Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
This article does not take into account that husbands are not the only people that can suffer from a porn addiction. My wife has been addicted to pornography since I met her and she has not stopped watching and in her mind enjoying porn regardless of how it makes anyone else in the family feel. I find it quite short sighted that this article only focuses on the problem in a one way fashion. Shame on the so called Dr. who wrote short sighted article.
You’re absolutely right; many women also struggle with porn, and that number is rising among college students and young adults. However, since we primarily hear from wives asking for help coping with their husband’s addiction, we tend to focus on that as the most common scenario.
I know it’s not a one-to-one correlation, but I hope you can still find advice for your situation in this and other posts.
Before my husband and I married, we were living in separate states because we both serve in the military. In order to be able to live in the same place, we got married earlier than we had planned. We became pregnant on our honeymoon, but were still separated until about three months ago. When we finally were able to live together, it was time for the baby to be born and my in laws came to stay for over a month. The baby has finally been born, the in laws are gone, but I’m obviously in no condition yet to have sex with my husband. We have never lived together before or been alone long enough to establish a healthy sexual relationship. I pleasure my husband every day if not evey other day without having actual intercourse because I know it must be very difficult going without anything. We’ve had discussions about porn use before but my husband reassured me that he doesn’t do and never would. Since living together I would notice he would go up stairs for extended periods of time and act very odd before and after. A few times I would ask him what he was doing and he would give me a very silly reason “just looking for something” or ” thought I left something at my desk” etc. if I go upstairs with him he decides he doesn’t want to go to his desk anymore and goes down stairs. It was all getting a little too odd. A few days ago I went to our bookmarked tags on the computer but could not find the website I was looking for so I opened the window completely and noticed that the history on the computer is deleted every single day. It raised a flag immediately because we agreed when we married to always be honest and open to each other so we wrote down all the passwords to all the sites we go to in order to be open. Today I checked again to see if the history had been deleted and it was. I would not normally go through my husbands things but because of the way he is acting and the deleted history, I could not control myself. I went to his folders and found more prom than I could ever imagine. Some was quite disturbing and has disgusted me. I also found that he is going to live chats. I do not know how to confront him because we are newly married and have a newborn. I do not want to leave my husband and I love him very much. Since having the baby I have done many things to make sure my husband is sexually satisfied but now it seems like it was all for nothing because he still looks and uses porn. I have never been a confrontational person and I hate arguments. I simply do not know what to do and I will utterly hate myself if I remain quiet about it.
Hey Megan. I am so, so sorry. What a sad thing to find, right as your life together is beginning.
First, I want to tell you that this is not your fault. This is not happening because you have failed in some way, like not satisfying him sexually. Clearly, you’ve been doing what you can in that area and it’s not enough.
Second, you’re going to need to have a tough conversation. If possible, it would be good if you could just state what you’ve found and ask him to help you understand what’s going on. Tell him that his behavior has been odd, that made you suspicious, you looked at the computer, and this is what you found. You need to understand how long this has been going on, and how often he’s looking. That will help you understand the parameters of the problem. You also need to know if he’s had actual sexual contact with other people. That is for your health and safety.
If he is willing to take responsibility for himself and work on this issue, then here’s an article he could read to help him decide what to do next. Internet filtering and accountability software (that’s what CE does!) should be helpful for a home computer, but he might need to disable the internet from his smart phone as a fail-safe for that part of the picture. He needs to get into some kind of personal accountability like a group. There’s online help at xxxChurch for both addicts and spouses.
Even best-case scenario, it will take a while for him to get this under control.
Meanwhile, YOU NEED SUPPORT, JUST FOR YOU. Personal counseling can be really helpful, as can a group. You need a safe place to process all the emotions you’re experiencing, and to help you think through what’s a healthy course of action for yourself.
