42 thoughts on “Can you masturbate without lusting?

  1. In the cases of those exception couples where they’re far away, rather than fantasizing about your spouse, you could find alternative ways to engage in intimacy with them, such as phone sex, using a private web chat such as Skype, or sending each-other videos of yourself on an SD card, that you could easily mail in a regular envelope. That way it’s not about the fantasy spouse, dreaming of the one you miss, you are still actually engaging in this special intimacy with that person, though in a different sense. I imagine in the case of prolonged illness one could try something similar to help, if possible.

    • For the longest time I didn’t know masterbating was not a sin I struggled with it thinking it’s no different from lusting but you shouldn’t put yourself in a that possition if your Type C

  2. The cautions about a “fantasy wife” are well-taken. I believe that masturbating while basically reliving past sexual actual activity that you have had with your wife is fine. In fact, if we overcomel lust and refuse to commit adultery in our hearts, doing this will not lead to the progressive spiral of sin that lust always carries with it.

  3. I masturbate with sex toys and think of my recently deceased husband. I do NOT think there is anything wrong with what I do. God made us sexual beings for a reason. On more than one occasion I have thanked God for making every part of me while I am pleasuring myself. I wish my husband had not died and was still here for us to ‘be one flesh’ in sexual union, but since he is not and I still have the needs/wants, I choose to masturbate rather than have sex with another man.

  4. What if you masturbate without lust , you just do it for biological concerns, like what they said masturbation can help us physically healthy, and sometimes escape from anxiety and stress? In other words it is occasional, it is seldom. Just to free yourself from so much stress.
    Is it a sin? Yes or No?

    • Doug Weiss would say that there are men who masturbation in a fashion that doesn’t have any fantasy at all. It feels to them like a biological process. They aren’t detached in their minds, let it wander to lustful imaginations. They are focused only on the physical sensation. Since this isn’t lust, it should not be labeled as a lustful sin.

      However, there are other factors to consider as well. If you are married, you do not own your sexuality. Your wife does. As such, if she isn’t privy to and supportive of you masturbating, then it should be off limits. If you are single, you should also consider how masturbation (the non-lustful variety) might impact your future sex life.

      You should also beware of self-deception. I know many men who tried to masturbate without lusting, finding it impossible to do because of years of lustful associations with masturbation. They might start in a non-lustful state of mind, but they always have to lust in order to climax.

      Finally, be aware that there are other physical and mental methods of relieving stress and tension in the body. There are healthy habits that can enrich your life and tap into the same neurochemical pathways that masturbation does.

  5. Masterbation may not be choice as is it is for Women. Women masterbate stress related reasons, but not really for physical. Prostate disease or prostate related problems will need men to possibly masturbate more frequently. Masterbation is not a sin, lust is. Images, stories such as in Literotica may not be sin by itself, but the lust is. It is the trigger to sin not necessarily the medium. Some women masturbate after reading a sexy novel, or watching the Bachelor. Prime time tv or books are not porn, but lust is being triggered in some. My point is that it is the lust. Lust can be triggered by anything, your spouses brother or sister, co worker. Imaginary person or storyline. Etc.
    For those men who have wives that are tired etc, try masturbating with them naked or half naked and get close and touch etc. They can be part of it without really doing the “work”. Also, like Literotica…,write your own story starring your wife. I’m sure one should be careful on what is written, but start with past experiences.
    Try filming modelling show, starring guess who. You would be surprised how many sexy outfits she will want to try on.
    Encourage her to do selfies. They all like doing them anyway.
    In the end you will have a great collection far greater than any porn or Literotica collection and you will masterbating without sin.

  6. The First Things blog had a great article on masturbation by CS Lewis.

    I used to by into the “need” to masturbate. I found that I used the “need” as an excuse to indulge in a very self-centered act, whether to fantasy or not. The idea that a man has to masturbate is a myth. If you have been masturbating a lot, then you will have chemical, emotional, and physical withdrawal which will make it feel like you “need” to do it. I myself have gone over six months without masturbating or sex and I know guys who are over 2 & 3 years. It is possible with knowledge and a support network of guys to talk to.

