Whether your daughter is seven years old or seventeen, our culture is grooming her for an appetite for pornography. If you have a daughter or know someone who does, listen up.
Millions of well meaning parents have a sincere desire to protect their daughters from pornography. They monitor their daughters’ internet usage, and even install protective filters, thinking they’re in the clear.
However, if you’ve believed the lie that pornography is something hidden in the deepest corners of the Internet, you’ve been duped.
Long before your daughter is ever exposed to a pornographic site, she has already gone through years of soft porn grooming. As a woman not too far past my teen years, I know this first hand.
We often think of porn as being some form of intense adult content only targeted at men…but it’s not.
With your daughter in mind, listen to how the dictionary describes porn:
“Sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, produced to elicit sexual arousal.”
Did you catch that last part? “Produced to elicit sexual arousal.” How many mainstream movies, songs, books, TV shows, and magazines are created to elicit sexual arousal? Try…a large majority of them.
If your daughter is the the habit of watching mainstream TV shows, secular music videos, reading magazines like Glamour or Cosmo, and shopping at the mall regularly, she is being groomed for an appetite for porn. Welcome to the 21st century.
Your daughter’s innocent mind is being slowly desensitized one day at a time. If you want to spare your daughter from a future porn addiction, you have to do way more than guard her from the “biggies.” It’s the little things that will get her today.
Here are five subtle areas our culture is grooming your daughter for porn:
1. Mainstream Movies
When your daughter is little, Hollywood tells her that true love is nothing more than butterflies and happily ever afters. But, when she hits her teen years, true love is portrayed as steamy sex scenes and one night stands.
Chick flicks are a huge culprit and they’re targeted at your daughter. Many of these movies are filled with glorified premarital sex scenes, steamy adultery, sexual innuendos, and nudity. “Eliciting sexual arousal” is an obvious goal.
Every time your daughter watches these so-called “innocent” movies, her conscience and sensitivity to purity and morality is weakened. Her view of sex is watered down. She is one step closer to viewing porn as a harmless pleasure.
2. Secular Magazines
I was chatting with a young mom once who shared with me how destructive Cosmo magazine had been on her as a teen. She said, “I read that garbage and soaked up their worldview about love, sex, and happiness. As a result, I moved into my adult years with an extremely distorted worldview about sex.”
Magazines like Cosmo, Marie Claire, Glamour, and others are targeted at young single women. These magazines are filled with raunchy (premarital) sex advice, scandalous images, and dirty secrets. Nothing will groom your daughter’s appetite for porn quicker than reading this trashy material. “Eliciting sexual arousal” is an obvious goal.
The more she reads, the more her sexual compass is weakened. She is one step closer to viewing porn as a “harmless pleasure.”
3. Music Videos
Music used to be an experience for the ears. Not anymore. Music videos are now an extremely popular form of entertainment for young people. If you think your daughter is watching harmless videos on MTV or YouTube, think again.
Music videos aren’t about the music anymore…they’re about the sexualized dance moves and seductive clothing. If your daughter is a fan of singers like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Beyonce, and Rihanna, she is undoubtedly watching their music videos. And these videos are bad news. From total nudity to illicit sex moves, your daughter is being exposed to soft porn.
Every time she fills her mind with these raunchy and illicit videos, she is unknowingly building a craving for more. Diving headfirst into heavy pornography would not feel that extreme to her anymore.
4. Romance Novels
Girls are dreamers. We love imagination. We flock to “love stories.” Romance novels are written with the female gender in mind. They’re written in a way that draws the reader in and provokes her to vicariously experience what’s happening.
Secular romance novels (and some Christian) are written with the purposeful intent to “elicit sexual arousal.” I’ve heard it said many times that romance novels are porn for females. The recent mainstream acceptance of erotic books like Fifty Shades of Grey is as close as it gets to reading porn. If your daughter enjoys reading, there’s a good chance some of her friends have passed a copy of this terrible book her way.
Reading this explicit material will pollute her mind and leave your daughter with a strong desire for darker and heavier content. Romance novels and erotica push your daughter one step closer to falling into a porn addiction.
5. Social Media
If you have a daughter over 12 years old, chances are she’s on social media.
Social media (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.) have a good side and a dark side. Unfortunately, there’s not a large chasm separating the two.
I have personally, and unintentionally, stumbled across nude and highly provocative images on several of these platforms. I was innocently going about my normal business, clicked on an innocent hashtag, and wham. I was shocked.
If you think all social media sites are safe, think again. It’s extremely easy to stumble across sensual, sexualized and even nude images. All it takes for your daughter is a little exposure to create an instant curiosity and appetite for more.
