue. Even John Belushi of Saturday Night Live knew masturbation is a disordered act when he did the “Buzz Buzz” skit back in the 70’s. You don’t see them doing skits on prayer and penance. True Christianity that Jesus taught was to deny yourself. He showed this by fasting for 40 days. I am amazed that people who call themselves Christian have been so immersed in this oversexed culture that think that their balls will fall off if they don’t stimulate them. If you still don’t get it let me state clearly that Masturbation is a very selfish act of pleasure seeking. It is using the faculties of sexual reproduction outside of the context of sexual reproduction. Another example of this is gluttony where a person eats not for sustenance but for pleasure. “Deny yourself and pick up your cross.” Jesus goes even further and states that we will be judged for every idle word i.e. every word that does not benefit someone else. How is your self pleasuring benefiting anyone. BTW the word masturbation is derived form the word “slavery”. Get a grip (no pun intended) and find out what pleases God not yourself. The next time you choke your chicken and you get that nagging guilty feeling that is your conscience. My mother was not a church goer and she even knew this was wrong and she sure let me know it. Shame Shame Shame!
You’ve stated a lot here that doesn’t have to do with the subject of this post, so I’m not sure how much I should reply to. I’ll be purposefully selective so we can stay on topic.
1. I don’t at all disagree with you that masturbation is rooted in a desire for self-pleasure, but I also don’t believe that the self-denial promoted in the New Testament is a rejection of all pleasure. I could say a lot more about this, but I don’t want to misunderstand where you are coming from on this. Are you saying that to eat with the motive “I like the taste of this food” is wrong? Is is sinful to walk outside with the intention of “I like the look of sunsets”? Is is sinful to buy a mattress with the thought, “This one feels softer than the other one”? All of these are choices made primarily for the purpose of physical pleasure. Are those sinful motives?
2. To be clear, I believe a habit of masturbation is a real problem, something that can easily train men to seek out solo-sex as the primary purpose of their sexuality, and this is against God’s design. I’m just not prepared to say that all Type B masturbation is sinful is because even children as young as 5 are known to masturbate, but not connected to any lustful actions, nor even with a fantasy experience that is connected to sexual desire. Since the Bible doesn’t categorically come out against such actions, I don’t think its wise to attach the label sin to something God didn’t.
Why dont you get your own blog. You lost me completely with ypur “What the Hell” acronym. Work on your own piety before trying to hijack someone elses ministry.
Your comment on contraception is categorically untrue. Several Presbyterian denominations have been steadfast in their denouncing of contraception.
Gosh. Isn’t eating chocolate cake for most a form of pleasure seeking. And how about gluttony? No Christians ever talk about that?
If you are watching and participating in a workout video and the instructor is opposite sex and during the workout you “slightly, unconsciously” feel passing thoughts of lust towards her and AFTER the workout you perform type B masturbation what are your thoughts on this? Are you going to send me an email to answer me please? thanks
I can reply to you right here, Nicolas.
In short, I think there can be problems with both Type B and Type C masturbation, but for slightly different reasons. Type C masturbation is, of course, intimately tied to lust and is therefore sinful. Type B masturbation, however, can be something that even young children do (of course, without ejaculation), which isn’t in and of itself sinful, though it can lead to patterns of behavior that are. Type B masturbation becomes a problem when it is a clear replacement for either healthy sexuality or even spiritual devotion.
More to your example, I would say that first the person really needs to examine their heart when it comes to motives. Maybe Type C people, in an effort to justify themselves, will claim they are engaging in Type B masturbation just because they keep their mind free of images of specific people, but if they are honest, they will say that they masturbation in direct response to lust throughout the day. Their mind is still engaged in fantasy of some sort, perhaps thinking about the act of sex, and this is not Type B. This is Type C.
Second, if a person shared this scenario with me, I would tell them to fight their lust tooth and nail and consider that possibly the masturbation is a byproduct of that unmortified lust.
Well, first and foremost without getting into too much detail the very presentation of Weiss’ book as though it was respectable Christian literature.
So is the quote you mentioned from Weiss’ book?
AMEN BROTHER!
“Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” Your line of thinking is the same that argues that faith can exist outside of action, i.e. “works” (BTW works means works of the Law – mosaic law). In the same way gluttony is a disordered act regardless of what you are thinking. My boss takes this argument further when he gawks at women and states “it’s not a sin if you don’t lust after them” WTH is he doing then? What he is really saying is that because he doesn’t fantasize sexual acts he is not lusting. And somehow Catholics are legalistic? WOW WOW WOW!!!!