    I would also say that masturbating to deal with stress and anxiety is a bad idea. That is what alcoholics do with drinking, they deaden their emotions. It is a dangerous and slippery slope that I have been way down. It is better to develop good coping skills and a good community to help you deal with the stress and anxiety and a godly way.

  7. “Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” Your line of thinking is the same that argues that faith can exist outside of action, i.e. “works” (BTW works means works of the Law – mosaic law). In the same way gluttony is a disordered act regardless of what you are thinking. My boss takes this argument further when he gawks at women and states “it’s not a sin if you don’t lust after them” WTH is he doing then? What he is really saying is that because he doesn’t fantasize sexual acts he is not lusting. And somehow Catholics are legalistic? WOW WOW WOW!!!!

  8. Well, first and foremost without getting into too much detail the very presentation of Weiss’ book as though it was respectable Christian literature.

  9. If you are watching and participating in a workout video and the instructor is opposite sex and during the workout you “slightly, unconsciously” feel passing thoughts of lust towards her and AFTER the workout you perform type B masturbation what are your thoughts on this? Are you going to send me an email to answer me please? thanks

    • I can reply to you right here, Nicolas.

      In short, I think there can be problems with both Type B and Type C masturbation, but for slightly different reasons. Type C masturbation is, of course, intimately tied to lust and is therefore sinful. Type B masturbation, however, can be something that even young children do (of course, without ejaculation), which isn’t in and of itself sinful, though it can lead to patterns of behavior that are. Type B masturbation becomes a problem when it is a clear replacement for either healthy sexuality or even spiritual devotion.

      More to your example, I would say that first the person really needs to examine their heart when it comes to motives. Maybe Type C people, in an effort to justify themselves, will claim they are engaging in Type B masturbation just because they keep their mind free of images of specific people, but if they are honest, they will say that they masturbation in direct response to lust throughout the day. Their mind is still engaged in fantasy of some sort, perhaps thinking about the act of sex, and this is not Type B. This is Type C.

      Second, if a person shared this scenario with me, I would tell them to fight their lust tooth and nail and consider that possibly the masturbation is a byproduct of that unmortified lust.

  10. Protestantism goes hand in hand (no pun intended) with Relativism. Did you know that around 100 years ago that Roman Catholicism and every major Christian denomination considered contraception a sin. Today, Catholicism is the only one that has not budged on this issue. Even John Belushi of Saturday Night Live knew masturbation is a disordered act when he did the “Buzz Buzz” skit back in the 70’s. You don’t see them doing skits on prayer and penance. True Christianity that Jesus taught was to deny yourself. He showed this by fasting for 40 days. I am amazed that people who call themselves Christian have been so immersed in this oversexed culture that think that their balls will fall off if they don’t stimulate them. If you still don’t get it let me state clearly that Masturbation is a very selfish act of pleasure seeking. It is using the faculties of sexual reproduction outside of the context of sexual reproduction. Another example of this is gluttony where a person eats not for sustenance but for pleasure. “Deny yourself and pick up your cross.” Jesus goes even further and states that we will be judged for every idle word i.e. every word that does not benefit someone else. How is your self pleasuring benefiting anyone. BTW the word masturbation is derived form the word “slavery”. Get a grip (no pun intended) and find out what pleases God not yourself. The next time you choke your chicken and you get that nagging guilty feeling that is your conscience. My mother was not a church goer and she even knew this was wrong and she sure let me know it. Shame Shame Shame!

    • You’ve stated a lot here that doesn’t have to do with the subject of this post, so I’m not sure how much I should reply to. I’ll be purposefully selective so we can stay on topic.

      1. I don’t at all disagree with you that masturbation is rooted in a desire for self-pleasure, but I also don’t believe that the self-denial promoted in the New Testament is a rejection of all pleasure. I could say a lot more about this, but I don’t want to misunderstand where you are coming from on this. Are you saying that to eat with the motive “I like the taste of this food” is wrong? Is is sinful to walk outside with the intention of “I like the look of sunsets”? Is is sinful to buy a mattress with the thought, “This one feels softer than the other one”? All of these are choices made primarily for the purpose of physical pleasure. Are those sinful motives?

