If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
Thank you for your reply. It has been 6 months since my discovery of my husband’s porn use and masterbation and I am still struggling. He immediately asked for forgiveness and has since told me he has asked God for forgiveness and prays for us everyday. (I told him 3 days after the discovery that I forgave him and have tried to move on.) But I have dark days and anger still. He knows when I struggle and avoids me unless I initiate conversation about it. He has never liked to talk about uncomfortable subjects, but he has been forthcoming to my questions but no additional comments. He is understanding but has been a bit vague on some questions…such as what initially started his looking for porn sites?? He doesn’t know, he said. Before, he said his ED issue made him feel incomplete. I told him that I didn’t think all men with ED search for porn. He was silent. I mentioned my sadness at what happened to what I thought was a good thing and how he was a hippocrite, often commenting on others’immoral behaviors. Answering more inquiries…he said, yes he knew it was wrong. But, he never said he tried to stop. He goes out of his way to be kind to me and always has been. I was so upset at my last outburst, I even mentioned separation for awhile but he wanted no part of that. It would devastate him (and me) if others knew . We have family here, church members, we are loving parents and grandparents. I definitely have love-hate feelings for him and wish I could move on. Even though he has stopped the porn, I still have a strong suspicion that he still holds those porn images in his head and masterbates to them. Should I continue to question him, even on this?? (I have been understanding about his ED but I guess the porn and masterbating was a quick fix that became an addiction, rather than discussing with me. But we were intimate during all this time, as well…perhaps I was duped!?) Thank you for your response.
Hey there.
Well, I would want to make sure that he is actually doing the work he needs to do. Does he see a counselor? Go to a group? Have accountability partners that receive his Covenant Eyes report? Have friends that he talks to about his struggles? Those to me would be good indicators of behavioral trust being rebuilt.
As for ED, that is often a RESULT of extensive porn use. If he has no medical issues, then ED should not be an issue.
You might appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women, and a therapist for yourself is not a bad idea either, to help you process these emotions that you’re dealing with.
Peace,
Kay
My husband of over 40 years was using porn from free video clips found on Internet. He was masterbating to them. I suspected then caught him doing this a few times in one week and finally confronted him. He was very apologetic for hurting me and explained later that due to his ED problem from prostate surgery he never felt complete. He said he had been doing this for a couple of years. I suspect longer. He said he was done with it. Since then, I have struggled with forgiveness and trust. Why couldn’t he come to me first? We went to church and Bible study together but at night he would engage in the porn. He was living 2 lives.
Of course you have struggled with trust, since your husband was living two separate lives. The question is, does he come to you with his feelings now? Is he concerned about your feelings now? Those are the ways forward to rebuilding trust: sharing our own vulnerabilities and caring about the other person’s. Unless your husband does his own emotional work around his sexual vulnerabilities, and unless he is open and willing to share with you, then I suspect he will continue to find dysfunctional ways to deal with his emotions.
I have been married to my wife now for 5 years this december. We are both christians born and raised in the church, etc. I have struggled with lust for years now and it has caused many issues in my marriage, I was clean for a while but just recently fell back into the same sin all over again.. my issue has been over texting. It breaks my heart how much my sin hurts my wife and the last thing I want is to lose my wife and my kids. I love my wife so much and I know deep down she knows it but my issues with lust have caused her to feel unwanted like I don’t want to be married to her and that I want anyone else but here which is not true.. She has not spoken to me much in the last few days since she found the text on my phone. In the past I said I would get help but I never really did. This time around I don’t to play games anymore.. I already spoke to my pastor and I am going to start counseling with my church. Other then that what else can I do to show my wife that I want to fight for my marriage and that I want God’s healing. At this point I am just done with electronics and just want to give her my phone and tell here I don’t want it anymore, that its not worth hurting her anymore. That she is really everything I have ever wanted. Is that a good first start? Do you have any other suggestions? I am just praying that my wife can hold on and will not leave me and help me get through this. She has forgiven me a few times before but now its like a broken record and I dont want her to at some point just say forget it, its not worth forgiving you if you are just going to do it over again.. I dont want to do it ever again. I want to be set free and live my life for God and for my family.
Hey Jonathan.
I think there are two very important things to keep in mind.
First, you absolutely must rebuild behavioral trust. Your wife must be able to trust you again BECAUSE YOU BECOME TRUSTWORTHY. You must take responsibility for yourself and your choices. If getting rid of electronics is helpful to you, fine. If your church is able to help you with that, great. If, however, your church counseling program does not help you move along in recovery, you might want to find a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction therapy. Here is a directory. I would also encourage you to find a group to attend, a place where you can be real with other men about your choices and the impact they’ve had on your wife.
