Dear Hurting Wife,
Healing after I found porn on my husband’s computer, honestly, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Everything you are feeling right now, and everything you felt when you found out, I felt.
My husband George stopped looking at porn, but I still couldn’t trust him. When he left the house alone, I felt like my lungs caved in. Every moment he was gone I imagined the worst scenarios: gorgeous, barely dressed girls walking around; his eyes taking in every detail of their bodies; his heart eating, and me wondering if he’d have more fun with a girl like that—a girl so different from me.
I knew George loved me. He didn’t love the women he looked at. They were in his fantasy land—separate from me. But I wanted to be enough for my husband. I hated that he needed a fantasy world where women looked and did everything he wanted—everything I didn’t do. I wanted to captivate him. I still want this. I want both his eyes and heart. I want to be enough. And I know you want the same.
Please know that I am with you. I have been where you are. I know the pain and anger, all of the tears soaked into your pillow, and the nights you’re too numb to cry. And many other women know what it feels like to be crushed by their husband’s sexual sin, too. We know what it’s like to feel like we’ll never measure up. And we’re not alone. We’re in this together.
Sometimes people tell us to get over it or get used to it. All men look. All men fantasize. As long as they come home to us, that’s all that matters. But this is so far from real love and pure desire, and it’s certainly not romantic.
I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows meant the world to me. When I realized my husband hid his affair with porn, those vows felt like lies. Everything did. It’s heartbreaking to fall in love, be broken to pieces, and then wonder if your love was ever real to begin with.
Sometimes I still wonder if our relationship was real: the love and romance in the beginning, and the wedding vows. Was it all fake? Was he looking at porn the night before we got married? Thoughts like this come and go still, but I don’t dwell on them anymore. I don’t want you to dwell on them either.
Let’s grow together. Let’s surpass these negative thoughts and feelings and let God transform our hearts. My life’s motto is Beauty after Rain. One of the reasons I picked that motto is because my most meaningful times in life, my deepest joys, have come after the most painful circumstances. God carves us, shapes us, and in the process we get cut by the sharpest blades.
George’s lies and lust sliced open wounds that already existed. He went deeper than anyone ever did. I remember crying in bed one night as George slept beside me. The only thing that ran through my head, over and over, was, “He ruined me.”
But porn didn’t ruin me. It didn’t ruin our marriage. I chose to stand up to the lies and say, “My marriage is worth fighting for.”
It’s been a difficult fight—a painful, bloody, but hopeful fight. But if there is one thing I know to be true, it’s that the devil hates marriage. And I wasn’t about to let him have his way.
My hope is that your smile will be genuine and your joy will be complete. I want you to feel what I feel, to know that you can overcome this. Your heart can heal. And you can be content in who God made you to be. You can discover the growth and beauty that comes after the rain.
If I were writing this on paper you would see splotches of smeared ink where my tears have landed. No, that’s not me trying to be poetic. It’s true. I still feel the pain. But listen to me: your heart is precious, and so is mine; through all of this I almost forgot that; but now I know, and I want you to know, too.
YOU are worth fighting for.
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me, or leave an anonymous comment on this post. I’ll answer any questions or talk to anyone about this. When I went through this I didn’t have ANYONE to talk to about it. No one felt my pain. I feel your pain, and I’m here.
Hang in there,
Ashley
Dear Ashley Weis,
Hello, my name is Adi and I just happened to stumble onto your article, “Has porn invaded your Marriage: Letter to a Hurting Wife” on the internet a short while ago.
I sincerely need your help and advice on this issue. You see, yesterday, in the course of conversation i hesitantly admitted to my girlfriend that I had been viewing pornographic material even after we got into a relationship with each other (8 months and counting) – when she openly asked me about it. I had to be honest with her because I couldn’t betray her even more by telling her a lie. What ensued was a flurry of mixed emotions full of anger, distress, sadness and a general loss for words. She couldn’t believe that I had stooped that low and couldn’t understand why I had to resort to such ways.
Ms Weis, in all honesty I openly admit that it was the most shameful yet gravest of mistakes I made at the time. I gave in and succumbed to temptation and in hindsight now I’m as remorseful as I am regretful.
I love my girlfriend immensely and I see her as the most incredible woman whom I wish to marry some day.