      2. To be clear, I believe a habit of masturbation is a real problem, something that can easily train men to seek out solo-sex as the primary purpose of their sexuality, and this is against God’s design. I’m just not prepared to say that all Type B masturbation is sinful is because even children as young as 5 are known to masturbate, but not connected to any lustful actions, nor even with a fantasy experience that is connected to sexual desire. Since the Bible doesn’t categorically come out against such actions, I don’t think its wise to attach the label sin to something God didn’t.

    • Why dont you get your own blog. You lost me completely with ypur “What the Hell” acronym. Work on your own piety before trying to hijack someone elses ministry.

  11. Children do a lot of things such as eat garbage of the floor. Although the child, because he doesn’t know better is not culpable we are responsible to discourage bad behavior. Although you hit the nail on the head (no pun intended) in regards to intention and accountability we are talking about adults here who know better. Somehow you broad brush connect the dots and erroneously rationalize that if garbage eating off the floor is ok for kids its ok for adults. Secondly, you missed the point on pleasure. I never said pleasure was bad. Somehow you broad brush connect the dots and erroneously rationalize that because what I meant was Jesus never experienced pleasure. That believe I was very clear on pleasure is good in the right context i.e. enjoying food, enjoying sex, enjoying a sunset. How did you miss that one. It is when we seek pleasure for ourselves it is bad. God teaches us to seek other people’s benefit before ourselves. By doing that we will experience pleasure. Keeping it simple, for example, when we help someone we can find personal pleasure. When we nourish ourselves we enjoy it. When we get a good night’s sleep we enjoy it. A glass of cold water is refreshing. When we procreate as God taught we enjoy it. When we sleep all day when we slept all night we are sinning. When we eat more too much we are sinning. When we seek sexual pleasure outside the context of procreation we are sinning. I don’t think you got it the first time but this is why I started with the comments on contraception being considered evil about a hundred years ago by every major denomination and now most Protestants think it ok. Next on the list is homosexuality.

    • Thanks for clarifying your earlier statements. Like I said, I didn’t want to misunderstand you. Somehow you got the idea that I was erroneously broad brushing your comments, even when I said that’s the very thing I didn’t want to do, which is why I asked you to clarify. No need to accuse me of something when I’m merely asking for you to make your position clear. Thanks for doing that.

      If I understand you rightly, you are making a distinction between the act of masturbation and the motives behind the act, which is exactly what I’m doing. As you said, “because [the child] doesn’t know better” when he masturbates, he isn’t culpable. I agree 100%. His motives are totally different than an adult’s motives. What I’m saying is that if the act of masturbation isn’t sinful apart from sinful motives, then we need to look the variety of motives for masturbating and address those specifically (which is what the article is attempting to do).

      What I hear you saying is that any adult who masturbates has a sinful motive, which is similar to what I stated in the article. I wrote, “What habits are you creating by repeated Type B masturbation? Are you becoming mastered by this habit (see 1 Corinthians 6:12)? If so, you might be reinforcing a false belief that your body is simply your own. Your body is for the Lord (6:13)—and your wife if you are married. ‘You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body’ (6:19b-20).” The whole point is to say even if you masturbation does not involve lust, it might involve another sin. As far as I can see, we agree on this.

      Now, speaking to whether sexual pleasure outside the context of procreation is sinful, I’ll have to ask you to elaborate further. I’ve not heard you argue for why you think God has stated this, but I’d love to know why you think that.

      Let me put a finer point on it to steer our discussion. If on a given instance, right after a woman’s period, her husband has sex with her knowing that she isn’t ovulating, but they don’t use contraceptive devices, are they sinning because they are seeking sexual pleasure believing she isn’t fertile? Are you saying any time a couple has sex with the knowledge that the woman isn’t likely fertile, they are sinning? If a man has sex with his wife who has gone through menopause, and he does so believing they won’t have children, they sinning? If a woman has to have a surgical procedure that renders her infertile but she still chooses to have sex with her husband, are they sinning?

