11 minute read

My Story of Freedom from Pornography

Last Updated: April 10, 2015

Guest Author

Want to write for the Covenant Eyes blog? Share the story of your journey to freedom from pornography. Let us know how you overcame porn or how Covenant Eyes has made a difference in your life or the lives of those you love.

As I’ve slowly and methodically unpacked my addiction over the past 15 months I’ve truly come to learn a lot about myself, much more than I ever really cared about in the past. I’m sure that stems from the fact I really didn’t care so long as I got my way. It’s interesting to me how I absolutely flat out refused to accept that my marriage, even though it was founded on lies and deceit, could actually be in jeopardy and ever end, until I came home one day and learned that the end found me.

I hate to start my story with that of a broken home, but I must. I realize in this day and age it sounds so trite and complacent that so many raise the banner of their childhood to uncover the root of their struggles in adulthood. But I have to. I’d really like to slap a joke in here about cries for attention or how my father wasn’t around enough, but I can’t. It’s honest truths like that I’ve worked to avoid my entire life; a long journey of struggle and pain, but it is where it all began.

Growing Up

I don’t remember much growing up when my parents weren’t divorced. My routine was established pretty early living in the city with my mom during the week and traveling to see my dad in the country on the weekends. For as long as that situation persisted, I very rarely felt comfortable at my dad’s. It wasn’t because I had issues with him; I don’t believe I knew him well enough to take issue, but the actual divorce created a situation where things just never seemed right.

Stemming from the divorce and now dealing with a step-mom and a step-dad, to say I was confused and uncomfortable with who I was is quite the understatement. I don’t remember a gradual introduction to my new extended family; it was like they just showed up at the door one day. Being young and having to deal with this on my own for the most part was confusing. I actually remember being at my Dad’s one day and proclaiming to him in all my excitement as only an 8 year old can, “Hey, I’ve got a new Dad.” Needless to say, that one didn’t go over too well, but I was in the dark enough that I was clueless. My brother was in counseling because of the separation, but all I can figure is that I was young enough that they thought I could skate through it unaffected.

Around this time I gained weight unexpectedly. Already not being the most confident in myself, the weight gain hit me pretty hard. Food was my first retreat in times of stress and uncertainty. It was a place I frequented regularly in my elementary school years. In those days (a time I’ll refer to as the 1980’s) being overweight was especially tough. The comments were typical. The feelings of inadequacy became ingrained. As a child I would constantly compare my outward self to other kids. When something doesn’t match up, kids can really point out things in extremes. I rolled those extremes right into eating. At an early age I’m left with this feeling that I’m different than the other kids. They don’t need to deal with the same things I do. I’m different. I’m unique.

Finding Porn: the beginning of a secret life

I was around the age of 10 when I discovered something the others hadn’t. It was something that finally gave me the attention I had been craving, the affection I’d felt I was missing, and it provided me a feeling of adequacy I yearned for. Pornography.

Initially, I found it almost melodramatic. While I had heard about it, I’d never seen any before. As I think back on it I can remember exactly where I found it, exactly how it was folded, and sadly enough, I can remember the picture on the front in enough detail it makes my heart ache. It’s the damage of images that cannot be unseen. This small experience was the first step in aligning myself with a lifestyle that would hijack huge chunks of my life for the next 20 plus years.

At first, I actually used what I had found to my advantage in drawing attention from those around me. All of the sudden I wasn’t just a fat kid: I was a fat kid with porn. Struggling with self-confidence issues related to my weight as a pre-teen and teenager was my momentary golden ticket. Everyone wanted to experience what I could provide, if even for a brief moment. Invariably, as the months and years passed after finding that first magazine, the desire for “that” guy faded. Outwardly, it was thought the fad has passed and the topic wouldn’t come up as much.

Internally, I was hooked. The attention I craved came from the women staring back at me from those pages. No girl I knew in real life would look at me like that. I can rememberSo comforting and so accepting. They didn’t judge me; they loved me for who I was. This was my special world and I had decided for me that I was going to do all I could to keep it a secret from everyone.

