What do Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni have in common? Both of them are high profile celebrities and have international notoriety for their physical beauty.
Both of them have also been married to alleged porn addicts.
Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This is a cutting question that is difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.
But the stories of these celebrities demonstrate otherwise. Peter Cook, Brinkley’s ex-husband, spent $3000 on his Internet porn addiction. Recently, actor David Duchovny, Leoni’s husband, has checked himself into a rehabilitation clinic for his Internet porn addiction.
Marrying the next top model will not entice a man away from his porn addiction. This is because a fixation on pornography is not merely a fixation on a certain type of physical beauty. To be sure: pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others, to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But pornography addiction is a multi-layered problem:
1. A Fixation on Variety and Novelty
The human brain loves novelty. When we experience a new pleasing image or sensation, our bodies release an extra dose of pleasure-producing chemicals. This is a built-in mechanism that encourages us to experience and explore new things. The other side of the coin is that most stimuli become less attractive to us as they become familiar or predictable. We know this from experience in all areas of life.
Pornography is cleverly packaged and presented sexual novelty—especially Internet pornography. Each new picture or video clip promises a new sensation. Each link presents a virtually endless road marked with thousands of women in thousands of pornographic scenarios. People who have gone down the road of Internet porn and found themselves trapped are not just drawn to the images, but they are also drawn to the variety of images.
Think about it this way: Why don’t most guys just log on, find one image of a woman they find appealing, and be done with it? Why keep searching and searching? Why spend hours online? Because it’s not just about finding something that sexually stimulates: it’s about the search; it’s about the options. They’ve just walked into a virtual brothel where they have their pick of the litter. Those addicted to Internet porn can confess to this: when they log on, they aren’t looking for sexual release right away. They will prolong the searching as long as they can.
2. A Fixation on Fantasy
The human brain is also wired for relationships. When a mother first holds her newborn baby or when lovers first hold hands, the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin are released. These serve as social bonding hormones.
When a man views pornography these same hormones are released (along with a soup of other pleasure chemicals, such as testosterone, dopamine and serotonin). In other words, the brain is tricked into thinking it is having a sexual encounter and doesn’t know the difference. As a result, the man begins to literally “bond” to the pornographic images rather than to another person.
When a man has spent considerable time in the world of Internet pornography, he has essentially trained his body to respond to fantasy images instead of bonding and connecting with real people (such as his wife). It is an easy road to start down. Relationships can be complicated: they involve truly knowing, caring for, and serving another person at the expense of our own desires. Even when a man shares a pleasurable sex-life with his wife, the offer of pornography can still be appealing because it offers a shortcut to sexual release without the hassle of interaction.
Pornography offers a man a world of fantasy rather than interaction, pixels rather than a heart-to-heart connection with another person.
Related: What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You
3. A Fixation on Self
Ultimately, any addiction is a fixation on self—something that drives a person to throw away things and relationships that are otherwise important to him in order to have the desired sensation.
For some men pornography is an endless search for ego-fulfillment. Somewhere in their minds they believe the age-old lie that a man is only worth the beautiful women he can win. The pornographic images provide a canvas for him to paint his personal fantasies: he can picture himself as the one enticing these picture-perfect women. Underneath his porn addiction is a deeper addiction: his perceived need to be validated by these women.
For some men pornography is like a medication they take to cope with unresolved emotional pain: Loneliness, failure and fear; and when a man doesn’t want to face these emotions with raw honesty, he will seek to drown them in other activities or experiences. More than likely, he isn’t even aware of these deep-seeded emotions, but the sexually stimulating rush of watching pornography can provide a powerful escape.
No matter the underlying motive, the draw of pornography is caused by a fixation on self: a perceived need to always “feel good” or comforted, to feel important or attractive, or wanted or rewarded.
All in His Head
If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the real the roots of the problem.
The book Porn and Your Husband issues an important reminder to wives:
During sex, natural opiates are released, along with dopamine, creating a pleasurable experience. However, repeated stimulation, particularly through porn and masturbation, eventually builds up a resistance. It’s like a drug; the more he gets, the more he needs.
In simple terms, you’re “not enough” because his repeated porn use has vastly accelerated his tolerance for these chemical rushes, far beyond the levels of monogamous sex with you. In particular, pornography has trained him to be turned on by variety, which no single woman can provide. It also explains why he may have turned to harder porn or acted out through an affair—he’s looking for the rush that you, through no fault of your own, can never provide.
DOWNLOAD “PORN AND YOUR HUSBAND”In reality, his porn addiction is only a symptom of a much deeper problem. There are no quick fixes. Turning from a long-term addiction will involve (1) realizing and confessing deeper sins, and (2) resolving to root out these issues for the long haul.
Luke, I am so grateful for you and this blog. Your information is so useful and important. You stand tall!
I’ve been married for twenty eight years. He will never stop watching pornography. I’ve even gone as far as being his sexual slave. It makes me sick. Now I can’t even sleep with him. I’m sad and don’t know what to do.
I’m so, so sorry Lisa.
I think you need to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries for yourself. Let me give you three articles on boundaries: here, here, and here. You could also look for a support group in your area, and there’s a wonderful online resource called Bloom that might be helpful as well.