      I’m asking because I want to understand your position. What statements in God’s revealed will informs your thoughts on these questions?

  12. “What we have here is failure…to communicate.”

    Leve it simply put at this: Sexual activity outside of the confines of the marital act, unobstructed from procreation, between a husband and wife, with full consent from both parties is morally wrong. BLACK AD WHITE issues here people. Do not be swayed in to believing this posteblightenment hog wash. You can rationalize cutting your own mother’s throat if you just keep explaining away the circumstances.

    The power to procreate is a power not given to the angels, which was the reason for the revolt in heaven, yet here we sit with a jar of Vaseline to our right, a towel at our feet and the bible on the shelf. Sin is sin, it is only “not” sin when we listen to the one who tempts, “he was a liar and murderer from the beginning”.

    People need to learn to think with their brains and not their hearts, be logical and rational, it’s really not that difficult.

    • Hey Marcus, thanks for joining the discussion.

      1. I’d love to know where you get the whole story about angels revolting because they couldn’t procreate. Really, that sounds interesting.

      2. In the post I talk about the sinful motives that can be attached to masturbation, even when “lust” is not the prime motivator. Personally, I think masturbation is a terribly unwise habit to get into, regardless of the specific motives, because it divorces one’s sexuality from the act of marital intimacy. It trains the mind to get accustomed to solo-sex.

      The purpose of the post was merely to highlight some of the themes of Dr. Weiss’ book and ask people to comment (which they gladly have), not to provide an endorsement of everything he wrote about.

  13. You are correct and the motives vs the actions. The problem is that this book suggests that an adult can make a decision to masturbate without bad motives? The only one’s who are exempt from accountability are babies and the mentality retarded. Your nuts aren’t going to shrivel up because you don’t stimulate them. I am talking from experience here and used to be a slave to masturbation. I can tell you from experience that those who struggle with this have not learned the concept of chastity of the eyes. Think of your body as a stove pot and every time you see or think of a sensual image the temperature goes up. Eventually you are going to boil over. My old boss shared how he spent all day with this hot colleague and at the end of the day his nuts ached. If a person doesn’t realize that his very taking in of his sensual senses is a sin then he will rationalize that reliving his aching balls isn’t a sin either. The problem is sin caused the aching balls. Unfortunately I know these games all too well. As an evangelical I used to rationalize to myself that I did not commit a major sin if I did not ejaculate. Bottom line is that someone who is trying to rationalize that masturbating is not crossing the line has already crossed the line with his eyes. Our eyes are hard wired to our genitals.

  14. When you shut down your eyes to sensuality as Job did you will not have any desire whatsoever to masturbate. I have an image here of a weak evangelical “I’m struggling brother” That is evangelical “speak” for I don’t have chastity of my eyes and I am about to boil over. He isn’t struggling. He has already surrendered his eyes to sin. I have many friends and colleagues who consider themselves good faithful Christians, but when we are having lunch at a restaurant they cannot (even in my presence) stop checking every beautiful woman who passes by. I believe a lot of this has to do with our oversexed society (viagra for 70 year old people, plastic surgery, etc.). People get married for sex and when that doesn’t fulfill them the marriage crumbles. It is all about modesty. Modesty of the eyes and modesty in dress. A person who dresses immodestly is guilty of causing someone else’s lust (boiling over). Don’t kid yourself, lust is not a specific fantasize you create in your mind. It is a hunger like your stomach growling. If you purposely allow yourself to see certain things and you feel a little tingle in your genitals that’s lust (even if just a very small level). From experience I know that most so called Christians have no convictions concerning sun bathing or two piece swim suits. There is no way any red blooded young man is going to get out of that party without falling. “Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” If you got the hunger then you have lust. My stomach hunger is good in any context. My sexual hunger needs to be in the context of the marriage bed. Outside of that it is lust.

