Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage After Pornography
by Fred Stoeker
If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
Trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
- Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution, if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe, and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the porn filters, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
. . . .
Fred Stoeker is the co-author of several books, including Every Man’s Battle and Every Young Man’s Battle. Fred and his wife Brenda also wrote Every Heart Restored, a book designed to help wives restore their hearts for their husbands in the wake of sexual sin. Fred is no stranger to pornography temptations and what they can do to a marriage. After stumbling upon his father’s Playboy magazine under his Dad’s bed in first grade, Fred struggled with pornographic materials for the next twenty years or so. Through his books Fred brings the years of practical wisdom he learned about overcoming lust and restoring broken trust.
69 Responses to Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage After Pornography
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I know that my husband has been into internet porn more than once and it isn’t something that you just STOP! We have been having marriage troubles for a while and have only been married 6 1/2 years. He and I do not have an intimate relationship for the last 2 years..he hasn’t had a want, when asked why he has been on there he says cause you were not home. When I am home nothing happens..get that
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He has not looked at porn in 4 years, that I know of, but I am afraid to let my trust down. How can I trust again. He is always home, so how can I trust him when he is not?
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….sorry, but my first post accidentally posted without being finished….here is the finish….what I’m saying is that once your husband is trustworthy again, which he seems to be, then it is your job to trust again. To have faith. To believe. As Brenda and I said in Every Heart Restored, often times the husband is the original problem, but then when he repents and becomes trustworthy, the wife becomes more of the problem to rebuilding because she won’t forgive and won’t trust again. God is clear in scripture that repentance needs to be treated with forgiveness. I would recommend the book Believing God, by Beth Moore, to help you strengthen yourself in God enough to be able to let go of your fear and unforgiveness. Fear and unforgiveness are very difficult sometimes, and Beth Moore will be very helpful to you as someone with good truth to come alongside you in this and to help you face the future with faith and trust.
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I knew my husband used to have a problem with pornography; he was honest with me about this before we even dated. My impression, however, was that it USED to be a problem. He never looked at porn while we dated but two weeks after we got married he admitted to me that he was looking at internet porn from work! My husband has been very honest, to my knowledge, everytime he has looked at pornographic images, and most of the time he volunteers the information without me asking him, knowing how bad it will hurt me again and the risk it poses on the marriage. He seems to be doing better and I know he is sincere in his desire to stop, but what can I do to encourage him when I still hurt so bad? How can I feel better about myself again? Trust isn’t the hardest thing for me because he has been honest, but our sex life is suffering because I feel so ugly. What can I do?
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@Stephanie – Thanks for your question. I can’t tell you how many women have expressed similar sentiments on this blog over the years. I won’t try to pretend I have a great understanding of how you feel. One of our regular authors, Ashley, has written on this subject from a personal perspective many times. In one of her articles, “Am I Beautiful Enough for Him?” she talks about she learned to overcome the feelings of insecurity. In another one, “Sex After Porn,” she talks about the conflicting emotions around making love when struggling with insecurity.
From a man’s perspective, I will say porn and sexual media in general have a powerful influence over a man’s mind. Porn trains men to understand beauty differently. But more than this, it trains the mind by eroticizing power and objectification. When a man looks at porn online, he has complete control of the experience: he can search for whatever he wants, see whatever he wants, see how much he wants, and fill his mind with all kinds of sensual novelty. No woman can really compete with this, because she’s not competing with merely a sexual experience, but with a fantasy experience. This is why even “picture perfect” celebrities have husbands who are addicted to porn: because these men are training their minds on fantasy, not reality.
With that said, your husband’s mind can also be retrained. As you build new experiences of intimacy (not just sexuality), you begin to build a new foundation of love, respect, and passion.
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It;s been almost 3 years since I caugh tnmy husband in all his lies about porn. It has destroyed me in so many ways. Yes we are still together, because I love him. But in all honesty, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry, feel betrayed, feel stupid and naive, feel sad, feel he had a choice an dhis choice wae not me. I have always felt that in any kind of relationship, the 3 most importnat things are Love, Trust and Respect. Once one of them crumbles so will the other two and the realtionship will be hurt. I cannot ever trust my husband again. I belived in him totally and that can no longer be. Once your marriage falls apart you can glue it back together but the porcelian will not be the same.
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Lulu- I feel exactly like you do. I will be staying with my husband, but I feel confident that I will never be the same again. I will never regain the trust. I will hang on until the kids are old enough. I have 11 years until I am 50. No man wants to have sex with a 50 year old-ever. I’ll hang in there until then.
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Dear Lulu,
Linda’s response is completely false on one point….good husbands do ABSOLUTELY want sex with a fifty-year-old woman…I sure do. Brenda, my wife, is fifty, and our sex-life is as awesome and as exciting as it was twenty years ago and thirty years ago. God intended it to be so. Scripture is clear on that, and we can’t change our theology based upon our experiences. Our theology has to be based upon Scripture. The reason it doesn’t happen that way as often as it should is that men don’t guard their eyes and commit to God’s plan in this. Therefore, their tastes in women don’t change as they age, as God created it to be. Because I have committed to God’s ways, my tastes have changed and Brenda’s “fuller” body shape is every bit as exciting as it ever was before four kids. The answer is not in settling or holding on until you can divorce later. The answer is for your husband to committ to God’s ways and for you both to grow closer to Him together.
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Lulu & Linda,
Please don’t give up hope or “just” settle. You’re right, the porcelian won’t be the same, it will be so much better & stronger & more beautiful than before! I know from personal experience that if both of you are focusing on God, then your marriage will begin to blossom. Even if your husbands are not willing to change, YOU can. If you’re going to remain in the marriage than please, don’t just “get” through it. Instead, fight like a wildcat! Work on looking to God for your everything & have no expectacions of anyone else. Pray every day for your husbands! Pray that God would allow you to see them through His eyes! Pray that he would give you an unconditional love for your husband & the strength & patience you need to endure this trial. Are you going to allow God to refine you through this trial or are you going to allow Satan to destroy you? It is a choice. You don’t have to trust in your husband but you can trust in God. He created you, he DIED for you! Don’t you think you can trust Him? I pray that you do.
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Well, this is all so new and raw for me. I was quick to forgive because I am sad for him as well as me. It must be horrible to carry around the shame and guilt of sexual sin. He knew how bad it hurt me but continued to view it. I was sad, depressed and felt like I could never be what he wanted. I resorted to plastic surgery to feel better about myself, am constantly on a diet, and never look good enough. He tells me I am beautiful and I turn him on. Still, I can’t help but think that he is imagining the other girls he has seen. I prayed and prayed and fasted until God showed me that my husband truly is sorry and remorseful. Then I prayed that the shame wouldn’t turn to condemnation, but to conviction. The Lord is faithful and forgiving and restores everything back to it’s original created goodness. As much as it hurt to hear, I needed complete open honest communication with my husband. I am thanking God right now that he gave me such an awesome man to do this for me. I am healing a bit at a time and it’s only when I dwell on what I found that I fall back into the sadness. I hate sin and what Satan has done to corrupt and pervert intimacy. A verse comes to mind when I fall back into the trap of believing the lies. Forgive much because you have been forgiven much. Trust on the other hand is coming more slowly. I have to stop myself from checking the browsing history. First, I pray and trust God that he is working on my husband, then I trust my husband that he has repented. Sigh….why am I us so late reading this blog? Because it takes time to heal. Thank you for this site.
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Angela, you have an awesome heart and attitude, my friend. Proud to all you my sister in Christ!