Many, many women in this situation will meet the criteria for PTSD, and most are never treated for that issue. Please get help for yourself. No matter what your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you, Kay
Wonderful article. I hope that this will help many women understand that they aren’t the cause of the problem, and like my pastor once told me, it isn’t a rejection of them. It took me a long time to believe that.
I’m happy to see that there is someone out there encouraging people to break free from this addiction and I love the accountability software you offer. (I’ve not used it, just love the idea of it.) I wish I had known about this site when I was still married. It might have helped me feel less alone in my situation. Thanks for getting the word out there and God bless.
My experience with this issue in my marriage has become numbing and debilitating. I have found myself unable to function normally and just live out my plans when I see that my hubby has been watching porn again.
Feelings of inadequacy have been plaguing me to the point of shopping for lingerie and imagining other women must be involved. Certainly this is commiting adultery in the heart (I know that bible says this somewhere), but I have become so consumed that I started to suspect real life issues.
Well this article has helped me to see that it is possible for him to have a need fulfilled on the computer and not actually need to have a real woman because well real women are complicated. If in fact this is functioning as a short cut around real relationship to intimacy and real affirmation to fantasy–an affair might not do that job at the end of the day when the novelty wears out.
So as sad as I am that my hubby is unaffectionate and not sexually interested, I am also glad to know that the issue is not me. This is pushing my prayer life to new plateaus!!
Ms. K
Well my heart is in my feet! I feel like I wrote this myself. I have been going through this for a while. My husband can only ejaculate to porn. He says he doesn’t watch it but I’m not dumb. The thing is he lies to me and gets upset with me. We are engaged and suppose to marry in a month. I’m not really sure what I’m gonna do!
Hey Crystal, this sounds to me like a problem that needs to be resolved before marriage. I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t just go away on its own. Guys who want to recover have to do that work for themselves. As women, our part is to work on our own emotional processing and good boundaries. You might want a counselor and/or a support group to help you process through that. This is a tough thing to deal with, but healing is possible–even if it’s just YOU that gets healed. No matter what he chooses, you choose to be well! Peace to you, Kay
I find it strange that I get so much attention from complete strangers everyday, but my own husband would rather look at internet porn behind my back.
When I confronted him about it, he got defensive and responded with answers like, “i haven’t been to that site in a while”, or, “I don’t look at what you do”. As if that logic makes it all ok. Although I daresay that if I started downloading images of hot hunk men, he might have something to say about it. Ah the male ego.
This issue is so ironic, because I am so open minded and don’t have issues watching porn. In fact, I enjoy watching porn.(I am very voyeuristic) I worked in the adult industry and know a thing or two about men. In fact joking that I never wanted to be the wife because of all the baggage it came with. I have come to the realization that no matter what I do for him(erotic photos, fantasy nights, (he slept through the last one that I planned), etc, he will never be truly interested in me. I think I was the chase and prize, which is also very primal. Now he needs to hunt for another.
Now the decision is, do I plan on staying in an empty, dishonest relationship, or end it before 20 years pass me by. I am not sure I am at all willing to play second fiddle to fantasy. Especially when he does not acknowledege that he has an issue.
Side note, before we got married, I took him to weekly pre marital counseling. I found porn in all three of his VCR’s and asked if he watched porn, to which he responded “those aren’t mine”. I should have known back then.
I am grateful for finding this article and am thankful that I am not alone.
Miss Kimmi
I believe you hit it right on the head Miss Kimmi. I can go throughtout a whole day with my husband and half of the time was acutally spent on him hawlk eyeing this guy for staring at me too hard, or his comments about how he always see guys staring at me. I ask him why he thinks these guys are staring at me, and he tells me it’s because the exotic look I have about me, the same reason he had to have me.
Ok, now I’m thinking in the back on my head, well you talk all this about how beautiful I am to you, and how you know how much other guys would kill to be with me, but yet you still ( when giving the chance) would look at porn in a flash. I’m 22 and my husband is 26. We have been together for about 5 years and married for almost a year. We even have two beautiful little girls. You know, looking back I never would have thought I would ever be facing this kinda problem especially so early in my marriage. I thought it at least took 10 :) I guess I should have known from the start, things don’t ever change. I hate how things are always so good in the beginning, like how no one else in the world matters but you two. Then a year passes and you feel like that dingy teddy bear back from 3rd grade. When I got pregnant with our first daughter, that’s when things started changing. You know how women say being pregnant was the best time of their life. Not mine, no sir! I actually got to the point to where I really hated being pregnant, I always felt like a cow. I remember always wanting sex, anytime, anywhere it didn’t matter, but he never wanted to. That made me feel worse, like he couldn’t stand the sight of me. He always assured me that was never the case, that he always thought I was gorgeous. It wasn’t until that one night after getting so mad that he didn’t want to get intimate I feel asleep. I woke up around 4 to find an empty bed, confused I walked into the living room only to find my husband on the computer with like 20 different porn pics,videos, whatever up. I was so mad, I felt so betrayed. I always thought why would any man want to watch porn, if their wife or whatever was right in the next room? They always have a different excuse. It has eventually got to the point to where I would go and monitor my husbands activity like he was a child. Come on, I should be doing that to my kids not my husband. He always would tell my that he wouldn’t do it again. Well needless to say I finally had enough, this last time he did it I put my foot down, I now lock my computer, and he has to ask me to put my password in before he can even get on. I know this wont help for long, and this isn’t the kind of person I am, or want to be. I just wonder why if all these other guys see something in me and my husband sees that they do, why can he?
