If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
Thank you very much Mr. Stoeker! I don’t know anybody in my situation and I felt to talk about our situation to people we know (even our senior couples/friends) would bring dishonor and shame to my husband and put him in a negative light with them from now on. I needed answers and prayed that God would show me something, and I believe that He led me to this site. God is so good to me! So thanks again!
Dear Sue,
This is tough, because broken trust is hard to rebuild, and for some temperaments, it can seem very difficult to let go of the past. My first suggestion is to read my wife’s two books, called Every Heart Restored and also The Healing Choice. These books will really help you understand what is behind his sexual sin, and will help you deal with the emotions and rebuild trust. The knowledge regarding male sexuality in these books will enable you to see these sins in a new light, perhaps. Given the fact that you are honest and that you have a bit of a sinful past of your own, I believe this knowledge will really help you to put his sin into a new perspective, which will help you build trust by helping you understand exactly what is behind the sin (Books are at http://www.fredstoeker.com). My second thought is that it might be useful to be part of a small group where you can talk these feelings out and get suggestions from other women in your situation. We are associated with Avenue, founded by Susan and Clay Allen. Susan and Clay specialize in helping women set up small groups across the nation, but best of all, they have an 800-number “small group” format where you can do “small group” connection with women by phone, once a week or however it makes sense to set it up. You may not know anyone in your situation, but they do, and they can connect you. Their organization is awesome, and many readers have become part of these groups and have been helped. Let her know I told you to contact her. Susan’s email address is: SusanAllen@AvenueResource.com Her website is: http://www.avenueresource.com/
Third, I would say that the key path for you will be to focus more about getting closer to the Lord than to focus on getting more trust in your husband, and that is especially where The Healing Choice can help. Brenda talks a lot about rebuilding trust in God in that book, which helps in every other area of trust in our lives. Trusting God more will help you trust your husband more, in our experience and, frankly, building a deeper prayer and worship life with your husband will be key to that. Especially singing together. As you see him growing in the Lord, it will be easier and easier to trust that he won’t stumble again, because you’ll see that his identity is so tightly tied to Christ that you’ll know that he simply won’t do it again. Brenda knows where I will go and where I won’t go when I’m alone. She knows it for a fact, because of our spiritual connection and because of my habits tied to that. If you can build this same kind of connection, this will have great impact upon your trust.
What if you have all the evidence thh Craigslist and yes I did go through his phone and I have a very good memory of that I read and saw. He has all the textbook behavior signs that everything is true. I very tried talking and have made every approach in various ways because I know that without trust there is no relationship and he continues to deny it. He plays the I’m the crazy delusional one and when I try to show him the proof he gets violent. He thinks all this is bullshit and teases me about it. For instance, I ll call and hell hang the phone and screams quit calling me I’m trying to get my d–k sucked. How do I get him open up to me or am I wasting my time? My ver best friend in the whole world tried to help me and was so busy with her own always made me feel just important and I failed because I went back with him. I don’t know what to. Does anybody have any suggestions?
It sounds to me like your husband is engaged in classic gaslighting behavior. You know the facts, but he is denying them.
If he refuses to deal with reality, then consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be engaged in for the rest of your life? This is the question. Here, here, and here are some article on boundaries that might help you think through this. You might also want to find a therapist who can help support you.