As my time with pornography continued into my middle-teen years I began to progress with a collection of more magazines, and further to videos if given that chance. Pornography had become a constant vehicle in my life. With the discovery of masturbation, pornography merely became a means to an end. With the onset and proliferation of computers and the Internet, I never stood a chance resisting it and the instances of looking at and using pornography increased exponentially. My compulsion for pornography opened the door (acting as a catalyst) for easy justification for anything and everything. For the past 8 or so years I had been building lies inside of me to be able to justify anything: Any action, any statement, or any thought.

Living a secret life addicted to pornography allowed me to create a full false self inside who was nothing like the outside. For the length of time I’d been mired in pornography, I had been lying to myself and accepting those lies as truth. This is only my issue. This doesn’t affect anyone but me. I’m not as good as those around me. I’m unique and no one would understand why. This is who I need to be. The biggest lie was telling myself that I could quit if I wanted to, but I enjoy it and it’s nobody’s business but my own.

The Craving Grows

I graduated from high school (with honors mind you) and started college, only to quickly stop. In an effort to find out what I truly wanted to do with my life (another story all together) I decided to go to work for a while. At the same time I buckled down, went on a diet, and lost 50 lbs. When you combine this with the fact that I finally allowed myself to start drinking, my life began to turn a very pronounced corner. The weight loss and alcohol opened a new world to me. As soon as the glass touched my lips, I felt different. I felt powerful. I felt confident. With my new job came a new circle of friends who I became very comfortable with. It was normal for girls to come up and give me a hug or kiss me on the cheek. I was starving for it. I was in a personal heaven.

All I wanted was more physical interaction, and yet I was fully addicted to porn at that point. I can’t go more than a day without looking at pictures on the Internet or watching a video or going to a strip club. The attention I cravedOn top of that, being drunk a few nights a week was the norm. I could look myself in the mirror, and with a straight face, tell myself, “You’re doing well. You’ve found your own way. You’re having a good time and you’re in control of your  life. You’re making up for lost time.”

At age 19 I met my first girlfriend on one of these alcohol fueled evenings. Immediately, the relationship was based on nothing more than sex. There was little if any substance to the relationship. I thought it was great, and I couldn’t have cared less. The most ridiculous aspect of my life at that point was that my addiction to porn only got worse. Even as I was having sex quite often with my girlfriend, I would leave her, go home, watch porn and masturbate. The association I had with the feelings was something that I didn’t question. I didn’t really wonder why; I didn’t see anything wrong with it. It was just me.

To pick up a little extra motivation, I ended up joining the Marines at age 20. If the weight loss had kicked my confidence into high gear, the Marines enabled it to stampede into hyper-drive. The world was mine now and I ransacked it as I saw fit. Initially, this meant dumping my girlfriend for greener pastures.

Coincidentally, it was at this point I met my future wife: a relationship so doomed from the start it’s beyond imagination. I have absolutely no idea what a real relationship looks like or how one should be maintained. I only knew how to take. I take from pornography. I take from alcohol. I take from intimacy. I didn’t care about any one but myself. So long as I was getting what I wanted, the rest of the world be damned, which is exactly the road our marriage went down.

Porn in Marriage: the downward spiral to an affair

I accepted Christ on March 23, 1999. I don’t believe I allowed my heart to fully be transformed. While I had scaled back tremendously, I was still looking at porn and drinking a couple days a week. When we were married in 2000 it became readily apparent that even consistent sex with my spouse in a supposedly intimate marriage relationship wasn’t about to quell my thirst for porn. We went through the pre-marriage counseling. We got the stamp of approval. I was absolutely naïve enough to think I could just turn it off when the time came. I was in control. But after our new computer started showing signs of my browsing, she confronted me. I lied like only an addict could. I said what needed to be said to make it go away. She believed me, and I was vindicated.

Eventually my wife would arrange for us to go to counseling, on a couple different occasions. It wasn’t actually the porn that caused it, but the fallout from my lack of engagement in our relationship: my staying out nights drinking; my anger issues;  a web of lies I continued to spin and then lie about more in the event she called me out on anything. I can vividly remember shouting at both her and the counselor, stating, “I don’t’ want a divorce, but I don’t know what to do!” It was true. I had no clue. I had set myself up to be this way. Thinking back, I cannot even begin to fathom how I was living with myself.