Here’s a listing of some of our best articles for women. You might also appreciate our free downloads, Porn and Your Husband, and Hope After Porn. Have a look at those things; let me know if they’re helpful, and please do write in here at any time with questions or comments. We’re here to help! Blessings, Kay
I hope you do learn to confront your husband, up to and including discussion of separation if he can’t change. This coming from a man that has been addicted to porn all his life, 40 years or so, and has ruined his marriage of 20 years by not attending to this issue in a permanent manner. Your husband actually sounds like he is engaging in more serious forms of porn than I was; I say that not to be superior, but to let you know that when it gets to that more serious darker form of things, it means that his brain is so desensitized that it needs to range about for more and more and different types of depravity. The chats are disturbing because he is then involving himself with real people. If he loves you, he needs to be willing to kill this addiction. As Kay has suggested, your husband needs hardline boundaries and needs to get involved in some serious programs that will help him to utterly destroy this stuff. Or it will destroy your marriage. And then your kids. And everything that you are hoping for. For your sake, I hope that you learn to manage conflict and confront your husband in love, but in firmness. Leave him no wiggle room, no compromises, no rationalizations, no deflection of blame. It’s his sin, and he needs to own up to it by being a man and removing it from your lives.
I Am such a fool! My husband of 25 years is a porn additcate. I found out he was on porn sites/dateongs sites/avg of 10 he’s month on his cell phone! I thought he HF PsTD from Iraq . what a fun!i ng fool I am! He couldn’t sleep / he wanted to watch porn! He didn’t want to have sex with me. Because of we stress it was because he already masterbated
You’re not a fool. This is something that men are able to hide for a long time when they want to. And you know what, he may indeed have PTSD, and he may be using porn as part of that picture. I think the important thing is that he gets help, and that you get help. Can he find a therapist or a group through his veteran’s benefits? Some other options are the American Association of Christian Counselors, which has therapists all over the country. Sex Addicts Anonymous meets in many places, as well as Celebrate Recovery. xxxChurch has online groups for addicts and spouses both.
You need support, too. I’d say find a counselor just for you, a group just for you, and make sure that your needs for emotional support and processing are being met while he works on his issues.
You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their experience in this situation. And we’ve got lots more articles for wives here. blessings, Kay
I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been together 5 years and 4 mounths and be married 1 year in July. When we first got together I found his porn stash. There was about 100 magazines and 35 dvds. He got rid of them as he says. When we first got together we would be together like 4 times a day.As the years go on it got to where we have sex about once a mounth if that . I feel like I’m too ugly for him and too fat. But yet he married me. He says he loves me but he don’t hold my hand. He don’t play around with me anymore. And he baraly ever kisses me. What should I do. I love him to the moon and back. I just found a prissy pocket and 20 dvds. He knows he has a problem. And gets upset when we talk about it. It’s hurting me that I’m here to be with him and he would rather porn. I don’t get it. He says he loves me but why dose he love porn more.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for the pain in your marriage. Let me say this: I don’t think he loves porn more. I don’t think porn is about love at all. I don’t think you are too ugly or too fat. This is not about you at all. This is about him, his choices, and his behavior that he will need to take responsibility for.
Porn can become an addiction; brain chemistry gets involved, providing a shot of “feel-good chemical” in response to those images. Some guys are just addicted to that chemical high. Others use it more as a refuge from painful feelings like stress, boredom, frustration, etc. Again, there’s a chemical element to that; the rush makes the bad feelings go away.
This is something that he will need to deal with, if he’s willing. Here’s an article he could read that has some ideas.
Let me link you to a couple of free downloads you might find helpful, too: Hope After Porn, and Porn and Your Husband. I think there’s some great information there that can help you think through what’s happening, and also give you some ideas about how other women have handled this issue in their marriages.
I also think you would greatly benefit from local support, like counseling for yourself.
Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think, and if you have more questions. Blessings, Kay
Hello Ladies, well all of your stories are exactly like mine. Been married for 20 years. My husband was my first lover. for over 20 years I suffer the same, lack of respect , lack of love and intimacy. piles of Video tapes,magazines DVD’s then came technology and PORN ON YOUR FINGERTIPS. He used to deny it for the first 10 years, he would try to hide it. I would find porn everywhere his car under the seats, in the truck. I learn to survive and told myself it was me that I was not good that i was missing something. Sex came so mechanical for me I was not even trying. He started complaining about my weight and me not being sexy. I finally seat down with him and lay it out its our family or help with porn. he change nothing. Finally I stop trying he will watch port at home on cable,satellite or other networks. I finally had it. I completely stop having sex or more like begging him for it. I cheated on him physically, I told him about I told him that I had to go and get some sex and attention somewhere else. I told him I still loved him but it was too late and I was living him and I was going to make a live without him and his porn. He got help he when to therapy. He beg me to stay so I did. Nothing has changed he still addicted I’m still not satisfied, however I know its not me I know I can be lovable and sexy. I feel bad for my husband because he will never have a normal relationship not with me or anyone. I still think of the man i cheated with he also beg me to leave my husband. In the end PORN HURTS EVERYONE NOT JUST THE WIVES.
It makes me so sad to hear women telling this story of self-blame and settling. I think a huge reason porn has gotten such a hold in our culture, and especially in the Christian world, is that women have been taught to blame themselves for their husband’s problems, and settle with whatever he will give them.
It’s the farthest thing in the world from what Jesus said he meant for us to have: “I have come that they may have life, and life in abundance.” When so many of our marriages fall short of that “abundant life”–for men AND for women–then I think we ought to be taking a long, hard look at what unhealthy things we as a culture have agreed to, and what we’ve taught ourselves to put up with.
For another perspective, I would suggest the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. We’ve also talked about boundaries here on the blog. Blessings, Kay
Hi im oing through the same with my husband. He got abused by his sister and her ex husband when he was a kid and he says he watches it for that reason….sorry i dont buy that. He did stop for a while but has got a new phone and is looking at it again. Ive always had a image of myself that im ugly etc etc but he dosnt help and it makes me feel insecure. Id love to give him great sex but i cant because he looks at that smut. I tell him its fake and they are all on drugs and booze and i try to get him to watch one with me…id probaly laugh. But he wont, is he embarresed or what?
I think one of the responsibilities that women have in relation to porn is that we have to take our own thoughts and beliefs captive to the truth. We have to stop believing the lie that our value as women only lies in how we look and whether we provide great sex. Those ideas are lies of porn, not the truth of God. The sad thing is, that a lot of times women get as obsessed with porn as their husbands do! While he’s obsessively looking at porn, we’re obsessively worrying about it. I think for us to be healthy, we’ve got to detach ourselves from the lies and the obsession, and find our own healthy way forward, regardless of what our partners choose to do. That probably means getting therapy for ourselves so we can identity lies, process our emotions, and get help thinking through healthy boundaries.
Before we were married, I knew my husband watched porn. I let him know how it made me feel and I hoped it would cease. I didn’t realize that it would consume our relationship once we got married. We have been married now for 21/2 years and it seems like he watches porn at any opportunity he gets. I am a nurse so I make an effort to schedule my off days on his off days so we can spend time together. He will use the majority of his time playing video games in one room while I am in another room doing my own thing. I feel he would rather spend time with himself rather than with me. I have expressed my feelings with him but he just denies that he avoids me and we NEVER get anything resolved. I am tired. I don’t want to end my marriage but I don’t want to go on like this either. In order for there to be recovery for us, he has to be willing to want to change and I don’t think he is ready. Which leads me to my only conclusion of moving on with my own life just to maintain my own dignity and self respect.
I feel like a quitter by thinking of divorce and when I bring up divorce, he plays the blame game and uses self pity. I feel like when we have sex, it’s not me he is having sex with but rather images. I totally feel like a reservoir. I am a beautiful woman who put myself through college to better my life and this situation has single-handedly made me feel less of a person, a wife, a mother. I feel like a failure let alone unwanted by the person I feel in love with. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have to go to work with my head held high and show no signs of personal emotions while helping others with there issues. I have to keep that same face with my children and friends. I feel very alone.
