Dear Hurting Wife,
Healing after I found porn on my husband’s computer, honestly, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Everything you are feeling right now, and everything you felt when you found out, I felt.
My husband George stopped looking at porn, but I still couldn’t trust him. When he left the house alone, I felt like my lungs caved in. Every moment he was gone I imagined the worst scenarios: gorgeous, barely dressed girls walking around; his eyes taking in every detail of their bodies; his heart eating, and me wondering if he’d have more fun with a girl like that—a girl so different from me.
I knew George loved me. He didn’t love the women he looked at. They were in his fantasy land—separate from me. But I wanted to be enough for my husband. I hated that he needed a fantasy world where women looked and did everything he wanted—everything I didn’t do. I wanted to captivate him. I still want this. I want both his eyes and heart. I want to be enough. And I know you want the same.
Please know that I am with you. I have been where you are. I know the pain and anger, all of the tears soaked into your pillow, and the nights you’re too numb to cry. And many other women know what it feels like to be crushed by their husband’s sexual sin, too. We know what it’s like to feel like we’ll never measure up. And we’re not alone. We’re in this together.
Sometimes people tell us to get over it or get used to it. All men look. All men fantasize. As long as they come home to us, that’s all that matters. But this is so far from real love and pure desire, and it’s certainly not romantic.
I don’t know about you, but my wedding vows meant the world to me. When I realized my husband hid his affair with porn, those vows felt like lies. Everything did. It’s heartbreaking to fall in love, be broken to pieces, and then wonder if your love was ever real to begin with.
Sometimes I still wonder if our relationship was real: the love and romance in the beginning, and the wedding vows. Was it all fake? Was he looking at porn the night before we got married? Thoughts like this come and go still, but I don’t dwell on them anymore. I don’t want you to dwell on them either.
Let’s grow together. Let’s surpass these negative thoughts and feelings and let God transform our hearts. My life’s motto is Beauty after Rain. One of the reasons I picked that motto is because my most meaningful times in life, my deepest joys, have come after the most painful circumstances. God carves us, shapes us, and in the process we get cut by the sharpest blades.
George’s lies and lust sliced open wounds that already existed. He went deeper than anyone ever did. I remember crying in bed one night as George slept beside me. The only thing that ran through my head, over and over, was, “He ruined me.”
But porn didn’t ruin me. It didn’t ruin our marriage. I chose to stand up to the lies and say, “My marriage is worth fighting for.”
It’s been a difficult fight—a painful, bloody, but hopeful fight. But if there is one thing I know to be true, it’s that the devil hates marriage. And I wasn’t about to let him have his way.
My hope is that your smile will be genuine and your joy will be complete. I want you to feel what I feel, to know that you can overcome this. Your heart can heal. And you can be content in who God made you to be. You can discover the growth and beauty that comes after the rain.
If I were writing this on paper you would see splotches of smeared ink where my tears have landed. No, that’s not me trying to be poetic. It’s true. I still feel the pain. But listen to me: your heart is precious, and so is mine; through all of this I almost forgot that; but now I know, and I want you to know, too.
YOU are worth fighting for.
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me, or leave an anonymous comment on this post. I’ll answer any questions or talk to anyone about this. When I went through this I didn’t have ANYONE to talk to about it. No one felt my pain. I feel your pain, and I’m here.
Hang in there,
Ashley
Ashley, very good words. Thank you. Also, everyone needs to know that giving love in a pure way to your spouse, regardless of where his mind goes, is building your marriage and showing him a good example. That is how I went from being emotionally numb and wishing him dead, to having a positive purpose in our marriage. I decided whether he wanted more or diffent options, I would only allow what felt holy to occur. We may very well save our husbands by our chastity. We may be the only Bible they read (1 Peter 3:1-2).
Bonnie — God is not silent. He has not abandoned you. That is just as much of a lie as porn itself. Please don’t listen to that no matter how difficult it is to feel God right now. Your emotions are swirling and they have a good right to be. Your heart is broken. It’s going to be tough for you to feel anything right now, even God. Everything is going to feel numb and distant for a little while. But that doesn’t change the truth. God is with you. He loves you. And He’s the only thing that will get you through this time, regardless of your husband’s actions.
I do not consider your first comments “self-pity.” I consider them your honest heart, your true feelings, your pain displayed on the screen. There’s nothing wrong with feeling pain about this. There’s nothing wrong with doubt and fear. You’re marriage is being severely attacked. Your heart is broken. It’s normal to feel some of these painful reactions. But it’s what you do with it that counts. Don’t let the lies overtake you. I know it’s easier said than done, believe me, I’ve been there. The stage you are in now is so very tough to get through. It often feels like you will never get through it and that death would be better. Sometimes I even wondered if I’d be better off if my husband died. What horrible thoughts! Now, I’m so thankful nothing like that happened.
