Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
I have been hearing more and more stories like this lately, of engaged couples struggling with this issue. I am considering adding a new 3 day intensive to the ones we already do with married couples, specifically for engaged couples. For those who qualify, and their would be stringent qualification requirements, a couple could start their lives together with a foundation of truth (disclosure with polygraph would be included) as well as tools for building a healthy marriage where one partner is a recovering porn/sex addict. I’d love some feedback on this. You can read more about the intensive we offer now at http://www.comfortchristiancounseling.com
I wish you would. My wedding date is set for next summer, to a man I’ve been with for 7 years. I don’t know if I can go through with it now. This is a man I thought was God’s gift to me after an abusive, alcoholic 15 year marriage. Imagine my surprise when I grabbed his iPad to do something and found he’s been answering classifieds, posting pictures of him ejaculating in various places in our home, when he has been unable to have sex with me for over 6 months. He claimed it was stress – and he was under a bunch of it…so I believed him. He says he has not met these women but there are conversations and personal pornographic photos shared between them. He says he didn’t cheat on me. Really? Then why look for a woman to share that with locally? An affair would almost be better! I could compete with 1 woman, I cannot compete with EVERY woman!! I am so hurt. When I found out I left open a picture he posted, of himself masterbating and ejaculating in MY bathroom, open on his iPad, with my engagement ring on it, and I left the house. I came home and he had left, taken his 2 porn computers/iPad and left my engagement ring. Priorities right? He didn’t contact me for 5 hours and even then not to apologize or explain. He basically said he had a problem and would be in contact with a counselor on Monday so what did I want for the next 2 days. Really? Like making a counseling appointment makes it all ok and you can just come back Mon like nothing is wrong???!!! Like not being physically able to even have sex with me for 6 months is ok when he’s masterbating to and for these women online DURING THE SAME TIME FRAME? I’m supposed to ever trust him? I can’t even trust him to even go to the BATHROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I feel….defiled, unloved, unwanted. We used to have an active sex life so I never thought masterbating or porn was an issue. Clearly I was so wrong! As I read these comments, I see the same despair I feel. I see the same lack of the men acknowledging how it affects the wives/girlfriends. I see “recovered” addicts who are still having huge issues 3 years later, relapsing, not having sex with the wives. And I can only wonder…not just why but what, what am I supposed to do. I don’t want to have to filter and keystroke log spyware on all his devices. He’s tech support for his work and on call 24 hrs so I can’t make him shut off his phone, and I can’t take away his porn access (other than filters but that does that restrict these classified personal ads). Clearly there is something wrong with me – to get 2 addicts in a row. I tried for a long time to “help” my ex-husband manage his alcoholism and porn issues. I don’t know that I can go through that again. I understand the compartmentalization part of a man’s brain but that doesn’t make it feel any less like a lie to me. I cannot accept that the man who takes me places, pretends to show me off, wants to hold my hand, and tells me I am beautiful not only can’t have sex with me, but IS HAVING SEX WITH HIMSELF AND THESE WOMEN REGULARLY via sexting, chat rooms, various porn sites – and worse to me, sharing his own personal photos in the home we share, which I saw in the background. I have gone between extreme anger and extreme despair. The little contact we’ve had, via text because he isn’t even man enough to call me or come talk to me, he seems focused on himself, his shame, admitting he has a problem. But he says it is not cheating and seems to be oblivious to my pain. I bet if I asked him if it was ok then for me to post naked pictures of me masterbating and coming to orgasm, from our bed, from our bathroom, if that would be ok – because it isn’t cheating right? I bet that answer would not mesh with what he’s telling me. I am ready to pull the venue deposit. I don’t want him to touch me. I can’t imagine ever seeing him naked without picturing those photos he took for other women when he couldn’t sleep with me. I had a panic attack and felt like I was dying when I found the pictures. I was gasping for air, my heart rate tripled in the second it took the image to load. How can I ever look at him naked and not see that? How can I ever have sex with him and not wonder who/what he’ thinking about. So while I think it is great he’s admitting he has a problem – he’s not admitting how it affects me. And even if he does acknowledge my pain…will it ever be enough? I haven’t read one positive review of post treatment. No one has said, hey he went through treatment and life is grand now, he’s fixed, his brain is rewired back the right way and I feel loved and value. Anyone have that? Because short of that….I don’t think I can do this. I am dying inside, and falling apart outside. Suggestions, comments? Thanks.
