Dear Hurting Wife,
Healing after I found porn on my husband’s computer, honestly, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Everything you are feeling right now, and everything you felt when you found out, I felt.
My husband George stopped looking at porn, but I still couldn’t trust him. When he left the house alone, I felt like my lungs caved in. Every moment he was gone I imagined the worst scenarios: gorgeous, barely dressed girls walking around; his eyes taking in every detail of their bodies; his heart eating, and me wondering if he’d have more fun with a girl like that—a girl so different from me.
I knew George loved me. He didn’t love the women he looked at. They were in his fantasy land—separate from me. But I wanted to be enough for my husband. I hated that he needed a fantasy world where women looked and did everything he wanted—everything I didn’t do. I wanted to captivate him. I still want this. I want both his eyes and heart. I want to be enough. And I know you want the same.
Please know that I am with you. I have been where you are. I know the pain and anger, all of the tears soaked into your pillow, and the nights you’re too numb to cry. And many other women know what it feels like to be crushed by their husband’s sexual sin, too. We know what it’s like to feel like we’ll never measure up. And we’re not alone. We’re in this together.
Sometimes people tell us to get over it or get used to it. All men look. All men fantasize. As long as they come home to us, that’s all that matters. But this is so far from real love and pure desire, and it’s certainly not romantic.
I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows meant the world to me. When I realized my husband hid his affair with porn, those vows felt like lies. Everything did. It’s heartbreaking to fall in love, be broken to pieces, and then wonder if your love was ever real to begin with.
Sometimes I still wonder if our relationship was real: the love and romance in the beginning, and the wedding vows. Was it all fake? Was he looking at porn the night before we got married? Thoughts like this come and go still, but I don’t dwell on them anymore. I don’t want you to dwell on them either.
Let’s grow together. Let’s surpass these negative thoughts and feelings and let God transform our hearts. My life’s motto is Beauty after Rain. One of the reasons I picked that motto is because my most meaningful times in life, my deepest joys, have come after the most painful circumstances. God carves us, shapes us, and in the process we get cut by the sharpest blades.
George’s lies and lust sliced open wounds that already existed. He went deeper than anyone ever did. I remember crying in bed one night as George slept beside me. The only thing that ran through my head, over and over, was, “He ruined me.”
But porn didn’t ruin me. It didn’t ruin our marriage. I chose to stand up to the lies and say, “My marriage is worth fighting for.”
It’s been a difficult fight—a painful, bloody, but hopeful fight. But if there is one thing I know to be true, it’s that the devil hates marriage. And I wasn’t about to let him have his way.
My hope is that your smile will be genuine and your joy will be complete. I want you to feel what I feel, to know that you can overcome this. Your heart can heal. And you can be content in who God made you to be. You can discover the growth and beauty that comes after the rain.
If I were writing this on paper you would see splotches of smeared ink where my tears have landed. No, that’s not me trying to be poetic. It’s true. I still feel the pain. But listen to me: your heart is precious, and so is mine; through all of this I almost forgot that; but now I know, and I want you to know, too.
YOU are worth fighting for.
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me, or leave an anonymous comment on this post. I’ll answer any questions or talk to anyone about this. When I went through this I didn’t have ANYONE to talk to about it. No one felt my pain. I feel your pain, and I’m here.
Hang in there,
Ashley
all men masturbate. men produce ridiculous amounts of sperm, and would have accidents n discomfort otherwise. you guys put yourselves on pedestals as if you possess more restraint, but its easy to abstain from giving in to urges you dont have; that doesnt make you better than anyone. men need sexual stimuli regularly. youre not making an effort to satisfy your HUSBANDS, and then youre indignant when he does it himself. people of the opposite sex dont marry to be in platonic relationships. if that were the case, he might as well marry a guy he has stuff in common with. get over yourselves.
Yes, all (or most) men do probably masturbate. And yes, it is fed by their hormones. That’s not what’s in question here. The question is whether men ought to pleasure themselves rather than making love to their wives. I’m not sure where you’re getting the idea that these women aren’t trying to satisfy their husbands. Can you elaborate?