I came across my husbands extensive porn stash on an external hard drive this past friday while he was out of town at a conference. I called him and confronted him in tears and so much pain that I just can’t describe. He confessed that he has viewing porn for the past year and that he has a problem and needed help. The thing is is that we went down this road 3 years ago and we went to couples counseling and things seemed great. Now we are at square one. It has been a rough road this past year for us and I reached out to him so many times and I batteered myself up beacause Im not pretty enough or I’m fat or whatever I could summon up about myself.. Its gotta be me right? Our sex life disintergrated but I always thought he was stressed becuase I lost my job, our dog died and I didn’t get into school. I put myself into such a depression and then I ome to find out that he is coping by watching and downloading porn. I feel such betrayal, hurt, anguish, pain and on and on. Just writing those feelings down has made me cry thAT I can;t see this keyboard. He found this site for me and has begun to look for a counselor. I hope we make it. He has been very forthright and admitted his problem but I have to wonder how long it would have gone on if I hadn’t found out about. I am hopeful and I want to be supportive but my pain is so great.
Please let’s not allow Satan to do this to us. So here we go, hubby falls to the porn, we fall to rejection and so on. we do not fight flesh and blood. THIS IS A BATTLE. Satan is serious about this, are we? This is nothing about beauty, weight, looks at all. This is about demonic doorways that have been opened in their lives. Am I pretty enough? No! No one will ever fill that job. Simply because Satan does not care about how we look, he wants our souls. Now God has told us that we have the power to tread upon serpents. Let’s get to it. Jesus never said it would be easy. Just think about what our fellow saints endured. This is done to distract the church from doing what we’ve have been told to do. Feed God’s sheep, reach the lost. Instead we allow the cares of the world choke the life from us. I say let us stand girls! We are children of a King. Let look to the hills from which comes our help, our help comes from the Lord. Our husbands are just that, our husbands. However God is still God and He is able to keep us. He is able to deliver us. Saul did become Paul, right? Now let us put faith to work and dress daily in the armour of the Lord. I love u and pray for us all.
Wow..You are so right we are in a battle. This is just another one of satan’s tactics used to distract us and divert our attention from where it is needed most. I so needed to here these words. Thank you. I’m not gonna be caught naked I’m putting my armor on and pulling out my sword.
Oh my goodness! This comment was written 6 years ago! But, I can not even BEGIN to tell you how much those words you wrote mean to me right now. Twenty years in, counceling, trying, etc. It has been a horrid marriage, I stayed at first because I did not want Satan to steal my family. But now, I made my husband move out. The pain of yet again being lied to and deceived was too much. Nothing ‘got’ to him. Not his 7 yo daughter having seen this smut and drawing the most horrid pictures imaginable. Not losing his job 18 months ago, with our 8th child just 2 weeks old. We separated for 6 weeks years ago to jump start healing, and yet nothing, but nothing has changed.
These words may be the very words that have caused me to pause in my efforts to seek divorce to give things another try.
Thank you, thank you!
Awwww thank you so much for the encouragement and reminding me that I need to trust and look to Jesus. Hr is the author and finisher of our faith.
So, basically (this scenario happened to me unfortunately), the woman loves you and promises to give more intimacy and share with you her heart and body in physical and emotional pleasure, but continues to do the same routine of distance everyday and telling you to leave her alone so I need to release to get that out of the way and then feel bad because it wasn’t with her means she isn’t the root of the problem and it’s all my fault and I have a deep rooted “sin” for needing some form of release when I couldn’t get it from someone I love? Wow, women are free of blame yet again, hooray! It must be nice to be able to scapegoat problems on men’s needs and wants when women are just as guilty of wanting a muscle bound macho man rather than a portly, hairy “slob” like me. Thank you so much for making me realize that I am always to be at fault.
I’m sorry that happend to you for whatever reason.. we must remember we are in a battle and instead of fighting each other we need to take up our armor and come against the real root of the problem.. The Lord reminded me of this verse; a house divided cannot stand. So lets stop the blame game and be accountable for what we do because in the end thats exactly how it will be..we are the ones who ultimately make the decision to sin or not to sin.
I can see you are bitter. I do not believe a women should deprive her husband of intimacy, and it IS selfish and cruel. But women AND men are are equally accountable for their actions. I believe perhaps you have found a comfort zone in bitterness altogether. Its safe; you’re never disappointed, right? Forgive my bluntness, but instead of making excuses, why not seek the insight of God? When you let HIM drive, and guide you, He’ll lead you to a women who will appreciate you whether you be a “macho” or a “slob”. Don’t get wrapped up in bitterness, it will only destroy you. But embrace the love of God, and He will set you free. Some women are just as bad as men, and vice versa. But I do know, that there are women who don’t deprive their husbands, and are still trampled on with pornography. I think that’s what this topic is mainly about, and I think you are projecting things sideways from some horrible experiences. We all are flawed, but you and I are not incapable of casting our hurts and pains before God, because He cares so much for us. God bless you, I will say a special prayer for you tonight.
That is correct. You are responsible for your own actions. Poor, poor you.
You need to get some help and stop posting on this site. You have no idea the pain that women go through over this. I loved having sex with my husband before he made me feel inadequate with porn. Isn’t there a men’s blog that you could post on? You are not helping anyone. You sound like you hate women. If you are so unhappy then why don’t you just leave and stop hurting her?
