Covenant Eyes exists to help people overcome porn. However, the battle against porn doesn’t start on your computer or smartphone. It begins in the desires of our hearts and the thoughts of our minds. In this article, Kristen outlines how single Christians can take their fight against porn to the next level by attacking lustful thoughts and desires.
With tears streaming down my face, I sat alone in my room. As a 22-year-old Christian single woman, I was battling against my flesh and the sexual temptations in my mind…again. I wanted to be pure. I wanted to fight against the lust in my life. I wanted to honor God. But it felt too hard. It felt almost impossible.
I’ve been married now for six years, but I was single for 24 years prior to that. I remember all too well the unfulfilled sexual desires that I had during that season of life. Moments of tears and struggle like the one above were normal for me. There were many times when I viewed my sex drive as a curse. I wished my desires would just go away altogether and then reappear when I got married.
I struggled with strong urges for sexual fulfillment.
As much as I wanted to throw in the towel and ditch God’s plan for sex, I decided to search God’s Word for hope and answers. Over time, God’s Word helped me understand that my sexual desires weren’t a curse, but a blessing. His word also reminded me that He would give me the grace to handle my desires until marriage happened—if it happened (2 Corinthians 12:9).
If you’re single right now, your sex drive might feel like a curse to you as well. I want to share with you some of the things that helped me handle my sexual desires as a single woman, and I hope they’re encouraging to you as well.
Related: More Than Single–Finding Purpose Beyond Porn
1. Understand God’s Design for Sex
God created sex and it’s a beautiful thing within the covenant of marriage. God also created us to be sexual beings with desires and longings for sexual intimacy. We are sexual beings from the moment we’re born. We don’t become sexual beings once we get married. However, God’s design for sex is good and beautiful only when enjoyed in the right context.
Is thinking about sex a sin?
Healthy sexual desires are not wrong or sinful. They’re actually 100% normal. It’s normal for you, as a single person, to look forward to and be excited about enjoying God’s gifts of sexual intimacy within marriage. However, these good desires can quickly become sinful if we turn them into lust, or use them with the wrong person at the wrong time.
God created sex to be a binding force between a husband and wife to unite them as one in marriage (Mark 10:8).
This covenantal seal also comes with intentional blessings such as physical pleasure and the opportunity to bring new life into the world.
What does the Bible say about urges?
As Christians, we must have a strong understanding of God’s holy design for sex if we’re going to handle our own sexual desires in the right way. I encourage you to read another post I wrote called “Why I Chose to Save Sex for Marriage” to help you build a strong biblical foundation.
2. Prepare for Battle
As a single person, your sexual desires may be a normal part of God’s design, but they can also be the largest area for temptation. The battle for purity is real, and it’s an intense one. We live in a culture that has totally perverted God’s design for sex and pressures us to “join in on the fun.”
Yes, the world tries to lure us into its perversion, but the battle for purity begins within the walls of our hearts. James 1:14 says, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.”
Our heart is sinful and is constantly trying to carry us away and entice us towards lust.
We need to recognize our own bent toward sexual sin and prepare ourselves for this battle. We won’t win unless we’re proactively striving after holiness, purity, and a passion for God’s glory.
Related: The Best Way to Block Porn (It Isn’t What You Think)
The best place to start is by spending time worshipping the true and living God every day. Get in His word and allow His truth to transform your thinking. Pray every morning (and throughout the day) asking God to help you love His holiness more than you love yourself. Don’t let the battle of sexual temptation take you by surprise.
3. Make the Choice to Fight or Flee
As you live your daily life in the sinful world, you will undoubtedly come face-to-face with sexual temptation. For example, you might be innocently shopping for something online when a sensual ad pops up. You didn’t seek it out. You weren’t even looking for it. But there it is.
Or you may simply be trying to fall asleep one night when your mind is suddenly bombarded with sexual thoughts. You’re instantly tempted to dwell on these thoughts in your mind.
What does the Bible say about sexual urges?
Sexual temptation comes in all shapes and sizes and often doesn’t give us a lot of warning.
When sexual temptations hit you have two options. You can either (A) Fight it, or (B) Flee from it.
A: Fight it. Fighting needs to happen when you can’t physically get away from it.
You can’t physically escape a sexual thought in your head, so you need to choose to fight against it. You can’t escape driving through a city with sexualized billboards, but you can choose to fight it by not looking at them.