Hey Alicia. I’m so sorry for this pain you’re in. It’s so sad and disappointing to have such hopes for your relationship, only to see it slip away. I know you feel alone! But there are so many, many women who are struggling with the same burden these days. I’m glad you were able to reach out here, and I hope you’ve been able to find some helpful resources here, as well as some encouragement and companionship.
Just in case you haven’t found these, let me point you to the Mother Lode of Articles for Wives, and also a couple of free down loads for women, Hope After Porn and Porn and Your Husband.
I think there absolutely IS HOPE for husbands who are in porn. My own story is a hopeful one–my husband recovered, and our marriage is exponentially better today than it was before he ever looked at porn. Of course there is a lot of hard, hard work (on both sides) between addiction and recovery, and mostly your husband has to be willing to do that.
Also, I think there absolutely IS HOPE for you, even if he chooses not to change. YOU can be healthy. YOU can go forward into light and life and joy and peace. There would be a lot of grief around that, for sure. And whatever happens, you need support. Just for YOU. It would probably be good to find a therapist in your area who can help you walk this out, however it ends up looking.
Blessings, Kay
I am currently going through another domestic argument with my husband about his porn use. We have 2 children one of whom is only 10wks old and have been married for 2yrs and together for 6.
I have, like many of you had repeated arguments with my husband about this porn addiction. I have to say I am not as tolerant of as sympathetic as some of you.
My question to my husband last night was “who the hell gave you the right to bring this into our marriage and force this upon the innocents of our children and our relationship?”
I am so mad that I am having to be silence once again, forgive once again for his disgusting addiction. He gave up a drug habit, he quit drinking but he can not stop typing in to his browser and watching porn?
I married this man for better or for worse, I did not think that this would be the worst, and let me just say pornography is the only thing we argue about, we had a fantastic relationship otherwise. My husband is not very good and explaining how he feels and vocalising his emotions but the one thing that keeps coming to light is that he doesn’t understand why he does it. I am sorry but for him and all of you married men out there, I just don’t buy it. How dare he and all of you have a marriage, con your wives into something that is going to be a living hell for us and expect us to bring up a family, keep house and contribute while you get to keep hold of your dirty little secrects. I wonder how it would feel if the boot was on the other foot and us wives behaved like this. Made it acceptable to go lusting after images if bug hunky naked men and called it an addiction. I call it and excuse!
I am so angry with all of this and raging at the fact time after time I am reading this and so many wives are putting up with it. I am done with my marriage. Next week I am moving out, taking the kids and leaving him with the laptop and a smartphone, he can watch as much as he likes then. He chose to sit and watch it with my 2 babies in the room, because he needed a distraction!! Well now he will have one permanently!
I chose to marry this man, but now I choose to leave because my children come first and I do not want them growing up in a home where this is in the background and then it becomes the norm, because its not and its in no way acceptable for a man to cross the line and bring it into the home. How dare he and how dare all of you men do this to us wives, mothers and partners!
Hey Becca. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! And proud of you for considering your boundaries and making healthy choices for yourself and your children.
I think it’s interesting to note that he has a hard time verbally, especially with emotions. I think that’s not uncommon for men; they are often socialized not to know about emotions, but to “be strong” and “be a man.” Unfortunately, porn has largely become an expression of manhood in our culture. A lot of men are exposed to porn at very early ages, and even though you don’t like to hear this, it actually does become a brain-chemistry-activating cycle that’s really tough to break. This article might help both of you understand what’s happening in his brain. That doesn’t mean he can’t break it! Just means it’s going to take time and dedicated effort.
A number of women find that creating those strong boundaries does help motivate their spouses toward doing the work they need to do. Since you have had a fantastic relationship otherwise, I hope this will be the case for you. You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women share their stories of relationship recovery.
Let me know what you think! Kay
Wow talk about the blame game. Why do I have a feeling that most of these folks have not been living up to their commitment in the marriage. It does not take a brain surgeon to notice that many men who view porn are having little to no sex in their marriage. The trigger for the porn viewing by the male was the lack of sex from his spouse not the other way around. Sorry to tell you ladies that part of being in a relationship is being intimate and too many women just shut the men down after marriage. Don’t get all mad now when you know its true.. Face the facts and pony up. Wow, what a terrible bunch in here. All I see is, he did this, he does this, he does that, I want to help him. Oh my. If you really want to help then start being intimate with your husbands. WOW
You are saying that all the women who’ve commented here must have stopped having sex with their husbands in order for the men to want to watch porn so much. I think this is mistaken for several reasons.
