I have long struggled with lust, first giving in to pornography as a 6th grader. As I approach my junior year of college, I see the destruction that my addiction has caused and the further hurt it may cause. How can a young man keep his ways pure? By hiding God’s Word in his heart and allowing Jesus’ words and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit to reform his life. The power of my flesh is not strong enough to hold back my desire for lust. To achieve integrity, I must have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, allowing His voice to direct and reform my desires.
Integrity asks me to hold myself to a standard that honors Christ, one that flees from sin. This standard must hold true, not only when I am scrolling through my phone beside my mom on the couch but also when I am alone in my room at school with no set of physical eyes watching me. Integrity must never be cashed in. I stand on the other side of my battle with pornography, claiming this, knowing that I have cashed in on my integrity countless times but also that I live in no condemnation because I am in Christ Jesus. The only man who lives with true integrity is Jesus, whom I am being conformed to reflect daily. I desire to emulate Christ so that I may be able to look into the eyes of other Christian brothers around me and tell them of the true freedom I have lived in and that Christ provides.
Looking back at my patterns of sin, I can hardly say that I struggled with lust and pornography. Rather, I was continually beaten down by them, never winning my battle. I was a slave to my sin; it owned me. My gateway to the world of pornography was looking at Instagram at the beginning of middle school. My flesh was satisfied by racy photos of girls. Yet, like any drug, that was not enough. I soon discovered more about where my depravity could take me.
And it still felt great. The world was flashy, new, and exciting. I became addicted, opening porn sites and viewing videos every day by the end of middle school. I was fully entrenched and unaware of the way that lust was gripping me. Looking back, I can see that I began to look at my classmates differently. I could easily pass it off by appealing to the world’s standard, justifying the way I talked about and looked at girls as something that was normal. Carrying this battle into high school, I began to interact with girls differently as I continued to watch porn every day.
At this point, I was overcome by my shame and walked with a deep sense of fraudulence and guilt. I hid my habits from my parents and friends and did not talk about them with God, knowing I was living in sin. Culminating last summer, I was blackmailed by another girl across Snapchat, threatening to send lewd images of myself to those who followed me on social media. Gripped by fear, I had to tell my parents. I could finally see how I was tangibly hurting the name of Christ that I claimed, my family’s name, and the friendships around me.
This was not comfortable in the slightest. I prayed that God would handle my consequences according to His will. Christ gave me the most inexplicable peace in the face of potential public despair. This peace that passes all understanding came from the fact that I knew
I was exactly in the center of God’s will for my life. My life is in the hands of a sovereign father who disciplines those whom He loves. My first step was to confess to my family, and they lovingly took measures in their own lives to help hold me accountable. I had finally overcome the guilt and shame that plagued me, knowing that Christ had me right where He wanted me and that He offered forgiveness to me.
Since then, I have been able to get rid of my social media accounts. I was only able to take baby steps at first. I was a soldier severely wounded from battle, and I needed to not be in the face of temptation. We created screen time limits that essentially prohibited me from accessing Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram, even if I wanted to. Committing to going to bed before midnight every night if I was alone and installing a classic alarm clock in my room instead of my phone were necessary steps I needed to take in order to flee from temptation.
Standing about a year away from this culmination, my desires have changed. At the time, it was appropriate to flee from temptation in this way. But I now walk in a spirit of self-control that allows me to handle myself when on Instagram. As David discusses in Psalm 119:33–40, I have been given a greater desire for the things of God: a hunger and thirst for righteousness, a daily diet of Scripture, and a life saturated in prayer. I know this is all “Christianese,” but it is so true. I can see how God has been forming my heart into one of flesh, not stone, with new desires—desires that align with God’s heart.
Since that day, I cannot say that I have not looked at pornography or been with another woman with lust. But I can say that I know
the freedom that only Christ affords, and I proudly claim that Christ is transforming me to look more like Him daily.
Covenant Eyes software is a wonderful tool that allows the user to walk in freedom and self-control. It helps cultivate a desire for righteousness by giving me open web access. Allowing me to choose righteousness not just because of my screen report but because I know that Christ is the only source of satisfaction. I have been a Covenant Eyes user for a few years now. In the past, I simply figured out ways to bypass it on other devices so I could continue my sinful habits. But now, I welcome the accountability, knowing that saying no brings me into closer intimacy with my Creator than lust destroys. It is no longer a no to pornography but a yes to intimacy. I hope for this for all my brothers and sisters in Christ.
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