Hello Distantone,
What your boyfriend is doing to you is terrible…inexcusable. Don’t let the lie creep in that this is somehow you fault. You were not the one chatting with women online. He was. You were not the one masturbating to porn. He was.
I wrote an article a couple weeks ago about how a husband can really regain his wife’s trust, and sadly, you are right, I get a lot of comments from women about how that is exactly what they need, but not a lot of comments from men. I think there are a lot of men out there who are simply unwilling to do the hard work of changing. Porn has emasculated them, and they are blind to what it is costing them.
Is it cheating? Yes. As much as any form of lust is cheating—and more so because for your boyfriend has made it into a habit and has involved many women.
Will your boyfriend see it that way? Perhaps not. But regardless of the label he puts on it, he needs to come to the realization that you see it as cheating. Would he want you chatting with men online, showing off intimate parts of your body while you masturbated for them? Would he want you chatting sexually with men online and then being so sexually tapped you couldn’t offer him any affection? No. Call that what you want, but to any sane person that sounds like cheating.
Both of you have a fair amount of work to do, if you plan on sticking it out with him. Read that article I linked to and see if it brings some clarity about what he needs to do. He obviously has a serious problem that he needs to address and you need to ask if you are willing to walk that road with him.
I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I highly recommend you download this free book. It may help you understand him and your own heart at this time.
So he read this article, he followed links on his own and offered to do the filters and accountability and go through the steps to regain trust. He seemed off…he was saying he was sorry but his demeanor was anger, he wasn’t sad, he was mad he got caught – but was saying all the right things. So I told him I needed the full truth if I was going to move forward. I asked him directly if he had ever met any of the women or had sex with anyone. “No. No. No.” for 2 hours. So I told him to be able to trust him I had to see his posts, what he was telling these women. There were dozens of websites with his profile “actively seeking play partner” and the photos I had already seen. There was a post about him wanting to be with someone, but not that he had met her. Something still didn’t sit right and I asked again about physical cheating…”No. No.” I think, if at that moment he would have not been defensive and angry but had been crying with me and holding me, apologizing and explaining not what he’s going to have to do about the his part of the problem but how he was going to work on US & the problem, I would have been able to move forward. I was ready too move forward even without that….until the next click. I found not only has he been meeting women but he’s been setting up appointments from out of town to meet women in hotels, taking them my wine and other gifts, and some of the women have been prostitutes. Just seconds after asking him to fully come clean and tell me what else he had been lying about I found 2 posts with clear evidence he had met them, and clear evidence he had already slept with them. This apparently has been going on for over a year. He wasn’t sad, he didn’t even apologize! He defended, “It was just once and it was over a year ago!” My heart is shattered into thousands of tiny pieces I don’t know if it will ever be fixed. I love him so much and thought we had such a good relationship, even sexually. I lost my best friend, my companion, my lover, my supporter and encouragement – the only person who knew the whole real me and loved me anyway. Needless to say, the wedding is off. I could not continue to look because I know there was more. I know there are videos of either him alone or him and one of the women. I know there are sites, like the upload your own porn video site, that he tried to get me to avoid checking by saying he just looked there and didn’t say or do anything. So I KNOW there is more. I could forgive once, I could probably forgive more if he had told the truth and was actually sorry about the pain he caused me, instead of just being sorry he got caught. Because I know it will happen again, we are over. It’s killing me. We did everything together and our memories surround me. But I can’t take this journey with him if he can’t even admit the truth of what he’s doing, it will cost me more pain in the end. I appreciate the comments and article here, they do help. I know mentally it is not me or my fault – I just have to internalize that. It doesn’t matter that I was available and am not a prude but would do, and have done the things he wants with him – FREE AND I LOVED HIM, but he chose to be with them or himself instead to the point where he can’t even maintain an erection with me. That is not my fault. That is a consequence of his choices. I know that in my head. Once it reaches my heart and I quit feeling stupid, worthless, and unlovable – it will get better, but I have the head knowledge from here. Thank you to everyone who posts. And I hope that things are actually working out right for someone, some family.
