A woman recently asked a challenging question in response to my article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?”—in which I counsel a tough-love approach to sin. She asked, “What would you do if you have basically been this route before and the spouse did not follow up or follow through with his promise. Stay in the marriage or leave?”
It’s not an easy question to answer. I address the issue from a theological standpoint in the article, “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?”—concluding that divorce is not the biblically sound response. So, my short answer to her question is, “stay in the marriage.” However, if you are a woman stuck in this situation, I do not recommend remaining passive. While the Bible does not counsel divorce, the marriage is far from okay. Viewing pornography is not the same as adultery—at least not technically. Regardless, women suffer the same humiliation and endure the same feelings of betrayal. (See also, “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?”) Consequently, you cannot simply pretend the marriage is intact, despite what your husband claims or what well-meaning advisers tell you.
While it’s not your place to change your husband or try to rouse his dead conscience, you can continue to allow the consequences of your husband’s sin to fall upon him. However, this can be a delicate matter and it must be handled with wisdom. Otherwise, you can cause more harm than good. Your husband ultimately answers to God, so you cannot—and must not—become his Holy Spirit. Nor can you become a means of behavior modification. “Tough love” does not try to control or coerce another person; it merely rejects sin and declares how we will respond to future wrongdoing. Instead, you must shift your focus away from any hope of his changing and decide how you are going to coexist under the same roof while he persists in his sin.
Here are several practical suggestions:
- Accept your husband’s refusal to change as a sad fact of life as you set your eyes on Christ, follow Him steadfastly, answering only for yourself, and faithfully praying for your husband’s restoration. Neither keep his dirty little secret, nor make it a source of shame. Only those close to you need to know anything.
- Remain true to your feelings and express them authentically, yet without sin. If you’re angry and resentful, communicate how you feel with as much (or little) emotion as you want; just avoid name-calling, verbal abuse, shaming, or insults. If you find sex with him repulsive, kindly refuse his advances without causing shame and offer a simple explanation of your genuine thoughts. If you feel hypocritical sitting with him in church or supporting his career, make the necessary adjustments without drawing attention to the changes or adding drama to an already difficult situation.
- Meet regularly with a strong, mature, godly, discreet woman you trust, and let her be the sounding board for your fury and anguish. Discuss everything with her and remain open to her counsel as you make decisions. Her primary role is to help you avoid any hint of coercion or control in your behavior, to help you make godly, wise decisions, and to remind you to take responsibility only for yourself.
- Speak honorably of your husband with the children (if you have any), including adult children. Follow momma’s advice: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Avoid sarcasm, passive-aggressive insults, and disrespectful behavior. Tell them only what they need to know: “Daddy and I are having a hard time, but I’m committed to our marriage, and we both love you more than anything.”
- Do not respond to his attempts to blame you for his sin, and do not reply to his excuses. If you say anything, limit it to a simple, clear declaration of truth. Something like, “Your sin is your choice.” If he continues, calmly leave the room.
- Avoid trying to shame him into repenting. As long as he’s focused on what you’re saying, he will be distracted from what the Lord is saying through his own conscience. The less you say gives him more opportunity to wrestle with the truth.
- Conduct yourself honorably and give him no opportunity to blame you for anything. And—this is HUGELY difficult—take full responsibility for anything you have done wrong; apologize sincerely without excuses or minimizing; empathize with the pain he feels as a result of your wrongdoing; and resolve to do better in the future. This feels terribly unfair, given the fact he won’t repent, but it will help you immensely. It reduces the drama in your conflict, leaving him less distraction from his own sin. It keeps your conscience clear as you right the wrongs you (along with everyone else) have done and continue to live honorably before God. And it models the behavior your husband must choose.
Let’s face it: your situation is tragically unjust and deeply hurtful. Under these circumstances, God does not command us to pursue what is fair; He calls us to do what is right. We must surrender fairness, allowing Him to make things right in due time. Eventually, He will reward your trust in Him. In the meantime, pursue life as a godly woman without the benefit of a Christ-like, servant-leader husband. At least for now, that is what you are.
Dawn,
In most cases, I gently suggest, “You may want to look into my book, Redemptive Divorce.” In your case, I urge you strongly. Your case is beyond extreme.
