Every day on our blog, women post comments telling their stories and asking for help because their husbands use pornography. As I answer the comments, I’m noticing some common themes. I’d like to share what I’m seeing, because it may be helpful to other women as they evaluate and respond to their own situations.
- The first theme is about pornography use: what are men doing?
- The second theme is about a spouse’s response: what are women (spouses and partners) doing?
A Spectrum of Unhealthy Pornography Users
From the stories women tell me, I see four general types of porn users. There may be more types, and variations of these types, but these are the types I hear about most often.
1. The Occasional User
I tend to hear about this guy from younger women who are dating, engaged, or newly married.
The Occasional User wants to stay free, but struggles with temptation at various times. He probably hasn’t been in treatment for porn, but he may not have done much toward preventing it yet, either.
The Occasional User’s biggest enemies: bad Internet habits, lack of accountability, secrecy, and shame.
2. The Serious User
I hear about the Serious User from a wife who’s recently discovered his porn use.
When confronted, the Serious User wants to change and takes action toward accountability and recovery. The Serious User makes progress in recovery, although he will likely experience slip-ups in the process. It may be 3 to 5 years before he feels truly free from porn.
The Serious User’s biggest enemies: bad Internet habits along with other negative life habits that support pornography use, discouragement at setbacks in the recovery process, secrecy, and shame.
3. The Recovery Addict
The Recovery Addict appears to sincerely repent, has been to therapists, has attended groups, has prayed and fasted and read the Bible at various times. However, he never seems to make much progress in recovery. When he slips up, he can’t seem to get back up again; he falls into the pit and stays there until sufficiently dramatic threats force him into recovery again.
When I see a Recovery Addict, I start thinking that maybe recovery is part of an addictive cycle. In his so-called “recovery” phase he may get chemical stimulation via the attention he receives, his tearful repentance, etc. Once the drama of recovery wears off, the addict needs porn again.
The Recovery Addict’s biggest enemy is probably a lack of insight.
4. The All-In Addict
The wife or partner of the All-In Addict is either very angry or very shut down emotionally. She may swing back and forth between those emotions regularly, depending on the addict’s behavior.
The couple may have been in therapy at various times, but now the All-In Addict may be very blatant about his porn use. He may have escalated to other behaviors, and he may have issues with erectile dysfunction, but nothing seems to shift his interest in porn.
The All-In Addict’s biggest enemy is the addiction itself, which has taken over his life.
So, how can you tell what kind of porn user you’re dealing with, outside of the user’s self-report?
Here’s the very best evaluation question I know.
Can your partner…
- see the impact of his choices on you,
- care about how his choices impact you, and then
- work toward choices that are more healthy for the relationship?
If you say no to these—if your partner can’t see, doesn’t care, and refuses or is unable to work towards a healthy relationship—then I’d say you have some kind of addict on your hands. The Recovery Addict might appear to respond, but over time, you realize he just isn’t able to care about you very much. The All-In Addict may just say, “I don’t care.” That leaves you, I think, in a very sad and sobering situation. If you find yourself in that place today, I would encourage you to seek support immediately with a personal counselor.
A Spectrum of Unhealthy Spouse Responses
No matter where your partner falls on the spectrum—Occasional User, Serious User, Recovery Addict, or All-in Addict—you’ve got to decide how to respond.
Let’s face it: initally, most of us don’t respond in healthy ways. We don’t know what healthy ways would even look like. We’re just freaked out and doing whatever.
I think women tend to respond along a spectrum of two extremes: All or Nothing.
1. ALL
“All” says, “If you ever do this again, I will leave you.” The “All” person puts herself in charge of every device. “All” chooses the counselor, schedules the sessions, and drops off the spouse at group therapy. “All” is all about control.
2. NOTHING
“Nothing” says, “Well, I tried, and there’s nothing I can do except live with it.” The “Nothing” person may have been an “All” person before, but time has beaten her down, and she’s just given up on her partner ever changing. “Nothing” may have been told by her church that her husband will be “won without a word” so she should just do nothing and wait.
Let me say that I think it’s normal to be very upset and even traumatized by discovering a partner’s pornography use. I think it’s normal to do whatever you can think of to try and change the partner’s clearly unhealthy patterns of behavior, so that the relationship can be saved. Sometimes “All” makes sense to us; sometimes “Nothing” makes sense.
