Dear Hurting Wife,
Healing after I found porn on my husband’s computer, honestly, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Everything you are feeling right now, and everything you felt when you found out, I felt.
My husband George stopped looking at porn, but I still couldn’t trust him. When he left the house alone, I felt like my lungs caved in. Every moment he was gone I imagined the worst scenarios: gorgeous, barely dressed girls walking around; his eyes taking in every detail of their bodies; his heart eating, and me wondering if he’d have more fun with a girl like that—a girl so different from me.
I knew George loved me. He didn’t love the women he looked at. They were in his fantasy land—separate from me. But I wanted to be enough for my husband. I hated that he needed a fantasy world where women looked and did everything he wanted—everything I didn’t do. I wanted to captivate him. I still want this. I want both his eyes and heart. I want to be enough. And I know you want the same.
Please know that I am with you. I have been where you are. I know the pain and anger, all of the tears soaked into your pillow, and the nights you’re too numb to cry. And many other women know what it feels like to be crushed by their husband’s sexual sin, too. We know what it’s like to feel like we’ll never measure up. And we’re not alone. We’re in this together.
Sometimes people tell us to get over it or get used to it. All men look. All men fantasize. As long as they come home to us, that’s all that matters. But this is so far from real love and pure desire, and it’s certainly not romantic.
I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows meant the world to me. When I realized my husband hid his affair with porn, those vows felt like lies. Everything did. It’s heartbreaking to fall in love, be broken to pieces, and then wonder if your love was ever real to begin with.
Sometimes I still wonder if our relationship was real: the love and romance in the beginning, and the wedding vows. Was it all fake? Was he looking at porn the night before we got married? Thoughts like this come and go still, but I don’t dwell on them anymore. I don’t want you to dwell on them either.
Let’s grow together. Let’s surpass these negative thoughts and feelings and let God transform our hearts. My life’s motto is Beauty after Rain. One of the reasons I picked that motto is because my most meaningful times in life, my deepest joys, have come after the most painful circumstances. God carves us, shapes us, and in the process we get cut by the sharpest blades.
George’s lies and lust sliced open wounds that already existed. He went deeper than anyone ever did. I remember crying in bed one night as George slept beside me. The only thing that ran through my head, over and over, was, “He ruined me.”
But porn didn’t ruin me. It didn’t ruin our marriage. I chose to stand up to the lies and say, “My marriage is worth fighting for.”
It’s been a difficult fight—a painful, bloody, but hopeful fight. But if there is one thing I know to be true, it’s that the devil hates marriage. And I wasn’t about to let him have his way.
My hope is that your smile will be genuine and your joy will be complete. I want you to feel what I feel, to know that you can overcome this. Your heart can heal. And you can be content in who God made you to be. You can discover the growth and beauty that comes after the rain.
If I were writing this on paper you would see splotches of smeared ink where my tears have landed. No, that’s not me trying to be poetic. It’s true. I still feel the pain. But listen to me: your heart is precious, and so is mine; through all of this I almost forgot that; but now I know, and I want you to know, too.
YOU are worth fighting for.
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me, or leave an anonymous comment on this post. I’ll answer any questions or talk to anyone about this. When I went through this I didn’t have ANYONE to talk to about it. No one felt my pain. I feel your pain, and I’m here.
Hang in there,
Ashley
Shortcake, if he sees you as a ‘church girl’ and wont do the porn fantasy acts with you, I would take that as a complement and God’s grace toward you to not let you get deep in sin with your husband. If he physically cheated on you, I feel the Bible is clear you can divorce him, if you want to do so. Otherwise, you and he are free to work it out. Please don’t try to fulfill him in unclean ways. It will not help your marriage or build true, lasting, loving feelings; it would only bring regret.
What if your husband is remorseful, but has never done anything to show you he really loves you? Actions speak louder than words right? What if he was carrying on with other real women online and then actually had them into my house? What if he continues to tell me that he can’t talk dirty to me and do the kind of stuff he wants from me because I’m a ‘church girl’ in his eyes? We’ve been separated for three years now, yet neither of us can file for divorce.
Your husband is perverted and may be unable to have a real loving relationship. Don’t let him ruin your spirituality;.
After almost 10 years of marriage, I have given up. I am heading out the door. I wanted to be enough but I guess fantasy was stronger than Love.
Thank you Luke. Ashley also responded and has forwarded my message to her husband, so I may receive his counsel as well. I long for the day when I do not see such sadness in her eyes and pain in her voice. To see a tear run down her cheek is murderous, knowing that I put it there. If God has to purify my heart in a cauldron of grief, let his will be done to me. I just pray that her suffering can end soon. she has done nothing to deserve this.