By seeing these unhealthy images on a regular basis, your daughter is unknowingly taught that it’s normal to see naked/half-naked people. And if she’s “accidentally” exposed to heavy porn one day, she will have been well groomed to receive it.
Living in a raunchy, sensual, and over sexualized culture isn’t easy. Especially for those who are trying to raise children.
I hope you can see that it’s not just the “biggies” that you need to be concerned about for your daughter, but all of the many little things that groom her appetite every day. If your daughter has a personal cell phone with Internet access, that’s most likely where most of her unhealthy sexual exposure will come from. And before you write off you daughter as being “smarter than that” or “wise enough to make good choices,” check these out:
- “In a 2010 national survey, over a quarter of 16 to 17 year olds said they were exposed to nudity online when they did not want to see it. In addition 20% of 16-year-olds and 30% of 17-year-olds have received a ‘sext’ (a sexually explicit text message).”*
- “After an analysis of more than one million hits to Google’s mobile search sites, more than 1 in 5 searches are for pornography on mobile devices.”*
- “More than 7 out of 10 teens hide their online behavior from their parents in some way.”*
So with all of this information in mind, what’s the solution? Hide your daughter in a box? Keep her away from all technology. Make her wear a blindfold? Probably not. The solution starts with your relationship with your daughter.
She needs you to guide her and protect her as you see appropriate for her age and season of life. She needs you to proactively set boundaries for her and lovingly hold her accountable. She needs you educate her on the dangers of porn and help her build a worldview that’s in alignment with God’s plan for sex. She needs your tough love to put your foot down and say, “no, you can’t watch that movie and here’s why.” These are some of the best ways you can help your daughter avoid getting groomed for porn.
I would love to hear from you now. Do you have a daughter or know someone who does? In what ways do you see the culture grooming her for porn? What solutions have you come up with to protect her from this sexual onslaught?
* Source: “Get the Latest Pornography Statistics”
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When I served with Jr High age kids at church, I noticed that many of the girls used “sexy” to mean “cute” or “pretty.” And in our culture and media, beautiful and sexy are considered synonymous. However, I remember my mom telling me (and I was skeptical at the time, as a teen) that if a man said he thought I looked sexy, what he is saying is that he wants to have sex with me, or that he is aroused to be thinking about sex. Now there are times when even a modestly dressed woman could be said to be sexy, and a man can certainly think lustful thoughts no matter what a woman is wearing. The point is not attire so much as the idea that sexy = attractive = pretty. Pretty much every girl wants to be pretty, and if she is exposed to modern fashion at all, she will pick up on this idea. I was recently getting ideas on dresses for a formal event my husband and I were to attend. I couldn’t do a Google search for formal dresses without turning up search results that were pornographic in nature. If I search for “pretty formal dress” and get scantily clad, sexually provocative images, what message does that send? For this reason, we are very very careful about exposure, even subtle messages. And I was very pleased recently when my daughter was bothered by a mannequin in the lingerie department that was wearing a thong. “What is the point of that?” She wanted to know. And yet, she understood that some of the lacy robes and things were for mommy to dress up for daddy. It’s a hard balance to strike. There’s no body shaming or presenting sex as shameful, but teaching modesty and true beauty (Which feminism has ironically destroyed by endorsing women’s sexuality to the point of whittling down a woman’s beauty and value to nothing more than her level of sexual attractiveness.)
I agree. The other thing that makes me cringe is the costumes and attitudes encouraged in little girls in “innocent” dance classes or cheering or even in baton or any number of competition things.
My thoughts exactly, Cathy!
I have always been hammered with what I am not supposed to do, so much so that I ended up hating my body and suffering on the opposite end of the spectrum. You cannot address sexual sin without dealing with the view of women’s bodies. Parents must learn that they cannot lay down a law they are not willing to abide by themselves – and it starts with respecting your own body. Humans are sexual beings. Until we have a healthy view of how our bodies were made and stop overselling the negative attention of sex (disproportionately addressing sexual sin over other sin because it is all the same – sin), we will continue to see children (18 & under) showing a greater interest in it. Moms and dads need to stop reading, watching or listening to the things they forbid their children to do. Kids need to see their parents tending their marriage and respecting one another. If parents don’t walk it out, kids will see the hypocrisy and laugh. And they do see it. You are not hiding it. If they cannot do it, neither should you. And to address a previous comment that women are not being held accountable – that is sheer garbage. Women, myself included, have been routinely told that it is women’s job to keep men from sexual sin. That is a lie. It is my job to choose purity and be considerate/aware, but I cannot choose to sin or not sin for another person. While men may be be the greater audience addressed in areas of porn, women are shamed and burdened at greater levels than men when it comes to daily behavior. Let’s stop blaming other people for our choices and be the change we want to see.