When we were dating/courting my husband told me that he had struggled with porn. (I had told him all of my sins first because I knew if our relationship was going to go anywhere then I needed to get this out of the way, and I didn’t want to marry him and always feel like if he really knew me/ what I had done then he wouldn’t have married me. And I felt that one of the foundations for marriage should be complete honesty.) A few weeks before the wedding he admitted that he had looked at porn one night, he said it was because he was desiring me. (We were both virgins when we married.) And I was troubled but I forgave him and dismissed it because I just knew that when we got married he wouldn’t have to look elsewhere. Because I believed I would be able to meet every sexual need that he had. It was my job as a wife and I have a strong drive myself. So we got married and several months later we found out that I was pregnant. I was very fit before but after I became pregnant I gained like 50 lbs total. But we still
I don’t think it posted my whole story so I will break it down. After I was married I found out my husband had viewed porn and had been flirting/chatting with women online. I felt humiliated, angry and betrayed. It happened over a year ago and he’s been clean since. I love him, respect him, make love to him & I do my best to trust him. But I know that I don’t trust him fully. I worry about him everyday even though I try not to. I know that I am somehow holding back a piece of myself (because I am afaid of getting hurt again) but I don’t know how to give it back to him? Why can’t I be the happy lighthearted sweet smiling girl I was before? What should I do? Please respond…
Well, this is all so new and raw for me. I was quick to forgive because I am sad for him as well as me. It must be horrible to carry around the shame and guilt of sexual sin. He knew how bad it hurt me but continued to view it. I was sad, depressed and felt like I could never be what he wanted. I resorted to plastic surgery to feel better about myself, am constantly on a diet, and never look good enough. He tells me I am beautiful and I turn him on. Still, I can’t help but think that he is imagining the other girls he has seen. I prayed and prayed and fasted until God showed me that my husband truly is sorry and remorseful. Then I prayed that the shame wouldn’t turn to condemnation, but to conviction. The Lord is faithful and forgiving and restores everything back to it’s original created goodness. As much as it hurt to hear, I needed complete open honest communication with my husband. I am thanking God right now that he gave me such an awesome man to do this for me. I am healing a bit at a time and it’s only when I dwell on what I found that I fall back into the sadness. I hate sin and what Satan has done to corrupt and pervert intimacy. A verse comes to mind when I fall back into the trap of believing the lies. Forgive much because you have been forgiven much. Trust on the other hand is coming more slowly. I have to stop myself from checking the browsing history. First, I pray and trust God that he is working on my husband, then I trust my husband that he has repented. Sigh….why am I us so late reading this blog? Because it takes time to heal. Thank you for this site.
Angela, you have an awesome heart and attitude, my friend. Proud to all you my sister in Christ!
Lulu & Linda,
Please don’t give up hope or “just” settle. You’re right, the porcelian won’t be the same, it will be so much better & stronger & more beautiful than before! I know from personal experience that if both of you are focusing on God, then your marriage will begin to blossom. Even if your husbands are not willing to change, YOU can. If you’re going to remain in the marriage than please, don’t just “get” through it. Instead, fight like a wildcat! Work on looking to God for your everything & have no expectacions of anyone else. Pray every day for your husbands! Pray that God would allow you to see them through His eyes! Pray that he would give you an unconditional love for your husband & the strength & patience you need to endure this trial. Are you going to allow God to refine you through this trial or are you going to allow Satan to destroy you? It is a choice. You don’t have to trust in your husband but you can trust in God. He created you, he DIED for you! Don’t you think you can trust Him? I pray that you do.
No one should stay with any man that will not stop porn use. He is degrading his wife, his family, all women and God. If he continues to view porn you are just allowing him to have a life he wants but continue to sin uncontrollably. Leave him immediately.
It;s been almost 3 years since I caugh tnmy husband in all his lies about porn. It has destroyed me in so many ways. Yes we are still together, because I love him. But in all honesty, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry, feel betrayed, feel stupid and naive, feel sad, feel he had a choice an dhis choice wae not me. I have always felt that in any kind of relationship, the 3 most importnat things are Love, Trust and Respect. Once one of them crumbles so will the other two and the realtionship will be hurt. I cannot ever trust my husband again. I belived in him totally and that can no longer be. Once your marriage falls apart you can glue it back together but the porcelian will not be the same.
Lulu- I feel exactly like you do. I will be staying with my husband, but I feel confident that I will never be the same again. I will never regain the trust. I will hang on until the kids are old enough. I have 11 years until I am 50. No man wants to have sex with a 50 year old-ever. I’ll hang in there until then.