1. It would be difficult for anyone to make a judgment call about all the women on this thread, knowing so little about them.
2. In our experience talking with men who are in support groups for porn addiction and their group leaders, men were often watching lots of porn before they got married, establishing the habit long before their wives entered the picture.
3. In our experience talking with these same men, many attest to having a vital and vibrant sex life while plunging head-long into porn.
4. Also in our experience talking with men in recovery, while some of them talk about a breakdown on intimacy in their marriage, it is rarely ever “She just cut me off out of the blue and left me begging and pleading for sex, so I did what I had to do at started looking at porn.” Usually the breakdown of intimacy involves a lot of factors that both husbands and wives need to own.
5. Also in our experience talking with a lot of women, they mourn the loss of intimacy in their marriage. They desire it. But often (a) the man turns his wife down, or (b) the man has porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
Let me be clear here. Should women recognize the ways they sin against their husbands? Yes. But we shouldn’t come with the patronizing nonsense that paints women in this situation with the broad brush of sexual prudishness.
Alexander,
WOW, just WOW!! You have no idea what you are talking about. I am the wife of a porn addict, I am here to tell you that I do not deny my husband intimacy. The issue is he never wants to be intimate due to the fact he has viewed porn during the day and there is no NEED or WANT for me because his needs have already been fulfilled. As a wife and trying to approach my husband and being rejected time and time again eventually one quits trying. So please explain to me and the other ladies on this site how in the hell are WE supposed to continue our wifely duties while being rejected. Also explain to me why the husband gets to have his porn and have no responsibility for viewing it. YOU and every other husband addicted to porn need to “pony up” and take responsibility for your actions and STOP blaming the wife. You have no idea the effect porn has on a loyal wife. I absolutely despise you for your comments.
So my seemingly perfect marriage is crumbling before my very eyes. After 15 years and suspected porn use, i found gross porn videos 5-6 years ago on his iphone. He had dpne it during our engagement and i nearly ended it and made it clear how I felt. Then 3 deployments and 2 kids later that happened. Typical denying and blame. We went to therapy, he ended up going a lot alone so he could talk thru his problems. Things seemed better, but i caught him 2x times. More therapy. Within past 2 weeks I put together he had paid for video mail rentals and had s po box. Forgot to pay bill and hurt his credit rating. This was 7-8 years ago, but he always swore there was nothing paid for and he never entered an e-mail address. Over 100 videos downloaded at work and watched on several business trips. All while i was a stAy at home mom, pta president, and supportive spouse.
Last night i e-mailed sugardvd.com and congratulated them on supporting yet another porn addict, while i was listening to my children crying in their rooms over our split yet still entertaining the idea of ending my life. They should be thrilled to know they help contribute to the 500,000 divorces anually involving this problem. The innocent children who will never grow up with their mother and father would like to thank them.
Hi Kyra. The thing that jumps out at me, right away, is that you’re “still entertaining the idea of ending my life.” I hope that whatever else happens with regard to your husband’s choices, or even your own choices to stay or leave the relationship, I hope that you will immediately seek support for yourself. You’ve been bearing this burden a long time, and it sounds like even the previous therapy was more about your husband’s issues than your own. Unfortunately, I hear that all too often from women in situations like this. So, please seek help FOR YOURSELF. The American Association of Christian Counselors has lots of counselors in lots of places. You might also find encouragement in our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own experiences, boundaries, and healing. And here’s a listing of our most popular articles for women, which you might also find helpful.
There is, unfortunately, nothing we can do about the choices of the porn industry or the choices of our spouses, but there is MUCH we can do with regards to our own choices and healing. I hope you will reach out for that help today! Blessings, Kay