Porn Addiction Recovery: A Woman’s Story of Freedom

The following is an essay written by Paige, one of our scholarship winners from last year. Paige is graduating from Biola University this spring (May 2015) with a Bachelor’s in Cinema & Media Arts, and is currently pursuing a full-time career as a recording artist in the music industry.

This is one of the essays Paige submitted to apply for our scholarship. If you are interested in applying for this year’s scholarship, fill out our application.


From the time I was six years old, I have been exposed to ungodly sexuality, pornography, and other forms of unwholesome media. Growing up in a secular, alcoholic household, filled with materialism and devoid of true love, I began to develop an unhealthy concept of sex, never fully arriving at the intrinsic significance of God’s purposeful intention in creating relationships between men and women. This exposure combined with parental neglect led to a forced personal exploration for me as a pre-teen.

Porn Addiction Recovery - A Woman's Story

For many years, I wondered and questioned about what sex was really created for. As I entered high school, my eyes began to open to the reality of Jesus when my Mom made a life-changing decision to get clean and sober from alcohol. I began to see God in such a powerful way in her life and wondered if God could possibly have that in store for me, too. Two weeks later, I rededicated my life to the Lord and devoted myself to full-time ministry.

I danced and sang and entertained for three full years in TeamKid!, our church’s children’s ministry, traveling to cities to share the gospel with thousands. Yet, even during this time, the question still remained, “Who am I really as a daughter of God? And how can I steward myself to live a life of full and vibrant purity?”

In high school, this question sparked a personal decision not to date so that my heart could become more fully healed and so I could continue to understand God’s purpose for my heart and my sexuality. In August 2009, I moved to California and began attending Biola University. While things went beautifully the first couple of years, I suddenly began to sink into a deep depression as past hurts from my upbringing in an abusive and alcoholic home arose.

Desperate for comfort and aid, I quickly turned to food and deprecating thoughts about my body to cope with my hurtful past. It was during this time that my relationship with self-gratification and pornography caught like wildfire, and before I knew it, I was engaging in co-occurring addictions to remedy my pain and mental exhaustion. I felt so ashamed, especially for being a woman who struggled with this issue. After all, according to church statistics, it was strange that a woman would struggle with such a thing. Lonely and afraid, I continued to spiral out of control until I finally called out for help.

That semester, I made a brave yet tough decision to leave Biola, the school I loved and cherished, to be made whole. With the support of my friends and family, I moved back to Texas to enroll in a four-month outpatient program called Healing Choices that fostered a healthy community for addicts in all kinds of recovery while dealing with the painful roots and hang-ups that kept us bound. Offering group, individual and dialectical methods of therapy, the program began to expose my deepest wounds while offering support in Jesus Christ so that I could begin to see hope and achieve true freedom.

On month four, I returned to Biola University with the entire staff’s blessing to begin my new life in recovery. It was then that Covenant Eyes entered my life. Introduced by Rob Lister, my professor of Theology of Marriage & Family, Covenant Eyes was given to us as an assignment to aid in our individual journeys to purity. We could choose either to write a paper on an additional text or to enroll in Covenant Eyes and link up to an accountability partner. (I chose Covenant Eyes, of course!)

This software has become an extremely powerful tool in my recovery journey, so much so that I’m not quite sure what I would do without it. It has enlivened my passion for personal purity, to shine as a bright example to young women everywhere. I use the computer software and iPhone browser to keep my online searching and activity accountable.

After enrolling, I began meeting every week with my accountability partner to discuss my results, implement new strategies and update her on my progress. We discuss what it means to be a strong, young woman in a godly relationship and how we can inspire other young women to do the same. I realized that I was not alone, that I was no longer in the minority of women who struggled, and that there were other women just like me who felt the same shameful feelings and needed to be set free. As a result, my accountability partner began a women’s accountability group on campus that meets consistently every Thursday night. We go through a curriculum, check-in, share our hurts, habits and hang-ups, and recover together.

Covenant Eyes has propelled me farther in my journey to recovery than I ever thought I could go, and I am forever grateful. After experiencing the snares and toils of this world, and seeing the hope that a loving community can bring, I can now confidently say I truly believe that He is “making all things new…” (Revelation 21:5).

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