I think PackOfLlamas just doesn’t like women with assburgers. He/she raises a good point as well. Women are just as harsh as men when it comes to “needs and wants.” And Jen, just because he/she doesn’t agree with the article means he/she needs help. That is ignorant and a classic example of what he/she is referring to when women scapegoat. Shame on you.
Claire Trevor said it best in “How to murder your wife” with Jack Lemmon. “You need to keep men under your thumb. You’ll have arguments, a small affair here and there, but at least in the end, you get something out of it!” Stay single, PackOfLlamas. Be “asexual.” Women will never accept that men have fantasy and it is their fantasy and no one can take it from them. We are to accept theirs, but they do not have to accept ours. Where is the equality of it all? When did laundry become love? When did cleaning the kitchen and raising the kids become an excuse to loot the wallet or be a b*&#$ 24/7? There is nothing to be gained with that absurd mentality.
Yikes – this blog is supposed to be about women trying to figure out what’s so wrong with them to cause their husbands to retreat to porn… the men responding here clearly don’t understand how painful it is for a wife to find that her husband would rather secretly turn on with porn than be with his wife. I’ve lived this nightmare for over 15 years – at first saying nothing to the things I was finding hidden in his desk, on his computer – I didn’t know what to do, so I kept silent and let the pain poison me. I’m all done now – this is the third time in six years I’ve actually confronted him about this – and the last time. He has downloaded the Covenant Eyes program, I am getting accountability reports, and he is speaking weekly to an accountability partner independently. This is his last chance. We’ve spent 33 years building an amazing life together – we’re best friends – but this, if it continues now, will end our marriage. It’s like living with a “girlfriend” (or in his case, a boyfriend) in the bedroom closet. WE have major multiple issues to overcome. He claims that he loves me, but, like most wifes I expect, I really need some kind of proof now. I cannot find any way to accept those words on faith alone anymore. This pain is deep and dibilitating – and dealing with this is a one minute at a time thing. I’m too old for this – and yet, God apparently believes that I can do this – yeah, with HIS help only.
I’m so thankful for this Covenant Eyes program – it has to work, it’s our last chance.
@Linda – Thanks for sharing your testimony here. Unfortunately a lot of guys don’t understand how much this issue is hurtful to women. One of our authors, Mark Gaither, wrote a great article about why women rightly see porn use as a serious matter. It’s called “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?” I’m glad to hear how much Covenant Eyes is helping to build trust again. Remember, the software is only as good as the person who is holding your husband accountable. I pray your husband’s accountability partner can really help him get to the bottom of his secrecy and addiction. Feel free to direct them to this blog for more resources. I recommend they look at / listen to:
1. “Four Tips on Developing an Accountability Relationship”
2. “Fighting Internet Porn Temptations”
3. And if they have time . . . “Soul Talk: Taking Accountability to the Next Level“
You’re right, Linda. We men don’t understand the pain it causes you. And you know what? Most of us don’t really want to. It’s easier to ignore the results of our actions than to say, “I really hurt you. I was wrong.” It terrifies us to think that it might hurt you. It terrifies us to think that our actions might scare you off. It terrifies us to think that we might fail you. The proof is in our secrecy. We don’t want you to know. Most of us hate it about ourselves; if we could hide it from our selves so that even we didn’t know about it, we would.
I’m 24 years old, a (clean for one month) porn addict since I was 13. I’ve never liked porn. I’ve always hated it. At first it was a curiosity thing. Then it became a “now that I’ve looked at this, nobody will ever love me anyway” thing. Shame of my past, fear of my future, discontent of my present- all of these are horribly debilitating for a man. We hide from the reality of pain just like Adam and Eve hid from God in Eden.
Throughout the last decade, I’ve had months of victory, and months of wretched failure. And I’ve learned that the most powerful weapon that I can hold as I fight this battle is the simple knowledge that I am responsible for my actions. I don’t want to be responsible. We men often shirk the blame–“it wasn’t my fault”; “you’re not enough for me”; “men have needs”; “you just don’t understand what it’s like to be a guy.” But in reality, I need to know that nobody else is ever to blame for my actions.
So yes, your husband is most certainly responsible for his actions. Also true, the very point of this blog–you are not responsible for his actions. But may I gently remind you of the other side of the coin? Your husband is not responsible for your actions. You are. So please, do not let porn end your marriage. That is your call, not his. Is it sin? Yes. Is it serious? Definitely. Is it painful? No doubt. But you cannot call your husband responsible for your action of divorce. It just doesn’t work. He is responsible for porn. But if you decide to divorce him because of his porn, then you are responsible for that action. He is not.
Perhaps if I clarify this issue with four examples. I wrote, above, four lies which men use to justify their porn addictions. May I gently revise them to be spoken from your own perspective? — “It wasn’t my fault [that I hated/gave up on/stopped praying for/divorced my husband]”; “You’re not [romantic/sensitive] enough [to understand how this bothers me]”; “[women] have needs [and if you don’t cut it, I’m out of here]”; “you just don’t understand what it’s like to be a [girl].” See how parallel the lines are drawn: Do you need to go elsewhere to find what you husband doesn’t offer you? This pendulum swings both ways, and it’s just as difficult for a woman to accept that she is responsible for herself as it is for a man to accept that he is responsible for himself.
