For Those Married to a Sex Addict
If you’re married to a sex addict, please note this article is addressed to your spouse. However, there’s a lot of helpful information here for a sex addict spouse as well. If your husband or wife is a sex addict, you may also want to check out these posts:
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.
Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery.
But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Can you be in charge of your own recovery and help your wife feel safe at the same time?
You Might Have Received Some Bad Advice
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously, you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. Some of this guidance may have been conflicting. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts, and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.)
Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this. How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame you, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. And what are these guys usually told? “This is about her, not you. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. She needs to work her program and let you work yours. Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given.
In the famous words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”
You Are Still the Problem
Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. You’re dealing with enough shame already.
But here’s the cold, harsh reality. You are the reason your wife is in pain. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exceptions, your actions are the primary reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you.
Don’t Neglect Your Marriage for the Sake of Your Recovery
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Consider this: Your actions put her where she is. Your story is now her story too. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Put yourself in her shoes. Her world has been turned upside down. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Of course not. But chances are that is what has happened.
My advice? Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. Should your individual recovery be a priority? Absolutely! Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? No. But some will tell you this. Some will tell you that is just too much. What do you think? Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery? Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust
But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive! I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
Letting Your Wife Into Your Recovery Process
So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group and being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery?
You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask. (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know:
- What happens in 12-step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group (I am not a fan of this practice)? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other guys? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?
- What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?
- Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?
- What is in that book (the green book or the white book…)? Can I look at it?
- What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What has he told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?
- What else are you doing for recovery?
- What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?
These are just a few examples. Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.
If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. She has given you a gift. She is extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
A Sample Conversation
The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting. It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery. In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know. Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions:
“Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery. I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been for you. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like the one I am involved in. I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are. I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He will be helping me work through the steps. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person. I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to. Fortunately, my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery? I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. I know you have dealt with that enough.”
What Is Okay to Keep Private?
Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private. When I explain this to wives they are almost always very receptive and understanding about this:
- First, of course, the identity of those in your group. Be careful about even giving information that could clue her in to someone in the group. She might be in a support group with his wife. This is common.
- The specifics about what you talk about in group. This can be shared if you want, but you should never feel pressured to tell your wife what you shared in group. If she asks for this information, remember, she is just afraid. Explain gently that you need to feel safe to share openly and that you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she is struggling with this, suggest discussing it with a therapist. Above all else, be patient with her about these kinds of things.
- The specifics about what you talk about in therapy. You can tell her you are working on family-of-origin issues, self-esteem issues, or automatic thoughts, for example, without going into more detail than that. This is enough information for her to feel safe that you are working through the issues that contributed to your addiction. Remember, that’s what this is all about. She wants to know you are doing all you can do to keep from hurting her again.
Boundaries vs. Responsibilities
While it is okay for your wife to set a boundary that you get involved in a 12-step program and therapy (remember, this is about her feelings of safety, not control), you should be the one finding the therapist and meetings.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective.
Keep Trying
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Be prepared for things not to go as planned. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. She may refuse to listen. But you tried, and that’s what counts.
Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Consistency over time is what she needs to see. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder any effort you take to improve your marriage. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage. I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three-day intensive. Click here to learn more about what an intensive is and how it can help save your marriage.
Carol, you and your husband have clearly worked very hard to find healing from the extreme damage his addiction has inflicted on your marriage. It looks like a lot of progress has been made on both your parts and if I knew you personally I imagine I would see a ton of hope for your future together. However, and this is important, you are both very, very early in recovery. You said, “He feels he’s over all this, he wants me to be too so we can move on and become ‘normal’. I’m not completely ready for that.” Of course you aren’t ready for that. In fact, that is what is, “normal”. It would be denial for you to claim otherwise. He isn’t ready either and this is evident by his roaming eyes. I know you don’t want to believe it, but yes, he is lusting. Based on what you say I believe your husband’s heart is in the right place. But April is extremely soon to be renewing your vows. You both have much more work to do. I’d be happy to talk to you about this more privately.
Hello Everyone,
I realized everyone here has gone through what I been through and still going through. I have been married for 10 years now and I have faced every sexual hurt everyone has gone through except for my husband he hasnt came to terms until he was in a car accident back in 2013. You would think big life changer nope things got worse. So I opted out of my marriage by doing the things he has done to me by cheating so that we would have a reason not to be with each other. I married my husband when i was 17 he was 24. Yes, I know very young any ways things has changed when I left him he has realized how good he had it but that still hasnt changed the sex addiction part he still had problems. About 3 years now 2 children extra from before wen we seperated we had three older children. Now he has been on his own journey of recovery because I realized early on that this sex addiction thing is nuts because he would tell me everytime he did something wrong, i obviously new the signs dealt with it long enough to know but I keep telling my self the only way things can progress for me is I need to become selfish for my own needs. Honestly, I dont know where this marriage will take is but I do know that sometimes thinfs are better off left un said..
Hi Des,
You know the old saying: two wrongs don’t make a right! You won’t fix this problem by copying his behavior. Certainly you have needs that should be met, but those needs will never truly be met through unhealthy means. You’ll self-medicate for a bit and maybe feel better for a time, but in the end you’ve just created new problems for yourself and others.
It sounds to me like you’d benefit from finding a counselor who can help you process through the pain you’re feeling and then work to meet your needs in healthy ways.
Peace,
Kay
I wanted to thank you for your article entitled “What Every Wife of a Sex Addict Has a Right to Know About Her Husband’s Recovery.” I have struggled with feelings of anger and resentment toward my husband’s recovery community for months now and have felt a lot of shame for being angry with the very men who are helping him to maintain sobriety. I knew what I was feeling about the advice that he was getting concerning the pain that I felt in our relationship. It felt violating, pompous, assuming and just downright ludicrous. It has been my experience that an addict doesn’t need to be encouraged by anyone to be self-focused. However, I have never had it confirmed by a licensed professional until I read your words. I am so grateful for Barbara Steffens’ book and it has been so very helpful to me and my recovery. However, even Steffens’ book did not so precisely offer the affirmation that I have been desperately searching for. Since my husband and I entered recovery, I have wanted to help the spouses of SA’s have the powerful voice that so many addicts themselves seem to have found. I would love to be certified through your program.