I’m really glad I found this article.I’ve been with my husband for two years only married for a little under one and I just turned 19 he was my second boyfriend and I was a virgin when I met him virgin when I married him I trusted him completely without one doubt loved him more then life and when I found out it was like a punch in the stomach I’ve never felt a pain like that before in my life it was by far the worst thing to ever happend to me I don’t talk about this to anyone but a little to my mom I haven’t told her everything so I’m glad I can talk to someone about this I’m struggling everyday with this hurt but I know in my heart he wont stop at least not for a long time I’ve tryes talking to him but all I get is a hug and empty promises which hurt just as bad as the betrayal I know the accountability software is out of the question because he never lets me have his phone at all.I just wish I could break that darn thing its been a problem from the start.I just wish he would stop this problem so I could heal and we could be like we were before but I k.ow he doesn’t want help I haven’t told him that I caught him this last time but I’m going to try and talk to him tomorrow I just needed someone to talk to so thank you this is helping me a lot.
I think that my husband’s issue is not as serious as some of the stories I have read on this web page, or maybe that is what I would like to believe, of course I don’t know how the struggles go on in his mind. Still I have been hurt, I have forgiven, we are taking steps to fix this bit I will like to find some sort of positive online anonymous community to help me through the healing process. Do you know where I could find something like that? I struggle trusting my husband all the way. I mean I trust him, but, in the back of my mind I always have doubts like: ” why did he changed the channel when I walked into the room”, ” why did he close that web page when I came into the office”, why does he stare at his iPhone so much all day long..”, “is he attracted to other women ?” “Will this ever escalate and maybe lead him to find other real woman to have in his life?” I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do this and pretty sure some of this thoughts come from the devil. And of course I have asked myself the question every woman on his position has: “why am I no enough?” I just want to have my marriage as it was in the beginning, before any of this got out in the open. And the more information and help I try to find, the more I notice the toll it has taken on my spiritual life. I love my husband and I know he struggles to kick this out of his life. I know how much he is trying to keep me from being hurt and the steps he is taking towards purity. I love him more for that. Still I need help and I feel like my spiritual life needs it too. Can’t really pinpoint at what I actually need or what in my spiritual life is off, but I know it hasn’t been the same. I don’t blame God or anything like that. I just feel Him a little further away. I’m sure the problem is in me and it is a struggle and it needs healing just as much as my husband does with his problem. Please pray for me. Even a small prayer is appreciated. I do want to feel closer to God and fully trust my husband again.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is great that you are wrestling through these tough questions and not ignoring them or trying to brush off the problem.
SERIOUSLY, Your lungs “cave in” over PORN, PLLLLLEEEEAAASSSEEE, there are more IMPORTANT things to worry about. I can GUARANTEE he’s not cheating on you if he’s watching porn. Guys have had some kind of porn since the dawn of time, from cave drawings to the internet. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, but we as men ,yes, have our fantasies. It’s in our biology to get as many women pregnant as possible. We are animals just like bears, lions, tigers, dogs, cats, etc. How about you spice up your marriage instead of belittling him. Put on a teddy and some stockings, catch him in the act of “pleasuring” himself, and have some fun with it. Try a little fellatio, clitoral stimulation in front of him, or replace his hand with yours. HE WILL LOVE YOU for it, and I am about 98% sure he will NOT be focusing on the screen. Some porn is normal, but if it’s an addiction I can see the issue, my wife is HELPING me through mine. I realized I had a problem, I could watch it and NOT get aroused, and had over 200GB of it on my hard drive which has all been deleted now. But sometimes, it CAN be REALLY fun TOGETHER… Think about it.
Drake, you’ve really got to check your facts. Most wives of porn/sex addicts feel this way. In one survey of spouses of sex addicts, 70% of them met most criteria for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder and just as many demonstrated a severe level of functional impairment in major areas of their lives. When you trivialize her reaction, you trivialize the natural reaction of most women.
You are also incorrect that men who look at porn could not possibly be cheating on their wives. In a study of Internet users from the General Social Survey concluded that men who commit adultery are 218% more likely to look at porn. Those who had ever engaged in paid sex are 270% more likely to look at porn. Porn can be a predictor of other sexually deviant behavior.