So congratulations that your husband is making an active progress toward remission! That is exciting! May he continue to live worthy of your respect. May you continue to root him on when he succeeds and give him the courage to repent and rise again toward strength when he falls. Be encouraged that the battle is much bigger than just what your husband has to overcome by himself. Inspire him to fight. Let him know that you’re ecstatic when he fights victoriously, not just that you’re disappointed whenever he’s less than heroic. I’m rooting for you both.
I feel the same way. I’m dying inside. This is also his last chance. No room for relapse. And I am scared to death. I can’t take any more pain and stress. It’s been almost 6 months and it still feels fresh. I know I have PTSD. Did he ever quit? Is there truly a way for him to stop? Will he ever know the damage it’s done? Is there a way for me to heal? Is there hope for long term? Did he ever tell you WHY? Was the root cause identified?Did you leave?
Kim, I hope you’re getting help, just for you, during this tough time. Find a therapist who can help you process the trauma. Find a group. Access the online resources at Bloom for Women. No matter what he chooses, YES, there is hope for you! YES, there is healing! Your health and healing are NOT dependent upon him. You are a whole person, worthy of healing, no matter what he chooses. Peace to you, Kay
Linda proves once again why you should stay single forever, PackOfLlamas. Even if you aren’t a porn addict and you happen to have pictures of anything that constitutes pornography women will go through your personal property without asking you therefore feeling that’s a justification of trust issues with you while they have the right to go behind your back. And Linda, whether you agree or not, there are two types of guys that look at porn. Those who do it out of routine (who are the real addicts) and those who do it because they are not (or will never if you’re not adventurous enough) getting something or even enough from you.. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that PackOfLlamas is the latter. It’s a good thing that Linda’s response was mature, unlike the hot headed illogical Jen.
@Anonymous – You are right when you say that women have just as much to examine in their hearts as men do, in terms of their needs and wants in marriage. The fact is neither a man nor a woman gets a free pass to sin against against their spouse just because the spouse has sinned against them. And when I say “sin,” I’m not just talking about the obvious stuff: sneaking around, deception, looking at porn, cutting off intimacy . . . Husbands and wives also sin against each other when they refuse to delve more deeply into their own hearts to ask themselves what they have contributed to their marital messes.
Pornography places huge walls between husbands and wives. Linda, it is good to hear how your husband is doing the work to regain your trust. Thank you for letting him do that, and thank you for recognizing that it is both of you that must work at intimacy. I am so sorry to hear about how his actions have hurt you.
PackOfLlamas, it is sad when we hear of men who feel cut off sexually from their wives because of bitterness and unforgiveness. A number of men have commented about this on our blog, men who want to move away from lust and fantasy but are thrust into temptation because they feel unable to pursue intimacy at home. You and your wife might benefit from these articles from PureIntimacy: “Coping with Sexual Anorexia,” and “The Importance of Counseling.”
Nah, anon helped me out more than any paid program or quack bull&*^% could ever provide. I’ve been single just about a year now and sticking to asexuality. I’m free and I am never ever going back to women ever again. Great to look at, but trouble regardless. Thanks for the help, anon, wherever you are!!!
Thanks for the blog it was very eye opening. My husband is an avid porn watcher on the web. I was feeling like I was the problem, that there was something wrong with me. I love him with all of my heart, I just wish he could see that a marriage needs the intimacy between husband and wife, not man and machine.
I read this, I know the message it is sending. But I can’t help my heart from being broken. I’ve been lied to, deceived by the person whom I am supposed to be able to trust above anybody else under God. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to trust anymore.
@Leese – Thank you for your comment. It’s true: no amount of words can really heal a broken heart. Knowing what to do about the situation can be a very dificult thing. I highly recommend you find others you can talk to, face-to-face, to work through your questions and frustrations. Reading an article is one thing, getting advice from a book is okay, but in the end, these sorts of situations need personal attention from wise and gracious people. If you aren’t involved in a good church with wise and godly leaders, this may be the best next step for you.
Wishing you God’s rich blessings of wisdom and comfort right now.
Luke
Well, I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault considering he will not even have sex with me but can watch porn. We have not even been married for a year…Once I was 2 months pregnant, he stopped wanting to have sex and we only have about 3 times since. I can’t take it anymore.
OK this site is funny. honestly listen to yourselves you blame porn for the problems in your marriages. i watch porn my wife watches porn we don’t care, our sex life is awesome we have sex three to four times a week at least. most of the time multiple times per day. and we have been married for five years together for six. we draw inspiration from porn when my wife met me i had 80 gigs of porn we sat around and watched my favorites and commented on what we saw. what we liked and what we didn’t like positions we had tried and positions we would like to try. sex is awesome and variety is awesome. if you keep it spicy and embrace his desires he will feel more comfortable and desire you more. be his fantasy my wife is mine. she’s hot hotter than any porn actress i have ever seen she is real not pixels but she is like some thing right off any porn site. she keeps me interested with the variety of her fantasies and asks me to participate in hers and ask her to fulfill mine and that is the secret i think to having a strong sex life. variety and sexual openness is the key porn is a side note or a symptom of boredom. if he doesn’t know what to expect he is never bored if it is different he will be satisfied. the concept of taking a grown man and chastising his sexual interest and monitoring and locking up computers like you do for children is only going to make him hide more from you and desire a fantasy porn relationship more.