This past Aug, 2013, I found xrated dating sites on my husband’s phone and, thinking I’d better look at his computer, hundreds of porn sites that he was using to masturbate to. I confronted him, he admitted to using these things, plus porn shop video booths for masturbation, undressing women in the store, waitresses, anyone, for future fantasy and masturbation. He had ( and will always have to guard himself from) an addiction to big breasts and “round, tight, bubble butts” , as he put it. Since Aug, the week after recovery, we have been in counseling, sex addiction recovery group at CR, my own group at CR for my help with dealing with this, a couples bible study group, and we meet with another Christian couple who are mentoring us on how to have a good, Christ centered marriage. These are all good, but exhausting. Early on in our journey, aost from the very first day, we have agreed , after struggling with what this would look like and how it would be done, as to what info I, the wife, would need to know, and he would need to disclose. I found out that I needed to know everything. Every detail, thought, desire, how he carried it out, where he carried it out, how he used women, how he got the money for the video booths, how he managed to find the time, how, and working on, why he did these things. Just everything! At first he was reluctant to dpill everything, but as time has gone by he had become more trusting of me to know everything. As his trust has grown, he had shared more and explained in more detail some of the things he was afraid to tellme at first, fearing I would leave him. As his trust in me had grown, and he has shared, my trust in him has grown. It was very difficult at forst. Much pain, many tears, feelings of betrayal, fear of repeated sexual behaviors being repeated, etc., even some hitting of him on my part. The hitting jad to stop, and I gave it my priority to think it through, seeing how fruitless the behavior, on my part, was. I wanted to hurt him because he hurt me. It stopped when I realized it. It only happened two times, but two times too many. We’re past that. Right now we are at a point where we have to make some adjustments in order to continue with a healthy healing. He feels he’s over all this, he wants me to be too so we can move on and become ” normal” . I’m not completely ready for that. I’m still working on days of “flashbacks”, remembering all the hurt that still is there. He has some small areas to work on too. I realize some of his old habits are still around, looking at women, judging their appearance if I ask him what he thinks about what he’s looking at, but I don’t feel he’s lusting after them. It’s just a lifelong habit. Most of the time he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. I should say, also, that he is almost 62 years old. He had been in this addiction for almost 54 years, and we’ve been married almost 42 years. Some habits die hard. He got out of it “cold turkey”, and the looking at women habit is the only one I can detect, so I believe him when he says he’s clean. He tells me that I am the only human being that knows everything anout him. I fully realize that there will ne more things that come out over time, but, because of the love of my father, God, I will be able to deal with them. My husband tells me that he is grateful that I stayed with him and that I helped him as much as I did with learning to open up and share in innermost thoughts, feelings, and ugly behaviors. This is, according to him, what helped him on his journey the most, besides the grace and forgiveness God gave him. I am so hopeful for our future now. So is he. We’ve put away our ild marriage and are starting a new one together. We’re thinking of renewing our vows when our 42nd anniversary comes by in April. We look forward to sharing the rest of our lives together in our new, honest, beautiful committment to each other.
Ps: he does share everything the group shares when he’s in it. We discuss it, thinking it through. My husband’s desire is to help other men i. His group with the knowledge we gain grom our frank discussions we’ve had and are constantly having. We both praise God for His goodness towards us.
this article is refreshing and insightful and exactly how I feel dealing with my husband SA. So many therapists are encouraging SA’s to keep things secret and not involve their wives in their recovery. I think that is fine if you are ending the marriage, I had secrets for 22 years in my marriage and I refuse to be in that type of marriage one day longer. Thankfully when I shared the article with my husband he was so on board and sees the benefits of sharing and being honest in re-building the trust that his acting out has destroyed. thank you
I agree with a lot of what Ella wrote in this article. However, I caution wives and their therapists that there needs to be a point where the focus is taken off the husband’s recovery (assuming he’s doing a lot of what was written above) and focused on her own recovery from what the husband did to her but just as important from previous wounds (sexual abuse, previous relationship betrayals, father wounds, mother wounds, etc…).
I have spoken to various wives and husbands that admit that she is still “policing” his recovery and not working on her own wounds, not going to therapy for her own healing (or when she goes to therapy the whole session is about the husband), and thus not allowing God to heal her wounds. Instead, she gets stuck in the attitude that her husband is the reason that her whole life is terrible – and this is after years of recovery and “sobriety” by the husband. To continue to treat a wife as a “spouse of a sex addict” (assuming the husband is working good recovery, sobriety, and active in recovery – both personal and couple) and not as a wounded human being is a disservice to her and to God’s healing of her. Enabling a wife to “act out” with policing her husband and his recovery, under the guise of continued trauma, is no different from enabling a sex addict to act out sexually because of the trauma he experienced in childhood (or for some in adulthood).
I feel wives should expect to know about the husband’s recovery activities and the husband should tell her what he’s up to (and reading the Green or White book, Out of the Shadows, etc.. is perfectly ok for wives), but they should never get into the mode of demanding to know these details. This shifts the husbands recovery activities from “I want to do this to become healthier” to “I better do this so my wife doesn’t get angry at me when I check in with her.” The latter is not the correct mindset for the husband as he needs to want to recover so he can be healthier and be a loving husband and father not to please his wife.
If you feel your clients’ lives are revolving around the husband’s recovery activities and details, I hope you are wise enough to redirect her to her own obsessions, compulsions, and wounds from childhood, especially if the husband is progressing in his recovery.
And one of my favorite lines from meetings is “take what you like and leave the rest.”
Someone once told me that the best way to tell if someone is in recovery is by how they treat others. I love articles like this because they expose addicts who believe they are in true recovery. Recovery is about surrender. It’s about serenity. You can’t have those things if you are consumed with what your wife is doing. No matter what you might tell yourself she’s not the one in recovery…you are. The truth is these men are still dealing with veiled resentment that comes off as concern and going through the motions. I wonder why an addict in recovery wouldn’t want to share what he’s doing in recovery with his wife freely? I wonder why he feels so threatened? Is it top secret? Why do we always want to put our wives in the role of the enemy? There shouldn’t be any secrets in a marriage. My wife is someone who I can trust. Someone that has been destroyed by my actions but shown such tremendous love just by remaining in the marriage and having the willingness to go forward. It sickens me that even though WE are the ones who have acting out and destroyed our wife and our marriage we continue to demand that SHE work her program. That’s insane! I don’t think too many men would work a condescending recovery program that says they are just as or sicker than their wife if the shoe were on the other foot. Only in our patriarchal society is this possible. Men are swallowing everything they read in books written by male sexual addicts hook, line, and sinker! I continue to see angry addicts in group who know nothing about surrender and continue to point the finger and their wife instead of at themselves. How sad and reflective of the population. Listen to this woman guys it’s great advice and your marriage will prosper. Don’t make your 12 step group a boys club and don’t get your marriage advice in group. Thank you Mrs. Hutchinson for your refreshing take. Take what you like and leave the rest.
“Castimonia”, you mention several things that are beyond the scope of this article. Please remember that this is just one article and can not possibly include my views on every situation or set of circumstances. What I see most of the time is that if the addict is in real recovery, trying his best to be supportive and empathetic, and keeping her in the know, she won’t be “policing” his recovery. I am saddened to see you use the phrase, “acting out” in reference to the partner of a sex addict since she is not an addict. Further, I am hurt that you would use the expression, “under the guise of continued trauma” in any context, as it sounds terribly insensitive. I assure you, while there are always exceptions to every rule, partners don’t want to remain stuck in their trauma and in the vast majority of cases, if she is not making progress within the context of the marital relationship, it is because there truly is continued trauma occurring (not necessarily because of sexual acting out).
What partners want, and what I want for them, is for them to become empowered. This happens when they are allowed to feel their feelings and express them. As MartinJ said, as the addict becomes healthier, “You will have more room for her ‘negative’ feelings and for your own. Your wife will naturally begin to reflect more on ‘her side of the street’.” Of course I don’t like the “her side of the street” expression because of the context in which it is generally used. But the point Martin is making is beautiful and true.
I am sorry that (it sounds like) you took part of my words to mean that a partner’s life should revolve “around the husband’s recovery activities and details”. I hope that you are wise enough to recognize when addicts, who look to you as a leader, are harming their marriage and hurting themselves in the meantime, by being insensitive to their partner’s needs. Partners want to heal, they want to be supportive of their addicted spouses, they want to enjoy life and the company of their spouse, they want to be healthy, happy people. I don’t mean to generalize because, like I said, there are always exceptions, but this is what I most often see. But they are afraid of being hurt again. To call that fear “obsessions and compulsions” is unfair and damaging.