Second, you must rebuild emotional trust. You must support your wife. Listen to her without explaining or defending your choices. Attend to her emotions. Be kind and helpful. Instead of turning away from her, turn toward her. Here’s a video that might help. You should get a copy of John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Read it yourself first: commit to at least that much when it comes to rebuilding the relationship! Then see if your wife would be willing to read it with you. The truth is, a good successful marriage is far more than “not looking at porn.” It’s about having a real, true, emotionally connected relationship.
One final piece of the puzzle is this: you’ve been used to turning to “lust” to deal with your emotions. Men are taught all kinds of terrible things about themselves in our culture. Don’t feel (big boys don’t cry), be tough (be a man), and that acting out sexually is normal and healthy (boys will be boys). You’ll need to face up to your own pain, your own disappointments, your own grief. You’ll need to be vulnerable with yourself, with your counselor, with your group, with your wife. You’ll need to learn how to be with your pain instead of shoving it away with bad choices. That’s hard work. But it’s work that works, if you do it.
Peace to you,
Kay
We’ve been married for 19 years. She is 62 and I am 58. She stopped having sex with me several years ago saying she has absolutely no interest and that I should accept that. She even gets insulted at any sexual innuendos (mine or even actors in movies and TV). In respect for her feelings, I don’t mention anything sexual at all. I give her a morning hug, hold hands with her when we are out walking, and take on a great deal of the household chores as well as holding down my job that pays the rent and bills. Sexually, she remains off limits. Trying to take care of my own needs, she forbids me from looking at porn. I would consider that I have a normal sexual appetite (once every 10 days or so) with no where else to turn but pornography. I would never consider finding someone else to satisfy me, and I feel the safest and least harming outlet is my few times a month pornography. The few times she suspected I had been looking at porn she stopped talking to me for weeks (yes weeks!). The lack of intimacy has me getting more and more depressed. God gave us our bodies and pleasurable feelings for a reason – I don’t believe the reason is to quell them. I am not convinced that pornography is bad in all cases.
Hi Greg – Honestly, my heart just breaks. Really, for both you and your wife. There’s definitely the hurt that you’re feeling from being neglected in this way. Then, there’s wondering she experienced that caused her to change so radically from the first 10+ years of your marriage.
I’m certainly not going to judge you in any way for your choices. You are in a very difficult spot. As I imagine myself in your position, I think that I would also struggle mightily to stay pure. I’m never going to condone use of porn, but I’m also sensing the great struggle that you find yourself in. It isn’t fair. I would just encourage you, and ask you to seek God’s strength in honoring your marriage. Are you seeing a counselor of any kind or have any male accountability in your life? Have you found other honorable outlets for your sexual frustration? What would your wife do if she saw you trying to redirect your frustration in good, positive ways? “Hey, I’m heading off to see my accountability group again.” “Hey, I’m heading off to serve at the food truck again.” And when she asks why, “I’m trying to honor you. You’ve made a decision that I don’t understand, and instead of sinning against you in return, I’m trying to seek God’s guidance in how to press on, and I’m doing that by being open and honest with other brothers in Christ.” or “I’m choosing to redirect some of the frustration I feel in our marriage in good, noble, generous ways.” Maybe she would start to realize how much this is impacting you. I understand that there are medical or other severe situations where sexual intimacy isn’t possible, but that’s much different than outright denial.
Again, Greg, I hope you sense zero judgment in what I’ve typed. I think your situation sounds incredibly difficult. I have prayed for you specifically after posting this response.
Peace, Chris
My husband had watched porn recently and hes saying that he was just curious. Idk wheater to believe him or not. But now its hard to trust him and its hard to be around him naked anymore. I feel so uncomfortable. We’ve only been married for a couple months now but been together almost 2 years. Its hard enough to cope with the fact i already dont feel good about myself. He didnt make it any better. I wanna trust him again. But idk if i can.
Hey Amanda.
I don’t know about the “just curious” story. Most guys today are totally aware of porn and what it’s all about. Most are exposed to porn at very early ages. “Just curious?” Color me “just suspicious.” Unless he grew up under a rock, with no internet access, and no friends with internet access? I don’t think so.
I think his trustworthy behavior is absolutely key to your trust. He needs to demonstrate that he is trustworthy by adding blocking/filtering software and being honest and open with you.
Also, he needs to be trustworthy by turning toward you emotionally and being willing to listen to how you feel about this. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about behavioral trust vs. emotional trust.