  15. hi,
    ive been with my gf now for 4 years but up until now ive been a consant “type c” masterbater but i only think about her. reading the bible it says not to lust so after reading that i did masterbate that night and i was full of guilt so i havent masterbated since but its causing sexual frustrations. so were not married and live far away (but i plan on poping the question in a year or two) should i be allowed to masterbate if i only think of her only? also, ofc were all going to lust. were human and just flesh and bone. type a men although never masterbated must of atleast lusted about a femal (thinking shes hot) so we all sin and god forgives all sin through jesus but ut says to not constantly keep doing the same sin like masterbating… does this change anything?

    • Hi Steven,

      Good question. Masturbating while fantasizing about a woman who is not your wife is lust and is condemned by the Bible. Yes, for the Christian, all sin is covered by the blood of Christ, so lust is most certainly forgivable, but the promise of God’s forgiveness is never used in the Bible as an endorsement of sin or an encouragement to sin. The reason is Jesus doesn’t just set us free from the guilt of sin. He also sets us free from the grip of sin. In fact, Paul addresses this exact principle in Romans 6 (I encourage you to read it). In this chapter, he says we don’t keep sinning so God can pour out more grace on us. Rather, we live believing that we are united to the Spirit of the risen Christ, believing that Christ shares his resurrection power with us, believing that this means we are no longer slaves to sin (like we were before Christ), but we are free to live a righteous life.

      If we believe Christ for our salvation, we must trust him for all of our salvation, not just forgiveness. Salvation from sin means not just salvation from the shame and guilt of sin, but salvation from sin’s power in our lives.

  16. Prostate cancer runs in my family, Now in my 60’s my wife of 41 yrs cannot have sex due to pysical difficulties. I have noticed my urine stream slowing down. I read thar masturbating 3 times per week would improve the stream and promote prostae health by a medical proffesional. The urine stream is now better. I do not fanasize. Your comments would be appreciated.

    • That’s a good question, Larry. I do think this issue is a matter of conscience, and in this case I would say you are not sinning, but I would also ask others you trust about this to get their perspective.

  17. My wife has not had sex with me for over 12 years. I Masturbate thinking of the time when we did have sex. We are both in our late sixties. My wife had a hysterectomy and no longer wants sex or wants to engage in sex. We have never discussed my masturbating, which is only about twice a year. I call it revealing sexual frustration. What type is this and am i wrong for what I do???

    • As the article says, this would be Type C. The article’s comments about lusting after your wife are pertinent here.

      I think it is important to recognize the Bible doesn’t approach these matters in terms of only right and wrong. The Bible also sees actions as wise and unwise. I actually had a conversation with widower last year who masturbated to memories of his wife. That discussion might benefit you greatly. You can read it here. Both the article and the comments are relevant.

  18. I am a 36 year old married mother! I got married when I was 21 to my husband who was 35 then. He is now fifty years old and me 36. We have two beautiful children together and both
    Love God. Just in the few past years my husband has stopped showing me affection and we have sex maybe twice a month. For me being in my prime of life this has been very difficult. He has to take medication to have an erection. I almost feel like he’s my father because the age gap seems bigger now. He is slowing down in life getting ready to retire and I’m still wanting to live. I have really been struggling with temptation and fantasizing about being with another man who I met back in June. He is younger than me and I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel so guilty but at the same time feel neglected by my husband. I really am not sure I can stay in a relationship where I ignored and not loved and neglected of my needs. I need help fast! I love my God and would never do anything to hurt my family intentionally!

    • Thanks for being so honest. Facing up to what’s going on before it goes any further is a really excellent thing to do!

      First of all, I think our sexuality is a real part of us that needs to be honored and cared for like every other part of us. So your need for sexual intimacy with your husband is not just something to forget about. What’s more, I don’t think 50 is all that old! My husband turns 50 this year and we’re just gearing up for the empty nest and a bunch of fun stuff we couldn’t do with four kids in tow! So I’d want to be sure he gets a full physical evaluation with his doctor, to make sure there’s not a medical problem. Also, we write a bunch about the issue of erectile dysfunction here on the blog, which can be a result of pornography addiction, so I’d want to eliminate that possibility as well. In other words, he needs to make sure he’s healthy in every way, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

      But here’s where I see the real problem. I think the emotional intimacy has failed in your marriage. You can have a ton of affection and enjoyment with each other, apart from sex. Sex is important, sure, but it’s not the totality of your relationship. I think if you were emotionally together in the marriage, you wouldn’t be fantasizing about this other guy. It sounds like you’ve already left in your head, and as a result, you might “unintentionally” hurt your family.