Dear Lulu,
Linda’s response is completely false on one point….good husbands do ABSOLUTELY want sex with a fifty-year-old woman…I sure do. Brenda, my wife, is fifty, and our sex-life is as awesome and as exciting as it was twenty years ago and thirty years ago. God intended it to be so. Scripture is clear on that, and we can’t change our theology based upon our experiences. Our theology has to be based upon Scripture. The reason it doesn’t happen that way as often as it should is that men don’t guard their eyes and commit to God’s plan in this. Therefore, their tastes in women don’t change as they age, as God created it to be. Because I have committed to God’s ways, my tastes have changed and Brenda’s “fuller” body shape is every bit as exciting as it ever was before four kids. The answer is not in settling or holding on until you can divorce later. The answer is for your husband to committ to God’s ways and for you both to grow closer to Him together.
I knew my husband used to have a problem with pornography; he was honest with me about this before we even dated. My impression, however, was that it USED to be a problem. He never looked at porn while we dated but two weeks after we got married he admitted to me that he was looking at internet porn from work! My husband has been very honest, to my knowledge, everytime he has looked at pornographic images, and most of the time he volunteers the information without me asking him, knowing how bad it will hurt me again and the risk it poses on the marriage. He seems to be doing better and I know he is sincere in his desire to stop, but what can I do to encourage him when I still hurt so bad? How can I feel better about myself again? Trust isn’t the hardest thing for me because he has been honest, but our sex life is suffering because I feel so ugly. What can I do?
@Stephanie – Thanks for your question. I can’t tell you how many women have expressed similar sentiments on this blog over the years. I won’t try to pretend I have a great understanding of how you feel. One of our regular authors, Ashley, has written on this subject from a personal perspective many times. In one of her articles, “Am I Beautiful Enough for Him?” she talks about she learned to overcome the feelings of insecurity. In another one, “Sex After Porn,” she talks about the conflicting emotions around making love when struggling with insecurity.
From a man’s perspective, I will say porn and sexual media in general have a powerful influence over a man’s mind. Porn trains men to understand beauty differently. But more than this, it trains the mind by eroticizing power and objectification. When a man looks at porn online, he has complete control of the experience: he can search for whatever he wants, see whatever he wants, see how much he wants, and fill his mind with all kinds of sensual novelty. No woman can really compete with this, because she’s not competing with merely a sexual experience, but with a fantasy experience. This is why even “picture perfect” celebrities have husbands who are addicted to porn: because these men are training their minds on fantasy, not reality.
With that said, your husband’s mind can also be retrained. As you build new experiences of intimacy (not just sexuality), you begin to build a new foundation of love, respect, and passion.
I know this post was written long ago, but I could have written it myself. My problem is I am MUCH older than most women who have to deal with self-esteem issues, insecurity, etc. I am 60 yrs old. My husband was viewing porn with 18-20 yr old women. He quit a few yrs ago & in trying to rebuild our relationship, I realized at my age, I will NEVER feel like I am beautiful or sexy to him….EVER. How can a 60 yr old woman ever feel that she is so beautiful that her husband is no longer going to think about 18 to 20 yr olds as sexual partners? I used to be very open & trusting with my husband. I didn’t mind making love in broad daylight or with every light in the house on. I actually preferred it because I so enjoyed looking at him. As he aged, I thought he looked even better because he is the only man I thought of throughout our 30 yr marriage. When he opened up to me about the porn & everything else going through his mind, I learned that the majority of the time that I thought we were making love, he was actually fantasizing about porn stars, women we both knew, some of my younger relatives, attractive women that he saw at work or on the street, etc. To make a long story short, when we have sex now, it has to be pitch black. I won’t be with him in the light of day….NO WAY! I won’t change in front of my husband the way I used to. I won’t take intimate showers with him the way we used to. If he walks in on me in my bra & underwear, I will cover with a towel, or duck under the bed, etc. He thinks I am just being ridiculous, but it actually comes from a pain so powerful that I can’t even explain it. I will never trust and believe that I am beautiful enough for him at 60 yrs old. He told me himself that he was fantasizing about other women when he was with me. I feel as though he made a fool of me when I trusted him & let him see every part of me in broad daylight. To him, I wasn’t me even then. He didn’t want me; he wanted something better than me, definitely much younger & a way better body. I can’t compete with that, and I don’t know how as a 60 yr old woman, that I can ever get my self-esteem & confidence back. To me, it seems impossible. If I was 30 again, then maybe….but not at 60. I don’t see it.