It’s really okay for you to tell him that you’re not interested in being naked around him when he’s looking at porn. He needs to do his part and be trustworthy, or there’s no reason for you to trust him with your most vulnerable self. Having more sex, the right kind of sex, being skinnier, having bigger boobs, whatever–none of that will stop him from looking at porn. He has to choose that for himself.
It’s NOT ABOUT YOU. I know it’s almost impossible to feel that to be true, but I’m telling you: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. This is a choice he makes. It has nothing to do with how you look, how you perform, or who you are. This is HIS BAD CHOICE. And he’s the one who needs to make better choices.
Here’s a recent article from The Gottman Institute on porn and the negative impact it has on relationships. Perhaps he’d be willing to read that and start making better choices.
Peace to you, Kay
Hi. I’m wondering if you’re still responding to posts, which I would appreciate very much. Straight to the point: my husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and we are both christians. More over, we for several years held leadership positions in the church, so knowing that viewing porn is a sin and is wrong; is more than clear. Our sex life was ok at the beginning with no complications. I’m almost 9 years older than him, but due to my physic, I don’t represent my age. After three years of marriage, I accidentally discovered porn in our computer. When confronted, he was like: ehh, yea, I did it. I immediately requested counseling at the church, which truly didn’t help. I forgave the issue and we continued our marriage life. I took some measures of not relying the computer etc., and apparently things went back to normal. We tried for several years to have a baby and finally we couldnt. That was devastating for both and tension increased. Bottom line, Things were colder between us for several years now. I always tried to talk to him but he was distant and defensive, avoiding taking seriously what I was saying. Time passed and a couple of months ago he admited that he is again in porn.. He blames me for it and do not admit any responsibility. I had been diagnosed years ago with a hormone inbalance and was a very painful time of my life. He doesnt aknowledge that, he only blames me for his decision of using porn. He had to admit he has been doing it behind my back for several years. He admited it cold blooded, no remorse or repentance. On the contrary, according him, its all my responsibility. He doesnt feel accountable, nor he wants to give me more information regarding it. Marriage is on the verge of a definitive breakup, I dont trust him, I trusted him before and he did it again, with no remorse and hiding it very well. The lie was up to my face all this time. If you read, thanks for the advice.
Kate, I am so, so sorry. What a painful and difficult experience to have in your marriage.
First of all, I’m sure you know this, but let me say it anyway: your husband’s choices are his choices, and you are not to blame. He can only recover if he is willing to take responsibility for himself and his choices, and do the hard work of recovery. It’s a very common defense mechanism for men to blame their wives for their porn use, but it’s just not reality.
Secondly, no matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy. I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process through your emotions and work out what healthy boundaries will look like for you. There are directories here and here that you can check for someone in your area. A support group might also be helpful. The truth is, a situation like this is traumatic to most women; many will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. It’s so important that you get help just for you.
You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their boundaries in recovery. Also, here and here are some articles on boundaries that might be helpful to you. And here’s an article about how porn and divorce are addressed in the Bible. It’s quite different from what most churches say about porn and divorce, so it might helpful.
I hope those resources are helpful to you. Please let me know if you have other questions. Blessings, Kay
One thing I forgot to add. During our discussion, she mentioned (which is exactly how I feel too), is that we get along great! We laugh together, spend time together (not on dates, 4 kids with allergies and not knowing anyone who understand the importance of no gluten in our house…), we don’t have a problem with the way each other is parenting, every other aspect of our marriage seems to be in good shape. It’s just intimacy, and it seems that whole component of feelings I guess that is vacant (on her end though). I can manage to get a hug and kiss just about whenever I want, if I approach her, but it’s never the other way around. I guess I cannot remember the last time she initiated any kind of affection, which I think is one thing that hurts me the most. This is what I’ve done to her though, so I guess I deserve it, it’s just hard to deal with and I don’t know what to do, or if there’s anything that can be done.
I first wrote in on October 16, 2013 and wanted some additional encouragement or advice. I have been doing good with my healing with less than a handful of falls in the last year, and we recently broke our 4 year dry spell of no intimacy. It seemed great our first night (I hope this isn’t TMI), which I had totally been unexpecting, it was a great surprise to finally feel close to my wife, I hadn’t felt that loved in a very very long time. Aside from performance issues in endurance, which has always been an issue for me, things were fine. The next night, however, it all came crashing down. After beginning, I had to stop/slow down in fear of ending too soon, and it set her off, saying this is why she doesn’t try… This began a heavy discussion, as I was trying to figure out what was going on. Our problem in the past has always been that we never talk about sex, never talk about what we like or don’t like, if we did I don’t remember much of it, and it wasn’t very direct or an intentional discussion. What we got out of this discussion, though, was that she has been feeling trapped in our marriage. She can’t leave because she can’t support herself and the kids, but can’t stand to stay because she feels stuck. It’s a lot of things that bother her, the kids always fighting, the feelings of just not being happy.