I want to clarify my comment, “if she is not making progress within the context of the marital relationship, it is because there truly is continued trauma occurring”. First, it is crucial to recognize that in most cases, once recovery begins, it will take the partner much longer to recover from the sex addiction-induced trauma than it takes the addict to find success in recovery for his addiction. So if there doesn’t appear to be significant progress on her part in the first several months (Rob Weiss, CSAT, states 9-18 months for the partner to move past the initial trauma response and I tend to agree), this is normal and does not automatically imply continued trauma. Addicts should regularly be reminded of this fact. It may seem like she will never heal. He must be patient while he is also being humble and empathetic. Except in rare cases, this will work and she will heal and move forward with him. But if he is telling her to hurry up and “get over it” or anything along those lines, he will achieve the opposite of the intended effect of his words.
I got married 3 months ago, after 4.5 years with a man I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I could not have been happier. Just over a month ago, I found a strange email. Which led me down a rabbit hole, to the discovery that he is a full blown sex addict. He has cheated – with 20+ escorts – in his previous marriage, over the course of a decade. And has cheated on me 6 times that I know of. 1 escort, 5 erotic massages. There are a million other indicators that this is sex addiction, even though he is deeply, deeply in denial. My own psychotherapist, with whom he had a few sessions, said it was a clear cut textbook case. Sexual abuse as a child. Parental abandonment, shoved into a boarding school at 10, so his mother could move country. Father struggled with addictions and eventually died of alcoholism. And so on.
He however believes he is “just very sexual” and he “just made a mistake” and “cheating isn’t the end of the world” and “Sex and love are different, the former is just friction” and on and on and on and on. I went through a very bad period of psychosis for two years where I *literally* broke from reality for about 4 or 5 days a month, throwing things at him, attacking him, I once even tried to break down the bathroom door after he locked himself in there to escape me. I’m not proud of it -I was very very sick at the time and don’t remember a lot of it. My point is, he was there for me, unfailingly, unconditionally, he never once blamed me or threatened to leave me even though I begged him to at times… Every time he cheated was immediately after one of these incidents. NOT blaming myself or saying it allows it,at all, but just explaining. They say sex addiction isn’t about sex, it’s an escape response to pain. I guess i just feel like… if he stood by me through my problems and I don’t help with his.. I’m a hypocrite. And I love him so so much. I’m not sure what I’m asking you here…. I just really identified with what you said about sitting with your pain and being vulnerable, rather than being afraid of it, and losing your relationship. I feel like that is what’s going on with him. He’d rather lose another marriage with someone he says is the love of his life, than do any soul searching or explore his painful past. I am broken.
Hi Rose,
Yes, it’s very difficult when you understand that your partner’s addiction is related to his pain. It’s wonderful that he has been such a support to you in hard times. However, the question is, is he willing to be the same kind of support to himself? Is he willing to face his own issues and do his own work? There is plenty of great support out there for him, if he is willing to access it.
If not, I would say that you are not only going to suffer emotional trauma, but you’re also in physical danger as he may well infect you with diseases as he pursues his escapes from reality. If you are already at this point of understanding that he would rather lose another marriage than do his own work, then I truly believe you should respect his choices. A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce is an article we often share here. You might find the online resources at Bloom for Women helpful, and I’m sure a therapist would be a great support as you walk out this difficult situation.
I’m sorry for all of the pain encapsulated in this story, yours and his.
Thank you for the article. I think it’s critically important to remind those in recovery that it is completely reasonable for partners to fear being hurt again. It’s reasonable for them to be hurt, angered, even enraged from time to time. After all, it is a part of the process for healing for them, and brings about awareness of the pain for the addict.
Unfortunately, without a conversation about codependency and unhealthy enmeshment, your article misses a critical opportunity to advance recovery in marriage.
The truth is that the majority of marriages with addiction involve codependency. In fact it is the mutual emotional unhealthiness of BOTH partners that becomes a connecting point to feel safe initially. Unfortunately, the emotional unhealthiness eventually rears it’s ugly head toward each other, and all hell breaks loose.
Men with a tendency toward sexual addiction, often are confused because they have a unhealthy need for constant female acceptance. This need results in a lack of personal boundaries because they would rather make women happy with a passive acceptance of boundary crossing, rather than be upfront about negative feelings or conflict.
If you’re a recovering addict and you think that you can hold the card in your pocket that says “Yeah, but my wife has issues too”, you’re still an unhealthy codependent. It’s time to put away your childish ways. Your wife probably does have issues, but using them as a weapon only makes things worse for you.
As you become more healthy in recovery through weekly groups, individual counseling and daily accountability, you will begin to reclaim your basic human boundaries. You will have more room for her ‘negative’ feelings and for your own. Your wife will naturally begin to reflect more on “her side of the street”.
Instead of telling her to stay on her side of the street, you need to concentrate on your own recovery, and figure out where your side of the street ends. Her anger is not the impediment to your recovery, it’s your unhealthy dependence on her being happy all the time.
I highly recommend: Changes that Heal
MartinJ,
I am curious as to what in Ms. Hutchinson’s article gave you the impression that she would never want partners to look at their own co-dependent tendencies in their personal recovery or in the recovery of the coupleship?
CN
You know, MartinJ, I really like most of what you said here. I readily admit I am sensitive to the term codependent being used to describe partners of sex addicts because of the fact that it is assumed that every partner of codependent and that simply is not the case. MANY are not. But you made some really great points and in spite of not completely agreeing with all of your terminology I very much appreciate the wisdom in your post and your willingness to share it.
Great thoughts Martin, I agree.
John,
I totally agree with you. The article is short-sighted in that it does not validate the systemic, or family systems that influence addict/co-addict relationships.
If the individual work is not done, on both sides, there will be no hope for the marriage.
The courageous task of recovery is to “come to our own assistance” and a major way that occurs is through disarming our contribution to unhealthy codependency ..,that precipitated as well as plays a key component in any addictive cycle.
Trust can only be rebuilt when there are opportunities for risk. Continuing a power-over relationship for the sake of making marriage work is counterproductive.
While the addict/co-addict relationship may be a reality in some people’s lives, what makes you believe this is the norm? The co-addict model makes assumptions about the partner’s personality, characteristics, and behavior, simply because of her relationship to the addict. Do you believe this is way we should see partners of sex addicts…as co-addicts in a power-over relationship?
Wait. I didn’t have “co-dependency” issues until I found out about my husbands sex addiction. And being lied to over and over again. Straight to my face. I love my husband, as I’m sure most of the women who are here reading do as well, otherwise we wouldn’t care enough to do the research. But to be labelled now as part of the problem because I really want the truth? I feel sad for your future.
Of course you have a right to the truth in your marriage. There’s a big difference between knowing the truth and trying to control the behavior of another person. When we get into trying to control the behavior of another person, that becomes codependent.
I think it’s good to know the truth, to have information so that you can have good boundaries and make healthy decisions for yourself. Only you can judge whether you’re using that information for healthy purposes, or in unhealthy ways.
Let’s face it! They are liers cheaters they are unfaithful untrustworthy self centered. They sit in church next to you and use you as a cover pretend they are normal they hide what they are behind you.you forgive them only to take you for another round of abuse. Yes they abused us and all that is right.they tramatized us. They throw you off balance in a web of lies and deceit that their will will be done . No fear of God. They are not Good gifts from above. I have far too much love to give and faithfully that. I’m moving on. I think we should all just leave those dogs to lick their wounds. Funny they lay their licking their wounds after they’ve devowered us. It’s not about them it’s about us the women they’ve used and abused. Who cares about them?? They didn’t care about you while they got their jollies. Honest who cares let them love their porn prostitution let them have what they want with burning desire! Don’t stand in the way no wash your hands of their filth. It’s their sick heart! I say run and be loved by a person who can love you back you deserve love because you give it!!!!