I’m not quite following you. What part of this are you critiquing, since there are a variety of viewed presented here?
What are you talking about?
The First Things blog had a great article on masturbation by CS Lewis.
I used to by into the “need” to masturbate. I found that I used the “need” as an excuse to indulge in a very self-centered act, whether to fantasy or not. The idea that a man has to masturbate is a myth. If you have been masturbating a lot, then you will have chemical, emotional, and physical withdrawal which will make it feel like you “need” to do it. I myself have gone over six months without masturbating or sex and I know guys who are over 2 & 3 years. It is possible with knowledge and a support network of guys to talk to.
I would also say that masturbating to deal with stress and anxiety is a bad idea. That is what alcoholics do with drinking, they deaden their emotions. It is a dangerous and slippery slope that I have been way down. It is better to develop good coping skills and a good community to help you deal with the stress and anxiety and a godly way.
Thank you! This is the hardest addiction I have ever had to break. I have endulged in meth, Marijuana, alcohol, pills, cigarettes, etc and I could be the first to tell you, this is the hardest addiction I have ever had to try to break. Glory to God, there is always a way out. Thank you brother.
Interesting. No clear cut Biblical answer. Sin ? Depends primarily on situation. Absolutely no sexual outlet available ? Deep inside your heart what do you think ? Going to hell ? I would ”guess” (probably not good idea to guess, but) no. Repent. Make progress towards “adjusting” lifestyle. We are not Jesus. We sin. Again ….. It’s a situational question. I won’t even go into the triad of human biology …. Food, sleep, and yes, sex.
Thank you for sharing this comment. Ive been waiting for a comment like this, and it really encouraged me. Keep up the good work and God bless.
Masterbation may not be choice as is it is for Women. Women masterbate stress related reasons, but not really for physical. Prostate disease or prostate related problems will need men to possibly masturbate more frequently. Masterbation is not a sin, lust is. Images, stories such as in Literotica may not be sin by itself, but the lust is. It is the trigger to sin not necessarily the medium. Some women masturbate after reading a sexy novel, or watching the Bachelor. Prime time tv or books are not porn, but lust is being triggered in some. My point is that it is the lust. Lust can be triggered by anything, your spouses brother or sister, co worker. Imaginary person or storyline. Etc.
For those men who have wives that are tired etc, try masturbating with them naked or half naked and get close and touch etc. They can be part of it without really doing the “work”. Also, like Literotica…,write your own story starring your wife. I’m sure one should be careful on what is written, but start with past experiences.
Try filming modelling show, starring guess who. You would be surprised how many sexy outfits she will want to try on.
Encourage her to do selfies. They all like doing them anyway.
In the end you will have a great collection far greater than any porn or Literotica collection and you will masterbating without sin.
Jeff,
So basically your making a porn collection of your wife. That’s the dumbest unproductive thing I’ve ever heard of. How do o know? I’ve tried it when first coping to my addiction. “that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5
So where is the self control in your thought process and actions? When overcoming lust and an addiction to pornography, you don’t substitute your pornography with pornography of your spouse. That’s like using smokeless Tobacco to quit smoking. The problem is not the tobacco, it’s the nicotine. Same with porn. Porns not the issue. Lust is. Porn, no matter what form, is the outlet. Christ was clear in his teaching in Matthew 5:27-28. He said “if ANYONE looks at A WOMEN lustfully, he has committed adultery in his heart.” He didn’t say if a MARRIED man looks at ANOTHER WOMEN other than his wife. Luke hit the nail on the head when he said your lusting after the fantasy wife you’ve created not your real wife.
Novels are pornography according to the bible. Greek word porniagraphos means pornia is prostitute and graphos is to write. The Greek word in the bible literally means to write about prostitutes. They had no tv’s and cameras in those times so pornography is so much more than what the modern church teaches today.
No doubt. The first items labeled “pornography” in the English language were not just photos but writings as well.
the biggest problem with the first reply is that you did nkt define what exactely lust is.