However, our unhealthy responses don’t do any good. They don’t make change, they just make crazy.
What Healthy Reactions Look Like
Our unhealthy responses are all directed at the other person, and as such those responses are destined to fail.
The reason is this: God did not put us in charge of our partner’s free choices.
God did not even put Himself in charge of our partner’s free will. Our partners are in charge of their own free will.
Change happens when our partners choose to cooperate with God toward healthy living, not when we somehow force, threaten, or manipulate things just right.
Our job, our only job, is to use our own free will in cooperation with God toward healthy living.
What does it look like to cooperate with God toward healthy living?
- Have good boundaries (here’s a brief summary of boundaries).
- Seek support for yourself, in personal counseling and/or group therapy like Celebrate Recovery.
- Educate yourself in issues of male sexuality and pornography use in general.
- Trust again only when you see trustworthy behavior over time.
- Allow yourself to recover at your own pace, apart from your partner’s recovery pace.
- Stop all behaviors that are directed toward changing the addict.
- Stop all behaviors that are directed toward pacifying the addict.
- Expect your partner to take responsibility for himself and his habits.
- Expect to know and understand the steps he is taking in recovery.
- Expect transparent conversations and openness.
- Work toward understanding, and a growing ability to talk about recovery together.
- Hang in there. Use your support network. Be smart. Keep your brain turned on at all times.
- It can take several years to see full recovery; meanwhile, you should see progress. If you don’t see progress, maybe you’ve got an “all-in addict” instead of a user. In that case, expect the addict to take full and complete responsibility for recovery. Continue to access your support system. Guard your physical health from STDs with abstinence if necessary. Separate from the relationship if you need to.
Here’s a listing of other articles for spouses you may find helpful.
i’ve had almost 3 years of therapy during our marriage recovery, its always the same, he is adament it will never happen again and makes all these changes then when things settle to normal and i finally trust him after a couple of years, thats exactly when he tends to relapse and i believe its because he also relaxes when i trust him and then there is no adrenalin. After being discovered there is zero chance of relapse for at least 6 months but the damage to me is simply that fact, that by then i have processed and begun to heal and to trust. I just dont know if i can take another bout in the ring with this. I just need to know if there is any hope at all i suppose. i cant go though another few years and find out “i didnt quite get the root but this time i will” :( He is always miraculously ‘delivered’ after discovery. It has just never been permanent and the whole cycle of discovery and purging the guilt seems as significant as the pornography use itself. It leaves me a really unstable foundation to try to rebuild trust on.
Yes. The whole “miraculous deliverance” model is highly suspect the first time around, much less when you’ve seen it over and over. It’s so discouraging as the spouse to invest in the process only to find yourself back at square one! Has he read any of the Pure Desire materials? I think those have a really well-rounded recovery perspective, way on beyond “miraculous deliverance.”
I hope that the therapy you’ve been in has been supporting YOU well? Sometimes therapy around this issue can get so focused on the addict’s issues that the spouse doesn’t get adequate care.
I don’t know if these articles will help at all, but I’ve written about knowing how my husband and I were on the same team, and how he learned to turn toward me instead of turning toward porn.
Real recovery is not just an absence of a porn habit. Real recovery is a vital relationship. I think a lot of our recovery efforts get focused on “don’t look”–which is a fine place to start! But if it never goes beyond that into a deep connection–then falling back into porn is almost inevitable, I’d say.
Have a look at those articles and let me know what you think… Kay
can anybody advise on what to do with a ‘recovery addict ‘ and if there is any real hope once the drama wears off?
