A little over 12 years ago I read an amazing book by Joshua Harris called Not Even a Hint. The title was based off Ephesians 5:3, which reads, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality…” (NIV). In the book, Harris opened up about his previous struggle with masturbation. He shared that many people masturbate, but hardly anyone talks about it. He then joked how most of his readers, upon seeing his open confession of masturbating, likely thought, “Better you than me!”
I also struggled with masturbation, and I began weeping as I wondered why no one was willing to be brave and open up about this subject. I decided that if God set me free, I would be willing to share the truth about this bondage so others could step into freedom too. So, today is the day that you get to read about my struggle and think, “Better you than me!”
I was exposed to pornography at a young age, and masturbation and a fantasy life developed from there. It soon became a compulsive and addictive activity for me. I often engaged in this several times a day and became enslaved. I tried to break free many times, and even after becoming a Christian filled with the Holy Spirit, I was still trapped. I went back and forth as to whether or not this behavior was wrong, although I really did know deep down this was not God’s plan for me.
Related: Porn and the Desire Dilemma
One day the Lord dealt with me regarding my sin through the following Scripture, “And whatsoever ye do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus…” (Col. 3:17). Now to be honest with you, I’ve always prided myself in being an intelligent person. But even with all my smarts, I still couldn’t figure out a way to masturbate “in the name of the Lord Jesus.” That wasn’t the end for me, but it was the beginning of the end.
I knew my actions were a coping mechanism, and the Lord spoke to me from Jeremiah 2:13.
“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Wow! God showed me I was trying to meet my needs in my own way instead of allowing Him to meet them. This was another step on my journey to freedom. Lasting freedom came as I began to relate with God and others; true healing from any type of sexually addictive behavior comes when we learn to be intimate.
I can honestly say it has been over ten years since I have masturbated. Yep, I’m currently single and haven’t physically been with anyone–so that means ten orgasm-free years. Our society values orgasm as the pearl of great price, but I’ve survived to tell my story nonetheless. Much to the shock of society, I didn’t die or kill anyone from not having an orgasm. It really is possible!
Related: 3 Steps to Kick the Habit of Masturbation
There is hope for anyone struggling with this issue! I was bound for 23 years, and Jesus set me free–He desires you to experience this freedom too!
Kimberly, God bless you! I’m grateful for your boldness in sharing. Porn and Masturbation were hand and in hand with me for over 10 years. It’s funny i took it passive from a Joyce Meyer book where she said your sin struggle will get worse before it gets better, and yes, that was true for me, even as i grew in Him and served in my church leadership. It’s still a struggle, but healing is progressing well, especially this past month. His Word is true, that as you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. I am grateful for the gift He’s giving us in “prayer” for i don’t know what i’ll do without it. Again, thanks for sharing for it’s given me more encouragement. Thanks to everyone that shared as well. Lifting all of you in prayers and ask you do the same for me. God bless, your brother in Christ.
T and G,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m glad that you are experiencing some victory and finding strength in the Lord’s presence. I pray that you also are allowing others of the same gender walk with you on this journey. God bless you!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! So few women talk about it, so as a woman who struggles with it, I am grateful to you for sharing your story. I began masturbating at age 6 after sexual abuse and pornography exposure. Now, in my mid-30’s and single, I still struggle with it. Thank you for the reminder that healing and hope is possible.
My story is similar. I was first exposed to dirty sexual talk when I was 8 and saw my first pornographic magazine with people engaged in sex at the same age. I saw my first pornographic video when I was 12 and have had, what I believe to be, a masturbation addiction since. This is a secret sin as I have been to embarrassed to mention to anyone. I lusted, sexually fantasized and masturbated to countless girls I went to school with, women I worked with, and attractive women I saw in public. I am now well in my 40’s and and it remains an everyday addiction. My Dad had passed away when I was 7 and no male in the family stepped in to be the male figure a young boy needs. My Mom never remarried and only went on a date on rare occasion after, so it was just me, Mom and my older sister. I was to embarrassed to ask my Mom about anything sexual. So my sex education basically came from public school, foul talking friends and pornography. I became a very shy, isolated, insecure and socially awkward teenager and remain this way to this day. I have never had a romantic relationship and the in the only three attempts to persue a woman I failed miserably and came out looking like a fool. So my sexual desire has been “fulfilled” through sexual fantasizing while masturbating.
Spiritually, I came to know Jesus when I was head deep in this addiction at 14. A lady my mom worked with invited us to church and from the start I enjoyed it and was baptized. But I remained in this sinful addiction. Still had trouble connecting with other kids my age, particularly girls. I fell from Christ at 17 (for an unrelated reason). By God never let go. I still believed and even prayed fairly often. But I was a miserable, unhappy, awkward adult with a masturbation addiction now. I didn’t view porn though. I was too embarrassed to ever rent a porn movie or walk into a strip club or adult store. Thankfully I never sought the services of a prostitute. But as the internet came around, I did view free porn clips at times, but only because I wanted to. I never felt the irresistible desire to view porn in the way I have the irresistible desire to fantasize and masturbate. In fact I have not viewed pornography in quite a long time. But a form of pornography remains in my mind.
