Before I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God.
I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life.
My husband never verbalized any of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie.
1. The girl my husband really wants has no desires or needs of her own, so I should abandon mine.
To have needs means I’m demanding. The women in pornography, on the other hand, don’t require anything of the participant. It is a very one-sided act. It is all about him. Therefore, if I try making our life all about my husband and leave my needs at the door he won’t need pornography anymore.
Where did he want to eat for dinner? What movie did he want to see? I even went so far as to buy roller hockey gear and drive with him out to a dark, damp roller rink an hour away at 11 p.m. on a weeknight to play a sport I knew or cared nothing about. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. I didn’t want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “Darren’s wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own.
2. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn’t get angry or have an opinion about his addiction.
To have an opposing opinion means I’m controlling. The women in pornography do what they’re asked. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him.
They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn’t want to be labeled “controlling” so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted.
3. The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game.
To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I’m frigid. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn.
Related: 4 Things to Remember About Your Husband’s Porn Problem
There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn’t stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn’t frigid.
4. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals.
Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I had become so enmeshed in what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams.
This was not his requirement of me. I just started believing it one day. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1D,” so to speak. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My husband had no need for an independent wife. My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life.
5. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh.
Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans. This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push-up bras…the list goes on and on.
Related: Sex Isn’t the Solution to Your Husband’s Porn Problem
I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful.
The Truth That Sets Me Free
“He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)
A lie is a truth distorted. Pornography is a lie…it’s a distortion of the truth. There is no woman that has ever been born who meets all the criteria that I’ve written above. Chasing that shadow is an endless game that leaves you desperate and bitter.
When the person you’re living with looks at you through distorted eyes, it distorts your ability to know who you are: a Princess of the Most High God. God has created you to have dreams and resolve and strength. You are precious to Him and you hold great value in His eyes. His eyes are the only ones who can help you see yourself as you really are, and by the renewing of your mind through His word, I pray that you come to understand your own brokenness, your own need for change, and most importantly your need of a Savior.
I read this right after falling into the quick and easy temptation of porn. I’ve struggled with this off and on through my young adult life. I realize after reading this that I am becoming that self absorbed shadow of a person that you described. I do try to love my girl and I try to stay away from porn but it still comes back. I can easily see myself falling further down the path of caring only about me. I realize that, subconsciously, I want a care free woman. I suppose I can put that down to the times in my earlier years when women turned me down or even cheated on me, but the responsibility is mine. Having a carefree woman that I don’t need to be concerned of may be a weird fantasy, but there is nothing of love in it. I want to be a loving man. I don’t care if I have to chuck my laptop out the window I want to be a loving man. The internet makes this sin soooooo easy. There is nothing technology can do to prevent my finding these images. But the responsibility remains mine. I pray that God show me how to ditch this habit for good, not just for a month or two intervals. Thank you for sharing the horror of what you went through, it may have prevented another horror from happening.
I knew I needed to give up porn also. The hardest part for me was the images that were left behind. I would go to that mental bank in my mind and view them as needed :( I found God calling me to pray…as soon as a pornographic image came to mind I would pray for that person, particularly the woman in the situation. God changed me through this he healed me and still is healing me. I pray frequently for those that are caught up in prostitution, which is what pornography is, and my perception has changed, porn no longer sexually arouses me. Thank you God!!! I am a woman. I was introduced to pornography at a very young age and I have struggled with the addiction on and off for years. I can say I am free now. Prayer works and when you begin to view the temptress/tempter as another one of Gods lost souls you can feel differently about them love them in the way Christ commands us to love one another! Praise God! He is amazing and he can save those that are lost we are called to pray for them!
I am living the nightmare.. my husband watches porn… has toys… dating sites.. like craigslist.. I am ashamed to say.. reading his emails I found him also a cross dresser.. he enjoys sex with multiple partners.. almost 3 years.. since I found out and won’t stop.. he has done this for years.. but I have lost my mind .. I guess he is bisexual.. but I c it more gay.. thank you for listening!
Hi Edna,
I am so so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. I would suggest that you find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process these emotions and consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in these circumstances. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries to help you get started. You can also find great resources for support online at Bloom. No matter what your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole, just for you. You don’t have to lose your mind; you can make healthy choices for yourself, and I hope that you will.
Peace to you,
Kay
Do it chuck it out the window
It will save ur manhood and soul
As you have so powerfully put it, pornography is a lie.
I think most men know it is not healthy to watch porn. However, most men started their compulsion with porn in their teen years. Before the brain has had a chance to fully developed is the time that most addictions and compulsions are formed. Unfortunately, these habits follow men into their adulthood.
I think if you ask men, that regularly watch porn, if they have tried to quit porn. I think most would say yes. And most likely they have tried numerous times.
If a man is given effective strategies and activities on how to quit porn, they would most like want to try. The challenge is trying to convince the man that it is possible.
Good luck with your efforts.
My husband thinks that I am wrong for asking him to stop watching porn. It simply makes me feel insecure. I feel like he looks at women as pornographic images. He imagines them naked.
He loves looking at petite teen porn. I am 36 years old, tall, and chunky. How can I compete?
Hi Jaime,
You shouldn’t have to compete. You are a whole, beloved, valuable person, no matter what size, shape or age. You should be in relationships with people who are capable of treating you with the respect you deserve as God’s precious image-bearer.
I think you’ve got to consider your boundaries. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in, with a grown man who looks at naked children for fun? (I’d call the police, myself.)
Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Seriously, if he’s downloaded child pornography, that is a felony. Don’t be an accomplice to a crime.
Peace to you,
Kay
I want to say to young women that you are so much more deserving than this. I know there are financial and family concerns that seem like reasons you can’t leave. I’m just so saddened that years upon years and decades of this kind of pain will erode you to exactly what he sees you as – nothing.
I made a huge mistake and remarried 9 years after my great love and soulmate and husband passed away. I knew hardly anyone gets to live and be loved as we did each other. It was 4 years after his death that I met the porn and sex addict and stupidly moved in with him and lived as married. We married 2 years ago mostly because I needed a more respectable relationship and he (a supposedly very religious man) said marriage to him meant fidelity.
I am bitter. I know I’m old to him and he was never in any way attracted to me. Here’s what they’ll do to us, though. He would say I’m an Amazon, a freak, even HUGE, because I’m 5’6″. He must have young females under 5′ tall to be aroused. And is he ever! Public places he will relentlessly flirt with young waitresses in a very sexual way. I am appalled at young women, who respond to this attention. He charms people. He has no male friends. He would not even go back to a very qualified & well-liked physician because she was in his opinion too fat and he wasn’t attracted to her. Everyone is sized up as a potential sex partner and deemed a person of value if he wants her.
I have saved about enough to make my way out of this. I just want to say if you’re young you have your whole lives ahead of you, far better without such a rotten, self-centered man – no man at all if you can’t find a decent, good human being who knows how to love. I had that for 31 years of my life. I will be with him again, and trying to escape extreme loneliness and grief was never worth this humiliation.
God bless all of you. Please leave these sick individuals to each other. They are simply TOO flawed and beyond help. One wasted life is better than two.
This isi exactly what needed. I thought I was the only wife who dealt with this. Thank you for sharing.
No you are not. I pray that you strength your self in God and his live for you through Jesus Christ. The problem of Porn dont come alone, it’s hard to deal with the consequences of it in the marriage… May God bless you.
I
This has been helpful to see that I am not alone in this. Just recently I broke down because I found on my husbands phone porn sites and lots of them in the history. I thought we had settled this a few years ago when I discovered his porn tendencies and expressed my desire that we should separate because I did not feel I was enough for him. He went through the apology route and told me how much he loved me and he would not hurt me like that again. I struggled thru mother’s day weekend on how to approach him again. We went to visit both our mother’s over the weekend and I had to keep control and not break down in front of our families. When we got home Sunday night, I just could not hold it together anymore the “everything is ok” deal I went to take a bath and collect my thoughts on how I was going to address my discoveries. He came in the bathroom a few minutes later and found me crying. He pushed for us to talk immediately, but I told him we would talk later because our son (age 9) was still up and the conversation we needed to have was not something I wanted our son to over hear. I could see panic in his eyes at not knowing what the discussion was going to be about so he rushed to have our son get ready for bed (which it was time for him to get ready for bed anyway). When we kissed our son good night we went down stairs and I started the conversation with letting him know that at first I was very angry and then that turned into sadness because I realized I was not enough for him and told him I didn’t think I had ever been. I’m not a skinny person and I could never be those women he searched for and watched. He then told me that I was wrong that I was enough for him and then he said that he had been having ED problems and he was searching for answers as to why this was happening and said the sites with the medications have links to such sites (which for some reason he at this point I think he thinks I’m dumb) I’m crushed by this of course. He tries to reassure me that I am everything to him and in no way has he ever cheated on me, but to me he may not have physical contact but I still feel betrayed and that in someone he did cheat. This as you can imagine is not a pleasant or easy conversation to have. I’m at a loss, I want to believe him but when I look back on our past and his weakness as he called it this has been happening for years. We have been beee married for 17 years, but together for 24 years in all. I don’t know what to believe from him anymore. I our sexlife has not been great. It used to be but then it dimished to once a week and then maybe once or twice a month. I am not one of those wives who does not enjoy sex, because I do. I love being with my husband. He said he tried to tell me some time ago about the ED problems but he wasn’t really clear on the issue. He would say his mind is all for it but his body wasn’t. He tells me that my appearance does not matter, that he loves me for me on the inside and out. But my question is if it doesn’t matter then why would you be looking for skinny women? He then tells me that it’s like what our paster said it’s not real. But it is REAL even if you think it’s a fantasy it is real because they are real people and you are watching LIVE cams. I fell lost and frustrated and heartbroken. I just not sure what we should do next. I doubt he would go to counseling. I don’t know truth anymore.
First things first – understand that your husband’s problem has nothing to do with you. I know nothing of his personal situation, of course, but it may be that he stumbled across porn as a kid and has been living in secrecy for so long that he doesn’t know how to handle it anymore. It’ll be hard, but I’d also believe him when he says he loves you; men tend to be good at compartmentalizing, and he probably thinks of his porn use as something completely separate from his relationship with you.
Of course, even if you believe him, that doesn’t mean that you should just accept his behavior. You’ll want to set boundaries for your healing and conditions for your marriage with the goal of reconciling to him and strengthening your relationship. Start by reading Porn and Your Husband, which will give you a starting point for boundary-setting, among other things. You may also want your husband to read it; we’ve heard stories from men who have read it and had a much better understanding of how their porn use was hurting their wives.
You also mentioned ED problems. Many porn users have reported ED as a result of porn use; abstaining from porn helped fix it. I’d have your husband read The Porn Circuit for a better understanding of the changes porn makes to his brain chemistry and biology.
Stay strong, and cling to God! He’s brought many marriages through this, and they’ve come out stronger in the end. I pray that the same will be true for you.
i accidently discovered my husband watching porn, it wasnt the porn that hurt me it was the fact that he looked at me in the eyes and lied. i trusted him with everything i still do but my feelings have changed for. we have only been married 6 months and he downloads it to extreme, he now knows its out of control and is trying to do something about it bt while i wait im going into depression, i feel shit about myself when before i was very confident, his opinion matters to me, i get jealous. the more he watches porn the less i feel anything im turning into a stone, my feelings are changing and i dnt want it to change. he did other things which i didnt know before the wedding, i wish he would just come and tell. whatever happened was his past but i have the right to know im gona be spending the rest of my life with this man that i thought i knew when in fact i had no idea. he said he was gona do something about it and the next day he downloaded another 200 videos. i need help, i cant talk to anyone about it and i have told him its killing me, i cried, upset over it for weeks and he doesnt even care. what do i do, i actually attempted suicide even looked for poison bt couldnt get my hands on it., he says he loves me so why does he watch it? it has only been 6 months? i dressed up for him every friday which he said not to do anymore, where am i going wrong,, i knw its not my fault bt it hurts. i have known this secret for 3 months and every day it just kills me little by little. when i go to my parents for the night he masturbates to it now to me thats cheating, why cant he see that? why doesnt he care about me i never forced him to marry me? why cant he just stop watching it for my sake, when is that day gona come when he puts an end to it, is it ever gona come? i hate it when someone tells me every man watches it coz i know for a fact they dont. i am planning on never having kids coz i never want another human being to go through what i am going through, it may seem small but when the person u love does something to hurt u it kills and is the worst pain ;(
Hey there. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re in right now. I’m glad you found us here and had the courage to write in. I want to tell you that, as terrible as this pain is right now, you can absolutely find healing and hope. Whatever your husband chooses, healing is there for you.
First and foremost, I am concerned about your level of pain, and the isolation you are feeling. I want to make sure that you are getting the support that you need as you walk this journey. I would recommend that you look for a counselor in your area and begin meeting with that person immediately. Also, I think you would benefit from a spouse support group at Pure Desire (if that’s available in your area), xxxChurch, Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Celebrate Recovery. I would also encourage you to think about who you can talk with about this–some safe friend or family member who can support you through it.
I know you know that this is NOT about you! It sounds to me like your husband has had this habit for a long time. It’s not about how you look or how you behave or how sexy you are. This is about HIM. And it will be up to HIM to change it.
With the level of use you are describing, it sounds like your husband will have a LOT of work to do! I would hope that he (1) gets his internet filtered, monitored, and generally cleaned up right away; (2) gets into a group like Pure Desire, xxxChurch, Sex Addicts Anonymous–anything really to help him be accountable on a regular basis. He would probably benefit from personal counseling as well. It will be a tough battle, no doubt, and it will be up to him to commit to that and do the work.
Here’s an article I wrote a while back about what it looks like when a guy takes responsibility for himself, and here’s a listing of more articles for women with questions like yours. And here’s the link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their experience in recovery with their husbands.
I hope some of those things help you consider a healthy way forward in this. I’m praying for you right now, that you’ll find exactly the right connections to help you through. Please keep in touch and let us know how we can help further. Blessings, Kay
I know the feeling my husband does not even ask me if I want to have sex if he wants any he just gets in pissy mood and when I ask what’s wrong says I am going watch porn if you got problem with it oh well I then even go as far as say ok why not have sex with me while watching and he says what I have to have sex with you or I can’t watch it so not sure how to feel havesexhe usually just goes to bed pissed at me or what he’s porn either way I am left out and feeling like I am nothing to him
I’m so sorry, Melisa. I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process these painful emotions and also work on healthy boundaries. You can read more about boundaries here and here. Your marriage relationship should reflect your value as a person! Peace to you, Kay
I too, am struggling with how to trust. I have no one to talk to, because I don’t want to put thoughts of horrific imagery and unending heartache on anyone.
Hey there. You might appreciate the website, Bloom, where you can join private forums with other women and also take recovery classes and find lots of great resources. Peace to you, Kay
not changed and maybe won’t ever.My biggest problem is realizing I did all of these things, made him number one even made a fool of myself trying to dress up as a hot schoolgirl, and even though I see it all now I am lost with 5 children endured his addictions, his abuse mental and physical and have no self esteem , feel like I have lost myself and I am trying to find my out of this depression but it’s hard and unless people have been through it you can’t understand it,he thinks I can just get over it but after 15 years of pain and sticking by someone for them to turn on you and make claims so that they don’t feel guilt is enough for me to know it time for a divorce. I was never perfect but I was sure close to perfect in loving him but you can only take so much ,until you get to a place that makes you realize , maybe he doesn’t deserve me,maybe it’s time I love myself and be me not just Roberts wife. I could never love anyone else he has my whole heart forever,but Id rather be alone and able to enjoy this beautiful world with my kids , Life is short you know.I’m do tired of seeing women torn not changed and maybe won’t ever.My biggest problem is realizing I did all of these things, made him number one even made a fool of myself trying to dress up as a hot schoolgirl, and even though I see it all now I am lost with 5 children endured his addictions, his abuse mental and physical and have no self esteem , feel like I have lost myself and I am trying to find my out of this depression but it’s hard and unless people have been through it you can’t understand it,he thinks I can just get over it but after 15 years of pain and sticking by someone for them to turn on you and make claims so that they don’t feel guilt is enough for me to know it time for a divorce. I was never perfect but I was sure close to perfect in loving him but you can only take so much ,until you get to a place that makes you realize , maybe he doesn’t deserve me,maybe it’s time I love myself and be me not just Roberts wife. I could never love anyone else he has my whole heart forever,but Id rather be alone and able to enjoy this beautiful world with my kids , Life is short you know. down by men ,don’t be like me and wait 15 yearsfor an ounce of care or adoration from a man that isn’t capable of real love , if you face this and he doesn’t respect you enough to go to counseling,or stop,or try to make you feel better after showing true remorse than he never will and it gets worse ,did for mine he quit his job, he started abusing me,he started looking and younger and younger girls etc. Talk to someone or get counseling,I hid my problems and never had anyone but him and it can make you lose your mind and get trapped in a depression you can’t crawl out of, I pray for anyone struggling with this issue or similar I know how painful it is and you are NOT ALONE, reach out ,it’s his problem not yours you are beautiful and don’t let any man make you feel like you are not
Teen porn is not child porn. They are usually in their 20’s, they just use “teen” to describe young adult women. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, just that it’s not child porn.