Such wise words, Andrea. Thank you.
God tells us in the Bible that sexual sin is different. God says it is the only sin that harms your soul. So when a person is engaging in porn and other sexually focused living it tears down your soul and your spirit. Don’t tell me you can’t see it in their eyes. It’s there. Some part of us gets stolen. Ever met a prostitute? It’s all right there in their eyes. Look
Well said!
Great article. I don’t have girls. I do think that moms should check their social media as well. How many have sexy or sensual pictures of themselves? How do they dress? Our kids watch us. I see so many girls that at young ages are dressing in my opinion inappropriately.
This is so true! Hope people heed the warning signs. I am 72 and have always loved Romance novels!!!! Just recently I found out about free books on the internet! Great for me cause of my limited income But as I looked at these books one thing I began to realize is there is a lot of PORN being presented as “Romance” out there!!!! Sick stuff! This is NOT romance!!!! And it is being pushed for FREE!!!!!!! Wish there was a way to put more stringent labels on books even a rating system like for movies. Oh and at first they would tell you if a book was LGBT now they don’t even bother to do this!!!!
Parents need to pay close sttention to what their teens are doing. When my 17 year old daughter used her phone in inappropriate ways we took the phone away for several weeks. We discussed the inappropriate content on her phone and confronted the issues. I think she was relieved to not have the phone. When she slowly regained phone privileges Snapchat was off limits. Snapchat allows both sexting and posting of pictures without any enforcible rules. We had several talks about safe online behavior and addressed related issues. For awhile we tracked her online. Like porn, sexting, posting and sending inappropriate selfies, and .sites like Snapchat and Kik are addictive. When your child is out of control with online behavior, you, the parent, have to take control. It is my role as a father to protect my child from those who may harm her, and sometimes from herself. She is doing well now.
While your thought processes about the structure of our society is true. You neglect to bring to light the fact that parents do not oversee what their children are doing. I have a 15 year old girl who cares nothing for boys believes that showing skin unnecessarily makes you a hoyden and has never read a romance in her life! Her t.v viewing leans towards shows that have more to do with criminal profiling then steamy sex scenes. But while we’re on the whole girls being exposed to porn, there’s porn in the bible. Adam and Eve were naked before eve ate the apple that made them realize they were naked and forced them to cover their nudity. There is adultery in the bible, there is killing and prostitutes and dare we say it, references to homosexuality but the bible is a much better book to read. Hmmmm someone needs to brush up on things because if we are going to talk about exposing young girls to things we need to talk about everything that does it not just pick and choose.
Zen: But if you actually read the Bible, therd are clearly CONSEQUENCES for those actions, unlike our society that refuses to make people responsible for their actions. Hmm it seems you need to brush up on your Biblical readings and not pick and choose things without seeing their context.
Yes, the Bible does have those sins in it and CONDEMNS them. Just because it’s in the Bible doesn’t mean God approves of it. Many sins are included to help us and teach us what not to do. It shows how following or sinful lust will lead us to spiritual and (sometimes) physical death.
The Bible is also a historical document not one event is false. Just cause it’s telling you what happened doesn’t mean God condoned it.
Absolutely agree!!! Not only that, just walking through department stores!!! All the pretty faces splashed everywhere!! I tell my daughter and son that isn’t real!! It’s photoshop, and airbrushing!! Makeup and artist!!! I tell my daughter that she is smart and beautiful, tough, funny, kind!! I don’t let her watch or read that crap!! We train up our children in the way that they should go!!!! This industry is an insult!!!
I would like to thank you for the article 5 Ways Our Culture is Grooming Your Daughter for Porn, sure it is good idea for protection of family. now I m a teacher in a school and such aptitude have been seen very much in school. and also this aptitude nature or what we call young desire for pornography is in both girls and boys. The suggestion you provided is right. But the culture in bihar, begusarai where see the more openess given young boys and they are captured with such an aptitude. what shall can be done for the boys here.
Here is the reality no one ever talks about: women use sex and push sex to get what they want from the time they are 14 until they can no longer do it. Go look for yourself at the millions of women doing porn. Professional porn that is. I am not even talking about personal porn that is on everyone’s phones. Heck, a middle school got busted where I live and over 50% of the girls had nude pictures of themselves on their phones. Then there are webcam girls, strippers, hookers, escorts, massage girls, and models. Let’s just face facts — until women are held accountable for their actions nothing will change. But we never hold women accountable do we? It is always the male’s fault. Yet, we never talk about the responsibility of a woman not to tempt. I find all these articles laughable because we never hold both sides accountable and until we do so, it is all just a waste of breath.
