A woman recently asked a challenging question in response to my article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?”—in which I counsel a tough-love approach to sin. She asked, “What would you do if you have basically been this route before and the spouse did not follow up or follow through with his promise. Stay in the marriage or leave?”
It’s not an easy question to answer. I address the issue from a theological standpoint in the article, “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?”—concluding that divorce is not the biblically sound response. So, my short answer to her question is, “stay in the marriage.” However, if you are a woman stuck in this situation, I do not recommend remaining passive. While the Bible does not counsel divorce, the marriage is far from okay. Viewing pornography is not the same as adultery—at least not technically. Regardless, women suffer the same humiliation and endure the same feelings of betrayal. (See also, “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?”) Consequently, you cannot simply pretend the marriage is intact, despite what your husband claims or what well-meaning advisers tell you.
While it’s not your place to change your husband or try to rouse his dead conscience, you can continue to allow the consequences of your husband’s sin to fall upon him. However, this can be a delicate matter and it must be handled with wisdom. Otherwise, you can cause more harm than good. Your husband ultimately answers to God, so you cannot—and must not—become his Holy Spirit. Nor can you become a means of behavior modification. “Tough love” does not try to control or coerce another person; it merely rejects sin and declares how we will respond to future wrongdoing. Instead, you must shift your focus away from any hope of his changing and decide how you are going to coexist under the same roof while he persists in his sin.
Here are several practical suggestions:
- Accept your husband’s refusal to change as a sad fact of life as you set your eyes on Christ, follow Him steadfastly, answering only for yourself, and faithfully praying for your husband’s restoration. Neither keep his dirty little secret, nor make it a source of shame. Only those close to you need to know anything.
- Remain true to your feelings and express them authentically, yet without sin. If you’re angry and resentful, communicate how you feel with as much (or little) emotion as you want; just avoid name-calling, verbal abuse, shaming, or insults. If you find sex with him repulsive, kindly refuse his advances without causing shame and offer a simple explanation of your genuine thoughts. If you feel hypocritical sitting with him in church or supporting his career, make the necessary adjustments without drawing attention to the changes or adding drama to an already difficult situation.
- Meet regularly with a strong, mature, godly, discreet woman you trust, and let her be the sounding board for your fury and anguish. Discuss everything with her and remain open to her counsel as you make decisions. Her primary role is to help you avoid any hint of coercion or control in your behavior, to help you make godly, wise decisions, and to remind you to take responsibility only for yourself.
- Speak honorably of your husband with the children (if you have any), including adult children. Follow momma’s advice: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Avoid sarcasm, passive-aggressive insults, and disrespectful behavior. Tell them only what they need to know: “Daddy and I are having a hard time, but I’m committed to our marriage, and we both love you more than anything.”
- Do not respond to his attempts to blame you for his sin, and do not reply to his excuses. If you say anything, limit it to a simple, clear declaration of truth. Something like, “Your sin is your choice.” If he continues, calmly leave the room.
- Avoid trying to shame him into repenting. As long as he’s focused on what you’re saying, he will be distracted from what the Lord is saying through his own conscience. The less you say gives him more opportunity to wrestle with the truth.
- Conduct yourself honorably and give him no opportunity to blame you for anything. And—this is HUGELY difficult—take full responsibility for anything you have done wrong; apologize sincerely without excuses or minimizing; empathize with the pain he feels as a result of your wrongdoing; and resolve to do better in the future. This feels terribly unfair, given the fact he won’t repent, but it will help you immensely. It reduces the drama in your conflict, leaving him less distraction from his own sin. It keeps your conscience clear as you right the wrongs you (along with everyone else) have done and continue to live honorably before God. And it models the behavior your husband must choose.
Let’s face it: your situation is tragically unjust and deeply hurtful. Under these circumstances, God does not command us to pursue what is fair; He calls us to do what is right. We must surrender fairness, allowing Him to make things right in due time. Eventually, He will reward your trust in Him. In the meantime, pursue life as a godly woman without the benefit of a Christ-like, servant-leader husband. At least for now, that is what you are.
I tried this approach with my husband for over 10 years. Thought things were finally getting better. I found out 2 weeks ago that he has been sexually abusing or oldest daughterfor years. He is now awaiting a trial and going to prison. I now have 7 children who have no father.
Rachel, I am so, so, sorry for the pain you and your children are suffering. My heart is just broken for you.
I completely disagree with the author of this article. So often, women and children are unsafe in the presence of a sex addict, as you’ve tragically experienced.