Hope is available to you, even though you can’t see it. The blue sky is always there, sometimes storms just hide it. Reach for it even when it’s not visible and eventually the clouds will roll back and you’ll feel again. You can find this even if your husband doesn’t. You can heal in your own heart even if your marriage disintegrates. Allow God to come into your heart and help you heal, even when you can’t feel Him. Draw near, even when you don’t feel like it. When you feel most numb, most abandoned, most unloved … get on your knees and simply cry to God. That’s all. Just let Him be your shoulder. He’s ready to catch your tears if you’ll let Him.
Julia — I know how you are feeling. When I went through this I thought all men were horrible and disgusting. I thought if I got divorced over lust that I’d never, ever date another man simply because they are all lustful creatures who can’t control themselves. Please don’t continue to believe the lie. God has shown me the truth through my husband and several other men … there are men out there who desire purity and to rid lust from their lives completely. Think about how hard it must be for them though. Women are just as sinful when it comes to jealousy. We covet what other women have SO much. We probably analyze women more than men do. And it’s not right. And it’s just as hard for us to stop lingering on that magazine cover and wondering what it would be like to “look like her” as it is for a man to not second look when he sees something like that. But we can overcome our issues and not second look at women and become jealous, just like there are some men out there who can overcome their issues and not second look and lust.
You do have someone to share your burden with, by the way. You can talk to me. You can comment on this site, on my blog, and there will be people to support you. It may not be in person (which I didn’t have either), but having someone across the miles can be very helpful through this time. The last thing you want to do is keep everything inside.
Don’t give up. Keep fighting. Keep loving when it hurts. That kind of love is so meaningful … to love when it hurts and not just when it feels good. Think of the eternal perspective. Think of your heart and how it is being prepared for eternity. Pain is a good thing, it builds our character. It’s just not easy to feel that way in the midst. But you’ll get better if draw near to God. Things will get lighter. He is with you.
The road to recovery is a long road, both for husband and wife, and for the marriage as well. Lots of healing to take place. But the fight, the tears, they are all worth it. They are worth the beauty of marriage. Love is worth fighting for. And the devil does not deserve another victory and failed marriage.
Keep fighting, all of you. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t still care about your marriage. Even in your lowest times, you still care. And that’s beautiful. Don’t stop caring!
Dear Ashley,
Thank you for your words and sharing your story. I am so very sad; so low and feel utterly worthless. And, I feel a disgust toward all men, even the ones in my family.
I first found him out about a year and a half ago and had the promises of it ending. Then this month, I unearthed his hidden stash. Here I was feeling so guilty because I was being devious for I went snooping and sneaking through his shop knowing …
Now the light is on this dark secret and if he does it again, if his apologies and tears and promises are lies I will ask God to be my avenger. My heart is broken and I dread the long road to recovery.
A very hard part is not having any one to share this burden with. I am glad that I found this page and find some inspiration to keep fighting for us…I’ve got too much in to this to give it up and…
I’m so happy to have found this site. My heart has been breaking for over two weeks now. My husband thinks I need help because I’m crying all the time. He thinks I’m over reacting. At times I’m extremely angry. Other times I weep from a very deep place. I feel like nothing is what I thought it was. I have no way if knowing how often he’s been looking. I’m scared. I feel he is not who I thought he was. I want to trust him to never do it again but how can I trust him? He already told me he doesn’t do that and then I found out that he does. Why does he think it’s ok? Why is he not sad for hurting me so?
Hi Mary, so sorry to hear how your husband has been treating you. He needs to get a clue.
I wrote an article years ago called “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn,” which deals with a number of the things you mentioned. You might want to read that article.
Bonnie, I am saying to bring a third child into this may hinder your ability to get out gracefully or to live independently if your husband leaves you. He has had an affair, and God does not put on us more than we can bear. He gives us the grace to bear hardship, or a way out. I feel scripture is plain in Matthew 5:32 that you are allowed out because of his affair, if it’s too much and you choose to do so. Positive friends may help buffer the pain, without you needing to share it with them. A different, positive church or joining a small group at church can keep you encouraged and help with balance. It can be draining to have home life so stressful and full of grief, so you need to find a way to keep your tank full. Working out at a gym, reading, attending a christian home group, and a positive church have kept me going in spite of my husband’s lies and mostly covert porn addiction. 2Timothy 2:12 states all will be persecuted who believe in Christ. Later in that chapter it says to keep believing the scriptures so we can be saved. There is hope in the Lord. He will be with you whatever you choose. Of course marriage is honorable, and that is why we fight and lose ourselves to make it better. There is no way we can hope to save our husbands, except by living right ourselves (1 Peter 3:1-2, 1Cor 7:16). I wanted to share these tools I have used with success to hopefully give you a positive direction, as well as comfort to know you are not alone today. God means for us to live one day at a time (Matthew 6:34). I pray you can see God working, even if it’s not with your spouse at this time.