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When we were dating/courting my husband told me that he had struggled with porn. (I had told him all of my sins first because I knew if our relationship was going to go anywhere then I needed to get this out of the way, and I didn’t want to marry him and always feel like if he really knew me/ what I had done then he wouldn’t have married me. And I felt that one of the foundations for marriage should be complete honesty.) A few weeks before the wedding he admitted that he had looked at porn one night, he said it was because he was desiring me. (We were both virgins when we married.) And I was troubled but I forgave him and dismissed it because I just knew that when we got married he wouldn’t have to look elsewhere. Because I believed I would be able to meet every sexual need that he had. It was my job as a wife and I have a strong drive myself. So we got married and several months later we found out that I was pregnant. I was very fit before but after I became pregnant I gained like 50 lbs total. But we still
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I don’t think it posted my whole story so I will break it down. After I was married I found out my husband had viewed porn and had been flirting/chatting with women online. I felt humiliated, angry and betrayed. It happened over a year ago and he’s been clean since. I love him, respect him, make love to him & I do my best to trust him. But I know that I don’t trust him fully. I worry about him everyday even though I try not to. I know that I am somehow holding back a piece of myself (because I am afaid of getting hurt again) but I don’t know how to give it back to him? Why can’t I be the happy lighthearted sweet smiling girl I was before? What should I do? Please respond…
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Dear Sue,
This is tough, because broken trust is hard to rebuild, and for some temperaments, it can seem very difficult to let go of the past. My first suggestion is to read my wife’s two books, called Every Heart Restored and also The Healing Choice. These books will really help you understand what is behind his sexual sin, and will help you deal with the emotions and rebuild trust. The knowledge regarding male sexuality in these books will enable you to see these sins in a new light, perhaps. Given the fact that you are honest and that you have a bit of a sinful past of your own, I believe this knowledge will really help you to put his sin into a new perspective, which will help you build trust by helping you understand exactly what is behind the sin (Books are at http://www.fredstoeker.com). My second thought is that it might be useful to be part of a small group where you can talk these feelings out and get suggestions from other women in your situation. We are associated with Avenue, founded by Susan and Clay Allen. Susan and Clay specialize in helping women set up small groups across the nation, but best of all, they have an 800-number “small group” format where you can do “small group” connection with women by phone, once a week or however it makes sense to set it up. You may not know anyone in your situation, but they do, and they can connect you. Their organization is awesome, and many readers have become part of these groups and have been helped. Let her know I told you to contact her. Susan’s email address is: SusanAllen@AvenueResource.com Her website is: http://www.avenueresource.com/
Third, I would say that the key path for you will be to focus more about getting closer to the Lord than to focus on getting more trust in your husband, and that is especially where The Healing Choice can help. Brenda talks a lot about rebuilding trust in God in that book, which helps in every other area of trust in our lives. Trusting God more will help you trust your husband more, in our experience and, frankly, building a deeper prayer and worship life with your husband will be key to that. Especially singing together. As you see him growing in the Lord, it will be easier and easier to trust that he won’t stumble again, because you’ll see that his identity is so tightly tied to Christ that you’ll know that he simply won’t do it again. Brenda knows where I will go and where I won’t go when I’m alone. She knows it for a fact, because of our spiritual connection and because of my habits tied to that. If you can build this same kind of connection, this will have great impact upon your trust.
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Thank you very much Mr. Stoeker! I don’t know anybody in my situation and I felt to talk about our situation to people we know (even our senior couples/friends) would bring dishonor and shame to my husband and put him in a negative light with them from now on. I needed answers and prayed that God would show me something, and I believe that He led me to this site. God is so good to me! So thanks again!
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I have been looking at porn on and off for the 12 years of our marriage. I have showed my wife little to no intimacy and have had sex less than once every year or so….I was able to ‘hide’ it for years until last night when she found out. I am now in a hotel and have no idea how things got this bad. I have 2 kids and they are crushed. My whole life is destroyed and I feel so sick inside. She says it is over as I lied for years to her about not knowing why I was not affectionate towards her…..when all along I was viewing porn. I would do anything to have things the way they were when we first met without the porn problem. What do I do to hold onto my family and marriage? I feel lost.
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Dear Randy,
When you are at the bottom like this, my friend, it is pretty normal to feel lost and confused. But there is a way out of this mess. I’ve written two books that I think will be very helpful for you in getting a handle on where you are at. One is called Every Man’s Battle, and that will give you a practical start in getting control of you eyes and your thoughts. The second is called Tactics, and it will help you with the spiritual side of this battle, and will help you understand the emotional pain that drives you to sexual sin, a key understanding. I would point out to take special notice of Chapter 14, and apply what I’ve said their. Just reading the books alone won’t help. But if you actually apply the suggestions and practical steps, they will set you free, because they are Biblical and true. You will simply have to stand up and fight. Your wife will need to read Every Heart Restored and The Healing Choice, both written by my wife Brenda Stoeker. It will give her a perspective on this sin that will ease her emotional pain and will, hopefully, help her move from judgement to mercy in her relationship to you. Hopefully, she will choose to stand up to your side, shoulder to shoulder, to help you fight on to victory. But even if she doesn’t, you can win this if you set your heart on God and set your heart on His principles. It will require changes in you, and a new way of living and a new mindset towards your sexuality. But that will come as you read the books and get closer to God. Don’t give up hope now. A new dawn is rising in your life. This is the moment God has been waiting for, the moment where you have come to the end of yourself and the moment you are ready to turn to Him for help. He will help as you step up to engage the battle. Watch for His work in your life. It’ll be there, and that’s a promise. God’s promise.
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After 8 months of marriage I finally found what was distancing my new husband from me. I was absolutely crushed..it took a while but I finally got back on my feet. I prayed everyday that I wouldn’t judge him and show him as much mercy as the Lord has shown me. Just as I was feeling a new miniscule, but important, amount of trust again, I found things in his email outbox from a few weeks before we got married. More pictures, but this time, a “friend” of his that I had trusted. I am devastated. The pain is here all over again but this time I’m furious. I know it was about 9 months ago, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I feel so close to my breaking point. If it weren’t for the Lord sustaining me I would have already left my husband. How will I ever trust him again..
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Dear Jules,
Our hearts ache for you, my friend.
In answer to your question, my wife Brenda, who co-wrote Every Heart Restored with me, always says that a woman in your situation always must begin with educating herself about male sexuality. When a broken wife looks at her situation through the eyes of female sexuality, it is overwhelming and it takes on a meaning that isn’t always accurate, because female sexuality is so different from male sexuality. Every Heart Restored has a nine-chapter section on male sexuality that is very detailed and helpful in this regard, and it can help you move from judgment to mercy. It is doubtful you can ever trust him again until you understand male sexuality more clearly, especially in light of what he has done, which we agree is completely and utterly wrong and indefensible. Still, an understanding of male sexuality will give you a clearer picture of what is behind it all and keep you filtering your pain and emotions properly.
Brenda says that the second step is to get closer to the Heavenly Father and to Jesus Christ than ever before. We have a motto around our house….”never waste a crisis.” What we mean by that is that as long as we are going through an “unintended journey” through a great mess like this, we might as well (1) allow God to use it for our good and (2) allow it to drive us to a deeper walk and connection with Him. How do you do that? In Brenda’s book “The Healing Choice,” Brenda spends a number of chapters teaching readers, through very practical, easy-to-take steps, how to get closer to God than ever before in the midst of a crisis. When a crisis hits, we need to know exactly how to dig in to get closer to God. Brenda has much experience in responding to unintended journeys, and has a lot to say that is very valuable.
Brenda says that the third step is to be walked through the range of emotions that you are going through and that you will be going through by someone who has been there before. Her friend, Susan Allen, wrote “The Healing Choice Guidebook,” which will help walk you through that emotional journey towards a healing of your heart.
You will have to take an active role in the healing process, which is no fun to hear, because often in a crisis like this all we want to do is sit in a corner and sit appalled in disbelief, and to wonder how this ever happened to us, and to ask ourselves, “When will this awful feeling ever go away?” If you want it to go away, you need to stand up and take the three steps above and take control of your heart and your connection with God as best you can. It isn’t easy, but very possible.
From a husband’s point of view, I would also suggest that you have your husband read “Every Man’s Battle” and “Tactics” to learn how to beat this sin in his life. He should also read “Every Heart Restored,” so that he can get a feel for exactly what he has done to your heart. Hopefully, these steps will get you both on a new journey, an intended journey, one that takes you both closer to the Lord and His ways as a couple.
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Bravo, Fred, for your wisdom here in the article and in the following comments! God has given you much insight and grace to share to those of us hurting from sexual sin. Thank you for your encouragement to continue to be open and honest, patient, and consistently faithful in my actions.
I began my recovery 4 months ago, and most days have been hard and rocky. God’s given me a great support network in a licensed counselor specializing in sex addiction, new friends and accountability partners in my Celebrate Recovery group, and several resources to work through. I hear familiar words in the comments of the wives above. My wife and I are still working through this, and we still have those hard, tense conversations. I know years of work are ahead of us.
Thanks, too, to Covenant Eyes for this blog and their accountability software. The software has been one tool I can use to help reassure my wife.
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@Jon – Thanks for stopping by. Hope you find more of our articles helpful!
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i have been married for 25 yrs. we married when I was pregnant and have struggled much of our marriage. in the early years I had problems with my self, wanting more of my husbands attention and I often blamed it on the fact that I felt he had to marry me or I had to marry him. we both got save and grew after we married and grew at different times in our marriage. most of our marriage i just felt like i wasn’t attractive, when we were having kids, i thought it was because i was pregnant, my husband didn’t seem to be attracted to that pregnant figure. I seemed to intiate sex most of the time, meaning like 90+% of the time. at one point I found a magazine, being naive I brought it in and asked him if this is what he liked? he was embarrassed and then I never saw it again. then years later with the advent of the internet in every home, and the relationship coming to divorcing when the kids moved out and me be tempted outside the home by men that were giving me more attention than he did. God intervened. my husband early on used to tell me I was being too needy and pushed me away. So I took antidepressants and learned to not be so needy filling my time and self esteem with work. whatever work I did it was too much and I would always have to quit because he wanted me to spend more time with him. but then he would be short and critical or busy when I was home or around and then I would feel lonely and needy. he doesn’t show me much affection, Finally a friend confronted him on the pornography and then everythiing got better for a while he went though setting captives free. life got better and then we drifted again. scott did not stay accountable or active. I did trust him. then we were having more marital problems and I was working too much again and then i found the pornography on the internet again. the intimacy is only when i initiate it. I think he touches the cat more than me. I am an attractive woman, not perfect but okay. i enjoy sex with him. I just don;t feel close to him, I don’t feel loved. I want to have a good relationship. I want to meet his needs and I want to feel loved and cherished by my husband. I am hurting and don’t know what to do.