All of you are living my life. I’m 72 and married my second husband 13 years ago ( he’s now 76) but we’re together 27. I waited until my kids were grown and out to marry him. He wanted marriage, I did not but my children loved the idea of us married so we did it. As I look back it started long ago. The glances at women, the young girls on the beach, waitresses in cafes, etc. but 8 years ago he started having trouble performing. He went to his dr and came home depressed. Dr told him he had ED and gave him viagra. I begged him to find an alternate solution… herbs, meditation. OTC supplements, and a therapist. We had an unreal sex life for many years. I was extremely attractive and my shape was very sexy. I say this not to brag, but to make a point that even if you look like a sexy superstar with a rock
Hard body to die for…. That husband will still watch porn. To continue, my gut was telling me somethings wrong so I kept asking him if he was watching porn. He denied every single time. Swearing on our granddaughters life if you can believe it. To condense all this instead of writing a novel, this went on for months. He could barely have sex with me even with the Viagra. I cried continually and one morning I came downstairs and there he was at the computer watching his porn. I went insane, and was very ill for many months. I should have been hospitalized. We went to several therapists,he had individual
Specialized therapy for this. He even swore up and down he never masturbated during porn. Even lied to the therapist who told him to come clean for the sake of his marriage. He didn’t. Fast forward 8 years later, we have sex, it’s not great, he needs viagra, I’m not in any way in love with him , not even attracted to him but we have family, investments, and we travel a lot so at my age I stayed. Didn’t want a second divorce at this point. The interesting thing is he’s continued to say he doesn’t masturbate…. Lol. This morning I came down to the kitchen for coffee and there he was, jerking off. I scared him and started to get angry and what do you think he says? “ I’m
So horny for you , I can’t wait for sex tonight, it’s still so good with you, I was just holding and stroking it a little , I wasn’t masturbating”. So ladies, these men are lying dirtbags. If you can do it, get out now before you end up 72 with a lying deceitful shitbag. I’m sad this morning but not having a mental breakdown like I did years ago. He ruined our marriage with his lies and selfishness. He’s a narcissist and a lying pig. An old man still looking at young girls.
I’m so, so sorry for the reality that you’re living with. I’m so glad that you have been able to separate his behavior from destroying your mental health. You deserve more than lies and deceit.
Peace to you,
Kay
I believed the first four lies completely, which is way more insidious, because I kept telling myself that his problem with me (and the overall problem with our marriage) was simply ME–the internal me, not the external me. I hated myself for not measuring up to being a good Christian wife, even though I did everything I could think of to please God, my husband, and the Christian community. My own sickness was such that I was on a relentless quest to be a near-perfect Christian wife who interceded constantly for not only for my husband, but our five children. In retrospect, I know that I would have never gotten what I so desperately wanted from him, which was emotional and spiritual intimacy. How could I have gotten this from someone who had short- circuited his own ability to be intimate with his heavenly father? The psychological damage that I allowed to be inflicted on me and that I inflicted on myself had everything to do with my personal worth and identity in Christ. I am just beginning to heal after a 25 year ‘marriage’ and the fall-out of a divorce five years ago. You know, in some strange way, I still am blaming myself. That tells you how deep these lies go.
I totally understand. I gained weight hoping that my breasts would grow. Then I realized they wouldn’t and now my husband at the time was even less happy with me. I struggled trying to lose weight because I was so depressed. I tried to forgive and forget (like everyone said). He would bring porn into our bedroom and then supposedly stop for several years and then do it again. I looked at my journals and this happened at least 5 times. I wanted to talk to him about it, but he would get mad and so I would wait until he was already mad and bring it up. I get down on myself for handling it wrong. Men like this want you to keep it secret so you suffer alone. They make you think you are the one with problems. I am finding out now that I am divorced and seeing a counselor that many of my feelings are normal. I needed to know my worth without my ex-husband.
my husband am I watch porn togetter but only when we are high I don’t like it but it makes him happy and it not offen but the last time we did all he could talk about was how they look we watch one dvd and there was a girl showing a close up of- – – he palse the movie over and over again then ask me how I would feel about being with another women I said no way is this what he wants he tells me its just the drug taking but I can’t seem to get this out of my mine !!!
Your post is really touching. However, in my situation my husband has gone as far as to tell me these lies. I’m not the greatest wife and we’ve had challenges in our marriage and porn has been in our marriage for all of our 12 years together. He’d do it, get caught, say he’ll stop because it was just because he was lonely or we fought or something. We’re back at it again when I found a list of his recent porn history and I was so angry the way I confronted him wasn’t the best. But I don’t want the pattern to continue anymore so I’m trying to not give in easily this time. But he’s told me things like if I had been better to him he wouldn’t have done this or he would feel bad about hurting me. We’re at a crossroads right now and it looks like instead of doing the work to win my trust back, he’d rather leave me. So it’s hard not to believe some of these lies when your own husband is reinforcing them.
I’m so sorry, Melanie. The blame that you hear is more than likely part of his system of defense mechanisms; he needs to rationalize to himself why he does what he does. He probably even believes it at some level. That doesn’t make it true, though. No matter what you’ve done, he has the option to make healthy choices and he’s not doing that! None of us are perfect, we’ll all make mistakes in marriage. But the way forward is not to blame the other person but rather to acknowledge our choices, take responsibility, and take action to do better in the futhre. For 12 years, your husband hasn’t been able to do that. You might appreciate this short animation on defense mechanisms, and this one on gaslighting. Knowing what’s happening helps us respond without confusion, guilt, or fear.
I would suggest that you consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here and here are a couple of articles. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process emotions and create those healthy boundaries. The online group Bloom might also be a good place of support.
Peace to you, Kay
In response to the “teen porn is not child porn” comment….sometimes it is. Porn sites have no regulations and they make a great amount of money from trafficking. Some is consensual and some isn’t you never know what you’re watching. Even “verified” actresses are found out to be underage and trafficked. The women in the industry are just as much victims as the women who are continually betrayed by their husbands who watch them. I think not only is it wrong for a man to go behind his woman’s back to watch porn but it’s also a disservice to femininity as a whole when most men nowadays know the porn they view has a 50/50 chance of being consensual or being abuse. And even those “consensual” videos men think they’re watching are showing men a completely backwards idea of women and sex in general. It’s sad. And the industry profits off intentionally hurting women and getting men addicted to images that are in no way accurate of what sex is.
I divorced over 2 years ago and I’m still blaming myself and thinking that didn’t do enough or was enough. It’s so hard to lose belief in the lies because the rejection is so painful. I know that I have to focus on God and not on him. God is the one who truly loves me for who I am exactly how I am. But living on this earth with so many men who feel that same was as my ex did does make it hard to be a strong woman who can ignore all of that negative feedback. Women are told to be strong and be themselves and yet we’re bombarded with “ideal” images in movies on tv and all around us. I’m trying as hard as I can to focus on God and to ignore it all. I wish others would too.
This the first of the many things I’ve read in the past few weeks that made me feel like their is any sympathy in the world for a woman who doesn’t want her husband to watch porn. Thank you for taking time to write your thoughts and experience.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and over those years there have been several occasions when I discovered something questionable in his email or in his browsing history. Literally every time I’ve confronted him with what I’ve found, he acts completely clueless and says he has no idea how it got there. He always says I have nothing to worry about and that he doesn’t look at porn anymore (which I know for a fact he used to do before we got married.)
One time I found an email in his sent folder of pics of a girl, and it looked like he had sent the pics to another email account that was most likely his (similar email address handle to his.) He told me that never sent this email & had no idea how it got there. He told me his regular email account was probably hacked by his video gaming rivals and that he didn’t have any other email accounts that I wasn’t aware of. Likely story?
There have been a number of incidents like this where it seems like a the evidence is there, but he always has some bizarre explanation for what I’ve found or he just says he has no idea how it got there… everything from porn sites on his phone, to half-naked girls on his Instagram history, to porn-ish videos saved on his Facebook account, etc…
I guess I’m writing this just to put it out there and see what people think. Is it possible that he’s been truthful to me? Is it possible that these things just randomly happened & he didn’t do any of it? As I’m writing this, I’m pretty sure I already know the answer, but I doubt myself constantly and get so confused about what to believe with him. All I know is that I feel hollow when it comes to my feelings for him– like I know I’m supposed to feel something for my husband, but I just don’t have any feelings at all. Just totally empty.
I am over 35 years into a marriage that is evangelical Christian from the beginning to the present; and continuously in church. Raised all the children and they are well respected in their faith. But porn has been in and out of my life since I was just after elementary school. Most have heard the story of the lingerie section of the department store catalog; or a friend with a Playboy mag, etc. that started it all. I have watched this evolve in the culture from print photos to videos to internet streaming. I have struggled with porn, but never touched another woman than my wife.
After much reflection, and many periods of being into porn, and then long periods of being out of its involvement – the view of wives, and Christian wives, that it is not their responsibility is both correct, and incorrect. This is not simple and uncomplicated. Sex is the most powerful force in the physical body and lives of most men. It is at the core of nearly every one of them as a consuming drive. And it always has been and always will be very challenging to manage. This is not new. Read the story of Tamar, and of the lives of King David, King Solomon, even Noah and Abraham. Raw lust plays a part in much of the Bible. It may be each man’s responsibility to do what is righteous, but his loving wife could help him greatly. Most men’s hormones run on a restoration cycle of one to three days, while many women seem to run on a hormone cycle of sexual desire of biweekly or even monthly. This leaves to inconsistent objectives by each marriage partner. Porn changes the brain and is addicting like a drug, like cocaine or meth. But if a wife keeps her enticement of her man active and interesting, then he has much less drive to seek it out in porn. And he really does not need to seek hard to find it – it is available for free in short vids with a quick search engine review. All men know that. The culture is drowning, immersed, saturated in sexual stimulation and temptation, and putting all the impetus on men only perpetuates the problem. If a man is a quality, caring husband – as most intended to be at the wedding – then his immersion is this sex-saturated modern culture contributes to his fall to temptation. It was rarely his original intention. Wives acknowledgement of this and efforts to counter this illicit lure – to draw him sexually to her would be infinitely wise. Most Christian wives I have known are clueless after many, many years to their husband’s struggles, and show little interest in helping him overcome these temptations by luring him sexually constantly to them. Blame itbon the wife’s low self-esteem, or on her insecurity, but the temptress is always there alluring her man away. And if she does not counter it, even the best of men often stumble, sometimes badly, and sometimes stumble and stumble and stumble.
Why is it that as a woman temptation is also all aond me to fall And stumble.. The difference between a man and a woman Is that she doesn’t fall and stumble When she truly loves her man… So don’t make up any excuses As to why you watch porn… Its called self control.. And if you truly loved your wife you wouldn’t Ever have to deal with this.. I’m sorry I’m not being rude I’m telling you how it really is.. There’s no place for porn ever in a relationship
Dan, men who struggle need to band together and help each other……..A women actually can not change a man. Every individual must be open to correction from God and God’s moral standard. I think you are probably familiar with passages of scripture about marriage and they do not suggest that it is wise for a women to be sexually alluring…but alluring because of a sweet and loving character. Physically experiences are important to both genders equally…There is no wife on the planet who doesn’t want her husband to be attractive sexually. Haha! Try being a man who takes responsibility for his actions and attitudes and speak up and share your struggles…because hot damn that’s attractive.
Dan,
Don’t make up your lame excuses. It has nothing to do with that. It doesn’t matter how sexy or how much sex she gives him. It has to do with him and his unfaithfulness. One women is not enough because he is messed up and has deep issues he needs to work out with a counselor.
Wow, Dan, that was the most insightful, honest, balanced, transparent, informed and helpful post I’ve read yet. Thank you so very much for posting the truth, the facts, and the advice. What wisdom. I hope that you will reap complete and unending freedom because of your willingness to sow your time and wisdom to help readers on this sight understand their husbands better. Wives remember – we HAVE to be “harmless as doves but WISE as serpents”! Bless you Dan….
Are you seriously saying that if women were to sexually i twice their husbands more they wouldn’t need or want to look at porn? You are so ridiculous. Many woman have sex with their husbands daily, happily trying out new sexual position s and fetishes only to ha e their husbands continue with the obsessive porn watching. Quit trying to blame women for their mans pervers
Lies. If he was engaged in port before getting married their is NOTHING a wife can do to fix or stop the problem. He has to want to stop . To REALLY WANT TO STOP.
Yes. The responsibility for behavior lies solely with the person who chooses that behavior. When men are using porn, that is a choice they’ve made for themselves, and it’s their responsibility. Thanks for speaking up.
Dan, are you serious? “Luring him sexually constantly to him”? Unbelievable that an intelligent person would even write that. I happen to be a very sexy woman. I keep myself in shape and get attention from men all the time. I am available to him anytime he wants. I know how to please and he knows it. Yet he still prefers sex with pornography because he is SELFISH. He wants to be pleased and have HIS desires and needs met, without the burden of caring about another person’s needs. Lovemaking is all about giving and finding pleasure in pleasing your partner. If both partners do that, it is beautiful. It is an exquisite emotional, physical and spiritual connection, just like God intended it to be. The more you give, the more you get. But he wants me to come on to him, make him feel desirable. Then I do all the lovemaking to him, while he lays back and enjoys. If I don’t initiate sex (which I don’t anymore, what a surprise), we don’t have sex. So he just goes to his fantasy women on the internet who are willing to do anything he pleases without having to give anything in return. My husband has not fulfilled my sexual needs for 5 years and I have been faithful to him. He has not been “luring me sexually constantly” (or ever!) , yet I have not broken our marriage covenant by being unfaithful to him, and believe me I could. Then I find out that all that time he has been wanking off to internet porn and contacting girls on facebook. So much for your theory.
Dan, explain this to me… I am six years younger than you were when you posted this. I am very sexual and sensual. My biggest complaint during my ten years of marriage has been not enough sex. I get very frustrated. The lack of sex sometimes is all consuming. I would like sex every day or every other day… And I’m the wife! Men think I’m sexy. I have gotten many comments through out the years and continue to get comments. I enjoy doing and trying everything. The thing is when my husband and I have sex, no porno can compete with it. I will not get elaborate and leave it as that. So why did my husband have a porn addiction for a year of our marriage? Why was he doing it solo for even longer than that? Why was I left alone and even contemplated cheating on him. I have watched porn and it does nothing for me sexually. I tried watching it to satisfy what is missing. I think that men do not actually enjoy the act of sex with a woman. I think men do not want to be bothered with the physical activity. We now have sex about twice a week which is still not enough for me. Physically it hurts me. Emotionally and mentally it is damaging. I think that when men talk about it as a “need” is a joke. Sex is a need! Porn is not! You saying that a woman should lure her husband I feel is a joke. My husband no longer watches porn because he has no access to it. He has a simple phone, and no money. If he has to spend money he does so on a debit card and gives me any receipts. I hold him accountable which he actually says all wives should do. If you have a problem with porn you should hold yourself accountable! Take away all access! Yes you can live with out the Internet! My husband has done so for nine years! Although he is no longer watching porn he still does not have that much of a sex drive towards me. I think men that have enjoyed porn like the variety and the cheating aspect of it. My husband likes it when I have different looks and change up my appearance. He has also liked being physical outside. Notice I say physical and not intimate. I find it hard to be intimate because we are not having sex often enough for me to feel a emotional connection. I know that makes no sense to most people. When your needs are not met… When your physical needs that you have no control over are not met it is hard to not have resentment towards the only person that can fulfill them. I believe I could possibly have too much testosterone in my body. I am not sure why I am so much different than a “normal” woman. However if u you are “normal” for a woman with your sex drive or have a over active sex drive it seems not to matter when it comes to a dissatisfying sex life in marriage. It is though total nonsense what you wrote Dan.
Dan,
What a joke. Man up and take responsibility for your addiction..
Wow. That was the most insensitive line of crap i have heard. And usually these comments are so positive. You just said the opposite of what every article here will tell you. So ladies, act like a porn star and your husband wont watch porn. See? It is your fault after all!