      I don’t know how the emotional connection in your marriage has come undone, but I think that’s the main problem that needs to be worked on. I’d recommend counseling; the American Association of Christian Counselors is a great place to look for help in your area. I also love Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. None of the principles for making marriage work is sex, by the way! Good sex is a nice bonus, not the the foundation.

      A great marriage doesn’t happen by accident, or even by a good sex life. It’s a deliberate process of making good choices in many areas and turning toward the relationship every time you can. That’s another Gottman tidbit–I wrote about that in another post earlier this week. Check that stuff out, and let me know what you think.

      Blessings, Kay

  19. Well, I’d say he’s addicted to the chemical rush of ejaculation–that’s the short answer. He got started doing this at some point, and now he’s got a habit and a chemical process going on and this is what it is: addiction. He may not have the intention of acting out with other women. For some men, it does escalate into acting out with other people. For others, it escalates into viewing more disturbing material, taking more time and attention, becoming unpleasant emotionally, etc. Many men find that erectile dysfunction becomes an issue as the chemical system of the body becomes depleted over time. As for what you want to do about it? I’d say you need to consider what’s healthy for you, and what boundaries you want to have around sexuality in your marriage. I don’t know if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of several women and the boundaries they chose in their particular situations. Have a look and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay

  20. Hey,
    I’m only 15 years old and have already been masturbating for 4 years. Around 2 years ago is when I started watching porn and now I’m addicted. The guilty feeling I used to feel is almost gone now and the only reason I want to stop is because I know its a sin. I’m not sure how to go about stopping. Even though I’m not supposed to buy into the belief that ‘I need to do it’, almost every time I have tried to stop I’ve failed. I know I cant do it on my own power and I need God’s but when I pray for self-control the temptation gets worse. I don’t know what to do and any suggestions would be helpful.

    • Hi Dan,

      Great question. I would suggest you start seeing masturbation in a different light. Masturbation, specifically when it is driven and fueled by lustful fantasy, is the fruit of the bad tree. If we focus only on removing the fruit but not the tree, we will get exhausted picking the fruit and it will never stop growing. We need to look at the tree.

      What is the tree? The tree has many branches, and each one should be taken into account. First, there is the branch of lustful fantasy. If this is a habit in your life, lusting after girls you see, meditating on images or memories of women in your mind, then this is the first habit to change. Make it a goal every day: Today I’m going to bounce my eyes and thoughts away from images and interactions that might cause me to lust. Focus on one day at a time.

      Second, there is the branch of physical habits. Often guys masturbate when they get into the physical habit of playing with themselves when they get an erection. The incidental erection (which may or may not be caused by anything mentally) becomes a trigger and a reminder of the pleasure of masturbation. Have a battle plan for these moments: choose to get up and do something different at the first sign that this is your intention. If getting up isn’t an option, at least choose to not play with yourself and redirect your thoughts to something else (such as a passage of Scripture).

      Third, learn how to manage failures. Chances are, even after reading this, you will still masturbate at some point. Instead of wallowing in guilt over the matter, take the matter to God in prayer, believe Christ has forgiven you, and ask God to show you where the weakness was. Again, the focus is not on the act of masturbation itself but the mental and physical habits that were going on minutes or hours before it happened.

      Going even deeper, it is vital to get to the root of the problem even under these mental and physical habits. If you only do these strategies above, you are just changing your behavior, not your heart. I recommend you read this article about the Apostle Paul’s secret for fighting sexual sin.

  21. Hey Cheryl. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain for a long time.

    I wonder if you’re getting support for yourself in all this? Griefshare is a program that lots of churches offer for free or a very minimal cost. And I also like the American Association of Christian Counselors directory, which has counselors of all kinds in many places throughout the US.