Pornography provided me the opportunity to develop and hone a secret life. After years and years of keeping my addiction to pornography hidden, I really became proficient at compartmentalizing myself into different bubbles. I had established false selves. I was wearing masks in all areas of my life. I was a husband. I was a son. I was an employee. I was a friend. Eventually, I was a father. These are all well and good, but there was still another layer: I was angry; I was manipulative; I was a lair; I was an addict; I was a drinker, and ultimately, after 8 years of marriage I would add “adulterer” to the list.

I lived under this ideal that these aspects of who I was, if controlled, would never interfere with one another. For 20 years I had been building a detailed network of lies inside of me to be the catalyst to justify anything: any action, any statement, or any thought. This was what made it very easy to start drinking. Add new roles to a newly created safe area inside myself, and hide it from the others. This made it easy to tow the line and flirt with other women and establish emotional relationships with them. Eventually this allowed me to justify the ultimate line being crossed, and I would create a place inside where I would pack away the sordid details of an affair.

While I thought I had been doing a good job of keeping my addiction to pornography secret, as well as my time away with other women, my world was slowly crumbling around me. My wife was a smart woman and she had picked up on the inconsistencies in my explanations of things. She was very leery of my time on the computer late a night, and the more time I spent away, the more suspicious she got. I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I stopped taking her calls on my cell while I was out. Ultimately, I was acting much like a roommate versus a husband and father.

The Crisis of Truth

Two weeks after our 8th wedding anniversary, while I was away at work, in a calculated move, she left me. She packed up and moved, relocating to a secret location where I wouldn’t be able to find her. She left with most of our possessions, much of our money, and most importantly, our 3 young boys.

I never want to cause pain for someone like I did, not ever again—a pain that solicited a reaction of wanting to get away from me, wanting to hide away from me and not be found. I never ever want to feel like I did that day for the rest of my life. Did I deserve it? Without a doubt, I did. The seeds I had sown were being harvested. I vividly remember the deep, internal pain caused by total abandonment and utter hopelessness and despair. A sea of tears couldn’t appease it.

What could appease the pain was being able to admit to others that I cannot control my addiction to pornography by simply not wanting to look at it; what could appease the pain was admitting that I cannot stop retreating away to other women on my own. I’m not strong enough. As much pain as this caused me, it paled in comparison to the pain my wife experienced all those years. This was the only way, and we both knew it; it forcibly showed me that the cost is too high to keep it up any longer.

Turning the Corner

Riding the emotion of our abrupt separation, I made many changes quickly, and many more will no doubt come along this journey. My brokenness has led me to finally surrender fully to Christ and seek to depend on Him for my daily strength. Something else I finally did that I had resisted at all costs previously: I entered counseling and joined an awesome support group (you guys are the world to me). I have standing appointments and I wouldn’t miss them. On top of all this I’ve become a firm believer in accountability, and a user of Covenant Eyes.

I absolutely have to be accountable to someone; otherwise, I’m left to my own desires and I will fail again. Early on I told my story to my family and my pastor. From there I shared my story with few more. These are the people who have provided confirmation for me: the lies I had always told myself were blatantly false. These people didn’t abandon me and didn’t shame me; quite the opposite, they loved me and gathered around me. They supported me. They were simply waiting in the wings for me to ask for help. That seemingly simple but profound act—one I utterly refused to even entertain—allowed years of unabated growth in my addiction. My own stubbornness sabotaged my marriage and any semblance of what could be considered a meaningful relationship with anyone.

My accountability partners have a firm vested interest in my success. They love me, and as a result, they want me to succeed. I, too, want them to succeed, with all my heart. The idea that I have someone I can talk to or who can call me out at any time when I face temptation, is a huge relief. What this partnership does not do is excuse basic practical measures of prevention.

Covenant Eyes is one such measure. It’s my concrete safety barrier set well back from the edge of the cliff. If I get to the cliff, even if I don’t instantly jump, I’ve failed. The cliff is a gray area where I will justify and rationalize that what I’m looking at really isn’t bad. This is an area in which one seemingly insignificant decision can and will lead me over the edge to failure. Covenant Eyes allows me to safeguard myself. Even more importantly, it shows my wife I care. It shows her I’m serious. It allows the once non-existent seeds of trust to grow. Covenant Eyes keeps a man who desperately wants to be transparent and honest, just that.

