Killing the Dragon: My Struggle With Sexual Sin

The war that I have been waging against my flesh has been going on for around six years now. The story of how that war began and how I came to faith in Jesus Christ is actually the same, so the subjects of sexual sin, pornography, and lust have all been close to my heart throughout my life as a Christian.

I was raised in a Christian home, and for the majority of my childhood, I was kept from the evils of pornography. However, like many thirteen-year-old boys, I was exposed to pornography when an unsecured smartphone came into my possession, and my curiosity got the best of me. For months, I was hooked. At the time, I had no reservations about the foul images I was looking at or the foul deeds that my hands were all too eager to commit in the light of those images.

God Intervened

But then God decided to intervene. In the spring of 2017, I was struck with a sudden panic, a fear of being found out, so I ran into a nearby bathroom and shut the door. There, I fell to the ground, and all of the Bible verses I had learned about sin and salvation through my childhood raced through my head as the Spirit broke my heart, convicting me of sin and righteousness and causing me to be born again. Immediately, under the constraint of my newly emerged conscience and the Spirit that had regenerated me that day, I sought out my father and confessed my sin to him. He was stern but gracious and took the phone from me, throwing it away. The relief I felt was incredible, and to this day, I hold that memory dear to my heart.

I should have known then, however, that when God saves a man, He breaks the chains of that man’s bondage to put a sword in his hand and bid him to fight. That day in 2017 was only the beginning of the war, as I have already indicated. Because of the enthusiasm with which I had thrown myself into sexual sin while I was yet unregenerate, my body had developed some serious patterns of addiction. For the next couple of years, I wrestled mightily with pornography. I was no stranger to the inner workings of computers, so many of the safeguards I would try to set up to keep me from pornography would often fail when I inevitably prodded and poked at them. I would have seasons of strength, but failure always seemed to come in the end. I hated my sin and desired earnestly to be rid of it, but the struggle was intense, and for many months, I almost despaired and resigned myself to the existence of my sin. Nevertheless, God kept me awake and on my feet; every time I fell, He was there to help me get back up.

My Calling

Almost two years ago now, I felt a call to the pastorate at a youth retreat, where I had a chance to meet the synod executive of my church’s presbytery at the time. During our conversation, he encouraged me and said I should seriously consider pursuing ordination. After some thought and prayer, I began to do as he suggested. In the course of this pursuit, I was inevitably struck by the fact that, while I was in Christ and had no need to fear for my salvation, I fell far short of the standards of sexual purity set for elders in the New Testament. Convicted and discouraged though I was, I came to the key realization that what God was requiring of me was
not unrealistic. I knew that I could, in fact, kill the dragon in my heart that is sexual sin. All of a sudden, the war against this dragon was no longer a losing battle in my mind.

Having been thusly convinced that my goal of completely putting off sexual sin was achievable by the grace of God, I set to work. I started a new campaign of prayer and fasting, looked to become more disciplined in my Bible reading, and looked for other ways to prepare myself to better endure temptation. The greatest help I found, however, was incorporating personal accountability into my strategy. Last year, I worked up the courage and confided in a close friend and mentor of mine who had been through seminary and was also aspiring to be an elder, and he agreed to help me break completely free from sexual sin, as he himself had done years before.

Freer Than Ever

This is when Covenant Eyes entered into my life. My friend agreed to be my accountability partner and to oversee my devices. This was a massive step forward for me. Knowing that someone was on the other side of the screen, able to see if I was engaging in undue behavior, was an excellent restraint. As I look back on the last year, I can see plainly that utilizing Covenant Eyes has won me a decisive battle in the war. Now, I am freer than I have ever been in regard to sexual sin.

Every day brings about new challenges and uncertainties, but by the grace of God, I continue to press on. I even have found myself helping other friends who have been struggling in a similar way by installing Covenant Eyes on their devices with my account. Some of the blessings I have experienced as I have fought against my flesh are now overflowing onto others, and I am glad to see the progress being
made in their lives and mine. Now, as I look forward to transferring to Bible college this fall to begin working towards becoming a pastor in earnest, I am confident that I can move forward with a clean conscience and a closer mastery of myself. I am grateful to God for the tools He has equipped me with along the way, and I am ready to face tomorrow’s challenges with joy and thanksgiving.