After reading your article and several others on the issue I can complete understand the how, what & why that goes through a woman’s mind when they find out such things. I can empathise 100% with what my girlfriend is going through and my heart goes out to her. If only she knew that I’m not ignorant and I can empathise so deeply with her on this problem. I can put myself In her shoes and I acknowledge I am the root cause of this issue here.
I am more than prepared to walk down the long hard road to recovery to salvage my relationship with my most precious girlfriend. I am also very religious so I’ve said my prayers about it and asked Him for a greater guidance & forgiveness and self-control over my actions.
Your words of wisdom on how I can start this healing process would be invaluable and greatly appreciated. Please help me, I need guidance right now.
Yours sincerely
With warm regards,
Adi.
Well, first of all, let me commend you for being honest. I’m also encouraged to hear you say that you’re willing to work on your recovery. Here are some ideas to help you along the way.
1. Educate yourself about what’s going on in your body and brain when you look at porn. Your Brain on Porn is a free download for men on this topic.
2. Educate yourself about the behavioral processes that aid recovery: internet filtering/blocking, accountability, group therapy, individual therapy. Resources that may help: Surfing for God, Pure Desire, Candeo. Celebrate Recovery, SAA, Pure Desire, xxxChurch all have groups you could attend.
3. Commit yourself to the recovery process. Research says it can take up to 5 years for full recovery. Continue to attend your group, your individual therapy, and hold yourself accountable. If your system fails and you relapse, get up, fix your system, and keep going.
4. Allow your girlfriend to have her own experience and emotions about this. Listen, listen, listen. Keep listening.
5. Encourage your girlfriend to find a safe place to process her emotions, such as a group or individual therapy. Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, xxxChurch all have groups for women. I just wrote a short ebook called Porn and Your Boyfriend that she might appreciate as well.
6. Keep telling the truth, and stay committed to your recovery process.
I am blessed to be able to say that I have a husband who, although is enslaved by the addiction of porn, is very repentant and truly hates it. Nonetheless, it hurts me, no matter how many times I remind myself of this truth. When I first found out while dating him, I did not handle it well and it pushed him deeper into hiding it. It’s been two years since we’ve been married, and I just recently stumbled upon more instances, and confronted him about it. It’s such a long, hard road, and I have to pray for strength every day to not make it about me, and to react in a loving manner toward him, because getting angry makes him feel hopeless and he gives up the fight. I’ve done a ton of research on porn addiction, and although it’s been painful, i’ve had to educate myself in order to understand how to be who God wants me to be for him. I’m on his team to defeat this, and we’re in this together, and that’s all he needs to know. I mean, he also needs to know that i am hurt and that it affects me deeply (which he does know), but i cannot dwell on that because that’s not what he needs to hear. I struggle with all the same thoughts I did when i first discovered it years ago, and it’s been years since the last incident. I want to help other wives struggling with the same emotions as I am, because I am in a much better place now than I was through the initial discovery. I still need someone to talk to to work through my own emotions with, yet I feel that with my experience, I have a lot of encouragement to offer.
Thank you for sharing, Sydney. Would you be willing to write a guest post for our blog? It might be an encouragement to others.
I got married roughly 6 years ago and had a porn addiction before I got married. I was never a skirt chaser, and my bride to be knew about the porn, as it was my alternative to sleeping with women when I was single. When we were married my wife “stumbled” on my web history, and noticed porn in it. She asked me about it and was obviously hurt by it. I told her that I would stop, that only lasted a few weeks or so before I started hiding it. I never once wanted to leave my wife for another woman. For me this was for when I really wanted her but she was not willing. I knew now how badly I messed up.
This is not the end of the story, she found out again. I promised, and did it again. and again.
Now I have quit looking at porn. I know it is too late to undo the damage, but how can I help her heal. She is emotionally numb to me in some regards.
She has shifted her perspective, and says things like, “These are the goals I want, and nothing, not even you, are going to keep me from them.”
I understand having goals is a very important aspect of growing as a person in general, but to place your goals above your marriage? I think we are in danger, our marriage is in danger. I know we could last a few more years or so, but I believe we are on the road to disaster and I want to help to fix this.
We have agreed to see a councilor about our marital problems but I want to show her how serous I am about moving forward together, not by ourselves.
Another note, we are both agnostic, not christian or anything else. I do not mind religious advice but know that too much god talk does not push us very well.
Please help me with something I can do to show her I want to fix us!
Hi Michael,
Thanks for writing. Sounds like you are taking some good steps to change, and this is great. The counselor is a great idea, and he or she will help you work through the problems.