I think you will find in these pages the response you are seeking. It describes how to stop “nagging,” take definitive action to protect yourself and your children against out-of-control sin, communicate tough love and realistic expectations, assemble a useful support network, and to apply positive pressure toward repentance using legal consequences he cannot ignore.
You can read the first chapter online either at Amazon.com or Google Books.
God has placed His strength within you to stand up for what is right. The book will explain a biblically sound method of godly confrontation and boundary setting. May He also grant you the courage to follow through!
I have been married for 8 1/2 years and have a 6 and 7 year old. My husband and I are both 41 years old.
Almost 4 years ago, I found out that he is a “sex addict”. I’m beginning to just call it sin. My husband has slept with probably 50+ women AND men. He has admitted to me I think about 30.
I have stayed with him all this time, but the worst part is that he blames me “If you weren’t such a b****, I never would have cheated”. I know this is a lie from Satan, but he really believes it.
On top of all of that, he continually cuts me out of his life when I do something that “hurts” him (yell, nag , etc) He takes off his ring and won’t talk to me for months on end.
I have had it. He has an unrepentent heart and will never accept true responsibility for his choices. I mean no offense to the women whose husbands are into porn, but I wish it was “just porn” in my situation. The hurt is unbearable.
I’d love any godly advice you have to give me. Most tell me to run and leave him, some say stay.
Barbara,
Your response is heartrending in its simplicity.
Our society considers porn a mildly objectionable form of marital betrayal, but as you know, it is devastating to women who desire genuine intimacy. Moreover, you have been asked by your husband to live as normal and relate to him as though nothing were wrong, and he has the shrugging approval of the world behind him.
You don’t have to sacrifice your dignity for his mental and emotional defect. I invite you to follow the guidelines in the article,My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?
Only the addict can seek help for himself. Your job as his mate is to set firm boundaries, maintain high personal standards of purity and sexual health, communicate clearly what you want, and then stand firm. When he is ready to do something about his problem, invite him to consider this sex addiction assessment tool, which lists several suggested resources to address this potentially marriage-ending sin.
Resist the urge to change your husband. Don’t even convince him to change himself. Instead, focus on your own wellbeing. I highly recommend the help of a Christian counselor to help support you during this difficult time.
Stand firm. And remember, Barbara, no matter what anyone says, you are not the crazy one here. Some will try to convince you otherwise, but you are right to expect mental and emotional fidelity from your husband.
I need help, I am living with a porn addict
Jennie,
Thanks for your frank response.
Before I address your comments, let me ask you to avoid making assumptions about me or the other authors on this blog. I can appreciate the hurt you have suffered and your anger is justified. However, please don’t direct it against me. It’s very hurtful and unfair. While you might disagree with my perspective, I am on your side. My wife and I are completely united in our ministry to both men and women suffering the devastation of sin in their marriages. Not only porn addiction, but affairs, substance abuse, verbal-emotional-physical abuse, and behaviors I never imagined one married partner could perpetrate against another.
The authors on this forum come from a broad assortment of backgrounds, bringing a wide range of expertise and perspectives on this difficult issue. Some are recovering addicts; most are not. The dedicated people of CovenantEyes have invited the guest authors to contribute articles to help equip people struggling with this menace to homes and families. Some readers struggle with porn/sex addiction. Some need to understand the dangers because their exposure is limited or naive. Many are spouses of sex addicts.
My article–just one of several on this site and, therefore, should not be read in isloation–comes from the perspective of one who believes that marriages can rise above the destruction of sin. However, I also believe we need a completely new approach to solving the problem. In the past, the church has offered only two options when one partner remains steadfastly unrepentant of sin: endure the suffering or discard the marriage. Neither is acceptable. That’s like saying the only remedy for a headache is a guillotine.
I offer another approach. One that doesn’t tolerate sin, but seeks to redeem the sinner and restore the marriage through a carefully planned tough-love confrontation. (Within the article above, links to other articles will help explain what this entails.) In the course of taking a tough-love stand against sin, the marriage may, indeed, end in divorce. If it does, experience has taught us that the healing process for the upright partner is quicker and more complete in the aftermath.