God will help you fight your temptations–you are not alone.
1 Corinthians 10:13 offers us that powerful promise: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
B. Flee from it. The next best way to fight it is to simply flee.
This is a great option! This looks like you physically removing yourself from the temptation. If a movie turns south, turn it off. Don’t keep watching it. If your friends start talking about inappropriate things, leave the conversation. If that phone app is tempting you towards lust, get rid of it.
Don’t wait around hoping to be “strong enough.” Get away from the temptation. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
4. Make Victory Easier
Fighting the battle of lust in our hearts is already difficult without added temptation. I can’t encourage you enough to set yourself up for success by removing as much sexual temptation from your life as possible. This means pitching sexualized computer games, saying no to raunchy magazines like Cosmo, deleting impure or sensual phone apps, saying no to impure movies, turning off that sensual song, etc. You get the idea.
If you desire purity and holiness, you must battle for it. It doesn’t come naturally. Get rid of extra temptation and make victory easier to accomplish. Installing Screen Accountability through Covenant Eyes is always a great idea.
I pray those four points are helpful to you as you strive to handle your sexual desires in a God-honoring way.
I know it’s hard. I know it’s a battle. But with God’s help, and strategic planning on your part, you can steer your sexual desires in a God-honoring direction.
Editor’s note: We’ve received quite a few follow-up questions to this post. Here are a few more thoughts shared by someone who was single into his mid-30s.
How to Control Sexual Desires Before Marriage
Many Christian singles wish they could turn off sexual desire like a switch until it’s time for marriage. We can’t control our desires like that. However, the Bible teaches that truly liberating self-control comes through the power of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:23). It’s also a discipline (2 Peter 1:6). As you practice what Kristen recommends, both fighting and fleeing, you will learn that sexual desires do not have to be overpowering. You can desire sex without being controlled by that desire.
How to Release Sexual Tension When You Are Single
A second question I often hear is, “What about sexual tension? Where can I find relief when I’m already aroused?” If you’re following God’s plan, then you will likely experience unresolved sexual tension at times. I certainly did.
However, turning to porn is not the answer! Instead, as you learn to discipline your mind to avoid dwelling on sexual thoughts and sexually tempting content, the tension will decrease. By the time I reached my 30s, I learned to discipline my eyes and to speak to an ally if I was struggling with lust. Consequently, I did not experience nearly as much sexual tension as I did in my 20s.
Dont give the body what it wants all the time. Dont be slave to the body & its desires. Meditate often, find support & other hobbies, divorce social media & fake friends. Accept & dont deny the punishment! Acceptance lightens the load!
it Is a curse. It is a punishment. I have begged for God to take away any sexual desire from me . Every time someone tries to share their evidence that it is a blessing frustrates me although I respect their position.
Sorry Joshua but your view doesn’t change the fact that sex is a blessing.
I am freaking with the pressure while trusting God for a lovely husband. Do same
My name is James and I read all the remarks. I’m a 40-something male that was married at one time but it’s no longer due to infidelity on her part. I felt ripped off for many years and treated women badly for it. I was baptized at a young age but wasn’t in the face until a few years back. My libido is higher than ever and the only thing I got out of all of the comments was that I am not alone. Other than that I am still searching for some kind of answer regarding my sexual desires. Please pray for me cuz I don’t want to go to hell
James,
Thank you for sharing your struggles openly and honestly. I will of course encourage you to turn to God’s word and fellow believers for wisdom and healing. However, might I also recommend searching out a Christian counselor or therapist to talk through your desires and find a solution? Oftentimes, diving deep into the root of the issue can result in healing.
May God bless you as you fight to honor him.
Blessings,
Moriah
James, I pray God will give you the grace to stay pure and also speedily give you a lovely woman that will stay faithful to you.
Wow thanks for this article I finally felt like someone got it! Someone knew what I was dealing with, it’s just sad not to have a lot of sisters in Christ comfortable and open talking about this private issue together. It seems like no ones wants to, because they’re afraid they’ll be judged, but I would love that. Pray for my strength though it is hard sometimes, but I know it’ll be worth it, because Christ is, don’t give up guys! I know it’s easier said than done. God bless.