Dear Jennifer,
Thankyou for the reply, while I appreciate your advice neither of my pregnancies have been mistakes, they were planned, the problem is that I believed my husband had changed or wanted to, I do not bring children into the situation lightly. Also, I have a job, it is the friends I lack perhaps, but do you not feel this subject is perhaps a little to difficult to share with some people. Who can you trust? I am a very private person and even though my last comments sounded so hopeless, I apologise, what if my husband wants to change! To share such details with others who may not understand is a big risk. We all have bad days where we feel unable to cope, I believe my last comments reveal that. You say make yourself the best you can be, well I want to be the woman God wants me to be, that has always been the desire of my heart, but I do not understand why this has happened when I have prayed, when I have asked Him for help, when I have begged with Him to show me the way. He is so silent either that or I can’t hear Him. I am part of the worship team in our church, but at present I do not sing, how, when I do not believe in the words. My husband , despite all that I have written, tells me that he wants to be different, although when I look it does not appear that way, surely I have to hope?
Bonnie, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It’s good to know you now see you aren’t alone in this battle. Keep believing God loves you and cares for you, even if your husband does not show the character of Christ as a husband should. Love yourself enough to avoid pregnancy a third time, get a job if you can, and find supportive friends, a supportive church, and make yourself the best you can be. Live life like he is not there dragging you down. That’s how I have made it through as a stronger woman despite an unsupportive spouse. There is also a book called Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, that helped me a lot to find strength to know where my husband’s influence ends and I begin.
There are an awful lot of brave women on this site. I have been married for 8 years, my husband’s addiction has dogged all of them. He has never confessed, I have always caught him out. I thought when I discoverd his affair a few weeks after the birth of our first child he might be shocked into really seeking help. And we did search, our church was no help, they don’t really want to know. It took us nearly a year to find someone for him to talk to. But not me, I don’t get to talk to anybody, I get left to try to heal on my own. And now, over two years on and with councilling and the birth four months ago of our second child, nothing has changed! He has managed to loose his job because of this addiction and become addicted to smoking pot because HE is so stressed. He won’t talk to me, he continues to lie and keep secrets. I am at the end of my rope! My faith has almost completely eroded, I don’t believe he even considers God anymore. I am so angry, tired, hurt, numb, confused, heartbroken and I don’t know where to turn. I don’t think I should be here, but my babies need a roof over their heads. Where is God! This marriage was built on christian beliefs, my second, I thought with God on my side it would work. How coul I have been so wrong!
It has been good to see that some people have overcome and I wish them every blessing, and how sad that some have not. Finally after so long being on my own it is nice to find others who feel as I do, and so I weep with relief. But I do not know what will happen to us. I apologise for my self pity, I will continue to be strong for my kids if nothing else. Thank you for sharing.
It is probably best you learn to take care of yourself. You might be better alone. God will give you the strength to do what you need to do for the sake of your children. Your children are going to see him as a role model for husband and father.
I just wish I could take all the women on this sight out to a dinner, buy them something special and tell them they are not alone, there is nothing wrong with them and they are beautiful and captivating.
Porn is an ugly thing and it ruins relationships, breaks hearts and causes one to not trust anyone. I pray that men in all walks of life would be sickened by the lies that porn portrays. It is a sick lie of fake pleasure and an escape from true intimacy. It causes shame, guilt and loss of trust and intimacy. May God truly heal…
My husband got caught back in November and lied when he was plainly busted. Then got mad. The thing is he continued and still does. I know he is ashamed I know he wants to be pure. He knows the scriptures, he believes them.
He is at the point where he is talking to me a little and is owning up to it. He says we can take the computers out but this isn’t realistic . He runs a computer business, we also homeschool and rely a great deal on the internet.
There isn’t a filter or anything that would work for us because he is incredibly capable with the computer.
I feel so sick and disgusted, worthless and sad.
@Jocelyn — I will be praying for your marriage and your heart.
@shortcake — What a tough situation. Actions do speak louder than words and I’m so sorry your husband hasn’t shown you love. I agree with Jennifer’s thoughts about being considered a “church girl.” At least he’s not using as an object as he is other women. In a sense he’s saying that you stand out as something special to him, something that he doesn’t want to taint with that stuff. But at the same time … I can only imagine your pain and heartbreak over this. I’m so sorry that sexual sin has taken your marriage down this road of separation. I truly pray that your hearts will both be healed and that you will be together again, wondering how you were ever in this position to begin with. Sometimes words just aren’t enough to show encouragement through a time as tough as this … so know that my prayers are with you.