@Voice of Reason – Thanks for your thought. Of course there are many couples who draw inspiration from pornography for their marital intimacy. That is not the dispute here. The problem is in doing such men are actually lusting after the women in pornography and many wives are, justifiably, uncomfortable with and offended by that.
Dumb man + dumb woman = this problem.
@Antz – Please explain.
Im going through.the same thing im 22 years old and my husband is 25 i try to please hem in every way and he keeps watching porn in his cellphone this is the forth time Sean January im just so tire of this :( …i love God and i just want to do the right thing for my family bt i dont know how to deal with it…he is emberes of talking to the pastor.
sara – I am so sorry to hear about your situation. A man like him needs to come clean to someone he trusts who is also willing to challenge him to live a better life. If he wants any teaching on finding a good accountability partner, we have a lot of good resources here he can read. I also recommend you read some of our material for wives. We have an e-book you can download called, Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. I hope you find some good information in it.
I was completely blindsided a month ago. My husband of 23 years lost his job because of viewing porn at work. He was in a high level position. It was his second offense. He had been given three days off work w/out pay 2 years ago because of it. He lied to me then and said he had some vacation days he needed to take. He’s been a Christian since he was 22. He’s now 43. He was first introduced to porn as a 9 year old by a neighbor boy. We met in high school. I trusted him so implicitly. I would have defended him to my dying breath. I never in my worst dreams imagined he’d been doing this all our married life- and before. We married in college. While I was at work or class he was renting videos. He stopped for awhile after our children were born. (We have five) But he always went back, then repented, begged God to help him, thought he had it conquered, etc.. He absolutely hated this sin and himself for doing it. But he never told me because of how much he knew it would hurt me and for fear that I would leave him. So it remained hidden and he remained unaccountable to anyone. When he came home from work that day and told me, to say I was devastated is an understatement. I thought I could never trust him again and went through the same feelings most women do. (what’s wrong with ME? Am I that unattractive? Why am I not enough? How can he say he loves me? How could he lie to me? How can I measure up to those images, etc.). He got on his knees and begged me to forgive him and not leave him. Before he came home he had called our pastor and asked to see him that day. He told the pastor everything, they prayed and talked about what to do. Our pastor is now his accountability partner and is counseling him. I wanted to run away, but my five precious childre kept me from doing something stupid. They don’t deserve to be devastated by this. They are ages 14, 12, 7, 5 and 3. They need a stable home and a Mom and Dad. So, I called my pastors wife. We talked and prayed and she counseled me. I know now that this problem (sin) has nothing to do with me. Satan had a stronghold in his life-and it started way before I was even in the picture.. My husband had to be broken and humbly repent. He says that God has broken and humbled him right down to the dust. He takes complete responsibility for his actions in this. I have seen an amazing change in him in the last month. Time in the Word and prayer first thing every day, attending church every time the doors open, wanting to be completely open about everything w/me. I knew he had a pride issue and this is also what kept him from admitting the sin and asking for help. He thought he could do it on his own. We are and will be dealing with fallout for awhile. He’s currently interviewing for jobs and we’ll probably be uprooted from a home we love and family to move out of state where a job is. I still have doubts in my heart whether I can trust him. I believe he wants to be free of this and believe God can do this in him. But I get concerned about him letting his guard down as time goes on. Our pastor couldn’t meet with him this past week and i’m afraid of this happening too often because of how busy he is. I know my husband must have the accountability. Also he’s going out of town for an interview tomorrow. His problems before were viewing junk in hotel rooms when he traveled. Part of me worries about this. I can’t be with him every moment. He’s lied to me so much-how do I trust him enough to not worry when he’s away? Will I always struggle with these doubts?
I have found that God had given me so much grace through this. To see my husband as He does. A sinner who needs grace. (just like me) Ten or fifteen years ago I probably could not have handled it. And of course I do struggle. If he were to go back into it I don’t know that I could continue. But I have found that God is sufficient to see me through step by step.
BTW, intimacy between us was never the issue either. Except perhaps for brief times when I was nursing babies, ill, exhausted. We always have had a very active/interesting sex life. None of us can look like those images-at least not forever. Maybe I once did, but he still did the porn. He has always called me beautiful and i’ve always been called attractive by other men. I only say that because I see other young ladies on here doubting themselves because their husband seems to prefer the images to them. My pastor’s wife told me I cannot take this personally or compare myself to those images. At first I thought What?!? How do I not take it personally? But I now see it as his sin issue and not a condemnation of me.
Hi KelliJo. Thanks for sharing your story with us. This last month must have been very difficult for you.
I believe the hardest step for many women is the trust factor. You might really enjoy the video series we just posted on our blog (Watch Part 1, Part2, Part 3, and Part 4).