Hey Elizabeth, I think your best bet with a “recovery addict” is serious boundaries. I know it’s his issue, but it impacts you hugely and you’re going to have to decide what you’re going to do to be healthy. You would do well to go to therapy FOR YOURSELF, and to attend a 12-step group like SANON FOR YOURSELF if you can find it in your area. Celebrate Recovery might also be a good alternative, as it’s 12-step based and will get you grounded in those ideas about codependency and boundaries that you’ll need as you make hard choices. Boundaries in Marriage would be a good book to read, and you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their stories of boundaries and recovery. Let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
Porn destroys life , it doesnt build it , the industry is a whore , the people who watch porn or go to physical legnths to hire a prostitute are slaves to this SIN. There is nothing good that comes from it. I am a recovering light occasional porn user. My wife is devasted , 10 years on and off behind her back and trying to deal with God and asking Him to fogive and heal me. Telling her was the worst fear I had in our relationship. Now the healing begins. We must all stand before God and give an account of our life one day. Those who are bashing this issue and taking it lightly : Please tell God its all right to look at porn and cheat on your wife. Tell that to His face. Rest assured you will be in for the greatest shock of your eternity. Seriously , the prophecies of the bible are all TRUE , people dont give a hoot about holiness and are lovers of themselves , no fear of God , $$$$$$ money money money god , porn is now some kind of christian sub culture. I refuse all these lies and am willing to put my life on scripture TRUTH. If I walk down the street with a sign that says PORN IS AN EVIL SIN , or , HOMOSEXUALITY is an ABOMINATION to THE LORD , I will get arrested , charged with a hate crime , and even before that happens get publicly abused by the mob. The day will come where we all will have to make a drastic stand , PORN almost destroyed my marriage because she is holy and sensitive to SIN , a True christian . I want Jesus , I want freedom , that means get rid of all SIN with the help of The Holy Spirit. I am broken , and grieved by those who take SIN lightly. May God help us all in this last hour before the great shaking of all things.
Thanks Kay for this article and kudos to you for your sound and level headed responses to some of these awful comments.
I think I am a Serious Addict with a bit of a Recovery Addict mixed in. Reading that it may be 3 to 5 years to feel truly free from porn hit me like a minor revelation even though I probably have heard that before, I’m trying to take that in now. I have been struggling for many years, I don’t even know how to judge how many years. I think I felt free for a time but I have fallen back into it and have been seriously fighting my addiction for at least 3 years now.
I wonder if there are any resources directed specifically towards the type of addict that I am.
Hey David. Well, you do realize that I totally made these categories up, right? It’s just what I keep seeing, and I’m trying to make sense of what happens and why! People may or may not like it or find it helpful, and that’s fine.
My husband was, I think, a serious user. He used for 6 years before getting into recovery, and he confirms that the 5-year mark was pretty true for him. The stuff he has found helpful is Pure Desire. He likes the Pure Desire book a whole lot, and then we found that there’s a men’s group in our area that uses Pure Desire materials, so he visited that and liked it. Pure Desire has all kinds of resources, so dig around and see what looks good. He also recently read Surfing for God and liked that a lot. We have also found the whole 12-step world to be helpful, so you might look for a Celebrate Recovery in your area.
Blessings and let me know what you think.
Just a quick quote from a secular author that you may find interesting:
“I don’t think I would ever write a book with what anybody could call pornography in it, because I feel that pornography is a cheat. It is an attempt to provide sexual experience by secondhand means. Now sex is a thing which has to be experienced firsthand, if you are really going to understand it, and pornography is rather like trying to find out about a Beethoven symphony by having somebody tell you about it and perhaps hum a few bars. It’s not the same thing. Sex is primarily a question of relationships. Pornography is a do-it-yourself kit—a twenty-second best.” — Robertson Davies
@ Ok, S.L.P., and Feminist Issue:
Yes, as men we find the female form to be fascinating, arousing, and deeply appealing, and we crave sexual intimacy. We would be liars if we didn’t state that up front. I don’t know why God made men to be so utterly captivated (and why He gave us testosterone levels roughly 15 times that of women)–I sure would like to know what His reason(s) were. Frankly, it’s more frustrating and a burden than a gift or blessing. I’ve heard other men say it, and could write a small book about that.
But the bottom line is that while we can’t control the fact that we notice and are captivated by female beauty (and even envy them), we do have a choice in where it takes us from there. That takes ongoing intentional work, and respecting women for who they are–including accepting the truth that they are much more than their body–as beautiful and desirable as it is.
Porn simply doesn’t equate either to love, respect, or true beauty. It sells off the soul so it can profit from the body.
Thank you, Greg.