I think there is a very naive idea out there that “it’s just porn” and the answer is to “be a good Christian woman”–but the truth is, many women have been abused in relationships like this: verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically. Many women have contracted sexually transmitted diseases in situations like this.
And, most tragically of all, children have been abused in situations like this.
I think what we have to do, instead, as women, is KNOW THE TRUTH about our situations, and be willing to HAVE GOOD BOUNDARIES and make the hard choices that are sometimes necessary to keep ourselves and our children safe.
Many times, separation from a sex addict is the RIGHT thing to do. And as the issue of porn and sexual addiction comes more and more to light in the church, there are new ways of thinking about it. I don’t know if you’ve seen Luke Gilkerson’s article on how he changed his mind about porn as a basis for divorce, but here’s the link for that.
I think if the church is really going to be a voice for hope in the world, we’ve got to move beyond proof-texting and instead look at what constitutes real justice and real mercy for the real victims in these tragic situations.
I personally could never, ever say to a child of God–male, female, young or old–that staying and being abused is God’s will for them. Jesus himself said that anyone who harmed a child ought to find a millstone and jump into the deepest part of the sea. I think Jesus is pretty passionate about protecting the victims of abuse! Shame on us for turning away and telling them to stay be abused instead!
Praying healing and hope for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family. Kay
i married my boyfriend of 3yrs whom i didnt love for a residential status. when we got married neither of us were christians.i have cancelled my application for the status,ive wanted to leave him from two weeks we’ve been together, because we have never connected emotionally,and we had been using porn because after two weeks of the relationship because i lost any attraction i had towards him.i am a christian now,i still want to leave him, he abuses alcohol, drugs and pornography.he provides financially and very neglective and abusive emotionally, he says he shows me love because he provides for me. i have prayed for him, tried talking to him about God and he told me he doesnt want to hear anything about it and he gets very angry and would rather spend his time with his friends getting high and drunk then comes home and wants sex. i never loved him and he doesnt love me either, so we continually make each other miserable.i became a christian about 6mnths ago, but before that we had spoken about divorce and we both didnt mind going through it, however now im very confused because i want to please God, but im sooo miserable, i feel like im in prison, and once we get divorced i cant remarry. what do i do. my marriage didnt even have a proposal, i got in trouble with the law cos of my residential status and my solicitor advised me to marry him. even my husband agrees that he only married me to help me than out of love and that is the truth.
Hi Mrs. M. I think you need to look at the choice before you: leave him and let the chips fall, or stay with him and stay in an emotional prison. From what little you’ve said about him, I pray you leave him. No woman deserves to be married to a porn-loving, drug-abusing man.
I highly recommend you read these articles. They will help bring some clarity: 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.
This is his problem not yours. I have lived with porn and masturbation for 49 years. I never had a husband .The minute we were married he turned his back on me and the marriage. This miss has taken away my health and my mind. All I do today is go to doctors to try to save myself.. I am finally getting this man out of my life. He will not change, get yourseft a better life
I have been married to a man for the past ten years with a 20 year addiction. We have three children together. I’m heartbroken. When we hot married, I had absolutely no idea he was a porn addict. Likeany women I my shoes, I started suspecting something was off when he didn’t want normal physical relations, rejected my advances, and always liked being alone. I did everything in my power to attract him and nothing worked. I finally discovered his addiction which he minimized and denied continuously. For the first seven years, I remained quiet about it and confided in a friend or two here or there. I felt like that was the God honoring thing to do for my husband. I continued to think it was me not being good enough. Whenever I would catch him, he would deny it and tell me I was just an untrusting person and blame my anger on me. His dad is a Presbyterian pastor and I thought sending my husband to him for accountability and counsel was the best thing to do. I soon found out that Paul minimized everything to them and their entire family, including a sis in law who is a counselor, decided that I had Borderline Personality Disorder because I was “overreacting” to a situation that wasn’t really an issue. I found no support from his family, instead I was the ONE put in the bad light and they victimized my husband. In the meantime, he was still surfing porn and I even had proof. I ended up going to our pastor and just wept and poured out my heart to him. They called Paul, my husband, before them and he manipulated and lied about his issue so much that they were beginning to feel I was the one who was crazy. He has been so cool, calm, and collected through all of this. I went to several coubsrling sessions with him and the stopped attending when he sat there and minimized, blame shifted, and blatantly lied to the counselor about his addiction. He agreed to go on his own to therapy,but always came home and continued feeling justified and continuing his addiction, all while blaming me for unforgiveness and bitterness. Any reaction I have had, many of which have been bad, has been used against me in order to justify himself. He has made himself a victim instead of the perpetrator here and paints me out to be the person he is towards the kids and I. It is scary to deal with someone like this. I have stayed so my kids can have a stable home and two parents under the same roof. I have tried to love him through this and blessing him and praying for him like I feel Scripture commands us to do with those who hurt us. I have also sought to control his addiction by laying down what I thought were boundaries, but he called an ultimatum. I told him two weeks ago when he got caught by a friend of mine, that he would need to see a sex addiction therapist, join a men’s support group, and actively fight this or the kids and I would need to leave. He refused and told us to go find our “greener pastures”. I did leave and drive 2000 miles back home. I left him a note stating what my expectations are regarding him treating this and that it was his choice but we needed to stay away until he could deal with his addiction. My family is now broken up and I am so sad. I never want to hurt my kids, but I also feel like my husbands addiction is hurting us and until he realizes what this is is doing to our family, I don’t feel like we are okay staying. I also don’t know how to not get upset over the labeling of me over his addiction, the blame shifting, and the hatred he has towards me over all of this. I feel like this addiction is his to own, not mine. Help. I need some godly counsel here. If it were your family, what would you do?