But even if the man isn’t cheating on his wife with a flesh-and-blood woman, he is cheating on her with his digital harem of women. I agree a woman should be creative and enticing to her husband, but not overlooking his infidelities.
Please pray that my husband Steven gets rid of his porn addiction! i am so sad, sick and tired of trying to be ok with it, but on the inside I am torn apart. please pray that God speaks to my husband that porn is evil and that he can do without it, please pray for him to be wise and strong enough to break this evil habit. Please please please! In Jesus name. Amen.
I really am lost n feel so hurt i caught my husband looking at porn yesterday he apologized and asked god for forgiveness now hes telling me i should get over it …plz help
Hi Mel. I’m so sorry to hear this! Please get a copy of this free book, Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. I think you might find the material helpful for you, especially so close to the discovery of this problem.
I’m up to my limit ….. my husband lies to me about looking at porn and i dont’t know what to do anymore…. it makes me sick … it feels like im not good enough ….. his thing was i was trying to find different sex moves (which we have done them all) i’ve had a bad self esteem problem for years……. i have talk to him about it but he says he don’t see what the big deal is….. its disrepectful to me ….. i dont need or want to look at that ……i did tell him that if he continues to watch it or sit there and stare at girls …. for one we will never have sex again and i will file for divorce…. PLEASE HELP
Hi Trish. Thanks for telling us some of your situation. Wow. It is hurtful every time I hear about a man who does this to their wife (and it is so common).
I do encourage you to check out our list of links for wives. You might find a story or an article there that will give you some direction. I recommend you read “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?” The article gets at the heart of why a woman (rightly) feels her man should not be looking at pornography.
This is a conviction your husband must come to. There are steps you can take to protect yourself and prod him along, but these are steps he must take. A good guide to read at this point is Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. I hope you get a sense of some good next steps to take.
Hi Ashley,
I came across your site because I needed words to help me with my feelings. Almost 3 years ago I married my best friend (we grew up together) I’ve known this man since I was 7. I’m 36 now. He knew how I felt about porn BEFORE we ever got married. I’ve always said if that is needed than you don’t need me. It’s just like cheating and being we’re military and deployments happen, , I have to have 100% trust. I’m a very out going sexual person and I would send him private videos and do what I needed to do to keep us close in that way while he was gone. If I’d known that he was watching porn, I would have never put myself out there like that. I’d never done that even with the amount of love I have for him. Heck, i wouldn’t of married him! We are a couple that has never had a fight…we talk! We can talk about what bothers us, work it out and move on. But this, this is different. I’m ready to leave. I’m ready to walk out the door and be single forever. I’m just not sure how I can ever trust him again. How can I deal with our military life knowing he will do this? I’m just not the person to handle hurt and I’m not sure where to turn. After a promise is broken…there’s no fixing that. Anyone out there have any pointers on helping me through this? I’m just feeling so cold right now…. Sorry, I’m rambling! I’m just at a loss.
Hi Susan,
Have you taken a look at Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives? We pulled out a lot of the common questions wives ask and give tips for reconciliation.
One thing I’d recommend in particular is getting professional counseling. I know Dr. Doug Weiss offers free assessments, for one possibility. There’s a list of other people to contact at the end of the e-book as well. You can also consider speaking with a military counselor, who would probably have more specialized training for your situation. Whoever you choose, make sure they treat porn as the problem it is.
I looked at porn while I was a single guy and didn’t give it much thought since even mainstream magazines like Men’s Health would say an occasional look was normal. Some of this porn was still on my computer after I married and I would occasionally have a look. I thought of it as an electronic Playboy that didn’t need to be stuck under the matress. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
My wife has great intuition and could tell something was odd about me if I looked at that porn during the day. She got on my computer and looked at these pictures and was truly hurt. I apologized profusely and explained I didn’t give it much thought since I had never thought nudity and sex were bad things. I see her point now and how each of us has their own reaction and thoughts about porn.