The porn issue is a feminist issue. Problem is that women are the ones doing the most pushing of sex in society. Doubt this? Go look for yourself. Chart the rise of feminism and chart the destruction of the family unit and our society. With feminists came the empowered woman. Yeah, empowered to take off their clothes and make money doing it. I am woman. Hear me roar. Watch me take off my clothes and claim I am a victim. So Kay, why don’t you address the fact that if women didnt do porn there woudn’t be any porn for men to look at? Tons of jobs out their Kay. Tons of them. Women dont have to do porn. But they do. Tempting is just as big of a sin as lust. Maybe even more so because you are using a person’s weakness against them. It is like the police doing drug stings. The police know the people are addicts. They know it is an addiction. Yet, they set people up. Destroy lives. Doing that is a much worse sin than being an addict. In fact, it is exactly what the devil would do. Tempt a person and go after a person’s weakness. That is true evil. Make no mistake about it. The really sad part is if can take the time to setup the downfall of another person. You can take the time to lift a person up. I have a feeling when people die and face God, things we think are so moral might now be so moral. Many sinners are going to go into heaven before the righteous.
My hope is that readers will be able to understand that I’m asking men and women to each take responsibility for themselves. Men, take responsibility for your choices. Women, take responsibility for yours.
To me, that’s the core of feminism: we are all adults, equally responsible for ourselves, regardless of the sex organs we happen to possess.
“Other people, out there” will always be doing things we don’t like (making porn, voting Republican, eating at McDonald’s) but what WE do, within our own lives, is OUR OWN responsibility.
My purpose in writing this article is to encourage women to understand what may be happening within their marriages, and to help them consider how they can take responsibility for what they do and do not want to have in their lives.
Here’s what I’m trying to encourage women toward:
I am an adult. It is my responsibility to behave fully as an adult. God gave me a free will, and I am going to exercise it in the service of a healthy, happy life for myself and my family.
This being America, THAT is a choice I get to make. And when women write in, asking me how they can make healthy, happy lives for themselves and their families, by golly, I’m going to give them every bit of the help I can.
Personally, I think we make life out to be more than it is. People have delusions of grandeur. But for most people, all life really is about is going to work at a job you really aren’t interested in and then you go home at home you eat, sleep, and have sex if you are lucky. That is all it really is. We make out our lives to be some higher calling. But is it really that? Nah. Not really. Then we kid ourselves and say it isnt about sex when half the things we do is all about getting mate to have sex with. You know why prostitution is the world’s oldest profession? Because it really is what humans do. We are hardwired for it. The whole porn issue is not a big deal. You wont change things. Sorry. I notice you talk about celebrate recovery. I have found that therapists and many church programs have people running them who have more problems than the people going to them. I once went to a celebrate recovery program. It is a bunch of people reciting the same BS over and over again. Heck the program give you a complex even if you have dont have one. No one talks about the real issues and real questions and real causes. Take the porn issue for example. Many people watch porn because they are alone. Men and women. I know men and women who pray their entire lives for love, yet it never comes to them. Now, obviously those people need love or they would not have prayed for it during their entire lives. So if God knows all that we need, why doesn’t he help? Why? After all, love is not a bad thing, so why doesn’t he help? If he can part seas, I am sure he can figure out a way to help a person with love. Then the average Christian always uses the convenient answer card. Well — God works in mysterious ways or God truly knows what you need or some other BS answer. At the end of the day, the porn issue is small. The real issue is people all over the place are losing faith in God. Because he isn’t helping much and frankly, Christ should have never left in the first place. Then there is the fact of why is life so hard anyway? Why the hell am I paying for the sins of adam and eve? Why does he even let the devil influence people? Why is the communication only one way? Let’s face facts. America is a nation of addicts. From drugs to alcohol to food to sex to porn to even religion —- we are a nation of addicts. Why do people become addicted? To escape the pain of life. That is why. It is funny. Nothing ever changes in America. Christians are always on witch hunts. The only difference is the types of witches change over time. The bottom line with porn is that if you dont want to look at it then dont look at it. Dont be surprised if others are looking at it. As I said, for 99% of the people …. all life really is about is working, eating, sleeping, and sex. If you are lucky, you have a family. But even then, life is nothing more than working, eating, sleeping, and sex.
I really agree with you that we use all kinds of things to escape pain. And I definitely think that porn use can be an escape from loneliness and pain.
You’ve asked several deep theological questions that books and books and books have been written about. But of course the cognitive answers to those questions aren’t really the answer to the pain.