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Dear Jenni,
It isn’t easy to know what to do in a situation like this, and I’m not going to pretend that I can give you a simple answer here. I can say a few things here that are important, however. If a husband isn’t interested in sex or initiating it, it almost always means he is into porn. And, since a man’s native language of passing intimacy is sexual, and since your husband is spending much of his sex drive on porn outside of the marriage bed, he isn’t going to be communicating much in the way of intimacy with you. He is most likely addicted, and probably deeply wounded somewhere in his past, a wound that keeps him hiding in this safe place, a place of sexual cyberspace where no one ever says no and where no one ever demands anything of him, where no one ever requires him to risk anything interpersonally.
The fastest way to help you get more intimacy and to feel more from him is to help him heal from whatever that is, and to help him step out of that cocoon he’s built for himself. My book “Tactics” would be a good one for you to read to better understand how wounds can draw men into sexual sin and into safe, non-threatening places in their lives. My book “Every Man’s Marriage” would help you understand what true male leadership in marriage is to look like, since by now it may be tough to even know what that is supposed to look like in a healthy marriage.
Once you have read these, my thought is that it will help you discuss these things with him more effectively, and may help you to get him to read the books himself, along with you. You can help him understand what is behind all this, and hopefully get a non-threatening discussion going where he can admit he’s wrong and that he needs to get some counseling help. You haven’t caused any of this. But you can be a big part of helping him get free. Obviously, “Setting Captives Free” wasn’t enough because he can’t seem to carry this in his own strength. You can help carry your brother’s burden and can help him take what he learned there, and then what you both learn in my books, and then you can keep those truths active and applicable in his life and in your marriage, together.
This isn’t at all hopeless, unless you both decide that you can’t team up here. As long as you are teaming up, you can pull this mess out of the fire and put your marriage on stable ground. God is certainly with you on that score, and will be active at your side.
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I’ve been married for almost a year now and 2 nights ago I caught him watching porn.I’ve had problems with it before and he apologizes and say it will stop and I thought it had.We recently got cell phones with the internet on them and thats how he’s been watching it I guess.What hurts is that before I caught him, he had put me to bed and told me he love and was like he was going to watch tv in the family room for awhile.Hours had passed and he still wasnt in bed,the tv was down really low,so i got up to see what he was doing.Anyway,I caught him looking at it in his phone.Once i asked him about it, he became so defensive and almost angry that i had caught him.My feelings are just so…..hurt and my trust for him is gone. Im pregnant at the moment so i’ve been super emotional these past few days.Its scary to feel like he’s lusting after other women and maybe that would somehow lead him to cheat on me in the near future.I hate having to wonder now what he’s doing while im not around because I know in my heart that he will bold face lie to me….I’m just really scared for my relationship right now.I pray that God mend my broken heart.
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Dear Nia,
You didn’t say whether your husband is a Christian or not. If he is, it would be good to insist that he read both “Every Man’s Battle” (which teaches how to control the eyes) and “Tactics” (which teaches a man why his emotions drive him to sexual sin). Both are written by me, Fred Stoeker.
You see, this is not an issue with you or about you, Nia. It isn’t about how you look or whether you are enough for him. This is about HIS sin and HIS choices and HIS addiction, and how he has been choosing to deal with the stress and pain in his life for years. He surely had this sin in his life long before he met you, so it isn’t really about you. It is about him. So, he needs to address this and attack this and admit that it is wrong.
Of course, as his wife, you can be his helpmate in this situation and help prod and push him to a higher level of Christian walk, if you choose to. After finding out about this addiction in him, you can feel broken and victimized and feel confused as to what to do next. You can feel paralyzed. But you need to push through that and, in a sense, get angry. The enemy is trying to steal your husband and family. You need to rise up and refuse to let that happen, and fight for your marriage and future with your husband. Refuse to let this stand.
I recommend that you get three resources:
Every Heart Restored, written by Fred and Brenda Stoeker
The Healing Choice, written by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen
The Healing Choice Guidebook, written by Susan Allen
These resources will help you (1) heal and (2) will give you guidance as to how to fight for your marriage. Don’t allow yourself to be victimized. Stand up and fight. There is a baby that is counting on you.
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There is no real hope for men with porn probems. My husband has looked at porn his whole life and has lied about it and other things his whole life. I never knew porn was a problem until after we were married and honestly if I would have known who he really was I would not have married him. He is fearful, cowardly, spiteful, mean and insecure. He lies and makes no real changes. He says he’ll change, he’s gone to counseling but does nothing on his own. He doesn’t follow through with books, reading, behavior changes. He doesn’t share emotions, lustful thoughts or feelings or things that happen with women during the day. My life has stopped because because I’m constantly preparing for his day, what he’s doing, what we need to talk about and offering “support”. There is no support that this type of man can get from anyone. He is weak and selfish and full of excuses. This has been going on for 5.5 years and we have been in counseling for 3 years. Unfortunately, no more books or counseling can help this man. He is to scared to make any real changes. I thought he would be a good husband because he was kind, but who he is to the real world is very different than how he is in “dark.” My husband is a Christian and we go to church. It’s all for show with him though. He hasn’t made any changes in his heart though because his behavior never changes. He never discusses it or shows any initiative. He only does what other people tell him to do to just appease him. I though he just needed to grow up or grow out of it but he’s 34 and years of marriage now. During and after counseling he looked at porn and even did it as recently as 4 months ago. I saw porn on the computer after we go back from church. He denied it was him until 1:00 AM in the morning. He has showed me over and over that he is not trustworthy and I would be a fool to trust him.
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Dear Florida,
You began with this statement: “There is no real hope for men with porn probems.” That is a very normal response from someone in pain, and especially from someone who is married to a man who likely isn’t Christian at all (judging from your own statement that there is no fruit in his life and judging from Christ’s statement that we will know His followers by their fruit). Without God’s indwelling presence, perhaps you are right–there is no real hope. After all, your husband is showing no signs of repentance that might lead to hope. But to say that “there is no real hope for ANY man with porn problems” is to deny Christ and His truth. Christ promises that men can do all things through Him, as He strengthens them, and that includes changing men who are stuck in porn. That is not only true in theory, Biblically, but it is also true in practice. It has been over twenty years since I’ve looked at porn, and it has, in fact, been over twenty years since I’ve even surfed the channels to find sensual shows or surfed the web to find sensual imagery or pictures. My wife has told me recently that for years she’s been watching what my eyes do when hot billboards or joggers or girls in bikinis appear in my path, and she has never once caught me in over twenty years doing anything but what a Christian man should do in those situations….look away. If you say that “there is no real hope for men with porn probems,” what do you do with MY testimony? What do you do with the hundreds of testimonies I receive in emails from men every year who are experiencing victory after reading my books? If your husband were to first get serious with God and then read books like “Every Man’s Battle” and “Tactics,” he could definitely change and there would be great hope. Furthermore, as you would read my wife Brenda’s two books, “Every Heart Restored,” “The Healing Choice”, and work through “The Healing Choice Guidebook” by Susan Allen, and then join one of Susan’small groups over the phone, you would be able to get the help and support you need to help guide your husband back into truth and freedom. There is always hope for every man stuck in porn, if he gets serious with God and serious with himself. There is always hope for every wife who turns to the Lord for healing.
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I married right after my 20th birthday and have now been married for 24 1/2 years to someone who didn’t exist. Everything I thought he was I found out to be a lie. I asked if porn was a problem before we married due to background- wouldn’t have married him if he’d been honest and he knew that. He’s now getting help and we’re in counseling, but only because he got caught. I know he’s really trying to save our marrage but I see little hope. It’s not like I can enjoy a movie or even go to a store with him on date night(omg the lingerie dept., the magazines……). Trust was always my most important requirement and it’s no where on the radar. The paranoia is driving me crazy! We can’t live in a cave and I know I can’t control him, I’d just be happy to emotionally disengage. Even if he is trying, I’m a major mess and not a positive help right now. How do I let go enough to let him regain the trust he wants? Is it worth it? If he can’t lose the porn problem I don’t want to heal only to call the marriage over in 6 months or 3 years later. It would be easier to get it over now. The children (ten total, ages 23-3) may not know the details but they know it’s strained, we’re getting help and it’s taking a toll on them too. He expects me to support and help him; I’m struggling just trying to breath. The honest, principled, highly moral Christian I thought he was never existed and I’m finding little to connect with.