Its like you didn’t even read one woman’s comment with the crap you’ve said here, typical male
Pornography destroys the trust, safety, and vulnerability in relationships. When emotional intimacy is gone, it is not fair to say that you the woman should lure her husband back to her. As a woman whose 26 year marriage has been eroded from secret porn use, I am telling you that it is horrible for you to blame her. He is the one who put the pornography into his brain, and his bedroom. Women experience trauma and betrayal. There needs to be a coming together equally to understand the effect porn has on both partners. We are trying to save our marriage. We are in counseling and if I hear “ porn is not about you, it’s him” one more time I may just punch my therapist. There should be no secrets in marriage or committed relationships. I discovered by accident recently that my husband had never stopped. Raising kids, one of them severely disabled, I thought his distance was because of his anger. I am currently trying to find confidence but most days I feel like I need to lose enough weight to look like those women. But I can’t. I’m not a prude. We started sleeping in the same bed again in Nov. I am still sexually VERY INTO my husband. He says he is too. Tells me all the nicest things. But he doesn’t cuddle me, he isn’t interested in initiating sex, he gets frustrated when I try. I try everything that used to be great with us. Foreplay disappeared long ago because with porn he doesn’t need it. I am trying. And being honest. And he is so distant. We go on dates, we compliment each other, we are proud of our children, and I think I am still an attractive woman. I am trying. But I go to bed most nights feeling lonely with his back to me. He doesn’t even know what emotional intimacy means anymore. Men can watch as much porn as they want thanks to private browsing and secret apps and accounts. But the human being in your bed who loves them, is the one who suffers. If a couple is not having sex because of other issues, they should work together to get over those problems. It’s normal, ups and downs. I am 52. I feel sexier than I was in my 30s and 40s. Vibrant. But he rarely even “sees” me that way. He has been secretly looking at porn since the last time I caught him in 2006. We almost split up. But he made a big commitment to me. I am so busy and he is often very angry and spends a lot of time alone with his phone, iPad etc. I should have known better.
Don’t assume that every woman needs to pursue her man in better ways and he won’t need porn. Because porn destroys his ability to want her in the same way.
The couple needs therapy, prayer, and understanding. I think my husband is still looking at porn, trying not to. Says he isn’t. But he is never in the mood. He will flirt with me, and talk about it during the day. But we get into bed, and he is too tired. Rolls over. And leaves all of my needs and desires ignored. Triggering my insomnia, insecurity and betrayal.
To the destruction of family, children and finance, we could all let our fantasies take over, but as respectful adults there is control. The sneaky behavior behind the porn and the person you are with this sneaky behavior depicts exactly someone who could not be trusted with your family life and cannot exist.
I have been reading all these posts and replies and this is the first time I felt the need to reply. Men looking at porn has nothing to do with their wives not wanting sex as regularly as men. I want sex more often than he does. He will look at porn so he can have sex with me. He also has looked at porn right after we have had sex and he has had orgasm. So I dont buy into the theory that his sexual drive isnt being met.
It sounds like you’re making the wife part of the husbands issue. Women have to “draw their husband to them..???”
This is antiquated crazy religious thinking here. It’s entirely a mans fault for not working on his marriage and controlling his “urges” and honoring a sacred union. We women feel bad enough thinking we’re not sexy or attractive enough to please our man. We certainly don’t need that feeling of anguish reinforced. I don’t blame myself for one moment for my husbands lies and deception. I was a ready, willing, and able loving sex partner in our union. The ruination of our marriage lies with him and him alone.
One more thing. Covenant Eyes says I must depend on God’s grace to stay pure.
Why not just tell my wife to get interested in sex as the Apostle Paul admonished in 1 Corinthians 7, instead of focusing on kids, and house cleaning, and shopping, and meals, and every other responsibility imaginable (jobs, as her husband, which I do more than 50% of anyway)?? (Oh, I forgot an hour of devotions each morning.)
If she cannot devote 15 minutes twice a week to intimacy while in bed, instead of showing an interest about every one to five months… and her husband is tempted by porn, maybe she should look at herself instead of dissing her husband. Men get weary feeling like their wives are tolerating the husband’s sex drive. No wonder he succumbs to the incessant sex-charged temptations in which he is visually swimming in this culture. The allure of the free constantly available porn woman will forever be with him once he is addicted, no matter how hard he endeavors to resist this and break free. And 50-70%, it is reported, of Christian church-going men have been exposed to porn. Perhaps it is time for Christian wives to step up and win their husbands back from the temptress.
Hi Dan,
It isn’t an either-or situation: Depend on God’s grace to stay pure OR have sex with your wife frequently. Sex with your wife is a grace from God.
That said, it is true that married couples should frequently have sex (as least frequently enough that neither the man nor the woman is tempted by sexual immorality). This has been a theme on our blog before.
Both husbands and wives need to improve communications around sexual topics. If he wants to have sex more and she doesn’t, this needs to be discussed in light of Scriptural principles. Yes, if a spouse refuses sex or only begrudgingly has sex, this is not a healthy sexual relationship and should be remedied.
That said, this does not cure a lust problem. I know many men who have very sexually available wives (having sex many times a week or every day) who still look at porn. This is because marriage will satisfy your sex drive but not your sin drive. Sin wants what it can’t have; it wants what is forbidden. Sex with your lawful spouse doesn’t satisfy this. Only Christ can change our hearts.
Blame-shift much ?
Dan, I can’t compete with the women in porn, so what makes you think that having more sex with my husband is going to keep him honest? He couldn’t stay honest even within our first year of marriage and he blames me, saying the I’m not ‘there’ when we have sex. Althewhile, I’m ‘there and insecure of my body and efforts bcause I’m not experienced like him’
In one sense, you are completely right. As long as your husband is trained by porn standards, one woman will never satisfy him. More sex is not the answer. Sexual frequency in marriage is good, but it isn’t a cure for a man who only sees his wife as one of many sexual experiences.
It isn’t just the bodies of the porn stars that set the standard. To be sure, porn companies hire them young and encourage them to get breast implants, but that is only part of the reason why porn is alluring. Porn producers edit out the hours of footage, choosing only the best material. They train the girls on what to say and how to say it. They piece the sexual experience together on screen, making the viewer believe that the woman was enjoying herself 100% of the time. On top of this, the Internet only makes matters worse: a man can click around for hours, looking at one woman after the next, finding the sexual episode that suits his tastes at that very moment. There is no woman in the world, no matter what she looks like, who is that clickable and customizable.
What you husband is doing to you is deplorable. Looking at porn and then blaming you. You are “there” when you have sex? Neither are the thousands of women he’s seen on screen. If what he means is he wants you to enjoy yourself in the bedroom more, well fine, but he shouldn’t make that into an excuse for his own lust.
“And 50-70%, it is reported, of Christian church-going men have been exposed to porn. Perhaps it is time for Christian wives to step up and win their husbands back from the temptress.” This is one of the most dangerous statements i have ever read. The first sentence is true. Combined with the second sentence it creates a devastating lie. That lie is that wives being sexually available to their husband or not is related to his porn use. To blame your porn use on your wife is simply choosing not to take responsibility for your sinful choices. As a Christian sex addiction counselor I consistently see couples where the wife has a very high sex drive or simply lives by the belief system that she should never refuse her husband, yet they are still sitting in my office. Frequently he does not even want sex with her anymore because he has come to prefer porn. Other times they do have frequent sex and he is still using porn. Another phenomenon I see often is the wife who does not feel safe to be vulnerable with to be sexual with her husband because of his porn use. She feels judged and compared to the women in the screen; she feels used, like an object, because he is not emotionally present during sex; she feels lonely and unloved. You are clearly very bitter. I don’t know if your perception in your marriage is accurate or not. I do know that you said your porn use started before you met your wife. I do know that porn use causes a person to become self centered and skews their perception of just about everything. I do know that you felt the need to brag about an hour of daily time with God (possibly a skewed perception or a flat out lie since all porn addicts are very good liars). And I know that your spiritual maturity is quite lacking since you felt the need to point this out and because of the many lies from Satan that you believe. I point this out not to criticize, but to hopefully show any vulnerable naive person who reads your harmful words that there is no credence there. There is nothing but a man too selfish to recognize he just spit in the face of an unbelievably courageous woman who was brave enough to write this beautiful article, using her personal story to help others with the wisdom she has gained from her experiences and from her relationship with Christ.
I made a mistake. I said the first sentence was true. Actually I’m pretty sure the accurate percentage of Christian men who have been exposed to porn is closer to 100 percent.
Dan,
It’s important to understand the hermeneutics of 1 Corinthians 7. The Christians in Corinth wrote to Paul asking him about celibacy since the presence of sexual immorality in Corinth was everywhere at the time. Since the fear of sexual immorality was so great and they saw what was happening in Corinth they took things to an extreme and made a decision not to have sex with one another. Many married couples abstained from sex out of fear. The question they were asking was if was ok for a husband and wife to have each other in a sexual sense. They feared sexual immorality that much! This was not a case of wife denying her husband because she had a headache. Also, early Christians in Corinth were prone to practice asceticism (extreme self-denial for religious purposes). Paul starts by saying “it’s good for a man not to have sex with a woman, but because of sexual temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife” He goes on to say don’t deprive one another and your body is not your own but if you don’t understand the reason behind it you miss the entire point. Paul addresses the men first, not the women. He also adds that this is a concession not a command. Dan, it’s difficult for me to believe how easy it is for men to blame their sin on their wives these days. Please be careful in how you interpret scripture and try to see your part in this.
For the record, I never refused my husband and I am an attractive lady. Don’t use that as an excuse.
Dan, speaking as a wife of someone who struggles with porn and lust, it isn’t that simple. I don’t think you understand how much of a gift it is for your wife to share her body with you. When your husband betrays/ rejects/ ignores/ disrespects/ doesn’t cherish this gift by lusting after other women, how do you think the wife feels? It is very difficult for a woman to be interested in sex with a man she feels is not going to cherish one of the greatest gifts she can give him. If you expect your wife to have sex with you and to put forth an effort, you need to not only undo the hurt you have caused but make her feel like the most beautiful woman to you as she may have once felt. I know in the beginning of my marriage, I was very confident with my husband and was very engaged, willing, and open when it came to our sexual relationship. After 3-4 years of on and off porn/ lust issues, I have lost that confidence in being able to turn on my husband. I am still very interested in sex and desire more than anything a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. But when I am with him, I feel ashamed and like I have to compete with his extensive past (and present). More than anything do I want to hear him tell me I am beautiful, that I turn him on, that I am enough for him… but no matter how much I have verbalized my struggles, he has yet to give me any assurances. I am starting to get suspicious that he only comes to me for an “outlet” to his lust– not because he actually desires me or to be intimate with me. Sex is all about him and when he wants it. He seems to only be turned on after seeing/ lusting after another woman. What wife wants to be intimate and share her body with someone doing that?
All I am saying Dan, stop thinking about yourself and maybe your wife will put down the distractions that shield her from the harsh reality that is her marriage.
Ok Dan… I somewhat agree with your “one more thing” post but I think you are wording it wrong. The way you are wording it is blaming it too much on your wife which women will get upset about. It is not her responsibility to win you over. It is her responsibility though to have sex with you. It is also not her fault that you strayed. It is very difficult to be sexually frustrated. However just because you are starving does it give you the right to steal?
It’s debilitating when you find out your husband has been watching porn. Men really don’t get it, they see it as a ‘fantasy’. Well I wonder if they’d see their divorce as a fantasy too?
It is too terrible. After finding out about my husband’s porn watching (aka jacking off to other women’s …..) I have been completely devastated.
Gone through the stages of wrath, betrayal, lies, etc.
AND… What men don’t know,from a woman’s point of view (after finding out) there are triggers all the time! Ones life changes afterwards.
I get that it is easy for men to look at these images/videos but since when did we become barbaric that we cannot make CHOICES?
Hell, I feel like going down the road every now and then to spend time with the electrician… Do I? NO!
I’m tired of this excuse that ‘men’ have needs… We -are not savages and we don’t live in the stone ages anymore. I
Does your husband not understand why you are so devastated right now?
Unfortunately this is so common from the couples I speak with. His secret life is now “out in the open” and while he doesn’t like it, he has been dealing with his issue for a long time. To the woman, it is a brand new problem and merits fresh attention. The guy, who’s learned to live with his sin, doesn’t know what all the fuss is about, but the woman is devastated and dying to be understood. It’s terrible.
For your own sanity, I urge you to download this e-book, written to women in your shoes. I hope it is a help to you right now.
I’m about to download this, and I hope it helps! I try to be cool with his looking at porn, and honestly I look at hentai… so I have issues too. But it hurts to know that he is attracted to STRANGE stuff. Not just regular run of the mill porn, but male to female transformation, furry, etc… it worries me more than anything. I am so afraid I am going to wake up one day and my life with him will be over. I honestly can sit here and say at the moment, I am so lost… that I don’t know if I could psychically survive without having a heart attack and / or driving off into Tahoe.
This is, unfortunately, the direction a lot of porn goes. Because our brains weren’t built for constant hits of sexual pleasure hormones, eventually we get numb to watching plain old vanilla porn and we turn to weirder things to get the same high. This is one of the reasons why many counselors believe porn is so addictive.
Have you spoken to your husband about this issue in both of your lives?
Yes, I have and I have admitted once in a while I lapse to him. He keeps lapsing and that hurts. I think we need to go to counseling.
I feel alone lost betrayed i know i have all the proof i need that hes called escorts online porn why do i feel like i need him to admit what he refuses to admit… i just want him to love me enough to tell me the truth instead he only gets angry… the pain is consuming me
It is maddening isn’t it. Have you confronted your husband with your evidence? What exactly does he say to you?
Yes many times he just gets angry a denies it and expects me to act like nothing happened. Just last night i asked him begged him to talk to me … he ignored me completley. Im sitting right now in a clinic so embarassed to have SYD testDone.
Wow. Your husband needs to have his head checked.
Anger and silence are his defense mechanisms. He knows he can get under your skin by belittling you and making you do all the questioning. When you talk to him next, it is important do everything you can to remain calm and level-headed. The more he realizes he isn’t controlling with his attitude, the more he will have to come to terms with his childish behavior.
I might say something like this, “I noticed this stuff on the computer. [Give the evidence.] You said before that you didn’t look at this stuff. Is that right?” If he still denies it, say vey calmly. “I know you are lying to me because you don’t want me to realize that you are paying for sex or planning on paying for sex with women. Unless you can demonstrate to me why I’m wrong, I will assume that you are pursuing this. Each time I’ve asked you, you get angry and expect me to pretend like nothing happened, but you’ve done nothing to demonstrate that you are trustworthy.”
If he gets angry, remain very calm and say, “Anger doesn’t erase what you’ve done. Shouting doesn’t make me believe you; in fact, it only demonstrates to me that you are being defensive because you have something to hide. Do you have anything productive to say that will help me to trust you.”
If he continues to get angry, again, stay calm and say, “I’m going to walk away now and come back when you have calmed down to continue this discussion.” Make it abundantly clear with your attitude that he is the one who is out of control.
If he ignores you, don’t beg him to talk. Remain calm and say, “I see you are using silence in the hopes that I won’t talk to you anymore about this. I’m married to you and care about you, and I hate to see you doing this to yourself and to us, so I will not just leave this alone. I’ll come talk to you a little later when you are ready to talk.”
Luke i have pretty much done that he gets angry but in a calm way hes very calm person i belive he will never tell me. But Luke i want to say god bless u for being on here and advising me. I dont feel so alone right now. Just scared i pray my std tests come back negative and if my husband is a sex addict as i suspect i wish he would get help but i dont see that happening
No matter what his reaction is, he just needs to know that you do not tolerate this behavior.
What do you think your next steps should be in order to protect yourself?
So true…
I have been married 4 years together 10 have four kids together my husband is a porn fanatic and lies to me about it he’s promised he wouldn’t do it again and I find it under my mattress and when I go to him he lies and gets angry I just feel UN wanted ashamed. Gross I feel he doesn’t love me or my body and needs something better I just want him to fantasize about me not those porn sites
Hi Mindy,
Well, there’s not much we can do about other people’s choices, much less their fantasy lives. This is the really sad and difficult thing that every spouse has to face in a situation like this: all we can control is ourselves and our own choices. You’ve got to consider what healthy boundaries might look like for you. Here and here are two articles to help you think about that. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and consider your boundaries. You might also like the check out the online site, Bloom, which is full of resources for women.
So i know stupid question but i feel if a man is googling escorts and favorite them on his phone from backpage in every city he works in calls them has had a online dating sitSince 1999 and visits porn sites daily i assume his excuse hes just curious but never meet anyone is a lie my gut tells me he has.
He may have never met someone, but the fact remains that he is still doing something that is equivalent to cheating on you. Would he be okay with you having erotic chats with men online? Would he be okay with you comparing him to other men? If so, then he is far gone when it comes to what marriage really means.