Hey Jeanie. Thank you for sharing so openly. I think the worst thing about porn is that it takes the “naked and unashamed” intimacy of our marriages and turns it into a performance that’s all about the surface. That’s the real perversion, in my book. I think that’s the real pain, too. Before, you experienced that were beautiful just because you’re YOU–you were trusting that he was with you, and loving you, the way you were with him, and loving him. And then, it turned out his mind was in a whole different place.
I think you could regain the joy of your sexual relationship, but I think that would come by resolving the real pain that’s here: the broken emotional intimacy of your marriage. That’s where the real pain is, and that’s where the real healing has to come, too.
The reality is this: you have something so much better to offer your husband than a hot young bod. You’ve got the wealth of all those years together, the experiences you’ve shared, the companionship, the things you know about one another that no one else knows. A hot young bod is a fleeting, shallow thing by comparison, in my book.
I hope your husband can work on his addiction issues and learn to bring his real, true self into your relationship again. I think he needs accountability and counseling–group therapy like Celebrate Recovery or Sex Addicts Anonymous, and/or individual therapy. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a local therapist.
And I hope you’ll find healing, too, and walk your way back to the knowledge of who you really are as a person, wholly loved and wholly complete, regardless of the cultural definition of “sexy”. Celebrate Recovery is a great place to find support, as is individual therapy.
I don’t know how deeply you’ve dug into our archives here, but Luke recently compiled a list of our favorite articles for spouses, and you might appreciate some of those.
Blessings to you and let me know what you think–Kay
I picked up my husbands phone a few months ago and there was erts from his google and I opened it and he had been on date site looking at naked women on youtube and porn he denied it at first then as I searched he admitted he didnt do it all the time but his history went a few years back .what has really traumatized me is at the time I had breast cancer God healed me I lost my left breast had chemo list all my hair he betrayed me at the worst time in my life .my husband has always verbally ,mentally emotional and used to physically abuse me resentaly it’s been mental and verbally. So when I froud all this his was doing I was devastated he apologized to but within the couple of weeks he was still looking so I asked him to leave to top it all off In july 2019 I had another mastectomy due to complications from reconstructive surgery I was stressed out from my toxic marriage we went to church most of the time I was the one who got up and made it happen my husband tells me hes sorry he broke his phone he doesnt use google or youtube no more but hes always working out of town he gives me his phone to check his history im sure hes sincere and I do check his phone cause I used to see phone lots of numbers he said he was never with anyone else but he cheated on me in the past and the things he has said to me verbally and mentally things about my body it’s so hurtful and painful it’s hard to get through this I’ve been disobedient to God I havent been praying .I’m not mad at God I’m just angry at my self for putting up with this man I love so much but hes broken me so bad it hurts me to much to even try to fix my marriage and I’ve.been married 43 years.
Shirley,
I am so sorry for the many years of pain you’ve suffered. It sounds like your husband’s porn use is simply one facet of his abusive behavior. You can’t fix this, because you aren’t the person making these choices. If there was any fixing to be done, it would be his job. I hope you have a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process this pain and decide on healthy ways forward? You might also want to read up on boundaries, here, here, and here, just to decide what is okay with you, what is not okay with you, and how to create a life that is healthy and right for yourself. You may also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women, where you can join in forums and work through trauma-informed workshops for your own support.
Peace to you,
Kay
He has not looked at porn in 4 years, that I know of, but I am afraid to let my trust down. How can I trust again. He is always home, so how can I trust him when he is not?