After 25 years of suffocating pain caused from countless lies & forgiveness, alienation from my family, children & friends because I wouldn’t leave, I am finally giving up. My husbands addictions is escalating into scary depravity & I cannot be a part of it any longer. I should have left him long ago for my sake, my families sake and yes even God’s sake. It’s 25 wasted years & he’s still headed for hell.
I don’t hate him, I pity him and that’s what’s made it so difficult. But I found myself begging God to let me die because of my ruined life, my shame, my searching,begging, my destroyed ravaged soul. It’s my fault I made the vow, I should have been more cautious. God will forgive me. I don’t ever intend to marry again. It will take me what’s left of my life just to recover enough to have any semblance of peace, joy & sanity. If you’re going to counsel women to try everything & stay in it, you should put limits on what they’re “expected” to endure. I was so devoted to my vows because of the bible that this ended up totally destroying my life. My parents, both deceased, never got to see me happy and now I can never make it up to them. Christ wouldn’t want this for me or my family and I know He loves me. I’m ending it. Asking a woman to be strong, perfect & brave while she’s rewarded with back-stabbing cruelty is a tall order for the strongest of us. I did it and just ended up with more of the same. The thing is that I realized is that I’m part of a play that he’s created to show to the world & he presents a face to that play of who he pretends he is; but in the darkness of his mind & in truth he’s a very sick, disturbed evil being. He’s wicked and unrepentant! That’s what he is! I will always pray for the lost. God knows someone prayed for me, but I won’t live anymore with this vile, putred wickedness.
My husband seems like satan to me now. It’s so clear how the enemy totally controls him and probably loved destroying me and my family through my husband while I hung on in devoted promise keeping. The bible also says after the 2nd admonition to reject a heretic. That’s the advice I should’ve clung to. I wasn’t a Christian when I married my husband or MAYBE I would have had more sense, to be more careful about character, but I wasn’t. I came to faith in Christ 3 months after we were married.
What a nightmare my life has been. If I had let go in the beginning, when He first promised to stop & kept lying; made him seek help & then leave when He couldn’t or wouldn’t take responsibility but made everything my fault. There’s been so much damage that even if he truly repented ( which seems impossible to me actually ) that I could never ever believe him. He cannot be trusted. I have to be careful not to lay his sin at every mans feet but I do have a very difficult time now trusting any man. Lord help us!
While we pray for repentance and reconciliation, separation and divorce is often the hard reality. I’m sorry to hear that your situation has reached that point.
As a comment on separation and divorce in general (not your story in particular), sometimes when the spouse leaves it finally becomes the crisis point for the porn user to get help. Jon, for example, has a great story.
I first caught him 1 month after we were married. Nearly 13 years of pornography, lying, broken promises, repeated forgiveness by me, sacrifices by me, compromises by me. I would do whatever it takes for my family. It hurts to feel that I am not good enough to warrant the same from him. Loving him is killing me. Knowing that I have to suffer his behavior and the way his actions make me feel makes existing unbearable. Trying to raise 3 boys to be good men is hard.
rg, I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you been able to find support for yourself among friends and family? So many women feel like they are alone in these things.
Luke,
I have reached out to the pastor’s wife and she has been some help. My family and friends are 3,000 miles away since I just moved away from home a little over a year ago. I do feel alone by not being around family and friends and being in a new place that is isolated geographically from anything.