In ur opinion what do you think is going to fix this. He replied with a simple NOTHING…so i responded with.. Then is that is the best answer you can give to the wife you say you love so much? Tell me that you are to selfish to tell your wife what she needs to know what she deserves to know. He did not respond so i am about to let him know that i will not ignore his actions and that I will no longer put my self in this situation that is causing me so much pain for a man who cares more for his self than me. With that said i informed him I am leaving him .
Of course, it is impossible for someone who has so little information about your story to give you sage advice, but on the surface, I would say that putting distance between yourself and your husband is a necessary thing, especially if this problem has been going on a long time. He needs to see that his actions have consequences (like your broken trust).
Do you have a support network to help you at this time?
I understand but your advice was exactlly what i needed to have the courage to put down my foot and realize this was not my fault and no i have no support people or group i looked online but no luck if you know of any i would appreciate the info i live in memphis tn
I’m not sure what support networks exist in that area, but if you contact a local counselor, he or she will probably be able to help you. Use this directory and see if a counselor is willing to point you in the direction of a support group.
Thank you and since our last message my husband decided to finally admit he had a addiction and asked for help so currently im looking for him a psychiatrist. I may never know if he had actual sexual contact with these girls but all i can do is protect myself and continue to show him support but also continue to show him i will NOT put up or accept this behavior…thank u and god bless u
Your whole family will be in my prayers. Thanks, Christina.
My husband is not a Christian and does not see porn as sinful or wrong in any way. He has major self esteem issues and wants me (who is “safe” I guess and won’t leave him) to be a one-dimensional submissive object in bed just as your article describes. I say “no – just love me as a person” and I am accused of being frigid, unable to compromise etc etc. This is issue #99 of a long list of problems our marriage is facing. Any suggestions?
Hi Jan,
Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? Even if he’s too prideful to admit he needs it, tell him, “Look, I want us to have a great marriage and great sex life. Obviously, there are things getting in the way of that. I want to find out what those things are so we can enjoy one another.”
As far as his love of porn goes, even if he doesn’t embrace a Christian perspective, he should know there are thousands of individuals in the world right now who have no religious affiliation and are ditching porn for good. They see how it is damaging their abilities to make love to a real woman and they want to be free of it. They want to connect with their wife on a personal, emotional level, not just a sexual level. They want to experience sex the way it was meant to be: the uniting of two persons in love and passion, not masturbating to pixels on a screen.
Great article!
Dan, your opinion is quite different and charged with emotion. I can sense your frustration and I’m thankful for your honesty and willingness to share your feelings. You are not wrong for how you feel. I have thought many of same things you express. Why don’t Christian wives, who are seeking to love their husbands try harder to seduce and tempt? Who’s fault is it anyway, when a spouse seeks sexual gratification elsewhere? The problem isn’t your feelings. They are perfectly normal for someone who has bought into the lies of the enemy. I know, because I was there. The problem is what you believe and right now it seems like you’re believing in yourself. Trust me, I’ve tried everything in my power to hang on to false idols as well. I even convinced myself that if my spouse believed the same things I did not only would our sex life rock, but we could overcome just about everything just by sheer desire and ability to turn to one another and escape into a world of play and fantasy anytime.Yes, we could be on the same “drug” together. We can destroy our kids and our relationship together. That way the failure wouldn’t be all on me and at least maybe we’ll have fun on the way to hell. Thankfully my spouse isn’t like me. Out of my own frustration and desperation I began to seek answers and ask Jesus to be real to me. More real than my sex addiction. I prayed that God would reveal truth and that I would learn to be honest with Him, others and myself. I stopped praying for my spouse to change. I stopped praying for God to take away desires He created in man before sin ever entered the world and twisted them around. I prayed that I would learn to understand what it feels like to be delight in by the Lord regardless of the kind of day I am having. The Bible says “seek and you will find.” I believe this goes both ways. If you want to be convinced that rebellion is enticing you’ll find those who do too. If you are leading your wife in the ways of the Lord than why would you want her to “tempt” you the way porn (sin) does? The definition of tempt (vb): entice or attempt to entice (someone)to do or acquire something that they find attractive but know to be wrong or not beneficial. Maybe you meant to say that you want to feel attractive to your wife? That would be a vulnerable statement. Maybe tempt is the wrong word lets look at the word seduce. Porn certainly seems to do that. seduce (vb): attract (someone to a belief or into a course of action that is inadvisable or foolhardy. Is that what you desire from your wife? Maybe pursue: (vb) follow (someone or something) in order to catch or attract them. 2.continue to proceed along a path or route. According to one of the two definitions does your wife pursue you? Here’s a couple more. This might seem trivial but trust me. There’s truth in these simple definitions.
Idol:
1.An image used as an object of worship.
2. A false god. (these are what I always thought of)
3.One that is adored, often blindly or excessively.
4.Something visible but without substance.
Worship:
admiring love or devotion
Worthy: Good and deserving respect.
Having enough good qualities to be considered useful and important.
Honorable: Honest, ethical, moral, righteous, right-minded just, truthful, glorious, reliable.
Righteous: blameless, pure, moral, upright,
Also,
On the basis of OT teaching (e.g. Gen. 2:24, quoted in vs. 16), reaffirmed by Jesus (Mark 10:2-12), he believes that sexual intercourse is not an inconsequential, isolated act but one uniting man and woman in an intimate, complete, and enduring bond. Consequently he is revolted by the thought that a member of Christ’s body should ever be united with the body of a prostitute. In Corinth, most of the prostitutes were slave women attached to the service of a pagan temple. It was commonly thought that any man having sexual relations with with these sacred prostitutes entered into communion with the god whom they served (cf 10:18-22)
Idol worship….Can’t get away from it.
So let me ask you what your wife finds attractive and desirable? What fruit are you bearing that would make a Christian woman who has the Holy Spirit living in with in her want to lay with and give her body to you? How are doing at making her feel safe and meeting her needs? If she is not desiring you and this is tearing you up figure out why. Maybe you two use to connect sexually in naughty perverse ways but you’ve since found the Lord and she gave that idol up in repentance where as you’re still hanging on to it. Maybe? This I don’t know. Are you worthy of being worshiped according to the above definitions? On your most “spiritual days” how much time does God get? On your wost days how much time does he get? How about porn, women and your sexuality? Whether your giving it attention cause your fighting it or giving into it. Thinking about it or acting on it? Then ask yourself again….What and who and am I truly worshiping and why? No need to answer here. These are just for you, Dan. I asked myself and continue to ask myself because giving up idols that we’ve been devout to since elementary school is the hardest thing to do. Without God’s mercy and saving grace it’s impossible. Extend grace to you and your wife but ask Christ to help you to stop deceiving yourself and become Lord of your life. Everyday, thank him for the truth that He is bigger and stronger than this sin is. Then ask that He be glorified in removing the false idols in your life. God Bless
Thank you Luke. I appreciate your comments, but no – he won’t go to counselling. He has some significant mental health issues he has had for 40 years now and honestly believes “he doesn’t need other people’s help”. Still, I feel I understand the situation better now and can stop blaming myself all the time.
J
That’s a step in the right direction. I would encourage you to seek out counseling for yourself, if for no other reason than you need to figure out how best to respond to this situation. I encourage you to read: “7 Tips for Wives of Sex Addicts: Looking for a Good Therapist.”
You’re all so concerned about yourselves. Ever think about the woman enslaved to do porn, which is by the way, just filmed prostitution. She’s been beaten and addicted to perform for men who are grooming their orgasm to hate, pain, abuse and torture. Men who use porn are women haters, sexual exploiters and abusers. And you want to keep him around? What a man of God. What a role model.
I guess it’s a testimony to God’s grace. Not only do wives forgive their husbands, but even ex-performers forgive their captors.
Thank you!!! This is exactly what gets left out! We must pray for these women they are our sisters in Christ!
Pornography is filmed prostitution. When your husbands are using porn, they are using prostituted trafficked women, many locked up and forced to perform for the cameras, deliberately addicted and beaten by their pimps (website owner, boyfriend, father, husband, minister).
http://www.genderberg.com/phpNuke/modules.php?name=FAQ&myfaq=yes&id_cat=2&categories=Prostitution+FAQ#13
· Q. But you agree porn and stripping aren’t prostitution, right?
A. Of course they are. If getting paid to perform sex acts is prostitution, using a camera to record people getting paid to perform sex acts is recording prostitution. It is comforting for people to call porn performers ‘porn actresses’ to distance themselves emotionally from the truth that they pay a third party for recording of prostitutes being prostituted, but porn actresses have a lot more in common with other prostitutes than with other actresses, such as poverty, a history of child sex abuse and drug addictions.
Strip clubs, porn, Hooters, mail order brides, and other “sex work” are the prostitution of female sexuality for male consumption. In one study, 100% of strippers interviewed said they had been propositioned as prostitutes by strip club patrons, so if you don’t think strippers are prostitutes please recognize that your opinion differs greatly from that of men who spend their money to make women submit themselves sexually in strip clubs.
I agree with Ella because been there done that I do not deptive my husband of sex and infact started giving even more as I learned about his addiction and still he continued and is lieing but He is becoming more free because of deep wound inside himself healing you can give him all he wants listen the addicion of porn is a side affect of a deeply rooted wound inside the addict
Okay Ladies, here comes the truth…
After 8 years, I recently told my husband that sex (in ANY form) was off the table. Regular types of affection are fine…hello kiss, goodnight kiss or holding hands…if he is still open to that.
This is a last attempt to push the “reset” button…but not so much for him, as much as it is for ME.
I have endured all I humanly can endure…most of all, the SHAME. This shame is what HE should have felt, but instead, it became mine to bear. Shame for the way I am not enough to satisfy him, shame for the way I am put together physically (hot, but never hot enough), shame for the mechanical way sex takes place when he decides that he needs a hole to put it in.
The Bible says not to withhold sex “lest the devil gain a foothold for temptation”. Well, honestly, the devil has had my husband all along…in his last marriage as well as in this one. Putting out has never quelled my husband’s thirst for flirting, adultery, porn, or demanding perversion…so it is clear to me that I have become nothing more than accommodation for the devil to continue in my husband’s mind and heart.
My husband is spitting mad. Threatened to take care of his needs on his own.
Good. Leave me out of the equation…apparently I was never good enough…so now, kindly get the hell out of my garden.
A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still…that is so true. Tables are now turned. No more praying as I take a shower, begging God to get me through the sexual experience.
I have tried everything to protect myself…but one thing I did not do is refuse.
Bliss…now I do not have to worry about what he says about my body…don’t have to get dressed in the closet…don’t have to snoop around or avoid asking him questions when I suspect anything.
My loss is now going to be his loss…just as it rightfully should have been.
How long he asks? Till the Lord cleanses and heals us BOTH.
The truth is that my husband’s sin does not define the entirety of the man he is…he is otherwise a great husband. But it HAS defined where I stand in THAT area of his mind/heart…so now enter reality. Consequences.
Oops…forgot to tell you…he is 61 years old, and I am 59. This has been “his way” throughout his whole life…it does not cease with age. It will only cease with him grasping spiritual truth and the light of God shining into his heart and mind….I can wait, because nothing changes when nothing changes. :)
As a married man struggling with a porn addiction my advice to women is in spite of what is going on with his sin, make sure you do not fustrate youur spouse by depriving him sexually, the same goes for the men, make sure your wife is in need of nothing emotionally.
I have read this article and all the comments. It makes me feel both better and worse. I have confronted him about his porn and the adult dating/hookup sites I have found. He promised me that he would stop, he said I was enough for him, that he didn’t want to lose me, that even though he made profiles and messaged women(even though the messages “didn’t go through” bc he didn’t pay for the membership) that I meant more to him. Well it slowed down for a while, I even said if he could atleast only look like once a month, not every other day and I said no more hookup sites. He said he woud quit all together bc I was all he needed. Now he is at it again everytime I leave the house for almost anything. So usually atleast 1 a week up to 3 or 4 times a week. I tried being sexier. I tried stripping for him. I never withheld. I’ve tried to be better in the act. Last night just kinda blew my mind. I have a workout class on Mondays. I told him before class that I had “planned” something for after I got home. Which we did, then I find out while I was at class he pleasured himself anyway and even checked out a dating site along with the usual porn. I don’t think he takes this seriously and he seems extremely selfish when it comes to having sex and “his way”. I don’t know what else to do. Every other site says what he does is normal and has nothing to do with me and I shouldn’t worry about it or nag or check up on him. All I can say is HELP. Any and al suggestions welcomed.
Hi Sarah,
I agree that watching porn is “normal,” in the sense that a lot of men do it, but it certainly doesn’t make it right. What is marriage for but to devote yourself to one person, “forsaking all others.” It is a betrayal of your confidence. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
That said, I’m not unsympathetic to his situation. It sounds like porn has got its hooks in him. This is a real problem with many men today: its starts as an occasional pleasures, then a habit, and before you know it you can’t stop. Science is showing today that this sort of this works just like an addiction to drugs and alcohol.
I don’t say that to excuse him. He has chosen his slavery, and now he needs to get help.
It is true that this thing has nothing to do with you. You can act as sexy as you want, but the fact remains is that he’s trained his mind to be aroused in a particular way. The porn-watching experience has become what turns him on: the variety of women, the novelty, the forbiddenness. No woman, no matter how seductive, is going to be able to compete with an online harem.
I say that not to discourage you, but to release the pressure you feel to fix him. This is not your job. Of course intimacy between you and your husband is important, but not as a means to get him to stop looking at porn. That is a road he must travel intentionally.
There’s so much that can be said about him breaking free from this (and you can find a lot of that on this blog). I’d rather focus on next steps for you. I highly suggest you read these articles: “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”
I’m going to try to talk to him again soon. I have made a couple of lists so hopefully I don’t forget anything. I just feel like he either doesn’t get it or is too selfish. I have read some more blogs and articles on this site, which helps to reassure me that is not me and I shouldn’t put up with it. It makes me see a real difference in having sex and being intimate. When we have sex, its usually however he wants. Sometimes he does stuff that I don’t like or that hurts a little and he ignores me when I tell him to stop. I have to basically quit moving and firmly say NO STOP. Then he will quit that specific thing and continue sex, which sometimes for me is really hard to do. I worry that when he closes his eyes his is thinking of the women in the porn. I try to be more of what he is looking for but like you said, it doesn’t work and isn’t going to . I just worry if he doesn’t quit, and we ultimately have to split that he will ruin his life. He sometimes acts to quickly without thinking. I don’t want him to be stupid and lose his job or even go to jail. We currently only have one car, which is my car that I’ve been paying when he has and hasn’t had a job. If we split how will he get to work. I worry that this habit of porn he has makes him more likely to cheat in real life should the opportunity arise, which he said he would never do(but he also said he would quit porn). Its like a roller coaster, one day it feels awesome like it should- he loves me and is sweet and our life together feels great. Then, I find the porn and I feel sick to my stomach and disgusted and don’t even want him to touch me. I hate feeling like that, I just want that feeling of being sure within our relationship. I’m worried that eventually even if he quits however long from now, that it might be too late too save our relationship- that I may not be able to feel the same about him like I should.
You sound like you’re wrestling with a lot of important questions. First, I recommend speaking with someone who can give you good counsel that is tailored to your situation. Use this online directory to see if there’s a good counselor nearby.
He needs to know the seriousness of the problem by hearing how it is impacting you. As you said, you’ve already confronted him about it, but it sounds like its time to “up the ante.” He needs to know he stands a real chance of being without you (if only for a short time). You should not feel the pressure to have to perform according to porn standards, and he needs to come to grips with the fact that porn has warped his mind.
This is obviously a delicate topic, and shouldn’t be approached recklessly. That’s why I think you need to speak to someone who can talk you through this situation with wisdom.
Porn has become so all consuming and socially acceptable, it’s permeated so much of the media and culture that people assume to consume these highly produced images of multiple women is not only acceptable but even “natural”, which is a laugh.
I can tell you now, your husband watching porn has nothing to do with your worth, and everything to do with his lack of control over impulses and internalized disrespect toward you and other women. I am young and have had modeling offers more than once in my life, im “sexually available” to my husband, im usually considered to be very attractive according to the conventional ideals, and he still looks at it anyway. I downright refuse to accept excuses of the nature of “well these women mean nothing to me, it’s just a fantasy”. well I don’t want to be with a man who can look at women in such a way as that he sees people who he uses images of to “get off” as being less than human, because what’s going on in porn, which is usually very staged and painful/traumatic for the woman involved, is REAL. that woman is a real person too, and the industry behind what he consumes treats these women terribly. There’s no amount of money in the world that can make the trauma of being humiliated and even raped on film and having that distributed all over the internet for anyone to see, for anyone to jack off to and throw way, nothing could make that pain go away. I don’t want to be with a man who sees women this way, or separates those women into a class of subhumans in his mind, as if just because someone makes poor decisions or is in a situation where they participate in porn films, means that he can readily shame them while using their sin to his advantage. No one deserves that.