Hi all.. I am also currently in this situation after two years of feeling that ‘somthings not right’ and/or – (is it ‘just me’) I’ve now & ‘only now’ finally realised that I was right, & it wasn’t ‘just me’ over reacting. After 2’years of being upset/confused suspicious AND all the other devastating emotions I’ve endured after repeatedly seeing things that I feel ‘shouldn’t be’ (in a very loving relationship) I now know why, & the reason I have suffered sooo long. . After reaptedly suggesting to my partner that his actions/behaviours ect are ‘hurting me’ ‘destroying me’ & our relationship he has constantly always ‘denied that the the facts/things that I have seen/found caught him doing ect are ‘at all’ unusual OR harmful.. until last night. . I tryed to explain to him yet (again) WHY I keep mentioning/bringing up the the very hurtful things that he’s done & how they have left me feeling betrayed, deeply wounded, self loathing, un-loveable, desperate, confused, ANGERED/anger, Trapped, Traumatised, deeply DEEPLY hurt, disrespect ect ect ect. (I could go on) but the page isn’t long enough’. He again Accused me of going ‘over the top’ on things, & he again told me that he ‘just can’t understand’ WHY I keep bringing them up’. I tryed to explain yet again why I do ( it’s because of how it makes ME feel) AND it’s WRONG to do these things in a relationship FULL-STOP.. he denied all and then got very upset/angery & declared that he ‘thinks he ‘may’ be a sex addict .. I don’t ‘think’ that he is HE IS.! It all makes sence now I’m Mortified.. I feel sick . I’ve been single for so many years bringing up two children alone. Battling cancer ect ect for THIS’ .. !! Thankyou for the STD.. Thankyou for the lies the secrets the BULLshit’. Thankyou for two years of hell & thinking it was Just ME OVERREACTING.. mortified- floored & feeling ill NEVER fully recover’ Cornwall .. 😥. (God bless you all .. Xx..
It sounds like you have done your best to explain how you feel, and unfortunately he isn’t able to respond with the kind of care and personal responsibility that we’d hope for from a life partner. That being the case, it’s time to consider your personal boundaries (here, here, and here are some articles). You are not required to live under someone else’s insanity. You get to have a life that reflects your value and worth as a whole person. It’s sad, but sometimes we just have to accept the choices the other person makes and release them from the expectations of a relationship that they’re not able to participate in as healthy, caring adults. Peace to you, Kay
Ms Hutchinson, I appreciate your interest in tending the wounds of those injured by the sexual behaviors of others. However, I believe your advice is almost certain to continue to feed the obsession of the co-addict. As long as the spouse of the one continues to obsess over the “problem” and “is he doing anything (or enough or everything he can or…) about it, they are avoiding dealing with their own recovery. The advice to “clean their own side of the street” is in fact the sound advice. No matter how many letters you throw behind your name, you do not change the experience strength and hope of countless individuals who have found recovery through the 12 steps.
Respectfully yours-
John
First I want to express my sympathies to all partners of sex addicts who have read this person’s comment and had to once again have that awful label inflicted upon you and all the assumptions that come with it.
John, I have to ask what “obsession” are you referring to? Do you mean to say that a desperation to know one’s own reality and doing whatever they can to find it is being obsessive? Is feeling intense pain over repeated sexual and emotional betrayal, from the person you committed your life to, a sickness? “Their own recovery”? From what? The trauma their addicted spouse has caused them? Yes, that is crucial. And part of offering that recovery is validating that it is normal for the mind to ruminate over such things for a while. And why did you put the word “problem” in quotations? Do you mean to say the addict’s behavior is not the problem? John, please know these questions are completely rhetorical.
The 12 steps are wonderful and I am a huge proponent of them. I think we all could benefit from working the steps at some point in our lives. However, I strongly disagree that telling the partner of a sex addict to “work her program”, specifically because she found out she is married to a sex addict is not just ludicrous, it is appalling. I assume you would also blame a woman who was raped because her skirt was too short or she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. No, she can’t grieve and allow herself to be the victim for a little while. She must instead focus on why she was dressed that way or why she chose to walk down that particular street or park in that particular parking garage or go to that particular party.
So sad that there are people out there that still think this way. The term co-addict is slowly being removed from the vocabulary of sex addiction professionals and there is a reason for that. They are learning that that model doesn’t work. The letters after my name have nothing to do with my views on this. My personal experience and experience with thousands of other partners of sex addicts is why I feel so strongly about this.
Let me guess John….you are an addict.
John
“continues to obsess over the “problem” I don’t think you understand the problem for the spouse is that we are trying to keep from being hurt again. It is not about the SA, it is about self protection. If my husband wants to continue putting me at risk I want to know. It isn’t my problem if he wants to hurt himself. But it is VERY important that I know if I am in danger. I don’t need to recover I need to protect myself. Not everyone is an addict, maybe that is how addicts see the world though.
John,
I totally agree with you. The article is short-sighted in that it does not validate the systemic, or family systems that influence addict/co-addict relationships.
If the individual work is not done, on both sides, there will be no hope for the marriage.
The courageous task of recovery is to “come to our own assistance” and a major way that occurs is through disarming our contribution to unhealthy codependency ..,that precipitated as well as plays a key component in any addictive cycle.
Trust can only be rebuilt when there are opportunities for risk. Continuing a power-over relationship for the sake of making marriage work is counterproductive.
Not every spouse is a co addict
Amber, you’re correct. While some spouses might exhibit “co-addiction” symptoms, many of these symptoms can be explained as a reaction to trauma. When all wives are branded as co-addicts without warrant, this can really cause confusion and more hurt.
John … You are wrong . The purpose of this article is too move forward in the healing of the spouse. While many have found help in the traditional addict/ co dependent approach to recovery ,many many have not on both sides of the fence!many addicts continue sham recovery using avoidance and other self soothing choices rather than responsible healing choices. I suspect blame & shame shifting , crazy making and devaluing of the wife needs for healing from wounds and continued wounding while the addicts continues assume responsible ownership of the range of damaging in the family . In my experience the damage … Trauma from the continued lies, secrets , blame and shame shifting further enables the cycles of denial, distortions , deceptions to avoid or shift blame and shame and the personal responsibility to choose the path of not only their recovery but responsibility to support the healing of those who they have harmed. It begins and ends with Truth, Gods Way and indeed His Light. I celebrate and honor whatever path you may have found to your recovery yet wonder the trail of unspoken , unaddressed wounds you left behind prioritizing your recovery at the expense of your partners healing. Open your heart and mind to approaches and heart that what may have been enough for you has not been enough for far too many others.
You’re right. I stayed on my side of the street and divorced him after hearing crap like that then finding out it was all a sham and he was on dating websites and still looking for prostitutes on websites. Marriages don’t work when the spouses are on different sides if the street or when the addict can’t handle or acknowledge the pain and trauma they caused their spouse. Not every partner is a co-addict. We may all have issues but being married to a man who turned out to be trolling for prostitutes and doing other discusting behaviors in secret most of their adult life does not automatically initiate me into the co-addict club. Hence the divorce. And yet I am still traumatized.
Thanks for this. Yes, you are in no way responsible for your husband’s choices. Of course we all have issues that we need to work on. We are human. Having human issues comes with the territory. But so many, many times sex addicts are hiding their addiction from their wives, and the only thing wives are guilty of is trying to keep the marriage together.
