Avoiding Treatment-Induced Trauma and Finding the Help You Really Need
It can be harder than you think to find a counselor who really gets the trauma you have suffered as a partner of a porn or sexual addict. Learn what to look for, what questions to ask, and what to do when you keep hitting road blocks.
I get e-mails daily from women all over the world asking if I can refer them to a good sex addiction counselor in their area. Since they are asking me I know that means they have been to my website or read one of my articles and are looking for someone who will recognize and validate their trauma while not labeling them a “co-sex addict.” Helping people find good therapists could become a full time job for me. Unfortunately, I am not a referral service and there is a helpless feeling that I can’t assist every person who comes to me. I hope this article will give partners the information they need to locate the right therapist for them.
What is a “Co-Sex Addict”?
Unfortunately, in spite of studies showing that 70% of wives of sex addicts meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), most sex addiction counselors are still working from the co-addict model.
The co-addict model says a person who is married to a sex addict is sick, out of control, addicted to their spouse, and implies she is partially to blame for his behavior, simply because she chose to marry a sex addict, even though the vast majority of the time she did not even know he was an addict.
Symptoms of PTSD have been shown to mimic symptoms of co-addiction, but still most therapists are sticking to this outdated model which is doing great harm to partners. So does that mean there is no hope in finding a good counselor to help a woman whose world has been turned upside down by the discovery of her husband’s pornography or sexual addiction? No. But it may prove to be more challenging than it should be. Below are some tips I hope you will find helpful in finding a counselor who will offer you the validation and guidance you need and deserve.
7 Tips for Wives of Sex Addicts
1. Read the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. This will educate you on the sex-addiction induced trauma model. Then call around to therapists and ask if they are familiar with the book and subscribe to what it teaches.
2. If they say yes, and many will, probe further. Ask if they use the term co-addict to label partners of sex addicts, especially before they have even met them. (You can often find this on their website, which will help you rule out many therapists quickly.)
If they do sometimes diagnose clients as co-sex addict, and hopefully they don’t, ask if they evaluate them first or if that is the name they give all partners of sex addicts. Do they refer partners to COSA, S-Anon, or any other 12 step meetings? (Hopefully not.) If so, how often and why? 12 step meetings are almost always for addicts and codependent family members of addicts.
Many partners of addicts (such as drug addicts and alcoholics) do enable addictive behavior, turn a blind eye, allow their children to be put in harm’s way by not protecting them from the addict, etc. Some partners of sex addicts fit these criteria. But most partners had no idea their spouse was a sex addict for many years. They may have sensed something was not right, but had no way to prove what it was. Sex addiction is arguably the easiest addiction to hide, and addicts are very good liars and manipulators. You shouldn’t be told something is wrong with you because you didn’t know.
3. Check out the website PartnerTraumaSpecialists.org. This is the website for the fairly new organization, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS), of which I am a board member. At this time there are only a small number of counselors listed here. However, we have our first training coming up in June 2013, which will provide in depth training to therapists and coaches on treating partners from the sex addiction-induced trauma model. Trainings will be offered all over the country at least twice a year. As counselors complete the training and the required supervision hours to become certified in treating partners, their names will be added to the website.
4. Don’t be afraid to educate your therapist. Ask them to read the aforementioned book. Plead with them to participate in the APSATS training. They can read all about it on the website mentioned above and register there as well. The first training date is set for June 26-29, 2013 in Dallas, TX. This certification will not only give them the ability to offer partners of sex addicts better treatment, but it will make them highly marketable.
Since the release of the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, partners have been desperate to find professionals who work from this model. E-mails are pouring in asking for referrals to therapists who have been trained by APSATS. Once a therapist or life coach receives the certification their name and information will be listed on the APSATS website. Please help spread the word about this training. All are welcome to attend, even if they are not a clinician. Pastors and others in the ministry, as well as other helping professionals, will benefit as well. APSATS is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction- induced trauma.