Inversely, I don’t want a man who sees every woman he looks at in porn as a potential sexual partner who he wishes he could really have sex with, because this is incredibly disrespectful to me and unfaithful. Again if it’s “just a fantasy”, why then does it occupy so much of his time and thoughts? I don’t think it’s healthy to have wide cognitive dissonance between the sex you frequently think about having, and the sex you have in real life. Despite what popular culture would want you to think, these things cannot and should not be divided. It is wrong to commodify sex and intimacy.
I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I know he watches porn almost every day. I don’t think why this makes me or any woman in such a situation uncomfortable really needs much explanation. It honestly makes me want to withdraw from sex and intimacy, knowing he does that. It makes me feel uncomfortable around him and I can’t help not trusting him knowing he turns to porn every day like it’s nothing. No matter what he says I know it influences him, I know it changes how he looks at me and at the women around him. I don’t want to be intimate with someone like that, why would I want to make missed vulnerable to such a person? Why would I want to open up around someone who enjoys looking at images and videos of women being humiliated and exploited every day, someone who is not truly faithful or committed to me as I am to him? It occupies my thoughts so much it debilitates me and makes it nearly impossible to work on my own life. I wish I knew what to do, but I don’t think he’ll ever stop. To not stop doing something that personally hurts me so much when you claim to love me… I don’t even want to think about it
Hi Sylvia. You’ve obviously thought a lot about this. When you talk to him about this, aside from saying that it doesn’t impact how he sees you, what does he say? Have you expressed all of these thoughts to your husband? Does he know how you feel?
I have been with my partner for 7 years, 18 months ago I had gone to bed early as I was unwell, I heard him setting up the laptop and getting drinks of whiskey, he went to the bathroom, I went to the lounge to find all his clothes on the floor, next to his clothes was a scooped jug of margarine and porn on the laptop. I can say without a doubt this chafed me from inside out, the deceit and the horror of the margarine was so discounting to me. I had so much trust in him, we have talked and talked about every subject including Porn so openly. I went crazy and just as has been said my trust in him and who he really is has never recovered. I too see that he looks at all women as porn stars, he perves all the time. We have had so many fights, he says he has stopped but I know he hasn’t. The lies continue, we have split up a few times are now together but the trus is so hard when the person you love is so dishonest. One of the hardest things is not being able to talk to anyone about this as it is so hard to bring up with anyone, you don’t know if they are going through the same, how do you ask. I die inside in silence, I hate what this has done to me, it has destroyed my happy beautiful soul as a person. Silvia I know how you feel.
Hey there, Sam. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in this relationship. It’s going to be so important for you to identify your own healthy boundaries in this situation. Here and here are a couple of articles to help you start thinking about that. You’d probably benefit a lot from a group–S Anon could be helpful, or even Al Anon if that’s available in your area. So many, many women are experiencing this same pain in relationships, but there’s a huge wall of shame and silence around the issue. I think if we can be brave enough to get into a group, that wall of shame and silence starts to fall and we’ll find ourselves in the healing company of others. Peace to you, Kay
Hey,
So I came to this website because I am very interested about if men can just STOP watching porn? My husband and I have been married for 2 years, in the begining we had a couple problems and after we had been married for 6 months he watched his last video. So he says. My husband is wonderful, trustworthy, faithful and caring. He loves me and speaks kindly to me and values me and everything I say. He does whatever I ask and is still very happy. What I wonder is, even though we are happy could he still be lieing to me? He knows if I knew id probably leave him for a while but do you think its possible for a man to just stop? That he could really love me enough to just stop? He doesn’t have a very high sex drive but still makes love to me about 2 times a week, not sure If its low T or what, but growing up sex was everything to me and he grew up in a Christian house so I feel like he could be telling me the truth and hasn’t been watching, but I just want some opinions or if anyone has experience, could he of really stopped? I don’t want to have such high hopes if he really is lieing and then be heartbroken. And some people will probably find me very silly to ask these questions when it sounds like our marriage is so great, I’m just very curious because I know how many people have such big problems with it, can’t believe how he could just stop!
Not knowing the depths of his previous porn-viewing habits, it’s really hard to say. Can a man just stop and not look at porn (intentionally) again? Yes. Could he be lying? Yes. I’ve known many men in both situations. How frequently was he looking at porn a couple years ago?
There are a variety of reasons why a man can have a lower-than-average sex drive: stress, anxiety, low dopamine levels, specific medications, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure. Plus, many men have a drop in testosterone as they age. According to Dr. Harry Fisch, married people under 30 have sex about twice a week, on average (so you may be experiencing fairly average). Porn viewing can also be a cause of low libido.
There’s no harm in continuing to build trust in your marriage. If you see an area where there could be more transparency, talk to him about it.
In the end, relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. People can (and will) let us down. Sometimes, they will betray us and it will hurt like nothing else. But as Christians we don’t enter into marriage with guarantees of unshakable bliss. We enter into marriage with the faith that God will use all the ups and downs of marriage to make us holy. It’s only when we stop putting our spouse on a pedestal, expecting them to be our security in life, that we can finally rest and enjoy the good gift that marriage is.
This goes to Dan… You say I should be sexually available to my husband. I can only laugh out loud. I’m available 24/7 to my husband unfortunately he can’t perform sex with me because he can’t get hard without porn. There’s nothing I can do to turn him on. Only the images of porn can give him a hard on. So how exactly does ‘being available’ make him stop watching porn?
It’s called porn-induced erectile dysfunction and many young, healthy men suffer from it. He’s trained his brain to be only turned on by porn. He has to abstain from porn and retrain his brain if he ever wants his sex life back.
Huh, my husband is laying in bed next to me at this very moment looking at porn. He said he had a problem with it but he makes no aren’t to change. We have recently gotten back together after I fired for divorce last year from his cheating. My fear is that the porn week lead him back into another women’s arms… to put it politely. How can I approach him about it without him getting defensive? It’s like he’s so callous to my feelings to be doing it right in front of me! We’ve been married for 17 years and have 2 teenage kids. A boy and a girl. Help! I want to save my marriage but I want to save me as well.
I suggest you both read two of our e-books. The first is Porn and Your Husband. It will give you practical tips on setting boundaries…and if he also reads it, he might glean insight into how his porn use is hurting you.
Make sure he in particular reads our e-book The Porn Circuit as well. He may not realize it, but his porn use is changing the way his brain works, so seeing the science may give him a wakeup call.
Sorry for all the typos, I’m using Swype.
I just have a simple question for the writer of this post. What did you do about these things? Were you still being intimate with your husband when he was indulging in porn? Did you guys do couple counseling? Or did he? What steps did he take to get free from this other than prayer and what did he do to reestablish trust between you guys?
April wrote a fairly detailed account of her story in our book, Hope After Porn.
it breaks my heart going through this same thing. I’m a 20 yr old pregnant mother. I had our first daughter a yr ago and am currently pregnant with our second daughter. I’ve always had insecurities about my looks that I knew even then we’re unfounded. I went from weighing 98 pounds pre pregnancy with our first to 130 at six months pregnant with our second. I just recently found out that my fiance has had an addiction to porn since he was seven. he’s promised to quit for me, but just last night I caught him watching it and lying about it. I’m at my wits end on what I can do to help work on his addiction. on top of trying to change up my looks to be sexier for him, I’ve been trying everything in my power to make him happy and distracted from the porn. been getting up with our daughter at seven in the morning and staying up with him till three in the morning to keep him distracted. I feel like I’m never going to be good enough for him to stop the porn . sometimes I even think it’d take me being in a crazy accident and getting hurt somehow for him to realize my feelings about wanting to feel wanted. I’ve asked some people for help and advice, but they’ve never been through this type of addiction or try to compare it to their relationship problems. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m never going to be good enough
If you haven’t downloaded Porn and Your Husband yet, you should. It will help explain what’s going on in your fiance’s head, and give you ideas for next steps to take to help him quit.
That being said, here are a few thoughts on your situation:
1. You say you’re tired of feeling like you’re never going to be good enough. The depressing reality is, he’s training himself for variety through a digital harem, so right now, you aren’t “enough” (and for the record, I hate using that word because it implies that sex is his “right” – it’s not). The key phrase is “right now.” As he detoxes, he will rewire his brain to bond sexually to you and only you. This will be a long process, but if he truly quits porn and focuses on your relationship, it will happen.
2. I’m being blatantly optimistic here, but he may not be lying about trying to quit. Many men think that because their porn use was secret, their recovery should be secret as well. Even if he’s not “addicted” to porn, it’s still addictive, and he likely will fall as he detoxes from it. You may have simply stumbled in at the wrong time. Of course, lying to you when you caught him was certainly not okay. (Neither was his porn use, but it’s an understandable failure.)
That being said, I recommend three things:
1. Reiterate that his porn use – and his lying about it – hurts you. Have him read “Porn and Your Husband,” which will actually give him insight into how much his porn use is tearing you up inside.
2. Have him pick a trusted mentor to hold him accountable for his Internet use. Don’t try to do it all yourself; it will only cause you pain.
3. Consider making his recovery a condition to getting married. Maybe it’s not 100% detox by the time you’re married, but he needs to take concrete, measurable steps toward quitting. Maybe it’s that he has chosen and met with a mentor at least 2-3 times, or even something as simple as “No computers/smartphones after 10 p.m.” If you’re going through premarital counseling, you might want to ask the counselor for some suggestions. If he doesn’t take these measurable steps, call off the engagement. You don’t want to deal with this your entire life. Even if you’re halfway through wedding planning and have bought the dress, it’s cheaper to call off a wedding than to deal with a divorce.
I feel like you have just described me… I needed this today.. More than you could know…
:'( I just don’t know what to do.Three months later after we got married I found under the guests bed about 50 porn movies, I was surprised but at the same time I was like “well he was alone for so long” our relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend was most of all by the phone because I was in a different country. Well, I acted like a normal person and asked him about them so that’s what he said because “he was alone, he entertained himself with that”….ok I throw them in a bag and took it away. Alright, everything was perfect until we got a new laptop six months later. After that, everything changed. He spent hours and hours configuring the software creating folders and I don’t know what else. One day I called his attention so he said he was playing spades online and invited me to watch him play, alright it was a wholesome entertainment. The days went by and began the nights, long nights because he stayed up until two three am “playing” so again I called his attention and talked to him let him know that I was a little uncomfortable because he was spending a little too much time on the laptop so he got mad. He started screaming and telling me that he couldn’t believe I was jealous of a computer, so ok I didn’t tell him anything else about that. I though that yes maybe I was jealous. But yes after that he stopped for like two weeks, he didn’t touch it for nothing. He started going to bed earlier than the usual, he wouldn’t wait for me, so at the time I came to bed he was sound asleep. Almost three weeks passed like that but then he started again, so now there began the real problems because at this time I didn’t tell him anything. One morning before he woke up I went trough the laptop history and yep all I found was a bunch of porn movies, so I asked him about that and again he got really mad. He told me I was crazy that it was just hallucinations so then he started using the incognito window so there’s nothing on the history but he still up late night. Our relationship began to deteriorate, we had almost not sex, there was not much confidence on my part. He didn’t wanted to touch me neither me touching him sometimes he wanted hard positions or like unusual things in bed and yes I tried to please him with all, even if it hurt my body AND my feelings, I just wanted to make him happy so wouldn’t look for it out nor watches porn. I didn’t mention anything about that for weeks, he wouldn’t accept that he watches porn anyways and I will be the crazy but I was depressed, angry, biter i got home sick, I felt trap, I was really bad. One night I was sleeping and I woke up about four am and he was still up, so I got up quietly and surprised him, he was there with the movie on and his ***** on his hands oh I was so mad I couldn’t say anything to him. The next day I tried to talk to him but again he denied everything. Right now we have been married for three years and seven months and I still know he watches it when I’m not at home, he does it when he is at work, on his cellphone and he still doesn’t accept that he has a problem. Right now I’m just like the housekeeper, no sex no communication, no affection? A part of me misses him but the other part feels disgust, anger, hatred. Right now more when three weeks ago I broke into his cellphone and :'( found that he has been looking on craigslist casual encounters and myredbook and a phone number that he said he doesn’t know who’s that. The worst thing is that he still doesn’t accept anything of that. We have not kids yet but my status migratory will be on risk if we get divorce. I just don’t know what to do or how because he doesn’t accept it so I can not help him. Sadly, when I know we have not had the best relationship for so long already I’d like to fix our marriage but I can’t by myself.
Please I need advices.
Thanks!
Hi Merceditas,
Your story is heartbreaking. It’s sad that there are so many men out there with loving wives who waste all their energy on a computer screen.
First, I understand your position is fragile, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put up boundaries with your husband. I highly recommend you read our book, Porn and Your Husband. It is totally free to download if you use this link. I also recommend you read through some of the articles in our “Rebuild Your Marriage” category.
It is so nice to know that there are other women out there who feel the same way I do. Not I would wish this pain on anyone, it is just nice to read through al the comments and know that some how even though I feel all alone I really am not. I have you all who are going through something similar. I wish it wasn’t this way. I married my husband almost two years ago when porn was not in his life. I married him because I knew he didn’t watch porn. We just had a child together at the beginning of the year and I noticed he was spending more and more time on his phone than with his family. From the minute he woke up until the minute he went to bed he was on his phone. I confronted him a month ago and he was very defensive and didn’t like me confronting him about this. He said he would stop. I also noticed his eyes were wondering more and more, he would say she looks good doesn’t she and other comments of other girls and If I just had their dress or those boots or her hair. I tried to let it go hoping he was actually not watching those videos. He stopped for two weeks, the sex was better he was more into it and I felt like things were looking up. I would love to have it at least three times a week, however he said all he wants to do is cuddle and hold me. I talked to him again about the porn because I looked on his phone and saw that he had been watching video after video after video for days and weeks. I confronted him again and he said it is something that will always be in his life. It is not something he can stop doing. WOW You have chosen porn over real sex with a real person who you vowed your marriage to. We both went into this marriage knowing that cheating is not what we will do to each other and divorce is not an option. Who knew it would come to this. Porn is cheating no matter how you put it. He is lusting after many women and those images are in his mind forever. He probably goes back to those images while we have sex. I just don’t know how much more I can take of this. How do I draw the line? what do I tell him to make him realize this is a real issue? I need help I can’t even focus at work anymore this is on my mind all the time. What about our baby?
I gave him a hand job recently he was limp most of the time and he said that wasn’t the first time he jacked off limp and still came. So we had sex four days after that and he went limp very fast, nobody enjoyed that night. I told him he has PISD or ED by porn. He is in denial and doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. I am not sure how many conversations I have to have with him so it sinks in. He gets so pissed when I even say the word, like it is something I am not allowed to say and I am not allowed to talk to anyone about this. he told me not to talk to his mother about this.
I feel so lost and so empty. I am having nightmares and starting to sleep walk again I am not enough for him and I am so afraid our marriage is over. He might have made a commitment to me but his eyes have not committed to me.
Hi Destroyed,
It is aggravating to hear about men like your husband. I understand the self-deception because I used to be trapped in that mindset as well, but it is still frustrating.
We published a book a while back for men who are experiencing problems in their love life because of porn. (It takes a purely secular approach and addresses the impact of porn on the brain.) If you think your husband might read it, pass it along. You can download the book, The Porn Circuit, here.
Wives facing these situations need to practice boundaries with their husband. This is difficult to do, but vital to save your sanity. I recommend you watch this video about that.
April,
I’m curious to know how you enabled your husband. Can you give specific examples?
Hi Marie: The best way to explain how I enabled him would be to say that I never brought it to the light. I hid his addiction because I was scared and ashamed.
I was scared to admit it to myself. I was scared that it was out of my control. I was scared that I would end up divorced and alone.
I was ashamed for my husband. I was ashamed that I wasn’t a good enough wife. I was ashamed that our marriage wasn’t as good as everyone else’s.
Shame, guilt and fear drove me to protect the secret. I enabled my husband to continue with his addiction because I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought of every thing that could be done to change him and to change his desires, but at the end of the day the ONLY answer was to bring it to the light.
In retrospect, I allowed myself to die slowly, day by day. I wish now that I would have gone to friends, family or a trusted mentor, advisor or pastor. It was out of my own foolishness and/or pride, that I protected the secret.
My challenge to you today, is to ask yourself why are you protecting the secret?