The more I read your comment, the more it sounds like you’re feeling pretty hopeless right now. Do you have some people around to talk to? Because I think meaningful relationships are a really big help with pain. We get hurt in relationships, we get healed in relationships. Maybe CR was a bad fit for you, but a personal counselor might help you process through some of that hurt. I’d love to see that happen!
blessings Kay
Kay you are deluding yourself in many ways. These “user types” are bogus.
The reality is that the women who do porn are very good looking. Much better looking than the average woman. In fact, women in porn are on average 47 pounds lighter than the average woman. If a man is looking at porn, he is doing it for a reason. More than likely he is either in a sexless relationship, his partner has become unattractive or the sex is boring as heck. Then there is the nagging wife catalyst or bible thumper catalyst. A nagging wife can drive a man to porn. A wife who is a bible thumper can do it easily too. The reality is human beings love sex. When a person does not get enough of it or it is not what he or she wants, then that person is going to look elsewhere. I assure you of this. They will look elsewhere. People will also always look at attractive people. There is a lot of proven science behind this. I can assure you when I was with an attractive woman who was having a lot of sex with me, porn was the last thing on my mind.
Boredom, nagging, a lack of sex, a lack of affection — drives people to porn. Being alone drives people to porn. You never once mentioned that possibly the spouse should ask herself — am I doing anything to drive my husband to porn? Go talk to an escort. Ask her why married man after married man will come see her. She will tell you why. It is the same reasons over and over again.
Furthermore, few people feel shame from looking at porn. Frankly, everyone is pretty much looking at it. Even the people who say they aren’t, are looking at it. Website traffic reveals this quite well. This Puritan ideal that you have in your head simply is not realistic. It never has been realistic. It never will be realistic. In fact, that Puritan ideal has led to this mess. Whatever you repress will flourish — I assure you of this. What is funny is that the countries with healthier attitudes towards sex, look at porn the least. In fact, if you truly look at the numbers, conservatives look at the most porn. Other than California, the bible belt is watching the most porn. Why is this? Because of repression. That is why.
Keep blaming the male if you want but here is another reality. There are tens of billions of porn pictures out there. There are webcam girls, hookers, escorts, strippers, homemade videos, professional videos, homemade porn, professional porn, etc. That is a helluva lot of women doing some form of porn. A helluva a lot. So until you hold your gender accountable for their actions this situation will never get better. But we never hold women accountable for anything now do we?
But go ahead and keep blaming the male and ignoring the female role in all of this. See where it gets you. You will be 92 and writing the same article then as you are now. That is where it will get you. At the end of the day, you are fighting a losing battle. Not talking about the realities of the issue and only holding one gender accountable will not solve the problem. Becoming more Puritanical will not solve the problem because that is what got us into this mess. The genie is out of the bottle and he is not going back in.
You want to know your best chance for a relationship to survive? People should do these things: Stay in shape, make sure you are compatible sexually, live below your means, don’t go crazy with religion, and do not be negative. I am very serious when I say that. Not doing these things destroys relationships. I have seen it countless times.
Something like 60% of divorces these days involve a partner with an obsessive use of porn. Perhaps in your experience, porn is a great thing, but many, many people would disagree with you, and those are the people who write in to this blog every single day, asking for help in how to deal with something they hate and don’t want in their relationships anymore.
Those people all have the right to choose how their individual relationships function. If they want to be vegetarian, they can. If they want to vote Democrat, they can. If they want to shop at Wal-Mart, they are welcome to do so.
And if they don’t want porn in their relationships, then by all that we hold dear in America, THAT IS THEIR CHOICE.
Hopefully, readers will understand that I’m asking women to take responsibility for themselves, to decide what boundaries are appropriate for themselves, and to act accordingly. We can’t be responsible for the choices of others–not other women, not our husbands–only for ourselves.
And if we don’t want to be in a relationship that includes porn, we don’t have to. We have other choices to pursue.
That is not laying blame. That is being an adult and taking responsibility for our own lives.
This is directed towards the post Kay replied to, the poster by the name “Ok”
I could not disagree with you more. People aren’t DRIVEN to porn, people look at porn because they WANT to look at porn. Lust is intentional. Every time.
For you say Kay is blaming men for this, you seem to in turn absolve men of the blame and place it on women. I’m not sure how it’s not okay for her to blame men (which she isn’t), but it’s ok for you to blame women for not being “in shape” or not “giving” their husbands enough sex.