Because this is but one of several articles written for spouses of porn addicts, it represents only a small segment of the counsel I offer. Therefore, it cannot be read in isolation. I encourage you to read the others. For example, in the article “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?,” I interact with Matthew 5:28 in very detailed fashion. However, just because Jesus didn’t support divorce in cases of lust, doesn’t mean the wounded partner should remain passive. On the contrary, my other articles, including “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?,” spell out a very aggressive response. In fact, I have written an entire book to lay out both the theology and a practical plan to confront sin. And that confrontation, more often than not, causes the sinning partner to choose divorce rather than repent.
Jennie, I welcome your questions and even your objections. But rest assured, I am on your side as the sufferer of unrepentant sin.
Is there any way I could speak with you? I have been in a marriage that includes porn, exposing himself and posting pictures online to engage with other women, several physical affairs (at least 3 that I am aware of), seeking out nude beaches and then just a complete disregard for my wishes on a daily basis (I could deal with that if I was not afraid it might lead to him looking at inappropriate stuff with my son around or even bringing him to a nude beach. He lies so I don’t think I can trust him that he is going where he says he is going, but I do believe my son would tell me (3 yo) if he saw something inappropriate). I have been at this for three years and been trying the unconditional grace way. I know it takes time but at this point I want to make sure I am protecting my son and it is so emotionally and mentally unhealthy to be intimate with him. I feel used afterwards and the interaction is completely devoid of emotional connections (if I have to be honest it always has been). I am not looking for a divorce; I could care less one way or another at this point. I just want to be obedient to God (no matter what that looks like) stay healthy and protect my son and the child on the way), I’m feeling pretty lost and helpless but I know God is with me. I will seek Him and His direction.
This written by a porn addicted husband afraid of losing his wife. Porn is the same as adultery.
Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Plain and clear straight from God’s word.
As for divorce, I think a woman needs to think about what is best for her and her family. The pain I went through with my husband (whom I am still married to) is too much to bear a second time. A man who can’t commit to his wife and family and has no business being a husband or father. That is not the role model I want for my children.
What happens when porn doesn’t become enough and you end up like my best friend’s father – forcing your daughter to watch it with you and raping her. She went on to do drugs and become a prostitute. Is that what you want for your children?
What about my grandmother who was the good Christian wife who didn’t leave her marriage early enough. Her husband started raping her and beating her. After he molested his own daughter she finally left that marriage.
No sir, not for me. My husband knows the consequences of hiding an addiction from me again. Either he is honest about it and truly desires and seeks help or I am gone with my family. I WILL NOT WAIT TILL ITS TOO LATE.
so true tough love has to be used love your letter sylvia
NOW.THIS is a woman who Truly understands Tough love!!! And I gave my husband the same alternative. …repent. turn from his sins, turn to GOD, seek counsel, accountability or else LEAVE and feel free to deal with GOD APART from my daughter and I. Bless you dear lady, and may.the LORD lovingly lead you by HIS FAITHFUL, COMFORTING HOLY.SPIRIT!
Thank you! Pornography is equivalent to adultry. Always was, always has been. Porn and abuse have destroyed my marriage. 7 children later and a husband arrested for child abuse. Any woman reading this needs to understand that with addiction comes a whole whole host of other problems. It’s too presumptuous to say stay in a marriage, just be patient and pay, as if that works for everyone. I get that saving marriages is important, but so is saving lives. If a husband chooses his addiction over living his wife and children, and being a good husband and father, than it is he who makes the choice to live with the consequences. Staying in a marriage where someone is repeatedly unfaithful is just enabling that person more of the same. I know, 18 years later, it’s time to quit.
But how do you know when to leave? My husband is repentant and answeres honestly when I ask (I think) but still falls sometimes… I am trying to be steadfast but it’s hard. We’ve been married for 1.5 years. I’m 22 and he’s 28
Hi, we understand it is hard. Very hard. Here’s a video that may be helpful. https://www.facebook.com/CovenantEyes/videos/10156373479384700/ Let us know what you think and what we can do to help.
Thanks, Kristi, for those helpful words of grace and truth. Indeed, those who have trapped themselves in the muck and mire of pornography do need compassion. Love must be evident in any response, yet it must be TOUGH. The message of truth must be strong enough to break through the brain-dulling, spirit-isolating effects of porn.