Here at Covenant Eyes, we’re trying to speak up for good boundaries, so thanks for joining in with that.
It doesn’t surprise me to hear that you’re still traumatized. Many, many women in these kinds of situations meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. I hope you’re finding help for yourself as you recover? Personal counseling and/or a group like Divorce Care could be helpful, if you aren’t plugged in to something like that already.
Blessings, Kay
As the wife of someone with sex addiction, I want to say one thing about disclosure. The one being disclosed to should be really clear about what they want to hear, and more importantly, what they do not want to hear. My husband’s therapist tried to get us to do disclosure very early on, and I knew that it was not a good idea. I knew enough of his secrets. I didn’t want to hear more. I just wanted him to stop accumulating more of them. I became very focused on a few things. One was my safety. I did ask for disclosure around things that would impact my physical and financial safety. The other thing I focused on was how he treated me. Beyond that, his recovery was his issue.
I do want to thank you for pointing out that the identity of other group members should be confidential. In my husband’s group therapy, this is not an expectation. (This is part of the reason that my therapist, and also our couple’s therapist, are not from that clinic.)
Thanks for sharing, Sara.
I think two things are critical in this. First, what does the wife want to know. Second, what is the husband’s attitude about his recovery life.
As far as what the wife wants to know, it is important she be told everything she feels she has a right to know (minus the caveats Ella mentions in the above article). If trust has been broken by secrets and lies, then it is only by disclosure and truthful living that it will be restored. That said, you are correct: if the wife has specific things she does not want to know about, it is her right to stay in the dark.
As far as the husband’s attitude, I find that a lot of men want to have a secret “recovery” life just like they had a secret sex life before. This is unhealthy for him and his marriage. He needs to get away from the habit of secret-keeping altogether. This does not mean disclosing everything completely, but it does mean have an attitude of disclosure or making disclosure his “default.”
Dr. Doug Weiss says it pretty well. He says for most couples, this dividing line is harmful behaviors. Women often don’t want to know about every lustful thought that goes through her husband’s head or all the times he was tempted to click on porn. Women do want to know about when a men visits a prostitute, is flirting at work, or is binging on porn.
What a great response, Luke!
Sara, you said your husband’s therapist is the one who encouraged the disclosure. While I have no doubt his intentions were good, I wonder if you did not receive the support you needed during this process and that is why your experience was not as beneficial as it should have been. There are so many different approaches to conducting a disclosure and most are very “addict-centric”, neglecting the emotional needs of the wife and not allowing her to be as actively involved in the process as she should be. A proper disclosure is so important in healing for BOTH partners, when the circumstances are right. It saddens me to hear stories like this that might discourage those where the lack of a formal disclosure is the one think keeping them from moving forward.
How do you coup with it? I am in it right now and I’m trying hard to stick it out but it doesn’t help when he thinks I’m in the wrong. I don’t have anyone to talk to.
Hi Faye, have you tried talking to anyone about it?
If your husband doesn’t believe he is in the wrong, it is vital that you put up some boundaries in your marriage to communicate the gravity of his choices and to protect yourself from deeper harm. (Vicki Tiede, author of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, talks about that in this video.)
I would love to hear whether any of your husbands have been on the recover and are now clear of this addiction?
Hi Jane. My husband has been working on his recovery for 12 years now. I would say that he is free of addiction, but never free of his free will to make bad choices. Occasionally, he does view something inappropriate; however, the difference today is, it’s very occasional and he’s able to realize “this is stupid” and stop himself. He generally feels worse about it now than I do. The focus of our relationship now is not the porn; it’s our relationship. I’ve written about what that looks like here. Kay
Kay,
Thank you for replying to me. I have read the articles you shared. My husband is moving out. I just struggle to deal after living through this. He told me today that he loves me, and our kids, but doesn’t love himself.
I read in the article about allowing him to “hit rock bottom” and those are actually the words he said to me a few days ago. He himself said he needs to hit rock bottom.
I don’t want to be an enabler. I want him to get help for himself but it doesn’t change my sorrow and grief I feel for the loss of my marriage…
In my mind, I imagine this to be temporary. That he will be gone for a year… 6 months… 2 years but that he will recover and we will someday be a complete family again. And the thought of that not coming to life makes me not even want to get out of bed. I feel like I go through the motions for sake of my children. I don’t talk to anyone other then my therapist because this is embarrassing. I don’t want him to be shamed by my friends and family. We have 3 children… And he’s a good father. I just don’t know… This is so hard.
I’m so sorry.
The issue of shame and not feeling worthy of love is just huge–I really think that for most men, this is what drives the self-destructive behaviors. I think it’s when we can stop being so ashamed, and instead see porn as a problem like any other problem, that recovery becomes a real possibility. Probably half the women you know are dealing with the same things in their marriages, and yet, there’s all this silence around it! Here’s the thing. Other people can’t shame us. They can try! But we always have the option to reject their shaming and live in true freedom and hope.
When I learned about my husband’s porn problem, we were missionaries overseas. I’m really grateful that my husband chose to talk about his problems with friends, family, and colleagues; I truly believe that was the one thing that turned the key in the lock and began to set him free. In the years since, we’ve been super open about our story. (Here’s a link to my memoir, As Soon As I Fell.) The funny thing is, no matter how open we are, it’s still very difficult to get others to do the same. It makes me sad, because I think there is true healing and hope avaiable to all of us. But we throw it away because we’re afraid of letting each other see who we really are.
I’m glad you’re talking to your therapist! As time goes by, I hope you’ll find some other safe people to talk with as well. And I hope your husband will, too. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, people might judge you–although I’ve found that most people don’t. In the end, when you just tell shame to take a hike, you’ll set yourself free from all that shame and silence and create healing and hope for yourself instead. It will work for your husband too, if he will let it.
Peace to you, Kay
I’m in the same boat. After 19 years, I kept wondering what was wrong. I found out 6 months ago that my husband is a sex addict. He was with prostitutes, online people and had an affair at work with a junkie that caused him to lose his job. He has destroyed everything. The only reason he got away with it is because I worked so much and on opposite shifts in order that our child was never looked after by strangers. I am not a weak or feeble person by any stretch of the imagination. Quite the opposite. I’ve tried to throw him out of my house. Yes. My house in my name. I took all of our property and money. I have copies of Everything off of his phone. I have child monitoring apps all over it. I lined up all of our computer equipment on the driveway and smashed everything with a sledgehammer. I have tried to get him out of my house. He has tried to commit suicide twice. I had him locked in a psychiatric unit for that. I used the time wisely to throw all of his belongings on our burn pile and burned every last shred. Every time I want a divorce it is met with self harm and threats of suicide, which will withdraw all of our financial support. He also threatens to skip town and not pay us a penny. I shouldn’t be forced to sell my childhood home that is filled with loving memories from growing up with my wonderful parents. I would never be able to afford anything else. Apartments cost more than my expenses. He is in group and is also seeing an excellent therapist that calls him out on his meds. He has been backed into a corner with the only way to turn is to leave or commit suicide. Why can’t my husband just go and commit to paying me what he owes every month? I am a beautiful, intelligent and gifted person. I want him gone.
I am so sorry for all the pain and betrayal you’ve been through. It sounds like your husband uses threats of suicide to manipulate you. Unpaid child support is a huge, huge issue for so many women, and ultimately finances are a reason that many women do not leave abusive marriages. I hope treatment is able to bring him to a place of stability so that he can meet his legal obligations to you. I hope the courts are kind to you, and that everything is settled fairly in the end. Kay
Oh my goodness! You’ve probably heard this a million times, but I will say it anyway. You have NO IDEA how helpful and timely this article, your company, and all your blogs are to us dealing with these issues. God bless you all, over and over again!