….sorry, but my first post accidentally posted without being finished….here is the finish….what I’m saying is that once your husband is trustworthy again, which he seems to be, then it is your job to trust again. To have faith. To believe. As Brenda and I said in Every Heart Restored, often times the husband is the original problem, but then when he repents and becomes trustworthy, the wife becomes more of the problem to rebuilding because she won’t forgive and won’t trust again. God is clear in scripture that repentance needs to be treated with forgiveness. I would recommend the book Believing God, by Beth Moore, to help you strengthen yourself in God enough to be able to let go of your fear and unforgiveness. Fear and unforgiveness are very difficult sometimes, and Beth Moore will be very helpful to you as someone with good truth to come alongside you in this and to help you face the future with faith and trust.
I know that my husband has been into internet porn more than once and it isn’t something that you just STOP! We have been having marriage troubles for a while and have only been married 6 1/2 years. He and I do not have an intimate relationship for the last 2 years..he hasn’t had a want, when asked why he has been on there he says cause you were not home. When I am home nothing happens..get that
What do you do when you’re a Christian and your husband isn’t? I’ve been married for over 20 years. Found out about 5 years ago my husband has been looking at porn. Each time he said he’d stop. Since then, I’ve found histories on the computer, a flash drive filled with porn videos, and caught him looking at porn on his notepad while we were alone together on vacation 3 weeks ago. Four years ago we went to counseling but nothing changed because he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing. The last two times I found out, I told him I couldn’t trust him anymore -he’d destroyed what little there was left. He said how sorry he was – he didn’t mean to hurt me. But then whenever we discuss it now, he gets very defensive – as if he has a right to do this, even if it hurts us. We’re going to another counselor tomorrow. I think he just wants us to go so I’ll realize how silly I’m being and accept the fact that all men do this and I shouldn’t make such a big deal about it. I just don’t know what to do if he has no intention of stopping this.
Hi Meg,
It is good you are going to see a counselor. Here’s what I hope your counselor tells your husband:
1. Using porn over and over only destroys the potential for real intimacy with your wife. You are training your brain to desire women who don’t look, act, or sound like your wife. You are training your brain to love the variety of porn, not the exclusivity of your wife. (You can learn all about this in our book, The Porn Circuit, which is book written to non-Christians).
2. Getting married means “forsaking all others,” just like you said in your vows. If you wife was chatting with men online or flirting with her around town and you saw her reciprocating, you probably wouldn’t be happy. You really wouldn’t be happy if she was seeking it out behind your back or if you caught her masturbating while she chatted online with another man. Don’t do the same to her.
I pray your husband gets the message. Write back and let me know how things are going.
Christina, are you both Christians? If so you should definitely try going to marriage counseling/come together before God in prayer. & Speak from your heart in prayer… Be very real before God about your pain. Seek help before these tendencies becomes habitual & ordinary… And life as you both know it. -Sending up a prayer for you ;) From: Speaking From Experience
You’re not alone. I’ve been married for over 18 years and it has been a LONG journey for us. My husband was SO addicted to porn, rejection of me for the false stuff was a regular occurrence. I felt so undesirable and worthless cuz he would rather masturbate to porn than be with me. It got so bad, he almost cheated on me. This was 8 years ago. Our relationship is much better today than it was years ago, but it’s still not where I wish it was. I just found porn on his phone last week. The only difference now is when I confront him, he’s fairly honest with me. I long for the day of purity and freedom. I PRAY for it!!! Every Man’s Battle conference and Celebrate Recovery were good for him. Maybe you can talk your husband into going to one… Praying for you and your marriage!