Six years ago, and terrible situation in my family drew me back to Christ and I have involved in my small church ever since. But the desire to lust, fantasize and masturbate remains. In fact, it is stronger than ever. I feel incredible shame over it. I am constantly having to go to God and repent for it. I have begged him to deliver me from this bondage, but it seems to strong still. By the grace of God, not by own will, I am still sexually pure on a physical level (only because I am a total loser with women). But my mind, body and spirit are contaminated with this sexual impurity. I am still to embarrassed to discuss this with anyone. That is where I am at today.
If you met me, you would probably think I am an alright looking, normal guy who has it all together. I am moderately successful in life overall, I love God and truly believe overall I have a good heart and desire to be a Godly person. But I have this awful addiction.
My hope is to one day meet a Christian woman to marry and share my life with. But I know it can not happen with this awful addiction ruling my life. No Christian woman deserves a dirty minded, lustful husband.
All I can do is fight with Gods help. As I write this, my goal to get to this time tomorrow without giving in. If do this, the next goal would be to get to the next day. Basically one day at a time. Deep down, I do believe God will deliver me. But I must work with him and surrender to him.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. Women so rarely talk about it. As a woman, I have struggled with masturbation since I was six, related to sexual abuse and early pornography exposure. Now, in my mid-thirties and single, I still struggle with is, so I relate very much to your story. Thank you for the reminder that hope and healing are possible.
Thanks for your comment Troy. Glad you are finding victory. If I can be of help in the form of counseling please reach out at Kimberly@divineid.org. God bless you on your continued journey to freedom!
Thank you so much for sharing about this subject. I still struggle with this at times but am finding victory this week in giving this to Christ and focusing on him daily. Your long term victory on this encourages me
Great article. I struggle with this myself. Some people look at it like it’s no big deal, but when your soul is disagreeing with the action and you’re being pulled apart in two different directions, I can tell you the struggle is real… and it’s very difficult. I installed the Covenant Eyes software and it has helped a lot… now I only succumb to the desire maybe once a month–but soon, and with enough prayer and support, I hope to abolish it completely from my life very soon.
Keep doing what you know to do, and you will be free. Actually, Calvary has already made us free… we just are learning to walk in what already belongs to us. Thanks for your comment Greg. The struggle is real, and the struggle is difficult as you said. Keep up the prayer and the support. Reach out at Kimberly@divineid.org if I can offer counseling help. God bless!
Glad we were able to touch base via email! Thanks for reaching out.
Awesome post, thanks for sharing. We need all the encouragement we can get. I my self am in the midst of a tremendous struggle with addiction to self-abuse (the “m” word). I have lots of highs and lows, mostly highs now-a-days, thanks to Jesus. I do have a question though. In the last year or so, I will go through several months at a time with out acting out, and I have hit at least three major relapse bouts. Whenever I relapse I will act out multiple times over the span of 2-3 weeks. The first was almost two months. Is this normal in the struggle. Like I said, I go through periods of time when I am doing well, and then I fall into a pit. Is this a sign of progress? Is this normal for a while till it hopefully one day completely stops? Can u share with me what your last year was like?
Im almost convinced I’m a reprobate..I’ve struggled with masturbatopn on and off for 40yrs. My wife is not able to have intercourse due to medical issues, so I act out. Im sicl of it. I’ve prayed fasted and talked to Pastors about this. I feel trapped and hopeless, a broken Christian.
Thank you for your comment. You label yourself a broken Christian – the Truth is that label applies to all of us. Thankfully he is near to the broken and that is who he has come for. If you were a reprobate I assure you that you would not be on this website grieving about your son or even caring about it whatsoever. Just the fact that you are bothered shows that you are not reprobate. I did all of the things that you were doing but the change – the real change- did not take place for me untill I had daily accountability. God bless you on your journey and if I can be of assistance in the form of counseling please contact me at Kimberly@divined.org
I have read your article and cannot say better you than me. I have struggled with a fetish since I was around 5, and masturbation triggered by that from age 13…I am now 68. But I have been in recovery these past few years so things are getting better…thanks be to God!
Thanks for your comment Paul. God bless you on your journey. Good for you on your work to find freedom! If I can be of service please feel free to reach me at Kimberly@divineid.org
Hey Paul can we talk it’s wanda Jonathan
Thank you for not being ashamed to share your story – oh that more people would stand up and be counted. For whatever reason in our culture/society it’s ok to stand up and say “I was an alcoholic, but now I’ve been set free!” and people cheer and say “Praise God!” etc – but to acknowledge struggling with sexual sin is a no-no – despite way more people struggling in this area and (in my opinion) much more damaging side effects than alcoholism or drug addiction.
I myself have struggled in this area since the age of 3. I’m now 40, married, with 4 children – and it is still a struggle. I’m thankful for the grace of God, that he doesn’t just decide to strike me down for my sinful ways, but instead has placed all of my unrighteousness on his Son who paid the penalty.
For those single people reading this who believe that everything will work out when you finally get married, it really doesn’t, not if you don’t deal with whatever issues have drawn you to porn, masturbation, homosexual behaviour, etc. instead of depending upon God.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts Peter. Also, thank you for your amazing words of wisdom to singles. So true! Marriage does not fix this problem! If anything, it can at times make it worse. If I can be of help in the form of in person, Skype, or phone counseling please feel free to reach out at Kimberly@divineid.org. God bless you on your journey! Keep fighting the fight, brother.