I am considering using the web tracking program because I have caught him so many times he has gotten really good at covering his tracks. I wonder though…. if I get it, can he see it? It won’t work if he knows its there because he will just use a different device. It’s been 9 years of this hell and he is on his last chance. I have laid it all out there and have told him what the plan will be if I catch him lying to me one more time.
Covenant Eyes really isn’t built as a “spying” program, but as a means for chosen accountability. If you install it, it would be visible to him.
i have been looking for some advice for quiet sometime now…my boyfriend and i have been together for sometime now and he admitted to me that he has an addiction to porn after I found dating sites on my computer. Apparently he has been addicted to porn since he was a boy and now at 21 it has carried into our relationship. He looked at it for some time, going on dating websites, asking girls for their number or their skype to send pictures back and forth. He said that he never let anyone see his privates which i somewhat believed because when i first found out about it, he had a picture of some other male priviates in the photo album. The first time I caught him we put covenant eyes on both of our computers which helped for a little bit then the second time I caught him we went to seek some professional help. Now that I caught him this time he doesn’t want to receive help since he says he has looking at porn less and less but lies about it when I ask him if he does look at it. He says that he will tell me but I have to try to be supportive and understanding. He even gave me his ipod so he wouldn’t be tempted but I kind of just threw it back at him. I’m not sure what to do, I just keep crying and thinking that I’m not good enough for him. We both have planned on getting married and having our life together but I dont know if its even worth it anymore. I do love him and want to help him but i just dont know how.
I have been married to my husband for over 25 years now. He started looking at porn as a little boy. About 10 years ago I found porn on our computer. Then I came home unexpectedly during church, he was home. The camera was at the front of the desk pointed down. I asked if he was doing things on sex sites in front of the camera. He was angry (for getting caught) and said for me to stop accusing him. I asked him, I didn’t accuse. Still he is spending alot of time at work on his laptop while sitting in his truck for seven hours. He can’t masterbate because people come to his truck frequently. I know he chats with people, looks at craigslist, and I believe he is meeting up with people. I am so hurt because of his lying and cheating. I would pack and leave to go 1400 miles home but our youngest of four children is only ten and she loves her daddy so much. He is so wonderful to me and we have sex daily, sometimes more. We went through a time when we only had sex once a week then I found out about an affair. He completely denied and said she was a friend like a little sister (10 years younger). Hiding her phone number in his phone under a man’s name. ( I called her phone at midnight when she was in bed with her husband. I blocked my number when I called. I angrily said, “Stay the HXXX away from him.” Then I hung up. Things started falling apart after that between my husband and her. I was hurt and angry but knew I hadn’t paid him enough attention and we had disconnected. I chose to stay and be a better wife. He is still doing the porn, dating sites, chats, etc and denies and lies about all of it. If I’m being sexier, having sex daily with him, why does he need or want other women. I don’t understand. If you aren’t married, I know you care about him, but care about yourself. Don’t put up with it for 25 years and become an emotional cripple. The “happy face” gets more difficult to put on every day.
I just found out my fiance and father of my child has been watching porn a few times a DAY. This alone came as a shock to me since he ALWAYS denied watching it. Then i found out he took it a step further & went on craigslist & tried MEETI G people. He contacted over 160 people alg with posted his own things (telling girls what he liked and even wemt as far as saying they could come over!) He still says he never met anyone or did anything physical, but how can i believe that? He says that because he watched porn so much this is what it led to. Im absolutely heartbroken and devastated, how can you say you love someone & then do this to them?