I have lusted and masturbated for many years now seeing the movies where they show actress body generously and have fallen prey to this bad habit. I believe in God and any suggestion would be more than welcomed. Thanks
What if you masturbate without lust , you just do it for biological concerns, like what they said masturbation can help us physically healthy, and sometimes escape from anxiety and stress? In other words it is occasional, it is seldom. Just to free yourself from so much stress.
Is it a sin? Yes or No?
Doug Weiss would say that there are men who masturbation in a fashion that doesn’t have any fantasy at all. It feels to them like a biological process. They aren’t detached in their minds, let it wander to lustful imaginations. They are focused only on the physical sensation. Since this isn’t lust, it should not be labeled as a lustful sin.
However, there are other factors to consider as well. If you are married, you do not own your sexuality. Your wife does. As such, if she isn’t privy to and supportive of you masturbating, then it should be off limits. If you are single, you should also consider how masturbation (the non-lustful variety) might impact your future sex life.
You should also beware of self-deception. I know many men who tried to masturbate without lusting, finding it impossible to do because of years of lustful associations with masturbation. They might start in a non-lustful state of mind, but they always have to lust in order to climax.
Finally, be aware that there are other physical and mental methods of relieving stress and tension in the body. There are healthy habits that can enrich your life and tap into the same neurochemical pathways that masturbation does.
I don’t think it is because it is a natural bodily discharge such as the need to go to the comfort room. When the Church tells us that it is a sin, I understand it is because it does not differentiate between type b and type b. For the Church masturbation involves necessarily lust . Please tell me if I am wrong.
I masturbate with sex toys and think of my recently deceased husband. I do NOT think there is anything wrong with what I do. God made us sexual beings for a reason. On more than one occasion I have thanked God for making every part of me while I am pleasuring myself. I wish my husband had not died and was still here for us to ‘be one flesh’ in sexual union, but since he is not and I still have the needs/wants, I choose to masturbate rather than have sex with another man.
You may want to read our advice to a widower in a similar situation.
Funny, you think simply masturbating about others including your husband means its fine? Just because you don’t have sex with any other person means its fine to masturbate to others? You know best whether you had masturbated to others or not. If anything, you just deceived yourself that your not in the wrong by simply saying that you thanked God for making your sexual organs and feelings.You yourself know its because you couldn’t control your lust and even got overwhelmed by it. You say you thank God, if God said that masturbation was a sin.
I like to see you say those empty words of yours again. Theres nothing wrong with feeling lust, its what you do with those feelings of lust :) Would you continue to go and fantasize about other man I wonder? Like you said, these bodies of ours were created by God we had never any right to use it for our own personal pleasures and satisfactions.
My wife suggests I masterbate because she does not like sex. Do I sin if I masterbate? I would like to start, I feel I am a B masterbater.
Hi David, I think you’ve got a different problem–as a counselor, I’d say the real problem to understand is why your wife doesn’t like sex. Our sexuality is such an important part of ourselves. When I hear someone say they don’t like sex, that to me sounds like “I don’t like eating”–our physical appetites are part of God’s good gifts to us. So, if she’s dealing with some kind of sexual dysfunction, that would be helpful to know. Another possibility is that you guys haven’t figured out how to make sex good for her, which could be an educational issue for you both. Another possibility is that the emotional bond in your marriage is not strong, so your wife prefers not to express a sexual closeness that’s incongruent to the emotional reality. Another possibility is fallout from purity/shame culture around sex, where women are taught that they aren’t supposed to be sexual, then there’s a magical switch that’s supposed to flip after marriage so it’s all good. There are lots of reasons she might not be enjoying sex. You masturbating is not going to solve that problem! It might make you feel better, but it’s not going to do anything for her. And a good marriage is about meeting the needs of BOTH partners, in every area, including sexuality.
So, I’d say this: find a counselor who has some experience in helping couples and individuals with their sexuality. Try to figure out what’s really going on, and solve the real problem.
Best to you both, Kay
I will say what I have to say as clearly and as delicately as I can.. For one lets reflect on a few scriptures. 13Therefore let us stop judging one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way. 14 I am convinced and fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. 15 If your brother is distressed by what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother, for whom Christ died.…
…21 It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything to cause your brother to stumble. 22 Keep your belief about such matters between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But the one who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that is not from faith is sin.…
This reference can also be regarded in the terms of masturbation, some believe this act as to be immoral because of the pleasure involved. Some see it as a release from the sexual tension of the sexual gift given and as a responsible release that is within the boundaries of Gods will.
