Breaking Free Blog | Covenant Eyes

Christian Accountability and the Role of Covenant Eyes in Defeating Online Temptation

by John Doyel

On September 13, 2005, I walked into my first group for men struggling with sexual addiction. Four days earlier I had resigned my position as a Senior Pastor, and confessed to my wife and our children (ages 16, 18, 22, and 24) that I had an addiction to pornography and had been unfaithful to my wife. I had lost my job, ruined my career, and deeply wounded my family.

What I didn’t know was if I would be able to recover. Can someone who has struggled with porn for over 30 years and been addicted to it for at least 8 years ever break free? Was healing possible? Where does that journey begin and how does one start?

I walked into the church that evening a broken man of 52 years, filled with shame and depression. It was hot and I wore an old pair of tattered shorts, a t-shirt and a pair of sandals. I was a fallen pastor in disguise. Read More…

Table Talk – Conversation Starters about Online Punishments and Internet Predators

Using fresh news stories can be a great way for parents to spark discussions with their kids and teens about how to be a good cyber citizen. “Table Talk” is a series on Breaking Free, passing along recent headlines about Internet temptations and dangers. Use the questions provided to get your family thinking about Internet safety and responsibility.

. . . .

Mom punishes her daughter by changing her Facebook cover photo

When 13-year-old Ava Abbott was rude and disrespectful to her mother, Denise, in front of her friends, Denise thought it was time to teach her daughter a lesson. She logged on to her daughter’s Facebook account and changed the cover photo to show a picture of Ava with a red and white “X” across her mouth and a banner that read, “”I do not know how to keep my [mouth shut]. I am no longer allowed on Facebook or my phone. Please ask why, my mom says I have to answer everyone that asks.” Read More…

Dealing with Porn in a Marriage: Darren and April’s Story (Part 1 of 3)

Covenant Eyes Radio – Episode 126

Podcast: Download (Duration: 16:03 — 7.4MB)

Today we are playing the first part of our interview with Darren and April Mabrey.

Four years into their marriage, April found pornography on Darren’s computer. At the time Darren was attending seminary in training to be a minister. April shares for us the pain of that first discovery and the cycle of sin and discovery that continued for years, eventually leading to April leaving Darren.

Darren also shares his thoughts on what kept him so trapped in pornography and what will bring guys who are trapped in this sin to the breaking point.

For more information visit DarrenMabrey.com.

Music for today’s podcast is “There is a Curse” by The Difficulty

Listen to more Covenant Eyes Radio on iTunes.

. . . .

Read April’s story in the new Covenant Eyes e-book, Hope After Porn. April’s story joins the stories of three other women who have dealt with the pain of pornography in their marriage. Each woman shares the hurt of watching her husbands sink further and further into sin, the critical moments of decision, and catalysts that set her marriage on the right track again.

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012
Written By Luke Gilkerson
Categories: Parenting the Internet Generation, Technology, Life, and Culture

Bullying Statistics: 7 Facts Parents Need to Know About Digital Abuse

Last year’s “Digital Abuse Survey” includes many interesting statistics about the way youth understand and experience online life. Below are seven facts parents should know.

1. Few young people would ask a bully to stop being mean online.

Only 17% of young people would be “very likely” to ask someone to stop being mean to someone else on a social network if they saw it happen.

2. Young people are bullied online through the spreading of rumors.

26% have had something written about them on an Internet page that wasn’t true. More than half of these knew the perpetrator well.
21% have had untrue rumors spread about them over e-mail, IM, or text messages. Nearly two-thirds of these young people knew the perpetrator well. Read More…

Tuesday, May 1st, 2012
Written By Guest Author
Categories: Member Testimonies, Parenting the Internet Generation

The Internet and Your Kids: “You can’t protect them forever”?

by Keith Pond

God has ordained parents protect their children. When does that stop? That stops when the child leaves home to make their own way in the world.

One of the saddest arguments I hear from parents when discussing some area where they have been permissive with their child is “You can’t shield them forever!” That is true, but you can shield them for now, and it is your responsibility.

What parent would leave their toddler unattended in the backyard with the neighbor’s pit bull? “You can’t shield them forever.”
Or would they let the child play by the pool all alone while they go inside to make some lunch. “Sink or swim, you can’t shield them forever.”
Or when older, what parent will give their son or daughter the keys to the car the day they get their license and $1000 dollars to road trip across the country. “You can’t shield them forever.”

Dumber than a pile of rocks. We “train up a child in the way they should go so in the end they will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). We know that our children do not have the maturity to make wise decisions and so we protect them. We shield them. As they prove themselves responsible, we loosen the leash and provide them greater freedom.

It is a foolish thing to open the door of freedom before the child has proven that they possess a modicum of responsibility. Read More…

Monday, April 30th, 2012
Written By Daniel Lohrmann
Categories: Bible Studies, Technology, Life, and Culture

Redefining Sin Again for the Digital Age

The word “sin” is making a comeback in mainstream America, but you may be confused by the new meaning. More than that, I’m concerned by this trend. Allow me to explain.