5. If your husband is in recovery and you both want to stay married, ask if they support simultaneous couple’s and individual counseling. Many will say that you should both focus only on yourselves for the first several months or more and then deal with the marriage. In some cases, such as when the addict is very resistant to treatment or when he is abusive, this might be the best course of action. But most of the time, when an addict is highly motivated for recovery, you both will greatly benefit from marriage counseling which focuses on the effects of the sex addiction on the marriage. Addicts should be taught how to empathize and support his traumatized wife. Couples need guidance in how to interact with each other, set boundaries, and handle triggers early in recovery.
6. Ask the counselor what their opinion is on clinical disclosure. Sometimes referred to as therapeutic disclosure, full disclosure, or healthy disclosure, this is a crucial component in recovery for both the partner and the addict and for the marriage. Ask the therapist when they think clinical disclosure should be done, how much detail their disclosure includes, if you will be allowed to ask whatever questions you want, and if a polygraph test will be included. Ideally, for the couple who is working to save their marriage, clinical disclosure should be done very early in recovery (within one to three months).
Secrets fuel the addiction and prevent healing for the partner. After all, how can you heal when you don’t know exactly what you need to heal from? Addicts will almost always continue to lie about past behaviors, even while in recovery, while promising you that you know everything, without a full clinical disclosure (therapist guided) with polygraph to motivate them to be completely honest.
With some guidance from your therapist, you should be allowed to ask whatever questions you like during the disclosure. Important caveat: Your primary therapist does not have to be the one to do your disclosure. Many good sex addiction therapists don’t have training in clinical disclosure (ask this), don’t understand how to conduct a partner-friendly disclosure, or don’t use polygraph. Read on to learn about other options for disclosure.
7. If you find yourself hitting a lot of road blocks, consider phone or Skype counseling or coaching sessions. Check out JourneyToHealingAndJoy.com, ComfortChristianCounseling.com and SafePassagesCounseling.com. These are a few places that offer phone or Skype counseling/coaching sessions and/or support group that supports the trauma model and do not label you a co-sex addict.
No therapist is perfect, but I hope this information will help you find the perfect therapist for you. If you want to stay in your marriage and your husband is willing to get treatment for his sexual addiction, consider a couple’s intensive as soon as possible.
A partner-sensitive couple’s intensive, such as the one my husband and I offer, will include a full clinical disclosure with polygraph and place an emphasis on teaching the addict how to support his hurting wife while giving you both tools on how to move forward individually and together. Couples travel from all over the country to participate in our intensive. We can help you find a counselor to follow up with in your area after the intensive or communicate with the counselor you already have before, during, and after the intensive so everyone is on the same page. Visit ComfortChristianCounseling.com to learn more.
Photo credit: emdot
I’ve posted here before and don’t think I’ve ever got a response. I know this is an old post, but….Backstory: My husbands porn habit/addiction started in his early years of life. I also started viewing and seeking out porn at a young age. I was able to stop viewing it with God, my own research, repulsion, and willpower. Neither of us knew that the other had ever struggled with viewing it. It was especially after becoming a mom(2006) that I resolved to not allow porn to control my life any longer! I discovered my husband was viewing it on our family computer through the web history. I also found he was making profiles on adult friend finder while working out of town. I would also find images or searched images on his phone all the time. I confronted him about all of it. He was sorry, remorseful, said nothing but viewing ever happened. He said he would talk to the preacher at a church we started attending (by the advice of my aunt after I called her crying with my discoveries). He never spoke to the preacher about it. At that point in time he was my fiancé. I thought with church in our lives that he would magically stop and be a “better man”. We were baptized Sept 7, 2008 and married Sept 8, 2008. I couldn’t even have sex with him on our wedding night. Even thought I had been having sex with him for years. I asked that we try to salvage any purity we may have left by abstaining for a while until the marriage night. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to be with him. Of course, I’ve been with him many times since the that night. I have many times thought I made a terrible mistake in continuing life with him. It has been so stressful with all of the constant lies, deception, manipulation, etc. We now have 3 daughters. He wants to have his piece of free cake and eat it too. I just wish someone had time to read of listen to my whole story lol. I need to write a book. I’m hoping I can find a therapist that will listen and let me unload all of my crap.