How heartbreaking! I strongly encourage you to find counseling, both to help him break free from his addiction and to help you heal from this betrayal. (I believe Dr. Doug Weiss offers free half-hour phone counseling sessions as a place to start.)
If you haven’t already, you should download Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives for practical tips on what to do next. You should also read Hope After Porn, which contains the stories of four wives in your situation.
To confused …After 11 years of marriage, I have just gone through the same thing, I cant trust him anymore and dont think I ever will ! He also sent messages on craigslist, but denies meeting them. I dont believe him because the messages suggested meeting. I am so confused, sad, heartbroken, lost – I dont know what to do.
Hi Heartbroken,
You are right to distrust your husband. He’s shown intent to cheat on you. He need to regain your trust. Trust is something that can be lost and re-earned, but it cannot just be blindly given.
Have you talk to him about stopping the use of Craigslist and other sites like that?
Hi Luke,
It has been 2 weeks since I found out and he is trying EVERYTHING to make our marriage work. He is embarrassed about what he has done and asked me to give him a chance. He has not gone onto Craigslist since and is really trying hard to make me happy even leaves his phone on the table when he gets home and started reading books again. We have had some good chats about it and he understands how I feel. I think its going to take allot of time to trust him EVER again, but he is willing to listen and doesn’t get offensive when I tell him my fears – which are all day everyday ! I told him that the main reason for staying and giving him a chance is my children, they don’t deserve to be put through a divorce because of his addiction. I am happy to say he has stopped (touch wood) so far… time will tell.
I feel very embarrassed just writing this comment, but I feel as if I’m at my wits end. My boyfriend (soon to be husband) has struggled with porn addiction for many years. It didn’t become apparent until roughly a year into the relationship when I became very frustrated with the lack of sex and discovered he was masturbating to porn daily. We brought everything out in the open and he agreed that it was unfair to me and that he would do better.
Several months later, it reared its ugly head again and while trying to still be understanding, I told him I could not stay with him unless he was willing to seek help to overcome it. He began seeing a councilor and things really changed for the better. We began having sex much more frequently and he had no trouble maintaining an erection (which was always a problem before).
In the past couple of months, the frequency of sex dipped once again and I just knew the porn issue had come back. He received a phone call on his cell a couple of days ago for me and after I ended the call, I saw the he had been watching porn on his phone. Even though I knew it had to be going on, I was so devastated to see this once again. I know that he loves me, and I love him dearly. He is very good to me in every other way, but he knows how much this hurts me and that a substandard sex life isn’t enough for me. I have a strong sex drive and it bothers me to no end that I can never initiate sex and that the few times we do has to always be when he’s in the mood and on his terms.
I feel like my trust in him is completely broken as he has gone back on his word so many times now. I’m really at a lost as to what I should do next. I can’t imagine life without him, but I refuse to commit myself to a sex-less marriage and to a man who cannot keep his word. I feel hurt, humiliated and disappointed that we are once again back to this issue.
What can we do differently to overcome this once and for all? I really feel like this is something that needs to be resolved for good before we get married.