    I think you’re describing what a lot of us have experienced, and what research is now showing: people who are addicted to porn tend to become very self-focused and entitled. They have a hard time paying attention to anything other than the addiction after a while. A lot of times it’s because of pain in the addict’s life that he or she turns to porn so increasingly, but whatever the reason, it’s really sad and maddening to live with. And ultimately, the addict has to be responsible for him or her self in recovery.

    In regards to boundaries: boundaries are not so much about the other person’s behavior, but more about our own choices. It’s answering questions like this: what is healthy, right, ethical, and desirable for me to have in my life? When someone (e.g., husband) brings something into the marriage that I don’t want (is over my boundaries) WHAT WILL I CHOOSE TO DO? I think there’s been a malicious but popular fiction in Christian circles that if we are just nice enough, pretty enough, quiet enough, cheerful enough, loving enough, whatever enough–THEN our husbands and our children will all make good choices and be nice and cheerful and loving to us in return. Unfortunately, it’s completely false and nothing will prove it false quicker than a sexual addiction. There’s nothing we can do to MAKE another person do what we want, even when what we want is right and good! Our only control is over ourselves and our choices–that’s the bottom line with boundaries.

    Sometimes people will tell me, “I gave him a boundary about that”–and often that’s more of a threat than a boundary!

    For the best exploration of this topic, check into Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

    You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the choices and boundaries that were a part of their own recovery. Some of those women chose separation as part of the recovery process.

    Have a look at those things and let me know what you think! Kay

  22. I’ve been a Christian for 12 years, I am a true Christian who does have a heart of seeking truth. However I’ve been in bondage of masterbation and ponorgraphy for 13 years. I never shared this with anyone. I masterbatwd everyone single day throughout da 13 years, at least once a day, unless I had sex with my wife. Praise God, I finally gave it up three months ago. Since early November last year I’ve never entered a porn site or masterbated again. However my wife hasn’t had sex with me since May last year. I read on internet that it might not be healthy. My wife said, she’d never have sex with me unless I lose some weight. Is this healthy? Or is it alright if I be a Type B once every three or four months?

    • Is it healthy for your wife to refuse sex? Yes. I wish more people would understand how harmful this is to a marriage—if not the sexless state, the attitude of repugnance.

      It is best to Type B masturbate to alleviate sexual tension? I think my article covers some of the questions you need to ask yourself. I would also recommend you read this article and ask yourself if it applies to you.