It’s with a joyous heart that I can report:  my wife and I are back together, for fifteen months now and going strong. We are on the long road to recovery. The intimacy we have now is unlike anything we’ve experienced in our almost ten years together. She is my best friend and my trusted adviser. I love her more now than I thought I ever could. I still get emotional knowing that, when I get home from work, she and our kids will be there to greet me at the front door. I pray that this never gets old. While I know it will be a long road home, it’s a road I’m committed to walk, and even crawl if I have to. I plan to use every resource at my disposal to chart a successful path, because I now recognize: it is so worth it.

On the outside, I’m still the same guy. My clothing in this world still reflects the same old me. The power of this story lies in how I was finally able to take off the masks I’ve clung to, and to cling to the new sight that Christ has given me—unobstructed by my former sin, and it is glorious.

. . . .

This post is by Jon. When Jon is not constantly over-analyzing his life, he’s training for his second marathon. His wife Nicole works as a beauty consultant, and is currently mastering the Wii Fit.

  • Comments on: My Story of Freedom from Pornography
    1. Jeff Fisher on

      Hey Jon,

      Good job sharing your story! We need to hear more from guys who are coming to a point of brokenness, getting serious and getting their lives straight.

      Honesty
      Brokenness
      Taking inventory
      Finding a group
      Getting accountability

      now, sharing your story more publically

      Those are tremendous steps! Stay strong brother and keep sharing your story.

      Reply
    2. bondChristian on

      I appreciate you sharing, Jon. Thank you. What was it specifically that led to your decision to share yourself after all those years?

      -Marshall Jones Jr.

      Reply
    3. Jon on

      Marshall,

      I can tell you straight up it wasn’t anything that I really had planned or was even looking for. Jesus and I are walking together on this one for sure.

      so, it turns out, after facing who I had become and finally seeing the truth of my addiction, there’s quite a few people like me. Some worse off, some no so much but so, so many dealing with some of the same core issues I have.

      My wife and I began praying and talking about how we might be a blessing to others facing similar struggles. We’re not out looking per se, but in the event God provides us with opportunity, we’re prepared. It’s been a blessing to for us to see God already moving in this and it encourages us all the more.

      The decision to post this was easier than I imagined. Having shared my story many times over the past 15 months, this just became a natural progression. I didn’t feel right anymore just hiding behind a belief that I would be rejected when the words God has given me have already made an impact. If people need to hear, I’m not going to stand in the way anymore.

      I see this simply as adding my brick to the Kingdom as others have done before me.

      Reply
    4. bondChristian on

      Thank you for letting God use you to share, and thank you specifically for replying to my question. I appreciate it.

      -Marshall Jones Jr.

      Reply
    5. Justin Joseph on

      Wow, if I only looked at the picture of your article and nothing else, I would’ve completely mistaken you as Jarrod Jones haha! What an uncanny resemblance! It would’ve been fitting too, because he’s a former porn addict (also authored ’13 Ways to Ruin Your Life’) just like many of us who provide feedback here.

      Nonetheless, praise the Lord for the complete 180 that He’s done on your life. While my past circumstances weren’t quite so expansive, I can totally relate to being a redeemed man. The battle never ends, but victory is possible through each one because of Christ’s finished work on the Calvary Tree. Considering my own freedom, it always makes me smile wide to read the honest, transparent stories of other men who were once trapped, but are no longer. Covenant Eyes is a huge blessing!

      When I read the specifics about your weight struggle, I thought back to the podcast that Luke had done not too long ago in which he shared a bit about his past and how various personal insecurities had a big hand in feeding his porn addiction. It would seem that insecurity is a significant factor in what drives men to the material, because it’s so easily mentally manipulated, and temporarily makes those ‘holes’ vanish. Very dangerous of course, and why the world needs more men like us who’ve developed a hatred for immorality. I will pray for yours :)

      I’m also thankful for your testimony because it has brought me more encouragement to continue working on my own in written form. At the beginning of last fall, I started my first book which will tell my story, which describes how I came to be trapped and what God’s grace did to rescue me. I’m really hoping to prepare it for a mid-late spring release so anyone who wants to read it can. It’s exciting!