Laura, re-read Jacki’s story above. See her comment that he “came with this problem”? Love is not enough. It does not conquer all. You will most likely not heed my advice but I’ll say it anyway. First, get a pre-nup and a polygraph, where he will give you a full clinical disclosure of all his past and current sexual behavior. Do this through a counselor who is experienced in using polygraphs for sexual addictions. Don’t try to do it alone by going straight to the polygraph examiner! As I have said before, we underestimate the power of this addiction. It usually takes hitting rock bottom, just like any other addiction, for a man to stop this behavior, and even then it sometimes isn’t enough, like Jacki’s husband losing his wife. Would you tell a woman whose boyfriend beat her to go ahead and marry him, even if he had a bad childhood, even if he went to a few counseling sessions to deal with his anger? No, not because he is evil, but because she would be signing up for a life of misery. The damage you will suffer from this addiction will be even worse. Addictions don’t go away with some counseling and maybe attending a few 12 step meetings. Willpower only lasts so long before the behavior comes back. I am not saying that recovery is not possible, but if you marry him with knowledge of the problem beforehand he will feel safe in the knowledge that you will never leave. Before considering marriage find out the following: Is he willing to make recovery a lifestyle for the rest of his life? Is he willing to have accountability partners the rest of his life that he keeps in constant contact with? Is he willing to let you put filters on all computers and electronic devices and leave them there the rest of your life? Would he be willing to take yearly polygraph tests? Is he willing to see a counselor for as long as it takes to work through all his issues? Does he agree to these things with no complaining, no push back? If so, then maybe there is hope. Still no guarantee. Wait at least a year to see if he follows through on all these things, consistently. Then have him take a follow up polygraph to verify he has really stopped the behaviors. Some say that polygraphs are no way to build trust. Chemical addictions have urine and blood tests. This is the equivalent. Polygraphs are the ONLY way to rebuild trust. Are you willing to accept that this problem NEVER goes away. Even if he is in recovery, once he stops active recovery (support groups and using tools he has learned to remain sexually pure) the behavior will eventually return. The Game Plan by Joe Dallas is a great book for both of you to read, if you choose to stick it out.
Hi, I just read what you posted and I felt I needed to respond..I grabbed my husbands phone on 2 different occasions and he had porn on it.when I confront him he either says he doesn’t know how it got there or he set me up. Im not stupid and hate being lied to!! We seem to only have sex when “he’s” in the mood but god forbid I’m I the mood and he’s too tired..so yea our sex life/intimacy has changed big time! I have a strong sex drive which he knows and when we got together he did too. If I try talking to him about sex he gets upset and defensive etc etc..I still love him but don’t know what to do cause when he’s using his phone and I enter the room he clicks out of whatever he’s viewing right away but tells me I’m crazy thinking up stuff and to stop accusing him of looking at something and that he doesn’t do anything wrong!! Don’t know what to do…
It sounds like your husband is about to be “found out” in a way that he can’t hide. It is really only a matter of time.
I might start by saying something like this, “I know you don’t want me nagging you about whether you look at porn or not, and I think we should be able to move past this. Obviously I’ve found things that make me suspect you are looking at porn, and if you aren’t, I’m thrilled. Here’s what I’d like to do. At any time you’re on the computer or your phone in the next 3 months, I want to be able to ask you for it and see what you’ve been looking at. You tell me you have nothing to hide, and that’s great. But this will really help me build my trust of you.”
If he has resistance, you could always ask him why. Tell him you just want to have a marriage without secrets, that couples maintain these kind of transparent relationships all the time.
In fact, we have men who use our Accountability Software and have Internet-use reports sent to their wives every week, just as a gesture that their lives are open books. Many women love this kind of openness and transparency. Tell him that you want that kind of marriage.
This might be a good first step towards unraveling this puzzle. Obviously more is needed to improve your sex life, but knowing about your husband’s use of porn will be a good place for you to start.
I just threw my husband of 20 years out for this and we will not be together again until he gets help, this time I totally went berserk busting up his little dvr and porn tapes, I love this man, but he is 65 and hasn’t given it up and it has been in our relationship and marriage forever!!!
Perhaps a little “berserk” is what he needed to see. I’m not condoning your rage, but I think more men need to know what they stand to lose. Sixty-five years is a long time to have a porn habit, but he needs to know that you have set some clear boundaries for him.
What he needs to do not is regain your trust, and that is going to take some very hard work on his part. He needs to know from you what regaining your trust looks like. What would he need to show you that would help you to know he was changing?
Hi, Laura. Just found this site.. Your story is almost identical to mine..did you marry him?
Do not marry this person – please – I would separate now and see what life brings to you – even if you give him another year to sort it out – the problem with this is that I he has to HATE the pornography
enough to begin to get healing- I rarely see this – wife of porn addict , married 27 years, a Christian , thousands spent on ministry.