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It isn’t easy to find our that your whole marriage has been a lie. My wife and I talk extensively about that in our book Every Heart Restored. And restoring trust is impossible until he becomes trustworthy again. You can only trust someone who is trustworthy. Once they’ve been untrustworthy, they have a lot of hard work to do in order to become trustworthy in your eyes, as the wife. And there is no way for a husband to rush that process. He has to focus on himself only, and focus on retraining his mind and heart when it comes to the sensuality in his environment. That is the key to rebuilding trust. Then you WILL be able to see a movie or go to a store without those feelings. has been over twenty years since I’ve looked at porn, and it has, in fact, been over twenty years since I’ve even surfed the channels to find sensual shows or surfed the web to find sensual imagery or pictures. My wife has told me recently that for years she’s been watching what my eyes do when hot billboards or joggers or girls in bikinis appear in my path, and she has never once caught me in over twenty years doing anything but what a Christian man should do in those situations….look away. So, I’m trustworthy. Brenda said it this way in Every Heart Restored: “I feel incredible security knowing that I’m married to a man who keeps his eyes to himself. Even after four babies and twenty-four years of aging together, I live unthreatened by any women around me. Fred loves me for me and is very satisfied with who I am and what I’ve become.
When my husband prays, I’m confident that nothing is hindering his connection with God. If I knew of dark hidden areas, I’d have no faith that his prayers would even rise to the ceiling, but I’ve seen how a pure man’s prayer packs a spiritual punch.
My confidence in Fred’s spiritual protection is unbounded. I never wonder if there are open cracks in our spiritual defenses where the Enemy can slip through into our lives. Christianity is not a game to him, and image means nothing. He’d rather be a Christian than seem like one.
Fred has every right to make the decisions for our family because it’s God’s plan, but even if it weren’t, he’s earned that right through his actions. He’s proven in battle that his commitment to the Lord and his love for his family are the highest priorities in his life, and we simply rest in his strength.
This normal, godly pattern leaves everyone flourishing, and this wouldn’t be possible if blatant sin were clogging things up. I know who he is, and, in the secret places of life, I know where he will not go in his mind or with his eyes.”
If your husband becomes trustworthy, you can have this, and the paranoia will be gone and you will be able to have a normal life of date nights and shopping and everything else. But two questions have to be answered: (1) Will your husband crucify this sin in his life and (2) Will you stand with him as he fights for victory and will you still be with him at his side to celebrate that victory? In other words, will he be trustworthy in the midst of this mess? And if he is, will you be trustworthy and will you still be there? Neither question is any more important than they other. There are ten children whose eyes are glued on this situation and your husband’s decisions and your decisions will determine how they view men, women, and marriage for the next decades stretching out before them. There is a lot riding on all this. None of this is easy. I’m just saying that if your husband is really working on this, going to counseling, reading books like “Every Man’s Battle” and “Tactics”, and getting serious with God, then there is great hope. Don’t be impatient with yourself. There is no rush here to “trust him.” You won’t have to live in a cave. You won’t have to control him. Eventually, he’ll learn to control himself, right out there in the great big wide-open world.
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I have been married to a fantastic christian woman for 17yrs now and we have 3 beautiful daughters together. I have struggled with pornography most of my life. I finally realized about 8-10 yrs ago that this was an issue.Through out this time, I have confessed numerous times to my wife about it but never sot out help regarding it, even though I had said I would. 2 1/2 weeks ago, I finally confessed once again to my wife about my struggles with using pornography, and she has asked me to move out and get help. I feel at a total loss. Since then, I am now seeing our pastor once a week, as well as another man who has been in a program similar to alcoholics anonymous but for porn once a week. I have also downloaded the program X3watch onto our computers including my work computer and have asked my best friend as well as my employer to be be my accountability partners in this. I have also read your book everyman’s battle and have ordered everyman’s marriage. I have been reading a few other books on building relationships within couples as well. I have also been researching rebuilding a marriage after infidelity online. And most importantly, I have been praying and recommitting my life to God. I understand that all of this is late in the game and I have hurt my wife dearly as well as shattered any trust that was there. She has recently told me that she doesn’t love me and isn’t sure she wants to try to work this out. I love my wife dearly and I want to reconcile our marriage, I am just not sure if she wants to and it scares me. I am willing to do what ever it takes to win her back but I am not getting any positive response back. I believe that she is still really mad and hurt and these lack of responses are her way of letting me know. I accept ALL responsibility for my actions or lack of. She is not being mean in her actions towards me and says I can still come over every couple of days for supper (for the kids). We can still sit and talk about stuff but she does not want to talk about us. How do I talk to her about seeking forgiveness? Is it still too early? Is there anything else I can do to show her I am making an effort to beat this thing? Should we seek counseling together? What can I do to earn back her trust?
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Sometimes it can take awhile for a wife to respond. The most important thing she is going to need to see from you right now is change, not in your words, but in your actions. Books like my “Every Man’s Marriage” would be very good for you right now, as well as the ones on purity. My book Tactics talks about the spiritual side of the battle for purity, which is also critical for you. Chapters 13-15, and especially Chapter 14, will be life changing in your relationship and intimacy with God, and this can help you put the sin to rest. You sound very motivated, and that is the key. As for your thoughts on broaching forgiveness, I doubt if your wife has a forgiveness issue. It is more likely that she has a trust issue. You’ve shattered her trust. Crushed her heart and her dreams. The funny thing about trust is that she can’t do it alone. She can’t just decide to trust you, so there is no way for you to rush her in this, to rush her to choose to trust. Nothing you can SAY is going to compel her to trust you. The only thing you can DO to help her trust is to become trustworthy. If you become trustWORTHY, she can risk trust again. So continue on the great path of healing that you are on, and become trustworthy. God will do the rest, according to His grace.
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I’ve been married for 13 years and last November I found pornography on our computer. In a flash, I knew why we had the “same fight” over and over. You see, my husband would not initiate sexual intimacy. I had to ask and he would make promises and then continue to show no love. Oh, I was okay to hold hands with, cuddle and give back rubs to but if I wanted more or was led to believe there was more a fight was likely to happen. There were no gifts given to me for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines. On our 3rd wedding night he told me that we did not have to have sex that night. I was crushed from the beginning. He spent the first 6 months of our marriage saying he didn’t understand that I wanted intimacy–hmmm I was naked for him or I was physically stroking him. Then it became worse as I knew something was very different. Now I know he started with the porn. He has said that there have been times, even a couple of years, when he hasn’t looked at it. His behavior never changed while viewing or not viewing. Well, I guess he was more cruel while hooked on the stuff. Now he is doing EMB, going to counseling and we are reading Every Man’s Marriage and Every Heart Restored. Yet almost weekly he still rejects me physically. How can I ever trust him when he promises to do better yet does the same thing week after week? He “found” God again but I don’t believe he even knows how to fear God. Lying, blaming and meanness are not fruits of the spirit. We met at seminary and were preparing to be missionaries but I’ve only watched him be religious when appropriate and then selfish when he wants to. I’m so tired of holding his feet to the iron and being treated harshly once again–as far as I know he isn’t looking at porn but what hope do I really have because he has always treated me with contempt while thinking he “really loves” me. I’m strong on my own now since EHR and counseling. I am worth so much more and I’m sure my heavenly Father is not pleased. We have 4 children so whatever action I take does not only affect me. How long can this go on? What are some things I can do while waiting for him to grow up?
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It is very difficult to give advice on something like this beyond generalities because I just don’t know enough about your situation, although you shared enough to make it clear what is going on. I will just say a couple of things. First of all, your husband has a problem with intimacy with you, that’s true. But what seems clearer to me here is that he has a HUGE problem with intimacy with God. Because of that, he can be spiritual when he has to be, but not spiritual when he doesn’t want to be. That connection with God would keep that from happening. In my book Tactics, there are important truths that would help him connect with God, if he woudl do them. Chapters 13-15 would be especially important, and Chapter 14, especially. Chapter 14 teaches things that you and your husband could actually do together, and it would help your intimacy and oneness, as well. I think that you should read Tactics, as well, as I think it might open your eyes to the connection between “intimacy with God” and porn and masturbation. It would be very helpful. My wife Brenda also suggests that you might connect with Susan Allen’s ministry, called Avenue. Susan co-wrote The Healing Choice and The Healing Choice Guidebook with Brenda, and Avenue connects women in your situation with weekly small group discussions/support, either in your area or by 800-number conference calls. It is very effective, and Brenda thinks that in a frustrating situation like yours, that this would be very helpful to you. You can read the books and work through the Guidebook on your own, but the small group discussions can be extremely helpful.The best contact info for Susan’s organization is:
women@avenueresource.com
877-326-7000 toll free
This email address goes directly to Susan’s volunteers teams. These are “alumni facilitators” who will connect with you by email (or phone if requested). I recommend email over the toll free number, as the telephone call center can only take information via voice mail. Use the phone number only if you don’t have email access.