      Oh, and as a gamer myself, I give mad props to your wife for trying out Wii Fit. I own all the game platforms of this generation, and while Wii Fit isn’t in my software library…I’ve heard some nice things about it. I hope she enjoys it!

      Reply
    6. Dan Lynch on

      Brother John

      My but the similarities are uncanny…the way you describe the internal struggle, the glimpse of the man and his pain…the little boy who refused to or couldn’t grow up…truly an amazing account of what many or most of us have experienced to some level.

      My bottom was not like yours but it was close. After over 8 years of marriage during which I proved I was powerless over the lure of pornography and sexual impurity all the walls crashed in and the roof collapsed on the life of lies I had created, nurtured and lived in for so long.

      I have read a lot of material on this subject over the past 16+ months and, honestly, I have not found another article of any kind that describes the multitude of lives/masks/personas that we have cultivated and hid behind. That you can put into words the feeling of shame and guilt and the secrecy required…the mandated secrecy that leads to isolation that breaks any bonds we have…well done brother, well done.

      I congratulate you on your journey. God bless your wife and family.

      Reply
    7. Beth on

      Thank you so much for sharing! My fiance has struggled with pornography for a very long time now. After our relationship almost came tumbling down because of both of our sexual addictions, we are finally getting back in touch with God, and he is slowly healing the wounds that came from it. We are due to be married by March of next year, after we seek some counseling for what we have gone through.

      Reply
    8. Jon on

      Dan…it really is uncanny. I thought my world and life were over virtually the same amount of time ago. Spooky.

      I, too, took to reading. Reading anything I could get my hands on as quickly as I could. Arterburn/Stoeker, Carnes, Eldridge, Smedes…if it dealt with sexual and pornography addiction, I read it. I wasn’t fixed in any way but the benefit was finally, finally understanding I’m not alone. To have that one door opened was absolutely amazing. That was the initial seed that was planted that made me realize I might be able to talk to someone about how ridiculously screwed up I was.

      Thanks so much for the encouragement. To say I was hesitant in the beginning to share to this depth with a bunch of strangers is quite the understatement. Just wait until the video comes out…I’m going to be a wreck :)

      Beth…well done on turning around. I’m not a professional but in my own experience counseling was and still is a huge part of my recovery. It keeps it all in front of me were I can’t lose sight of where I’ve been. Never to cause guilt or shame but merely understanding.

      It won’t be easy but don’t be discouraged. Struggles bring perseverance; perseverance brings character; character brings hope…and hope does not disappoint (Rom5:4)

      Reply
    9. Tonya on

      Hi Jon,
      Would you be willing to share your testimony on a Christian television broadcast? It could be a help to others who are struggling with the same addiction. You can contact me at tonya.taylor@daystar.com.

      Reply
    10. Jon on

      Justin,

      I can’t say as what caused me to remember this but regardless, are you still making progress on your book?

      In Christ!

      Jon

      Reply
    11. Sioned on

      I heard of this website thu Family Life Today and decided to check it out. I found the personal stories most compelling as I consider how to understand and move forward in my marriage.

      You see my husband has informed me of his online pornography issue and from the way he talks there has been much going on that he never mentioned. I have to read between the lines. I forgave him without question the first time it came up, by the second time….well I’m not sure anymore. I’m not sure how serious this is.

      Who can I tell? What can I do? We are both Christians and strive to live our lives fully that way. I have always loved and admired my husband, but now I fear that there may be more going on than I ever imagined.

      Reading your story has opened my eyes to just how much depth goes behind this issue. Women are not like men, God made us different, so it’s hard for us to understand the male thought processes. You have helped to shine light in this area.

      Honesty is never a bad thing, believe it or not, you now have a ministry. :) Thank you.

      And any one’s ideas on exactly how to approach this issue with my husband would be great. I want to show him I love him, I respect him, I don’t want to make him look bad in any one’s eyes, but more than that I don’t want to lose my husband and have a broken family because I was too naive to move forward.