Ironically, the responses I have received have been somewhat polarized. Some have called my position unduly harsh, even judgmental. But they have missed the point. People who sin and do not repent should experience the natural consequences of their wrongdoing. Viewing porn alienates the spouse of the sinner and destroys marital intimacy. Therefore, the sinning spouse should feel the impact of his or her choice.
On the other hand, some have called my position permissive, primarily because I do not advocate outright divorce in response to viewing porn. I do, however, recommend serious consideration of the “Redemptive Divorce process,” which I outline in my book, “Redemptive Divorce.” Nevertheless, I want to stress the importance of action on the part of the upright spouse. He or she must not remain passive. I urge strong confrontation and the application of consequences in the article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” (follow the link at the top of the main article.)
My primary point in this post is this: Take a strong stand against this sin, apply all the principles of tough love outlined in my other articles, but do not allow coercion or control to become a motivation.
If your spouse suspects control as your motivation, he or she will be distracted by a power struggle with you. We want his or her power struggle to be with God. And we KNOW who will prevail in that case!
Thank you for your words of advise. Much needed in my time of need. God bkess your words of wisdom…
even if they don`t deserve it, this is Grace….
For any Christian leader to tell you to stay in this type of relationship is flat wrong. Yes try, and pray give him a chance, but do not waste your whole life on this relationship. You are Gods daughter! This is sexual unfaithfulness! God knows your heart. Stay close to the Lord He will let you know . Do not let other Christians make you feel like you are not Godly if God let’s you free yourself!
Thanks, Karen.
Also u need not to be foolish with ur mate he should know God and what’s not God’s way for he ur she to entertain Prayer changes situation’s OK Amen.
This has been something that I have been feeling God calling me to for some time. Porn and not standing up as a spiritual leader, and… any other ongoing sin a man, or woman for that matter, struggle with are really SYMPTOMS of an illness of the heart and spirit. This by no means lessens(sp?) the pain those sins cause to the sinner`s love ones. (believe me, I know first hand) My point is that ANY ongoing sin is really a lack of reverence and healthy fear of God, and what Christ did for each of us. When you can grasp it, not in your mind, but in your heart, you have no real choice but to change, because Christ changes you. Of course this change is not over night, and it does take work on our part, but when we grasp in our HEARTS what Christ really did for us, we Are going to make progress, through His refining process. When we grasp what Grace really means we will willingly allow the Father to shape and refine us.
Zechariah 13:9
Jeremiah 9:7
Malachi 3:3
This is how it was for me.
If you are a spouse dealing with your mates continual sin, start praying for them, not because you want them to be better for your sake but for Their sake. Try to take yourself out of the equation for now. See them not as your spouse only, but also as a brother/sister in Christ and lift them up as you would anyone else you know struggling for the eternal soul, because that really is what`s happening. This is an eternal fight and that person you love IS worth the battle. We have to see Christ in them, and love them as Christ would, with respect AND TRUTH!
My husband was in a 12 step program for 2years. We have been to Doug Weiss, he went to Mark Laaser and took a job where he is traveling most of the time. What Seems to be true is viewing pornography usually ends up in more acting out behaviors. Strip clubs, massage parlors, chatting with women online etc. We have been through so much and I continue to hold out hope and pray. We are separated at the time and I am very weary.
Hi Sonia. I am so, so sorry for the weary walk you are on. I hope that during this time of separation you can concentrate on your own healing. I find the wife’s healing often gets neglected in the recovery process; all the resources, time, and effort go into helping the husband. And he does need to recover, no doubt about it. But many, many times, wives will meet the criteria for PTSD, and they will receive almost no support in recovery from the trauma of marriage betrayal. If you haven’t had a counselor who is JUST FOR YOU, who can help you process your pain, then I urge you to find that person. Also, trauma-focused groups can be helpful. And of course, thinking about healthy boundaries is essential at a time like this. Here and here are some articles on boundaries. And here are some important thoughts on when divorce becomes appropriate. Peace to you, Kay
This is completely not according to the Bible. You are hurting women. If you look upon a woman with lust you have committed adultery with her in you heart. And adultery is grounds for divorce.