I might communicate the following to her if I were you: “I know I messed up by looking at porn. I did you wrong. I lusted after other women when you should be my one standard of beauty. I know you don’t trust me, and I know I’ve caused a breach between us, but I want you to know that I’m willing to fight for this marriage. What I mean is this: Not only am I willing to give us pornography, which I have done, but I want to pursue and cherish you. I understand completely if you aren’t as fond of my as you once were. I understand if you hate me. I probably hate me, too. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust. I committed myself to you until death do we part, and I meant that. I promised to have and hold you, forsaking all others, and I want to live up to that.”
Hello Ashely, Thank you so much for writing this, it helps me know I not alone. I am to hurt to write much at the moment but I have a question that I hope you can help me with. My husband just recently told me that when we first go married he lusted after my 14 year old daughter (not his daughter) I am so heart broken. I’m not sure I want to stay married. And if I don’t want to stay married would it be “okay” to leave. I’m not sure what to do about it. My 14 year old doesn’t live with us anymore but I have an 11 year old who does (not his daughter). Even if he never did this with my 11 I am still not sure if I want to stay with this man. What are your feelings on this? He has had some struggles with pornography too. Thank you for your input.
Hi Jennifer,
Sounds like a scary situation. When your husband mentioned this lusting, how did this information come out? What is the story behind this?
Help me understand where you are coming from. When it comes to having grounds for divorce, what do you turn to for answers? The Bible? A counselor? A church leader?
I don’t know what to do. pregnant withmiracle baby married after six years. and his porn addictions killing my spirit. I have medical issues that make it hard at times to make love. so he’ll look at porn. and it hurts me to my core. i don’t feel good enough for him. and betrayed. he say’s he hate’s hurting me and doesn’t like looking at it but he has no choice. :he stopped looking once when i told him it was me or porn. but then found him secretly looking again. and he said he was just as unhappy as i that he needed it again. i don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t want this issue over us. i love him more than anything but this addiction is killing us. what do i do? i don’t know what to do anymore ;( i don’t want to hurt anymore. i don’t want to leave him because of it but i feel like i have no choice. I’m lost. i have no where to turn
Hold onto hope! We’ve heard from a large number of wives who have been in similar situations, but who endured and actually have stronger marriages now. (You can read four of those stories here.)
You used the term “addiction” to describe his porn use. You may have used it without thinking about the legal definition of the term, but the truth is: porn is addictive. Your partner has been literally rewiring his brain to require more porn. (Read this e-book for more information.)
That means it’s not going to be as easy for him as simply stopping. Like all addictive behaviors, he will crave it, and go through withdrawal symptoms.
With that in mind, here are a few things to do:
1) Get a counselor to help him. When you call around for one, make sure you find one who treats porn use as a problem, not just a normal expression of sexuality.
2) Find someone you both trust to hold him accountable for his online use. This will involve getting Internet Accountability software and finding someone other than you to receive his reports and talk to him about his Internet use. Do not try to do it alone. While you have the right to decide whether or not you also want to receive his reports, you will most likely react in pain when you see that he’s looked at porn (and he will), while someone else will have more emotional distance to address the heart of the matter, like what triggered him to look at those sites.
My husband and I have only been married 3mo and I found out he’s been watching porn and lying to me about it. How do I move past feeling so broken and betrayed? How do I trust him again?
Thanks for your question, Jen. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation right now.
We actually have a free book you can download about this very thing. It’s called Porn and Your Husband. It will help to walk your through this step by step.
I sincerely thank you, Ashley, for writing this letter. I am currently in the middle of regaining my footing after finding out that my husband has fallen into this trap yet again. He is a great man who does love Jesus, but has been captive by this sin since about 12 years old and is struggling to break free. I just found out in July that there has only been about a month that has ever gone by that he has not looked at porn. Since that time, I have found out about 3 times (including just this past weekend) that he has stumbled again. Being a newlywed couple (2 years in January), this has been the hardest road I have ever walked. I am heartbroken again after hearing about what my husband looked at and I had a hard day yesterday, filled with emotions ranging from desolate sadness to anger at the devil’s destruction.