      In Christ,
      Confused Wife

      Reply
    12. Nicole on

      Confused Wife,

      What strength you show by not only posting on this website, but also by asking for help! I believe God will bless your desire to respect your husband in how you handle this, and your commitment to doing the right thing.

      I can totally relate to your confusion, and you start to question your instincts and how you feel about the trust that you thought you had with your husband.

      This is serious. Trust your instinct…and search out a Christian counselor for you to talk to, even if your husband refuses to go. I found it helpful to remember that we are in a battle…Satan is deceptive, manipulative and wants you to believe you are powerless to do anything about this issue.

      Start praying for God to shine his light into the darkest corners of your husband’s addiction. Pray that your husband will allow himself to be healed, and if you don’t already have one, find women you trust who love your husband unconditionally to share this with. You cannot bear this alone!

      Know that if you ignore this issue it will continue to rear its ugly head not only in your marriage but in your family’s lives down the road. This is considered a more powerful addiction than many drugs on the black market…and it’s free.

      My heart goes out to you!! If you need to connect more directly, feel free to contact me on facebook. :) You are an amazing, wonderful child of God.

      In prayer for you,
      Nicole

      Reply
    13. Jon on

      Hey all,

      Wanted to alert you to another project I’ve been blessed to be a part of called “Scratching the Surface.” It’s a documentary dealing with the pervasive issues of pornography in our culture. They pulled together experts in porn and sex addiction, respected authors who have written on the topic and regular joe’s like me to tell our stories.

      I actually went to Covenent Eyes HQ and was filmed for my part in this. Had an awesome time meeting Luke and others on the Covenant Eyes team. I do have to say that meeting Michael Leahy, author of Porn Nation and being able to sit a chat with him was a highlight for me. Awesome people doing their part in the battle against porn.

      It’s peer edited so you can go and watch the raw footage of the interviews and then add your comments to tell the director what hit home or what was off base. Once all the raw data is reviewed, the director, Francois Driessen (FireTrigger Inc) will compile with what resonated with people.

      Check it out at http://scratchingthesurfacedoc.com.

      Keeping up the fight!!!
      Jon

      Reply
    14. A Mom on

      Thanks from the bottom of my heart! Please continue to pray for my boy and MANY out there that they can be delivered from the stronghold of porn! Claiming the name of Jesus! Jesus your name is power Jesus your name can break every strong hold Jesus your name is light

      Reply
    15. Louis on

      WOW that’s all I have to say…. That brings me so much hope to overcome the same struggles before I get married!!! Thank You so Much!!!!

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        @Louis – Thanks for stopping by. Glad you liked the story!

    16. Kaltsuvaibad on

      Thanks for this great tool. I have been useing it.

      Reply
    17. SJ on

      HI Jon- My husband’s story and the story is very similar to your. I’m wondering if you and your wife were able to reconcile? Have you been able to stay away from porn. I want to work things out with my husband, but I feel like we’ve been down this road so many times and I don’t know if he’ll ever truly be honest with me and/or stop lying about his addictions. We have Covenant Eyes and he has an accountability partner, but I’m struggling with rebuilding trust. Please respond. Thank you.
      Worried in Michigan

      Reply
      • Jon on

        @SJ,

        Thanks for reading and my heart goes out to you as you struggle through this. Allow me to ramble a bit to maybe shed a little light on some of the struggle you’re facing…

        You are truly at the most critical point in any relationship that’s been damaged by pornography. Speaking for myself, once that trust was broken, that was the single hardest aspect to gain traction in. Trust is something that can only be rebuilt by performance over time by someone who is committed to the process for the long term. I cannot emphasis that point enough…it can be a long term process and that needs to be acknowledged and accepted on both sides of the equation.

        As the one who broke the trust, I would string together a month of sobriety and expect my wife to be as excited as I was. I was naive to believe this and was taken aback by her apprehension and skepticism. It took us years to reach that point, how can a few measly weeks make it all better? For me, it was the understanding that my success needed to not be contingent upon anything other than myself and my recovery. If I sought help as a means to make my wife happy, I would never truly be healed and I was just doing it for her. I had to find help simply for me, understanding the harsh reality that things with my wife may not work out. Only then, focused on my healing, would I put myself in a place to find true freedom. Another way to think about it is how can I work on our marriage when I’m still struggling with my own demons? I’d spread myself too thin and do more damage than good.