I am a husband who allowed porn to invade my life at an early age. My wife found out about it in Feb after many years of hiding it from her. It has rocked my world and may end up costing me my career. My poor wife is so hurt and angry and scared and confused all at once. We are on a sad rollercoaster ride of emotions. The devil almost killed my soul forever. I have confessed my sins to my wife and to our minister and to God and begged forgiveness. The fault and sin is all mine. To see her in such pain hurts and frightens me more than I can describe. She is my angel and my life. We have 5 young kids. How could I have been so selfish and treacherous? What got into me? I feel like it was in another life that I did these things. I hate myself for what I am putting her through. Please, please tell me what I can to do to help her heal. All I want is for our marriage to heal and for her to know that I have truly repented and stopped this sin. Our hearts are broken. She too, feels like her life has been a lie. It has not been, although I am so confused as to how I could love her so deeply, yet still act in such a vile manner and hurt her. I love her so very very much. Please help us in any way you can.
@Ernie – I hear your pain. It is a paradox for many guys: why do we feel such love for our wives and yet find ourselves so willing to be deceptive and unfaithful to them. You hit the nail on the head when you called your offense “selfish and treacherous.” The fact that you are now calling a spade a spade is encouraging. Like our father, Adam, many men today shift the blame. This is devilish pride.
In a time of crisis, like this, it is good that you have brought the church (i.e. your minister) into the battle with you. Lean on the wisdom of spiritually mature men and women around you. This is key.
Ask your wife what she needs to trust you again and be willing to do whatever it takes. She may not even know the answer to that question right now, and that’s OK. If you are both committed to making your marriage work, in time she will give you an answer. Right now, take initiative to remove all traces of secrecy from your life. You might benefit from listening to some of the stories on our blog. Chris and Cindy Beall’s story of his infidelity and their restoration is moving. Julianne Cusick’s message about her husband’s porn problem is very good. I also highly commend to you our interview with Joe Dallas on this question.
My prayers are with you, Ernie. As God grants you repentance, I pray God also grants your wife the grace of forgiveness.
Thank you, Ashley for the kind words. Deep down, I know I am beautiful and a child of God, worth so much and special. I believed my husband thought the same way about me until finding out about him watching porn and cheating on me with his eyes and heart. Just because he does not seem to cherish me the way God intended does not change the fact that I am beautiful, special, and precious. My spouse doesn’t have to know or appreciate that for it to be true. His sickness does not have to undermine my self esteem.
cassie — that’s so good to hear! it definitely is worth the fight!
michell — i know exactly how you feel. especially feeling as though your marriage was a lie. oh, and if you email me (ashley@morethandesire.com) i will send you a free copy of the novel. the non-fiction book isn’t due out for a while, but you can read a lot of that info on my blog (http://www.morethandesire.com). i hope it helps! i pour my heart into helping women not go through that dark healing process alone. i had to do it alone and it wasn’t easy!
I am going through the same thing but worse & as I read your article it brings tears to my eyes , how can someone love you & watch you hurt like this & still do it again . Not real love
Oh how I wish I had your book right now! I am going through this right now. It has been under a week since the REbetrayal! My husband is finally getting help but I cried every sentence of your letter. I too want to be enough. To know that my husband if FULLY committed to just me and only me. I feel as if my whole marriage was a lie. If he really loved me and his kids he wouldn’t have done this repeatedly and secretly. I still have a ways to go before I can heal but your letter encouraged me a little. I want to fight for my marriage…..I can only pray for my husband right now. I did make him paint his nails pink so that he could openly feel the humiliation. Thank for you letter and I really wish I could read your book right now!
how many times have i said those words “i just want to be enough”. it’s funny that i don’t think that men understand that. thank you for your encouraging words! my husband has been winning, and it has been a tough journey, but worth the fight!
Brings me to tears to read. Spouses and even female friends tell me no big deal they all do it or that I’m insecure. I’m not at all insecure but I used those words exactly I just want to be enough. He’s enough for me I don’t go looking for other men’s bodies to look at. If he went out of his way to be sexy and please me and rock my world then I turned around a few hours later looking at men online I would think he would question whether he pleases me or not. U know what gets me hot is emotionally knowing I’m his world and I’m all he needs that’s what makes me want him everywhere so when he’s looking elsewhere to visualize other women when he has me it completely turns me off and takes away from the love and trust I felt we were building which in turn made me want more sex