I was with my husband for 21 years.When we first got together i was almost 16. He had playboy magizines in the corner of his room. I should have walked away then. But i continued in the relationship. It was years of betrayel. He cheated on me with several women. I just kept on taking him back until this time i realized i could not handle him hurting me anymore. I just recently found out after 21 years that he had an addiction to porn and the addiction with porn has turned into sex with different women. I went to my pastor for help. He was the one who made me realize that he was an addict. I could not believe i did not see it. I guess i did because i asked him if he had a problem with women. His answer was always no. But i would always catch him looking at other womens body and the porn and him sleeping around. It all led up to he had a problem. I was blind for so many years. I guess i did not want to except it. I always blamed myself because he would blame me. I never felt good enough and honestly i thought something was wrong with me and that no other man will ever be happy with me sexually. I have lived this life for 21 years, i dont know if i will ever be able to trust another man. Or will ever heal from this myself. All i can do is seek out help from my pastor and put god first in my life and let him help me get through this. I really loved this man and i have 2 kids with him. A son that is 18 and i have also caught him on porn. So now im facing it with him. I dont want him to have the same problem but i feel im too late, i feel it has already became a part of his life as well. If i had it to do all over again, I would have never stuck around and wasted my life on a man who did not love me enough to seek out help. Knowing how bad he was hurting me everytime. This is too all the women that have been through the same thing. We never deserved it. It was never our fault. We could not change them even though we tried. I am truly sorry that you all had to live the same life i did.
Hi Tammy. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s deplorable actions for the last 21 years. He’s hurt you more times than you can count.
I hope this post demonstrates why the problem cannot be with you. It is entirely his sin to own. Nothing you have done or haven’t done, nothing you are or are not, is the cause of his sin. Let him answer to God for his sins alone.
As for helping your son, I strongly encourage you to talk with him. If he is a Christian, I encourage you to pass this free e-book along to him for him to read. It is called Your Brain on Porn. I hope it encourages him to seek help.
Thank you Luke, I did download the book for my son and i also read it for myself. God is giving me strength each day. I never even knew who i was because i got with my husband at such a young age and for 21 years, i lived a life of miserary. I never had any peace of mind. It was one sin after the other. Lies and dishonesty. It all destroyed me. I became addicted to pain killers. To cover up the pain that i was feeling. God has recently delivered me from them and showed me i no longer need them. God is making constant changes in my life so i can begin to find the real me that was hidden for so many years. I want to thank you for all the ebooks i have down loaded. They have helped me so much. I am so thankful that i found your web site.
Thanks, Tammy. I hope you continue to be encouraged here. God bless.
I am 27. We were married young…I always had suspicions..but I ignored them. I became so angry & bitter, there were times I would lose it over the smallest things. I wasn’t sure if there was another woman or what the problem was. I worked & put him through college..I’d decided to let him work & put me through then I was going to leave him. He came clean in 2011. Sought help. Installed covenant eyes, blah blah blah. My prob always was you had the “option” on your phone whether or not to use covenant eyes or just sneak on safari, then delete again. He was “clean” for 2 whole yrs. We got pregnant. When our child was 2mo old, prob started again. On his phone like I feared. During this time, I have become an extremely sexual person. I never wanted me to be a problem. It got to the point where we were doing it once a month…maybe… I was the one that started seeking “self-pleasing” ways & got very close w/ a man. I never was unfaithful or crossed any lines but flirtation. No phone sex or photos…although it was getting difficult. I cried out to God to help me stop. I wanted my husband. Not this other man. We took a trip just us….never even had “relations” the other guy txt me asking if I was having fun. My heart sunk. I promised myself to cut all communication w/ him. Tried even harder with my husband. He wanted to talk one afternoon. He said he wanted me to trust him. He wanted us to have a good marriage. I told him I wanted him. I told him I was tired of rejection. I told him my relationship w/ our male friend had gotten out of hand. I asked if he was into porn again. He denied it.
You see, he’d become so disconnected, not just sexually–but he would rush through dinner & get up leaving me w/ our baby to watch sports. He never wanted any interaction w/ our son. My baby’s face would fall every time my husband walked out of a room w/o acknowledging him. He was lost in selfishness. Most nights I put our baby to bed & went to sleep him still up on his phone.
I learned a way to see deleted history in an iPhone. My husband came to me & said he had learned how to go around covenant eyes & wanted me to put a restriction code on his phone he wouldn’t know. I asked why he needed that if he hadn’t been looking at porn. ((I knew he had been. Women know in their guts)) he again denied it. When he handed me his phone to set the code, I pulled up all his deleted porn sites. He told me they were from 2yrs ago. The problem was, however, he’d only had that phone for a yr. when I pointed this out, he broke down. He said he hadn’t looked at it in a month (which I too had felt something change in our marriage–for one, we’d made love twice already & it was like, the 10th) he said that’s why he wanted me to shut down his path to safari. I did as he asked. We’re starting a 6wk program w/ our pastor. We’re going to start seeing a professional counselor. I have hope. It’s my only option. Hope. My son will be 1yr next month. My family has a long line of divorces….I never wanted him to suffer that. I wanted him to have loving parents & a security they wouldn’t leave each other or neglect him. I am only staying w/ my husband for his sake. God is helping me forgive. What’s amazing is my body hasn’t shut down sexually…quite the contrary. It’s been daily–but I think I’m trying to fast forward to normalcy. I want to be wanted by him so badly. Like the other girls…I get plenty of male attention. I know the feeling of “I’m just a trophy” you don’t really want me, but you like showing me off. I’ve felt that. I’ve read Pornography has the same affect on the brain as cocaine. I understand it takes work to quit. Once you’ve stopped for two yrs, starting up is unacceptable. Ignoring your child is unacceptable. I am in it for the long haul….but I’m afraid I can’t take all this again. Who knows. The Bible says God will never put too much on us that we cannot bear. I’m leaning & trusting on that. No, in ways I wasn’t w/o blame either…reaching out for male validation other than my husband. I’ve come clean. Read txt, so on. He has full disclosure of all my social media accounts. We are none of us w/o blame. I want a happy whole marriage, if for no one else, for my baby boy.