I am a married woman. 30 yrs old. I never thought I would have this struggle again, but I am once again having to constantly come to the Lord and ask him to help me through my desires. I am simply the one with the higher sex drive, I desire that intimacy daily, whereas my husband is literally ok with never. He is 28😭When we do, we can never get to a regular point because he says he feels “depleted”. We are both healthy and in shape, minimal stress with our jobs, we have been beyond blessed. I just don’t get it. Let this be a warning though. The devil is crafty. Before we came to Christ we fornicated and I would say were perfectly matched in our frequency and very fulfilled. I tell you the purpose of marriage is above all else is to make you “holy”, don’t rely on marriage to fix your happiness that can only come from God. Also, is anyone else beyond sick of hearing how this is a male issue? It makes me feel like a freak of nature. Being rejected sexually is quite possibly one of the most hurtful things you can experience because of the nature of vulnerability in such a deep personal need. Another thing I’ve learned is that frequency should be agreed upon before marriage and you work on making that a priority. Sorry if that sounds mechanical, but I have never once had sex with my husband without intimacy. He refuses to “schedule” sex because he fears a lack of intimacy, but I reassure him that just coming together will create that intimacy. Also, what everyone needs to hear who is battling this struggle is that this is such a worthy fight! You will regret SO much bringing the baggage of fornication and porn addiction into a new marriage and also creating a huge issue within a marriage. My husband and I have shameful sexual pasts before we knew the Lord and the hurt and pain we caused ourselves and each other is immense even after 2 yes of marriage and the assuredness that we are forgiven. No matter what, it is never worth it!
God bless you for sharing such insights. I pray that God will touch your husband’s heart and bring him to the point of desiring you as much as you desire him and that you’ll satisfy each other always.l
Hey there! Please pray to God for restoration of everything the devil stole, the sexual compatibility in your marriage.
When you fornicated you opened the door for him in your sexual life , so he stole and destroyed because that’s what the thief does.
But the word of God says if the thief is found, he shall restore what he stole 7 fold. So now that you know it’s the devil.
– Repent again together with your husband or do it on behalf of both of you since you are one body
-ask God to heal both of you from repurcussions of that sin and bless your marriage
-and take authority and demand the devil to restore the sexual compatibility , etc everything you know you both had while fornicating but you no longer have
– and then believe you have received it and thank God for it.
because God has given you the authority to walk over serpents and scorpions and all demonic power, so use that authority and take back what was/is yours with interest! May God bless your marriage!
Your husband could have psychological or emotional issues or if it’s just physical it could be hormonal imbalance too. In mass agriculture they use a chemical called Atrazine which in nature animals have changed to opposite sexes,birds,frogs. The “god” of this world is using people to do this agenda then put in place an agenda in schools and social media. You can look this up by using Brave Browser,mainstream Technocratic browser’s will not want you to see knowledge from government research on biological research. S friend of mine experienced this right in front of me with his phone.
Have you ever looked at Dr. Doug Weiss’s YouTube channel? He’s the best counselor I’ve heard yet on these issues in marriage, and he’s coming from a Christian perspective. He even coined the term Intimacy Anorexia to describe a withdrawal from sex after marriage and how to deal with it. Very well researched. I would definitely check him out.
I’m in my late 40s now and am still waiting for the man I can serve the Lord best with. I find it really hard dealing with my sex drive. It’s sometimes a huge struggle and I have given in to masturbation and also pornography many times. I’m just hoping I won’t have to battle these temptations for the rest of my life. God has instilled this desire for a companion and for physical intimacy in me, but for some reason He has seen fit not to fulfil my desire up till now. But I pray that He will act on my behalf soon!
I live in hell because after menopause my sexual desire came back like I was a teenager. My husband left for another woman and I spent the next 16 years caring for parents. I haven’t found anyone to marry and I shouldn’t have to just so I can have sex. I heard another elderly woman call into a Catholic radio show to ask what do I do with these feelings but received no answer. I’m beginning to think there is no answer. I have tried to do the will of the Lord, begged him to take these desires away but he hasn’t. No amount of trying to think about something else makes a difference. It won’t stop in a week or longer until I get rid of it. Then I feel the hell I’m talking about. All the guilt from people who seem to have overcome this making me feel weak. Seems like my life goes bad after I sin as if I’m being punished for something beyond my control. I don’t think about sex or read anything it just happens. It’s biological. I don’t want to go to hell either but I can’t live thinking about sex all the time if I don’t get rid of it. None of what I read helps me.