4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. 5 One man regards a certain day above the others, while someone else considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.
This is not rationalizing nor compromising my convictions I would stand trial for my beliefs on this matter but I will keep my stance as sacred between myself God and for my future wife.
James 1:5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.…
This is a doctrine we are not to debate doctrine. and you have no need someone teach you for you have an unction from the holy one.
Titus 3:8 This saying is trustworthy. And I want you to emphasize these things, so that those who have believed God will take care to devote themselves to good deeds. These things are excellent and profitable for the people. 9 But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, arguments, and quarrels about the Law, because these things are pointless and worthless. 10 Reject a divisive man after a first and second admonition,… (arguments being the key subject word in this discussion.
Remember also that nothing in itself is sin that includes pleasure the pleasure condemned in scripture are sinful pleasure such as causing conflict, pride, self seeking sinful lusting, greed which is a form of idolatry. Be convinced through your own personal relationship with God pray for the peace of God and for wisdom from God in this and every area if you struggle to give up something then pray for wisdom and believe that you have what you ask for it is of a promise God will not find fault in your asking… and seek counsel through other like minded believers. God bless you all and my God keep you unblameable before Him in Love.
You’re not alone. I hate that my husband is gone.
I like the unbrainwashed perspective. Sadly most of the scriptures mentioned are taken out of context and twisted. There is no scripture that truly speaks to self pleasure. And if there is one thing I know that God is very specific in his teachings. I don’t believe one should fantasize about others but to simply release the tension should not be a problem. My husband and I know of eachothers doing so and we are both ok with it. We have sex too but sometimes it’s not practical. Like if my husband wants it but doesn’t want to wake me up. The use of porn is bad for many reasons. I think of Noone and nothing when I do.
Hey, so I’ve been struggling with lusting while masturbating. And I realize this post talks a lot about after marriage and stuff, but as a teen I really don’t know what to do to stop as I obviously can’t marry… also is it really a sin? From the way I see it, it is a way to release physically and mentally so that you don’t go and actually do what you fantasize about in real life. Another issue is that the Bible was written long ago, way before society deemed that one should only marry after 18. When the Bible was written it was socially and Biblically acceptable to marry after they hit puberty (13 for men and 12 for women roughly according to the Bible). So back then there was next to no reason for masterbation since the instant you began to lust you were technically already able to marry and fulfill that lustting in a wholesome manner.
Good thoughts, Josiah. You hit on some really good points. There’s actually quite a wide range of thoughts among Christians as to whether masturbation is a sin. Here’s an article you might want to look at. Even Dr. James Dobson, just about the most conservative Christian author I can think of, wrote that masturbation is normal. Thanks for speaking up! Kay
I feel the same it keeps me from having sex with men .i know it’s probably wrong but I don’t watch porn or have lustful thoughts .
I don’t see anything wrong with what you do either. That person judging you appears to think that you are masturbating to other men, when you clearly said that it’s your husband.
The cautions about a “fantasy wife” are well-taken. I believe that masturbating while basically reliving past sexual actual activity that you have had with your wife is fine. In fact, if we overcomel lust and refuse to commit adultery in our hearts, doing this will not lead to the progressive spiral of sin that lust always carries with it.
To Melb go to witministries.com
In the cases of those exception couples where they’re far away, rather than fantasizing about your spouse, you could find alternative ways to engage in intimacy with them, such as phone sex, using a private web chat such as Skype, or sending each-other videos of yourself on an SD card, that you could easily mail in a regular envelope. That way it’s not about the fantasy spouse, dreaming of the one you miss, you are still actually engaging in this special intimacy with that person, though in a different sense. I imagine in the case of prolonged illness one could try something similar to help, if possible.
For the longest time I didn’t know masterbating was not a sin I struggled with it thinking it’s no different from lusting but you shouldn’t put yourself in a that possition if your Type C
what if u divorced and stay alone and have a kid and to old to date or broke, what do u do to get relief
I’ve been dealing with this frustration. My husband wont have sex, insists he likes the way I look, refuses to talk about it, refuses to see a counaelor, refuses to see a dr, and refuses to continue going to a men’s group for pornography addiction. He is also addicted to alcohol and smokeless tobacco. Technically I could divorce him because of the porn, but he says he isn’t doing it anymore. I don’t know how he could not be doing it and also not having sex. I havent had sex in months. I’m going crazy. I used to masturbate but then I thought God says it’s bad. I don’t really know how to fantasize during it. I guess I’d be in the type B class, but I don’t want to do something to hurt my marriage and God, but all I do is resent my husband for my frustration. It’s not my fault he refuses help no matter how supportive I’ve been. I’m at wits end. Counseling for just me doesn’t make it better. I’m tired of his selfishness, addiction, and disrespect. To the point where I don’t know that I can be kind the way God wants anymore. People think I’m a pillar of forgiveness with him and he even said that was the thing he loved most about me. I can’t keep living this way. What is the right thing to do by God?