Avenue’s website is: http://www.avenueresource.com/
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Thank you for your suggestions. I will be contacting Avenue and have ordered Tactics. I so appreciate you and Brenda’s ministry. You have given me many words of hope over the past few months.
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I am tired of all of it………….tired of having to check computer use……….tired of being the iron to sharpen…………tired of feeling guilty if I don’t have sex often enough………..tired of all this. I remember a time I thought I married a man of integrity…………now, we are always having to deal with this. To his credit, he has made great strides………..we now have Bible study…..we pray…….he goes to acct. group. He is moving from dishonesty and secretiveness to honesty and openess. Even so………..when he is honest and tells me of a slip up……….it hurts and yet I am suppose to say……..”Thank you for being honest with me…….and let it go”. He says it’s hard to be honest when he knows I will be hurt………….the rock and the hard place. So…….this is our life. The elephant is always in the room………….never goes away. I am just tired of it…………..that being said, I find encouragement that others with much more difficult scenarios are still hanging tough. I just feel sad………………
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Brittany, I understand your discouragement. Our loving Father put us in families (physical and spiritual) that we might encourage one another. I hope that I can encourage you to focus on the progress he has made rather than letting disappointment, sadness, anger, bitterness, or any other negative thought process pull you down into discouragement and wanting to give up. When we take those destructive thoughts captive (2Cor 10:5) by refusing to dwell on them, and instead replace them with God-honoring thoughts and speech (Php 4:8, Eph 4:29-32), even though it is hard, it does produce joy because it’s Christ-like. It will produce the fruit of the Spirit in YOU regardless of what he is doing. I would also encourage you to use every opportunity to praise the progress and pray for the stumbles. Let him sense your partnership with him in his growth and maturity, and you will someday rejoice with him in the victory you both have attained by your perseverance! My prayers are for you to focus upward more than sideways! It will make all the difference in your own personal joy and contentment, even in the midst of a difficult trial (Jas 1:2-4). May the Lord be your strength and encouragement today and always!
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I can so understand the constant pain. I thought I married someone with whom I could trust (in that way) and found not only porn but chat room and a separate phone and email to talk with others and watch porn together. It started out as just learning to ‘help’ us. The odd part is, we were having wonderful sex and often. I love and am so attracted to him, but addiction is addiction. The bitterness is deep because he started lying despite my proof and tried to tell me it’s because he was bored because I was working every day. He’s a grown man and HE is responsible for his own actions. The best advice I’ve read here today is for the man to be patient. I flip flop between total love and devotion knowing he’s sorry and has stopped because he never meant to hurt me and acting like a complete maniac because I think of all those things and my insecurity and hurt shows as anger. Trying to get my confidence back is the hardest. I am very attractive but attention from other men does not make me feel better. I read where even models and beautiful actresses get cheated on and have the same problems so it’s not looks anyway. Truth is, I can’t compete with porn stars, but the truth to me is “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO”,
If men would just stop to think about how they would feel if we did that they would never do it. I feel sad too but it’s starting to take a backseat to optimism and love, Little by Little. No one’s perfect, I’m sure not!
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thank you………
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Is it ok for husband to keep bringing up the virtous wife scirpture? Push his wife around..call her the problem. Caught him looking at porn…a good few times..on computer to phone. Battle is to forgive and trust..I forgive and try and trust. Could it be we was not supposed to be? I see he uses me as forgiving him that i forgot. I do the schools and he is on his mobi. What makes is worse he hss put bing private search browser our computers saying that system is much better. I have three daughters and i am concerned how he treats me. He says he doesnt want to go church with me as i am not a virtous wife. I may as well hang my boots and say i am going to hell in his eyes. I pray..when all is ok he is great but it seems he tries to come up with thing to upset me and make it like its my he is the way he is. I feel like throwing in the towel. I mean he makes statements like i dont listen to him over ten years since we have been together. So he doesnt care if it bothers him that it bothers me helate on the computer and if i decide to stay up with him he latet goes to bed and then he is on his cell phone. It makes me sad and upset as a person. I have been faithful to him all the way. My only concern now is my walk with Christ and my kids. He is mentally draining me out and if it wasnt fir Christ i would have been long gone. Our love life was fine till i caught him. I do pray for him i also pray asking the dear Lord that my husband doesnt make fool of me. So then i catch him again. That was a over two years ago. What are the scriptures for a good husband? How can any women be happy with a man who doesnt acknowledge Christ.
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School runs..sorry for typo errors.
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Dear R,
In the last line, you say your husband is not a Christian, yet you say he keeps bringing up the scriptures regarding a “virtuous wife.” I’m not sure why he is using scripture to twist you around when he isn’t a Christian. When it comes to men leading their homes in a way that Christ approves, I think the most important scriptures come in Ephesians 5, and I’ve delved deeply into what that should look like every day in practice in my book Every Man’s Marriage. It comes in book and audio format, and I think it would give you a good picture of what it is supposed to look like. If you could get him to read it, I’m sure it woule help, but again, if he isn’t a Christian, I’m not sure. If a husband does not acknowledge Christ, I’m not sure how an woman can be happy. She can continue to live before him in Christian love and have peace that she is doing the right thing. So she can have some form of peace. But true happiness and connection? That is unlikely.
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My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary last weekend and just last night, I asked to see his phone and he deleted all of his history on it before giving it to me. I suspected something was up so I wouldn’t stop asking what it was until he confessed. He told me that he had a porn problem before we got together and now he just looks at it when he’s ‘bored at work’. I have been lied to about this for almost 3 years and i’m crushed. He says he’s never going to look at it again and that he’s so sorry he hurt me and that he will do anything to get my trust back. We have a one year old and one on the way. I feel so disgusting, like i’m not good
enough. I told him that I can’t trust him to use his smart phone anymore and so he said he’ll go back to his old phone that doesn’t have internet. did I do the right thing in taking away the smart phone? I feel like i’m just being controlling. I hate that I can’t trust him.
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Hi Sarah. There are a number of issues here to consider. First, I do think it was wise for him to give up use of his smartphone, at least for now. If it is a stumbling block for him, it might be best for him to be without it for a while. Another option is that he agree to use an accountability service for his smartphone. This will monitor where he goes online and send reports to someone he trusts to hold him accountable. It has been a very effective tool for men who struggle in this area.
Second, your emotional reaction to his porn use is quite justified. You’ve been lied to. Your husband’s eyes have feasted on images of other women. Your outrage, hurt, and disgust are normal reactions to his betrayal.
Third, understand that not being “good enough” is a common lie women in your position believe. To someone who retreats to pornography, no one woman can live up to a fantasy world. In that fantasy porn world, he is the only thing that matters: the women in that world exist to satisfy him. This is one reason why men like porn so much: it is a place to escape from “real life” where they can feel all-important and attractive and can cater to their selfish whims. In marriage, men are called to die to themselves and serve their families.
Fourth, I can’t tell from your comments, but on the surface it sounds as if he’s trying to make amends. This is a good thing. Be encouraged that he says he doesn’t want to look at porn anymore. But always remember: don’t believe what he says, believe what he does. Believe behavior. As he shows a good track record of staying away from porn, this will help to build trust over time.
Last, your question: Are you being controlling? Only you can answer this for yourself. Perhaps you believe you are being controlling (maybe that’s what prompted you to write your comment). If so, then acknowledge this is not a road you want to go down and choose an appropriate action. Confess to your husband that you don’t want to be controlling or manipulative. Talk it through with him. Perhaps there are other men in his life that can shoulder the burden of holding him accountable to his actions. I would highly recommend this so you aren’t always carrying the burden of being the “spy” in his life. (This video shows a couple that has learned this lesson. You can also read her story in this e-book we compiled for wives in your position.) Remember this: There may be rightness in your actions even if the motives are not right. It may be good for him to give up his phone or have some protection on it, even if you were motivated to take it away because you wanted to “control” him. Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
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My husband has had a problem with porn since before we were married 11yrs ago. Although every incident has left me hurt, I have just recently realized that it is an actual addiction. Every Mans Battle has really opened my eyes to the depth of the problem. Although my husband is going to counseling and support groups, I cannot trust him, and am constantly worrying about who he’s looking at, thinking about, etc. I don’t even enjoy going out anywhere with him for fear of him seeing attractive women. I have been told over and over that this is not about me but I can not seem to separate myself from his problem and I am so insecure with him. Although we are both getting help, many days I feel completely hopeless. Can I ever really get over this and the pain I feel from it?
