Living with integrity in this world is quite difficult because our culture is so against it, but as a Christian God has called me to be different, and striving for integrity plays a key role in that. It is so easy to fall into the temptation of pornography.
Unfortunately, I have a history with porn. Although it is filled with struggles and battles, the story ultimately is about victory in Christ. My story is not unique, but it is mine, and I hope that sharing it will help someone.
My Christian Upbringing
I’ve grown up in a Christian home my entire life, and my parents are amazing believers who have helped me grow in my faith. But navigating how to parent amid technology is challenging, and I don’t envy them. My struggle began at the beginning of the Covid pandemic which shut down the world and virtually ended school for the rest of the semester. I was a very sheltered child and I never had a phone up until that point, which was the end of my ninth-grade year. I was given a phone and computer to do classes and homework and my parents did have parameters with the phone. I wasn’t allowed to have social media till recently, about a few months ago, which I’m so thankful for.
A Click and a New World
This phone opened up an entirely new world to me and within a few weeks I was on a website and this ad popped up and it was for a book. (For context here I’m a big reader and I can read a 300-page book in a couple of hours). Up until that point my parents had bought books for me or had gone to the library with me to check out books. But it was COVID-19 and everything was shut down, I had a ton of free time, and I was out of books to read.
So I clicked on the link. It led to a book that began innocently, but it quickly led to a lot of sexual scenes. That website had what seemed like an infinite amount of books and I got hooked. It started with lighter books, and then the books got progressively worse. I felt so dirty and I was ashamed of what I had been doing, but I was stuck, like literally I wanted to stop reading them, but I couldn’t. I was addicted.
Getting Caught and Finding Freedom
I knew it was wrong and I hid it from my parents for a while until one day my father was smart enough to look through my search history. I was a horrifically naive child and I didn’t know anything about technology so I didn’t know about search history, but I’m so thankful for that moment when my dad confronted me about it.
My dad walked with me through the tough years ahead and provided me accountability which was so needed, and I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciated it. Part of the accountability was getting Covenant Eyes put on my phone, and I really appreciate it. It has been a huge help in keeping me accountable. Integrity is doing what is right when no one is watching and sometimes the hardest place to do that is in your room on your phone alone.
God Is Helping Me
God has helped me with overcoming this struggle, but I need to be honest with you. I still struggle. This temptation didn’t go away for me, but instead, I now fight this temptation. The good news, though, is I have a community around me to help keep me accountable, including Covenant Eyes. I’m so thankful that Covenant Eyes exists and for what they do and the help they have been in my life, trying to fight this temptation. I admit I’m not perfect, not even close, but I have come a long way from where I was and I thank God for never giving up on me and for loving me despite my flaws. I strive to be a person of integrity and reflect the nature of my Savior in everything I do, including what I do with technology.