Also, you are making women responsible for themselves (their looks and their willingness to have loads of wild sex with their husbands) and making them responsible for their husbands (so they won’t be “driven” to porn), all the while leaving the men responsible for nothing. Life doesn’t work that way.
OK, I imagine you are really hurting and have received a boat load of shame and guilt for sexual sin. I agree that Kay misses something, but I don’t think the miss is blaming women or anybody for being overweight. I think the miss is the deep pain and struggles that drive a person to false intimacy. I believe porn use is often symptomatic of a wounded heart that desires to be accepted, loved, respected and encouraged. Those are holy desires and they will only be met in a deep relationship with Christ. And a relationship with Christ is the one thing that crushes the power of shame and guilt and allows you and me to own how messed up we are and yet still know we are His beloved.
OK, Adam said, “it’s that woman you gave me.” It wasn’t the woman’s fault that the man sinned, though she certainly had her own sin. She claimed to be a victim (and some are today). The problem with both is they thought they could find satisfaction, joy, knowledge and more, apart from God. Their disbelief caused them to step out on God and step into a pile of spit.
The cure isn’t Covenant Eyes … though it is helpful in setting boundaries and checking behaviors. The cure is the love and forgiveness Jesus Christ affords us by grace alone. The cure is he forgives repentant sinners, he loves broken, messed up men and women, he cares for the hearts and hurts and hopes of his children and he works for our good, even when our circumstances suck.
When I get this deep deep love and acceptance, I don’t look to a fantasy for fleeting satisfaction.
Right on, Rob. Thanks. Yes, the real deal is the deep relationship! The good behavior is a fine beginning, but if it never goes deeper, you never get those deep needs met and you’re always searching.
Okay, I am just sick to death of the excuses for men. Is there anywhere on any of these blogs that has had a response about a Man going to the Wife and discussing a problem? No! I just see a lot of complaining men (maybe some women?) about how they are supposed to be so in tune with a porn using husband. What is wrong with a man growing a spine and speaking up if there is a problem. This just offends me more than words can say. Women are bogged down by everyday living just as much as the rationalizing porn abuser. Maybe, just maybe they are unaware of a problem. No, I am just sure this is an all out excuse and I am not buying into it. Quit whining! admit that you may have a mental malfunction.
Nice defection, how is living in denial working for you?
Lots of chatter about men and boys…the price of their toys.
I was married for 40 years. I was usually the initiator for sex and I was happy to satisfy my best friend…thru 4 pregnancies…2 surgeries
Etc. Then he had foot surgery and became addicted to Oxy. Over several months he adamantly refused my advances claiming something hurt, he was tired, the Oxy just kicked in…until that awful day I found his history included hard core marathons with porn…orgies and torture of young girls…so in one day I fell from a Christian chic trying to keep her hubby happy to a self harmer attempting suicide. Porn kills us. Kills the user with tortuous imaginations and the partner who never has another moment of peace. Jabber all you want but until porn is eradicated from earth, there will be porn induced suicides.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you are suffering. I hope you’ll find help for yourself immediately. Find a therapist who can help you process this pain and work on healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on healthy boundaries. We are not slaves to anybody’s sin, and especially not our husband’s. If he isn’t able to be healthy, YOU can still choose to be healthy and whole. Peace, Kay
I know this is 4 years old, but I had to respond to it. I started watching porn at a very young age after discovering what it was at a friends house. His parents were never home (and never paid attention to the direct tv bill I’m assuming). Over the next several years, I went from watching it 1-2 times a month when I was at his house, to getting my hands on videos to bring home and hide from my parents and watching in my room late at night, to a full fledge addict with a smart phone at 18. I watched it every day. I met my wife when I was 24. She is stunningly beautiful, ( I was in the military when we met, I always say man in a uniform helped me, because she is way out my league ha). Her sex drive was high when we started having sex, and is just as high now 9 years later. By what your saying, I had no reason to ever go back to porn. But I did. And I hid it, and lied by telling her I didn’t, and still went back to it. I nearly lost my wife and 2 children (both girls) over my inability to stop watching porn. I made the same excuses that most addicts do. It’s not a big deal, I could stop if I wanted to, but since it’s not a big deal, I’ll just hid it from her, it’s just something that men do, and a hundred others. When my wife walked in on me masturbating watching porn, she left to go to her mothers. It wasn’t until this happened that I finally shook of the it’s not a big deal mentality and actually started reading into how to change. I was basically living 2 lives. 