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My husband has struggled with porn in the past, but yesterday I found that for the last six months he has been downloading pornographic images and photoshopping my face onto the women. There were at least 50-100 of these images. He has created porn with ME as the subject, with other men treating me like an animal. Some of them show me bound & gagged & other frightening things. These were stored on a computer that my children use every day! I am devastated on so many levels. He is supposed to be my protector. It should be horrifying to him to see pictures of other men abusing me sexually, yet he has created them for his pleasure. This goes far beyond a “porn” problem, does it not? I have not found anything like this addressed in the many online resources I’ve searched. I do not know where to turn for help.
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Hi Melissa,
I can’t imagine the pain and betrayal you feel right now. I agree, this is more than just a “porn problem.” Usually an obsession with porn is far more than just a porn problem, but in this case there are a number of complications. First, he appears to be into some sadistic material. Porn typically blurs the lines between pleasure and pain, and because of this he is now linking sexual pleasure with harm (at least in certain instances). Second, he isn’t thinking about how others might be exposed to this same material (like your children) which is very distressing.
Third is this matter of him photoshopping your face on the women. Without conversing with him, it’s impossible to know for sure why he’s chosen to do this, but if I were to wager a guess, it might be a way he justifies looking at porn. He might feel like his lust isn’t a problem if he’s thinking about you in the process. Of course, this is ridiculous for many reasons. (1) He has to get the original images, which means he has to subject himself to likely thousands of pornographic images to to get the ones he wants. (2) Even after being photoshopped, the images are still a vehicle for his lust. Those photos, no matter how cleverly edited, are not you.
There may not be many women who have experienced this kind of problem before, but it is not unlike many other twisted forms of porn addiction. He needs to be confronted about this. He might try to justify himself by saying that he was trying to be faithful to you by making you the center of his fantasies, but if this is his plan, it is actually counterproductive. They are robbing your marriage of intimacy. They are filling his mind with unrealistic expectations. They are driving him more inward into fantasy, not outward toward real romance. They are training him to sexualize violence. They are training his mind to objectify you. (He can read more about this in the free e-books we have on our website.)
I recommend he seek help for this problem from a trained counselor.
As for you, I know all of this must seem shocking and terrible (because it is). It is really important for you that you seek some help yourself. Don’t go through this alone. Just as sure as he needs help to change his heart, so you need support as you decide what needs to happen next.
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Thank you so much for your reply. I think I just needed someone else to say yes, this is a terrible thing. I think you are absolutely right about the reason for photoshopping my face into the pictures. I caught him a couple of years ago playing around with photoshopping just my image, making my clothing more revealing, etc. He justified it by saying that there is nothing wrong with lusting after your own wife. I think this is an obvious progression from that, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept, or any less frightening.
Now he knows that I’ve seen the images. The last 2 days he has come home from work and gone straight to our room, where he lies in the dark by himself. He hasn’t talked to me and he hasn’t touched his computer. He leaves me notes when he leaves at 4 a.m. for work saying he is ashamed to face me, that he will go anywhere that I want (counseling) and how bad that he feels that I’m hurting, etc. But he has not apologized or said a word about what he has done. His Bible is lying on the counter where he left it after church on Sunday. That is what concerns me the most (what is going on with him spiritually). I know that we won’t make any progress until he is broken before the Lord over this.
One final question. I am actively seeking help for both of us, and I am strongly leaning towards a ministry that offers nouthetic counseling and specializes in addictions. Any thoughts on this? Thank you again for taking the time to respond.
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Thanks for letting me know what is going on. It is good he is facing the shame of his actions. Of course, I would hate for that shame to become so toxic he runs from you and God and everyone who could help him, but it is good for him to face the shame of his choices. It will make the grace of God all the sweeter when he encounters it.
I agree: a good nouthetic counselor would be very good to find. Have you tried looking on the NANC directory? I’m not sure you can search via speciality, but my suggestion would be to start calling some counseling offices in your area and get a sense for their personal experience with sex addiction.
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I have been married for 26 years to a man with a porn addiction. It has affected every part of my life, self-esteem, and marriage. My husband has looked me in the eye and lied to me over this.
I do know that God can change hearts and actions because he has changed my husband. And I am grateful for that. But here is my question…when we had our last big blowup over this and I told him I was tired of living this way, we agreed on certain things he would do..internet filter, accountability, etc.
My problem is this: he did these things for awhile, but only for 6 months or so. He says he has a new understanding of his problem and has been delivered or “relieved of the burden”. HOW do I trust him when he no longer acknowledges the problem or that he ever had a problem? I am finding it very hard to trust. Every time he watches a movie that has some nudity in it I find myself right back in the middle of the pain. He doesn’t seem to understand this or think it is a big deal. I love this man but I don’t know if I can ever really trust again. And if I can’t, then I wonder if our marriage is really any better off than it was all those years he was lying to me?
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Hi Amy,
First, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your pain. Men often have no idea how deep this hurt goes.
As for your question, I recommend first you talk with him about what rebuilding trust looks like to you. You may be baffled somewhat by that question yourself, but a basic rule for rebuilding trust is “Believe Behavior” (read this brief article by Doug Weiss about that). Don’t believe what he says, believe what he does. He needs to know what behaviors you are expecting that will help you to know you can trust him again.
It is also important for him to understand what you are expecting regarding his disposition. Believe his behavior, yes. But what he says can also be an indication of his heart and his understanding of how much he’s hurt you (this excellent article by Joe Dallas is about that.) It would probably build your trust far more if he was at least verbally acknowledging the seriousness of his sin.
Tell him, “You may have overcoming some hurdles, and if so, that’s great. But understand that trust is something earned. I am willing to trust you again, of course, because I love you. But it isn’t an automatic thing. Here’s what rebuilding trust looks like to me. It means you continue to acknowledge that despite your growth, you are still temptable. It means you need to understand that I don’y draw a sharp line between porn and the nudity in a mainstream movie: both are meant to provoke lust. It also means if the tools you were using before to keep you ‘back from the edge’ were working (accountability, filtering, etc.) then I want you to keep using them. Even if you have gained a measure of victory, those tools are as much to help me as they help you: they help me see how serious you are about this.”
Start there and see where the conversation goes.
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My husband and I have been married for 3 months now. We are both Christians, from Christian families, but both have probably never fully embraced a relationship with our Lord.
2 months after we started dating, he told me he has struggled with porn since an 11-year old. It was the darkest part of him that he hated, but knew I deserved to know. It was really hard to handle for awhile, but I quickly forgave him, believing it would end. It did not.
Almost a year into dating, I caught him trying to video me changing in his room with his computer webcam. We worked through that as well. He denied it at first, but eventually came clean. That was a bigger hurdle to cross.
All along I have decided to forgive him and move on…despite the pain.
I don’t know why I thought this (knowing how deep sin like this is), but I figured it would all just go away. Especially after we got married. Unfortunately, about a month and a half after we got married, I discovered search history that told otherwise. It was one instance. We tried to work through it. Since then, I have found proof two other times.
I know he is sorry and I know it causes him major pain. It makes him feel dirty and unworthy. I don’t want to bring it up with him, because I know it crushes him to know that I know and am experiencing pain.
My latest struggle, though, is the constant searching. When I get home from work before he does, I scroll through his computer and email…whatever I can look through to try to find where he has fallen. I don’t know if I think it will make me feel better to know exactly what is going on? I have only found proof twice, but thoughts still flood my mind. All day I face the battles, wondering what he has seen, how deep his exposure goes, and if he has ever been involved with anyone online or elsewhere. I cannot help but wonder if anything has been hidden from me, even though there’s pretty solid proof that there isn’t.
It’s this distrust that scares me though. I don’t want to not be able to trust him. He even mentioned how me looking through his computer had caused him to stumble. I’m afraid of what might come of this. I don’t have solid hope that his struggle will stop. We are making positive steps, but how can I fully trust him again when I don’t have solid feelings that he will stop? I’m so afraid to get hurt again.
Is it harmful for me to be looking through his computer and monitoring him? I guess I don’t really know. To me, not seeing anything feels good, but finding what he has seen hurts so deeply. Yet, I keep desiring to look, wondering just how deep it goes and what he is looking at. I am simply lost.
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Great question, April. It breaks my heart to heart your story.
There’s no doubt when a woman is reduced to “spying” on her husband, something in the marriage has gone wrong. His repeated untrustworthiness has caused you great pain. Trust is something that should be earned, not just given willy-nilly. You instinctively understand this: this is one reason why you search his web history. You want to see for yourself proof of change, and his browser history is one of the only ways you know how to see change.