I think fighting feminism is a HUGE first step. I agree with this author. Feminism is destroying family in the womb, in the divorce court, by creating a combative gender situation, and by giving women a completely unrealistic view of life. Men learned long ago to get something you have to give up something. Feminists try to peddle this nonsense that a woman can be a wife, mother, lover, in shape, activist, career woman, empowered …. and not give up something. Well, that is nonsense. There is trade offs for everything.
Thanks for sharing. We also think women (and men) making pornography—either professionally or personally—should be held accountable to how they express themselves sexually. We often talk about this on our blog (in case you thought maybe we were neglecting this).
We talk about the spread of so-called “sex positive” feminism on college campuses and why it should concern us.
We target the authors of women’s erotica for contributing to a culture of sexual exploitation.
We interview former porn actresses about their lives in the industry and why they got out.
We write about how people need to remember making pornography is itself a form of prostitution. The two should not be so sharply distinguished.
We write about the vital importance of modesty among Christian women.
We comment on cultural trends, such as the acceptance of porn use among women, young girls using social media as a forum to flaunt their bodies, the growing prevalence of sexting, and the growing number of women posting videos on YouTube to ask “Am I pretty?”
We also display the stories of women who are setting a new trend—choosing to be accountable instead of indulging in sexual sin (here, here, here, here, and here).
Hope you find the links helpful!
I agree. You can’t just hold one side accountable and not the other. For example. You can keep your kid from porn but oddly I am reading People magazine at the same time I am reading Covenant Eyes and on People there is a picture of Kylie Jenner showing off in a bikini. She has been doing this since she was literally 12. So it doesn’t matter if your kids avoids porn because there will be some girl taking a bikini selfie. No one says — hey ladies, stop being vain!! No, we do the exact opposite and say they are “empowered” like you said above. We are literally reinforcing the behavior in women. It is like you have a sweet tooth. You dont want to go to the candy store to get candy, but will go to a grocery store and think it is okay because they only have one aisle of candy. Women are just too vain. This will never change. The bible is full of tempting women and we have never taught our girls to be biblical women who dont tempt. Girls are always given a pass in society. Always. Take abortion. A guy can get 20 years in prison for a fist fight that cause a simple black eye. A girl aborts a baby by crushing its skull and sucking the limbs off a body and is viewed as a hero even though she is aborting that baby out of convenience. It is all hypocrisy really.
This is not true. Most women do not use their sexuality and certainly from age 14
i have often felt torn by two different roles .not having a balanced life because my parents were divorced but yet had a religious relationship with god.i had to look elsewhere for guidance but found myself struggling to know how to love myself .im an adult now .the only thing i was confident was my looks and my body now from having children and being married for 20 years my body isnt the same .my husband chose to have an affair on me and it has taken its toll on our whole family including my girls .they have not been picking men that are good enough for them.when i was little i had a older friend show me cartoon pornography and proceed to rape me ,because we were both school age they would not prosecute the boy .i was 9 and he was at least 16.they did not believe me anyway because the boy and me were neighbors and friends.anyway its something you can forgive but never forget.it has messed me up for life but i take it to the cross every time for help and i have stayed faithful to my husband despite wanting to pack my bags and leave.I am a people pleaser and am always scared of what my husband will do,like put me out in the streets .I feel that women need to get as much info as they can from other godly women and definitely the word of god .I have become a victim and for years i have called on god but i have no trust in any earthy man including my husband.i pray for any woman reading this that you find your identity in christ.from this day forward i chose to believe what he says about me no matter what i think or feel.what his word says about me trumps everthing!!!