i have to call BS on all this pornography shaming of men. it is not a SIN issue that women are concerned with, it is THEIR OWN PRIDE. millions upon millions of christian women have read and enjoyed and masturbated to the 50 shades of grey series….and i can tell you one thing for sure. i’ve seen every kind of pornography you can imagine… so i know it when i see it. i picked that book up and read it for 5 minutes and i can most certainly say that 50 shades of grey is PORN. but nobody makes a big deal about THAT do they? NO. WHY? because if they did, then men would have to admit that their egos are hurt by their wives’ fantasies. HYPOCRITES!! women don’t care about their husband’s sin, they care about their own pride. millions upon millions of unmarried women watch porn themselves or send naked pictures over the internet. if you sit in front of any adult book store for more than 5 minutes you’ll see that the majority of patrons are WOMEN. if they aren’t buying porn then they are buying sex toys that their husbands can’t possibly compete with. nobody can convince me otherwise that christian wives don’t have sex toys on a multi-billion dollar industry- when over 70% of all americans claim to be christian. you aren’t SAVING any marriages by shaming guilty husbands while letting scornful, hypocritical wives go free. i’m not giving a pass on porn at all. i’m trying to overcome myself but don’t dare act like women are the innocent victims when they are JUST as guilty in their own way. the image you portray is that all the churches are full of porn addicted husbands and all the wives are chaste, desperate lilies bereft of any self-determination in the face of their husbands’ selfish sex addiction. the churches are FULL of women with sex toys and porn of their own fashion. what you need to be teaching is that men enjoy sex just like women do… just differently. and porn is an outlet for men to enjoy the same as the wife’s sex toy is an outlet for her. is it right? is it good? no… but let’s stop with the hypocrisy and man-shaming. porn is not cheating. there’s lots of couples that even watch it together. you need to teach that porn doesn’t have anything to do with a man’s feelings for his wife. if the wife isn’t getting affection, then porn is a SYMPTOM not a cause. man you guys need to take some diagnostic courses or something. you draw WRONG CONCLUSIONS from the data you gather.
Hi James,
I just wanted to point out that we do address women’s struggles (especially as it relates to Internet pornography). In fact, we made a couple of videos regarding 50 Shades of Grey. That we choose not to address other offline struggles is a reflection of the fact that we serve those who are struggling with Internet pornography (or love or minister to someone who does).
You are correct in pointing out that a woman using a sex toy or reading a steamy romance novel for her own arousal is just as sinful as a man who uses pornography; “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” But please keep in mind that posts like this are helping wives who are dealing with the initial feelings of betrayal when they discover their husband’s porn use. One survey found that 70% of wives of porn users exhibited symptoms of PTSD after making the discovery. While each wife will undoubtedly need to work through sin issues of her own, that is something that will be addressed in counseling or a support group, not here.
How did that relationship go. Your story mirrors mine. :) Your experience can give help me tremendously in my thoughts.
I don’t know what to do….. my husband just told me he was watching porn when I moved in about 3 to 4 months ago. Going into the relationship he told me he had a porn addiction and I was suppressing it I guess when we living in separate households, now the problem faces me head on. The fact he was looking at another woman and wanted to be there with her right then instead of me, just killed my self esteem. I just sat in the bath tub unable to move I was so depressed. I feel ugly unwanted, and feel like I’m just here for connivence for him. I know That’s not the case and he has a problem and he is slowly getting over it. But he keeps telling me masturbation is natural, and i respond maybe when your NOT in a relationship! But now he is in a long term commitment to me and he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. He saw how it made me feel when he saw my extreme depression he felt bad, but I can’t trust him again. I don’t have my sexy drive anymore. I just feel useless and I don’t know what to do. Honestly I just feel like I’m going through the motions and I’m paralyzed on the Inside. I still love him. And I’m going to seek Counseling for me. But I just need to someone to listen to me and tell me they understand or give me advice.
Hi Lanna,
Thank you for sharing your struggles and reaching out for help. Depression and hopelessness are common reactions to finding out your spouse is watching pornography, so do not feel like you are alone! The good news is that your marriage can heal from this!
I would definitely recommend that you pursue counseling, perhaps even couples counseling so that you can begin the process of healing and recovery. It’s going to take time, but do not give up!
Blessings,
Moriah