I am hurt right now as my husband put a lock on phone and on his browser on his phone you are still able to view the browser history. He left for fishing today and i felt wrong looking at his browser history but my gut feeling told me to do it, internet porn has been an issue in the past and i have caught him in the act on a couple occasions. I have reacted by being upset and then he reacts by being upset and ignoring more days like i did something wrong. This hurts so bad and today when i saw the last seven day history in his browser and it was all porn breaks my heart. I work from and i am home all day with him, he hasnt come home yet to confront this. I pray to god that he gives me the strength to be able to confront this in the right and calm mannered way.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It is sad how many men out there wrestle with this sin.
It is great to hear that you want to confront him in a calm and loving manner. Pray God will enable you be both compassionate and firm. Calmness is good, but don’t mistake calmness with being non-confrontational.
You might enjoy this post about steps you can take at this moment. Hopefully, it will bring some clarity.
In the end, the important thing to get across to him is what you expect of him, and not just about the porn. Certainly, you should say that you expect him not to look at porn, but you should also communicate that you expect him to get help from someone if he finds it hard to stop, and that you expect him to be honest with you about the nature and depth of this struggle. Ask questions about how long it has been going on, when he first started watching porn, when it turned into a habit, and how he feels about it. When you have this conversation, please come back here and let me know how it went.
If you need some help wrapping your mind around relationship recovery expectations, here’s another article you might enjoy.
Lol Porn is the best and all comments that support this post are from prude, christian housewives who deprive their husbands of stimulation. “Like dogs do it? Absolutely Not!” Grow up and enjoy yourselves whilst at least someone is interested in you.
Interesting blanket statement to say about a bunch of women you don’t personally know.
I found out that my husband had been going to live porn websites for years. I had a suspicion and told him that I hope he didn’t because to me that was cheating. I have to say that I try not to complain to my husband, so for me to say something to him was a big deal, and I did it nicely. To my disappointment, he continued going to live web sites, having live web sexual experiences with women. When I found out I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that the man I thought I knew would do this to me. I wanted to leave him but then I found out I was pregnant, (which was a blessing since he didn’t want to be intimate with me). So now I struggle, my daughter is the best thing to have ever happen to me, how do I raise her right when all I do when I look at her father is feel disappointed? I need help!
I can so relate to what you said here: that confronting the problem was a big deal for you, you did it nicely, and it had no impact. I’m so sorry! That’s so hard.
I don’t know if you had a chance to look at the book that’s referenced in April’s author notes at the bottom of the post? Hope After Porn is one of our most popular downloads, and it’s free. It’s the story of four different women and what they did in situations similar to yours. Each story talks about the boundaries that each person chose, which I think is really valuable. There’s not a one-size-fits-all, for-sure way to go. We all have to consider our own individual situations, and make the best choices we can.
I hope as you read through the resources here at Covenant Eyes, you’ll feel supported to make decisions that are healthy and right for you and your daughter. We write about boundaries a whole lot here. Here’s a link to one of our articles. I think about boundaries as if they’re the front door on our house. We all have one. We close it and lock it to protect ourselves and our families from harm. Emotionally, we need to have the same capacity to decide what we let in our lives, and to close the door against things we don’t want in our lives.
The other thing I hope you’ll find here is that we believe in healing. We believe in hope. We know that people CAN get better. Of course we also know that it takes time, and effort, and a ton of work and commitment on the part of the person who has the addiction. Lots of the articles here are about that process of getting free from addiction and what that looks like, but here’s one in particular that you could pass along to your husband, if he’s interested in what change might be like for him.
While you’re dealing with all this, I hope you’ve got people around you who can support you through it? If it’s hard to talk to friends and family, sometimes a counselor can be a huge help as you think through your boundaries and decide what to do next. We recommend checking the website at the American Association of Christian Counselors, for a counselor in your area.
I hope some of those resources will help you. Please let me know if you have other questions.
Blessings,
Kay
Thanks for your article, ive downloaded your ebook. I hope it can offer me some peace as I’m really really struggling with this and it’s affecting my ability to be a mother as it’s all in my head and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m neglecting my children because I’m so filled with rage, sorrow and heartbreak and my kids deserve better. It’s not their fault i don’t meet my husbands ideals of what classes as an attractive person. He may not say it but i know, I’m not stupid. I’m not the big breasted Jennifer Lawrence he craves and obviously sees as his ideal women cos I certainly don’t see him googling fat girl next doors. I’m overweight with breasts that have fed 2 small children, my thighs are dimpled with cellulite, i don’t have the perfectly cut and colored hair of a porn star instead i have a 140 cm of plain brown hair that isn’t cut, i always saw it as my crowning glory, my beautiful long brown hair but now I see in his mind it doesnt compare to them, ive carried 2 children in this stomach, its not the flat belly he adores. I thought if I excite things up, if i buy a new wardrobe, loose a few dress sizes, take a real interest in my looks he would to. But now I see the truth. Its not me, it’s not my fault, I did everything I was meant to do and still im not enough. All i am is a cook, a gardener, a housekeeper, a tailor, an incubator for children, a babysitter, he doesn’t need me as a lover. He already has his whores
Oh Hailey, I’m so sorry. But you’re right, it’s not about you or how you look. Even if you were “perfect” (whatever that is!) it wouldn’t be enough. It’s not about you. It’s about the addiction. Ultimately, he will have to take responsibility for himself.
And you will have to take responsibility for yourself as well.
You can see how this is impacting your kids–to say nothing of how it’s impacting you. I hope the ebook helps, and I hope you can find someone local to you, maybe a pastor, therapist, or support group to help you process through the pain you’re experiencing. From your reference to your hair length in cm, I’m guessing you’re not in the States! I am not very familiar with support systems other than in the US, but xxxChurch has some online groups for spouses that might be helpful to you.
You might also appreciate the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s not specific to porn, but the principles apply to all sorts of situations in marriage where boundaries are required.
Let me know if those things help and if you have further questions. Kay
Reading these is such a great help for me, but I’m completely lost. I’m a young woman, grew up with a wonderful, loving family in a Christ-centered church and yet I’ve been addicted to pornography on and off since I was a pre teen. It disgusts me to think about the person I’ve become. I grew up knowing that premarital sex wasn’t okay and I waited… until I thought I was in love with a non-Christian. He never pushed me to do anything, was actually very respectful of my relationship with Christ. And yet, I wanted him to love me, I wanted to please him. And I finally gave in. Not even to him, but to another friend of mine. I was 19 at the time, my first boyfriend had been killed in a car crash and nobody had ever told me they loved me (besides family of course). I just wanted to be loved. Now, I’m 21, I’ve slept with 11 different guys, the 11th of whom is my fiancé. I love my fiancé very much, but I’ve been slowly letting him destroy my relationship with God. My porn use is back; I no longer go to church or read my Bible. Most of that stopped anyway, once I started partying here at my university and sleeping around. I told myself it was okay. I told myself I didn’t need “organized religion”, that I have my belief and that’s enough–I don’t need to obey God. And for a while, I’ve been allowing myself to believe that. But God has been trying to pull me back since that first time and I’m finally going to let him. I don’t know what to do for my fiancé, though. He grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, and even though he stopped attending church with his family in 6th grade (his parents had cheated on each other and I think he gave up on God at that point), he still believes in God and that Jesus is his son, but he doesn’t believe he needs a Savior. He doesn’t believe people need church. And he certainly doesn’t believe that pornography or sex outside of marriage is wrong. In fact, he thinks it’s completely normal to watch porn and to have sex as much as you want. He thinks Christianity is stupid for telling people not to give in to our natural urges. I’m at a loss. Breaking off the engagement with him, I think, would be the best way for me to get my life back on track… But it kills me to think of doing that. Please, I need advice. I am so lost right now.
Hey Emily. Thanks for being so honest and open. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of choices that you now regret. I want to tell you that there’s hope and redemption for you, no matter what. I believe that from the bottom of my heart! I think you know what you need to do, although it seems like a painful step to take.
I would encourage you to get with some people who can support you in healthy choices. Find a counselor, or maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery, or maybe both.
I think you would also benefit from thinking about your boundaries, and what kinds of choices you’d like to make going forward. There’s a whole series of books on Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that you might find helpful.
Blessings, Kay
I shed lots of tears while reading everyone’s comments. Hurts me to see that other wives are going through this. My husband is in the military, so lots of time apart. He’s deployed four times and has had several other separations. We are high school sweethearts and have been married for twelve years. Porn never really bothered me until ED set in. Once that happened there was no denying that something was wrong. Had no clue that he was addicted to porn but in December he swore that he would not watch it. Well yesterday he forgot his phone so I decided to check it and sure enough porn pops up. Not sure how I could be such an idiot and not at least have some suspicion but I trusted him. We were talking about having more kids and we had a date morning. I just feel so betrayed like how could he look me in the face and deny. Instead of harboring his secret, I’ve decided to tell his mom. If I continue to keep this between us two, he will continue to do it and then apologize. Never ending cycle. I enjoy sex with a human. Not sure why he loves his hand and watching fake women. I just feel disgusted.
Hey there CJ. Yeah, it is tough reading through all the pain! I answer comments here every day and it still gets to me, too. It’s real people, it’s real heart-break. And your story is like that too. I’m glad you were able to feel connected here, and I hope reading the blog continues to give you a sense of community and hope in a tough journey.
Here’s the mother lode of articles for women on the blog–the ones we find women come back to time and time again. I hope you’ll find some help there. You might also like our free downloads, Hope After Porn and Porn and Your Husband.
I want to say to you at this point, it’s really normal to feel really bad when you make a discovery like this. In fact, a lot of women will meet the criteria for PTSD. So while of course we want your husband to do all the things he should do (filter his internet, get accountability in place, go to a group, see a counselor), I want to make sure that YOU get the support YOU need. I think it’s a good idea to bring in some family members who can help and support you both. You might also want to look for a counselor in your area just for your own recovery, as well.
I’m male, early 30s, and feel sorry for women who are experiencing this problem with their husband. For those who still ask “How could he do such a thing?” , “Doesn’t he realize it hurts me?” , “Am I not good enough?” and similar questions, you have to understand the problem is NOT YOU. I could tell from male point of view even if you are PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY PERFECT, your spouse may still fall to porn and it’s NOT because of you.
The article describes the cause of the problem with terrific accuracy. Porn addiction can make males delusional. He could have a physically perfect wife and still watch porn for many reasons: curiosity, entertainment, trying to relieve from stress, running away from problems.
Why he keep his addiction secret (and deny if caught / lie) ? He knows it’s wrong, but he would not like to seem weak, would not like others know he couldn’t handle his addiction.
“I have been a caring wife and not ugly, but why does he prefer to watch porn?” He understands making love is two way effort. He has to give something to receive something, or if he receive something he is obligated to give something. He prefers to watch porn because it’s effortless, he doesn’t need to sweet talk, try to please, and listen to your problems/desires/hope.
I think the solution is ultimately pray hard and long for deliverance while trying to understand the situation
Sadly for me the damage from porn usage doesn’t just go away even if it’s in the past. My husband’s past usage (20 years ago!) set the scene for a long battle of body image / lack of sexual confidence issues that were previously not there for me. Naively entering marriage thinking my body would be a gift to him as his to me I learned that he had ‘preferences’. Great. What does that mean? The perfect shaped butt, breasts, shape etc etc. ok, so now we women like to please but are up against competition now. Eventually lack of confidence sets in especially as one ages and eventually despair. Why bother trying? I have always known from 20 years ago what these preferences were and am reminded of the struggle it is to be satisfied with ones wife since he has to fight temptation. I’m tired of being in the face of constant competition for my husband’s sexual attention, it’s emotionally exhausting and leaves wives feeling humiliated and ashamed of their bodies. Tired of living that way, I totally understand why women become refusers to protect themselves. Many men argue that they compartmentalise their lives (wife=love! hot babe=sex) so they should have no problem understanding wives compartmentalising their emotions and body from their husband in response to these pressures. This is very sad because the usage stopped many many years ago and he is happy because of that but I always know it’s just around the corner waiting at any time and my body image etc never recovered. Sad.
Your story makes me really sad, because it sounds like your husband has done well in recovery, but you haven’t. And unfortunately, I think this is not all that uncommon with porn addiction. All the focus is on getting the guy to stop looking, which is great and needs to happen! But so often, women don’t get the support they need in recovery, and the feelings of low self-esteem and body image issues are indicative of that to me.
The good news is, it’s not too late for you!
I would strongly encourage you to work on your own issues, just like your husband has worked on his. His part was to deal with his porn habit. Your part is to deal with the emotional fallout you experienced. We talked about body image for wives on a podcast just recently, and you can find that here.
I think a group like Celebrate Recovery could be really helpful for you. Also, personal counseling would probably be a great help as well.
I just hope that you’ll reach out for the healing you need, because it’s totally available. You don’t have to live with this your whole life! You can get well and be free! Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay, I have listened to the podcast and it was very helpful. The body image issue is complex. I feel good about myself at work (I work in an all female environment), with my friends, with extended family, at church and believe wholeheartedly that God made me and loves me as I am. I feel shame about my body around my husband (clothed or not), I have pinpointed it to just his presence. I am accepting of my imperfections when I don’t have to share my body with him in any way, he has become the judge and it’s not possible to have intimacy when one believes they are being silently critiqued, it’s a trust issue. Basically, I realise I have a phobia response toward my husband and I’m going to need professional help with that or leave.
I really hope that men come to realise they are playing with fire when they dabble in this way and it’s not worth losing the heart, respect and body of the woman they married. Ultimately they lose out in some way from the fallout.
I’m glad it helped. It’s such a tough thing! I’m glad you’re thinking about getting professional help as you work through this. Having a trustworthy outsider’s perspective can be so helpful! And you’re right, men are losing so much more than they realize. It’s scary and sad to think about, really. Blessings, Kay
I am 21 and my husband is 48. We have been married for 2 years tomorrow and I have caught him watching porn multiple times. I have tried everything I can think of to make him stop and he always says he will or he has. Every time I catch him and I confront him about it, he tries to hide it and lies to me about it. I am heartbroken. If it doesn’t stop soon I have no choice but to take our 8 month old daughter and leave. I can’t handle the heart ache any longer. I am in tears even as I write this.
Trish, I am so sorry that you are in such a sad situation. My heart just breaks for you. I think you are wise, though, to understand that he is the only person who can deal with this problem. And as difficult as it is, sometimes separation is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself–and even for him. I don’t know if you’ve found our free download, Hope After Porn? You might appreciate reading through that, as several women talk about the boundaries they needed to have during recovery. Some of them found that separation was necessary.
Whatever happens, I hope you will seek support for yourself in this. I’d suggest a group–Celebrate Recovery is pretty easy to find in lots of places. Also, personal counseling could be a huge help to you as you walk through this and decide what is best in the days ahead. Blessings to you, Kay
My husband & I have been together 3 years. Living single before, I did partake in pornography on occasion. We have watched it together, as well.
The first time I caught him was 2 years ago, a couple of weeks after he had a vasectomy reversal. I was annoyed & blamed the reasoning as he shouldn’t be wasting his seed. Prior to that, I had gotten drunk, put some on alone, and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow, he came home to see it playing (looped) & me asleep. He asked how that would make me feel, roles reversed. I admitted I would feel like a failure & promised not to do it again. I felt a lot of shame by his line of questioning. Then shortly down the road, I see his Google search history. Again, I blamed trying to have a baby & reminded him of the conversation, noting he knew my reaction.
I haven’t trusted him since. I will trust him when I trust him, made a point to dig privately, but it wasn’t until 6 mos later that while going through the Norton software that a “silent mode” report noted video plays & the description. It only went back 30 days, but it was a multiple time a week event. The moment I left on his days off, he was at it. It sickened me. He had already been complaining that he couldn’t keep up with me (wanting it a mere once a day), and obviously, JO daily was his priority. I’m assuming anyway since he probably didn’t sit there & tell him hand it was wearing him out.