Ashley,
Thank you for being open and honest in sharing your struggles. Thanks be to God that we can place our hope and trust in Christ for complete healing and renewal. Have you been able to fellowship and confide in leaders and other women in your church? I have found that there are few things more encouraging and life-changing than surrounding myself with fellow believers who can counsel me in biblical wisdom. A therapist is also an excellent part of recovery, and many of our readers have benefited greatly from therapy. I would urge you to not lose hope and to keep fighting for your marriage. May God bless you in your trials!
Blessings,
Moriah
My husband is set up to see a counselor in our area. She has sex addiction listed as a specialty or whatever. I’m not sure she is the right one for him, but was the only one that had that listed. There is a therapist in a neighboring city that uses EDMR or whatever I have seen talked about on here. I am trying to set up an appointment with her. Should we both see the one in the other city? She also uses the Gottman method for couples. Maybe you can help me.
Hi Ashley!
Ultimately, it is your decision to choose a counselor that will meet your needs best. Our tips are only suggestions, although we do encourage biblical based therapy. Each situation is different, and I hope that you are able to find a counselor who can benefit your marriage!
Blessings,
Moriah
What a wonderful site. I have to say that I agree 100% that women are not at fault for failing to see the darker side of their spouses. That said, these men turn into predators and certainly know the weaknesses of their prey. Women lacking family support because of distance or otherwise, and/or who have been bullied as children, are a common characteristic in every woman I know with this problem. Maybe it’s coincidental, maybe not. Holding Jesus as our anchor is the only way to survive and heal from this. With God all things are possible.
I married late in life (at 49) and my husband led me to believe that he was a Christian. It has been 12 years of habitual lying on his part, pornography use, sexual addiction and currently an online affair with a woman on Second Life (a horrendously evil website). Obsessive texting, etc. He is hooked. He was sexually abused by his father as a child, and I realize now, has had an addiction LONG before we met. I’m certain (and God knows, for His eyes are in every place) he has been having multiple affairs through one means or another throughout the marriage. He lies habitually as if it were a normal and correct way to act, and there is absolutely NO remorse, no apologies, nothing. He is not dealing in reality.I am now 61, worn out, stressed out, burned out. I know he will not stop. It is time for me to return to LIFE after a 12-year mistake. I am returning to Jesus alone as my (Divine) Husband. I want to live. My husband made his choice; I am now making mine.
I am so sorry, Katherine. What a terribly painful reality you’re facing. As painful as that reality is, I’m glad you are able to see it and be released from the bondage your husband creates for himself. Thank you for sharing your commitment to life and freedom with us. May you find healing and hope! Kay
My heart is beating a mile a minute reading your stories ladies realizing that I am not alone. Last year I discovered my husband’s same sex sexual addiction to pornography, websites, he had a second telephone I wasn’t aware of and lots of pictures of men. He was involved in a long distance involvement with a man who years earlier unbeknownst to me engaged in oral sex at a convention. I was completely devastated. We’ve been married for 17 years and early on in our relationship I discovered he was attracted to men but he promised me that it was in his past. I’ve lived a life with very little intimacy with fear and anxiety. Once I made the discovery he told me that he was molestated at an early age by a family member which led him down this cycle of dysfunction. He is currently seeking intense therapy at a treatment facility in another state. This has been an absolutely awful experience that I know is far from over and I’m sure that I am know where near the root of all the lies, betrayal and addiction. I’m currently in therapy with a wonderful therapist. I’m not sure what else I need to be supported and healed but I know I need more. I’m having an out of body experience reading all your stories and realizing that I am/have suffered from PTSD. Thank you all for sharing your stories and offer of advice its been so helpful to me. God bless us all to heal and find peace!
If you recognize PTSD symptoms within yourself (and so many women do), then you’ll be interested in the research and writing of Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. His book, The Body Keeps the Score, is the best of the best when it comes to understanding PTSD and what effective treatment looks like. You might also want to check into the resources at Bloom for Women, where they do take a trauma-informed approach to all their support for women recovering from relationship betrayal.