I had asked her a few months ago what her feelings are on sex, and she said it wasn’t even on her radar. Honestly didn’t know if it was health issues she was having, or if it was just me, and she said she didn’t know either. We recently, in the past year or so, found out she has celiac disease, which is known to diminish sex drive, and I still don’t know if that’s really the issue. But one comment she made the other night was that “there’s nothing wrong with her”, she just doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. She’s mentioned before, stemming from discussions we’ve had were I’ve said I’m so close to being rid of my porn issues (I hardly ever even think about it, and only succumb after months of avoiding it, until finally I break down because absolutely nothing changes in our relationship), that it’s nothing I can fix, and I can’t fix her, or I can’t change her feelings. That’s one of the reason’s she doesn’t want to go to counselling; she doesn’t see how it would help because no one can change the way she feels (not in a stubborn way, more like no one can change her feelings). She also said she has apparently talked to many people about leaving me, but every one of them told her that I was a good man, a good husband, and that she’s just looking at it the wrong way, or that she’s making too big a deal about it, or that it’s not worth it? I was a little out of it emotionally out of it at that point; we both were, so I don’t remember her exact words. But with all that, she said she hates her life, has no life, always stuck at home with the kids, no way to get a job to support herself, and not really a way to do that if she did because we’re very adamant about not sending our kids to public school. As far as intimacy goes, though, she just doesn’t feel that way about me anymore.
Needless to say, this is hurting me very much. It seemed like we were finally breaking free from our emotionally/intimately vacant marriage, but regardless of my performance issues (which can be fixed, I’ve been finding), there are obviously issues going on, and I feel totally helpless. I cannot get out of my mind the feeling/moment we had that first night. The feeling of love I felt (not during sex, but being held afterwards) I cannot express in words how good it felt to finally feel like I was loved again. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like there’s nothing I can do, all hope seems to have left me, and just can’t imagine having to go through another 4 years or longer without that feeling again. The feeling of constant torment of being so close to the woman I love and want so badly, but feel I can’t even touch her because she just doesn’t feel that way about me anymore…
So I write today in search of help and encouragement. I don’t know what to do, or even what to think. I don’t know if this is something we can get past, or if we’re both just doomed… I know that getting back to church regularly and focusing only on God, leaving it to him to fix, is probably the only way to get past it, but it feels like whenever I say I want to get back to going to church, she feels that its just my way of trying to fix her (though she hasn’t said that exactly). But seeming that counselling is off the table because no one can fix the way she feels about me, I don’t really know what to do. It kind feels like counselling would just open the wounds up more and no way to heal them. One thing I’m planning to do is buy her a diamond wedding ring. I was never able to afford a nice one, and she has lost the one she did have. But I sold my guitar, my shotgun, and am trying to sell my amp (I used to play in a band and music has always been a part of who I am), and my goal is to show her that I’m giving up all the things that I hold dear to me, to show her how much she means to me. I’ve been working on saving for several weeks now. With that though, I know it’s not going to change anything, but it’s what I need to do anyay. I want to spend the rest of my life with her regardless of what happens in our relationship, I love her so much, she just deserves to have a nice ring so much more than I deserve those things… anyway, I’m just ranting now… Sorry for the novel!
Hey Archer. I’m so sorry for the pain that you and your wife are both experiencing in your marriage. I’m wondering if you’ve been attending any kind of group or therapy for yourself as part of your recovery process? That would really be an excellent place for you to process the kind of complicated issue. If you haven’t done group work or personal therapy, I would encourage you to begin immediately. Whatever your wife chooses, YOU can choose to work on your own emotional health.
The other thing I would recommend is John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman is the premier marriage researcher alive today, and this book tells you exactly what it takes to make marriage successful. (None of it is about sex, by the way.) You may get some insight as you read, into where the gaps are between “we get along great” and “she’s talked to many people about leaving.”
I would also say that a nice ring is not going to solve the problem. I think your money is much better spent on therapy for yourself. Whatever your wife chooses, YOU choose to be healthy.