Thanks, Marilyn. We aim to help!
Wives I have a similar story my husband was using porn and prostitutes all over the country. In the last week during an argument he decided to tell me it was my fault for his behavior snd having to come clean about it. I slapped his face its now that I am a domestic abuser doesnt count for years he’s been putting me at risk for STDs etc now the counselor is asking me is this ok that you slapped him is this how you handle your anger. How do you like that.
I am so sorry. I agree with you that putting you at risk for STD’s is a real kind of physical abuse.
Of course slapping your husband is not a great way to deal with your anger, but I think you already know that. This sounds to me like a counselor who doesn’t know how to deal with the terrible situation you’re in, and instead is focusing on your reaction, rather than the real problem.
I would suggest that you find a different counselor, someone who is devoted to helping you process your emotions in healthy ways, and helping you create healthy boundaries. A trauma-focused group could be helpful. And you might like to check the online group Bloom as a place for support and help.
Peace to you, Kay
I found out my husband was a sex addict 2 years ago. we have stayed together as I do love him and we have 3 young children together. I understand the reasons that led him into sleeping with prostitutes, and day to say we have a happy marriage and happy kids, but I’ve been left devastated, it’s affected my life with my family as I’ve felt to ashamed to tell anyone and also affected my self esteem. I have also gone from a happy ho lucky person into a serious and angry person. I’ve tried counselling but no’one can give me any answers
Hi Sarah, I’m so sorry. I hear this kind of story quite often, that the husband recovers but the wife does not. I think there’s quite a serious lack of understanding even in the counseling world about the kind trauma that women suffer in a situation like yours. You’re wise to recognize the changes that you see in yourself. You may, like a lot of women, meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I would suggest that you find a counselor who is trained to work with trauma, perhaps someone who is certified in EMDR, which is a recent and very effective treatment method. You might also appreciate the online resource, Bloom, which takes a trauma-informed approach to recovery for women, and also educates couples on attachment in marriage work. I know it’s so hard to look for yet another counselor when you’ve already tried before, but I would encourage you to keep searching until you find someone who is educated in this area: you’ll finally get the help you need! Here’s a short animation I created about finding your best-fit counselor, so you can be informed as you search.
My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years. He was the first man I ever loved and I lost my innocence to him. We have been married for over 9 years and have 3 young children together. He has history of substantial sexual abuse that occurred for a prolonged period as a 4 and 5 year old. I’ve known this for years. He’s never really dealt with it. About 5 years ago, he started having suicidal thoughts/worthlessness/etc so I found a therapist for him to go to and he went willingly for about 3 visits then said he didn’t like the lady… And stopped going. 2 years ago, I found out that he was meeting men off of the internet. Many men. His ads he placed always stated he didn’t care what the person looked like, etc. This had been going on for several years. We broke down, cried together, alone, and he begged me to help him that he doesn’t want to have these feelings but doesn’t know how to fight them. I was very convinced that he wanted to be gay. Now, I feel confident that at best, he likes men and women. He doesn’t solicit women, only men. He said he gets a feeling of needing to feel shame. So, we go to marriage counseling. The counselor says, she can’t help is because our problems are too big to start with dual counseling, but that we need individual counseling first then work in the marriage counseling. I go to therapy almost weekly for about a year, and he goes once or twice a month for awhile (because that’s what for into his schedule). It helps some. It really does but those trust issues never really go away. And I still have some resentment. So, fast forward, we have our third child. Things seem like we are making positive strides and I can tell he is definitely trying to fight these feelings. Its been awhile since he’s been to therapy (because of financial reasons) and I work overnight, so he is home alone with our kids. I found out 3 days ago that he started soliciting and meeting men again. I’m crushed and emotionless at the same time. I need him to get help for him for the wellbeing of our children. And I love him dearly. And I love being his wife. Our communication is far from great and we have both made efforts to fix that, but it seems useless to stay here anymore… But at the same time, I don’t want to give up. He’s a great father and allbeit, a shitty friend now for what has happened, he has been a great friend for many years. I’m at a loss…
Kelly, I feel so sad for you and your husband.
I think it’s really interesting and insightful that your husband is able to verbalize that he “gets a feeling of needing to feel shame.” Whatever his sexual orientation, I would say that shame is the driver of these self-destructive (and relationship-destructive) behaviors that your husband exhibits. That’s what he needs to get to in therapy.
But he has to be ready and willing to do that.
I think the real question for you is: what boundaries are healthy for you, when he’s continuing in those shame-invoking choices for himself? I think you have to consider whether your physical health at risk because of his risky sexual behaviors. Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries. Sadly, sometimes separation or divorce becomes the healthiest option. Here’s Luke Gilkerson’s article on that. I think those are questions you have to answer for yourself in a situation like this.
Peace to you,
Kay
Your not alone…. sad to say far too many of us. I don’t think they can recover. I don’t think the problem is the manifestation of sex addiction I think it’s self love. Love and empathy . We do right because of love and empathy without these things man is lawless and no restraint.
I have realized after reading all these posts that I am truly not alone. After 25 years of marriage, I discovered my husband cheating on me in August. He withdrew a large sum of money from our equity line and met a woman at a hotel. That same week I discovered he charged nearly 15,000.00 to credit cards to some clubs and hotels. Needless to say I was devasted.. I confronted him and he blamed me. He has since apologized and told me he needs help. He is in therapy but he never wants to talk about it. I know he is still inquiring and meeting women because I check his cell phone when he least expects it. He deletes his text regularly but he forgets sometimes. He was introduced to morn at a young age and I think his mind is forever warped. I know he loves me and our sons but I think he loves the idea that other women want him even if he has to pay for it. I just looked at his cell phone today, Christmas Day, and he is meeting up at noon Tom with a “whatever” his pleasure is.
Brilliantly written. I will be sharing this with all my clients. Thank you!
Thanks for saying so! Glad you stopped by!
Why is it okay and permissible for addicts to speak about their wives and complain in general? At COSA meetings no crosstalk is allowed and you are never allowed to speak of your problems with your husband’s actions. It’s called being a co addict or co dependent if you focus on his actions…it doesn’t seem really fair.
My husband has been viewing porn and using the same prostitutes all over the country. I only found out Memorial Day weekend. He kisses them and performs oral sex on them!! He’s spent vast amounts of money on prostitutes and fancy hotels to take them to. This has gone on our entire 12 year marriage.
Marsha, I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what to say about your husband’s choices, but here’s what I want to say to you: find a therapist for yourself right away. Find that safe person who can help you process your emotions, and decide on healthy boundaries for you. Many, many women in this situation will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD, so please get the help and support you’ll need to cope. Peace to you, Kay
I brought lust and a porn habit into our marriage that led into a porn addiction.
But one thing on this page that bothers me is that my wife never had sex with me for 2.5 years into our marriage. I was a married virgin struggling to have self control, to turn my head and guard my thoughts. And to keep my internet usage clean. And she wasn’t there for me. Even after we magically had sex for the first time, she only wanted it on rare occasion or when she decided she wanted to have a baby, and she then used me to get her pregnant. And after each pregnancy, 3 total, she would go back to making me beg for affection and sex. You don’t know how many nights I cried and begged her to sleep with me. Even when I told her about the temptation to just masturbate or look at porn. She didn’t care and when on occasion I had begged enough she might let me but about 2 minutes into the act she would complain saying hurry up or what is taking so long?