Dear Gail, I am in much the same position you are. When I asked my husband if he thought our problems were as great as our still drinking alcoholic friend and his wife, his answer was “no.” He then asked me, “Do you think they are?” And of course I said “yes.” He didn’t get it. We got counseling from a trauma based therapist almost ten years ago. He did his work and she and I both thought he was in recovery. Now it has raised it’s ugly head with a vengeance. It is betrayal and wounding all over again. He refuses to share with honesty so I am left to my crummy thoughts. We are continuing to work with our therapist both individually and together. I am grateful for a guest room in our house which has allowed me to feel safer. I work a 12-step program, available in our small town. My sponsor has a family member who divorced over a sexual addictive spouse, so she is aware of some of what I deal with. Like you, today, I am ready to head into a new direction. I am 73 and any move I make can’t be too far into the future…while I can still lift furniture!! I feel that much of the joy has gone out of my life and I’m not ready to give it up. I am finding POSARC and the work of Dr. Barbara Steffens very supportive. I will keep you in my prayers.
Lela, thank you for sharing your story with us. And thank you for your amazing example of hard work and good boundaries. Thank you for not giving in and giving up. Thank for your showing us all how to fight for truth and peace in our lives. Blessings to you, Kay
What if you realize you married a child and not an adult? This is something, among so many other things, I have tried to stuff down, and reverse the role of the husband being a covering for me, have spent 41 of marriage covering for him, making excuses for childlike behavior etc. Once, in the first 3 yrs. of marriage there was a misdemeanor offense arrest involving a child, (which now would be considered a felony.) His extended family knew about it as well as our Pastor and church family. I was subjected to intense public humiliation including having our Pastor at the time of my husband’s arrest, telling me to give him sex whenever & wherever he wants even on the kitchen table, (his words). So, of course, I blamed myself for not being enough, Being a private person by nature, I’ve always tried to take care of private issues privately. I like to think things all the way through to end results including possible and inevitable repercussions before telling anyone anything. Probably now in retrospect not the best choice. Having to go through the legal process with him at the time, I vaguely remember the professional evaluation they gave my husband with the result that he had the mind of a 15 yr. old. He didn’t finish highschool, and I knew that befor emarriag eand also tried to fix that many times.
Any way, pornography, infidelities have all been part of the scene. Much emotional devastation on my part, much crying on his part, ( he of course blames the devil for making him do it and says, well God made me like this). I’m embarrassed to even write this. I can no longer make excuses for him at my mental, physical and emotional expense. I can no longer differentiate between what he calls love or “needing” me to make his life happen for him in a functional way. I do everything. He appreciates it he says, but doesn’t want to be told what to do even whenit mostly wrong..I’ve learned to let a lot slide.
This last week I noticed he was carrying his cell everywhere and was always around the corner texting…he started taking walks for excercise, (never does) and was always on the phone during these walks. Shorten the story to me being able to retrieve the number from his phone without him knowing it and tracing the address in CA to a FB friend. A Christian woman 18 yrs. younger than I. I was able to read a couple of the over 500 texts in 2 weeks and it’s clear it’s a online affair. Haven’t confronted him yet. Meanwhile he has been saying he loves me and do I want to take a drive or a trip….? This may not be what he wants in his life, but clearly it’s still an addiction. He was in an addiction recovery group for men at our church. He went 5 weeks and said he was cured. Seriously, at this point I find the whole mess exhausting! After being “the rock” for so long, I just want him to recover somewhere else and come back changed or not come back. I just don’t think it’s healthy for me to be the brunt & blame for his shortcoming and or addictions anymore. I just don’t want to have to endure the fallout in front of family and friends. I would tell no one and he would call everyone to try to involve them. Exhausted! Our 3 daughters don’t know the extent of this at all.
Thank you for writing this and for the work you have done. My husband confessed to being a sex addict with years of infidelity in 2010. At the time much of the resources I could find used the co-addict concept. I could not accept that. I have “issues” from my family of origin, however I think much of those were being handled rather well. I was a rather high functioning individual. My husband had a secret identity. What he had portrayed himself to be was far from a person who was capable of deception and repeated infidelities. The infidelities were exclusively while out of town on business. Although my intuition told me things were off, it was impossible for me to know what had been happening. The revelation that my whole life had been a lie, that this person I chose because of his integrity had betrayed me was crushing to me. Devastating. I became a shell of the person I once was. I had almost all of the symptoms of PTSD. Had you have met me for the first time then, you would have thought I had to be “sick” also; you would not have believed I was once successful and engaged in life. I have fought hard to recover. At the 5.5 year mark I feel like I have accomplished much in this area. However, there are days that are still very painful. At about 2 years into recovery, I just couldn’t read another word about sex addiction or recovery. Tonight is the first time I have searched for new information. I was so relieved to find your articles. Perhaps I can find some help to reduce the frequency and severity of my painful days. Thank you for your work.