Blessings, Kay
My husband and i are both 20 years old, we got married when we were 19. Weve been married for three months. Before we got married, i found out about my husbands porn addiction. A few days after we got married i found out that he hadnt stopped watching porn completely, he had been porn free for about a month but had lied to me about it the whole time. I gave him an ultimatium, me or the porn… he promised that it was ended already and wouldnt ever be an issue again. I found out a few days ago that a month ago he had watched and masturbated to porn again, after me continuously asking him if he stopped. It has been about five days since i found out, my husband is not on the fortify program along with convenant eyes and many filters in place, to show that he is trying. I am hurt that it is still a temptation and im still not even sure that i want to stay in this marriage, as he has broken our vows. I have and always will be faithful to him but i believe that this marriage and relationship are bbad for my mental health, as i obsesse over what he is doing and making sure i am no longer being hurt. I do believe that he will get over his porn addiction, but i still do not trust him. I feel that his.porn addiction is just one of the many things that i should be worried about. We are going to see a couselor, but until then i still feel scared of what he will do. Not only that, but a new issue of intimacy and trust has come up. My husband is still very much attracted to me and still wants to have sex and make love and show me that he loves me through sex. While i would like to have sex, i dont feel as though i trust him at all. His argument is “well if you love me and you feel like you love me and we have a connection and bond while having sex, you should want to have sex because well bond even more and you can feel like youre trusting me.” He says that even though hes defiled our vows and the purity of what we had, that if i can still make myself vulnerable to him and let myself love him, i will trust him and build intimacy. I dont feel the same way. Even though i do get turned on, and i want to make love, i feel disgusted that hes shared this with someone else. Ill remember what hes done and not want to share my intimacy with him again since he will share it with porn stars. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and he wont stop,no matter how much i push him away and tell him no or stop, he will continue because he says that i am just fighting against feeling my love for him amd we will only rebuild trust and intimacy by having sex. I dont feel the emtional support i need from him though, and i dont want to have sex yet even though i love him amd want to be able to give just yet. It feels as though it is fake and a lie, because the vows are broken. I just dont feel secure or safe or trusting, and i dont think i will start to feel those things by having sex.
Additionally, my husband tells me that he is not even attracted to the pornstars he watches. He tells me that i am the only one hes attracted to and find attractive and that i am what turns him on. I dont understand how he can watch porn if that is true. Is it possible that he is not sexually attracted to the pornstars he watches? I find it hard to believe. He says that he just needs the idea of sex, and that he even find the pornstars ugly. I dont understand. Can i really be the only one he is attracted to, or wants or thinks is attractive, when he watches and masturbates to porn?
This sounds like rationalization to me. This is how he explains to himself that this is really not as bad as he knows it is. It probably makes sense in his own head, but it doesn’t really make sense when you start looking at it. Here’s a short animated video I did about defense mechanisms that might help.
Hey Dana, I am so, so sorry. I think you’re experiencing the need for boundaries, and he’s not able to hear you. You should be able to say no to sex. That is a very basic human right: the right to your own body. When you choose to share that in marriage sexually, it is a gift. But it should never, ever be demanded of you. You will rebuild love and intimacy when he is trustworthy! And your sexual relationship can be an expression of that. But, it sounds to me like he’s got some pretty screwy ideas about love and sex–which is not surprising since it sounds like porn has been his main source of sex ed at this point. I would suggest that the counseling is not really a couples issue at this point. He needs to take responsibility for himself and sort out his crazy views of sex. You need help and support in healthy boundaries and emotional processing. Once he’s getting himself together and being more respectful of your boundaries, then you can probably do some good work in counseling together. Of course you don’t feel safe or secrure right now. And of course you won’t regain those feelings by having sex. You are absolutely right! He has to deal with himself first. You need healing. And then you can put that sexual component back together again. Blessings, Kay
Thanks again for replying. Well, I wish I could believe that I am worth fighting for, but tonight, hubby told me he doesn’t have the capacity to fight for me or our marriage. To say I am shattered is a massive understatement. I really don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want it to be over yet how do you try and save a marriage that the other person can’t be bothered with? I will just turn it over to God and trust that He will bring the change. Any prayers from you for us and our beautiful children would be greatly appreciated! Thank you again for your time and help.
Oh, I’m so, so sorry. What a terribly painful place to be.
YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
If your husband can’t fight for you, YOU fight for you. Whatever he chooses, YOU be healthy. YOU be strong. YOU be courageous.
The Lord your God is with you, WHEREVER you go, and HE fights for you and loves you and never lets you go.
I hope you’ll seek out local support as you walk through this–a personal counselor, maybe.
Blessings and prayers, Kay