I read this letter at work today, and I am thankful that I did. When you say that it will be a painful, bloody battle, but that at the end I will feel the beauty again, that spoke to my heart. I have the mindset that I will fight, no matter what, for myself and my husband to beat this addiction with the power and strength of Jesus. But I needed to hear these words from another woman who knows the feelings I am surfing through. It prepared me more to know “Ok, this is going to be extremely difficult, and it is going to hurt, and some blood is going to be shed, but God will RESTORE our marriage in the end.”
I am so grateful that Jesus is an ever-present help in our troubles! Thank you for this encouragement! Is your email still available to contact you through?
P.S. I am appalled at the men that are writing on here and being completely ignorant of the reality of the consequences of this sin. I am also surprised that the comments are allowed to stay posted on here for hurting women who really don’t need the salt rubbed in their wounds. I pray that Jesus touches the hearts of everyone who comes into contact with the above letter and gives them the eyes to see the truth.
This is ridiculous. Men are acutely interested in sex and will investigate porn of their liking despite your protests…and this is not a violation of your wedding vows…only your personal moral code. If you believe in a god who shuns sexuality why would our parts fit together so well and create such extacy? By the way Jesus was an anarchist.
1. True: Men (many of them) are interested in porn and will probably look at porn despite what we say. No argument there.
2. If you pledge not to be faithful to your spouse, and she understands that to mean that you will not masturbate to images of other women, this is a violation of your vow to her. Why would it be any other way?
3. You are quite mistaken about what Ashley believes about God: she doesn’t think God shuns sexuality. What about her posts give you that impression?
4. Since Jesus told people to render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, this can hardly be called a position of anarchy.
Porn is terrible.. It hurts me to read how it destroys women.. I pray for each and everyone of you that God would heal your heart’s that you would practice forgiveness and not be ensnared by hate and un-forgiveness..God’s word says whatever is good whatever is noble..think on such things as these.. I am a man..My wife has left me and i have struggled with porn.. All i will say is that its wrong and evil… God is the only one that can deliver us from it… because every man tries to stop in his strength but its futile.. Marriage i have come to realize is like living the bible… Women you can be Christ to your husband or give up (But think if you do decide to give up..If Jesus Christ had given up on you where would you be..if the women who was caught in adultery and brought to Jesus to be stone..Jesus said the man without sin be the first to cast/throw the stone..when they all left He asked her woman where are your accusers? She said they have left and He said neither do i condemn you go and sin no more..If we are the bride and Christ is the groom..He came to save a bride that was imperfect to make her perfect..How can you not have mercy or compassion on your husband??? If he is sorry help him and tell him how its hurt you..no husband wants to hurt or see his wife hurt..please wives..pray to have the sacrificial love to look beyond this terrible evil and help your husband through)… I pray for myself(A man so imperfect..a sinner..ashamed and disgraced by this terrible sin) and all men that this terrible evil would be removed from our lives and hearts..that from this day forward we would be the men,fathers and husbands that God has ordained us to be..That kids would be brought up by their fathers and mothers… In Jesus Mighty name pray..Amen
I had to reply to one of the comments from Drake. I am not at all trying to embarass you, but there are alot of men out there ( I say this from personally hearing comments being made) that passify porn as normal and innocently fun. This cannot be any farther from the truth. I wanted to share a scripture verse that talks specifically about this. It is Matthew 5:27-28, which says: “You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The study notes at the bottom explaining this verse go on to say, it is wrong for a person to have sex with someone other than his/her spouse, but Jesus said that the desire to have sex with someone other than your spouse is mental adultery and thus sin. It goes on to say that Jesus said to fill ones mind with fantasies that would be wrong IF acted out, is sin. God created sex and gave the criteria that it was to be shared ONLY in marriage between a man and woman. These women on the internet or in magazines or videos ARE REAL PEOPLE ……therefore you ARE cheating on your spouse. You are satisfying your sexual desires using REAL WOMEN that ARE NOT YOUR SPOUSE to have sexual fantasies with. If this were not the case, You would not be getting aroused. Saying that porn is not that big of a deal is an understatement…..It is an extremely Big deal and not to be passed off lightly. These women being used to promote porn ARE SOMEONES DAUGHTER!!! How would you feel if your daughter were to pop up one day on the internet or wherever doing porn, knowing that men from all over are using her body as a sexual tool to erouse themselves? Our world is full of people that make excuses for their need to satisfy their desires of all kinds……it doesn’t mean that just because someone has a desire that it should be fulfilled however they please. There are also statistics that show that alot of the sexual predators out there are into porn. PORN is dangerous and ruins lives all the way around.