Hey Bethany. Your story just breaks my heart. You’re right: the truth of our Selves, hidden with with Christ in God (Col 3:3) is our true identity, and the only reality that matters. I wonder if you’ve had therapy for the rape you suffered as a child, as well as the abuse you’ve endured in this marriage? A counselor who’s experienced in the treatment of trauma could be really helpful to you as you live out the truth that you know already inside yourself. Peace to you, Kay
Hmmm… I’m not entirely sure which part of the article is blaming men? Perhaps a lot of people DO blame men (they shouldn’t, it’s an adult epidemic of over-emphasizing sexualization within the culture), but this article wasn’t about that. Children being absorbed into cultural norms (I.e. having nude pics on their phones, or more), is the exact point of the post. It’s not playing the blame-game of who caused it, it’s merely pointing out the fact that it’s happening and to be aware. Women are groomed for porn in a lot of the same ways men are groomed to look at women (and girls) as sexual objects…from their youth. It’s an identity many women play the role of (being sexy, being appetizing for the sexual gaze…not just from men) and are unable to shake off until age finally grabs them and strips it away. Then what’s left? Are not most women terrified of aging because their so-called feminity decreases with each wrinkle and sag? It’s a built-in anxiety that many feel. Not all, but many, many women. Men too, as a means of being able to attract the youthful sprites. Many learn to switch their power from their looks to their commodities, their wealth and stature to lure women. Not all men, but quite a few. It takes a certain kind of separation of self identity from societal norms to break free from this pressure that can be overwhelming at times.
Maybe we can actually acknowledge “reality” and know that this is a norm pushed by adults that never broke free from those sexualized pressures that were placed upon them. It’s their norm and to many it’s not a huge deal for even children to learn about and absorb sexual realities young because it’s something they’ll need to understand about the real world soon enough.
But that’s not the real world, is it? Or, at least it doesn’t have to be? When 12 year old Johnny asks 12 year old Susie to send him a nude picture, he doesn’t realize he’s as much influenced by the culture as Susie who obliges. Its twisted. But teaching kids to be aware of how they view their own identities and those of other people against the backdrop of social norms would be a powerful tool. Sex is powerful, but it doesn’t have to be all that you portray or pursue. You are so much more than that and so is every single person you encounter…face-to-face AND behind every screen. Don’t be fooled even if another person tries to make that a big part of their identity, and don’t be naive in thinking no one is going to try to push that identity on you. Those who have absorbed sexuality as a means of extending their identity, know that they still have worth beyond what their body can illicit. Don’t forget that, kids. You may see things people do or meet women who sell their bodies and/or images… or men who spend a lot of time, energy and money purchasing those things…but both the buyer and seller have so much more worth in who they are than even they realize. It’s not all about consuming and being consumed, as playing into the sexual culture portrays… there’s so many more beautiful things to life and relationship and being human than that. That’s the lie I think this article is trying to beware parents of (or general public, even). So, let’s just be aware and try to help kids understand the realities as best as possible in hopes that they can navigate life even more effectively when you’re not around. Because you won’t be all the time, or inevitably, at all at some point.
This article is talking about children. But you absolutely right, the male sex drive is exploited for financial gain by women and men (who use sex to sell) and this does needs to be talked about more. Men need to speak our against their vitality being used against them but they are not. I guess it is because they have formed addictions and they believe that this is what they want. and they are told over and over that virginity makes them a freakish and unloveable. What a mess! but we are not enemies, ok? You look to the Lord for your issues before speaking about the issues of others. We are all of the same team. It is the devil that is trying to divide men and women. He is working all angles. I am a women and I would like to personally attest to the fact that when I was 14-26 and men started giving me attention, I thought it was because they liked me, like wanted to hang out because they wanted friendship. I had no idea that once I hit puberty it was as if someone had dropped a million bucks into my private account and everybody wanted a piece of it. I had no idea. I just thought people wanted to talk to me. I had no “sense” of the worth of my vitality in my primary child bearing years-and it is so hard to express it to young women now because it makes you seem as if you are reducing them somehow. After I got tangled up in heartbreak and after I became numb and “disassociated”because bonding chemicals that were creating trauma in me and my lovers, I became pretty sex addicted, avoidant, unable to commit and selfish. Believe me, men and women, boys and girls are all being exploited.(It’s almost as if we have an “invisible” enemy who is waiting like a lion to devour us…) But often it is believed that women won’t have problems with viewing or participating in porn and so it is important to note that “grooming” for sexual abuse is happening across society to all children/men/women including girls.
Very true article, and very powerful forces at work in our world. I definitely used to be highly addicted until the Lord delivered me, praise to God! But I’ve had to take many measures to keep my eyes and ears from seeing and hearing it! God made our brains completely amazing, and at times trying to keep my thoughts pure is a huge struggle, music just listening to it, well they know what they are doing, certain well many genres I will not listen to ever again because of the thoughts it provokes, movies I don’t watch, scenes I skip that don’t even need to be in movies, or I just watch old series that have nothing terrible in them or are Christian based! It’s hard work, to keep our thoughts on things that are lovely and pure and of good report! Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy. But thanks be to Hod who gives us a way out of our temptations! I just pray for myself and my family! Well and others!