That Time When Couples Therapy Didn’t Help I’ll never forget the day I walked out of therapy during early recovery. I left our therapist’s office crying, screaming, and slamming the door, vowing never to return. It’s safe to assume I was not pleased with how the session was going. At the time, I had not yet learned that what I was experiencing in relation to discovering my husband’s pornography addiction was betrayal trauma. Looking back, I realize my therapist had not yet learned that either. The scene just prior to my outburst had unfolded like this: Me: I wish I … Continue reading →
Dear Future Husband, Where are you? I’ve waited a long time for you to appear. Most of my friends have already found love, but I’m still waiting for you. A decade ago I caught the bouquet in a wedding—in fact it more or less fell in my hands—and since then I’ve stood in four weddings and attended probably a dozen more, all while wondering where you were. Have you been looking at porn? Don’t worry… I get it. You’re probably bitter because you’re still single too. And you probably stumbled across it in high school, around the time your family got … Continue reading →
Marriages Need Trust and Respect Trust and respect are the concrete and re-bar of a strong marital foundation. If one or the other is missing, the marriage structure is weakened and subject to damage. When you and I chose the road to lust land, the erosion of your marriage foundation began. If you’re single, it holds true for any future marriage. This road is paved with destructive potholes. It’s a path of daily aggravation, and it’s no fun to drive on. Rebuilding trust is possible, but it will take hard work and significant time. Here are three action steps you can … Continue reading →
Pastors are Looking at Porn In my last article, we addressed the subject, “Porn in the Pew.” While we know that 64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month (Barna Group), porn has also spread from the pew to the pulpit. The enemy knows that if he can destroy the church, he can destroy Christ’s mission, and if he can destroy the pastor or staff, he can destroy the church. So let’s talk about the pandemic the church wants to pretend does not exist–porn in the pulpit. Let me start with … Continue reading →
My wife Robin and I have been on a 15-year journey of recovery from the damage caused by my addiction to pornography, strip clubs, and masturbation. The shame of my 20-year relationship with pornography during our marriage led me to keep many secrets. As I dodged my wife’s questions and let embarrassing falls go undisclosed, I formed a kind of split identity. Although the good Christian man in me loved God and my wife, the sexual addict inside me resisted expectations, boundaries, and anything that felt like confinement. Desperate to be free, after a 40-day separation, I agreed to expectations … Continue reading →