I’ve apologized numerous times since and have not ever looked at porn online again. I even got rid of that old computer so there is no doubt any file or link is gone and out of our lives. I do not buy or subscribe to any adult magazines. Yet, the damage cused by doing something I thought was harmless still exists in our marriage and it is thrown in my face time after time in any disagreement we have. I’m more than shamed by this point, humiliated and embarassed, and forever sorry. Sad thing is, she will never believe me, trust me, or ever think she is enough for me ever again.
Porn isn’t entertainment. Porn isn’t fun. Porn is destructive. Porn is a sign that something inside the viewer is lacking and they need an outlet that for a moment mike make them forget the issue, the hurt from childhood, or something missing in their life for a brief moment. Women are beautiful, but they don’t need to be naked or having sex to feel that way. They need to be your friend, your lover, your confidant, your partner through this tough life, and your wife.
Chris
The other night, my husband, our 2 yr. old son and I went out to dinner. As we were finishing up, I sat back and felt so happy, so safe, so pleased with how far we had come and how much better we were doing now. When it came time to pay, I saw something small fall out of my husband’s wallet…another mini SD card…just like the one I had found before. I confronted him about it once we were in the car, where he forcibly tried to take it from me, threatening that if i looked at it, there was nothing left to do but get a divorce.
There was no need to look at it. His reaction said it all. He had not stopped. He did not care about what it was doing to me, what kind of home life it was creating for our son. He just wants his pictures, and videos, sound clips… all these things he can download and save for future use on his phone. I knew our phone bill was unusually high, how could I have been so stupid?
You see, this is the sixth time that I have caught him… in the three and a half years that we have been married, this is the sixth time that i have found his stash of filth. I am so much more than tired… there is nothing left of whatever self-esteem I once had. There is nothing left of me anymore. And whats worse, is that since that evening two days ago, I have gone into preterm labor due to stress… I’m 36 weeks pregnant with our second son… And not only that, but I have no where to go, no one to turn to. We live in Japan, he is Japanese, before we got married, he joined my church-the closest one being an hour and a half away- and I thought he was different, willing to live a better way of life. I can’t talk to my mom about it much, because all she says is that I need to come back home, and I have no friends to talk to here, because, well, its like he’s stuck me away where no one can find me. Can’t work anymore, because I don’t want my son(s) to be subjected to their daycare system, or to be watched by his parents, -they live right next door- because they see nothing wrong with giving him beer cans to play with.
Last night, he stayed at his mother’s. His only response to all of this has been that there is no other alternative than getting a divorce, saying that he doesn’t want to, but that it can’t be helped.
Before he left, he came in, sat down some roses with a card that said I’m sorry, and without a word, turned around and walked out the door.
There is no way for me to even put into words the range of emotions that I am feeling. The minute I saw that SD card fall to the floor, I knew. The deceit, the lies, the obviousness of those twinges of intuition that I had just pushed aside, telling myself to stop being so selfish and to just try and trust him.
How could he stand there, arms crossed, telling me that he knows I can’t fly now, so he is letting me stay until after the baby is born, and then that I should fly back home. Telling me that he knows I did nothing wrong, that I am a good person, but that sometimes people get divorced because the husband has done something stupid. How can he just throw us away like that, saying that it doesn’t matter anyway, because I would probably never believe him again.
Why am I not enough? When I have willingly given up everything just to support him in his country, with his family, in his language.. when he is enough for me?
How do I forgive him? How do I let go.. of everything? When he can so nonchalantly toss me and his own babies aside… I find myself wishing that I could be as cold as he, to just not feel so… worthless, rejected, despised, unlovable, …broken.
And here’s where I start to feel even more pathetic, because I still love him. He is my husband, I want to trust him. I want to believe in him. I want to be able to look at him in admiration, filled with respect and love… But… six times…each one more and more disgusting to me.
I want to talk to our leaders at church, but he has said before that if they know, that he will never go back.
How is it that everyone else in my family can be so happily married, full of love for each other and their children, when I …am not. How is it that I am not enough?
I apologize for the length, and the scattered thoughts..but I am pretty sure I’m still in shock.