  23. I have been searching the internet, mind, heart and soul over the “rules” of engagement here. My fiance and I will be getting married soon, not soon enough for my prostate. It hurts worse everyday. I was, or still may be avoiding, being a type C. My fiance knew it and also is a type C. The only time I care when she does do the type C is when I get no Type of anything and yet she is type Cing herself. I honestly didn’t care prior to this and may not now considering being born again. I am the one between us who said NO unless it was for Love (which still hasn’t happened yet. I want to make love, have sex and all the above with her. I have controlled myself from doing so until our marriage, from born again, about 3-4 months prior to now.
    I was masterbating regularly and would have continued if I wasn’t scared to. I have had on a few occasions. a supernatural breech of enjoyment. One being the chair I was sitting in was kicked or hit hard while doing so. No one had been near me for a good length, meaning all by myself for sure. Another time being a sharp pain in my side being well into the act. The pain came from an outside source, feeling it stab through skin to desired painful location. Again, no one was around in any human form. So needless to say I am terrified to masterbate anymore.
    Here I am looking it up now on the procedure to do it now without sin. If thats even possible. I would like to take what is being said here and the debate as means to go for it. That if one conclusion cannot be made on this, I am innocent for trying it again. If no one knows, how am I supposed to know right? Well, I can’t say what is but I can further confuse any reader and myself. I am having painful prostate problems I will be medically looking into very soon. My belly is hard as a rock and swollen. I feel bloated and pain that is growing in strength everyday. When researching this, I found that in many cases of what I could have relied on ejaculation as one diagnostic tool. Heres the thing, I am hard headed and it may have taken an act of God to stop me from type Cing myself. Two, I believe in that all good is from the Trinity, as all bad is from demons and devils etc. This includes health issues and including mental ones. So may have this been an act of the Holy Spirit then I will stop. If it is the other side, doing it to cause problems down there as it is, they could be fooling me. Fooling me into thinking its God’s will I discontinue the act of masterbation. Though it is true I did it way more than needed. I have been doing fine for months without it and began to see the world in the light. Some days harder than others but for the most part pretty easy. Easy because I am scared to, maybe. I went for it one more time after the last encounter and in mid stroke, decided to resist. I had no real purpose at that point.
    Now I do have a purpose and admit to wanting to lust in the act. Otherwise to treat it as a “bodily function” I will focus more on the pain. I think, maybe if I do it fast to get the action of out of the way, it’ll be better than making it last for self pleasure. My head goes on and on but the pain is real. To be honest, I have no real want to right now. I haven’t for quite a while now and have been great. I just know what it has been to me and am afraid of one thing. Me doing it again may be such a “middle finger” to God, I would be judged then. Maybe he would turn his back on me. This is due to the last experiences being interveined by what I have mentioned above. Is it him telling me to stop before its too late?
    My fantasies were worsening for my pleasure would numb. Staying in one field of pleasure would not satisfy me. This I understood is bad and the thoughts and fantasies in my head, as well as pornography, were and r bad. Another factor is I, for the most part, do not even like a penis in my fantasies. Not mine, not even in the movies I have watched. Purely lesbian and I having nothing to do with it. Its been that way for most of the time I can remember. Now, if that stems from an inner problem so be it. I have yet to be distant or w/e from my fiance when we had a healthy sexual relationship. We knew our type C time was singular time and us time was just that. I bring you to my final thought. If our focus is on God, should we not wait for his understanding on this? Should I not endure the pain and seek medical attention in the mean time? Will I have a better understanding of why I am suffering that will deepen my relationship with God? I DO BELIEVE SO! BUUUUT! Will they ask me to ejaculate into a cup at this appointment? The answer is more than likely YES! Really this is going to be hard to do. I cannot self pleasure without Type Cing otherwise its my penis I am dealing with. Again, not a big fan of it or anyone else’s. So I am in a bind, one that only the Trinity can untie. So, if all goes to plan, I will wait for either way I am in his grace.

  24. Hi, i have a friend who is a girl. she says she masterbates to relieve stress. She says she does not think lustful thoughts while doing it, she just focuses on doing it. she says she enjoys doing it and she hinted that she might not be able to stop if she wanted to, she is not married she is just a teenager. I am wondering what are some biblical verses that address this and how you think i should present the points to her,

    • In a previous article, I talk some about the questions we have to ask ourselves about our masturbation habits. I suggest you read that.

      I think we do ourselves and our friends a disservice when we have only one way to categorize our behavior: moral vs. immoral (right vs. wrong). The Bible gives us more than this, however. Our behaviors can also fit into the category of wise vs. unwise.

      Paul brings this point out in his first letter to the Corinthians: “’All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). Paul is saying there are things that can be considered “lawful” (i.e. not immoral), but still unhelpful or even potentially enslaving.

      We might put the drinking of alcohol, for instance, into the wise/unwise category. The Bible clearly says drunkenness is immoral (Deuteronomy 21:20; Proverbs 23:29-35; Isaiah 5:11-12,22; Hosea 4:10-11; Amos 6:4-7; 1 Peter 4:1-5), but wine and other fermented drinks are also repeatedly called divine blessings, meant to be enjoyed (Deuteronomy 7:13; 14:26; Psalm 104:14-15; Isaiah 24:6; Hosea 9:2; Joel 1:10; Amos 5:11; Luke 7:33-34; John 2:6-11; 1 Timothy 5:23). And in cases where drunkenness is not a problem, wisdom steps in and asks, “Drinking is lawful for me, but in what cases is it unhelpful or in what cases does it bring me under its power?”

      When we ask if we are “under the power” of masturbation, we need to ask a couple questions: (1) Am I developing an enslaving habit? and (2) Am I developing an enslaving mindset about my sexuality? The first question relates more to the compulsive need one might feel to masturbate. The second question relates our attitude about sexuality: is it something meant for my personal pleasure or something meant to draw me close to another human being?

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