        Again, speaking for myself, I sought the help of a licensed counselor and a support group. People who I would give the authority to look at me, hear me, sift through my pretty language and call me out. And call me out they did. As I would leave those sessions I would write it all down…and send what I was learning to my wife. Not because I wanted to use it as a means for reconciliation but just to somehow let her know that nothing I did was ever done as a means to hurt her or my family. Did it? Absolutely. Was that my driving force, absolutely not.

        Now, Covenant Eyes and accountability partners are great and useful and I recommend them all the time as a mandatory tool to stay on top of things, but these are only barriers to the cliff. They fall under the saying that locks keep honest people honest. If the root issues are not addressed, a lock will only keep a person out for so long before the desire will find a way to be satisfied. Another computer, a smartphone, magazines, videos…are ways around the locks we think are unbreakable…unless you kill the desire for those things.

        So there were questions I needed to ask myself and discuss with my counselor and accountability partners. Are my actions simply to appease my wife? Have I truly understood and acknowledged the hurt I caused her? Have I acknowledged that my actions are damaging to her as a person, especially as a woman? That my selfish actions are driving a wedge between the two of us? That my actions are single-handedly damaging our marriage? For crying out loud, why was I compelled to look at that stuff? Those are hard truths to accept, but they must be accepted and owned for recovery. If any part of me tried to pass blame to anyone or anything other than the choices I was making, I was going to fail in recovery.

        So where does this all bring me. My wife and I did reconcile and actually went on to renew our vows in 2010. My sobriety has remained intact with only a couple falls in the past 5 years. Unfortunately, in 2012 my wife decided that it would be best if we went our separate ways and we did end up getting a divorce. While my issues with porn were not the driving reason, the undercurrent of selfishness in my life surely was. My wife put it best when she said I had done a great job in cleaning my house, unfortunately, I left the house empty and didn’t back fill it with positive things. I wasn’t doing anything bad, but my life had become stale. Nothing in what I say is meant to distract you from the very real future of you and your husband finding a renewed trust and being better for it. I’ve ministered with enough guys and couples to know it can work and people can be blessed because of it. But it is tough and takes two very committed people to make it work.

        If you have any other questions I can speak to, do not hesitate to ask.

        I wish you all the best on this journey. My prayer for you is that God wrap you up in his protection and grant you a warrior’s spirit. You are a beautiful daughter in Christ and surely deserve to be treated as such.

    18. David Macedo Muniz on

      II Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

      I was a porn addicted for 25 years.
      Now I´m understanding how beautiful is our freedom in Christ.
      Congratulations, Jon, for your inspirating achievement.
      It helps lots of husbands (and wives, too) enslaved by sexual sins.
      Greetings from Brazil.
      Stand firm.

      God is with us.

      Amen.

      David Macedo Muniz

      Reply
    19. Grace Manuel on

      Very inspiring story Jon and how you successfully came out from it. My husband has been into porn more than 3 decades now . I just don`t know what to do to begin with . It took toll on me and I am living a miserable marriage. I tried to please him in his sexual needs . I just stopped doing it anymore.

      I need somebody to send him an email regarding how his porn devastated my life. Someone to show him that there is a way to stop this addiction.

      Reply
      • Moriah Bowman on

        Hi Grace,

        I removed your husband’s email from your comment, simply for privacy reasons. I’m not sure that it would be wise for his email to be available to all who come across this blog post.

        That being said, I want to acknowledge your feelings of devastation and let you know that I am so sorry that you are going through this. Three decades is a long time, but please know that it’s not too late to find healing. Rather than having someone email your husband, have you considered attending couples counseling together? I’d also encourage you to plug into a local church (if you haven’t already) and ask them to help your husband find freedom. Ultimately, only God can change his heart, but having that push from mentors/counselors/church leaders can make a huge difference in overcoming addiction!

        Also, check out the resources at Bloom for Women. I think you’ll find them especially helpful in your journey to find healing.4
        Stay strong, my friend. This is not a path any woman wants to find themselves walking on, but remember that our hope is in Christ alone.

        Blessings,
        Moriah

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