1 in secret, and 1 that everyone else saw. What pleasure I was getting in life, was coming from my secret life. The life everyone saw was a shell of a person with no emotions just waiting to get back to the secret life. I’m sure most people on this site have seen the chart depicting how the brain works when addicted to porn. How by watching porn (and most of the time masturbating), over and over, the release of dopamine in the brain row-routes your brain. What used to give you pleasure and fulfillment doesn’t any longer. I’ve said all that to say this, it was in no way my wife’s fault. I started that addiction long before I met her. But when she did find out, she was devastated. She wanted to know why I wasn’t satisfied with her, she became more self conscious of her looks. And she’s always the most beautiful woman in the room, no matter where we go! Luckily for me, she decided to give me another chance. So to whoever may be battling a porn addiction, here’s some advice. It is a big deal, don’t let your mind, or “the guys” tell you it’s not. If your battling a porn addiction and in a relationship, tell that person you have something you want to tell them, something you need their help with. If your in a relationship and your other finds out (either by telling them, or by them finding out on their own), forget about YOUR privacy as far as devices, internet, etc. If your lucky enough that they stayed, you don’t need privacy! Do download covenant eyes, even if YOU think you don’t need it. Having covenant eyes on my phone was the 1 thing that kept me from giving in to weakness when all others had failed on several occasions. If you significant other has just found out (and especially if it was after you lying about it), their trust in you is gone. Like gone with wind gone! It can be frustrating at times if a change is made, and you have truly stopped to be questioned. Don’t get upset, just remember that you caused this, and their lack of trust. They have a right to question you if they make the decision to stay. Count yourself lucky for that alone! Give your other easy access to your devices, without them having to ask for it. “Forget” and leave it at home when you go to work, or leave it and go take a walk. Therapy and SAA may be useful/needed for both of you. I did attend some therapy and SAA but not over a long period. I did a lot of reading both with my wife and alone. Amazon bookstore has tons of books to read. And if your partner doesn’t know everything, tell them. One of the worst things you can do is tell them some of, but not all of what has happened, only for them to find out later. It makes it extremely difficult for them to trust you again (Coming from experience on my part). But coming from someone that started watching porn at a young age. I never truly learned the pleasures of life until I stopped. My wife and family makes me happy. Being more intimate with my wife makes me happy. Sex is intimate now, where before it seldom was. I was not emotionally connected to her because of what I was doing. I had setbacks from the first time I stopped (one was a serious one). Most people do have some sort of setback. Learn from it and keep moving forward. But don’t find excuses for it, and don’t make your actions someone else’s fault, especially your partner! It gets easier as time passes to not think about it! And it’s definitely worth it to not have the secrets, the double life. Just wanted to share!
“Change happens when our partners choose to cooperate with God toward healthy living, not when we somehow force, threaten, or manipulate things just right.”
Kay, what you said above is key. I’m not trying to discount anything you’ve shared or spiritualize my own experience of God’s Hand of grace in rescuing me from ~15 years of pornography, but it seems to me that there are really only two kinds of addicts: repentant, and non-repentant.
When God opens our eyes to the truth of our sin, and we begin praying, “Lord make me sick of this sin” that is when genuine renewal begins to occur. It can (and probably will) still take time (months, maybe years) for the healing to happen, but with a truly repentant heart and God’s power in the midst, it will.
Thanks, Greg. I agree that repentance is absolutely key. And then a whole bunch of good choices via the healthy exercise of the free will afterward!
You can write all you want and make seem men’s sexuality as an aberration, but until you take into account that women consistently withhold and negate sex with their husbands, also unbiblical and an aberration, porn will have a legitimate place. As men we took a bow of monogamy not celibacy. I would dare the author to comment on the sexual satisfaction her husband enjoys or at least write and article on how to deal with the sexless or withholding wife
“Legitimate place”? I wholeheartedly disagree.
If one is a Christian—as Greg’s comment suggests—then porn never has a legitimate place. Does it have a place in the life of a single man? No. Using porn would be an act of lust, something clearly labeled as sin. To say that a man who is denied sex by his wife can legitimately use porn overlooks the fact that all lust, whether it is committed by married men or single men, is wrong.
