Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
This is one of the most selfish threads I have ever read. Watching pornography is not something that should be viewed often, but the majority of men that begin having difficulty with fulfilling their sexual needs will masturbate, which is perfectly fine and even healthy if not abused. Pornography can simply aid them, provided they don’t obsess over it. It has nothing to do with you. You think it’s because you’re not enough for him anymore or he wants to be with someone else. That couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re making it all about yourself. Men don’t tell their partners because they care about them and don’t want them to feel like you do now. It’s a private thing and unless it interferes with your sex life, you can leave well enough alone. Do you honestly think he would bat an eye if you did the same? And you can keep your stupid religion out of it. All it does is label natural things like masturbation as sin. If he can’t stop, then he needs help, but that’s it.
I’m a newbie here. But my husband has been cheating with porn for 15 years and I just found out by accident. I’m torn apart and in agony.
I’m all the things in the blog. I feel like all our sex life was a lie and I don’t know how to make it true again.
Hi profoundly hurt,
I am so sorry about your discovery and your husband’s unfaithfulness. It is terrible feeling like your marriage is a lie.
First, I encourage you to remember that many women have walked this road before you. This does not mean the road will be easier to walk, but it does mean there are women and couples out there who might be able to help you through it.
What is your husband saying about this? How has he responded to this whole thing?
Luke, thank you. And yes I do have an amazing Pastor that I can counsel with. I have stepped out of counseling with my husband as a couple because I believe he needs individual help and guidance in his walk with God without me in the way. I will counsel separately too for now. Right I am battling far too many emotions to counsel with him as a married couple……anger, sorrow, defeat, anxiety, fear, insomnia, missing him……hating him……I’m sure you can imagine.
My husband has always had in insatiable sex drive. It has come between us at times. And it wasn’t until 8 years after marrying him that I discovered a porn addiction. He has lied to me so much about that and other things lately that I even think he may have had some interaction with other women either via internet, or meeting up with them. My heart loves him, and what I thought we had. How do I let go? He says he loves me and wants to work it out and that he will never do it again. I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but how can I even stay when I have not one ounce of trust left for him. And I now have this image of myself in his eyes that is so ugly. And how could I ever possibly enjoy sex with him ever again when all I will see are those images and videos of other women that turn him on. I just want to evaporate :(
Hi Michele,
What you are experiencing is sadly a common experience for many women. You are not alone in this struggle.
There is a big difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is giving up the right to hold a grudge or seek vengeance. Trust is something earned by trustworthy behavior. Your husband has shattered your trust by his actions. By his actions he needed to rebuild your trust.
I highly recommend you check out Dr. Doug Weiss’ books on this subject. He is actually giving away free chapters of his books on our website right now. He talks a lot about “believing behavior” not just believing what the addict says. Trust what your husband does to change. There is information in these chapters for him as well.
I also highly recommend you find support for yourself. He is not the only one who needs help for his addiction. You need help as the one who has been traumatized by his sin. Do you have anyone in your area to talk to? Pastor? Counselor? Family? Friends? Find those who will stand by you and support your decision to have a zero-porn policy in your home and will give you the support you need.
I just read all of the list of people on here giving great advice! I myself am going thru the same thing, my husband of 4 years( we have been dating for 3 before marriage ) just told me 3 years ago that he himself was addicted to porn. My heart dropped! I am not happy with my body after having kids and gaining weight. Since then he claims he is not doing it anymore but his actions say other wise. I have tried to get him to go to Church with me knowing only God could get him thru this problem of his, yet he has only been 1 time in the last 6 months. He does not seem to want me sexually, like we just do not have that kind of relationship anymore, by telling me his sex drive is gone. I do not know what to do and he has lied to me a lot about not watching porn and then I have found out other wise. It is so hard for me to trust him and It seems to be a never ending battle. I love him and Do not know what to do. Just the thought of him doing what he might be doing and hiding it from me, kills me! Can someone give me some helpful advice? Thank you all so much!
What have you proposed to him about increasing his sex drive? I agree, it sounds like years of porn addiction have take their toll on him, and this might explain his decreased libido, even if he is not using porn anymore. The good news is, the trend can totally be reversed. What has he done to seek help about this?