I was recently at a technology conference in California where “sins at work” became a hot topic for a respected keynote speaker. No, this wasn’t a Christian conference, nor was any religion or controversial political topic even on the agenda. Rather, the speaker was giving examples about unsuccessful workplace strategies for resolving conflict, escalating problems, and maximizing office process efficiency.

Now I don’t think the speaker meant any disrespect for the Bible or any religion—nor was atheism being advocated. In fact, this was the normal language for this person—and I suspect the language was chosen to “spice up” the problems related to poor career decisions. I might have used different words than the speaker, such as a “stupid thing to do,” “violation of accepted office etiquette,” or “bad career move.” Read More…

Friday, April 27th, 2012
Written By Luke Gilkerson
Categories: Wives of Porn Addicts

5 Lies Wives of Porn Addicts Often Believe… and the Truths that Set Them Free

The following is a recording of last Friday’s webinar.

Special thanks to Melissa Haas and Carolyn Woods for being willing to share some of their story as panelists.

Pick up a copy of our book, Hope After Porn: 4 women share their stories of heartbreak…and how their marriages were saved.

Thursday, April 26th, 2012
Written By Luke Gilkerson
Categories: Wives of Porn Addicts

Help Me Save My Marriage! Why does he prefer porn to sex with me?

The following is an excerpt from Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives.

. . . .

Some men seem to prefer looking at pornography to intimacy with their wives. There are a few reasons for this. First, men crave respect and measure their own worth in terms of adequacy. Sometimes they fear really being known because it will result in you discovering his defects. Because of this, at the beginning of your relationship he may have overemphasized just sex instead of focusing on intimacy. For the same reason, porn and masturbation feel like safer alternatives to him. Even if you’ve made yourself sexually available to him, he knows that porn girls will never say “No”—never discover his inadequacies—and he never has to worry about meeting their needs.

There’s a neurological side as well. Pornography rewires the brain, training him to desire the hormonal rush from porn instead of sex with you. The chemical vasopressin, which is released during the sexual act, bonds the man to his sexual partner. With repeated pornography use, he is bonding himself to images on a screen. Given that many men were exposed to pornography during childhood, he may have chemically bonded with the women of pornography long before you entered the picture.

Some men become so dependent on porn that it becomes a behavioral addiction. Much like a drug addict, men entrenched in pornography will do anything for their fix, including sacrificing what should be most dear to them.
Read the e-book Your Brain on Porn, available for free at CovenantEyes.com/ebooks, for more details about how pornography has rewired your husband’s brain.

Keep in mind that not all men show this symptom of addiction. A man might regularly use pornography and often pursue sex with his wife.

Smartphone, Smart Accountability

by Dwayne Moore

My conversation with a church leader recently went something like this:

Me: “I just signed up for Covenant Eyes on my new smartphone.”

Him: “Why’d you do that?”

Me: “I need the accountability.”

Him: “How so?”

Me: “My phone’s got a big screen and fast Internet access. That’s an invitation for temptation. Knowing someone else can see what sites I’ve browsed really helps keep me in check.”

Him: “Hmmm, I see. Well, I don’t really need other people to hold me accountable, because I know God is watching me and that’s all the accountability I need.”

Wow, I sincerely wish I were that spiritual. But the truth is I’m not…

Yes, I know God is omnipresent and His watchful eye is always on me. And I have no doubt I’ll stand before the judgment seat of Christ one day and give an account for “the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10 NIV). So, one would think such ominous knowledge of a fearful God would be more than enough to deter me from sin—and it does help a great deal. After all, my desire above all is to love and serve my God. I never want to disappoint Him.

Yet, no matter how strong my fear and love for God may be, I learned a long time ago that I also need people who will hold me accountable. I need friends and mentors to ask me the hard questions from time to time. I dread the thought of possibly having to admit to someone whom I admire and who trusts me that I did something sinful and stupid. Read More…

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012
Written By Jeff Fisher
Categories: Bible Studies, Book Reviews, Wives of Porn Addicts

Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse (Book Review)

Quick Summary: Sexperiment encourages married couples to have sex seven days in a row. The challenge is a gateway to couples rediscovering intimacy, serving one another and the importance of making time for each other. The book is easy to read, engaging, and exciting. The book doesn’t fail to address hard or sensitive topics. It is Christ-centered and full of Scripture and biblical wisdom about sex and intimacy. At the end of each chapter are discussion questions, wisdom to engaged couples (Before You Do), and wisdom to singles (The Yoke is Not a Joke).

Authors: Ed Young is Pastor of the very large Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas. He and his wife Lisa have authored several books separately and together.

Wow! Seven Days of Sex

Q: What do you think of this challenge, without even reading the book?

“Awesome! I’ve been wanting to have more sex with my spouse!”
“Oh, no! This is the last thing I want!”
“This book must be written by a man… they want sex all the time!”
“The idea of this scares me to death!”
“How can seven days of sex change my marriage?”

I heard all of these voices before I read this book.

The Sexperiment challenge a jump-start to intimacy, not a fix-all. The authors make that clear in the first chapter. They believe the Sexperiment will force married couples to carve time for each other, talk about issues, listen to each other, serve each other, and play together (priorities often lost in marriages). Read More…