God bless you all. Everyday is a decision & often a struggle. I pray strength & peace for all who pass through here seeking answers & help.
I am 35 , my husband is 54 . We have been together for 5 years and married for a little over a year . We both go to church and are saved by Gods grace. So, that makes it harder for me to understand how he can still have this porn addiction I try so hard to just have faith , I find my self getting so angry when I think about the morning I caught him. Then I bring it up to him . Even though he has been trying to be faithful and loving to me. I feel so bad when I do this and I know it’s wrong but the thoughts just want stop coming in my mind. I need help or I feel I’m going to push him further away. I told him I was sorry for bringing it up but I’m deeply hurt . I’m in constant fear always watching his every move can’t sleep at night because I fear it will happen again . What do I do ? I really want to trust him but I’m scared if I let go it will happen again.
First, go read Porn and Your Husband. It will help you understand what’s going on in his brain and give you some next steps for healing your marriage.
Second, he’s most likely been dealing with this temptation for a long time, possibly since childhood. It’s possible for God to heal someone of a temptation instantly, but for some reason He usually doesn’t work that way. Remember, God refused even Paul’s prayer to remove his “thorn in the flesh.” So while you should absolutely insist that he stop using porn, please temper it with compassion and remember that it will be a long and slow (but also worthwhile) process.
Third, make sure you both get support. Maybe find another couple in your church who can help you both out. He should have another man give him tough love (you’d react out of personal pain), and you need another woman who can empathize with you as you work on healing and reconciliation, but also not just “take your side” and feed your own pain and bitterness.
Thanks Lisa , I will read the book. I have done a lot of praying about this issue this morning . I pray that if my husband is lost that he will get saved . He says he is but I don’t see any fruit in his life. I know I still fall short we all do . But a truly saved person will be convicted by the Holy Spirit . And will let you know when you are doing wrong . This is the first time I caught him since we have been married and saved but he admitted it has been going on through out the marriage . Always was a problem when we were lost and just living together. I wasn’t faithful to him either during that time. Now I truly love him and I don’t want any other man . I guess some people grow faster in Lord . I would never leave him over this issue I want him to Christ in me and I want to have compassion for him. It’s like satan wants to pull me down and depress me and keep putting the thoughts in my head then I just explode . I’m just going to keep praying put on the full armor of God. Please keep us in your prayers God bless you
If you’re both relatively new believers, God could also have been working out something else in his life. So, yes, keep extending him grace even as you gently encourage him to turn away from porn and toward Christ, and keep turning to God for your joy and satisfaction.
Do you do joint Bible studies? Even just reading one psalm out loud together and praying for five minutes each day might help facilitate spiritual growth in his (and your) life.
I’ll pray for you!
Yes we were reading the bible together and listening to CDs from sermons at our church . But that stopped several months ago. Since all this came out he has been reading again but not with me
Glad to hear he’s back in Scripture! Reading together again may be the best first step you can take.
Yes , I pray that he stays in Gods word it sure makes a difference and makes one stronger to stand against temptation .
I found out that my husband was watching porn a lot and I had even asked him about it before and he said he wasn’t and that why would he do it I was enough. That he didn’t need it He has me., well that was all a lie. He lied to me about watching it hundreds of times even after I saw it with him and so he likes it better than me because they’re prettier and so I made a horrible decision and found out that there’s one girl in particular that he really likes Mrs. she’s amazing he said but he loves me of course it was that’s what he said. Now he’s saying he doesn’t want to do it anymore he wants to have normal sex with me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that without knowing or thinking about how much she likes her what how easy it was for him to get off when he was pretending to have sex with her while using me . Heartbroken
Hi Ashlee,
I’m so so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. I encourage you to find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries for yourself in this situation. You might also appreciate the online resource, Bloom, which has forums, classes, and multiple resources for women in recovery from marriage betrayal. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to take care of yourself and be healthy, and I hope you will.
Peace to you, Kay
My husband finds every excuse to not be intimate with me…. Its been so long since he has even touched between my legs or breast….. Our marriage is nothing more than room mates. How do I end this marriage and tell him why? I want intimacy but he would rather be intimate with porn. I have zero trust in him…
You are justified in feeling that way. You need to decide what’s right for you going forward.
Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries that might be helpful as you think things through. I’d encourage you to find support through a counselor for yourself, a group just for you, maybe an online resource like Bloom. You’ve got hard things to face, so find some companionship on that road.
Peace, Chris
I’ve been married to my husband just a little over 2 years. Touching is a absolutely not on his part-now I can rub and touch him all I want but that gets old of being ignored. He watches porn the ones with skinny girls not my size I’m not fat but not skinny. He let me know that those size girls did nothing for him. So what I wanted to say and should of said was I guess neither do I.
I hope you know that your husband’s choices are about him, and not you.
In the same way, your choices are your own as well. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might be helpful as you think about taking responsibility just for you. You can’t make him change, but you can choose a healthy life for yourself, no matter what he chooses.
There are wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women that you might like to check into as well.
Peace,
Kay