Thank you for this. I woke again hurting from another dream and this time in the dream I had to ask him to leave. I have been honest with my husband about the feelings you listed, but this is embarrassing for him. How could he ever care or understand when he’s using it to drug his own pains?
He most certainly is medicating himself if he has an obsession with porn. This is why he needs help, and ideally, that help should some from someone who isn’t you. You can support him in so many ways, but you should not be his counselor. He needs other men to come alongside him to support him through this, and to find those men he needs to be honest and seek out help.
Are you going to a church currently? Are there any men in his life who are both good friends and wise individuals? Does he have someone he looks up to as a mentor in his life?
Brenda, I still struggle. I go to counseling. My counselor said that I have some PTSD as a result of my experiences. i get very anxious and panicky around beautiful girls and when I see movies and things with gratuitous female nudity. I went to a support group and a few other women also say that their counselors told them they had PTSD symptoms. I have to say that I pray a lot, and I exercise regularly to clear my thoughts and to not obsess. It’s a lot of hard work to keep distracted and to only let positive thoughts about myself in and to keep the bad stuff out. Good luck.
Just found out my husband of nearly 3 years has a problem with pron. I loaded up the computer on his browser and there it was. I’m still in that initial stage of shock right now, there has been anger and tears already, not to mention the devastation you’ve all mentioned. We’d spoken about this issue before we’d got married. He confessed to having a problem as a teen. He had assured me it was done, it was in the past, he’d dealt with it. Unfortunately not, and as someone who has always had bosy confidence issues and was quite frankly surprised someone wanted to marry them this is almost like a death blow. It doesn’t help that Father’s Day is tomorrow which is always a painful time for me anyway. I’m so glad our daughter is asleep right now. Having had her I have been keenly aware of the changes to my body. I am not those girls, and I never can be, and I dont want to be, but this really hurts.
Tonight we are setting up blocks on the computer. Then we need to start on the harder things.
Putting blocks in place will be a great first step forward. Keep in mind your husband may have the urge to get around those blockades, so he needs to make himself accountable to others about the temptations he is facing before those temptations turn into bigger problems. Does he have others he can talk to about this?
i am going through the same situation all you women are going through.and it is very painful because my husband won’t admit he likes watching porn and i don’t understand why he took it that far.when i confronted him he said that he never watched it that he saved that porn website to test me to see if i was going through he’s laptop and i am just so confused he doesn’t know that it hurts me he just thinks its cause of jealousy and it aint about jealousy its about him doing that and not been opened about it.so with all that said i don’t understand him or men that do that and i don’t know if he will ever change if i leave it all to god. can someone shoot me an email and let me know how they overcame that hurtful experience.thank you
Luke, I am hurting so much from this. I can’t even express how much pain this brings to me. The rejection, the loss, the hurt, the self-doubt. All over porn. I am thankful to have a very supportive family. And I am going to counseling. My esteem is practically gone. I feel so ugly. In the marriage, he had wanted me to look certain ways, which I now realize are directly from porn, and I don’t look like that and I feel very self-conscious now about my body as well as beginning to believe what he said that I was insecure. I really was, but how can I not be? I wish I could talk directly with other women who have lost their marriage over this. Even though I have my family and a counselor, I feel so alone and the rejection is painful because I honestly gave him everything else. I worked so hard for him to get his career established and to move where he wanted but I still feel like I failed.
It hurts to hear how porn-fantasies can rip families apart and make women feel worthless.
I could tell you about how porn is fake: camera angles, paid actresses, airbrushed photos, clever editing. I could tell you about how porn destroys male libidos. I could tell you about what porn stars endure for hours in order to get enough decent footage for a porn film. I could tell you about the neurochemical impact of porn on the brain and how it rewires the mind to think irrationally about sexuality. I could tell you that even icons of beauty in pop culture can’t keep their husband’s attention when they are deluded by porn expectations.
All of this you would probably hear with an open mind, but the fact is your husband has done damage to your heart, wounding you deeper than just what your intellect will tell you. I pray you and your counselor can dismantle the lies that have invaded you mind.
Hi Kimee….I feel like you are speaking my words. If you felt comfortable you can leave me an email address to exchange some emails. I have also felt soooo extremely alone for 10 years. Like nobody understood what I was going through and I often wiahed that I had someone to talk to who could relate