Hi Cindy. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage. I think you’ve shared a common reality: if our spouses want to lie and hide things from us, they can. I had a very similar experience; I knew things were off emotionally in the relationship, but there was no way to address it until my husband was prepared to be honest. And then the aftermath of the honesty was emotional devastation.
I wonder if you’ve come across the work of Dr. John Gottman? I’ve found his research to be incredibly insightful when it comes to building a healthy, successful marriage. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a great resource. And a while back, I wrote an article based on his concept of how emotional trust is built. I definitely understand getting to that place of not wanting to hear about sex addiction any more, but still needing to work on the relationship.
Blessings, Kay
Hello, I would like to remain anonymous if that is okay. I am only 21 years old and my husband and I have been married almost two years. We have an eight month old daughter. Our relationship was so perfect, up until I was about eight months pregnant. I was hormonal and we got into an argument. Long story short, I told him I was getting a divorce and in return, he slept with a stranger in our bed. I found out soon after and gave him another chance. It has been almost a year since that has happened. I have caught him numerous times watching pornography. A few days ago I even found out about him having sex with a stranger from a dating website while I was nine months pregnant whenever he went away for work for a month. Also, we got into our first argument since we had our baby a week ago and I told him to leave the house and he again got on a hookup/dating website and almost met up with a girl to have sex. When he gets caught, of course he is apologetic. He cries, this and that. Yet he continues to do this. I have always felt that he had an addiction to sex, but after reading about it the past few days I am almost certain that is what it is. He was sexually molested for years as a child by a loved one. I believe this has a lot to do with the addiction. I know he loves me, and our family. He does not want anyone else besides me. I know this. He just claims that whenever I threaten him with divorce or leave him, he feels abandoned and lonely and seeks out sexual attention, because it makes him feel ‘needed’. We spent all night last night reading about sex addiction and he said it was ‘scary’ how accurate it all was and that it explains him perfectly. He is attending a SAA support group through a church this week and then we are going to find him a counsellor to help him. I just need some sort of hope, or someone to talk to, or somewhere to turn to. A light at the end of the tunnel if you will. Please, anybody. I am so lost and hopeless at this point. My heart is absolutely broken and I just need help.
Hey there. Wow, I am really impressed with the two of you, for being able to look at this problem with some perspective, and see it for what it is. I agree with the diagnosis the two of you came up with, and it sounds like he’s more than willing to attend a group and start working on his issues. That is really an excellent start. Very encouraging.
I think it is equally important that you get help in processing your emotions and making healthy choices as well. The wife’s needs often get overlooked, and that stunts recovery. So, find a personal counselor in your area. Attend a group like S Anon, Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, or Pure Desire. While he’s taking responsibility for himself and his recovery, you take responsibility for yourself and your recovery. Get well together. It absolutely can be done. Blessings, Kay
I am sorry to hear of your pain. I have lived it too. I encourage you if you can to check this link out. It is a workshop called “Women in the Battle”. It is specifically for victims of me who have sexual integrity issues. http://newlife.com/women-in-the-battle-workshop
Kay,Thank you for your response.. we’ve done counseling in the past.. both as a couple and individually, and not one ever even ventured to say my husband has a problem or CALL him a sexual addict. NOT one. It actually was me who figured it out and called him out on it.. none of the counselors helped either.
The fear of judgement, ridicule, or rejection is too big right now. There are people who do know and not one of them offers any compassion towards me.. they feel sorry for him.
I’m so sorry, Lori. I think we are so messed up about sex. And women tend to take the blame so many times in abuse and addiction problems in marriage! I wish I didn’t keep seeing that, but it’s almost inevitable. I just hope you can find a safe place for you–S Anon, Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch. You need support!!! And there are safe people out there, who will understand and help you through. You just haven’t found them yet, but please don’t give up!