With sexual intercourse comes a lot of responsibility. Focus on your studies for now.
thanks for this.. im a single 20 yr old girl, i never had bfs coz my familys against it but since i was a child, as in before even reaching teen age, its my desire to have a sexual intercourse, but ofc i dont. but now its growing stronger, the desire even if im not yet done in college. i hope this will stop, but its growing more intense, at the same time, i dont wanna go to hell.
I’ve been very faithful to God and finally I thought I found the woman of my dreams and we were both virgins. You have me a man of 27 and her a woman of 24. I never asked her even one time for sex but what does everyone in hear think happened? Two people who have gone that long without giving in and suddenly we meet each other. Of course your going to screw around the mind is to curious to not wonder how does this work. Yes we thought deep down that we would get married but she couldn’t handle the rest because of a disability and her sex drive was way up there and I denied her several times but it started to scare me that if I couldn’t satisfy her she would leave. Well guess what while I fell in love because I knew what I wanted she did not. She was very scared of the outside world that didn’t exist outside her comfort zone aka her house. She broke up with me over a text. What now. All I wanted was to be there for her but any time she had any type of skin to skin contact with me I automatically knew where it was leading to. Turns out while I loved her she was just infatuated with me. I just want to love a woman whose morals are good and pure. I told her I waited 27 years few more would not of killed me but I gave in am I ashamed no. Does it feel like my virginity was stolen yes.
We are on the same page,am 20 also my parents don’t even want me to have a male friend not to talk of boy friend..I feel this sexual urge and I hate it because I don’t want to sin ,this sexual urge is very hard to control,and even when I want to love someone I feel it’s a sin because my dad said we should not,I can’t even have a Godly relationship with a boy.i really want to serve God and my parents rules are putting making me feel locked up
Before I don’t care,that is when I was still in sin,but now I care because the Bible says obey your parents…am just in confusion
But reading people’s comment here helped me alot.
I thought I was the only one going through this on Earth
To anyone reading this: first off, be healthy and have sex only with who you want to and when you want to. Second, anyone who tells you that God “wants you to be married” to have sex is, frankly, a lying sack of crap. Nowhere does it say that. Sexual shame is a tool for people to control you and it is unhealthy. Just be accountable to your own heart, soul, and head. You can believe in something bigger than yourself and still control your sexual destiny—it isn’t either or.
Your opinion matters to yourself. you were not forced, neither were you obliged to leave a message on here.
I am just curious. how do you know that ” anyone who tells you that God “wants you to be married ” to have sex is, frankly a lying sack of crap”.
Does that mean that what you profess to be the truth could also be a lie to others?
Settle yourself and opinion, go have sex if you like. The gospel was preached and those who have an ear and know it is the truth will follow. Others who believe it is a lie then so be. To each their own.
Alison, you can’t be more wrong. In fact, your advice leads to destruction.
Go back and read the Bible because I’m sure you never have. Sex outside marriage is a sin even if you’re having it with just one person and you’re faithful to that person. All these new age infiltrations into Christianity are satans’s trick to turn us from God’s truth.
Our sexual desire is a blessing from God. We must learn to control it as we learn to control other urges. You may think sexual urges are the strongest but for some people, some urges are stronger than sex believe it or not.
I’ll rather go through the struggle of overcoming sexual sin while I wait to get married than satisfy my flesh now and lose my friendship with God.
Stop preaching the devil’s message to mislead people please. The consequence from God will be grave.
Marriage between one man and one woman was created and existed before human sin entered the world. “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him…Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
(Genesis 2:18, 24). Sexual intercourse is the tie that binds a new family, a new mother and a new father: God’s design for family. Children were designed to need both a mother and a father, and scientific research proves this is the truth. Sexual intimacy keeps the “non-biological” family united the way motherhood and fatherhood biologically binds them to the offspring. Jesus quoted the second chapter of Genesis when he was preaching about marriage (Matthew 19:1)
Its not easy overcoming this stuff but with God it is very easy. He is our strength. I am 31 and these feeling hey keep becoming high everyday! I want to be married.
If you want to have sex, have sex. God doesn’t care about your marital status. A bunch of controlling people want you to think that, though. No shame. Marriage is made up by man—not God.
I just left a similar comment to someone else because they too said what you said, to get married to control your sexual desires.
That is NOT why you get married. That is literally THE WORST REASON. And just because two people are married does not mean they owe each other sex. Just because you’re married DOES NOT mean you have to have sex. I hope you get married for all the right reasons and to the best person before any of that..