I do believe that “spying” is not the ideal solution. He should be voluntarily opening his life to you. Part of the problem for him in the secrecy: this is one of the things that drives the addiction for him. The way out is confession. He needs to get honest with himself and others and talk about the problem. He needs to get honest with you and volunteer the information he has customarily hidden from you all this time.
That said, what do you do in the interim before he’s ready to make that step?
I recommend you dig into the following articles and podcasts. There’s a lot of information that might help you.
1. Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives?
2. 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask – 3-post series by a Christian counselor
3. Including Wives in Accountability Relationships: Who protects the wife when a man protects his secrets? – Post by Doug Weiss
I also highly recommend this video series for wives of porn addicts. Excellent material: “True Betrayal: Seminar Series for Wives of Porn Addicts.”
Grace and peace to you, April.
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Thank you for the informative comments and also finding out I’m not alone! I wish every man would understand that women are SO attracted to faithful loyal honest men. Being with my husband and KNOWING it’s just us two and how deep our love is is by far the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced as it is with him. Why do men forget that?
I also think the key to getting over the pain and mistrust is that the husband “gets” how much it hurts us. Too many want to make light of it and say it’s “nothing’ as if that will make us feel better. That only hurts us more. Part of deep love is respect. This is an action that says there is NO respect and that is the most painful of all. Respect should be shown at all times, even if the spouse never finds out. And yet I’ll bet every man that has been ‘caught’ would be devastated if their wife left them. Again, why do they forget this?
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Hi Ginny. I think it was Paul Newman who said, “Why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home?” On one hand we agree with Newman: when you’ve tasted the real thing, why go back to what is inferior? On the other hand, people who love steak still eat hamburgers. People who have high tastes will, at times, rush to the convenience of McDonalds.
A post we recently published talks about this from a neurological level:
This is one reason why men can easily forget and rush after the cheap thrill of pornography.
In the end, what is needed is not just a strong sense of satisfaction in marriage but a ruthless commitment to fight temptation.
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Thank you Luke for your comments but it also drives home to me how helpless I am in this situation. As much as I TRY it seems you are saying that I can’t stop my husband from going to ‘McDonalds’ Wow. That hurts.
Things have been good lately although I have not moved back home yet , I am planning on it next month. I still monitor the internet from afar just to be sure. Today I found him looking at beer posters on ebay with bikini babes on it. I overacted. I said I saw it on ebay history but in fact it was on a computer tracker. So, of course he said he pressed on it ‘accidentally’ yet the computer tracker showed he ‘scrolled’ over several pictures and spent much time on one. It may be a small act and rather innocent but just the fact he is so adamant that I’m wrong and he didn’t do anything alarms me. It’s not even the fact now, its the lying about it . I would have been angry if he had said he did it but not as much or as hurt and fearful of our future as I am since he is lying about it. He even swears to God and on his mother’s life. That’s scary. I know he’s not a bad person and would never do anything in person but this compulsive need to look at something or someone else is so devastating in light of what happened in the past. Yet he is so ashamed of what he did that he will never get real help as he would have to ‘tell’ what he was doing . To me, until you admit to yourself it was a serious problem nothing will actually go away, you are just waiting until you can do again. Am I wrong? Can you have a ‘little accidental ‘ slip and still not be in danger of going back to the dark side?
Because what he was saying to other people and how far it was progressing was SO incredibly scary. And JUST when I’m thinking everything is going great and I can relax and trust again. Again, it wasn’t porn but it WAS disrespectful and insulting to me. I am a controlling person lately and very hard on him and I hate that about me, I never used to be that way. He continually says it was ‘nothing’ and let’s go forward not dwell on the past but I’m so unsure. These little things are killing me and I’m sure it is him. He is in deep dark depression since I yelled at him how hurtful and insulting that was but I will NOT let him tell me it was accidental and I accused him of being a compulsive liar. I don’t think our marriage can survive this much longer no matter how much we love each other. It’s been a year now.
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Hi Ginny. Yes, in a sense that is exactly what I am saying. Your husband must make specific, conscious, and repeated choices for himself. You cannot make those choices for him or force him to make those choices, nor would you probably want to do so if you could.
This does not mean you are helpless, however. There are steps you can take to guard both your heart and put up helpful boundaries between you and your husband. I recommend several links for you to read:
“Porn and Your Husband” (free e-book)
“True Betrayal” (Christian-based video series for wives)
“7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask” (written by a wive’s counselor)
Not having all the facts of your story, I would give you this word of advice: Believe Behavior. Don’t believe just what he says. He might be telling you the truth, but you simply can’t rebuild trust on words alone. He needs to know that and he needs to hear that from you. When trust has been shattered in any relations, the only way to rebuild it is with trustworthy behavior. To give trust so easily after it has been broken is not loving, it is just foolish.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t show him compassion or understanding. I do believe he needs to be able to say to you, “I recognize that I broke your trust and that you shouldn’t just give trust back to me. I need to earn it. What does rebuilding trust look like to you?”
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Hi. This is hard for me, as I have never posted something like this before..but here goes.
I have been married since Aug 2009, and my husband has been watching porn since. He actually told me before we got married and said it was in the past, and so I decided to trust him. I am completely devastated. I have found out he has been watching and contacting other girls(real and far away fantasy ones) over and over again.
I try to forgive him, but his :reformed cleanness” never lasts more than a single month!
And now, the worst part(for this kind of situation) is I’m pregnant. I never imagined living this kind of marriage with a child! My own father had this horrible addiction, with many other issue, and it tore me and my family to pieces. I have seen first-hand what it can do. And now my husband has the same problem! I experienced a lot of pain as a child and teenager-dealing with a lot of warped family issues..and God miraculously healed my broken heart. He gave me joy, life, and hope for my own life and future.
But then why, how could HE let me marry this “Christian” man??
I keep on telling myself I should have left him when I had a chance, but now I’m pregnant!
What am I supposed to do??! I actually came to a mental breakdown this weekend..I felt hopeless…yet when I worshiped God I felt strange joy. I know God loves me.
But I don’t think I love my husband enough anymore to endure more pain. It’s too much.
I can’t raise a child with a man who is not willing to be a man. He has apologized every time, after he is caught. I usually feel it before I find proof on the computer. I do not want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel trapped now, especially because of the baby.
Please, I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this because in my heart I have already given up on him. I know that sounds horrible for me to say, but it’s true. And I hate what I would become if I stay with him any longer. It’s just not worth it. I am planning on moving back to my mother’s house, but not by happy choice-I just know I will need all the help I can get raising a child on my own. I hate that it has come to this, but I have been wishing that I was in heaven, and that I was never born. I am not suicidal, at all, and would never end my life. But this is too much. I wish I was in heaven.
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Dear Devastated,
I was not pregnant when I found out about my husband’s extent of his porn addiction but knowing myself I knew I had to ‘get away’ for awhile or I would go crazy. You need to concentrate on yourself and your baby now and if you need to go somewhere else and be with someone who loves you then by all means do it. It was CONSUMING me and my life and it wasn’t MY problem which absolutely infuriated me. Addicts lie. Simple as that. Maybe if you’re not there he’ll realize what he has to lose and straighten up.
I’m going to read the book by Fred, especially the chapters about men’s sexuality and how different it is from ours. I think that’s what I can’t understand because of course I’m not a man and I think to myself “How could you DO that?” If I can understand a little maybe I can ‘let it go’.
Let go and let God. It’s been almost a year and I am healing but at first I wanted to stay holed up and away from everyone. Don’t do that. Stay connected to other people, go places, talk to your Mother about everything and of course you can talk to me. I have been to Al-Anon meetings in the past for his “other” addiction and the one thing they would tell me when I would get upset over what I should do is “YOU DON”T HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION TODAY’
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Devastated…I have been there. I pushed away the truth through THREE children. I didn’t know about the porn problem until after our first was born, and literally his stash of photos came drifting down from our bathroom ceiling tiles on a very windy March day. I was recovering from childbirth, and Miss July landed in my sink, right in front of me. From there, we endured some 17 years of lies. He would admit it was a problem, say he was going to give it up, then we would coast along, just until I discovered more. The internet made it easier for him to lie….now we have smart phones. I endured an eating disorder early on after I initially discovered this, thinking I could look good enough to help him overcome this…..major trust issues…..we were separated for two years after 17 years of marriage. I fell into emotional affairs, which I feel is my version of addiction: just looking for the emotional connection missing in my marriage. We began to reconcile after two years of separation, even after I filed for divorce. He seems to have recommitted his life, but I still have trust issues. I think it’s because he is never completely open and honest, so I have this sort of shadow hanging over my head, where I am not sure if there is just so much more I do not know. For example, he became honest only in the past six months about returning to porn while we were separated. So while I was working on becoming closer to Christ, really dedicating myself to God and our children while praying for him, he was back into what tore us apart, but even more heavily and freely I assume. To find this out AFTER reconciliation and a re-courting makes me wonder what else I do not know. He says “nothing” .. he has said that before. To top things off, at the age of 42, as a non smoker, healthy gym rat, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. This just eight months after he moved back home. So….we have terminal illness, the threat of losing him….while trying to rebuild trust. Our marriage is better than ever, but still full of holes from my end. Things I just feel aren’t quite right. He still feels the need to lie about things, saying it’s to protect me. He traveled for work with a female last year, but told me he was with group of guys. I knew he was with a female coworker because an email came through on his phone about the travel plans. Although I do not think he was/is having an affair with her, I wish I wouldn’t have to beg for honesty. He finally admitted it, and said he didn’t want me to worry. Ugh. Hard to rebuild trust with lies.