She was mildly abused as a young girl not rape, and not that bad of a abuse. But she was abided none the less. I tried to understand that be there for her and etc… But I think she uses it as an excuse to abuse and torment me. For one reason I say that is because she also has withheld, spiritual, emtionaI, abs non sexual affection from me for no apparent reason. But then tells me she wants a divorce every month for 6 years then I come home on day from a trip, I then proceed to have a nervous breakdown in front of her and I tell her I want to leave her for a woman I developed a crush on. This woman was kind to me. My wife cried like a baby. We are in marriage counseling at my demand, she keeps telling me she doesn’t want to go back and has skipped one session. I didn’t marry my wife to have
Sex, I married her because I love her. But I didn’t get married to starve sexually and emotionally. I feel as if I have been tortued for 6 years. My therapist says I’m a sex addict, which I agree with and I realize the porn addiction is my fault. But I’m angry at my wife and blame her to a degree I never wanted porn, I wanted her and she didn’t care and who knows if she would have been there for me I may not have ever developed an addiction. Afterall I had quit porn for months at a time to only start back up again every time my relationship failed to even try to meet my desires. I’m ashamed, hurt, sorry for what my actions has done to hurt her but at the same time the resentment for my poor sexual relationship and my addiction, is almost unbearable.
Joe, I am so, so sorry. I can just feel your pain and frustration in what you wrote here, and I want to thank you for being so open and honest. The fact that you care this much gives me a great deal of hope for your relationship, and I want to encourage you not to give up.
I have two ideas to offer here.
First, I don’t think you’re ever going to have good sex without a good relationship. However your relationship started out, it sounds pretty painful now. So I would love for you guys to work on the overall marriage relationship if you are able. Look into the research of John Gottman. He is the nation’s foremost expert on marriage relationships, all his stuff is research based and super accessible to normal people like us. One of his very basic findings in research is that a successful marriage is based on the quality of the friendship, and you can work on the quality of that friendship even as you’re working on other issues. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is an excellent book with quizzes at the end of each chapter so you can read and discuss, tells you exactly how to build that friendship you need right now. I wrote an article a while back based on Gottman’s idea of building emotional trust, which is just crucial, not rocket science–and something I think men especially are not trained to do. I just find his stuff to be incredibly helpful and easy to do.
Second, you didn’t mention whether your wife has ever had any therapy for her sexual abuse history. Also, pornography use by the husband is highly traumatizing for a wife. Many, many women will meet the criteria for PTSD when their husbands use porn. So to me, it looks like she already had sexual trauma and now she’s had more. Marriage counseling may not be the best fit for her under those circumstances. My experience with marriage counseling is that it’s often focused on fixing what’s wrong in the marriage, and unfortunately the wife’s trauma is often overlooked. As a counselor, I often see women in this situation: their husbands aren’t looking at porn and the marriage is “saved” but the wife’s trauma has been totally ignored.
I think your wife needs to find a counselor, just for her, someone who has real experience helping women with trauma and sexual abuse histories. Follow that link for profiles you can search.
Here’s an animated short about finding a best-fit counselor so she can feel informed as she makes that decision.
Again, I’m so glad you wrote in. I think there’s great hope for you both, if your wife gets the healing she needs.
Peace to you, Kay
This is actually the second time that I’m going through this with my husband. The first time was 3 years ago November 1st. I woke up early that morning and found his phone on the livingroom floor next to his chair. As I pick it up I had this strange desire to look through his phone. When I did, I saw a text message to an unknown (I later found out that she was a prostitute) person asking if they had time for a quickie. After confronting my husband and 2 weeks worth of research and digging, I found out that he had been placing and answering ads on Craigslist personals and had been with several different people (men and women) including prostitutes. Everyone was so concerned about my husband getting the help he needed and just kind of forgot all about me and how I was doing. Up until that day I had thought I had the closest thing to a perfect marriage as there was so I was beyond devastated. My husband was in therapt through the V.A. (which I kind of thought was a joke at the time) and he also counseled with our Pastor at our Church. I ended up finding a good counselor that helped me a lot. For the last 3 years my husband has told me that God delivered him from his addiction and he was healed. I know that God does amazing things and I knew this was possible. Unfortunately my husband’s actions and the way he was treating me was telling me different. Reluctantly I stayed in the marriage because I loved him so much and I wanted to help him and we have a little girl that didn’t deserve to go through what a divories would bring.
Well, the story continues…
Four days ago I found out for sure that my husband has never really stopped the pornography. He swears up and down that he has not been with anyone in the last 3 years and says it’s only been the pornography. I’m having a hard time believing this to be true. I made him move out of our house immediately. Now he is blaming it all on me for the most part with very little remorse. He says he’s going back to therapy again but once again it’s through the V.A. and I’m convinced that’s a joke now. He is also back couseling with our Pastor again. I feel like everyone is just playing games with this instead of being straight with him about what he has done. I think he has destroyed me at this point.
Judy, I am so, so sorry. Your story just breaks my heart. I do want to commend you for this incredible act of courage, in allowing your husband to have the consequence of his choices this time around. Of course God is capable of redemption, but he never, ever interferes with our free will. I think this is something that we all need to learn as well: when someone makes those choices, we have to allow them to have what they have chosen. That is painful and terrible but absolutely necessary.
You are a brave, brave woman.
I hear from women all the time that their husbands got all the help, all the support, and the wife is basically neglected in the recovery process. Many, many times women will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD in situations like this, but will receive almost no help. As brave as you’ve been with your boundaries, I know you’ve got the courage to seek help for yourself in this now. Find a counselor for YOU, someone who will help you process your emotions, someone who will support you in these boundaries and celebrate the courageous woman that you are. There are directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors and also Psychology Today. You may want to look for someone who specializes in the treatment of trauma, perhaps someone who has an EMDR certification.
You might appreciate this podcast from OnBeing, which talks about trauma recovery. You might also like this animation on gaslighting, because I’m sure your husband is going to be gaslighting like there’s no tomorrow right now. Stand strong in your boundaries, hold to the truth, and be free.
Right now, you feel destroyed. And I totally understand that. But I want to tell you that there is help, there is hope, there is healing. He has made terrible, devastating choices. But you can choose to be well and whole. Find that counselor who’s just right for you, get that help and support.
Peace to you, Kay
He has a masturbations problem but I’m not sure about porn… He deleted his browsing history. I have found hook up sights on my husbands tablet today, the last time this happened he told me if I can’t trust him he’s not staying with me… We had been split up for a week at that point. I accepted it the first time but he became very agitated and at this point I don’t know what to do because he seems to not realize he has a problem… Do I tell him i found yet another one…I personally am going through counseling for abuse a child, 2 previously failed relationships due to porn and cheating and my inability to see my worth. I’m afraid I won’t make it through this but I want to be with him. Sorry this is so long I just an going through so much and have no idea how to get through this and I feel so alone.
Hey there. Well, I think you have to trust yourself. I’m so glad you’re in counseling already, and I think this is something to talk through with your therapist. What does this current situation mean for your personal boundaries? Is it healthy for you to live with someone who has these behaviors but doesn’t recognize their impact on you? These are questions only you can answer.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can make it through! YOU can be healthy and whole. Talk with your therapist, and make good choices for you.