You are correct that a wife who denies her husband sex is sinning against him, but to respond to sin by sinning is never a “legitimate” answer.
Luke,
Sex is a biological need. The definition of a living thing is inherent in its need to procreate, defecate and eat. So you can equate going number one to a man’s sex drive. Yes porn is a sin, but a satisfied individual does not need porn and if women took up responsability for that generic dissatisfaction ( within healthy norms) men would not need that the release of porn. However if that release is not there then porn serves the release as many men would rathermasturbate to porn than cheat or go to a prostitute. Sexuality if not optional it is compulsory and that compulsion is expressed in the bible, however women have ” gotten away” with rescinding on their duty as a spouse and you can see this on all sexuality research and effectively blaming men for needing to have sex by labeling us as deviants and sinners. I am not defending porn, but denouncing sexists articles as these. This woman should invite her readers to examine themselves and see if they are leading a healthy sexual life, not just writing out of their @&$ fictitious categories on porn users. Most porn user are healthy well adjusted men that lov their wifes, but are not being reciprocated by their spouses and their spouses are getting away with it by classifying their husbands as sinners. Thatis a cop out. I again challenge the writer to invite an introspective look at the problem rather than casting the first stone.
Again, as me we take a vow of monogamy not celibacy and most women fail to look at themselves and admit the damage they cause by denying themselves to their husbands.
If the overall thrust of your point is, “Men who look at porn and women who spitefully withhold sex from their husbands are both guilty of their own kind of sexual sin,” then I agree with you. I think there is a far better way to say that, however.
I would question whether sex is a biological need, at least in a certain sense. Certainly, sex is a biological need for a species that requires sex for procreation. Without sex, the species dies out. In this sense, human beings as a collective need sex to accomplish their God-given function of subduing the earth and being God’s image-bearers on the earth.
But this does not mean sex is a need for each and every individual the same way it is a need for humanity collectively. I, personally, do not “need” to procreate the same way the human race needs procreation corporately. And, it should also go without saying, even if I am one who procreates, I do not “need” to procreate at all times, in all circumstances, and without regard for other goals.
This all may sound obvious, but I think the language of “need” is ambiguous and unhelpful in these discussions for this very reason. When we speak of needs, it is easy to equate this notion with other physical needs like air, water, food, etc. If sex is a need, it is merely a relative need for a specific end, but when it is equated with these physical needs, this elevates the importance of sex to a ridiculously high plane. For example, I need air; if I am suddenly thrust into a hole without much breathable air, my very survival depends on me getting out. The same cannot be said of sex. Men and women can go their whole lives and never have sex.
To say one needs to release sperm doesn’t necessitate a specific mechanism for that release. Nocturnal emissions are a perfectly natural way for the body to do this. In addition, it is one thing to say one needs to masturbate as an act of physical release (I deal with that in another article), but this does not equate a need to look at porn or a need to lust to accomplish it.
You are correct that there is a serious problem going on when there is sexual neglect in a marriage. I do wish the church would take this problem as seriously as Paul did (1 Cor. 7:3-5). But at the same time, those who feel neglected should can’t equate their sexless life as something necessitating sin.
Furthermore, I have yet to hear you say why an article like this is “sexist.” If you are referring to Kay sticking to a specific topic, then I suppose one could mistakenly read it that way. When I read articles like this and the author neglects to cover another related aspect of a large problem, I normally don’t make much of the omission. After all, nobody can say everything, and when people occasionally try to say everything they end up saying nothing. She is just addressing a specific issue on a blog. She’s not writing a magnum opus.
If you want articles about women needing to keep their marriage bed alive while their husband works through his porn issues, I would recommend finding articles on that topic specifically. Here are some on our blog:
1. Don’t Ignore Your Marriage After Sexual Addiction is Discovered
2. Husband Struggle with Porn? 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Sex Life
3. Why Marital Sex is Better Than Porn
Porn is cheating. It’s that simple. There are no excuses for it. Not the so-called sex withholding wife, not the ever popular “it’s not cheating if nothing physical happened”. None of that justifies any married person, male of female participating in any sort of porn. It’s cheating on one’s spouse no matter how you slice it.