So…I guess what I am saying is this could be a long and difficult road. And without honesty, total honesty, and openness, it will be futile. I love my husband, forgive him, fear losing him, fear for his faith, but would LOVE to some day feel I know everything, so I can forgive everything.
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…and I’m not sure if this will be seen or moderated since it’s an old thread, but I will ask what looks to be the common question. Yes, we are both Christians. He plays in our church band, large, well attended church. We attend small group. We are involved. I work in Christian media, and have for most of my career. We have Christian counselors and materials, any book, including yours, on our bookshelves. I have interviewed experts from Laurie Hall, when her book first came out (Affair of the Mind) to, more recently, Emerson Eggerichs. With all that, it doesn’t work without complete honesty accountability. And I am not sure if it’s time to give up on that, considering the illness, and just coast, or keep trying.
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Dear Been There,
I can TOTALLY understand your feelings about the honesty issue. My husband, although I know is a decent good person inside, still lies about things. They may be about things small but they are still lies. And he still insists his actions with online porn was ‘nothing and just stupid’. After reading about addiction and dealing with my husband’s previous alcohol addiction I have learned it’s become such a way of life with him to lie and that he truly believes he “has” to to protect me or keep me from getting angry or us having a fight. Why can’t they face the fact that even though we will be hurt or angry about what we hear that it will eventually help things so much. I don’t think they are being honest with themselves actually. How do we lovingly tell them we need that total honesty? I don’t want my husband to be depressed or feel worse about himself than he already does and I’m sure you don’t want to add more stress on your husband but I don’t want to give up my needs either. And I also know I’ll continue to have “meltdowns” without a full accounting and admittance from him. That’s no good for either of us. I also would like to know what I can do to guide him to understand it WAS an addiction. I think I’m going to tell my husband that our marriage can be so wonderful if I understand and maybe he can write a letter ? similar to what they are required to do in AA
Maybe that will be easier than facing me, afraid of my reaction.
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Hi Ginny,
Writing a letter may be a good place to start. In regards to his porn use in particular, I’d also recommend having him read two resources. The first is our recovery guide for wives. While it’s written for women like you, we’ve also heard from men who used it to gain insight into their wives’ feelings. Then share this blog post by Dr. Doug Weiss about wives and accountability. Even if you don’t use Internet Accountability software, it’s a good reminder that it is your right as his wife to choose how much or how little you know about his online habits.
If he’s a habitual liar, which is how it sounds from your story, you may want to encourage him to seek professional support to help open up lines of communication and trust in your marriage.
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I have read all the threads on here and they all basically say the same thing. Husband cheats and we all try to forgive. I just do not understand. Why must I be the one to forgive? It is not fair. My husband has told me time after time he is sorry but if you are “sorry” you would not have done it in the first place! I use to be a fun loving person now I am always serious and I feel like a physco always trying to see computer history and if we go out in public I watch him like a hawk, apparently I am physco but he made me this way now he has to deal with it. He ask when will you forgive me, it’s been almost four years (since I caught him, that is). Ahh I really would like to trust him again it is just so hard and I do not know how much longer I can live like this. I have read that someone said, it is not that you are not good enough. Well then why? Why would someone want to hurt someone they love so much? Everywhere I turn sex is always there, magazines, computers, tvs, clothing etc…how I am suppose to trust/forgive when we live in a world that is constantly reminding me of my pain? Someone on here said we can’t live in a cave, well that seems like only option…
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To can’tseemtoforgive:
I know it’s been sometime since you wrote this but I am just now reading it. I am in your shoes. My radar is up about EVERYTHING. We can’t even go to a ballgame without me watching his eyes. I don’t want to be this way but my self-esteem is so low even after a year and a half. Even when he gives me a compliment I don’t believe him.
What’s scary to me is , there is a person there I don’t know. The person I thought I knew (and trusted) has another side to him that I despise. So, now, who is there? The person I love? or the person I despise? The person that truly loves me? or the person who had no qualms about hurting me? I have 20 yrs of investment in this relationship, there is no one else I want to be with but I’m so scared of being ‘duped’ or hurt again. I know I am the one hurting our relationship now but can’t seem to stop it. Like your husband he has not given me any reason (other than little white lies) not to trust him but I still don’t. Will I ever? Will I ever get my self-esteem and confidence back? My mother used say to ‘fake it till you can make it’ so I’m faking it but inside I’m still lost. I understand how you feel and hope we can find help.
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I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for finding this site and just downloaded one ebook. I am just beginning my journey of dealing with this. I’ve been married 6 yrs, we had 3 kids in 3 yrs, 5 weeks. We live out of the state we are from, so no family around. I felt I had been pulling away from him emotionally and decided to write him an email. I told him that I know that I wanted to work on myself and that I planned on doing just that and that I didn’t want to keep pullling away from him as I was doing. He is a great familiy man and loves his kids….we’ve been going back and forth about having another one. We both want one, but I’m not sure of the timing as I am going back to school myself and he is in medical school. He is always studying and up late. The specialty he wants to go in would take 6-7 years of him working 80-90 hr weeks. I’m just trying to take in the work I’d have to do on my own and I feel guilty about saying that although I really want another one, I’m not sure if I could balance it the best I could. Anyway…..looked into history after he was acting funny and discovered a site he has visited and numerous deleted history, confronted him, of course he says hes sorry and tells me it started 2 yrs ago…..after looking into the site further, I discovered it wasnt just videos, it was a live web chat. I’m so crushed and just feel overwhelmed. He says that he never joined the site and that its another site that he frequented thats just videos. This was just 3 weeks ago….talked it out, hes trying to be more attentive, I’ve been trying to fix up for him more and we have it more regular. I’ve initiated intamacy twice which is a lot for me…and while I am happy that I’m over coming my insecurities about being self conscious about my body and showing him my emotions and love, I also feel sad….I cant explain it. While it is my husband that I am doing things with and love dearly, its the circumstances with which it developed from that is hurting I guess. I know and feel like I should’ve been there for him more in the past, and I can’t change it, so I am trying to do it now…..but everytime I think about how he’s kept things from me for 2 years…its just hard. I am trying to move forward and we haven’t talked about it since the time it came out. We are both embarassed I guess.
When the kids were younger, under 3, and it was just me doing things, no family around for help, I would be too tired to give him some when he would ask and had told him to use his hands…haha…I caught him looking at something a few years ago and just told myself that it was because I was too tired and that it was ok. He was apologetic. I don’t know the art of femininity and he is the only man I’ve ever been with.
I’m trying to move on now but its hard when I know hes on the computer all the time for school. I was never one of those girls that always asked what he was doing/where he’s at and now I hate that I always want to check the history on the computer if I’m using it. I hate it….
Reading this site has been good, while it hurts me more to read and be reminded that all those images are forever burned in his head and that I will never be able to fill those desires that he has been building while fantasizing about other women over the past years, I know I can only find peace within myself with the hope of the Lord. This site has reminded me to keep Him my focus, instead of worrying about putting out enough and looking attractive enough. I guess that’s all I wanted to say….So thank you for helping me while I begin this journey…..
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Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry your husband’s issues and your insecurities are colliding. I pray you marriage can recover and grow from these experiences. I hope our education here is helpful to you.
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No matter how hard I try I can’t stop looking at porn and lying about looking at porn. My wife doesn’t trust me at all any more and is taking the kids away for good. I even look at it on my work computre at work and at home. Some times I want to give it up but for the most part I don’t want to stop and now I am loosing everything because I still want porn. I need help!!! Please!!
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Khris, this is exactly what porn addiction is: much like an addition to alcohol or drugs.
First, understand that there is hope for you in this. Change is very possible. I cannot tell you whether your wife will ever trust you, but if you are willing to make changes in your life, you can break free from this addiction. Thousands have done this. Making these changes may also go a long way to rebuilding the trust.
You would be interested in this free e-book, The Porn Circuit. It will really help you wrap your mind around your addiction.
Give the extend of your situation, I also highly recommend you find some kind of professional counseling for this, preferably someone who has some training in this area. A good group to contact would be Faithful and True. They have an only “self test” for sex addiction. They have 3-day intensive workshops available as well.
Let me know if you want to talk further.