Peace, Kay
Thank you for this article as I try to start my recovery from my husband’s addiction! It is still very raw for me. I’d like to continue to follow in the hope of sharing and healing
I am so sorry to read all the stories here, My husband is a sex addict. I have caught him looking at porn a few times, he also had an affair with a young lady( and I use this term lightly) at our church, She says he offered her money . At this point we had only been married 1 month!! I forgave him at the urge ring of our pastor. FF three years later and I am setting at a Planned Parenthood clinic too ashamed to go to my private Dr, The Doctor there is telling me that I have three STDS I fainted!! I am done. I went home changed the locks and packed all his belongings and went today to see a lawyer. God bless us all.
Denise, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I feel so angry that your pastor urged you to stay with your husband, when your husband was clearly not committed to you. I’m so glad you have been able to find help through Planned Parenthood–I’m happy that my tax dollars did some good for you! And I’m so glad you had the courage to change the locks and see a lawyer. Your safety and well-being is absolutely of paramount importance, and I’m so thankful that you’re able to take care of yourself this way. Sending love and prayers to you as you heal, Kay
Thank you, thank you so very much. I’am one of these wives and your article gave me more peace than any book I have read on sex addiction in the last 6 years. Poignantly written and very true!!
OMG! It’s was like you were writing about my husband problem and the reason we are going through a divorce, after 17 years.. I stopped or go CRAZY!
OK. My husband has been a porn addict since the age of five. When his 14 Year old brother started showing him porn. Yeah. Great older brother. My husband is 51 still watching porn, even at work all day. Masturbating up to 20 times a day to porn. I the wife have pretty much gone without for the last 11 years. We been married 18. He has lied. Cheated. Snuck around. Tried to screw a friends wife while intoxicated. Tried to screw my girlfriends. Made out with the neighbor in my new house on my new furniture. It goes on and on. So now I told him. Get therapy or I’m getting a divorce attorney. At first he choose divorce. Then changed his mind. Well now he talks to some guy online twice a week. We pay $75.00 for every 30 minutes they talk. All out of pocket. So after four sessions. My husband still watches porn and masturbates every day. We should of just burned the money. The sessions are useless. I don’t care what they talk about or where. Teach him to not play with his penis to porn. A penis goes in a vagina. NOT your hand. I’m 54 I could hit menopause any day. I don’t have time to waste. There is right and there is wrong. Teach it. Listen to it. Learn it. Put the tools to constructive use. I have NO patience for someone who is so weak and uses this as a crutch. I feel like the money we are wasting on this therapist would be better spent on a divorce lawyer. I’m very angry and I feel very betrayed. Oh I already go to a counselor of my own. His advise. If my husband doesn’t change. Our marriage won’t last. So how can you help this nightmare.
Hi Judi,
First of all, your husband is a sexual abuse victim. That doesn’t excuse his choices, but it’s a context for the struggle that he has, and something he would need to face and deal with in therapy. The things he’s done are not simply behaviors, they are expressions of an abuse history and deep pain. He would need to face that in therapy for true recovery, I think.
Secondly, you are not required to be a victim of your husband’s choices. You are free to choose boundaries that are healthy and right for you. Here, here, and here are some articles that may help. I’m sure your therapist is talking with you about healthy boundaries, including the boundary of divorce. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
“Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.”
WFT?
“Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.”
WFT? Given the “it not your fault….you can’t control it etc etc” why on earth should I be “blow away” to be dragged further in to the entire sordid tale….. I married in good faith….the same CAN NOT be said for any sex addict who had problems before he said “I do” that then proceeds to rain down merry hell on their, it seems typically pregnant, wives
Yes, I think setting this up as “your wife will be so pleased with you” is…probably gaslighting the victim, actually, setting her up to only have ‘acceptable’ emotions that won’t make the man feel too bad. In reality, men should be doing their work in recovery regardless of how anybody else feels about it, just because it’s the right, healthy, and responsible thing to do. Women shouldn’t be forced into certain responses. Thanks for pointing that out!
It’s more of a “I don’t know what to do”. My husband has been a SEVERE porn addict most of his life. We’ve been married 8 years. I found out a year ago, that he had been deceiving his mentor and myself the entire marriage. Working around the CE system as well. He learned to look at the images and not log on to these sites. He could still see enough. He would look at pornography on Facebook, because the URL doesn’t registeron CE. He was using my friends, old girlfriends, and porn sites for masturbation material. He had been a chronic masturbator at work, and to top it all off, he’s been looking at bestiality throughout the entirety of our marriage. He’s broken boundaries like having lunch with the opposite sex, and lyingby omission about it. He has sat behind closed doors with a co worker repeatedly, breaking that boundary as well. He will admit it, only if I ask him the right question. It’s “supposedly” been a year since he’s looked at any form of porn, or masturbated at work. He now thinks he should be allowed to be on social media. I’m not okay with it, and of course he makes me feel that some he’s “over it”, I should be too . When does he get to be forgiven, he asks. It’s not that easy. If ANYONE ever came to me, and told me everything I just wrote to you, I would have told them to RUN and never look back. I of course am the only one who knows the extent of the addiction . That’s not fair. I don’t have any respect for him anymore, I can’t stand sex with him, and can’t get over the fact that he watched people have sex with animals and masturbated to it, even after he became a believer. I have 3 grandchildren. I watch him live a HAWK now with them. I’ve never seen him touch them inappropriately…not once. But I can’t get over the deviant porn habit. EVERY SINGLE DAY IS A STRUGGLE!!!!!!!
Hi, there are no easy answers; there’s not one right answer. You just have to take the information, process it, and decide what’s right for you going forward. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions, and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries that might be helpful as you think things through. A support group would be great, too. And you might appreciate the online resources at Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and well! You have a right to take care of yourself. Only he can choose his recovery.
Peace to you, Chris
I stared this journey in December 2017. Caught my husband masturbating and at that time he lied to me and said he hardly ever does this, said no on porn etc. I didn’t believe him. So I set up a camera and for three months I caught him using porn, masturbating many times a week, etc. I got so sick from the stress of it all I ended up in then hospital. After four months of his lies, the last time was in April 2018. I saw him again on camera, asked him yet again, he lies yet again that no he hadn’t masturbated but I knew he was lying because I had it on camera. So I told the Lord if he lies again I would tell him about everything I knew, the camera, the woman he had eyes on, etc. He lied yet again so I told him everything. I made him tell me who this woman was and found out it was a salesperson who came into his work. He said he hadn’t had an affair with her physically, just all in his mind. He got into a counselor immediately and we began looking for a group for him and me, and found Pure Desire group for him and Betrayal and Beyond for me. I’ve found that the Betrayal and Beyond group has been a life saver for me. Thankfully he is still attending his group. I just wish he was more proactive in his own recovery more than when I’m pushing him. It’s hard to not be codependent with all of this. I want to believe him but I simply have a hard time believing him because he’s spent so many years lying to me and hiding all of this from me. I’m printing this article for him so maybe he will get what I’ve been saying. Thanks for having great articles for us out here dealing with this.
I’m so glad you’ve found support at Betrayal and Beyond in this.
Of course your trust will take time to recover, and will require a lot of trustworthy behavior from him. I’ve realized that trust is both behavioral and emotional: here are some thoughts on that.
And I’d just say this as well: don’t overlook the trauma that you’ve been through. If you find that you’ve got ongoing symptoms, you might want to find a therapist who’s trauma informed and EMDR certified, so you can leave those past experiences in the past. I’m sure the present is enough to deal with! Bloom for Women is a great online resource that trauma-informed as well.
Peace to you,
Kay