The struggles I have had with pornography have been long and hard. It is a road that I have traveled since I was a young girl and something that has filled my life with so much shame. My struggle started with curiosity, like most do. As a young girl who just heard something at school that I didn’t understand, I came home and looked it up on the computer. This introduced me to the side of the internet that was brand new to me at the time. I didn’t fully understand what I was looking at, but I knew right away that I couldn’t tell my parents. I knew deep down that it was wrong. I felt ashamed.
Hopeless and Alone
Throughout my life, I really came to hate the internet and the constant war I was in with it. There have been so many times that I wished I didn’t have a smartphone with access to pornography all the time. I wished I never had that computer in my home that introduced me to this decades-long struggle. I despised the fact that something that was becoming so necessary in the world was the thing that caused me so much shame and regret. I couldn’t live without a phone in this generation. I couldn’t live without a laptop as a college student. To me, technology was a necessary evil that I couldn’t get away from. I felt so hopeless at times and so alone.
Being a woman who struggled with pornography was very difficult. Throughout my life, the only time I heard porn talked about in the church or my social circles was when it was a struggle that men had. There was never any mention that women could struggle and do struggle with pornography addiction. On top of feeling hopeless, I felt alone. I felt so nervous and scared to tell anyone about my struggle. I thought I was the only girl to ever struggle with this and that made me feel worse about myself. I went off to college nervous. I was going to have complete freedom over what I looked at on the internet. I would have much more alone time in my bedroom.
Finding Help
Thankfully I serve an amazing God who surrounded me with other women who shared in my struggle. I was also introduced to Covenant Eyes during my time at college. I was in a Bible class and the professor was talking about sexual sin and how it was present in men and women. She went on to share the importance of accountability when on the road to recovery or victory. She spoke about Covenant Eyes and how it helps overcome pornography by not only blocking certain websites but by having an accountability program.
Covenant Eyes was a major part of my road to victory and freedom. I was able to open up to some close friends and make them accountability partners. I was able to download the software on my phone and laptop and block all the websites that caused me to stumble. Having this software was a complete game changer for my journey. I was able to have real accountability with friends that I trusted and wanted the same thing for me. They supported me through my journey, and with weekly check-ins with the app, they were able to know when they needed to reach out and talk to me. There is a passage in the Bible that talks about getting rid of the thing that makes us sin. I wanted to get rid of the access to porn for so long, but I didn’t know how to do that without legitimately getting rid of my entire phone or laptop. Covenant Eyes made a way. Covenant Eyes allowed me to learn how to have integrity when it comes to using technology. I am confident when I am home alone doing something on my laptop now. I am not nervous about someone seeing my browser history. I can be completely transparent with what I am doing on my iPhone.
Trust Through Accountability
Covenant Eyes not only helped me, but it also helped my marriage. In the past year, I have gotten married. We both have struggled with pornography addiction in the past and struggle still from time to time. Covenant Eyes was something we decided we needed on all of our devices. This has protected the purity of our marriage. We can be each other’s accountability partners and this brings up conversations that we should be having on a regular basis. This gives us both peace of mind about what one another is doing. This builds trust in our relationship and fosters vulnerability.
Pornography is an industry that goes against everything that God created sexual intimacy to be. It perverts the beauty of sex and rewires your brain to view sex as something else. This is something that both I and now my husband have experienced. We have seen how pornography affects you long-term and can take time to heal from. But we have also seen the victory that can come from pursuing the Lord and using programs like Covenant Eyes. Victory and freedom are possible and Covenant Eyes is a tool that is helping millions like me experience that firsthand. Covenant Eyes was a huge part of living in freedom and completely changed my life.