I am attractive & fit. He received oral daily. There were no limitations or exclusions for him & I (minus the obvious- legality, waste exchange, etc.). We were still trying to conceive & not only did the sneaking/lying hurt, but analysis post-reversal had his swimmers “challenged”. I was extremely hurt, he promised not to do it again (while pointing the finger at me on my old practice of using porn). Since then, 3 more times in less than a year I’ve found proof. Once while holding his phone & reading off the history, he stood there & DENIED IT. That really enraged me. The next to the last time, I told him it was either BJ’s or the porn because he could get those bitches on TV to suck his —-. He chose BJ’s from me. I was also pregnant, feeling fat, but my drive was through the roof. I felt disgusting. I even had men hitting on me while I was late in my pregnancy, I was rocking it, but I needed validation from my husband. 6 days after a vaginal delivery, I am orally pleasing him. And consistently. So the last time, baby is born & my mother-in-law is visiting, I contacted his ex-wife, needing to know what I was up against, having already been told by him he didn’t have an addiction. The ex is not thought of highly by anyone in his family, especially my MIL. He catches her responding to me, I told him the truth, I was hating him because of what I JUST caught him doing yet again, and I was at my wit’s end. I had a sneaking suspicion he was going to tell his mom once they were alone. They come back from running an errand & I point blank asked him, “did you tell your mom your ex & I have messaged each other?” He said he had. I asked if he gave her the explanation, that he was a porn addict. I’m talking low, she’s nearby, and he is signaling for me to speak even quieter. I walked away. MIL joins me in the garage, asks why I don’t seem happy. I told her that I knew he had told her I was contacting the ex & for him to leave it at that had to of made me appear crazy, she nodded in agreement. I told her that her son was a porn addict & I was at the end of my rope & desperate. I told her I felt devalued with him watching it, he’s told me repeatedly he would stop, & I cried telling her this, saying how embarrassed it made me & how I didn’t share it with my own mom. She was floored & upset. I left with the baby to go hang out with my folks for the evening, stayed the night there. I didn’t respond to their texts. I wanted HIM to see what it will be like with his family gone. When I came back the next day (4/15) I gave him the most serious of all ultimatums, that I was leaving & done if it happens again, so he needed to pick right then. He said me. I’ve heard this so many times before. I hate what his porn viewing has turned me into, a forensic investigator of everything computerish. I’m obsessive about it. Never before would I have thought about going through anyone’s belongings or trying to catch them in a lie. I want to feel good about him, trust him, believe in our marriage. I also lost a parent (we were extremely close) last month & didn’t realize it (until he brought it up), but I waited 5 hours to tell him. I had informed everyone else. He was the last to know. Then I realized it, when he was bothered by that, I now have no confidence in my husband. I only told him so the baby could be watched while I showered & asked if he could drive me because I didn’t know if I should. Just a very bad situation. All because of pornography, he’s a liar that hurts me & I can’t count on him.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for the tough time you’re having right now. To have one of your parents pass away when you’re already feeling so insecure in your marriage–that’s a lot. I want to encourage you, first and foremost, to find a safe person who can help you process all the painful emotions you’re experiencing right now: the loss, the grief, the anger and broken trust. I think that a personal counselor would be very helpful as you go through all this.
You might also find help in some of our free downloads. Porn and Your Husband and Hope After Porn are written especially to women in your situation. There are ideas and resources for you there, and also stories of women who’ve been through the battle and come out okay on the other side.
It may be hard to imagine right now, but things can be okay again! If he’s willing to do the work, and you’re willing to work on your healing, you can get well as a couple. Each person has to take responsibility for themselves; he has to take steps and keep taking steps to get well, and so do you. You need help recovering and feeling like yourself again, but that can definitely happen!
You might also appreciate Jen and Craig Ferguson’s book, Clean Eyes, Pure Heart, which has been featured here recently. Jen talks a lot about being obsessive and policing her husband’s every move, and how she got past that.
Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
I just ran across this and must say I am glad to know my feelings are shared with many wives like me. I’ve been married for ten years now and both of us weren’t true Christians when we married. I surrendered my life to Christ in 2008 & so as I am dealing with trying to raise five children in a Godly manner and having all the stresses of motherhood and also trying to be a good wife, I feel deep down that somehow it is my fault my husband watches porn. The thing is, my sex drive was high in the beginning. His has been high the whole time. Like he wants to have sex daily if it were possible. But since I discovered years ago that he watches porn on occasion i guess my self worth has diminished. I have been deeply effected to the point of starving myself to lose weight. And also doing things in bed with him that are things I dont like….all in the name of trying to make him want me only. But while in bed, I am most vulnerable. I am feeling like he is comparing me to the women he sees. And as if I am not beautiful enough. He grabs my breasts and butt when we pass by eachother to let me know he wants sex….but this disgusts me to no end! Yes, I know men like showing they are interested by doing that but to me, it is disrespectful and makes me feel like an object. So…our sex life has suffered because I am almost completely turned off. I never really want sex with him anymore. Because I feel that his body is there but his mind is on those women. So then when I dont “put out” he gets angry at me. He tells me its my fault he looks at porn. He says that if I had sex with him more than once a week or every other week that he wouldnt need to watch it. He has no idea how hurt I am. I never really talk to him about this. Its been a long time since I brought it up. And lately I’ve been getting closer to God…so I know God will heal my hurt and if its His will…maybe even change my husband’s heart. But honestly at this point, I dont feel emotionally or spiritually close to him…I long for a Christian marriage without porn and sexual sin. But I have to be realistic and realize that my first priority is God. And so I can only trust in Him to heal our marriage. Its just so hard….words cannot describe the amount of damage this has done to my self esteem. It has broken me down so low….
Hey Sarah, I’m glad you found us here! Welcome! You’re not alone, that’s for sure.
I think you hit on something really important here: how women become objects when porn get involved in a relationship. As much as your husband objectifies you, you also objectify yourself by starving yourself and doing things sexually that you don’t like. He believes the lies of porn, but at some level, so do you. There’s only one person you’re responsible for, though: you. And while it would be great if your husband decided to get out of the lies of porn, at least YOU can get out! YOU don’t have to live under the lies that say you’re only valuable for how your body looks and what it provides sexually.
You might like the book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. We’ve got another article about boundaries here as well.
I would also encourage you to reach out for support and help, just for you. A personal counselor could be a help. Groups are great too; Celebrate Recovery meets at lots of churches in lots of places, and some of my clients have found AlAnon to be a big help when they couldn’t find a CR group in their area.
I hope your husband gets help, too. There are plenty of resources for him here–like this article about how to quit porn successfully, and free downloads, like Your Brain on Porn.
Meanwhile, know that you can get healthy all on your own. Let me know if those suggestions help and if you have other questions. Blessings, Kay
Wow I’m sitting here with tears running down my face seeing that I’m not the only one going through this. I have not spoken to him about it and I don’t know how to get to the topic as I’m scared it will end in a huge fight. I don’t understand how people say don’t take it personal it’s got nothing to do with you…..well I can’t help but take it personal who wouldn’t?? I mean really why would he watch porn and then want to sleep with me….it makes me feel like a stand-in
I’m so used to this crap. I am angered, disgusted, bitter, feel inferior and worst of all ashamed. I have been with my “fiance“- going four years in October. Truth is I’m a very insecure person, probably rooted from childhood so its been hammered into my head, I don’t want pity, but I am so tired of hearing I imagine things, I believe what I imagine, I’m jealous and an insecure woman. I have a good job, stability, outgoing, friendly and have two gorgeous kids, my daughter from a previous long term relationship of 10 years. I have a son with my current partner. My son was conceived watching porn and only because I thought I could accept the bringing a spark roll into my relationship because I knew he fancys porn, I thought I would brave up and agree to watching it so he could feel good and I could feel the love I desperately wanted after a rough road with arguments and quarrels. I wanted to show him I could to be fun, sexy, admirable..I am admitting to enjoying the moment, the sex, but after it all it was a question of why is this always in the bedroom, the porn was taking my relationship over, it came to sending him nude woman with gorgeous bodies, anything to make him happy, but it went on and on, him asking me to send daily, naked women, not me…that got him all hot…so it continued until I one day realized this is not right, this makes me feel sick to think my fiance prefers a quick release or eye candy rather than planning to show me love and attention I so wanted. Eventually I just said stop, this was ruining my relationship and taking over like the dark plague. Then the sex simply stopped. Like it wasn’t exciting anymore, well that’s how he made it feel, like he was bored, that I was using the porn as a way to make him feel guilty. Because its still haunting us. I know he masturbates. I spy I check his phone, I watch him. But then why must I live a lie. I’m miserable, sad, lonely, and know he despises me for not been a whore in the bedroom. His a fantastic father, a terrible partner and sometimes my worst enemy. Some days are better than others but deep down I know I will never look at him the same neither will we marry, its only a matter of time, I dunno years… I am not confused, I’m just depressed and need a change.
I feel so sad reading your story. I hear you just longing for love and emotional intimacy, and instead finding this substitute that leaves you feeling so bad about yourself. It’s heart breaking. Men are also not really finding what they need in porn; it gives a temporary sexual high maybe, but there’s nothing real or connected about it.
This is not about you not being enough in some way. This is about some terribly sad choices he makes to substitute porn for the real emotional intimacy you could have in your relationship. That’s a deep and painful loss for both of you to suffer.
Here’s what I’d say–reach out for help and support for YOU. Find safe, caring people who can help walk you through this as you consider what healthy choices you need to make. A personal counselor is a good place to start. Groups can be great, too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, even Al Anon. xxxChurch has online groups for partners, as well.
Here are some links to reading material you might find helpful: Hope After Porn (free download for women); here’s a boundaries article; and here’s a link to a catalog of our most popular posts for women. Educating yourself and seeing how other women have coped with this can be a real help, I think, so check those out.
I think you do need a change, for sure. Just make it a healthy change, and get support while you sort out what that will look like for you. Blessings, Kay
hi im tierd of my man desire to watch naked women im tierd . im tierd .
Yes, it’s exhausting to be in a relationship where your partner’s main relationship interest is porn. In fact, many women end up with symptoms that match the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Here’s what I hope you’ll be able to do: no matter what he chooses, YOU take care of YOU. Find a support group (xxxChurch, Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon). Find a counselor, just for you. Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you. I hope he will make better choices for the relationship, but no matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. Blessings, Kay
It’s been a yr I found my husbands profile on a porn site. He used fake name, he had so many porn friends. I read comment after comment to these people thanking them for being perfect in every way, of course the words he used were filth and so nasty I can’t say them here,,, one comment he thanked a woman for giving him a image when he’s with his wife. He asked them to do certain things on web cam. This is such a long story. But I lost my best friend, we have not had sex in two yrs, the only way he wants it is between my upper girls. I lost every bit of self worth. I want to leave and he said he loves me but won’t try to stop me. He was my rock, I have no friends because we relocated. Uuuuugggg I can’t,,
Hey Mary Ellen, I gave you some links related to your other comment, but here’s one on porn and divorce that you might find helpful. I’m so sorry. I’m just so sad for you. Kay
A little more info.. We have been married 31 yrs and found out he has been doing this most of it, I don’t think we were ever real. I gave him everything I loved loved him and he made me feel safe when rest of my world would be hard. I felt safe. That’s all gone now. I know now why he never wanted sex. I believe he may be gay, I asked him ten yrs ago, because our sex life was zip of course I felt it was me and tried very hard to be what a wife should be,, I remember over the yrs I asked him why he never wants sex but he said he would try but felt I wasn’t into it. It changed when he watched my son be born. He said it did change but that wasn’t it, but he never touched me again. Over the past yr I gained weight, started drinking, and now I feel nothing we are room mates that’s it. I found the dates he got on and talked to them, web cams were on our anniversary and the funeral of my sister who took her own life. I’m a shell of a person now.
Mary Ellen, I am so, so sorry. What a painful history you’ve shared here.
Whatever your husband’s issues may be, happens with your husband, YOU need support in this. You’re noticing changes in yourself over the past year that seem troubling to you, and you describe yourself as a shell of a person. Many, many women will meet the criteria for PTSD when their husbands have long-standing porn habits, and you’ve been dealing with this for years. Whatever he chooses, please get help for you.
Find a counselor who can help you through. Here’s a short animation about finding a best-fit counselor.
Peace, Kay
Ladies, the reason you shouldn’t believe Satan’s lie: “If only I were taller / thinner / more beautiful, then my husband would choose me over porn” is that even if you were tall, thin, and beautiful like one of those porn actresses… he would *still* look at porn, even if he knew that it was hurting you deeply. Ask me how I know that. :/
I’m not even married for three months, my husband and I dated long distance for a short period of time, got engage, few month later got married, we never lived together before getting married, he is 20 years older than me and I knew he watches porn as I know a lot of people does, I admit I have watched too. But that doesn’t make me feel not wanting sex. Once back from our honeymoon my husband confess to me that he has an ED problem and that he doesn’t want to take any pills for it, and with that our sex life is been to twice a month so I try to be understanding for our age difference but I found out he watches porn and enjoys himself. I told him I know he watches porn and he said he is not proud and blah blah blah. That makes me resentful, I was betting my self about it thinking I was not enough for him. Anyways I decided took the ultimate revenge, i do take care of myself, I workout, been loosing weight and he is noticing I been more flirticiois with him and other man too.
I like sex and I always wanted to have sex as often as I can. He is a wonderful guy in every other way but porn it’s his enjoyment, as for me I really been thinking that if I ever have the chance to get sex somewhere else I will. He talks about our life together thru the years and I think if he only wanted companionship I wish he’d tell me so we wouldn’t have to the hole marriage thing, since I waited for “the right man” i hate to think of divorce I never married thinking I wanted to cheat on my husband do the lack of sex and his porn addiction.
I don’t even know what to do anymore. My husband looked at some porn when we were dating and was always trying to have sex with me, I eventually gave in. Low self esteem and figured no one else wanted me. He came from a strong christian family. There wasn’t a lot of porn after we got married, but some, until about 3 years ago after he went to China on a business trip and got felt up by a bunch of women there. After that it led to craigslist searches and sexting, then physically cheating once. Then it was more emails and craigslist searching, then an ad for a threesome. Then spending 200 at a strip club on lap dances. we’ve talked, he knows how I feel about it all. But I keep finding youtube videos he watched on strip clubs now. And searches for hidden massage parlors and crap. We’ve been married 18 years and have 3 kids. I’m a stay at home mom with no job and no job skills. I want to leave, but I can’t. I also want to stay. I just want him to love and respect me. I just am so lonely and don’t know what I can do. No money to afford counceling.
Louise, if your husband can spend $200 at a strip club, there is PLENTY OF MONEY FOR YOU TO FIND A COUNSELOR!!! If your husband objects, well, this the cost of the choices he has made.
Find a therapist who is experienced with trauma care, because you are going through a very traumatic experience. Many women in this situation will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. Find a group. Pure Desire has groups for wives, and they are free. Many other ministries do the same. Search in your area until you find what works for you. Check out the online resources at Bloom–only $10/month for support groups, trauma-informed classes, resources–it’s a bargain!
Also, I am POSITIVE that you have more options than you think right now for your life. You absolutely do have job skills, and you absolutely can take care of yourself if need be (plus there’s child support!). You are NOT trapped, and you CAN CHOOSE a healthy life for yourself.
Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think about boundaries. You can’t control your husband, but you absolutely can control yourself.
Whatever he chooses, YOU CAN CHOOSE to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
I just wanted to let you know that each word you spoke felt like it was coming from my own mouth. Also I am 5’9 and a 36 D cup and I have somewhat of a flat tummy after having 2 kids and my husband does the same thing, so its not the attractiveness or unattractive traits that defines a womens desire by a man. i dont think will ever have the answer to that. I am sick of living this way. My husband really does not find me desirable unless i let him do me in the ass. When I ask him to please me he says that i am being a B***h if I tell him that i want to be touched a certain way. I am also allowed to not have an opinion as well as tell him what he is doing wrong or it will blow up to a heated argument. Simple stuff like dont leave your gabage out when theres a garbage can a foot away from you. I cannot ask him of anything when he gets home until he uses the bathroom and sees them. I will be all dolled up and everything and there he goes into the bathroom and believe me i have guys hitting on me all the time when I go out so I know it s not me. It continues to get worse and worse live porn sites, dating sites. The other day I saw a dl of a live porn in my phone and felt sick to my stomach. It makes me feel really ugly insecure not good enough. I confront him all the time and those are his exact answers as well. Why? because your a bitch a a nag and are mean and angry all the time yet hes been doing this for the last 10 years. Anyways did you fix it and how?
SJ, this problem is far beyond porn.
Calling you names is verbal abuse.
Not allowing you to have opinions is emotional abuse.
When confronted with reality, he gaslights you. That is form of mental abuse.
You are the sovereign of your own body. You are the person who decides what you like and don’t like. You are the person who says what kind of sex acts are enjoyable to you. When he doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries, that is sexual abuse.
You can’t stop him from being abusive. I know he’s told you that you’re responsible for him and his choices, but you are not. You are only responsible for your own choices.
What can you “fix?” Well, you can evaluate your boundaries and decide whether you want to be in a relationship with an abuser. Here’s an article on boundaries that might help.
I would suggest finding a counselor who is experienced with domestic abuse, someone to support you as you make these healthy new choices for yourself. You can also seek help at the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, where they will be able to help you find a shelter in your area if you need one.
