Sin has taken the form of nude images, explicit magazines, TV shows, R-rated movies, sexual assault, and little minds being exposed to perversion at a young age. Whether the calendar reads 1932 or 2024, both men and women have had to face porn presented in different packages.
Porn has become a normality; individuals are greeted with naked women whether they type Netflix or Pornhub into their search engine. In a culture where everything is extremely sexualized, how do we balance living holy in the midst of it? I am still finding the answer myself and I have learned the answer to the question may vary per individual. As I explore the answer to this problem, I have found that living holy becomes a bit easier when choosing to invest in Covenant Eyes.
Choosing to live holy requires a level of integrity and honesty; choosing to live differently than the rest of culture is a daily challenge and requires dying to self. James 5:16 states:
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) is able to accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power].”
Integrity and living holy starts with accountability. It is often said that “sin grows in the dark.” Living with integrity is being honest with your leaders and accountability partners regarding your search history. This choice not only leads to freedom, it shows that you’re choosing to live an honest life, whereas other individuals are choosing to secretly live in their sin. Thanks to my accountability partners, I found myself in a better position spiritually than I have ever been.
The porn industry has successfully convinced people into believing that watching porn is normal, especially if you’re a man. Watching porn has become a right of passage; if anything, not watching porn as a man is considered bizarre. Meaning the earth is currently roaming with millions of porn addicts that don’t know they’re sick.
What about women? Until recently, women have been left out of this conversation. Women who watched porn were considered to be rare and strange. Young girls have been hiding their porn addictions in fear that something is wrong with them; I know this because I was one. At a young age, I found myself staring at a screen of naked individuals engaging in an act that I didn’t quite understand. Years later, I became disgusted with myself because I felt like the only woman to ever watch porn. The good news is that culture is exposing this lie; the bad news is that it is becoming another normality in our culture.
My struggles with porn started around the age of 12; however, my exposure to naked people started at the age of 8. My brain began to idolize the idea of love and with that came sex. Around 12 or 13, I was exposed to porn and I did not feel much shame because I didn’t know exactly what I was watching. This became the introduction to what eventually would become a porn addiction. I began to feel shame not because I thought watching porn was wrong; I felt shame because I was a woman watching porn. I felt as if this sin was permitted if I had only been born male. This ideology created a thinking pattern that made me think something was wrong with me. It made me think that I was undesirable because I did not look like the girls on screen; it affected the way I viewed myself, my relationships, and the men I dated.
Thankfully, this is not the end of my story. Being called into ministry is one of the best gifts; it is an honor and it is incredibly fulfilling. At the same time, it is a position where the reward is often reflected as delayed gratification. The “thank yous” are few and the struggle is heavy. Choosing to obey the call of ministry in life requires a lot of dying to self that I have yet to fully grasp and develop. Covenant Eyes has been a part of my shaping and call as a minister.
My ministry leaders, friends, and accountability partners have led me to a place where I truly desire what God has for me. I truly desire to live a life where porn is no longer what I lean on out of comfort and familiarity. I desire to live a holy life where the only idol who sits upon my heart is the Lord. Covenant Eyes allows me to take steps into a land of freedom, where my hands are not used for sin. Instead, they will be used to praise and give Glory to the Lord.
I wouldn’t say that I have become a pro at conquering this addiction. However, I know I am on my way there. In August of last year, I truly leaned into the accountability aspect of Covenant Eyes and I can confidently say that I have grown immensely. Often, sexual thoughts and lust are byproducts of a deeper heart issue. Through accountability and therapy, my heart for the Lord has grown immensely. My thinking patterns are filled with life rather than death; I view myself as beloved rather than rejected. In down moments, I lean on my accountability for wisdom and guidance.
Recently, I joined the Covenant Eyes 40 Day Overcome Challenge and I plan to engage in that challenge over the summer. A year ago, I never thought I could overcome this porn addiction. Now, I know that freedom is possible and it is a daily decision. I have hope that it is only up from here because God is good and freedom is available for those who truly seek it.