I don’t know if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s four women, telling their stories. I like the fact that they all handle their boundaries in different ways, and yet they all have boundaries–that’s so important, I think. These days you’ll hardly find anyone who doesn’t have significant porn exposure, but I think there’s a wide range of responses from men, in terms of willingness to be responsible and work on their issues for themselves in response to good boundaries.
i so dcan identify with all these women. you hit home as if i wrote it myself. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. the first year we had sex a lot. after 9 months i started complaining its all about him. he ejaclates very quickly. i knew he always watch porn. it has destroyed our sex life completely. i have to fight plead and beg for sex. and when i do get it im not satisfied its over before its starts. there is never any foreply for me. then its over. he blames it all on me. we not getting along, etc. he talks as if we have to be perfect in order to have sex. anytime i bring up my feeling he gets so angry. i know he knows how i feel but dont change nothing. i have even threatned with him with ill have an affair. nothing works. he now admits he has a porn problem. starting looking into it. i love him but i want to leave him everyday. its been years of feeling betrayed, neglected. not wanted, not attractive enough. i know in my head its all his stuff but i dont think i really believe. i have so many restenments. im angry most of the time. i dont know what to do anymore. it is destroying me. im glad im not alone with you ladies
Hey there. I’m glad you’re finding some community and support here! Your boyfriend’s addiction is definitely his issue to deal with, and I hope that he does take the steps to recovery. Here’s an article I wrote a while back that might help you think about what that might look like. I’m not surprised you feel so angry and resentful, in a situation where your boundaries are being violated constantly. While it’s tempting to threaten and manipulate him into doing what you want, obviously it doesn’t work! I think you’re going to have to decide what’s healthy for you, what boundaries you need in place, and then make some healthy choices. We actually have another free download that might help you as you think through that; Hope After Porn. Even if you do break up with your current boyfriend, the issue of pornography is just so prevalent today. You’re going to have to think it all through and decide what’s healthy for you, regardless of who you’re with. I wish it weren’t like this, but it is! Let me know what you think of those resources, and let me know how else we can help. Blessings, Kay
Hi, I totally understand. My partner of two years said it was his medication that he could not sustain an erection. Well, he could with oral or hand jobs but not with penetration. I caught him once on porn and he said he would stop. Sex didn’t improve. I looked at his history and was sickened to see all the sites were rape, humiliation etc. I feel so sick. I am twenty years younger than him and never had a problem before. I feel ugly etc. He used to comment on my weight daily. When I confronted him he said it was medication so he used porn to get hard…. I can’t see a way forward.. Please advise
Hey Lisa, well, this is so sad. Unfortunately, a huge portion of the most-viewed porn today is exactly as you describe: abusive to women. Watching those acts does have a physical affect over time, as your partner experiences with his ED.
And research also shows that long-term porn viewing produces a sense of destructive entitlement where men begin to feel that they deserve to have everything perfectly the way they like it–the comments on weight and appearance are a very common manifestation of that entitlement.
I’m sorry to say that unless he stops, this won’t get better. If he continues to choose porn, this is what his sexual life is going to be like.
You have some tough decisions to make about whether this is the kind of relationship you want to be a part of. I would suggest Boundaries in Marriage as a good place to start reading and thinking about what you’d like your life to be like.
Let me know what you think–Kay
Literally going through the same thing as almost all of you. It literally kills my, he even watches it at work which really pisses me off. The stupid thing is we have been dating for 3 years and I could easily walk away and I desperately want to, but I have no family and no real friends. I love him but I’m starting to think it’s more hate than love. Why do men suck so badly??? How is this even an issue, you think they’d be able to control themselves but nope, all porn addicts.