Well, I think we have a completely unbiblical idea that love and forgiveness mean that we can’t have boundaries, when in fact Jesus TELLS us to “treat him as a pagan” when a person refuses to repent. God doesn’t intend for us to be abused and mistreated in the name of forgiveness. Forgiveness is what we do do release the other person, not control their choices or behaviors. When they continue to make unhealthy choices, we have to allow that person to have the consequences of those choices. When we continue to protect them from those consequences, we end up crazy ourselves. And I truly, truly believe that God’s will for us is freedom and life and life in abundance, not slavery to someone else’s sin.
I recently wrote a book called Debuking the Myths of Forgive-and-Forget which addresses some of the problems we have with forgiveness. You might want to give that a read and let me know what you think.
Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries, and you might also appreciate Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Blessings, Kay
So I have been struggeling with this for a while. I am a new Christian of almost 2 years and God has been doing a number on me to prepare me for my place in his will. And I am greatful for that. Infact I take joy and thank him for it almost every day. I felt compelled to reply to this because I know what struggeling with this is like and I want to know the truth. After seeking wise counsel I was shown the error in my thinking and I want to share it because I dont want people, espically Christians to struggle with this or be confused or be left in the dark following something they believe to be true. As Christians we believe that the bible is the word of God, and should be read non objectively to keep its teachings true. It is very clear in the bible about God’s stance on sexual immortality. Im guessing that we have all heard that somewhere or another otherwise why would we be here. I am no expert by any means but from the research I have done and have been shown by wise people in my life it has been made clear that I was mistaken in believing this post. I know from my own soul searching I was trying to justify my addiction to pleasure by finding articles that agreed with my hope that I could continue to sin bit find a way to think it is ok. And I was very wrong.In Romans 12:1 (NLT) it says “And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give up your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice- the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him” It continues with talking about how we shouldn’t copy the behavior of the world, that we shouldnt think we are better than others, to use our gifts that God has given us and finally it talks about praying for our enemies. So if anyone reading this feels betrayed I encourage you to forgive them just as God has forgiven you and to show love in all things we do.
In Galatians 5:16 (NLT) it says “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves”. It continues that our sinful nature wants to do evil and satisfy out fleshly cravings. And the spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of our sinful nature. In verse 19-23, “When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. There is no law against these things!”.
The next 2 passages are from Ephesians. First is Ephesians 2:3(NLT) “All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to Gods anger, just like everyone else. It continues in verse 4-5, “But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)”
Ephesians 5:3(NLT), “Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people.”
The final passage, I was shared, was Romans 13:12-14(NLT),”The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armor of right living. Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don’t prticipate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in on sexual promiscuity and immotal living, or in quarreling and jealousy. Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires”
One of the biggest pursuits in our walk with Christ is to understand God’s character along with being reflections of Christ. It is pretty clear what the bible says about indulgence of sexually immoral behavior. My point of writing this is that we are one body in Christ and we all desire to go to heaven, but the world will try to fill out our heads with false teachings to cause us to stray. I would like to encourage you to research these scripture yourself and see if God speaks the same truths to you as he did to me. Follow the scripture without compromising it. And b a loving light to all who see you. I pray that any who read this will take it to heart. My final word, know that even tho we may have been mistaken that we serve a God that will forgive us when we come to him with a repentant heart. I encourage you to do so. And the same power that created our universe loves you so much that he had you in mind at the begining of time and he sent his son to die for you and for all of us so that we may have life with him. And that same power that rose Jesus from the grave and created everything is at work in your life. Trust him and he will open the flood gates for you. Pray for wisdom brothers and sisters. I love you all :)
Jon Moriconi. God bless your heart! I was on the verge of masturbating without lust. I am walking with the Lord and constantly asking Him for help whenever I was about to fail. Your wisdom given by God made it clear to not focus on myself but on Him who died and rose again. Your reply saved me from failing again. May God use you more!