It is good you have another woman to talk to about this. I would definitely lean on her wisdom. You might, at some point, feel it is appropriate to involve your pastor as well. He might have some insight as a man into your husband’s problem. Your husband might need help realizing the just how much of a toll this is taking on you. Perhaps some men at your church can come alongside him in this.
rg, if you want to talk send me a message. I’m you 12 years from now if you don’t get out and get help.
I caught my husband saving child porn. I have a son and a deep love for children. So I held onto these images, even though I told my husband & his parents that I destroyed them. I was in shock for months but knew of my husbands past of horrific molestation and abuse. I felt sorry for him. Well, I caught him doing it again, downloading child porn, so this time I involved the SBI. I have begged my husband to get help, prayed, fasted, etc. My husband ids athiest. became born again in after we got married. I feel guilty for turning him in, but child porn is a crime. If my husband goes to jail, I will keep praying that my marriage be saved and for his salvation, BUT people are telling me I’m crazy, to leave him now, etc. God is love and forgives. So I’m confused and it’s mentally draining. I’ve suffered so much mental abuse since he is an alcoholic. Lord help me…
Hi S. Counselor Rick Thomas answered your question in a recent blog post, “My Husband Watches Child Pornography.” I hope this will help you.
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.
Always seek God patiently to find out what he wants you to do. Each scenario is different. -With Love.
Wow, to begin, I completely disagree with a man counseling a woman regarding her husband’s porn addiction…
Anyway, in our family, we use CovenantEyes & are getting married claiming Matthew 5:28, and promising not to cheat on each other.
Jesus said porn is adultery. He doesn’t care for protecting sin from public knowledge, which is why he addressed the Pharisees with these words.
You are promoting keeping it secret, thus avoiding the consequences of adultery. Makes sense, since you speak like a man who has used porn. No woman wants to hear what you are saying, I’m guessing.
I have sought counsel from a female counselor. Porn will not be tolerated in our home. A Christian man who is the spiritual leader with a Christian wife who takes care of his needs (physical & emotional) will have no problem with porn. All he has to do is submit fully to God.
Bad Habits have been made popular as “addictions” in modern culture. If the wages of sin (porn) = death, and Jesus gives us Grace, we are blessed, not excused. If a man knew he would drop dead immediately upon viewing porn, he would not do it.
Most men understand if they cheat, they’ll lose their wives. You’re creating a blurry, gray purgatory for both sides by advocating a woman staying quietly with a man committing porn/adultery and withholding sex from him. Neither is scriptural.
Porn is ridiculous. Most husbands won’t do it if everyone knows about it. But Christians are great at hypocrisy & keeping secrets, thereby allowing sin to continue.
Challenge one another, but Love one another as Christ loves the church. It’s gotta be His love & His way. Summit to His authority & porn is reduced to a bad habit that is easily stopped.
The love of a wife, including lovemaking, will not stop if the woman is faithful to her vows, neither will the man cheat on his wife. Porn is cheating. Period.
Argue your point with Jesus, Mark. Not one Christian wife here will side with you, we know in our hearts it’s cheating. And Jesus agrees with us.
Christine,
If you read this article in isolation, I can see how you might be mistaken about my position on porn, the most effective response, and even my own personal history. I invite you to read the other articles here and on my blog for a more informed perspective.
For what it’s worth, I share your intense anger and ongoing frustration with this particular sin. I, too, remain heartsick over the misery it brings to both parties of a marriage. It is a living death for which we must continually seek effective remedies.
My husband is not only a porn addict.He is sexually ,verbally and emtionally abusive.Iam acristian and he ask me to do things that are wrong.Such as shoing my body to other men.Like a truck driver while he is driving.Or his friends. The list goes on. In fact he makes list for me and not only these things but some of it is gross and really sick. He is really hateful wheh I don’t do these things. He uses my being a christian and says I’m supossed to do whatever he asks.Also he says all other women do these things for thier husbands.He does not sleep with me and rarely talks unless he asking me to do these things or making deals to take out to dinner only if I do these things.
Ican’t continue like this and I do pray about this every day.
Hi, Jean
You already know that your husband’s behavior, his motivations, and his requests are wrong. You know in your spirit that he doesn’t speak for God. He is a very disturbed man who needs to seek help.
You cannot make that decision for him. All you can do is decide what behavior you will tolerate and what you will do in response to his deviant activities. Communicate those clearly and calmly without argument. Then follow through with what you have said you will do.
As I said to Dawn in the reply above your note, your case is extreme. I highly recommend the book, Redemptive Divorce. It will help you with your perspective and give you practical steps to follow. It’s time to reclaim your life.
Stand strong!