Hi Em. It’s true that porn is a huge problem in our culture these days. I think it’s requiring a whole new skill set for women to deal with in dating and marriage relationships. As much as your boyfriend may be using porn, it sounds like you are also using the relationship. The relationship is not in a good place, and yet you cling to it, to guard against loneliness. He’s using porn, you’re using the relationship. I think the solution to this would be for each of you to look at what’s driving the need to use. What is that your boyfriend wants/needs that porn supplies? What is it that you want/need that the relationship supplies? Then instead of meeting those needs by using (porn or the relationship), look for healthy ways to meet those needs. You’re lonely, without family or friends. Of course you are. Healthy relationships would be a great thing for you to pursue. Support groups like Celebrate Recovery are a great place to form healthy friendships. Personal counseling can be a great step toward healthy relationships, too. Of course you need relationships. Of course you need support. You just need those things from healthy sources. Blessings, Kay
MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR RAIN. SHE COULD BE WRITTING THAT LETTER ABOUT ME. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 36 YEARS AND PORN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF HIS LIFE. I USED TO THINK –FINE –HE’LL GET HORNEY AND I’LL GET THE BENAFIT. WRONG. HE WAS FORXED TO RETIRE 3 YEARS AGO BECAUSE HE HAD AN ELBOW REPLACEMENT. SO AFTER 5 YEARS OF HAVEING A HARLEY AND PUTTING OVER 30,000 MILES A SUMMER SITTING BEHIND HIM AND JUST FEELING SO CONNECTED, EVERYTHING CRASHED. HAD TO GIVE UP THE BIKE BECAUSE OF THE ELBOW. BUT IT’S MORE LIKE HE’S GIVEN UP LIFE. IN THOSE 3 YEARS WEVE HAD SEX 3 TIMES BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY HE SNEAKS IN HIS DOSE OF POIRN AND HE GETS OFF ALONE AND PERFERS IT THAT WAY. AND HE HAS SEX WITH HIMSELF A HELL OF ALOT MORE THAN HE HAS WITH ME IN THE LAST 10 YEARS. BUT OH YEA, HE IS IN EVERHY OTHER ASPECT THE MAN OF MY DREAMS EVEN AFTER 36 YEARS. BUT UNLIKE MOST WOMEN I NEVER HAD A JOPB OUTSIDE THE HOME. DID A HELL OF A JOB RAISING 2 KIDS AND JUST REALLY FELT FULFILLED WITH MAKING A HOME AND RAISING A FAMILY SO I DON’T EVEN GET THE DISTRACTION OF HAVING A JOB TO GET AWAY FROM HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. AND HE HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED HIS AFTER WORK DRINKS. USED TO BE BEER. NOW IT’S A BOTTLE OF TEQULA EVERY DAY.I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM AND ONLY HIM SINCE I WAS 13 YEARS OLD. HE’S 6 YEARS OLDER. I LOOK BACK AT THE THINGS I HAVE PUT UP WITH BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT WAS NORMAL. AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS –I PUT UP WITH HIM COMING HOME FROM WORK AND HAVING HIM MAKE A FEW MIXRD DRINKS AS HE UNWOUND FROM WORK BY DRINKING AND WATCHING PORN. AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS OK? ALL GUYS WERE LIKE THIS. RIGHT? NOW INSTEAD OF DREAMING OF A FUTURE WITH HIM I’M THINKING EVERYDAY HOW CAN I MANAGE TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND 2 PARROTS AND A SHIH TZU ALONE. WOULD IT BE BETTER IF HE’D HAVE AN AFFARE WITH A LIVING CHICK? THEN THERE WOULD BE NO QUESTIONING OF KICKING HIM OUT. SO LIKE RAIN–TONIGHT I CRY AND TOMORROW I’LL PUT ON THE HAPPY FACE AGAIN. I CAN’T SAY IT’S ANY BETTR KNOWING THERE ARE OTHER WIVES IN THE SAME BOAT BUT IT DOES FEEL BETTER JUST HAVING A PLACE TO VENT. DOES ANYONE COME HERE OFTEN?