So is masturbation while looking at pornography a sin?
Coming from the perspective of a female and one who has masturbated in the past, its lust that draws a person to masturbate. The door/spirit of lust is opened and released when a person masturbates. Although it may seem harmless, the person is drawn because of the lust. I have been celibate for some years, and I masturbated for 5 or 6 years thinking that I hadn’t sinned because I wasn’t having sex with anyone else, but I was grieving the holy spirit and sinning against God in doing this. But I have been free for a year and a half. I prayed and used my authority in the name of Jesus, because it became a stronghold. All of those who are struggling can too be free if they want it bad enough! When we do this and HAVE A MATE, it makes that person feel they are not good enough. Give it to God in prayer, He is the one who can heal, deliver and set free.
I am a 36 year old christian married man who has struggled with a porn addiction since the age of 14. I never even flirted with the idea of cheating. My struggle with my addiction has destroyed our sex life. I will go years without viewing porn, and we will go month without sex. I have always found my wife extremely attractive, and would never dream of turning her down, but all most all ways get turned down myself. I’m usually to afraid of rejection to even try. There Is no way she would ever send me images or have phone sex with me, or anything of the sort. Is it wrong for me to masturbate while fantasizing about past experiences with her?
Hy,
I have a question to.I am a born again unmarried christian.I entered in christianity with my life of masturbation(Been doing IT from childhood – raised in a home with divorced parents).For a time i was to imature,and didin’t realise IT was distroying me.Since i became a christian i suceeded kicking porn,but remained with the masturbation.Kind of tip B.Then came the Day God spoke to me about IT.I took the decision to stop.And i stoped,for over 2 and a half years i didin’t masturbate at all.But the desire to do it is still there.Sometimes i found my hands on my penis in the morning when i wake up,i continue to massage until i feal is close to ejaculate and then i stop.IT is almost like masturbation,and after i fel a great shame and repent,but the desire comes Back almost in every morning.And i am sick of this type of living.How can I gain control even over this?And how can i become mature in this area?
Thank You for your understanding.
The reason type C can’t become type B is social awareness and the previous “victims” of masturbation and we define “victims” how? What can we learn about those that have never masturbated? Well rounded?
This is not I Mastrabated with porn from the age 12 to 18 and I and was able to break the chains to lust and pornography and now I do only physically. I go into a primal like state mind clear only focused on my body and the release of energy.
Hello, I’m fairly recent to christianity and I’m struggling with masturbation, I feel like it’s tormenting me. I’m married and my wife knows and doesn’t mind.. she probably thinks it’s harmless, but she isn’t really a devote Christian (this does sadden me)
I want to stop, I truly do for god. However the feeling to do so is so overpowering to me and I knowingly do it and feel pure guilt immediately after but somehow repeat my actions,I don’t feel like I’m in control sometimes.
I’m for sure type c which I feel even worse about, I would like to get to type b then stop completely! I’ve gone for 3 weeks not doing so then some how been re-triggered again and sinned. It’s getting to a point now where I feel like the Lord is hardening me as I’m forsakened and unforgivable on the day of judgement. I do also sometimes wonder whether it’s the devil trying to temp me. I have a very regrettable past prior to finding the lord with a lot of fornication with lots of women and I try to forgive myself reading that the Lords word and thinking he has always known me and knows my full story from start to finish so perhaps I’m not forsaken..but I feel I have a very long way to go to reconcile and not enough time to do it
Please any advice would be greatly recieved
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, last year I recently found out he would masterbate. I asked ” what is it that you do it too” and he just gave me an I don’t know response.should I be upset?
Hello, Lila – he owes you an honest answer. “I don’t know” isn’t being honest and that would be a basis for being upset.
Corinthians 7:9, “If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (ESV).
Came to this article for Exceptions not that the Bible would be have Updated amendments in them but, to marry is to only cease ones self from the temptations of passion (lust) how I interpret this, if I am deployed and cannot connect with my wife this, also all the communications ways that are mention for no way to reach the outside world from middle of the ocean, would it be acceptable to do so to stop yourself from possibly falling into the trap of adultery, If lust is so powerful scripture advises us to opt out basically and commit to a single person then how am else am I to control myself when away from My spouse