Peace and healing,
Kay
HI….Id would like to say something to all the wives who’s husbands are addicted to porn. (And IM one of them too btw!!) yes, it HURTS, yes, it Sucks, yes, it makes us “feel really crappy” about ourselves … Now, when you hear someone say “Remember – it’s Not about YOU” THINK what their saying. Step OUTSIDE of your skin for a bit and LISTEN! Do YOU have anything in YOUR world that YOU wish you could do better? Or STOP doing..but u keep on doing it maybe?? I dunno…maybe, u overeat….maybe u yell at the kids…maybe u don’t go to the gym and you WISH you did…maybe you can’t quit smoking but you keep trying…(insert ur OWN issue)! MY issue is..I KEEP telling myself I’m gonna quit drinking SO much coffee!! Now before you throw ur shoe at me and say REALLY?? COFFEE??!! That’s not EVEN in the same universe as PORN!!?? I know- but you can see how many times I’ve forgiven. It’s been years of letting go of anger. If God can forgive ME 70 X 70… Well, I’m just in prayer for my man, and I extend forgiveness – and he KNOWS – oh HE KNOWS it hurts me. WE TALK. But I ALSO KNOW it’s really not about ME! It’s HIS hang up with the deceiver !! And he needs my prayer! So, that’s what I do. I don’t know- maybe this helped someone. It has really helped ME.
I’m glad that helps you to cope. Everyone manages their situation in their own way, and I’m glad you have a method that works for you.
I think the real issue is: how is pornography use impacting the emotional trust in the relationship? Is your partner able to “turn toward” you rather than turning away? This is the question The Gottman Institute addresses.
Here at Covenant Eyes, we recognize that healthy boundaries are an individual’s choice. Here, here, and here are some articles that discuss different boundary approaches.
Best post I have read yet. Even with all the odd caps. 😉 I’m sure many women here are being fully honest about their “availability” and trying harder and all of that. I have to take their word for it, and I, much like most of the husbands do take much of the blame, I will even take all of it if it makes my wife feel better. Though I doubt she would say she has tried as hard as she could. I will admit it does not matter if she does. We know when you are only doing it for us….Honestly that is almost worst then not at all. I want her to desire it and desire it creatively. The truth is, she does big time!…..about 3 days out of 30. So, being a guy who is actually capable of finding a new, younger, more adventures women every week if I decided to sin that “hard” I try really hard not to sin against my wife and god….Sometimes I mess up and look at porn. Not making excuses for it, but its the reality. She knows all this is true, but hey, you can’t fake desire. Who should I be mad at? Her? God? Satan? I will keep trying, but I’m not going to be treated like, or feel like the scum of the earth that some will paint me as. I will see you in heaven when all our sins are washed. 😉 The truth hurts. The truth is every one of us had sins we keep doing over and over. Some of them are our own written in these comments, and “we” don’t even see them. Suspense of disbelief.
I’m hurting my husband wants to be a woman. He looks at male to female videos and in reddit. He wears women’s clothes, he just recently lied to me about canceling an order in women’s jeans. I checked it and he had reordered and told the woman that I had ordered it and thought it was by mistakenly ordered. I found messages talking to someone on the internet, role-playing. It was pretty ugly. To me that is cheating. I keep staying for my son, he just turned two. I don’t want nothing to happen to my son, I’m scared that he will try and take him. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for almost eight years. I’m slowly giving up on us.
Cassie, it sounds like your husband has some issues he needs to clear up for himself that have nothing to do with you, and only to do with his own gender identity. I’m sorry for the pain that both of you are going through, but this sounds like something that is not about “cheating” but about his own stuff that he needs to work through. I would encourage you to find a therapist for yourself, someone who can help you consider what healthy boundaries look like for you, given the reality of this situation. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that may be helpful. Peace to you, Kay
I have read most of the comments. I understand and feel for everyones pain, including the husbands. I haven’t yet read this though…. Wives, do you sin? Is your sin not as great to god as your husbands? When you sin does your husband even know you have sinned? If he does, does he become an emotional wreck, obsess over it, talk about it with others, do everything he can to guilt you into changing? Stop reading, go back read what I said again. What is your sin that struggle with? Do you even know what it is, is it even considered a sin? Every single one of you has a sin nature, a sin that is common to you, and most likely it is a similar sin to your “sisters”. I am not suggesting that your husbands sin should be excepted at righteous, oh no! I am suggesting that you take the stick out of your own eye. In my own life I still regard lustful thoughts or porn as a sin, I can’t speak for you ladies but I know my wife hates it to, as I do her sin nature, but I forgive her, and her me. If she wanted to work with me to never look at porn again I would try, and I would have help. I still might fail, but she would, does and has forgiven me. If she wanted me to help her overcome her sin nature I would…actually I do. But most likely I wouldn’t be able to point it out when its happening. I guess Christian man are fortunate to some extent, our sins are hard to hide. If you ask me porn becoming more exceptable is much like the expectance and of women’s sins, they are not even looked at as sin. I will be back after the storm of comments. God Bless.
Completely agree! As a husband who adores his wife I can tell you (wives) that looking at porn has NOTHING to do with you. It has everything to do with a fixated and habitual physical and mental addiction. Now I have struggled with porn since my late teens and I would consider it under some control now, as I don’t “need” it but the desire still comes back and I unfortunately have still messed up. Even with covenant eyes on all devices there was still that physical pull to “Need” the porn. It’s horrible and I think if most men could simply say “ok you don’t like it, no problem” then it wouldn’t be an issue, but that’s not the case and most women simply don’t understand how difficult that is.
Its worth saying again.. It TRULY isn’t about you, he’s struggling and needs your LOVE and support regardless of how you feel he’s offended you. My wife is incredibly beautiful and continues to be the center of my fantasies, how am I to re-wire that?? Is it wrong? Well my wife hates that I struggle with porn (and me too) and gets very upset and I get scared because I don’t want to fight and I don’t want a divorce.. so I hide it, might tell a friend, therepist or pastor.. but not much changes overall. I would love to be perfect and not view porn ever again, that has not been the case regardless of how much I have tried or how much I have had the best of intentions, at some point I screw up and then that struggle overtakes. So on a personal note to all wives.. HELP.
Women who want to leave or divorce their husband because of a porn addiction issue has no understanding as to what’s happening. STOP GETTING OFFENDED! This is a struggle for MOST men for a reason, so go easy on him AND YOURSELF. What is needed is LOVE, GRACE and UNDERSTANDING. Most of these men are not bad men, its just that #thestuggleisreal so stand up for your husbands and pray.. even if he never changes! #LOVEBOLDLY
Every woman has the right and responsibility to set the boundaries that are right for her in that situation. Love, grace, and understanding? Absolutely. Accountability and responsibility? Yes, otherwise love is a joke, grace is cheap, and understanding becomes foolishness. I agree that these are not bad men, but often they are behaving very badly and that is what needs to change if the relationship is to become healthy and if men are to live up to the vows they made. We often share an article here called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. It is so, so important for women to know that God does not require them to remain in a traumatizing, sexually abusive situation. A healthy marriage and upheld wedding vows mean that both parties take responsibility for themselves: addicts for their behaviors and underlying compulsions, spouses for their trauma recovery and healthy boundaries.
This article has been the best post I have ever ever come across.
I have been fighting my husbands porn addiction for 13 years.
Always believing I was not enough, 3 kids, stretch marks, extra 20kg and saggy boobs.
We have had many many fights about it, often with him saying “it’s the freedom of it” “I’ll try stop” “it’s not you” blah blah blah
His porn addiction turned me into a worthless woman with no power.
But this post has given me a new outlook on life.
I AM WORTHY
I HAVE GOALS
I AM POWERFUL
I honestly am not even going to worry about what he thinks about me any more, I am tired of following him around like a sick puppy dog wanting to make life easier and more pleasant for him…. Why, hes never gone to 10% of the trouble I have.
He’s blatantly told me before that he won’t quit it unless I quit a habit of mine (Which happened to be me keeping peace in the house between him and the kids) :/
BUT I am a knew person after this, I’m going to print this article and read it every time I feel inadequate!
I am my own best friend, I shouldn’t rely on him to make me happy – that’s my job, how I see myself is what counts, for peets sake – I spent 27 months growing fully functioning little adults in my stomach – theres no way in heck that just returns to porn state (Gah!)
I am just the way God wants me to be and that’s who I will be now.
Hey there Che!
I’m so glad you’re feeling empowered to separate yourself from your husband’s choices. I love it! If you feel like you need support in that, check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. You might also appreciate reading some about boundaries: here, here, and here are some articles. The only way to healing is for each of us to take responsibility for ourselves and do our own emotional work.
Peace,
Kay
Good morning,
Good article, I did Bloom for women years ago, private therapy and now in an amazing program that is helping me with myself once again.
I am done trying with my husband, 33 years of porn, it started when he was a teen. I threw his large collection away when we were dating and told him to choose me or porn. Soon after we were married I found a “porn she’d” on the back of our property. Pictures cut out and hanging on the walls. Notebook categorizing the magazines and what pages each girl was in. As years progressed technology changed how he viewed, always finding new ways. Recently found 1,000 videos he had viewed in a matter of days.
He has gone to therapy tried (or said he did now he says he can’t remember) tried Convent Eyes. We have gone to weekend retreats for porn addiction help, now he says he is doing Covenant Eyes again. I believe the lies are the worst, he also uses porn when he wants to get back at me. He is so emotionally immature only operating in his sub conscious mind and not his conscious self.
I believe there is a point that it is over with. I have to move on and take myself out of this forever.
Patti,
I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been in for so many years. You are not required to be abused, ever. When you are ready to be free, be free. Thank you for sharing this brave moment with us.
Peace to you,
Kay
Even with or without a filter app, accountability partner, or counseling, the Spiritual Leader might even be setting up his family for out of the norm spiritual attacks. There’s a man who’s wife was in a car accident three years ago and whose back was injured enough that their “special times” were limited. She had to go on strong pain meds which made her moody, so he (selfishly with self pity) occasionally turned to porn. His excuse (which he himself confesses as dead wrong also) was “blocking out faces on the screen and imagining it was him and his wife”. Later the unthinkable happened. She was also once the victim of a rape at age 18 (a few years before her husband met her) and for the car wreck‘s back injury went to a massage therapist. It was there that the therapist in the midst of the session tried to molest her (which classified as a sexual assault too), and it retriggered PTSD from the 20 year ago rape. Her husband of course was shocked, angered, grief stricken, and almost went insane but went to both Christian and psychological counseling. He is not sure yet, but he believes his failures might have given the enemy an opening for an attack.
Men, you don’t know how, when, or where, but understand ITS NOT WORTH IT. You should know sometime and someday you’ll regret it and you cannot choose the severity or nature of the consequences NO MATTER HOW “JUST A LITTLE BIT” it is or was. Get right with God. Confess your sin. Get counseling and accountability ANY WAY YOU CAN, and STAY AWAY AS FAR AND FAST AS YOU CAN.
I am a 53 year old man who started watching porn at the age of around 6 years old. It started with magazines then later in my teenage I started with beta video and later vhs. I found such enjoyment in masterbating and became addicted right away. I don’t really know how it affected my 2 prior long relationships but it seemed as though it was no big deal to them. When the internet came about it was a porn addicts paradise. Every fetish to be explored . There came a time when I did want to stop and I prayed to God for help. I got married a year ago to a very Christian woman. When she first saw me looking at porn she became very disgusted with me. I Love her and have tried to stop watching it. When I’m alone it comes and plays on my mind. Pictures and video clips I’ve seen so much it is hard to deal with it. My wife has had dreams of me when I do watch porn and doesn’t talk to me for days saying I know your still doing that and even telling me what sites I visit. Not in a computer but my cell and she doesn’t know the password. Plus she also has dreams telling her how I feel about her and even a label I started putting on her. And I only spoke to 2 people at work about her. Two people who she doesn’t know or are friends with. I though the possibility of one of them telling her or maybe she bugged my cell or she has cameras in the house but nothing can tell her what’s in my head other than God and she has told me some thoughts I’ve had and kept a secret to myself. I think God chose her as my wife to help along with my purge of porn. I’m doing very good progress probably have seen porn 3 times this year. I still get thoughts of the vast porn I’ve seen over my life. But I succeed to dismiss it and think of something else. Prayer has worked for me and confessing it to a spiritual leader at church. And this for the ladies going through this with their husbands, I’m not justifying this but I wanted you to know that it’s his addiction and it’s his mental state, you could be a princess with a smoking body your husband will still watch porn. It’s about self gratification and selfishness about his needs. In his eyes, he loves you and your beautiful but his addiction interferes and he finds himself falling into porn. And a lot of times the woman were watching are much less attractive than our wives. At least that’s how I know and dealt with porn.
Hey Jerry,
Thank you for your honesty and your words about personal responsibility. We often see comments from men here that blame their wives for their choices, so thank you for standing against that kind of toxicity. I can see that you deeply value your wife and her insights. On behalf of all women here, thank you for seeing her and speaking about that here. So many women desire to be that kind of light to their husbands, and are instead blamed, shamed, and abused for their efforts.
As I read your comment, I wondered if you have ever had any help for your early childhood exposure to porn? As a therapist, I see that early exposure as abuse. There’s no way a 6 year old accessed magazines without an adult being involved in some way along the line. I appreciate that prayer and confession have been useful to you, but as you describe the way that this plays out in your head, it strikes me as intrusive thoughts that may be trauma related, and that working with a trauma-informed therapist, especially someone who is certified in EMDR therapy, might give you some relief from these images. Here’s a link to Psychology Today, where you can search via your zip code, and then narrow your search to therapists who are EMDR certified.
Again, thank you so much for the work you are doing, and I hope that this might be helpful to your ongoing healing,
Kay
My husband watches porn and denys that he watches it more than what I know.
I’m becoming a mess. I think of ways to intrude him when I think he’s watching porn, I can’t go out with my son and leave hubby at home because he might watch porn – mentally this is breaking me.
He said, all men do it. He said he doesn’t like his wife, me to initiate sex, which I have done and he has turned me down.
I really don’t know what to do. I’m laying in bed while he’s down stairs purposely staying up just in case he goes bathroom and is a long time. Pretty sad right?
Hi CK,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that this is not your fault. You are strong and beautiful, and only God can change your husband’s heart.
He is wrong when he says “all men do it.” Many men (and women) do watch porn, but certainly not all, and this cannot be his “excuse” for continuing to use pornography. He is caught up in his own passions and desires, and even something like initiating sex isn’t going to change him.
Now – for a word of hope, because there IS hope! If you have talked to him about this (it sounds like you have) and he still refuses to address the issue, I would highly recommend you reach out to a counselor/mentor or church leader (if you attend church). Couples counseling can be a great place to start, but if your husband refuses, I encourage you to attend anyways! A counselor will be able to help you process the betrayal you are feeling, along with suggesting ways to heal.
Does your husband have a close friend or relative who could talk to him? It should definitely be another guy, specifically someone who is not addicted to pornography. Perhaps hearing from another man would help him to see his need to quit.
As you seek to work through the mental trauma of this situation, check out the resources at Bloom for Women. I pray they are a blessing to you. Be strong and courageous! Healing and freedom ARE possible! I am praying for you and your family.
Blessings,
Moriah
This sounds like exactly what I’m going through. My husband initially blamed me for never wanting it (I work 40-60 hours a week, he’s a stay home Dad). I committed to making a change. I bought lingerie. I made it a point to initiate sex at least once a day. He’s still doing it and blaming me. He turns me down about 2/3 of the time I try to be intimate saying he’s not in the mood. He can barely get hard and stay hard when we are making love. He pushes me away if I try to use oral or give him a hand job.
I would love to say stay strong, we can make it through this. But I’m just about done taking the blame (it’s been 15 years off and on). I’m seriously considering separation, or possibly divorce. The only thing preventing me from that final step is our kids. But is it worse for them to live with the stress and tension? I don’t know. All I know is I feel very alone. He’s isolated me from all my friends and family. I have turned back to self-harm (which was an issue when I was a teen). I don’t sleep. I don’t want to eat. I just want to give up.
Oh Mercy.
I am so, so sorry for the pain that you’re going through. It breaks my heart to hear that you’re struggling with self-harm. I think it’s just evidence that you can’t hold this marriage together on your own. Whatever is going on with your husband, he has to do his part. You can’t carry both sides. You can only do your part. He has to do his.
I would really encourage you to find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process through your emotions and support you as you make decisions about your future. Especially with the self harming factor, the loss of appetite, and feeling like giving up, this seems urgent to me.
Whatever your husband chooses, I hope you will choose to find support and help for yourself. You are worth caring for in every way.
Peace to you,
Kay