My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we are having a lot of fights and bad feelings about each other becaae of his obsession. I knew he liked porn when we met and I didn’t like it but I excepted it but as the years have gone by its like he doesn’t care how he makes me feel with it all. He has even said he has a problem and wants help but he makes excuses when it comes down to it. Its destroying my marriage and I don’t know what I can do anymore, I have compromised with him and its as though that’s not enough if I bring it up he says I’m just trying to cause a fight and them we either drop it or it blows way up I am sick of fighting and sick of pretending it doesn’t hurt me.
Hi Luke…
Thankyou :) I have heeded everyone’s advice! I did initially make contact and tried to be a friend…this was never going to work for him or me. I have now realised my need for some me time, and could not be the friend he wanted me to be. He thanked me for the small journey we shared :)
Thankyou, love, light and healing to all those out there with an addiction and those around them x
Thanks for sharing, Jane.
This problem is killing my relationship, we are 3 years married, I am 47 and he is 55 I don’t consider us old, I foud he has the addition of maturbation and can’t stop, I need help,!!, I am a discrete girl but I can’t handle it anymore, I would like to get professional help before end my relationship. The worse part is he doesn’t admit and he accusing me to be jealous. I don’t trust him any more. He kiss me and hug me but no sex. It seems like he doesn’t any desire. I want to divorce , I think is just the way to fix this problem.
It sounds like your husband has a pretty common problem: pornography-induced erectile dysfunction, along with another very common problem: blaming other people instead of taking responsibility for himself.
You’ll need to decide what healthy boundaries look like for you in this situation. Let me link you to a couple of articles that talk about boundaries, here and here. You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women share their stories.
You might also like to find a personal counselor to help you think through the reality of boundaries in your particular situation. And groups can be very helpful too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, all have good options.
While divorce is a very sad and difficult option, sometimes it is the best set of boundaries to have. If that does end up being the choice you make, you might appreciate a Divorce Care group which many churches offer.
Blessings, Kay
Hi Luke…thankyou for your thoughts :)
I am still undescisive about whether to pursue a friendship or not; I have chatted with a few of my girlfriends, and although I don’t want to continue a sexual relationship, I still wonder if I shouldn’t try and be friend. I wonder though if he will read more into the friendship than what I am trying to offer him. I have read some information about porn addiction and trying to understand it from a post traumatic point (he says he used it to help him cope with what he saw and did in Afganistan) he says he has curbed his porn addiction, watches what he drinks now, and is just trying to move forward with his life. At what point do people get given a second chance, or at least a chance of a friendship when I am sure he has been shunned by many. He never made me feel objectified, he never made me feel disrespected, I appreciated his honesty in telling me something that is a pretty big skeleton to have in your closet! My head says stay well away, my heart says be a friend. I am only 12mths out of a 13yr relationship, do I really need to carry someone else’s baggage??
I think I am still confused!!
Hi Jane,
The desire to be a friend should be tempered by a sober realization that your friendship will not help him get over his addiction. Showing support is, of course, commendable, but remember that not only would trying to carry his baggage frustrate you, it will ultimately not help him. In my personal experience, male-female friendships work well on paper, but in reality they can get messy the closer you get. That’s just my personal opinion.
Run and run away as fast as you can! Dont try to understand it..its not possible..please run for your own health!!!
I agree it’s tempting to just run for the hills–and often that’s a good idea! However, most women find that a pretty tough choice to make. I think this article gives some good guidance on making that decision, when it comes time.
I recently met a man an internet dating site, we have a nice chemistry sexually and emotionally and have been seeing each other for only about 4 weeks…however, he just told me he had an addiction to porn which he ended up spending time in jail for, after serving over seas in the armed forces. I ended our brief relationship, but now I am second guessing whether I shouldn’t still try and be his friend. I am feeling a little confused.
Hi Jane. At a distance I cannot tell you the best approach to this, but if you proceed with him, I would make sure (really sure) his past is in his past.
Flee from this certain future pson while you can. His only friendship will always be with fantasy. no real woman can exceed the self centered mans imagination. escape now with your self respect still in tact.